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My boyfriend just asked me for a "break"

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Date: 10/16/2008 12:30:50 AM
Author: pixie1216
why does he get to make all the rules? he wants the break, he says you will still talk, but when HE contacts you. so, your left feeling hurt and confused?! sounds like he wants it both ways. will he decide when he wants to get back together? don''t let it go on for too long! you can''t live that way! i was going to say, don''t sit by the phone,(that''s what we did before cell phones!
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don''t be so quick to answer his calls and texts, let him wonder, especially if it is at night! let him stew a little!
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p.s. i know you don''t want to hear this, but i think when guys want a break-they want to see what else is out there.(even nice guys do it!) i have been where you are,(a long time ago) the drama went on for too long, because i let it. men suck!
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i''m really not bitter!
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i would also not get involved with the grapevine for now, don''t talk to his friends about him or what he feels, or is doing, and tell your mutual friends you don''t want to talk about him. having that knowledge is like a security(insecurity!) blanket.
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When he said we would still talk, he didn''t say "when I call you." But, I just didn''t allow myself to contact him. Any time he has text messaged me I have not written back immediately after. I''ve sometimes waited a couple of hours, to let him stew and wonder where I am or what I''m doing. Hehe the phone is the worst. I actually have been leaving mine in the car or at home a lot this week. It''s way better than checking it every few minutes and seeing nothing.

All week I have gone through so many emotions. Sometimes I am unbearably sad... Then other times I am down right angry. And then other moments I feel like this is the right thing to do.

If he wanted to get back together tomorrow I would say no. Besides, I have plans with my girlfriends basically all weekend, and I''m not going to break them for him. He is not the only one making decisions, although the first few days it felt that way. Now I feel like I have a choice in this as well.

Lots of thinking left to do! But, it''s much easier to think when I''m not crying all of the time, looking at pictures and listening to "I Will Always Love You." Hahaha I''m not going to lie, I definitely did that the first day.

Thank you again PSers. I don''t know what I would be doing without you. You are all a Godsend! I have read what each of you have said and taken it to heart. I really appreciate your help, advice, and encouragement.
 
I just wanted to tell you what a great job you are doing of staying strong, ou!
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I wish Pearls back to health soon, too!
 
How is Pearls doing this morning?
 
I wonder why he didn''t rush over as soon as he heard about what happened with the cat. No matter what was happening between you (break) if he loves you he would have wanted to be there with you. If you truly believe he has every intention of coming back to you, why didn''t he come over and give you support when he knew how upset you would have been?
 
Maisie - thank you for being blunt where I can''t be


OU - I hope your kittie is doing well and that you are feeling ok today! Hope to hear from you soon!
 
Pearls is doing ok. She sleeps a lot.

I wonder that too. I''m just so sad today.
 
(((((((HUGS)))))))))

I get to see you in like a week! You''re still coming down, right?
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I didn''t mean to be hurtful sweetheart. I''m sorry if I came across that way.
 
Not so sure if its too late for me to give u an advice :)
I was a fresh graduate too two years ago.. and my first job after uni required me to move overseas.. the time different makes us hard to communicate with each other.. He kept on nagging why so hard to contact me and why I rarely call him.. so I decide we should take a break (when I say that I was meaning a break up) but then a year past..

I was back to Australia last year.. and we met again. He didnt find someone new, he said he believe I''ll come back. I was touched and appreciate him more since then. We''re even planning on getting married sometimes next yr :).

I''d say give hime the time he needs and just have fun with your friends. If your feelings is right, he will be back next to you and loves you even more for giving him that extra space =) But, in any case you''re wrong, be happy that you''re not ended up marrying him and stuck with him for the rest of your life!! coz that is a disaster.

Take care <3
 
Well, after posting that she took a turn for the worse. She has been moving too much and I have to keep her as still as possible or she could pass. A friend told him and he immediately came over. I didn''t even know he knew. He sat with us on the couch, mainly petting her, but rubbing my back a bit. I got kind of emotional when he asked how I was doing. I said that it''s just been a hard week, waiting on things I have no control over. When he asked what I said well, I''m just waiting to see if I will lose you or lose Pearls. I said I couldn''t believe we were where we were. He didn''t say much, just looked really sad. Then I said that if he was done with me he could say so, it would be okay. He just said no and held me for a long time.

After petting her for awhile, he left. He kissed my cheek, neck, and knee. I could tell it was hard for him to leave. I''m now just more confused than ever.

I know he loves me... that isn''t the issue. I think this is really hard for both of us. I found out his interviews all went really well and so did his test. It sucks that my week has fallen apart while his seems to be going smoothly.

He has not told most of his friends about our break. Last night I ran into a large group of guys in his fraternity. Many of them asked me where he was. That was hard. Everyone thinks this is really just a break and we really will be fine in a couple more weeks. I feel like 4 days has been hard, I don''t know how I can go longer.
 
I''m so sorry to hear about your cat.
 
I''m not sure I understand the break. If he looked so pained to leave, then why leave? I understand needing time to yourself. If it''s paining him so much then why is he seemingly forcing himself to take a break from you. There''s a difference between needing some time to himself to get organized and taking a break from the relationship. He has done the latter. Why? To me, that says that he has serious doubts about the relationship. He doesn''t have to leave, he''s choosing to leave.
 
Trust me, I wish I knew. It did feel good to see him, smell him, feel him. Even for a half hour. I just want us to go back to how we were. I want to hear his laugh again.

I am sorry to be such a debbie downer. I guess it was a good thing he came over. I just want to be with him and it is killing me that I can''t.

Pearls is doing as good as she can right now. She is just sleeping, which is good. I am so worried for her. I can''t decide if I should stay in tonight or not. I want to be with her but I also think if I stay home I''ll just be upset and missing Rick.

WHEN WILL THIS END???
 
Sending you a hug. I am sorry about your cat. I hope everything works out for you two. I know it''s hard.
 
Big hugs to you!!! I hope Pearls pulls through.

I honestly think he is thinking about what the future holds after he graduates. With these job interviews, he''s thinking a lot about life after college. I think he''s just taking this time to be absolutely sure that he sees you in it with him. Especially since you have a year left to go. It will be difficult with him working and you still in school. Are his potential jobs near O.U.?

I think we all give advice based on our own experiences, so this is definitely based on my experience with my DH. I may be way off!

I hope all of this gets resolved soon, as I know the waiting and being in limbo is sheer agony.
 
Many of his potential jobs would put him working within 30 minutes from me. Some others are in the DFW area, less than a 3 hour drive or Tulsa, which is under 2 hours away. He has said before he wouldn''t want to work anywhere in Pennsylvania or Amarillo, because he would be far from his family and me. We were apart this summer while he was working in Fort Worth, and we both handled things very well. Still, I know it will be different for him living the life of a post grad, as opposed to an intern. If it weren''t for how worried and caught up he has been in all of his school and work stuff lately, I would be much more concerned. But, before our break his mom even asked me if I thought he was okay.

Thank you again. I''m looking forward to going out with some girls tonight that do not run in the same circle of friends as he does. I think it will be good for me to meet new people, not hang out with the same ones.

Thank you again. Pearls appreciates all of your prayers and well wishes. I hope she pulls through this, I already lost one kitten.... don''t want to do that again! You are all wonderful women.
 
after reading thru the posts, i want to send lots of happy thoughts to you. and you''re kitty!
i''m going to be very honest - b/c i wish someone would''ve been honest with me. i don''t quite understand why you are tolerating the "waiting game." if he wants a break, the break needs to be defined. is it a month? 2 months? 6? will you talk/text/email? see other people in the meantime? you deserve to know what his break entails. you deserve the opportunity to move on with your life, and not feel as though you''re sitting around waiting for him to decide to come back.
you may love him with all your heart, and think that the future is bright. you can believe that things will work out. however, this man doesn''t respect you right now. he''s giving you mixed signals. he''s there when it''s convenient for him, not necessarily when you need him. he needs a break b/c his plate is too full? life is too short to be strung along by someone who isn''t willing/able to give you their all. i think you deserve better, and i encourage you to define this "break." i think it will help you to feel more in control, and less like you need to check your phone 50 times in 2 minutes.
best of luck to you!
 
Hey mommy2iz, he said that it would probably be two weeks max. When talking of this going on for months he said "he would never do that to me." We are not seeing other people. We text rarely, but I have not come to him first. Some of that is for my own piece of mind and so I feel like I am actually giving him space.

If he had done anything similar to this in a year... I would walk. But, he has been supportive, loving, and at times very tolerant of me. I have been making him feel bad for a few weeks now. I''ve been very critical of him lately. Part of me thinks I may have broken some of his trust by being so mean. I KNOW I am not the only reason for our problems, but I will take some responsibility.

Lauren the Partier I am still coming, provided nothing goes wrong with the cat!!
 
I'm sorry about your kitty. I hope she gets better. With a great mom like you, I'm sure she will.

I'm afraid I don't understand his reason for the break either. I understand all of the stresses he's going through and I def. sympathize but I just don't get why he still needs to be away from you. It just seems a lot like mind/controlling games to me. I had an ex that did the same thing. We dated for a few months (I think 8) and he decides that we needed to break off so he can "wrap his head around things." And then he'd do all that your bf is doing now...the calling, the texting, the "I miss you baby messages", coming over and telling me the whole thing was hard. And every time I would just tear up. Then one night it hit me, what kind of crazy game is this? He misses me. He calls me. He texts me. He comes and sees me. But he can't be with me? How does that even make any sense at all. So I killed the relationship right then.

I'm not trying to be mean or negative but dang. Kissing you on the cheek, neck, and knee and being pained for leaving but still leaving? Doesn't make sense to me.

I remember how it was for me then. The sadness and then the anger for feeling used and manipulated so I guess that's why I'm saying what I'm saying. It's coming from an angry place LOL
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ETA: And honestly it makes me a little angry for you that he has the nerve to say "in two weeks." He's having too much control of your life right now with comments like that. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, like I said...angry place
 
None of you are sounding harsh. I came here knowing that I would get some blunt truths that weren''t what I wanted to hear, but maybe what I need to.

If at any time during this I feel like I can''t do it anymore, I won''t. Right now I am trying to think that 2 weeks out of 13 months is something I can do if it will save our relationship. And there is no magic day of two weeks... he just knows it won''t be a long drawn out break. Just a short one to assess his feelings and what he said "figure out what things I can change about myself." I think he is angry with me and so angry that he has been having trouble seeing the things he does wrong. I hope that during this time he can realize what he should change, as I am doing.

If we don''t work out I will still have learned very many lessons. Ahhh thank you for such a warm place to vent. All of my friends and his are *positive* we will get through this as a couple. Although it is what I want to hear, it''s nice to know that I''m not the only person who thinks I should be mad.
 
OU, I just think it is weird he gave such a specific and short time period. What is going to be different in two weeks? You have rights here too, and I am glad you will not tolerate more than you can handle.

Please pet your kitty for me and I hope she is going to be okay...
 
I''m very late to your thread, but I just read through it and FIRST, I really really really hope that Pearls is ok. Secondly, I''m so sorry you are going through this. It''s been a long while since I''ve had to deal with anything like this, but I''ve been there, and I know it''s horrible. As much as I hope everything works out for you, I don''t like AT ALL what he is doing to you. It sounds a lot like what my high school BF (of five years-- on and off) did to me. You said you had some faults too and that you were criticizing him too much. OF COURSE you have faults, everyone does. But he needs to be clear with you and let you know exactly what he is thinking, because it involoves you too. He WASN''T there for you when your cat went in for surgery, then when he said "ya did good"-- what is that supposed to mean? That sounds kind of condescending, but maybe that''s just me. And then when he did show up, for a HALF-HOUR when you were OBVIOUSLY going through a terrible time with your cat, he LEFT you? If it was so hard to leave, why the hell did he leave? I''m sorry, I guess I have some old anger pent up too. But seriously----- if you were criticizing too much and he needed a break, couldn''t he have been clearer about that? Or couldn''t he have told you he was starting to feel like he needed a break and given you a chance to work on it first? We all have our flaws, but bailing on someone isn''t the right thing to do. I think you should start calling a few shots on your own.

Maybe this is all for the best and I''m only thinking of my own past situations for comparison. But either way, use it as a time to learn about you and be that awesome person with or without him. It feels great to think back on the good times of that old relationship I had, and remember all the things I learned from the bad times. I was NOT the model girlfriend, but he was the typical insensitive a-hole too. Since then I am not clingy or needy in any way with my fiance (together over eight years!) and I do have my first relationship to thank for that. Also, my old BF saw the error of his ways too, and gave me several chances to go back. As much as I will always have a spot in my heart for him, I am MUCH happier being the person I am without him. You gotta get back to being yourself, whether he is in the pictures or not. Best of luck to you, and of course to Pearls. Keep us posted!
 
Date: 10/18/2008 12:48:18 AM
Author: diamondfan
OU, I just think it is weird he gave such a specific and short time period. What is going to be different in two weeks? You have rights here too, and I am glad you will not tolerate more than you can handle.

Please pet your kitty for me and I hope she is going to be okay...
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Word!!!
 
You said you spent the summer apart. Now he wants a break... It just seems a bit strange to me. If you had all that time away from eachother why does he need a futher two weeks to work out what he wants?
 
First and foremost, I am SO SORRY about Pearls!!! I hope she recovers quickly!!!


I agree with Maise - I dont'' really understand why he needs another break? It just doesn''t make a lot of sense to me. If he can''t handle stresses with you there, then what is he going to do when you are married?
 
I don''t get it either. I can''t wait for this to be over so I can ask him. Last night I actually had a lot of fun. One of my friends was at the party he went to and apparently he was sulking in a corner. Even though that made me feel good I had to ask her to stop telling me about him. I''m trying to enjoy life without him for the moment, and I don''t need to hear about his every move.
 
Date: 10/18/2008 10:56:05 AM
Author: OUpeargirl
I don''t get it either. I can''t wait for this to be over so I can ask him. Last night I actually had a lot of fun. One of my friends was at the party he went to and apparently he was sulking in a corner. Even though that made me feel good I had to ask her to stop telling me about him. I''m trying to enjoy life without him for the moment, and I don''t need to hear about his every move.
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Good for you.

I haven''t posted much because everybody''s saying what I''ve been thinking, but I''ve seen couples come back from breaks much stronger, and I keep hoping that will happen for you.

*hug*

I hope your kitty is doing better today.
 
OU- I've tried really hard not to post here, because I try to avoid rashashing these two years of my life; but every one of your posts is breaking my heart. I feel like I'm reliving my past in your thread. Like everyone else I don't mean to be harsh, but your BF sounds just like my ex.

It was spring of 2005, we'd been dating for 2.5 yrs, and we were now startig to fighting alot. All of a sudden he said he wanted a break. He told me it would just be short becuase he needed to figure some things out. All my friends said that it was only a phase and we would get back together. All of his friends said the same things, and anytime he was seen out, all my friends would tell me he was sulking in the corner. This was true, but not for the reasons that I led myself to believe. He was sulking because he was realizing that he no longer had feelings for someone (me) he once loved so dearly. I also had to deal with being the one to tell his friends that we were on a break, and also took this as a sign that he wasn't serious about truely ending things. At first I sounded just like you, and everyone thought I was very strong, but it was all just a front because once I stopped lying to myself and realized what was really happening, I became a wreck. I cried when I woke up because I had no one to call and tell "Good morning", I cried when something happened that I really wanted to tell him about, I cried before going to sleep because I had no one to tell me "Goodnight". I stopped going to classes, or only for tests, and then took muscle relaxers so that I was able to sleep most of the day. He's allowed to sulk, but it may not be for the reasons you think. I didn't find this out from him, ever. I moved home for the summer of 05 to try and separate myself from him for a bit, but everytime I returned to visit we would meet up. Everytime we talked he said, "I'm sure we'll get back together", but what I also later found out was that, he saw how much I was hurting and didn't want to smash whatever hope I had left. He didn't want to hurt me even more by telling me the truth. Though, what that meant, was that he was lying to me over and over again. I held on for almost 2 years. I was sverely depressed, on major medications, and was at the lowest I have ever been in my whole life.

The day he graduated (1.5 yrs later), I said enough.
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I had become what every one of my friends couldn't believe could ever happen. He moved back home while I continued my last summer of college. When I went home after graduating, we saw each other one last night, and the next morning I awoke, and it was all over. I wanted nothing to do with him and it was so empowering. And it felt even better to know that I did it myself.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I think you need to either demand some real answers from him, or start letting go. A situation like this will only tear you down, the longer you allow yourself to be part of it. I wrote this, because I believe you are allowing yourself to get lost in his lies. He wanted a break to deal with his interviews. They are over, so why aren't you back together??? You are half of this relationship and are allowed to make the same rules he's trying to. Stop waiting for him, because from what I see, it's going to be this week, then another, and then another. You have been together a year, and the fact that he can't even express his feelings with you says something. It took me year to realize what my ex wasn't telling me, and the last thing I want to see, is for that to happen to anyone else.

Please stand up for yourself, and don't wait for him to call you in order to talk. If you have to leave it on his voicemail because he doesn't answer, then do it. If you decide to call, just make sure you aren't emotional (crying or mad) because he won't take you seriously if you are. Honey, please STOP waiting on him.

ETA: I do hope that everything works out for the best, for you. I don't agree with what he is doing to you, and is not communicating with you the way he should be after dating for a while.

My fiance now, was my best friend during this horrible time in my life, and has seen me at my absolute lowest point. Love is something that should grow stronger in times of need. It is not something you are supposed to walk away from. You deserve some truthful answers, please try and get them.
 
We just broke up.
 
I am so sorry that you had to deal with this... But at least you have an answer and you can get on with your life. It obviously was not meant to be, and hopefully you have learned a thing or two about yourself in this whole process. I know that you are sad, but try to look at things on the positive side. You can only grow from this experience, and it will make you a stronger person in the long run. Keep in touch with us and let us know how you are doing!!!
 
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