My boyfriend just asked me for a "break"

[Rhea]

I''m sorry that you''ve broken up. I hope that you have some friends and family around you to help you through this tough time.

 

[meresal]

I'm so sorry. The crying and the hurt will probably get worse before it gets better. But find solace in the fact that you have an answer and your not sitting in limbo. If you ever need to talk or just feel like letting things out you know all of us are here to help.

I did alot of writing during that time, and it gives me strength even to this day to look back and see how much I grew from my past. It's a great way to let your feelings out without having to open up to others all the time.

I wish you the best in this very hard time, and you will become a better person from every strife you overcome. Huge hugs sweetie, and anytime you need to talk, I'll be looking for your posts.

 

[bee*]

I''m very sorry to hear that. Sending hugs.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Honey, I haven''t posted on your thread before because I didn''t want to be a Debbie downer and I felt that you were getting good advice from others. I think you have handled the last week or so really well and a break-up now, although so so painful in the short term (I have been there! Crying on the bathroom floor... it always seems so overwhelming at first), from the little I know of your situation, I really think it is best in the long term.

Before meeting my DH 4 years ago, I had a 2 year relationship that was rather dramatic, with a man who was confused about who he was and what he wanted. He was the type to want "breaks" too, and the type of mope at parties. I broke up with him eventually because his games became too much and soon after, when I was 26, I learned the biggest lesson of my life: Good relationships are not hard. Of course, good relationships take focus, and energy, and understanding, and patience... and they sure make you angry sometimes! But in a truly good and secure relationship you will not feel anxious and confused and clingy. He will not make you cry, and he will not want a "break" from you. I learned these truths when I met me DH and saw what utter peace there can be in a healthy relationship. You are young still, you will continue to grow and learn and each relationship you have will teach you something important until you meet the man who is your best friend and confident, who treats you like gold and who truly loves you unconditionally. You will find that peace. Keep that kernal of truth in your mind as you try to get through the hard weeks or months ahead. And may I recommend eating fudgesicles and watching the entire box-set of Sex and the City? Worked wonders for me the summer of my dreaded break-up

{{{HUGS}}} And stay strong. He will come crawling back at some point, they almost always do. Be the woman you know you can be and be unavailable when that happens.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

I honestly just do not understand. I don''t at all. He said he just didn''t feel 100 percent about us. He didn''t think he wanted such a serious relationship right now... We''ve been serious for months and months now.

he was so cold. He said he still loves me, cares about me, wants me in his life. But just doesn''t know about us anymore. Well I refuse to spend time with him. He is coming over at 4 to bring any belongings and we''re going to talk in person. Then I will not talk to him again..

I think I am in shock right now. I know how rough the coming months will be and I don''t even want to think about how bad I know I will handle it.

My heart is broken.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 10/19/2008 2:55:23 PM
Author: OUpeargirl
I honestly just do not understand. I don''t at all. He said he just didn''t feel 100 percent about us. He didn''t think he wanted such a serious relationship right now... We''ve been serious for months and months now.

he was so cold. He said he still loves me, cares about me, wants me in his life. But just doesn''t know about us anymore. Well I refuse to spend time with him. He is coming over at 4 to bring any belongings and we''re going to talk in person. Then I will not talk to him again..

I think I am in shock right now. I know how rough the coming months will be and I don''t even want to think about how bad I know I will handle it.

My heart is broken.

We were posting at the same time, but I hope you read what I wrote above. Sometimes we never really get the answers we want and just have to live with the knowledge that "it wasn''t right".

It seems unlikely now, but your heart will mend, you will heal, you will go on.

 

[Maisie]

You deserve someone who will give you 100%. He has done the right thing, which is to tell you how he feels. I know you are hurting. And it won''t go away overnight. Try to just stay strong and keep your dignity when he is around.

I''m so sorry you are sad.

 

[matildawong]

hi OUpeargirl,

I know there''s nothing I can write that will make you feel remotely better. But I just wanted to say, you hang in there. It will be hard but you can do it. I hate the kind of pain you are in; it''s throbbing and horrible and sickening and it hurts. I''ll be thinking about you.

 

[March-8-2008]

OUpeargirl, I''m so sorry. I have been in a very similar situation. I remember how shattered I was. But with time and distance and life experience, those jagged edges eventually smoothed out.

IT GETS BETTER. IT WILL HURT LESS. I promise.

I really hope Pearls continues to improve and you''re still coming to the D/FW get-together next Saturday, so I can give you a hug. I''ve been reading through this thread, day by day, and my heart goes out to you.

 

[diamondfan]

OU, I am REALLY sorry but hope in time you will love someone who loves you back fully and without reservations. It WILL happen for you. I just want you to feel good about yourself in the meantime, and pamper yourself. Do not let his doubts, his confusions, his issues, become yours. You are better off if this is how he feels.

 

[Tuckins1]

I can empathize with your confusion and frustration. Every time I broke up with my loser ex- whether it was my idea or his, I felt that way. (Am I making a mistake, but I still love him, what did I do wrong, etc...) Try not to blame yourself or dwell on what you could have done differently... You will be ok, you just need time to heal. Stick close to friends and family right now and just try to enjoy being with yourself. Everything will be all right!!

 

[luvmyhalo]

I''m so sorry you are hurting so badly right now. Breakups SUCK!!!!! It will get better over time but right now, I know you''re sad, hurt and probably really mad! If it wasn''t meant to be, then you''re better off without him. Your prince is out there somewhere!
You have another year of college ahead of you that will be an AMAZING time in your life. Enjoy your friends, your new job, football games, parties, the excitement of graduating and starting your career!

I''m sending you a GIANT hug!!!

 

[Skippy123]

aw, I am so sorry. I am firm believer that things happen for a reason, no matter how awful things are . . . other good things come about. Sending you a hug and do something nice for yourself. Invite girlfriends over to hang out or go out w/your friends. Sending you the best!

 

[absolut_blonde]

Oh no, I'm sorry. Breakups are the worst!

I know it's hard to see right now, but you are going to be so much better off in the long run. You will find someone who's 110% committed to you and the relationship. Not someone who's wishy-washy and withdraws, etc.

And like others have said, a good relationship should NOT be hard. I had my fair share of heartbreak when I was younger- including one particularly turbulent on/off relationship- but once I met SO, it was like everything just fell into place. I bet that someday you'll look back and see that you dodged a bullet in this guy, becausey you will find someone better suited to you down the road.

Still, it takes time to heal. In the meantime, keep yourself busy. The gym works WONDERS for me. I actually got hooked on working out after a nasty breakup that totally blindsided me and I've been a gym rat ever since! You feel so much better both mentally and physically. Other things like yoga can be very therapeutic as well. Hang out with your friends, read (It's Called a Break-Up Because It's Broken was rec'd by someone else and I strongly second that!), spend time with pets, take up new hobbies. And if you need a night or two of crying watching cheesey chick flicks, that's ok too.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

Well, the talk went well. I remained strong with no tears. I told him I didn''t want to be in a relationship with anyone who wasn''t crazy about me. He then said he was crazy about me. That he loves me and there is so much he misses. But, since he doesn''t quite know what he wants or what this all means, the only fair thing to do is to end it. He mentioned several times that there is still hope for a future together, but I refuse to let myself believe that.

He claims he truly wants to be friends and to hang out occasionally. I told him I don''t know if or when I''ll ever be ready for that. We had a long hug, then he left.

I am actually doing better than I thought I would be. All week long I took care of myself and barely let myself hope that we would be together. I already started the healing process... So I guess it will just continue.

The hardest part is all of our friends are the same. And, they are all his friends. The girls I hang out with the most hang out with his guy friends. I know i will have to branch out more, but it will be difficult.

Thanks to all of you, I am feeling a bit better. Just shaky and unsure. I know that someday there will be someone who will love me and never want to leave. I''m holding out on that, knowing there will be someone someday.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

Another hard thing is my poor kitty. He gave her to me. And right now she is just a huge reminder of him. I love her and I would never get rid of her, but I wish she could just go away for awhile. All other reminders of him have been put away.

 

[Kaleigh]

I''m so sorry. I agree, you won''t see this now, but you''ll be better off. You''ll find someone who is there 200% for you. In the mean time take care of you, keep busy with friends and family. If you need to have a good cry, well go right ahead. Hang in there sweetie. Better things are ahead for you. I truly believe that.

 

[princesss]

Aww, hun, I''m so sorry.

 

[KimberlyH]

I'm sorry you're hurting, and hopeful that once you are through grieving you will heal and head down a path of joy. Breaking up can be very painful, but it is also an opportunity to grow, learn and explore.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Oh honey, I''m so sorry you are hurting. Breakups are so painful, but you''re dealing with it so well and taking all the steps you need to to heal yourself. It will get better.

Try not to blame the kitty - I know why its hard to have her as a reminder of him, but try to distance her from that and recognize that she can be a wonderful source of comfort and love for you at this difficult time. All the cats I''ve ever had have been wonderful about being extra-affectionate and comforting when I''m upset and I''m sure your baby will do the same for you, if you let her.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Let me start by telling you how very very sorry I am for you...that I''m sad, and disappointed for you because I know you wanted things to work themselves out. I wish, for your sake, that we had all be wrong and that he would have that moment of enlightenment, and come running back.

So now for my advice (because you know I have something to say about this guy...)

It''s great he wants to be friends. It''s great that he wanted a break. And it''s great that in his mind, you''ll bend to all his wants. To bad in the real world it doesn''t work that way...oh well....sucks to be your ex-boyfriend.

First of all, you need to read the book I intially recommended...now that it''s "offical" I think a little literature will heal your soul, or at least make you laugh.

Next, you need to make the decision to put yourself first. Its something that probably will be harder done than said, because you probably think that if you continue to bend to him and his needs he''ll suddenly remember what an amazing person you are and come crawling back (this won''t happen, at least not any time soon...I promise). So go on and tell him that you two can be friends...with other people! There is no need to put yourself into a friendly situation with this "man" at this time...this is OUPeargirl time. You put this dude first a lot and got trappled by him saying one thing and doing another -- both in your favor and against you. Take care of yourself first and foremost, please...promise?

Lastly, give yourself permission to feel your feelings. Make no apologies. Sometimes as women think we need to be so strong after a breakup, because we''re either embarassed by the ending of our relationship, or uncomfortable talking about it, or trying to appear like we didn''t care at all...when in reality, we''re emotional wrecks on emotional rollercoasters. That''s okay. Anyone who has ever been in love and lost it, knows how painful these next few weeks are...so you''re entitled to feel happy and then sad all within 15 minutes if need be.

OU, I wish I''d been wrong when I said a break is a hop, skip and a jump from a break up. And I hope you take your time working thru your feelings. We''ll all continue to be a solid source of strength and comfort for you for as long as we can.

 

[LaurenThePartier]

Awwww, hun. I''m so sorry to hear this, but you were in a good position to put yourself on the road to healing before he finalized his actions. I''m sorry you''re hurting, but like everyone has said, the hurt will take some time to go away, but you will gradually feel better.

Pay attention to yourself as much as you need to! Let your kitten lay on your lap and purr, since all your baby knows how to do is love you. Reposition this time as a new beginning for yourself, and really, really get to know yourself better than you ever have.

We''re all here for you, and we''re glad to hear updates from you. Hugs!

 

[choro72]

Men are just evil. "Oh, I care about you...You''re a really great person...When I''m with you everything seems perfect..." They say these things because they want to sugarcoat the breakup so that they don''t sound like jerks. They are too chicken to say "I had a good time with you, but it''s not working out. Goodbye." They don''t realize that they make us think "Counseling might help! We can talk this through! If we care about each other, we can work it out!". Men, when initiating a breakup, don''t make us think "If it''s so good then why the heck are we breaking up!?"

OUPeargirl, cry your heart out now...You will feel much better. And you are 100% entitled to feel conflicted about your kitty. I think it''s normal. Once you feel better, you should look for someone who loves you and embraces you whole, temper and all.

 

[neatfreak]

I''m so sorry honey. Take care of YOURSELF right now. It''s better to know now rather than later right?

 

[EricaR]

Breakups are the absolute worst and I am so sorry you are going through this pain right now.

I hope your meow is feeling better. Please keep us up-to-date on how she (and you, of course!) are doing.

 

[loriken214]

My heart goes out to you OU.....time does truly heal and please take this time to take care of yourself and Pearls. Take one day at a time and take care of things that need to be done that day. Keep spending time with friends and family who are supportive of you and look forward to meeting new people and the healing that will take place.

I''ve been through this before and it can feel like your heart will take forever to heal, but it WILL HEAL and you WILL FIND SOMEONE who will TRULY CHERISH YOU for the PERSON YOU ARE and you will NOT HAVE TO PLAY WAITING GAMES any longer.

Please continue to share your feelings here.....we''re here for you and will be here as long as you need us!

Big hugs and much love to you!

Lori

 

[emilye900]

*hugs hugs hugs*

That''s the best thing I can give you right now! E-hugs & an ear to listen whenever you need to talk. All the girls on here seem awesome & I too promise to be here for you! It''s crazy how much you can care about someone you haven''t even met

Lots of wishes that each day gets better and better!!!

 

[Hera]

I''m so sorry about your breakup. Down the road, you''ll know this was the right decision.

Don''t beat yourself over anything you see as your fault. In my opinion, sometimes we have a tendency to be clingy with a person who is not right for us. We find ourselves trying to reach for more of them and find that we aren''t getting enough from them. I think you have seen some of this dynamic from him from not seeing you enough, canceling you for other events, and now space apart. This isn''t your fault! One day you''ll see that when you meet the right person, you will no longer feel yourself grasping at them and feeling like you received the short end of the stick.

Keep us posted and don''t go back to him. He''s not right for you!

 

[FrekeChild]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((GINORMOUS HUG))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

[Miscka]

I am so sorry you are hurting, OU. Breaking up is so very tough, but I think you will feel better sooner than you think. In fact, I think that you will be so much stronger and happier than you suspect. What Dreamer said about good relationships not making you anxious, clingy or sad was really wise. Take care of yourself, and keep us posted!

PS I hope Pearls is doing better also.