My boyfriend just asked me for a "break"

[2Artists]

I am so glad Pearls is feeling better!

Mrs.2Artists

 

[jcarlylew82]

OUpeargirl,
Can i just say, i so wish you were my friend when i was going through a pretty bad break up. I did ALL the things that you have managed not to do - you have been strong, mature and, just, amazing!

Yes, there will be times later that you might fall back down, but really think that whatever gets thrown your way, be it a new relationship, old ones, you will have the strength and maturity to do what is best for you!

 

[OUpearlgirl]

First dating story.. and it''s over before I actually went on the date!

A cute boy from Oklahoma State invited me to his fraternity''s date party this weekend. I was excited and looking forward to going to a formal.

Well, today I found out this boy likes to use a certain drug and I am NOT even going near that.

... Next!

 

[dragonfly411]

OU good for you, don''t put up with any nonsense boys at all!!!

 

[bee*]

Good on you for not even meeting up with him! There are so many more men out there who will be perfect for you.

 

[Kelli]

Date: 11/10/2008 6:09:07 PM
Author: bee*
Good on you for not even meeting up with him! There are so many more men out there who will be perfect for you.

DITTO!

 

[Sunshine In Your Eyes]

Girl, I just want you to know that you have helped me so much. I am going through almost the same exact situation right now with my ex (I can''t even call him that naturally yet.. I still want to say my boyfriend.. sigh). I have my friends'' support for sure, and I would be even more of a wreck without them, but I started searching online to see what other people had to say about this type of situation. I read through all 8 pages of these posts, mainly your posts. Hearing about your strength, and even your weak moments, gives me lots of hope, strength and comfort knowing I''m not alone in the types of feelings I''m having. My EX is super stressed about a lot of things, and like your friends, most people think he will come back to me.. but I am refusing to hope for that. I am hoping for happiness for us both, together or not. This is all within the last 2 days, and I have been super miserable, crying all the time, took a day to even get out of my house. Sigh.. But I am already starting to feel better..

Thank you for sharing and know that you have helped me. Congratulations on how well you have handled all this! I can only hope for the same in myself... Strength in the sisterhood!!

 

[Mannequin]

I just caught up on your thread here, OUP. I have to give you major props for keeping your head and staying strong. What you are experiencing is not easy, and it will continue to be difficult for a long time. It seems he is giving you some mixed signals, so the more you can do to work through your grief and feelings without him, the better.

If you read my posts from Winter 06-07 up to present on here, you''ll see I went through a broken engagement and how I moved through everything to now, where I have an amazing relationship with a forever kind of guy. One key support group in this time in my life was made up of the posters on this forum. I have nothing but praise and love for the numerous PS posters who helped me get from then to now. These people are the real gems on this site.

Thanks for helping me, PS family, and thanks for helping OU.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

Sunshine.. I''m sorry to hear about your breakup. A month later and I still have trouble calling him my ex too!!

The first few days are THE WORST. I never want to feel that way again. I can promise you that it does get better. I am still sad, I still think about him all day every day, but I have had some fun too. At the beginning I thought that unbelievable pain would never go away, but it does! Hang in there, you will get through this!

I haven''t talked to him since Monday, when he got jealous over some stuff on facebook. He keeps telling me that I am not the same girl, if I were the same girl we''d still be together. First of all, in a year, people change a lot. That is to be expected. Second, I am not this trashy person he seems to think I am. I have a very good friend who is overweight, smokes a lot, and makes a lot of self deprecating jokes. She is not very much like me, but she has been such a good friend to me. He told me he thinks all I do is lay in bed and smoke like her... Welp, I''m not a smoker. I''m also taking 16 hours and I work, so I don''t have time to "lay in bed and smoke." I hadn''t completely cut off communication until Monday. He has stopped contacting me as well. I think we just realize that right now we are both going through too many emotions to talk. He is just so ANGRY and I don''t understand because I didn''t break up with him. He broke up with me. I hate not knowing what he is doing. I hate this so much.

I''m sorry, I think I''m just having a bad day.. a weak moment. I still miss him every single day.

Once again, thank you so much you wonderful PS ladies.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

Sunshine!! One more thing.. Here is a quote that I read anytime I am getting super upset.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they''re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

-- Marilyn Monroe

 

[gwendolyn]

OUpeargirl, I just wanted to say that I''ve been following your story and am so proud of you for your strength and optimism! It is so difficult, yet you are persevering and finding good amongst the sadness. You will heal and end up happier than you can imagine, I suspect. Best wishes, my dear!

 

[appletini]

OUP,

Please remove him as a facebook friend. Do not respond to emails, etc. He has definitely shown his true colors with his posessive pyscho behavior, he definitely did you a huge favor by letting you go. Stay strong!

 

[BlueSki231]

Date: 11/15/2008 11:37:39 AM
Author: OUpeargirl
Sunshine.. I''m sorry to hear about your breakup. A month later and I still have trouble calling him my ex too!!


The first few days are THE WORST. I never want to feel that way again. I can promise you that it does get better. I am still sad, I still think about him all day every day, but I have had some fun too. At the beginning I thought that unbelievable pain would never go away, but it does! Hang in there, you will get through this!


I haven''t talked to him since Monday, when he got jealous over some stuff on facebook. He keeps telling me that I am not the same girl, if I were the same girl we''d still be together. First of all, in a year, people change a lot. That is to be expected. Second, I am not this trashy person he seems to think I am. I have a very good friend who is overweight, smokes a lot, and makes a lot of self deprecating jokes. She is not very much like me, but she has been such a good friend to me. He told me he thinks all I do is lay in bed and smoke like her... Welp, I''m not a smoker. I''m also taking 16 hours and I work, so I don''t have time to ''lay in bed and smoke.'' I hadn''t completely cut off communication until Monday. He has stopped contacting me as well. I think we just realize that right now we are both going through too many emotions to talk. He is just so ANGRY and I don''t understand because I didn''t break up with him. He broke up with me. I hate not knowing what he is doing. I hate this so much.


I''m sorry, I think I''m just having a bad day.. a weak moment. I still miss him every single day.


Once again, thank you so much you wonderful PS ladies.

I just read all 8 pages last night and caught up with your story! I really admire how you''ve dealt with this difficult situation. i know what a roller-coaster it can be. and it''s SOOOO HARD!! Hang in there!

Well, I wouldn''t necessarily call him a posessive psycho appletini.. it really doesn''t sound like he is. It sounds like he''s trying to deal with his hurt.
Like you said, OUpeargirl, he''s angry. And he''s lashing out at you cause he doesn''t know how to deal with it. So he''s creating these scenarios of you "laying in bed smoking all day" cause it somehow makes him feel better about breaking up with someone who he pictures as being lazy and laying in bed smoking all day. He knows really knows better. He''s just trying to deal cause he''s probably been moping around, while he sees that you''ve been out having a good time with your friends.

It probably is just better to cut off all contact for a while... Hang in there! I hope the good days outnumber the bad!

 

[Kelli]

Keep staying strong OU and Sunshine! I''ve been there too and it DOES go away! So does thinking about him all day everyday. You''ll always remember these guys, but it won''t hurt like it does now. One thing I read that helped me was some quote from one of those annoying forwards you get in your email. I don''t even remember how it went word for word, but the email was called something like "things every woman should have." Two of the things were: a first love to always remember fondly, and a new love to show her how for she''s come. Something like that. And those are two things I definitely have and I''m glad I have them. I wouldn''t trade in all the heartbreak I went through if it meant giving up the good memories. I wouldn''t change it anyway, because it made me a stronger person. But I have everything I wanted now with someone else, and you guys will find the right people too. The more you focus on yourselves and what awesome girls you are, the more others will notice how awesome you are too!

 

[a.Lei]

Hey I just wanted to say that I have totally been there and remember how hurtful it was. That empty feeling does go away, it just takes some time. It''s been like 3 years now and I''ve cut off all communication with my ex and honestly am way happier now. You meet new people, do new things, and live goes on. Even though it was about the most sad I have ever been, I don''t regret it because I feel like I have learned a lot from that relationship. You will feel better, not miss him, and move on. It will just take some time. In the mean time, go have fun, do things you normally wouldn''t like take a class, bungee jump, workout, whatever it may be. Good luck!

 

[Sunshine In Your Eyes]

Thanks for your encouraging words, and the quote.

This past weekend was our first weekend completely apart that I can remember. It was really tough at first, I pretty much cried all Friday night. Saturday I went on a trip with some of my guy friends, and since there is no crying in that world, it was really freeing and fun. But now I'm back. Doing things to keep busy, but still thnking about him all the time, everything reminding me of him, and I miss him so much. We haven't talked AT ALL since he broke up with me. (Well, he texted to see if I got home OK after he broke up with me, said he felt awful and was crying, but that was it) It is KILLING me not talking to him at all. Like you said OU, not knowing what he's doing and stuff. I wish I knew how he was, what he was thinking, if he's ever going to call me again. I want to talk so I can understand all of this, the reason for so much pain and why he's gone. I miss his company and being able to tell him things, you know, like little things that come up? Sigh. I'm having a weak moment right now, I just woke up and he was on my mind of course.

Did you un-friend him on facebook? I haven't been able to do that yet... I don't want to. Esp since we're not in contact at all.. not ready to totally let go.

I'm sorry he was making those absurd/uncalled for acusations.. but I think you are right in your understanding of why he was doing that. and I am so happy you are staying strong and not contacting him. It's probably the toughest thing.. but we can do it!

Do you feel like you're ready to go out with other guys and stuff? I know you said a little bit ago you had a party-date set up with a guy you met but changed your mind because of a drug habit he had...

Well I hope you are having a nice day. Glad to be able to write/read the posts on here and feel less alone in this awful process. Take care, talk soon!

 

[Sunshine In Your Eyes]

PS: not sure if you''re doing anything like this right now.. but one thing that has helped me in not giving in to call/text/email/etc him, is I bought a little journal that I carry with me. Every time I feel like saying something to him, or I just have a lot of overwhelming feelings I want to write, I put it in there. I carry it with me EVERYWHERE. I thought maybe it would help you too.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

Great idea for the journal.. Yes, we are still facebook friends. I defriended him one night and he was calling me immature and all sorts of things, so I just added him back to avoid drama. We haven''t talked in a week now.

One thing that has helped me is to ask my friends not to mention him. Whenever I hear stories about him it just causes more anxiety and sadness.. Even just that he was at such and such party or he is in this state.

I am ready to go on DATES, but I am not ready to date anyone else. Unfortunately, most college guys don''t ask girls on dates. I also just feel like it''s going to be very hard to meet new guys at this point. I''m a senior and we''re all kind of set in our friendships. I need to just branch out more and meet guys from different fraternities and stuff, but that is so hard. I feel like a freshman again sometimes.

I know what you mean about wanting to tell him all of the little things. My dad was fixing something in the attic and put a hole in my sister''s ceiling! I so wanted to tell him about that, he''d find it hilarious. I miss him every second of every day. I think the song that describes it the most is Shania Twain "It Only Hurts When I''m Breathing."

I was doing so much better a couple of weeks ago than I am now. I think it''s because I don''t have any hope left and the whole denial stage is over. I''m really depressed and anxious all of the time. I know it will go away eventually, but right now it is here and it is overwhelming.

 

[swimmer]

OUPear,
Hang in there lady! At your school, can you sign up to do an Alternative Spring Break trip or something? Helping other people out and hanging with a new crowd will really get your mind off of things. Good luck sweetie! All of us old ladies saying that you will get over it and move on to someone far better isn''t much help to you when you are in the thick of it. But like so many others, I look back on my college bf and think, thank goodness and laugh, even though it was devastating at the time. Hmmm, come to think of it, I did find a cute TA from a different dept to serve as a distraction

... But just getting out and doing something different with new people is a great way to "branch out" as you said. Hoping you find some new outlets.
Hugs!

 

[Sunshine In Your Eyes]

How are you holding up so far this week? I am doing OK. I''ve been trying to keep my schedule as full as I can handle. I caved and called him on Sunday, and he didn''t call back :-/. I am holding out to be able to understand, but I guess I am trying to come to terms with the fact that he may NEVER want to talk to me about it and/or I may never be able to understand.

Also, I re-read this book (took me a day and a half) called "it''s called a break up because it''s broken". It''s by the same author(s?) as "He''s just not that into you". It''s kind of corny and cliche I guess, but it gave me some different insight, some different ideas. If you are interested, I definitely suggesting picking it up. Quick read and it''s worth it, I think.

I hope you have been able to keep busy and you''re having a good week so far. Keep your chin up!!

 

[OUpearlgirl]

I''m doing okay this week! I have read that book, it has been very helpful. At first I didn''t think any of it fit my situation, until I got to a chapter about wondering what he was thinking. Honestly, reading it made me cry a bit, but it was definitely helpful.

A boy has asked me to an Oklahoma City Thunder game and I am going! He doesn''t know which game he will get tickets to yet, but his dad has season tickets, so next time he is willing to give some up I get to go! I think it will be fun to hang out with someone different.

I might see the ex at a birthday party for a mutual friend tomorrow. I refuse to miss out on celebrating a friend''s birthday with her because of him. I just plan on looking reaaaaaaallly good

and being polite, but not friendly.

How are you doing, Sunshine?

 

[decodelighted]

I haven't kept up on the whole dealie but I just caught one of your last posts about how he manipulated you into re-friending him on Facebook????? Wha??? If you cave just because someone calls you "immature" .... You may think its saving you drama but I assure you its not. He just wants to be able to keep track of you -- see if you have pictures of new guys on your page -- and then swoop in to control you some more. IMHO at least. Cut the ties. Cleanly. Who cares if he thinks you're "immature" -- cutting him out of your life is IMO the most mature/reasonable/self-preserving thing you can do. Too bad it s*cks for him. Wahhh wahhh wahhh. Tiny baby crying.


ETA: He's already proven he can't handle access to your Facebook info by using it to hurt you!!!! Why would you give someone ammunition to hurt you? WHYYYYYYYY????? Put YOU first, girlie!

 

[appletini]

OU have fun at the party, but also appoint some of your girlfriends to rescue you if he approaches you. He made his choice now he has to live with the consequences.

 

[Kelli]

Date: 11/19/2008 3:18:01 PM
Author: OUpeargirl
I''m doing okay this week! I have read that book, it has been very helpful. At first I didn''t think any of it fit my situation, until I got to a chapter about wondering what he was thinking. Honestly, reading it made me cry a bit, but it was definitely helpful.

A boy has asked me to an Oklahoma City Thunder game and I am going! He doesn''t know which game he will get tickets to yet, but his dad has season tickets, so next time he is willing to give some up I get to go! I think it will be fun to hang out with someone different.

I might see the ex at a birthday party for a mutual friend tomorrow. I refuse to miss out on celebrating a friend''s birthday with her because of him. I just plan on looking reaaaaaaallly good

and being polite, but not friendly.

How are you doing, Sunshine?

That is one part of being a girl that really is super fun, as long as you don''t let it engulf your whole night. The need to look great for an ex is a wonderful motivator isn''t it?

 

[OUpearlgirl]

Haha yes! It is fun.. I have really gotten into shape and I''m now wearing clothes that even a month ago I would have refused to wear because I thought I was too fat! I would want to look good regardless, but it''s extra motivation knowing I could be seeing him.

Maybe I should defriend him? I don''t know. I do feel as if it is kind of catty, and when I did it the first time I was mad at him and a wee bit intoxicated. If he says anything else about my facebook I will delete him for sure.

Well, I gotta go for a walk on this beautiful day! Thank you once again my fabulous PSers!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 11/19/2008 3:25:40 PM
Author: decodelighted
I haven''t kept up on the whole dealie but I just caught one of your last posts about how he manipulated you into re-friending him on Facebook????? Wha??? If you cave just because someone calls you ''immature'' .... You may think its saving you drama but I assure you its not. He just wants to be able to keep track of you -- see if you have pictures of new guys on your page -- and then swoop in to control you some more. IMHO at least. Cut the ties. Cleanly. Who cares if he thinks you''re ''immature'' -- cutting him out of your life is IMO the most mature/reasonable/self-preserving thing you can do. Too bad it s*cks for him. Wahhh wahhh wahhh. Tiny baby crying.


ETA: He''s already proven he can''t handle access to your Facebook info by using it to hurt you!!!! Why would you give someone ammunition to hurt you? WHYYYYYYYY????? Put YOU first, girlie!

Ditto, I am not liking the manipulative stuff he seems to be doing to stay in your life... one say he cries about how he worries he will miss you and then a week later he is insulting you and saying, "If YOU hadn''t changed we''d be together??!!??" He isn''t a goodfriend, cut him off.

 

[Tuckins1]

OU, sounds like you are doing much better! Glad to hear it!

 

[Sunshine In Your Eyes]

It''s good to hear you are doing better! I am OK. Went to dinner tonight with my friend and his gf. It was supposed to be a double date, so it was kind of sad to keep looking at the empty seat knowing he was supposed to be there.. but it was good to see my friend. After dinner I went to meet my ex to get some things that he still had of mine. He gave me the bag of stuff and turned right around and walked away. It was so sad watching him walk away. I ended up going after him. I told him that I want to continue to respect his need for time/space, but I hope that some time he will be able to sit down with me and explain because I still don''t understand what happened. I told him that I still cared about him a lot. He said "thank you" and walked away.

I''m glad I got to say what I''d been dying to say to him this whole past week (well, some of what I''ve been dying to say) but it stung that he had nothing to say back to me... Sigh... I cried the whole way home, but I can''t look back. If I don''t keep looking forward I''ll never get anywhere.

I am pretty excited for you about the guy who invited you to a game! I hope it''s no pressure and just lots of fun!! My friend and I had plans to go out tomorrow night and she ended up wanting to invite a guy she met recently, and then asked him to bring a friend too. I am not sure how I feel about it, but I made a point to tell her to be sure there was no expectation of me. I think it will be good to hang out with someone different as well. We''ll see...

Strength in the sisterhood!! Keep hanging in there.. Keep us updated on how you are! Thanks for your support

 

[meresal]

Date: 11/19/2008 4:04:06 PM
Author: OUpeargirl
Haha yes! It is fun.. I have really gotten into shape and I''m now wearing clothes that even a month ago I would have refused to wear because I thought I was too fat! I would want to look good regardless, but it''s extra motivation knowing I could be seeing him.

Maybe I should defriend him? I don''t know. I do feel as if it is kind of catty, and when I did it the first time I was mad at him and a wee bit intoxicated. If he says anything else about my facebook I will delete him for sure.

Well, I gotta go for a walk on this beautiful day! Thank you once again my fabulous PSers!

ITA with deco, Please de-friend him.

Also, this is just a suggestion from someone that''s been there and made this mistake, but if you are going to "willingly" see him at this party, I would think that not drinking would be a great idea. It will just make you more emotional if he does anything to irritate you. And just by the off chance, say you both get intoxicated and start talking... do you really want to do something that could get your hopes up again, and then be right back where you were almost 2 months ago. Just my opinion.

Have a good time, and congrats about the game! That will be so much fun!

 

[Sunshine In Your Eyes]

I completelyyyy agree with not drinking too much with him around at that party! I''m sure you''ve thought of that already.. but I have made that mistake in the past so many times in fact, this time around, I''m trying to steer clear of getting drunk all together so I don''t make any unnecessary drunk dials/texts/whatever. Be careful!