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My boyfriend just asked me for a "break"

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I''ve only broken off one other serious relationship, and it was my doing. I actually dumped the previous guy for the now recent ex. I just never saw this coming and I didn''t expect it.

I don''t understand how he can just walk away. I will not be his friend. I can''t do it. I miss him SO much right now that I can barely see straight. I can''t stop thinking of all of our memories, and how sweet and wonderful he was up until about 3 weeks ago.

I had no inkling things were headed south. A month ago was our anniversary, and he got me all sorts of things and made a big deal out of it. He told me such wonderful things, how was I to know that things were so bad between us that he would just walk away? Apparently he thought things had been bad for 3 months. 3 MONTHS. And he never said anything until he pretty much had already checked out of the relationship.

I am hurt, betrayed, sad, lonely, and missing my best friend. I thought I would be with him forever and I just can''t stop crying. I feel pathetic.
 
Don''t feel pathetic!!! You are entitled to your feelings, and the ones you are having are incredibly valid. You need to go through them, so let yourself.


As far as being shocked, I think it is an unfortunate truth about men that sometimes they feel like this and are too scared to step up and say anything when it starts. Maybe it is men our age (I think we are close in age), but I know a lot of similar situations. My ex did this, and it is heartbreaking. But sometimes reality is tough, and I know I wish he had been more honest earlier on, but he wasn''t. I think it is meant well, they don''t want to hurt us, but it just ends up uglier.

Get some girls together and go out and do something fun. The only thing that kept me going was not letting myself sulk too much. Some is healthy (for me) but I needed to get out and be social and move on. Everyone deals differently, and I hope you find what works for you! HUGS!!!!!
 
OU - I''m so sorry sweetie! Think of this as a growing experience and make it positive for you! Keep talking we''re here for you (((HUGS)))
 
((((Hugs)))))

I just read through this entire thread and I just wanted to tell you that I''m so sorry, and I know how incredibly painful breakups/breaks can be.

You''ve already been given such a great advice, but I just wanted to reiterate that a clean cut is the best way to go. No communication. Be strong on that, and you''ll thank yourself later.

You''re strong, but you''re human. Take time to grieve. It''s the death of something very important to you, and the grieving is similar! Feel your feelings, and you''ll be stronger on the other side.

Stay positve (as much as you can), and take care of yourself!
 
Date: 10/20/2008 9:52:22 AM
Author: OUpeargirl

I am hurt, betrayed, sad, lonely, and missing my best friend. I thought I would be with him forever and I just can''t stop crying. I feel pathetic.
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You are not pathetic. You are doing wonderfully. Keep your head up and just get through one hour at a time. Think of a happy place to imagine at night if you are trying to get to sleep and can''t think of anything but him. My happy place is the road my grandparents lived on before they passed away. When my mind is going crazy, I try to remember everything about the drive up that road. Smells, sights, buildings. Find yourself a place and concentrate on it. You will be fine, you can absolutely get through this. We are all thinking of you and wishing you the very best and easiest time possible. You can do it.
 
I am so sorry to hear this, ou. You have been so strong during this process that I know you will come out of it as a better woman, even if it doesn''t feel like it now.
 
You mentioned this is the first time someone has ever broken up with you. Well -- that's the big one. That's the one where you feel blindsided & can't comprehend something so awful ever happening. I'm sorry you're hurting now! Your future self says: "I'm so glad I went through this because I learned so much that helps me from getting hurt in the future & helps me be more empathetic to people who *I* may breakup with in the future". Really sucks now though.
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Here's what we've learned about him though -- that makes him a *bad* significant other right now PERIOD (not just for you)

1) He's unable or unwilling to communicate his feelings
2) He can't work through problems *together* with someone, he stews & retreats
3) He lies when the truth is uncomfortable (it's a break! i'll be back!)
4) He used that poor kitten to make up for the love he wasn't able to give you himself. (JMHO)
5) He's able to PRETEND things are a-ok, even during an anniversary celebration
6) He didn't come over when you had a big scare. PROOF he's not even FRIEND material & doesn't have YOUR best interests at heart.
7) He's too immature for a "serious" relationship ... even if he claims otherwise.
8) You're not on the same page.

Stay strong! Call your friends. Cry it out. Ask for support when you need it. Realize the kitten isn't a romantic gift but a poor victim too! Comfort each other! And get ANGRY!!!!!!
 
OU, I am so sorry this happened and that you are hurting. I can feel your heartache. You are NOT pathetic. You are going through something extremely painful and difficult. It is ok to feel sad, it is ok to feel like your world has been pulled out from under you, it is ok to feel whatever you feel at any given moment. There''s no right way to feel or right way to react.
You CAN survive this and you WILL survive this! As hard as it will be and as long as it may take, you will pull through! I know this b/c I went through something similar. It took me a long time to get back to myself, it took a lot of grieving but you are most important here and do whatever you need to in order to realize that this is NOT your fault.
All I can say is take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Whatever you need to do to get through is. Go out if you can, have friends come over, let your family and friends give you their support.
Take care of yourself!
 
OU- We really are living the same life, just years separated. What I thought was 3 or 4 months of hard times, I later found out was actually him slowly letting go. At frist I was confused like you, and had no idea what was happening. You realize that someone who supposedly loved you, couldn't even be honest with you about his feelings. This is when the anger started for me. The entire break-up is going to be a series of phases, and you just have to know that you will overcome each one as you let yourself. I allowed myself to greive much longer than any sane person should, simply because I listened and believed any hope he threw at me. I hope that you will listen to your heart, and realize when it's time to stop crying, when it's time to stop being angry, and when it's time to let go.

Good for you for staying strong and telling him you're not going to give him the time of day. He doesn't deserve it. I am also so happy to hear that you aren't going to believe him when he told you, "that there could still be a future". Like others said, this is his way of not completely breaking your heart. Now is the hard part. Trying to find yourself again. You think back and see that everything you did involved him, and it hurts, bad. You can't see hwo anything could ever be as much fun again. The thing is, you can't truely get past him, until you know you want to. Once you decide you're done, you'll stop seeing all the "great" times, and actually realize that most of them weren't a great as you remember. When I was healing I even lied to myself in my memories. In a few months you'll laugh about these so called "memories". Honestly.

First thing to suggest... delete his numbers from your phone. You've said you don't want to talk to him, so there's no reason that you should even be able to look him up. This was one of the frist things I did, and from hearing other peoples stories, I'm very glad I did this early. For me there was just something about seeing his name that really hurt me. I think it gets harder to do the longer you wait.

As far as keeping myself busy, I had to do things that invloved getting my mind off of him. (ie, not working out or just going for a drive) They always ended with me crying somewhere. I started reading and writing alot. I think I went thru about 5 books in the first summer that we were broken up. No love stories obviously, but just stupid girly beach reads that give you something whimsical to think about. Different things work for different people... just don't turn to alchohol.

About pearls... if she is doing better, and you really feel like you want to be alone, then maybe you could have a friend watch her for a day or two. However, if you think about it, you'll just being doing to your kitten what your ex did to you. Ran away during a rough time. The thing is, I think within hours of leaving her, you're going to wish she was there. It's nice to have someone to hold and talk to, that isn't going to talk back.

Stay strong sweetie!! You will survive, and your next relationship will be so much stronger because of this one!! **Hugs**
 
OU, I just checked in and found out the news. I am so sorry, I know how much this must hurt. Hang in there, it will be tough for awhile, but you will get through this. {{{big hugs}}}
 
OU, I chimed in early in this thread, and I''m so sad to see what happened. I can hear the heartbreak in your "voice" and I wish for you to be strong and hopefully better things (and/or people) will come along. I''ve been in your place (in fact, one ex told me that he had started seeing other people but, "I''ll let you know if that should fall through". Seriously??), and it''s terrible. Surround yourself with friends and family and your kickass new job at a bridal salon. I wish you the best.
 
"Things" weren''t bad for three months, "HE" was bad for three months.

He just has cold feet. Failure to commit. It happens to lots of people. At least he finally came out with the truth.
You know those times you said he felt distant, and the more withdrawn he became - the more insecure and nagging you became? That was him pulling away without the honest dialoge that should have gone with it.

I''m really sorry for the pain, but this just isn''t the guy you need to be with. You deserve a whole hearted commitment, not some guy that''s unsure of himself. I love it when they say they just aren''t sure about "you" or "us". It''s themselves they aren''t sure of. There''s nothing wrong with you.
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A few months or a year from now he''ll wake up and realize he screwed up (note, that doesn''t mean he will have grown up). Hopefully you will have a life of your own and will have moved on to bigger and better vistas
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As you know, the pain will pass...hang tough and give kitty some big hugs. Who cares where she came from, she''s all yours now. Remember she''s not a reminder of your past, she''s a testament to your future.
 
Mini-threadjack:

Purr, that was wonderfully stated. I''m going to save a copy of that, if you don''t mind, because it''s what I always try to say and never quite manage when one of my friends has their heart broken.

OU, I hope you''re snuggled up with your kitty right now. The world can wait a day. Take some time for yourself.
 
Date: 10/20/2008 3:47:25 PM
Author: purrfectpear
''Things'' weren''t bad for three months, ''HE'' was bad for three months.

He just has cold feet. Failure to commit. It happens to lots of people. At least he finally came out with the truth.
You know those times you said he felt distant, and the more withdrawn he became - the more insecure and nagging you became? That was him pulling away without the honest dialoge that should have gone with it.

I''m really sorry for the pain, but this just isn''t the guy you need to be with. You deserve a whole hearted commitment, not some guy that''s unsure of himself. I love it when they say they just aren''t sure about ''you'' or ''us''. It''s themselves they aren''t sure of. There''s nothing wrong with you.
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A few months or a year from now he''ll wake up and realize he screwed up (note, that doesn''t mean he will have grown up). Hopefully you will have a life of your own and will have moved on to bigger and better vistas
21.gif


As you know, the pain will pass...hang tough and give kitty some big hugs. Who cares where she came from, she''s all yours now. Remember she''s not a reminder of your past, she''s a testament to your future.
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Nail on head. He isn''t ready for a relationship, full stop.
 
Just want to give you a big e-hug and say "chin up!" It''s ok to feel sad. Go ahead and cry it out, it''s good for you. Hopefully you will start feeling better about it soon. Stay with us! Their is always someone here to talk to!
 
Man oh man.. today has been a doozy. I woke up early, crying, at a friends house.. so I drove home. I immediately changed into workout clothes and took the longest walk ever. Then I came home, showered, and wallowed. After wallowing awhile a friend came over with a card and chocolate. The card said "License to b**** and moan" hehe. I appreciated the giggle.

After she left I got angry. I am so, so mad at him. I''m mad at him for chasing me. I''m mad at him for making me fall in love with him. I''m mad at him for convincing me for so long that I was so special to him and that he would never leave. I''m mad for the lies and the cowardliness. But I''m mostly mad that I''ll never get to be with him again. And that makes me even madder that I think like that.

Soooo I listened to some heavy metal (very unlike me) and broke another vase. Woops. Then I got on the website for "It''s called a break-up because it''s broken." I loved "he''s just not that into you" and I can''t wait to pick this one up.

I can''t wait for the tears to stop. I can''t wait til I stop hoping every phone call or red truck is his. I don''t need him in my life, no matter how bad I want him.
 
Hang in there doll!!
 
Anger is good right now! I''m glad you''ve moved to that stage.

Remember that,
-Men committed in a relationship don''t keep it from you when they have second thoughts about it
-Men committed in a relationship understand that it takes work, especially through the tough times
-Men committed in a relationship are willing to face that tough work together.
-This is not your fault
 
I can''t say enough good things about Its Called a Break up Cuz its Broken................... read it TWICE... once now... once in a few weeks..... It is empowering and makes you excited about the future..... You will be fine... stronger even...... BIG HUGS
 
Diamond Smitten, I just read the website.. I already love his "don''t talk for 60 days rule." I think that is the best thing I can do right now. I know that in that time I will have healed a lot emotionally and will maybe be okay hearing how he is doing.

My mom keeps reminding me to "be a class act." Getting drunk and doing something stupid, calling him, doing anything mean, hooking up with other boys will 1) not bring him back or 2) make me feel any less pain.

Every time either one of my parents call I start crying, because I know what they want to talk about. So, my dad ended up driving 3 hours to take me to dinner tonight. That was really sweet of him, but I also feel sort of guilty that my parents were that worried.

I''m really doing ok. I don''t know if it is your words of wisdom, or thinking things through to myself, but after a long walk today all I could think was "screw him, he never deserved me anyway." I almost feel bad for not wanting a reconciliation.

Truth be told I miss him more than I have ever missed anyone. I love him in a way I''ve never loved another person before. But I guess that it is not enough. I am going to cut my losses and try to move forward.

I know I''ll have sad days. I know I''ll have mad days. I imagine I will go through all seven steps of grief quite a few times. But, thank you so much for the support, kind thoughts, and advice. You are all wonderful people and I truly thank you for helping me through this.
 
I am so sorry that you are going through this, breakups suck bad
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You will heal with time, just be patient and stay strong.
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OU, I promise you this, if you give yourself time and distance from him this will pass. Listen to heavy metal music, workout, hang out with new acquaintances, spend time with friends, mourn, be sad, do what you need to do (a few drinkis with friends is never a bad thing, just don't drunk dial). And as time passes he will mean less and your future, and your present, will mean more and more. He won't feel so entwined in your life and you'll create a new set of patterns and habits that you love, without him. I'm not an internet hug sorta gal, but hugs to you, because I know where you are (metaphorically speaking, of course).
 
OUPeargirl, your parents sound like wonderful people. I'm so glad that you have them to lean on right now. And your mom is absolutely right -- you don't want to stoop to a level that's beneath your dignity, because you'd regret it one day. It sounds like, despite the pain you're in, you are keeping your head straight and I have so much respect for you to be dealing with things so well.

Don't feel bad for not wanting a reconciliation. It's better this way, because you don't want to come running the moment he crawls back to you. It does no good in the long run, just makes you seem like a doormat -- and you're so much more than that.

As far as your love for him, it will fade but you'll probably never forget it completely. I still remember my "first love" and always will. But, in time, you will meet someone else who you'll love even more, but in a different way. I think the mistake a lot of people make is looking for someone they love "the same" as they loved an ex, but it's never going to be just the same -- and honestly, that's a good thing because what you'll eventually find will be so much better!

Finally, please don't blame Pearls. The poor kitty has also been badly hurt in the past few days, and hopefully the two of you will heal together. Stay strong, and know that you have lots of people thinking of you here.
 
I think it is always best to comport yourself in a way you can feel good about.

That is not to say you will not be sad or blue or miss the good things. And maybe, it will work out down the road, when he is able to appreciate what he had. But otherwise, you just concentrate on YOU and heal and be good to yourself. It WILL get better.
 
Your parents sound like genuinely wonderful people...what a great Dad you have.

Your Mom is totally right, being a class act is so important. I think more than one of us ladies on this site have been the girl who called crying, and upset. I think the best thing you can do is to be the girl that doesn''t make a fool of herself and walk away with your head held high. That way, if you ever do bump into him again, you can look him in the eye and know that you maintained yourself and your pride even though your heart was broken.

I''m so proud of you for reading the website, and looking into the book...it''ll help.
 
I have incredible parents and I feel so blessed to have them in my life. My phone has been ringing off of the hook since this happened with family members expressing condolences and telling me how much better off I am.

Even though it is wonderful I still don''t sleep at night. I miss every little thing about him so much. Ugh. I hate that there is nothing I can do to be with him again and there is nothing I can do to make the pain go away. I just have to wait and in time I will feel better. Such is life, but right now I do not like it hahah.
 
Date: 10/20/2008 10:07:32 PM
Author: OUpeargirl
Diamond Smitten, I just read the website.. I already love his 'don't talk for 60 days rule.' I think that is the best thing I can do right now. I know that in that time I will have healed a lot emotionally and will maybe be okay hearing how he is doing.

My mom keeps reminding me to 'be a class act.' Getting drunk and doing something stupid, calling him, doing anything mean, hooking up with other boys will 1) not bring him back or 2) make me feel any less pain.

Every time either one of my parents call I start crying, because I know what they want to talk about. So, my dad ended up driving 3 hours to take me to dinner tonight. That was really sweet of him, but I also feel sort of guilty that my parents were that worried.

I'm really doing ok. I don't know if it is your words of wisdom, or thinking things through to myself, but after a long walk today all I could think was 'screw him, he never deserved me anyway.' I almost feel bad for not wanting a reconciliation.

Truth be told I miss him more than I have ever missed anyone. I love him in a way I've never loved another person before. But I guess that it is not enough. I am going to cut my losses and try to move forward.

I know I'll have sad days. I know I'll have mad days. I imagine I will go through all seven steps of grief quite a few times. But, thank you so much for the support, kind thoughts, and advice. You are all wonderful people and I truly thank you for helping me through this.
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Aww, how sweet. Don't feel guilty, that's what parents are for, to be there when you need them, it's our job to worry.
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Bless your dad, you are lucky to have him.
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Date: 10/21/2008 10:01:29 AM
Author: OUpeargirl
I have incredible parents and I feel so blessed to have them in my life. My phone has been ringing off of the hook since this happened with family members expressing condolences and telling me how much better off I am.

Even though it is wonderful I still don''t sleep at night. I miss every little thing about him so much. Ugh. I hate that there is nothing I can do to be with him again and there is nothing I can do to make the pain go away. I just have to wait and in time I will feel better. Such is life, but right now I do not like it hahah.
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Of course you don''t like it, hurt hurts!

But, as much as this means nothing right now, it will get better in time.

You''re in the mix, you''re literally in the middle of this s*** storm that was your relationship, and theres no going back and moving forward is slow coming. But the thing is, you''re going to be better off if you can find a way to weather it. He wasn''t a good guy...and thats what you need to keep reminding yourself of. He chose to miss out on you...and that makes him a fool too, sadly.

I''ve been hemming and hawing over weither or not to share my story with you--because I''ve held it so tight for so long now, and it''s really painful to even look back and think about that time in life...but, I guess if it can shed some light on things for you, I should...
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
April of 2005 I met a guy we''ll call K. K, in the beginning was awesome. Not only was he too cute, but he was nice, and good to his family, and made me feel special. Two years before I met K my first engagement had ended, and I had kind of been walking around numb since then -- but K brought out this goodness in me and made me happy. We had a lot of fun together. He got along really well with my friends and family, and in turn, I meshed well within his circle of people.

We took things slow ... by 23 year old standards. But eventually, by mid summer, things had heated up and we took it to the next level. Things felt really natural, at least, thats how I remember them feeling.

K still lived at home with his parents, although he had an okay job. I, on the other hand, was moving up in my company and bought my first down town condo in the trendy suburb of Evanston IL. I extended the offer to K to come stay in my home during the week so that he could be closer to work, and we could see each other. I told him it would be on me, and that all he had to do was just "be there" (I have a problem with over extending myself sometimes). K jumped on this and we proceeded to make plans on how best to accomidate our cohabitating.

About 4 weeks before my moving day, K flipped on me. He suddenly decided that he didn''t want to be with me anymore and that he needed a break to think about everything. I was hopeful, a break is just a break, right? But, I was still hurt. I would cry, and beg and plead to him and his voicemail. And then, I missed my period. I thought I was just upset by his sudden change of heart, and stressed over my move...but then I started getting sick in the morning, and feeling "off"...

I took a pregnancy test and low and behold I was pregnant. I was sick, sick, sick over it. This was soooo not in my plans...I was on the fast track work-wise, just bought a great (but not child friendly) condo, and the father of this baby was a flake (albeit, a flake I still adored). I was totally lost, it was like adding insult to injury...I didn''t know what to do.

My friend convinced me to tell K ASAP. And she was right, it was honorable thing to do. So, after mustering courage, I called him---he, of course was avoiding me like the plauge and didn''t answer. So my friend, mad as heck, called his Mom, and requested K call her back immediately. Within 10 minutes or so, he called. She, broke the news to him because I just *couldn''t*.

He was shocked, probably scared. He and I made plans to meet later that night to "talk". He asked me what my plans were, and I was like "I dont know right now"...he came off very supportive and loving, I was sucked right back in. The following date, K suggested we reconcile and "take care" of our "issue". I jumped aboard that bandwagon, and settled right back into being K''s girlfriend--although, there was this part of me that kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.

We had one good week.

K and I snuck off for a night of "reconnecting" and spent a good ammount of time that evening talking about what we wanted to do for here. I had decided that I''d make this situation work...together, we made enough money to raise a baby--and we''d just continue earning more over time. We had a nice place to live. I could hire a nanny, or something. We''d make it work if we got creative...besides, people in way worse positions have babies and do just fine. And after everything, and all the facts and figures, I finally fell asleep--and got the best night of sleep I''d had in a great while.

I woke up late that morning alone. K was gone. On the dresser was a check for $1,000.00 and a note. He just "couldn''t do it" and that he was "sorry"...he hoped I''d be level headed enough to "have an abortion or put the baby up for adoption" but that he wasn''t going to be an "active father figure" and would "sign over his right willingly if I decided to have and keep the baby". I don''t think I was ever as devasted as I was that morning. I died that morning, or at least a piece of me died that will never recover.

3 days later, at work, I started having horid cramping and bleeding, and rushed to the ER...I had had a miscarriage, and had to have an emergency DNC. At the time, I though it was the stress--but I would later find out when I miscarried with my DH that it was something I have a predisposition too.

I never heard for K again...to this day....never again.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

One year to day that I met K, I met my DH Mark. It''s funny because there was a time that I thought I''d never heal, that my ability to love was gone. And now, sitting here today, I can''t even remember loving K--or why I loved him--and it feels like, if I use the word love when describing my relationship with K, that I betray the real thing.

I know my story is different than yours...but there is a common thread. Sometimes bad men do bad things just because they can. I don''t know when K checked out of our relationship...was it the night we were at the hotel? Was it before our first break? I died for those answers for a long time, because I thought if I knew, I could heal myself.

When I moved into my condo, and I was alone, it was horrible. I mourned him intensely. I thought if I waited long enough, he''d come back--we''d fix us--we''d heal. But he never came back, and eventually I stopped hoping he would. I eventually found a way to express that hurt, I wrote him a letter...and it was lllooonnnngggg. I put every feeling, thought, or inkling I had about him onto paper. Some parts were weepy and sad, other parts were mad as heck, and other parts expressed a level of forgiveness...but it cleansed me of bearing the burdern of my feelings alone. Maybe, in time, you''ll be write a letter too...

Meeting my husband broke me wide open. What I share with Mark puts everything else into prespective, and I''m now at peace with my past (all of it...). And I believe in time you too will find this. Maybe it will come to you in your job, or your family, or your friends, or prehaps (like it came to me) in that one great love. But just because a relationship dies doesn''t mean you die with it...you get stronger if you let yourself.

If you didn''t go thru this type of hurt, you''d never fully appreciate the good when it finds you. It does get better every day....until one day, you look back and thank your lucky stars that he''s long long long gone, and you''re happier than you''ve ever been before.
 
Thank you for sharing your story. I know that must have been very painful to go back into.

The hardest part for me is that I have been in terrible relationships. I have dated jerks. I just don''t think he is one. I think he is being selfish, yes, but I don''t think he is a bad guy.

I feel so empty. All I want is to crawl in bed and have him stroke my back. I can''t believe that it will never happen again.
 
You''ll meet someone else. Thats the way it works. I promise you, you''re a sweet girl and you won''t be alone for ever.

Yes, you didn''t think he was jerk...but it turns out he was. The way he treated you wasn''t kind, and it doesn''t make him a good person. He lead you on, by saying "I''m not leaving" and then leaving... It''s important to remember that a person can pretend to be anything they want to be--he can be nice and sweet and sensitive for months and months and months...but in time, who he really is will show up.

And it''s only normal to miss the little things you shared as a couple, like back rubs...but, it''s also important to know that a person can do good things and still be bad. How many back rubs would make up for the hurt he''s caused? A million, maybe more? You two weren''t good for each other--he made you clingly and needy and you made him indifferent. There is someone out there that will balance you and make you better, not worse.

Life is to short to spend it in a bad relationship.
 
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