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My boyfriend just asked me for a "break"

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Date: 10/13/2008 8:43:29 PM
Author: CharmyPoo
You may not like what I am going to say. I have asked for a break in the past but everytime I have asked it was because I wanted to explore my options or I just couldn''t be around that person anymore. Almost every time after a break, I headed down a different path and we went our separate ways. However, my most recent break (well - not so recent 4 years ago), I realized that my boyfriend was the one for me and we got back together and still going strong.
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Sorry you are going through this...but i do agree that this is not a good sign...there sould be communication ,not seperation...The seperation will only hurt the relationship...If the guy wants seperation every time he has stress in his life then you will always be on the losing end of the stick....what happens if you marry and have children...will the insecurity of him running always be there?Every time you have a rough patch will he need time to "miss you"...what does that mean anyway?Sounds like this is a fair weather boy friend and needs to mature and relize that there are two people in the relationship and either stay in the relationship and strengthen it or get out and let you find someone who deals with a relationship and lifes stressers.......while you are apart are you going to just sit and wait for him or are you going to use the oppurtunity to check out your options and review if he is the best match for you.If you do stay together then there needs to be changes so he knows that running away isnt an option or a tool to use when ever you are not getting along.I know i am being a bit direct but the issues that are causing him to take the break need to be addressed.GOOD LUCK.
 
Gosh Im so sorry about that. We are all here for you though!
 
I''m sorry you are going through this. SO and I did this our first year of dating for about a month. We had had high stress from his ex trying to bug us, and his friends pushing him to go out and "kick it" with the guys, and he truly just needed to miss me. He said he didn''t feel right without me and we have been happy ever since. Stay strong and if ya ever wanna talk, vent right here
 
Oh, hun - I know exactly what you''re going through, and your attitude is phenomenal!

DH and I had a break about 9 months into our relationship when things got a bit too complex for how new it was. We were just taking space, but we didn''t talk each day. For the next several weeks, I threw myself into my hobbies and work, dinners out with friends and traveling, and after a while, realized that I did not deserve limbo, and I called him on it. I wanted to be with someone who WANTED to be with me, and I just didn''t see it from his end.

In any case, DH and I have been married for 2.5 years, and together for the past 4 - with no breaks - and are happier together than we''ve ever been apart.

Whether you and your BF end up together on the other side of this, you have the ability to develop a new relationship with yourself that you have the rest of your life to enjoy!

Good luck to you!
 
I''m sorry you are going through this. I think breaks can be smart if one or both of you is going through a transitional time, and needs to figure yourself out before figuring out how to be with another person. I feel like once that happens, you can retry things and they can work out if the change wasn''t too great. However, it''s bound to be difficult, so good luck.

A little story to keep you hopeful: One of my college roommates was dating a guy she had been with since high school. They went to different schools. They broke up and got back together numerous times as they both went through a lot of life changes as they grew up during the college years, but kept coming back to each other. They just got married this summer!
 
I haven''t heard from him yet today. It''s been hard. I wish I could just hide my phone for a few days so I would stop looking at it.

I started a new job today at a bridal salon, and I really had a great time. It will be nice to have something that is all girly and all me.

Thank you again for all of the support. Anyone who knows both of us that I have talked to about it says they would be shocked if we ended our relationship over this. We have that relationship that my friends all claim they wish they had. His all say the same. My roommate and her boyfriend were on a "break" for a couple of weeks and they say they are better off for it. ::Crosses fingers::

I''m trying to stay positive right now, because I can''t give up on us just yet.
 
I think it''s great that you have a new fun job to throw yourself into. Ugggghhhh, the damn phone....I know how torturous that can be! In time, everything will work itself out. I''ll be thinking of you!!! Hang in there sweetheart!
 
Date: 10/14/2008 7:17:13 PM
Author: OUpeargirl
I haven''t heard from him yet today. It''s been hard. I wish I could just hide my phone for a few days so I would stop looking at it.

I started a new job today at a bridal salon, and I really had a great time. It will be nice to have something that is all girly and all me.

Thank you again for all of the support. Anyone who knows both of us that I have talked to about it says they would be shocked if we ended our relationship over this. We have that relationship that my friends all claim they wish they had. His all say the same. My roommate and her boyfriend were on a ''break'' for a couple of weeks and they say they are better off for it. ::Crosses fingers::

I''m trying to stay positive right now, because I can''t give up on us just yet.
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The phone is the worst...

Just turn it off...or better yet, ask your roommate to please hold on to it while keeping the phone on viberate, if its anyone BUT your boyfriend calls, she can turn the phone over to you...but if he calls, you never even need to know.

I think that not hearing from him is better for you in the long haul...you need to appreciate the break to grow from it....
 
aww sorry oupear for your rough patch. this is the time to be selfish and do all the girly fun nights you want and prob. will need. if he can''t see how wonderful you are , then always remember that someone else will.
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Hi OUpeargirl,

my advice would be to give him as much space as he thinks he wants. Give him the chance to miss you. I am definitely speaking from experience. I dated my boyfriend in university for 2 years and it was the same story. I loved him to pieces, but we fought a lot and he kept trying to pull away from me and take "breaks". At the time, I felt like I had to do everything possible to keep us together because I loved him so much. My dad always told me "what''s meant to be will be" and he was so right. My boyfriend eventually took a real break from me and I didn''t hear from him for two years - not a word. The first few months were horrible but I eventually picked myself up and tried to move on. Two years later he came back to me out of the blue, asked me to forgive him and we are now happily engaged and more in love than ever. Looking back on it now, I wish I had just kept some of my dignity back then and walked away gracefully and let him have his space. As much as I missed him, those two years apart were very good for me, and I am a lot stronger for it now. We both want to be together equally now which is so important. I am secure in the relationship and not clingy like I used to be. He is very regretful of hurting me, and hates the fact that we lost 2 years together, but I know he needed that time apart to realize he needed me too. I hope its the same in your case, and that your story has a happy ending too. In the meantime, focus on yourself, have fun and just know that sometimes it really is better to just let go, as much as it hurts to do so.
Good luck and hugs :)
 
I already feel more independent from him. I know that when he has a lot going on or he wants a poker night with the guys I will react in a different way. If I''ve made it this long without talking to him and it didn''t kill me, I can definitely back off and stop being so clingy.

I really miss him right now. I just want to hear his voice, but I know that I can''t. At least not for awhile. The longer this goes on, the more I convince myself that he is done. I think it''s just anxiety and the fact that I have no idea WHAT he is thinking.

It''s driving me crazy, I tell you! Hopefully today will be a better day.
 
Date: 10/13/2008 8:31:15 PM
Author:OUpeargirl
Okay, I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year. For the last month or two things have just been... off with us. We have been fighting over stupid things. The more we fight the more insecure I get. The more insecure and angry I am, the less he wants to be around me. Earlier today he told me that he thinks we need to go on a break. There are no other girls (I believe him) he just has three interviews this week for jobs when he graduates. He is very stressed out and said he would like to take some space from us and give himself time to miss me.

Even though this will not be fun, I do think it could be the best option we have right now. Have any of you gone through something like this before and had success with it? Does anyone have advice?

I know for sure I will not be calling him or pestering him at all. I will let him come to me, because that is what I think he needs right now. Sigh. I hope this isn''t the end of us, I feel like we are meant to be and are just going through a rough time. I truly love him and I can only hope for the best.

Anything is appreciated.
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OUpeargirl, so sorry you are going through this. Although I haven''t been through your exact situation, I have been through a very difficult time in my relationship. It was very painful, words really can''t express it. We did end up working through our situation and are now married. It will really depend on both of you and what you want. It won''t work if you''re the only one wanting it and vice versa. During your time apart, maybe you can take some time to think about the kind of relationship you want and how you work on changing things if you two decide to stay together. This time isn''t all about him, it''s your time too to do some thinking and figure out what *you* want. One of my biggest problems when my FI (now husband) and I were having trouble was remembering me. Once I was able to do that and remind myself of who I was, I could then figure out what I needed and know that I could be ok no matter what. Just don''t forget about yourself during this time b/c you deserve the best and someone who wants to share your life with you.
 
OU
just try to find things to keep yourself occupied and keep your mind off of the situation. I bet he''ll be calling you before too long
 
OU, Just as he is using this time to focus on himself, do the same for you. Remember he fell in love with you in the first place because you were your own independant person. And a year from now when you are facing the challenges that he is facing now you will have more insight. Graduating from college and the first two years out of school is a time of major personal growth. Spend lots of time with friends and focus on you and the truly wonderful woman that you are. Also enjoy having some downtime for yourself.
 
When it rains it pours, right? This morning my kitty Pearls ate pieces of a broken lightbulb. I brought her to the vet immediately. She is now out of surgery, they think she will be okay. He found out from someone and told me he is really sorry and to let him know how it goes. I''m waiting awhile because I just don''t feel right talking to him. I guess I''ll text him in a bit and let him know she is okay for now.

Today has given me much more clarity than the past two days. It made me feel pretty good to know that I didn''t need him to be there through the surgery, that I could handle it on my own.

Thank you again for all of the support.
 
OU - OH NO! I hope your kitty is ok!

They aren''t lying about that raining and pouring. We had an accident, police, sickness, death in So''s family, two surgeries and the return of a crazy ex.... all in one week!!!!

Hugs to you. I''d just make the text short and simple, she''s ok for now thanks for keeping her in your thoughts. That''s it.
 
Oh honey, think of it this way...you are making it through this (whatever the outcomes) so you can make it through anything.

You are woman...you ARE roaring!

Love to your kitty, too!
 
Jas - that line was fantastic!!!
 
I hope that your kitty is doing well.
 
Right now she is just tired from the anesthesia. I''m watching her to make sure nothing abnormal happens, but I think and pray she will be ok.

He texted me a couple of times asking questions like when it happened, how much it cost, if she is home yet.. I guess that is a good thing? I just responded with the answers he asked for, nothing more.
 
Honestly, he wants a break, not you. Knowing all the answers about your cat, to me, is part of what he doesn''t benefit from any longer. If it were me, I''d just say that she''s doing fine and that you can discuss the details later.
 
OU I agree with the above. He asked for a break, he wanted space, he doesn''t get to ask questions and text whenever and have you jump to answer him. He wanted space, so give him JUST THAT
 
(preface this with I didn''t read all the replies...)

Smart lady to give him some space to let him deal with what he needs to do right now (right about a year is often when this happens too). Keep yourself very busy and happy doing things you would not otherwise have time to do (go shopping, try new hobbies, go out with friends, etc.) The breathing room will help the relationship grow and give him a chance to miss you when things settle down. When he is ready he will contact you. Be polite and friendly, but not needy which will be more stress on him and push him further away because he cannot give to you right now because he is overextended. He will appreciate you.

Huge hug - come here when you feel sad and we will be happy to give you more hugs. This too will pass!
Stay Strong!
 
Date: 10/14/2008 8:44:12 AM
Author: OUpeargirl
Thank you again ladies. This is just really hard. I have gotten barely any sleep and I just feel like a weepy mess. He called me last night to discuss more of what it actually means. We will still talk, just not a million times a day. I do not know if that means once a day, or what. He also said he won''t leave me in limbo for a long period of time. Two weeks max. He just needs a cooling off period and to focus on school/jobs. It sounds silly, but we are still in a ''facebook relationship.'' He said we don''t need everyone freaking out and asking if we are broken up, because we are not. He said he knows other couples that have gone through something similar and ended up being stronger. He said he wants to be with me for the long haul, and would like this to be sorted out before he graduates and moves away. I still have a year of school left after him.


I go from feeling like this is just a hurdle we will get over to feeling like this is just an excruciatingly long break up. All of his friends say he has been whipped by me since day one. Maybe he feels like he has lost part of himself and part of his freedom?



I am trying to focus on me and making myself feel better. All I do is cry right now, but this also happened less than 24 hours ago. Thanks again for the advice.


I hate knowing he is interviewing today and I start a new job today, and the one person I will want to talk to the most is the one I can''t. My mom said any time I feel like talking to him, I should call her. That has helped a lot.
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I love that your mom is there for you! and instead of thinking of it as a break, why not just call it as it seems? he needs space. its a "space" break, not a relationship break.

I hope you are still going strong, i really admire your maturity and strength through all this!!
 
I was getting ready for dinner with a friend and her family tonight (which BTW I didn''t really want to go to, but I figured I should get out of the house for a bit) and he started texting me about the cat again. I just told him that it wasn''t a good time. He responded by saying he was really sorry, he''d leave me alone and keep Pearls in his prayers. I didn''t respond

A few minutes ago he text messaged me again saying "Meg I''m really sorry about today. I feel terrible that I wasn''t there for you." After consulting with friends my response was that you can''t be in control when things like that happen. He wants a break and I am giving that to him. He said that he knows that but he just feels bad. Soooo I said "I handled everything just fine on my own." so he says "I know ya did good." And my final word was that I wasn''t trying to make him feel bad, but I can''t make him feel better right now. He just said I know.. I know.

After that convo i called a friend who is close to his best friend, T. I guess the two guys went to dinner together. I guess R (the boyfriend) told T that he has no intention in breaking up with me.

Aaaand while I was typing this he just said "Goodnight. I still love you." I feel soooo much better. I know now that we''ll get back together. Even if it isn''t for a few more days. But, all of you girl power feminists don''t worry! I am laying it out pretty clear that the next time things get stressful, he can''t do this again. Like you all said, you can''t be a fairweather boyfriend.

I''ll update you when I know more. But, just wanted to check in that I am feeling better. I was feeling better before all of that from him, and now I just feel strong and independent.
 
Do you only feel strong and independent because you know he's coming back...and that has tempered the storm of emotions?

Today, was clearly a hard day for you. It's times like these where your partner becomes your rock...and when you needed him, he wasn't there--because he put his needs first. Sure, you learned the all important lesson that you can do just about anything by yourself and come out okay, but the fact still remains that you saw--up close and personal--just how "abandoned" you really were.

I hope things work out for you...but I hope you're still taking time to set your personal relationship bar higher, and not just breathing easy because you've heard thru the grapevine he's coming back sooner or later...
 
That is something that is going to take time for me to know for sure. I really did feel better today before talking to him.

Don''t get me wrong, our issues will still be there after this break. But, I do believe that I''ll have gained some maturity and perspective I did not have a few days, weeks, months ago.

I also have realized what I want out of a relationship. If he is not going to fulfill them, it will be hard, but I will walk away. If we do get back together I do not think things will be hunky dory a few days in. I will not put up with anything like this ever again.
 
why does he get to make all the rules? he wants the break, he says you will still talk, but when HE contacts you. so, your left feeling hurt and confused?! sounds like he wants it both ways. will he decide when he wants to get back together? don't let it go on for too long! you can't live that way! i was going to say, don't sit by the phone,(that's what we did before cell phones!
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don't be so quick to answer his calls and texts, let him wonder, especially if it is at night! let him stew a little!
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p.s. i know you don't want to hear this, but i think when guys want a break-they want to see what else is out there.(even nice guys do it!) i have been where you are,(a long time ago) the drama went on for too long, because i let it. men suck!
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i'm really not bitter!
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i would also not get involved with the grapevine for now, don't talk to his friends about him or what he feels, or is doing, and tell your mutual friends you don't want to talk about him. having that knowledge is like a security(insecurity!) blanket.
 
I have to say most times that is the death knell to the relationship, though not always of course. You, though, might find you do not need him, and I would be clear in my own head that you set limits too. Do not be toyed with or strung along, be your own advocate too. He has a right to make choices for himself, true, but he should play fairly and not play with your feelings either.
 
I just wanted to say I am sorry to hear this. You seem like such a sweetie, I love reading your posts.

No matter what, you will learn from this. Sounds like you already have. Not sure if this is going to come out right, but I learned after my break up not to lean on anyone so much. I am completely self-sufficient, and there is no reason I need to go calling BF over every little thing. It gets tedious, and it made me feel like I *needed* him to function. Not so. I am dating again, and find my new relationship so much freer without that. I am not sure if that makes sense, but I hope you enjoy learning your own strength, and that whatever happens makes you happy. Oh, and your new job sounds really cool!! Do you like it so far? Hugs!

ETA: So sorry about your kitty
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My puppy Rhett ate a battery a week ago. It is such a scary feeling! I hope Pearls is feeling better.
 
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