My boyfriend just asked me for a "break"

[OUpearlgirl]

Okay, I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year. For the last month or two things have just been... off with us. We have been fighting over stupid things. The more we fight the more insecure I get. The more insecure and angry I am, the less he wants to be around me. Earlier today he told me that he thinks we need to go on a break. There are no other girls (I believe him) he just has three interviews this week for jobs when he graduates. He is very stressed out and said he would like to take some space from us and give himself time to miss me.

Even though this will not be fun, I do think it could be the best option we have right now. Have any of you gone through something like this before and had success with it? Does anyone have advice?

I know for sure I will not be calling him or pestering him at all. I will let him come to me, because that is what I think he needs right now. Sigh. I hope this isn''t the end of us, I feel like we are meant to be and are just going through a rough time. I truly love him and I can only hope for the best.

Anything is appreciated.

 

[Haven]

I''ve never gone through anything like this, but I wanted to give you some support. I''m sure this is difficult, and I hope you two can work it out. Let us know how you''re doing.

 

[CharmyPoo]

You may not like what I am going to say. I have asked for a break in the past but everytime I have asked it was because I wanted to explore my options or I just couldn''t be around that person anymore. Almost every time after a break, I headed down a different path and we went our separate ways. However, my most recent break (well - not so recent 4 years ago), I realized that my boyfriend was the one for me and we got back together and still going strong.

 

[Diamond*Dana]

I have not been through this before, but my sister has. She asked her high school BF for a break after they had been together for over 2 years. She wanted to see other people...not because she didn''t love him, but because they started dating when she was only 14 years old and he had gone away to college. Well, she never must have thought that if she was seeing other people that he just might see others as well. He did, he met another girl that he ended up marrying. My sister was heartbroken for the longest time. She is happily married now, but it took her a long time to get over that one.

I hope that it all works out for you and your BF. Best wishes!

 

[OUpearlgirl]

I know him well and I know he is not looking for other options. I know he just needs some time apart to relax and kick it with the guys without feeling guilty. I am 90% sure that he will come back in a week or less. I just need to be strong and actually give him space.

In a previous relationship I asked for some space, and by doing that I got far less space than I ever had before. I realize that the best thing I can do is take care of myself, go out with the girls, and find ways to be distracted. As soon as we had our conversation I went for a long walk. I felt so much better after that, so I plan to exercise a lot. Any other ideas to get my mind off of him??

 

[GoingCrazy29]

Yes, I have been in your situation almost exactly. My senior year of college my boyfriend of 2 years asked for a break after things had been "off" with us for a couple of months. We both were job searching and stressed, and I chalked it up to that and figured we would get back together. I soon realized that I was happier during that break than I had been for months. Did I miss him? Absolutly, but I was doing ok (after the first few weeks of crying and thinking the break was a terrible mistake we had mande). I took advantage of our time apart, and by the time he realized that he had made a mistake and wanted to get back together less than 3 months later- I realized that I had grown out of the relationship and let him know that I wanted to keep him as a friend, but our romantic relationship was done.

Less than a year after that, I found the true love of my life and have never looked back. My ex boyfriend and I are remarkable friends and I look forward to running into him at homecoming games and various events throughout the year, we respect each other and enjoy the friendship that came out of a failed relationship. I cannot imagine what would have happened if I had tried to force the relationship back together, him breaking my heart was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Every story, every relationship, every situation is different- but listen to your heart after its broken because it might surprise you with what its telling you! Good luck and keep us updated!

 

[katamari]

Sorry to hear this.

This does worry me, I am not going to lie. The positive of being in a relationship is that you have a support system to get you through tough times. If he doesn''t want you to be his support system now, I would see that as a problem.

I think the best thing that you can do during this time is really evaluate whether you want to be with him for ever or just walk away with a positive memory of what you had. Personally, I would always worry that if someone wanted to take a break once, they will want to do it again. Will you be willing to deal with that? How many times? And for how long? Other things to consider: Is there a chance that he will need to move for his job? Maybe this is freaking him out. Are you ready to go with him anywhere, even if it means compromising your plans for your future? If this is the case, maybe it is for the best.

In general, I would just make sure you are really ready for this serious of a relationship and to deal with it if things go south. You are very young and have plenty time to find someone who would never be ready to take a break from you.

Stay strong!

 

[AmberWaves]

OU, first of all, let me say I''m sorry! Even though you know it''s totally for the best right now, it still sucks to be asked for "a break" (anyone else watch the "Friends" episodes revolving around Ross and Rachel''s ''break''? Not that it''s fitting in your situation, but whenever I hear that I automatically think R&R). ANYWAY, I ramble. I have been the asker. The reason I did it was also because I just couldn''t see myself with that person at that moment, and felt that was the nicest way possible to get that across. Again, not that it''s your case.

So we had our break in February of 98. And as of November third, we''ll have been back together now for five years, married one. For me, a break showed me what other people were out there, and how different things were with other people. I had some very long relationships between OUR relationship v.1 and v.2, and while each person was fabulous, it wasn''t HIM. So I found him again after five years and things had gotten better, and I''m really happy we had that break, because had I stayed with him at that point, I probably would have gotten so aggravated that things just would have festered and would have been ruined beyond repair.

I talk too much. I just wanted to let you know that it CAN happen. Happy Endings are possible!

 

[KimberlyH]

A bit after DH and I began dating our relationship became to complicated (long story, not worth telling) for being so new. We decided to stop dating and remained friendly. I simply went about my business (work, friends, dinners out, my books, exercise, doing the things that make me happy) and eventually we found our way back together when the madness died down. We''ve now been married for over 2 years, happily so.

 

[luvmyhalo]

Right after my boyfriend & I graduated college (Texas A&M - Whoop!

), we both moved up to Dallas. Within 3 months, he wanted to "take a break". For him, it was a new part of his life. He was nervous about entering the working world and unsure of so many things. I gave him the space he needed. After only 3 days, he said, "I''ve thought about it and I don''t need my space afterall." I told him, "Noooo, take some time to figure out whatever it is that''s bothering you." We were apart for just a few months and he figured out that I was the best thing for him. We''ve been married for 6 years and have a beautiful 21 month old little girl.

Graduating college can be stressful, especially for guys. They are expected to be successful men who will be excellent providers for their family. That can be a lot of pressure on someone. Its even more stressful when there''s someone else in the equation that they''ll have to "take care of". Not that women neeeed to be taken care of, but men are taught that from a very young age. Especially in the South, and if he grew up anywhere near Oklahoma, that''s probably what he''s been taught also.

Give him some space and if it''s meant to be, he''ll come back with a clear mind and heart! Good luck and I''m sorry you have to go through this....I know it sucks!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I''m going to be the bad guy again...but OU, a break is a hop, skip and a jump from "break up".

I know you feel like you know this man...and you love him. I know that he means everything to you...and your relationship is clearly important. But, the thing is, you''re in a relationship with a man that can''t be with you and handle stress at the same time.

Life is going to serve up a lot more stress than "three job interviews". If this guy can''t balance you now when things are seriously "peaceful" by general standards...how is he going to cope when things get really complex? Will he always be the type to bail out on you when the going gets tough?

What if it turns out that you two are married, have a couple of darling babies, and he looses his job, and one of the kids gets sick, and you end up having a surprise pregnancy? Will he split to take an extended vacation with the boys because he can''t "deal" and needs to "miss you"?

I''m married, OU, and please believe me when I say a partnership isn''t something you break from. It''s something that you cling to harder when things are stressful. He can have fun with his friends without shutting you out.

Although he decided to skip out on you, prehaps you need to take some time and think about what you want out of a relationship and life partner. I know you''re sad...but this man showed you he''s kind of flakey (and good at making you feel insecure)...now it''s time to be secure enough to be honest with yourself.

 

[Hera]

"He is very stressed out and said he would like to take some space from us and give himself time to miss me."

He needs space to miss you? That doesn't sound very encouraging, especially after just a year.

As for time apart, I did request time apart from my boyfriend after five years because he wouldn't commit and I found and fell in love with my now husband.

Sorry, to be a Debbie Downer, but in my honest opinion, it doesn't sound good. I hope I'm wrong though.

 

[denverboy]

hope things work out for you. just wanted to chime in - i personally think it takes at LEAST one year to properly get to know someone. The first 3 months are great usually, the next few months are usually fun too. After about 7-8 months it either begins to fall apart b/c it turns out the couple really isn''t made for each other, or things continue to go pretty well (through the ups and downs) b/c the couple really does get along. Worst case, if it doesn''t work out (by his choice or mutually) know that this is for the best... if he isn''t the right guy, he isn''t the right guy. Communication is key, and if you can talk about things and work it out then that is best and that is great. Good luck!

 

[Kaleigh]

I''m sorry. Have no clue what will happen. But if it''s meant to be he''ll come back. You know that saying if you love someone enough, you set them free, if it''s meant to be, they come back to you... I''d take this time away do stuff for yourself.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

Thank you for all of the words of advice and encouragement. I found the best thing for me to do today was to listen to the Beatles "Let it Be." If his life is better off without me, then I am for sure better off without him.

I want to be with someone who WANTS to be with me. I am a bit more optimistic about this break than most of you are, because I guess I know what has been going on lately better. I don''t want to bore you with details.

Today I embroidered a tea towel, took a long run, and hung out with girlfriends. I have plans this weekend to go sing karaoke. I honestly think that in a week if he hasn''t already decided, I''ll make the decision for us. Earlier he said he had every intention of us staying together. He still says I''m his girlfriend, he is just taking space. I don''t think it is the nicest thing ever, but oh well.

If things go well, I think this break will help me be much more at peace when he has a "guy night." If things end, then I will be glad to not waste more time with someone who obviously doesn''t feel the way I do.

Thank you again for your support. Although, some of you didn''t say what I wanted to hear, I appreciate your honesty.

 

[choro72]

OUpeargirl, I want to applaud you for your attitude

Not many women will be able to stay strong in your position. You deserve someone who is willing to stick with you through the rough times, and understand that fights are part of building a relationship. Keep coming back whenever you get confused

 

[FrekeChild]

I''m sorry you''re going through this OUpear. I know it sucks. I''ve been on the receiving end (when my first love moved to CA without plans of coming back but wanted to continue the relationship) and I''ve been on the giving end (BF of almost 4 years, and I just didn''t want to be with him anymore).

So to me, break = break up.

I''ve always told myself if a break was necessary, then it would be likely that it just wasn''t meant to be. And I lived this when 3 months into our relationship FF had to undergo life threatening surgery. The stress afterwards almost killed me (felt like it anyway), and I always remember how it would have been so easy to just walk away. It was only an investment of a few months! But I stuck it out. And I hope your BF does as well. Because it''ll be his loss if he doesn''t.

Either way, we''ll all be here for you! You sound so strong and like a woman who knows what she wants and more importantly, deserves.

I hope that for his sake, you don''t end up being his "the one who got away".

 

[Diva0413]

I''ve been through this before. Twice. The first time, like CharmyPoo, my intentions were to explore other options because things with the BF just weren''t going quite right. It was emotionally (and financially) draining and I needed a break. When I met my FI, I was actually his first real girlfriend so we also ended up taking a break. Honestly, it didn''t last very long and we''re getting married next year. The bottom line is if you and your BF are honest with each other and he just needs some space until this time passes, that it may be just that and you have nothing to worry about.

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 10/13/2008 8:31:15 PM
Author:OUpeargirl
Okay, I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year. For the last month or two things have just been... off with us. We have been fighting over stupid things. The more we fight the more insecure I get. The more insecure and angry I am, the less he wants to be around me. Earlier today he told me that he thinks we need to go on a break. There are no other girls (I believe him) he just has three interviews this week for jobs when he graduates. He is very stressed out and said he would like to take some space from us and give himself time to miss me.

Even though this will not be fun, I do think it could be the best option we have right now. Have any of you gone through something like this before and had success with it? Does anyone have advice?

I know for sure I will not be calling him or pestering him at all. I will let him come to me, because that is what I think he needs right now. Sigh. I hope this isn''t the end of us, I feel like we are meant to be and are just going through a rough time. I truly love him and I can only hope for the best.

Anything is appreciated.

If he had just suddenly asked for a break, I would agree that break = euphemism for "break up". In this case I think it''s just "break from YOU".

Based on what you said, I think you basically drove him away with the nagging and clingyness. It sounds like you have your head on straight now. Give him all the space he needs to miss you and I suspect he WILL miss you. Just remember when you do speak with him, or have a date...do NOT get insecure. Do not ask about what he did, who he spent time with, or any questions that indicate that you are back in your old role. Keep it light and play it cool. Once a relationship has reached this point, for every step you take towards him - he will take two backwards. Let him come after you.

Good luck

 

[OUpearlgirl]

Thank you again ladies. This is just really hard. I have gotten barely any sleep and I just feel like a weepy mess. He called me last night to discuss more of what it actually means. We will still talk, just not a million times a day. I do not know if that means once a day, or what. He also said he won''t leave me in limbo for a long period of time. Two weeks max. He just needs a cooling off period and to focus on school/jobs. It sounds silly, but we are still in a "facebook relationship." He said we don''t need everyone freaking out and asking if we are broken up, because we are not. He said he knows other couples that have gone through something similar and ended up being stronger. He said he wants to be with me for the long haul, and would like this to be sorted out before he graduates and moves away. I still have a year of school left after him.

I go from feeling like this is just a hurdle we will get over to feeling like this is just an excruciatingly long break up. All of his friends say he has been whipped by me since day one. Maybe he feels like he has lost part of himself and part of his freedom?


I am trying to focus on me and making myself feel better. All I do is cry right now, but this also happened less than 24 hours ago. Thanks again for the advice.

I hate knowing he is interviewing today and I start a new job today, and the one person I will want to talk to the most is the one I can''t. My mom said any time I feel like talking to him, I should call her. That has helped a lot.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Just wanted to say I hope it works out for you!

 

[fieryred33143]

Life isn’t perfect. You’re going to find yourself with moments of complete chaos and disparity and in moments like that you need to be able to turn to your loved ones for emotional support. And instead of doing that, he’s pushing you away. What’s going to happen in the future when he hits yet another rough patch in his life (because more will come, such is life)? The two of you need to sit down and talk this out. Talk about your issues, talk about what’s making it feel off. You take breaks from work, school, stress…but not from each other.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

OU, your last update was heartwrenching to read.

I know you must be devasted. And prehaps my advice to you was geared more towards the blunt truth, and less sympathetic.

OU, first and foremost, I am so sorry you're hurting. I, myself, have spent many nights in my younger years heartbroken and sobbing myself asleep. There is nothing worse. The reality of it is hurt, hurts. And I've always found that its harder at night...maybe because you're finally alone and your "in place" support system (your friends) have all retired to bed...and all thats left is you and your thoughts. And to add insult to injury, he used to be there...so you're feeling the emptiness and seeing the emptiness and theres nothing you can do to fix it. But, all the while, it also has a way of making you stronger and wiser, you also learn a lot of truths, like you won't die without him.

I would strongly suggest not talking on the phone. While it may soothe you for a while, the minute you hang up the hurt most of the time only gets worse. You need to spend this "break" really taking a break. Allowing yourself to heal and face the issues of your relationship head on. This is your chance to center yourself and pull the pieces together. Talking may give you false hope. If in the end he decides to move on with his life without you, you will not only feel lead on--but also hurt all over again...where as if you look at this "break" like the first steps out the door, if it does end, you'll be stronger and better prepared to move forward. And, if he decides to come back...you'll be a better version of yourself, because you'll know you can survive without him--ergo, potentially, ending your clinging and neediness.

Also, I would run to the local bookstore and buy "It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken" by Greg Brenheart (sp? on his last name). When my most serious relationship ended, I leaned on the book to help me thru...and it really did. Greg spins real life situations in a way that is perfectly relatable...and also, spot on. Plus, it's from a guys prespective...so that helps too. You could maybe read the book when you feel that nagging sensation to call him...if nothing else, it's a good read, and another thing to take your mind of "Him".

In the end, you need to know you're strong enough to face whatever happens from here. That's the bottom line. The only way out of pain is traveling thru it...and while you're in the middles, thats where it's the thickest. Continue to keep yourself so busy you can't think...and find peace knowing you have your PS families unending support!

Good luck and Big Hugs!!

ETA: If after everything, you decide you still want to be with this man...it's important to remember, men want what they can't have. I'm not suggesting you "play games" but rather "play the game". If he feels you're overwhelming, underwhelm him. If he feels you're clinging, detach youself from his pant leg. If he feels you're super needy, put your needs first. Find out who you are during this break...what your interests are outside of him (often times women DO lose themselves in relationships) and when/if you two reconcile don't forget the lessons you learn. Make time for yourself and your hobbies outside of him...exclusively you time. Be unavailable.

When you first met him, and the attraction first "hit"...you were you. You had your place, your things, your friends, your interests. Those are things this man fell in love with. Prehaps you've spent to much time "blending". Return to you, and I bet his interest returns 10 fold as well.

 

[monarch64]

I just wanted to say I"m sorry you''re going through this, OUpeargirl. I hope everything works out for you.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

Words cannot express how much you have all helped me. I haven''t cried since about 6 this morning, so I guess that is good!! Haha those of you who told me I was being strong and clear headed surprised me. I guess right now I just feel weak and my brain feels very muddy.

A very good friend of mine has been talking to both of us and thinks this is a really great thing. She thinks it will turn out well.

Since I have no control of the turnout of this right now, I am trying not to do the "what if" game. Life will go on with or without him.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 10/14/2008 10:45:58 AM
Author: OUpeargirl
Words cannot express how much you have all helped me. I haven''t cried since about 6 this morning, so I guess that is good!! Haha those of you who told me I was being strong and clear headed surprised me. I guess right now I just feel weak and my brain feels very muddy.

A very good friend of mine has been talking to both of us and thinks this is a really great thing. She thinks it will turn out well.

Since I have no control of the turnout of this right now, I am trying not to do the ''what if'' game. Life will go on with or without him.

This is so, so true. it sounds like you''re already starting to feel a little stronger.

For me, break = I want space, but don''t want to lose you completely. I''m a big fan of the break UP, not the break. That being said, it sounds like you are committed to seeing what happens over the next couple of weeks--two weeks isn''t so bad, anyway, and hopefully it will give you both all of the answers you need.

I know it still feels fresh, but I would really use this time for YOU as well--while he''s busy exploring if you are what he wants, you should most certainly do the same. You need to focus 100% on what YOU want--I always think that this is a great time to start getting more involved in things you may have put on the back burner. Are there any classes you want to take (cooking, some sort of latin dancing?)? Maybe volunteer at a shelter? Or even just take a nice long weekend for yourself to hike or pamper yourself? Just try to keep your chin up and use this time to YOUR advantage.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

I am sorry you are having to endure this, but many times things like this can be a good thing...what ever the outcome.

Try and have a nice day, focus on you.

 

[bee*]

I''m sorry to hear that Oupear. I hope that things will work out. You are strong and will get through this whichever way it works out.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Hi,

Sorry about your situation

I''ve been through it too. My dh and I were together since high school and he asked for a break while we were in our early 20s. I''m not sure how long we seperated, but eventually we did get back together.

My suggestion to you is to work on your OWN life. Use this time as an opportunity to focus on career, hobbies, keeping in touch with friends, and enjoying yourself. If you''re feeling "insecure," then it''s time to rebuild your own self esteem and work on reviving your life.

 

[elrohwen]

Something like this happened to me near the end of college. Our relationship had been off for a ltitle while, we were both job searching and stressed about that, so we broke up with the promise to keep talking and hang out during the summer when we would be in the same city. Well, after about a month I really couldn''t see myself getting back together with him anymore and within two months I had found someone else. We stopped talking all the time (we were long distance, so our main contact was talking online) because I was hanging out with friends and the new guy I was seeing. Turns out ex-bf got upset and felt that I ditched him (despite the fact that he broke up with me in the first place) and seemed to really want to maintain contact. I realized I had completely outgrown him and was much much happier without him. And that guy I started dating during that time? We''re engaged

So hang in there; I know it''s tough. I think things will work out for the best, whether that means you get back together for good or you stay apart for good. It''ll turn out ok in the end. Good luck.