My boyfriend just asked me for a "break"

[dragonfly411]

OU - You seem to have a great head on your shoulders, and understand that your mourning doesn''t mean you need him in your life. That is a great great thing! Your dad is such an angel for going to dinner with you! Don''t feel guilty, they are there to support you! At your best and your worst! Things will get better, you will move forward and you WILL find someone who VALUES you and will SUPPORT you. Who will CHERISH you and who will make you SMILE! Keep your chin up!

 

[meresal]

Date: 10/21/2008 11:35:21 AM
Author: OUpeargirl
Thank you for sharing your story. I know that must have been very painful to go back into.

The hardest part for me is that I have been in terrible relationships. I have dated jerks. I just don''t think he is one. I think he is being selfish, yes, but I don''t think he is a bad guy.

I feel so empty. All I want is to crawl in bed and have him stroke my back. I can''t believe that it will never happen again.

This may be true, but you are probably still thinking about all those "great" times you had. Try thinking about just this last month or so. When he would make you feel bad about wanting to spend time with him. When it was your fault that he couldn''t spend time with his friends. I''m going out on a limb, but I''m guessing that you had been crying a bit before this whole break thing came up, no?

Get angry, and be angry. He doesn''t deserve your tears. Do you really want to be with someone that could cause you this much pain?

As far as your sleeping problem, I would suggest going to the school infermary. I wouldn''t be surprised if there was something that they could give you just to help you fall asleep at night. You are at a very large school, and there is a very good chance that they have seen this problem before, many times.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 10/21/2008 11:56:43 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
You''ll meet someone else. Thats the way it works. I promise you, you''re a sweet girl and you won''t be alone for ever.

Yes, you didn''t think he was jerk...but it turns out he was. The way he treated you wasn''t kind, and it doesn''t make him a good person. He lead you on, by saying ''I''m not leaving'' and then leaving... It''s important to remember that a person can pretend to be anything they want to be--he can be nice and sweet and sensitive for months and months and months...but in time, who he really is will show up.

And it''s only normal to miss the little things you shared as a couple, like back rubs...but, it''s also important to know that a person can do good things and still be bad. How many back rubs would make up for the hurt he''s caused? A million, maybe more? You two weren''t good for each other--he made you clingly and needy and you made him indifferent. There is someone out there that will balance you and make you better, not worse.

Life is to short to spend it in a bad relationship.

I wholeheartedly second ALL of this.

I know it''s hard to see the bad in someone you care about, but objectively, he did many things that call his character into question. For example, who pretends everything is a-ok for three months instead of talking to you about whatever is bothering him so that you two can work through it?

He''s not the one. It sucks, but it happens. Nearly all of us go through it (I know I did, more than once).

If you think it might help, make a big list of ALL of his negative qualities. All of the bad things he did to you, like the ones mentioned on here, all of his bad traits, everything about him that you disliked and that annoyed you. Putting it out on paper like that can really be an eye-opener. I''ve done that in the past with exes and then noticed that there were some very significant things about the relationship that bothered me more than I had realized.

 

[GoodSoul]

OUpeargirl,

I am so sorry to hear about the pain you are going through. The folks here have really given you great advice.

Your sign off - "You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough." by Mae West is really a great statement.

I've have gone through a few breakups myself and one of it is a very painful 8 year relationship. We have gone through ALOT together and have built a life together. Needless to say, it was painful during the breakup since it was 8 years of good and bad memories and I tried to figure out where went wrong and there was a lot of anger and resentment. Then one day, I realized... regardless how much I cried, how much pain I felt, how much I loved him, how much I hated him, what a great guy he was, what a jerk he was...the KEY thing was... the relationship was over. There was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I could do to reclaim my years or be with him in the same way... But I COULD do something for my years to come. Mae West is right, we live once and lets do it right!

It's great to be in touch with your emotions and feel the pain so that you understand yourself better and know that you are done with it. However, don't dwell on it for too long. I know it's easier said than done but you have to stay strong.

From what I read, you work in a bridal place and you seemed to enjoy it. It's great that you work at a happy environment and knowing that majority of the bride-to-be that come through the door have gone through probably one bad break-up and had survived and met someone whom they can spend the rest of their lives with.

P/S: I was not in contact with my EX for a good one year minimum and our friends were very nice and DID NOT mention him or update me about him. They kept totally neutral which really helped. I really think that taking him off the radar for a long period is a very good suggestion.

Stay strong!

 

[Hera]

My ex boyfriend is a great guy. He''s kind and generous and has a great sense of humor. The reason he and I couldn''t be together is that he couldn''t give me what I needed. I wanted to see him more and I wanted a commitment from him that he couldn''t give.

OUpearlgirl, I think you''re right, your boyfriend may not be a "bad guy." He probably has a lot of great qualities, but try not to just remember the good stuff. He can have a million great qualities but if he can''t fulfill your relationship needs, he''s not the right person for you.

 

[Shoopy]

I just caught up with the thread and want to say like everyone else that I''m terribly sorry about what happened.

I went through a very hurtful break up myself before meeting my fiance. The guy, my first love, just dropped me. One Thursday I called him to tell him how I did on a test, everything was great. He mentioned he was going to stop by later that afternoon and he did. We had a great evening. The next day, nothing. Saturday, nothing. Sunday, nothing. I never heard from him again. No explanation as to why he would just drop me from his life completely. He just never called and didn''t answer my calls. I would stay in my room in pjs crying all day and all night. I was sad, then angry, then "fine", then sad all over again.

Then one day I woke up and felt like a new person (it took about 4 to 5 months to be honest). I stopped feeling sad and angry. I stopped hating him. I was just able to live my life (and 3 months later met my FI).

I will tell you that you are going to feel sad and angry for a long time. But one day you''ll wake up and this whole thing will be something of the past. It''ll be "remember that guy I used to date with the red truck..." But for now, allow yourself to feel hurt. The crying and the pain just makes that morning you wake up feeling like a superstar that much better.

 

[Tuckins1]

Hi OU! Just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. Hope you are a little better than you were yesterday. Stay positive! We are all thinking of you!

 

[luvmyhalo]

Date: 10/21/2008 3:02:23 PM
Author: heraanderson
My ex boyfriend is a great guy. He''s kind and generous and has a great sense of humor. The reason he and I couldn''t be together is that he couldn''t give me what I needed. I wanted to see him more and I wanted a commitment from him that he couldn''t give.

OUpearlgirl, I think you''re right, your boyfriend may not be a ''bad guy.'' He probably has a lot of great qualities, but try not to just remember the good stuff. He can have a million great qualities but if he can''t fulfill your relationship needs, he''s not the right person for you.

I totally agree with this. He may not be a bad guy, you guys just weren''t a perfect match for one another. Break ups are not easy for either person.

If you think about all the things you liked about him and THEN think of who WILL be perfect for you, isn''t that an exciting thought?

I know this is hard to think of now but your perfect match is out there and he''s better than you could ever imagine!!!

 

[OUpearlgirl]

I wish I could stop wanting him back.

I''m hanging in there, doing better than the first day. But I just didn''t know I could hurt like this.

 

[girlie-girl]

OU I am so sorry to read of the pain and confusion this man has caused you.

I agree with what everyone has been saying about time healing etc. I also think this guy may be ''a great guy'' he just doesn''t seem to be ''a great guy'' for you. I know you''re on a rollercoaster of emotions with regard to him right now, but I hope for you the day when you feel indifferent toward him. The day when you''ll be able to keep the good memories for what they are and be completely unaffected by the rest.

Also, I think if you keep running with the same circle of friends that you should politely ask them not to talk about him to you even if you ask them. I also think in the event he asks them about you, they should not to talk to him about you or how you''re ''handling'' things. He wanted it to be over, let it be over.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

Every day I feel a tiny bit better. The nights are still sleepless and just so painful. I miss him so incredibly much. Yesterday he text messaged me and told me that he was feeling really sad. I didn''t respond even though I wanted to.

This is just weird.

Very few people even know we broke up. Some of his very best friends had no idea when I ran into them. Just... weird.

His mom wrote me a beautiful e-mail wishing me the best in life and school. It made me cry, I really love his whole family. I am going to miss dinners with them and all of their help. They live about 30 minutes away and my parents live 3 hours. It was so nice to have such loving people there for me.

 

[akw94]

Date: 10/21/2008 7:30:01 PM
Author: OUpeargirl
I wish I could stop wanting him back.

I''m hanging in there, doing better than the first day. But I just didn''t know I could hurt like this.

You will stop wishing it, it will just take time. Everything you are feeling is normal. I am so sorry! Keep taking the support from your family and friends. Take it one day at a time.
You WILL get through this!

 

[princesss]

Okay, honey, please listen to me for a second.

Block his number. Don''t read the messages. Delete them. Don''t pick up the phone. Re-enter his number to "Don''t Answer" if you can''t block it.

You need to cut communication. Not just responding to it, but reading it! He shouldn''t be doing this to you. It''s selfish. He hurt you. He doesn''t get to tell you he''s feeling bad and try to have you feel better. That''s something a girlfriend does, and he decided he didn''t want that.

He may not be a bad guy, but he''s certainly showing he cares more about himself than anybody else. If he really wanted the best for you, he''d stop re-opening the wound by communicating and let you heal.

Sorry. Apparently I feel very strongly about this.

*hugs*

How is Pearls doing? And what are you going to do this weekend to get out and about and not sit around and mope? Can you afford an "I am special and I value myself" outfit? Or what about a funny movie?

 

[OUpearlgirl]

Pearls is doing great! I took her to the vet today and she is healing nicely. Thank God for that!

I don''t have a way to block his number and unfortunately I have had it memorized for months now haha.

Well.. Tomorrow night I''m going out in Oklahoma City with a girlfriend to a place I''ve never been. I don''t want to run into him right now, so I need to get out of Norman. On Friday my mom is coming up for our sororities initiation. After that we may meet up with some of her old friends from college for a beer or two, then we''re going back to add a couple of highlights to the front of my hair and watch First Wives Club and The Breakup! Haha I''m actually really excited. I don''t have plans for Saturday except that I will be working during the day.

Last night was great, my roommate could tell I was down in the dumps so we started playing board games. Then our other roommate and her boyfriend joined in. I think we played for 4 hours or something totally ridiculous and unproductive. It was so nice to just be.. distracted.

Thank you all for giving me a place to vent. I always feel better after checking and writing on this thread.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 10/22/2008 5:24:18 PM
Author: OUpeargirl
Thank you all for giving me a place to vent. I always feel better after checking and writing on this thread.

I second that!

 

[somehowcollide]

Hey OU, I just wanted to pop in, I''ve been following along your thread since the beginning. I just wanted to say you''re a very strong young woman. You''re displaying a lot of will power and maturity by not texting him back and understanding that it''s over instead of keeping false hope alive.

Keep us updated, and keep your chin up

 

[princesss]

I''m glad your sweet kitty is doing better.

Board games are really the best. What did you play? (And if you ever want a really distracting game, go for Cranium. You need at least 4 people to play, but it is SOOOO much fun!)

It sounds like you''re set for a great weekend. And you know if you can''t get anybody on the phone and you need somebody to talk to, there''s always somebody logged onto PS!

 

[bee*]

I''m glad to hear that you''re doing a little bit better and that you have a great weekend planned! It sounds like it will be fun-let your hair down!!

 

[dragonfly411]

OU - I strongly agree with not reading anything from him, and when he calls, just don''t answer. I''m glad to hear you are feeling a bit better and your weekend sounds like it will be a blast! You''ll have to tell us how it all goes! What game did you play? I love board games!!!

 

[OUpearlgirl]

We played Mad Gab, Would You Rather and Catchphrase! It was so much fun. I wish we had Cranium, that is one of my favorites.

Honestly, I am fine reading his text messages. They are starting to amuse me now. Today he text messaged me and asked if he could wear Sperry''s with jeans. I didn''t reply... I am not giving you fashion advice, idiot!

I guess from talking to someone else, he honestly thinks this is just more of a "break." He isn''t planning on seeing or talking to other girls. He just thinks that everything got too difficult for us and we need time apart to realize if it''s what we want. Welllllp I''m not waiting around on that. If he comes back to me, it would take a looooot for me to even consider.

Yes, I still love him. And yes I do think there is a tiny chance it could be worked out between us. But, I refuse to lose myself to him and hang around hoping someone can change their mind.

 

[princesss]

Date: 10/23/2008 1:15:41 PM
Author: OUpeargirl
We played Mad Gab, Would You Rather and Catchphrase! It was so much fun. I wish we had Cranium, that is one of my favorites.

Honestly, I am fine reading his text messages. They are starting to amuse me now. Today he text messaged me and asked if he could wear Sperry''s with jeans. I didn''t reply... I am not giving you fashion advice, idiot!

I guess from talking to someone else, he honestly thinks this is just more of a ''break.'' He isn''t planning on seeing or talking to other girls. He just thinks that everything got too difficult for us and we need time apart to realize if it''s what we want. Welllllp I''m not waiting around on that. If he comes back to me, it would take a looooot for me to even consider.

Yes, I still love him. And yes I do think there is a tiny chance it could be worked out between us. But, I refuse to lose myself to him and hang around hoping someone can change their mind.

 

[Bia]

Man...I just read this entire thread. Damn...

Let me just say: OUpeargirl, I am so sorry to read that you're going through a break-up.

I can only imagine how difficult this is for you, BUT from reading your posts, you sound like you're very strong--you'll be more than fine.

My two cents:
Do try to stay away. Its hard, but you have to. The more you let him in (even if you think its harmless), the more control you give him. Sure he wants to text you because he probably misses certain things...and maybe he doesn't want to be the token "bad guy." However, the bottom line is, if he wanted to be with you, he would be.

Do change his name on your phone (as princess suggested) to "Don't Answer & Don't Read," so that you'll ignore his attempts. The best thing you can do for yourself is to allow time (and space!) to heal your wounds. You'll get over him. You'll be better than fine. And you'll meet someone who exceeds your expectations because you'll have learned, from experience, that you deserve all you want in life. Relationships are about compromise but they are not about compromising the things that make a true commitment, a commitment. You deserve someone who gives you all of the love, time, attention, affection (and much more) that you so deserve.

Stay strong sweetheart. We're here for you...((((HUGS))))

 

[meresal]

You sound like a completely different person, Congratulations!! And fyi, I love catchphrase.

I hope you have a blast downtown. Are y''all heading to bricktown? I think you''ve made a great decision to get out of Norman for the night!

 

[dragonfly411]

Date: 10/23/2008 1:15:41 PM
Author: OUpeargirl
We played Mad Gab, Would You Rather and Catchphrase! It was so much fun. I wish we had Cranium, that is one of my favorites.


Honestly, I am fine reading his text messages. They are starting to amuse me now. Today he text messaged me and asked if he could wear Sperry''s with jeans. I didn''t reply... I am not giving you fashion advice, idiot!


I guess from talking to someone else, he honestly thinks this is just more of a ''break.'' He isn''t planning on seeing or talking to other girls. He just thinks that everything got too difficult for us and we need time apart to realize if it''s what we want. Welllllp I''m not waiting around on that. If he comes back to me, it would take a looooot for me to even consider.


Yes, I still love him. And yes I do think there is a tiny chance it could be worked out between us. But, I refuse to lose myself to him and hang around hoping someone can change their mind.

SO SO SO SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay!

 

[luvmyhalo]

Date: 10/23/2008 1:15:41 PM
Author: OUpeargirl
We played Mad Gab, Would You Rather and Catchphrase! It was so much fun. I wish we had Cranium, that is one of my favorites.

Honestly, I am fine reading his text messages. They are starting to amuse me now. Today he text messaged me and asked if he could wear Sperry''s with jeans. I didn''t reply... I am not giving you fashion advice, idiot!

I guess from talking to someone else, he honestly thinks this is just more of a ''break.'' He isn''t planning on seeing or talking to other girls. He just thinks that everything got too difficult for us and we need time apart to realize if it''s what we want. Welllllp I''m not waiting around on that. If he comes back to me, it would take a looooot for me to even consider.

Yes, I still love him. And yes I do think there is a tiny chance it could be worked out between us. But, I refuse to lose myself to him and hang around hoping someone can change their mind.

Wooohooooo! I like the way you''re thinking!

I can tell you''ve got a good head on your shoulders and your family & friends sound like wonderful people to have in your life!

 

[Hera]

Date: 10/23/2008 1:15:41 PM
Author: OUpeargirl
We played Mad Gab, Would You Rather and Catchphrase! It was so much fun. I wish we had Cranium, that is one of my favorites.

Honestly, I am fine reading his text messages. They are starting to amuse me now. Today he text messaged me and asked if he could wear Sperry's with jeans. I didn't reply... I am not giving you fashion advice, idiot!

I guess from talking to someone else, he honestly thinks this is just more of a 'break.' He isn't planning on seeing or talking to other girls. He just thinks that everything got too difficult for us and we need time apart to realize if it's what we want. Welllllp I'm not waiting around on that. If he comes back to me, it would take a looooot for me to even consider.

Yes, I still love him. And yes I do think there is a tiny chance it could be worked out between us. But, I refuse to lose myself to him and hang around hoping someone can change their mind.

Actually, what he is saying is not true. " We need time apart to realize if it's what we want?" This breakup is not about both of you realizing about what you both want. You knew what you wanted and he didn't want the same thing!

 

[Rhea]

I hope that you''re doing better. I agree with not reading his texts. I''m guility of breaking up with people and trying to stay as much the same as possible to attempt to make the hurt less. I realise how selfish it is to do that. It was make myself feel better, not the guy. It sounds like your ex might be doing the same thing.

 

[krispi]

As someone who''s been there a few times too many, I just wanted to offer some support and encouragement. He probably feels really guilty, and in order to ease his own guilt is being nice to you now to prove to himself he''s not a terrible person. Or at least that''s the case with my ex-husband who still contacts me from time to time to make small talk, even though the divorce was final 4 years ago. I can also attest that it wasn''t until I cut off all contact with my last ex that I was able to fully get over what happened. We haven''t spoken a single time in over 2 years. Sure, I wonder how he''s doing from time to time, and I don''t wish him any ill will whatsoever, but it''s just healthiest that we don''t speak.

Overall, it sounds like you''re doing really well for yourself and probably don''t need my advice. But I did want to let you know that I feel for what you''re going through!

 

[OUpearlgirl]

I FEEL so much better. My friends all say that I sound so much better on the phone.

The pain isn''t gone and I still miss him like crazy. But, the moping and wallowing phase is over. THANK GOD!!!

Thank you all so much for everything.

 

[vetrik]

OUpeargirl - I've been following your thread from the beginning, and I'm so sorry about the official beakup, but I'm glad that you're starting to feel a little better.

It's so great that you have a support system, including great parents. I had a previous relationship similar to yours, and my parents drove 4 hours round trip to pick me up and bring me home the weekend after my ex broke up with me very unexpectedly (it was the hardest thing I'd gone through - I had also been the one responsible for ending my relationships before that). It was things like that that helped me get through it. I also started to get really, really mad at him a few days after the breakup, and I had to do something to show it. I went hiking alone down some trails we used to hike together all the time, and I threw a ring (not an expensive one - just a sterling silver love knot) he had given me off a bridge into the river. It made me feel much better!

My ex and I had dated for over 3 years. We had a "break" about 1 year into it, on his request - he was going into the army and wanted to make sure that our relationship was what he wanted and that he wanted to try to make it work long distance. Our first break only lasted about a week, but it was a long week for me! We then got back together and stayed together for 2 more years, going long distance when he left for the army. Suddenly, one month, my contact with him dropped off a lot - I went for a couple weeks where I didn't hear from him much. Naively, I thought it was due to him not having a phone and being out in the field for training a lot. He had actually gotten back in touch with an old female friend, and decided that he might actually be in love with her. It took him weeks to actually break up with me. He finally did it at 10:00 am, on a Tuesday, during finals week (I was in college). Needless to say, I kind of tanked my finals that year. That was one of the things I was mad at him about - since he'd already waited weeks, he didn't even have the decency to let me finish up the school year? I remember feeling so nauseus and sick after we broke up - this was the person I'd talked about the future with, who knew me better than anyone, who I trusted - and it was all shattered. What made me the most sad was just the thought that I wouldn't know what happened in his life anymore, and he wouldn't know what was happening in mine. I loved to share our lives together.

It felt very overwhelming at first to think about starting over, starting new and fresh with someone else. I stayed single for a while and just had fun with my friends. I starting dating my now DH 9-10 months later. It was then I discovered that his breaking up with me was the best thing he did for me because it allowed me to find the person I'm meant to be with. My relationship with DH has been better than the one with my ex from Day 1, and just continues to get better all the time (we've been together 8 1/2 years now). I'm sure that will happen with you too - you will find your perfect person!