She didn''t like the ring. Would you be offended?

[iheartscience]

Date: 5/6/2009 5:37:32 PM
Author: gemnick
It is a false economy to buy a less expensive stone if she doesn''t like it. It doesn''t matter how much of a ''bargain'' it is.

Kinda surprised at some of the mean-spirited comments on PS re: the fiancee. Give her a break ... a little compassion for a difficult time ...

Ditto on both points.

 

[canuk-gal]

Date: 5/6/2009 10:01:37 AM
Author: cdogstu99
Wow, i didn''t expect to elicit such a response. I can tell you that everyone here has provided such great feedback for me (from both sides of the argument) and it really is kind of therapeutic.

HI:

Wow--you have had a lot to deal with--and yet returned to this thread. I admire your fortitude. You''ll find something that works for you both!

cheers--Sharon

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 5/6/2009 4:44:23 PM
Author: risingsun

Date: 5/6/2009 1:11:23 AM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 5/6/2009 12:51:55 AM
Author: Gypsy

Date: 5/6/2009 12:47:20 AM
Author: purrfectpear
I''m going to have to agree with your FI. Clearly you didn''t know her that well.

Because you thought you were getting engaged to a woman who put the sentiment first and the ring second.
Sadly, as it turns out, she was all about the diamond and the ring.

For that, you have my sympathy.

It''s not as though you presented some mall ring with frozen monkey spit. I took a good look at your GOG diamond at 40x. I think the ladies here need to realize that we aren''t talking about some giant honking carbon spot

. Assuming I was still willing to marry someone like your FI, I would be sorely tempted to go to Tiffany''s and purchase the smallest solitaire possible. She could lump it and sleep with the blue box as far as I would be concerned.

Lord, you and Danny are like peas in a pod PP. And no the alliteration wasn''t intentional. Could people please stop telling this man that the woman he loves is not worthy of being loved because she didn''t love the ring. If it''s just a ring, it''s just that A RING. So why is she shallow for having a problem with the ring, but he''s on a pedestal just because he picked one out?

PP you''re posts are really judgemental and downright rude sometimes. How do you know she''s all about the ring? Do you know her? OBVIOUSLY he loves her, and yet... there you and Danny go trashing this woman, who has no ability to defend herself.

We''re only hearing his side. What part of that are the two of you missing?

Of course she put the ring before his feelings, otherwise she wouldn''t have made the man feel like crap. He will decide for himself if she''s worthy of love. I just posted how I would feel about it (which IS what he asked). You feel differently. Fine. Is there some reason why you INSIST that everyone has to see it as you do? There are 3 people on this thread who don''t. Big deal. Of course I''m only hearing his side. Do you think she''s going to say ''I loved it, he made it all up''? She said she thought his e-ring was an insult. It doesn''t take a lot of interpretation to see that she was all about her and not thinking of him at all.

Maybe you were mentioned because you have been increasingly critical and judgmental of others on a number of threads. We get that you are an independent woman in need of help from no one. Great! Go live your life according to your stated values. Despite all of the drama you have created in your head, it appears that the couple are on the way to working this out. Are you saying that women shouldn''t have opinions about their rings--and, God forbid, discuss them with their partners. A difference of opinion over rings means the entire relationship should be questioned? I believe you enjoy your own arrogance, don''t you?

Marian, I don''t see where there was any question that you''re attempting to answer?

In the mean time, this thread is not about me in spite of your strange effort to make it so

 

[Ali]

Stay on topic.

 

[Sharon101]

I would be very dissapointed if I was expecting a Tiffany, and was promiced even better as a reason to forgo my preference, but was presented with a diamond with a visible mark on the table. It woul;d be a shock considering that I had discussed my preferences and was assured that the ring would be even better than what I wanted.

I wouldnt be as shocked or dissappointed if my guy told me that I was not going to get Tiffany or even a clean stone. At least then i would be expecting a stone that was not eye clean and would not have it in my mind that it was going to be perfect. (sarcasm here).


I think the issue here is that we all have different tollerances for a non eye clean stone. There is a reason that almost every post refers to the SI stone that is `eye clean of course` or that you have to ask the vendor if a particular stone is eye clean etc.

About a year ago my husband brought home a really amazing stone, over 3 carats, D, very white and sparkly, but it had a carbon spot right in the table. Try as we could to look beyond the spot (which made the stone affordable to us), it was just too `there`. And the worst thing in our opinion is to have a defect in the stone that is easily identifiable to others. So, if the dot would have been on the side, we would have bought it as you can prong it. But a carbon dot in the middle is a really obvious `cheap` thing in the world of diamonds. Mind you, my dh didnt diss the diamond because it reflects a meaning to me, its just that he (as a jeweller) didnt want to spend $ on a diamond that presented so easily as being flawed. We try to buy a diamond with more hidden flaws to better stretch the budget.

So even for a non T. wanting gal, I would be dissappointed with a really obvious mark that I would feel embarrest about infront of family and friends.

The best advice here on this thread is to get your gal involved. Its not until you have to juggle the 4 c`s yourself that you understand what you would really want. Then if it still ends up being a T. then so be it.

Its a clever guy who knows that the secret to his being happy is to make sure his wife is happy. Of course it works both ways, but its amazing how true this is.

 

[phoenixgirl]

Now that she is involved in looking for a new stone, have you asked her what she thinks about an SI1? Tiffany doesn''t carry them, and if she''s clarity conscious then she might prefer VS2 as her cut-off even knowing she might have to sacrifice color or size to get it.

Otherwise, it looks like a dreamy stone, and I''m sure they wouldn''t have recommended anything that wouldn''t be eye-clean knowing your situation.

 

[arjunajane]

Date: 5/6/2009 5:22:39 PM
Author: about2begin
Doesn''t GOG''s phone message advertise ''cash for gold'' parties? If they have anything like this in-store, I''d avoid bringing her in. I think cash-for-gold is the polar opposite of Tiffany & Co., no?


Some people may not care, but I think this lady just might.


I feel that ladies (who haven''t seen PS) evaluate diamonds in this order: Clear?; Big?; White?; Sparkly? -- I''d say though, that not eye-clean would mean not high quality to most women who aren''t up to speed on H&A or don''t feel attached to a PS vendor.


Hope everything works out. If worst comes to worst, you can use the 75% buy-back at GOG, right?

This is a very disingenuous way to present GOG - that is just one small side of their business
that they are promoting in this economy, it doesn''t mean their store will be a smelly old pawn shop

From what I know, they are a very respectable establishment - I don''t see how anyone should be ''embarrassed" to take their Fi there as you implied.

And actually, he can take advantage of the 100% upgrade policy

 

[tigian]

Date: 5/6/2009 9:21:48 PM
Author: Sharon101
I would be very dissapointed if I was expecting a Tiffany, and was promiced even better as a reason to forgo my preference, but was presented with a diamond with a visible mark on the table. It woul;d be a shock considering that I had discussed my preferences and was assured that the ring would be even better than what I wanted.


I wouldnt be as shocked or dissappointed if my guy told me that I was not going to get Tiffany or even a clean stone. At least then i would be expecting a stone that was not eye clean and would not have it in my mind that it was going to be perfect. (sarcasm here).



I think the issue here is that we all have different tollerances for a non eye clean stone. There is a reason that almost every post refers to the SI stone that is `eye clean of course` or that you have to ask the vendor if a particular stone is eye clean etc.


About a year ago my husband brought home a really amazing stone, over 3 carats, D, very white and sparkly, but it had a carbon spot right in the table. Try as we could to look beyond the spot (which made the stone affordable to us), it was just too `there`. And the worst thing in our opinion is to have a defect in the stone that is easily identifiable to others. So, if the dot would have been on the side, we would have bought it as you can prong it. But a carbon dot in the middle is a really obvious `cheap` thing in the world of diamonds. Mind you, my dh didnt diss the diamond because it reflects a meaning to me, its just that he (as a jeweller) didnt want to spend $ on a diamond that presented so easily as being flawed. We try to buy a diamond with more hidden flaws to better stretch the budget.


So even for a non T. wanting gal, I would be dissappointed with a really obvious mark that I would feel embarrest about infront of family and friends.


The best advice here on this thread is to get your gal involved. Its not until you have to juggle the 4 c`s yourself that you understand what you would really want. Then if it still ends up being a T. then so be it.


Its a clever guy who knows that the secret to his being happy is to make sure his wife is happy. Of course it works both ways, but its amazing how true this is.

Absolutely!

 

[Sharon101]

Sort of on this topic is the ring that Brad Pit designed and made up for his first wife Jennifer. Now, let it be said that I would never diss anything that came from Brad Pit.....but.......you have to see this ring to really get a feel for how off track a guy can get when he just goes with his own desires. Apparantly Brad thought up this ring all on his own

, it is one of a kind (for a reason) and Brad loves and has a strong interest in arcitecture....(

). So anyway, the ring ends up being a round brilliant with what looks like a snail trail of diamonds running all the way around it many times. Its a really fugly ring, but I can just imagine all the fun that Brad had designing it and going over the deatails with the jeweller. No doubt it was a fun project for Brad, and in Jennifers defence she did wear it.

Anyway, I have a feeling that Angelina would have put the brakes on that happening in her watch.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 5/6/2009 10:22:49 PM
Author: Sharon101
Sort of on this topic is the ring that Brad Pit designed and made up for his first wife Jennifer. Now, let it be said that I would never diss anything that came from Brad Pit.....but.......you have to see this ring to really get a feel for how off track a guy can get when he just goes with his own desires. Apparantly Brad thought up this ring all on his own

, it is one of a kind (for a reason) and Brad loves and has a strong interest in arcitecture....(

). So anyway, the ring ends up being a round brilliant with what looks like a snail trail of diamonds running all the way around it many times. Its a really fugly ring, but I can just imagine all the fun that Brad had designing it and going over the deatails with the jeweller. No doubt it was a fun project for Brad, and in Jennifers defence she did wear it.

Anyway, I have a feeling that Angelina would have put the brakes on that happening in her watch.

Ok that''s too funny but sooo true.

 

[soycoffee]

I kinda like Jennifer''s ring from Brad, lol. It could be seen as fugly, but it''s kinda cool, too....oh me oh my!

 

[Sharon101]

Date: 5/6/2009 10:32:46 PM
Author: soycoffee
I kinda like Jennifer''s ring from Brad, lol. It could be seen as fugly, but it''s kinda cool, too....oh me oh my!

I didnt mean to offend anyone taht might of liked it!!!!

But, lets just say that there were alot of knockoff`s of Jenifers hair.....but i dont know anyone that ever knocked off her ring!!!!!

And remember, Brad had an unlimmited budget, which makes it just that little bit more of a `what was he thinking (smoking) when he decided to do this type thing?

I always found it ammusing to visualise how into the design he was, sort of like not seeing the forest for the trees. And I have no doubt that he really enjoyed thinking of himself as a designer!!!!!

 

[risingsun]

Date: 5/6/2009 8:29:02 PM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 5/6/2009 4:44:23 PM
Author: risingsun

Date: 5/6/2009 1:11:23 AM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 5/6/2009 12:51:55 AM
Author: Gypsy

Date: 5/6/2009 12:47:20 AM
Author: purrfectpear
I''m going to have to agree with your FI. Clearly you didn''t know her that well.

Because you thought you were getting engaged to a woman who put the sentiment first and the ring second.
Sadly, as it turns out, she was all about the diamond and the ring.

For that, you have my sympathy.

It''s not as though you presented some mall ring with frozen monkey spit. I took a good look at your GOG diamond at 40x. I think the ladies here need to realize that we aren''t talking about some giant honking carbon spot

. Assuming I was still willing to marry someone like your FI, I would be sorely tempted to go to Tiffany''s and purchase the smallest solitaire possible. She could lump it and sleep with the blue box as far as I would be concerned.

Lord, you and Danny are like peas in a pod PP. And no the alliteration wasn''t intentional. Could people please stop telling this man that the woman he loves is not worthy of being loved because she didn''t love the ring. If it''s just a ring, it''s just that A RING. So why is she shallow for having a problem with the ring, but he''s on a pedestal just because he picked one out?

PP you''re posts are really judgemental and downright rude sometimes. How do you know she''s all about the ring? Do you know her? OBVIOUSLY he loves her, and yet... there you and Danny go trashing this woman, who has no ability to defend herself.

We''re only hearing his side. What part of that are the two of you missing?

Of course she put the ring before his feelings, otherwise she wouldn''t have made the man feel like crap. He will decide for himself if she''s worthy of love. I just posted how I would feel about it (which IS what he asked). You feel differently. Fine. Is there some reason why you INSIST that everyone has to see it as you do? There are 3 people on this thread who don''t. Big deal. Of course I''m only hearing his side. Do you think she''s going to say ''I loved it, he made it all up''? She said she thought his e-ring was an insult. It doesn''t take a lot of interpretation to see that she was all about her and not thinking of him at all.

Maybe you were mentioned because you have been increasingly critical and judgmental of others on a number of threads. We get that you are an independent woman in need of help from no one. Great! Go live your life according to your stated values. Despite all of the drama you have created in your head, it appears that the couple are on the way to working this out. Are you saying that women shouldn''t have opinions about their rings--and, God forbid, discuss them with their partners. A difference of opinion over rings means the entire relationship should be questioned? I believe you enjoy your own arrogance, don''t you?

Marian, I don''t see where there was any question that you''re attempting to answer?

In the mean time, this thread is not about me in spite of your strange effort to make it so

I directed my comments to you after you responded to Gypsy. I thought I was quite clear. I think that women, including the OP''s fiance, have the right to discuss their feelings about their rings. You turned it into an indictment of their entire relationship. I think that was a rather bizarre interpretation of the situation

I called you on it. By the time I entered the thread, the OP and his fiance appeared to be working out their differences. Couples can do that. If you post an opinion, don''t pretend to be surprised if someone takes exception.

 

[b.anna]

aww, cdog that is a terrible story, definitely a worst nightmare situation for a lot of guys!

i haven't gotten a chance to read all these posts, but im not liking all these comments about asian women. being asian myself (chinese) with a non-asian FF, we've been able to compromise just fine. my diamond is not perfect - it's not a huge diamond (not even 1ct) but it's something that is within FF budget and something I know he is getting me because he loves me so much (he could care less for rings, doesn't even really want a wedding band when we get married).

i'm not saying i'm like all asians, or all asian women should be like me. but times have changed! traditional asians were all materialistic because they tend to like to show off, but in modern times i hope we've moved past that. seriously, so what if the diamond is perfect? what if the fiance is a total dingdong? and money can never buy love. maybe happiness for those materialists

it sounds like your girlfriend is upset, and i'm not saying that that's wrong, but the way she executed it was TOTALLY wrong! she had very very very little disregard for what you HAD gotten her, how much effort you put into it, and the fact that you felt ready to be engaged and proposed to her. i think it's so disrespectful that she started looking at other rings! there are many ways a woman can tell her fiance she is not happy with the ring, but the way she did it seemed out of line. and irrational. and ethnicity for something like this should never be a good excuse. behavior like that is inexcusable. maybe you can ask her if there's anything she does like about what you got her and work from there. slowly compromise and meet somewhere inbetween that you can afford and that she'll be happy with. my FF and i were lucky enough to communicate well enough to the point where we agreed where to meet before getting the ring. and like many people who responded to this thread, taking her along is never a bad thing (and that IS something i will support as an asian woman). i don't think it's unreasonable for you to tell her, calmly, how much work you put into it, and how much it means to you that she be able to compromise and communicate about the ring. there's no winner or loser, or one person who's right and one who's wrong.

ladies, we should all be conscious about our man's budget and his pride! it's not easy for a guy to do all this research go shopping buy the ring plan proposal propose and be happy when girlfriend is not happy with the ring.

 

[Phoenix]

The posts I wrote about Asians'' preference for higher colours, higher clarities are obviously generalisations and of course they may not apply to *all* Asians, only to *many* (or even most, I don''t know which). Just what I observe and have been told by my mom and sisters etc; and they also come from my being Asian myself, having lived in Asia for several decades and also hanging out with other Asians even when I was living in the UK.

Of course there are exceptions. There are Asians who buy lower colours, lower clarities, myself included. Even those with money may prefer warmer colour or some inclusions for example because the warmth appeals to them or the inclusions act as kind of "birthmarks" or identification marks to their stones. Some Asians I''m sure couldn''t care less abt any of this and some I suspect might even actually prefer a smaller diamond for example (haven''t met any myself but I''m sure there are some out there).

The Asian preference could be the OP''s FI''s preference, it might not be. Who knows?!

I would suggest that the OP sit down and talk to his FI, as several other posters have suggested. It''s all very well asking a bunch of strangers on the internet what we think, but in the end you have to please listen to what she''d like, discuss it with her and see what you can BOTH agree on.

Good luck.

 

[enfianced]

I think this thread should serve as a good reason why guys should get their gals involved in all aspects of e-ring selection. I know Cdog did this to an extent, but sometimes it''s just easier to have her pick it out and then make the timing of the proposal a surprise. I love the sentimental idea of picking out a ring with no one knowing, popping the question, etc, etc, but in my own experience I know SEVERAL women who weren''t consulted on their e-ring and are unhappy. AT THE VERY LEAST, consult her best friend, as her to be your mole, find out exactly what she wants and have the friend accompany you. Make sure that this said friend is honest (and Asian? in this case) and isn''t afraid to give a great opinion based on her friend''s preferences.

My wedding set is the ONLY thing I wear, day after day, that never changes. I change my style, my hair, my makeup, my shoes, etc, but that ring is always on and always the same, and I think that gals MUST MUST MUST love what they''re wearing. For my e-ring, I was very involved in the diamond selection, but not the setting selection and when I received it and began inspecting it, I realized that I hated it (it was crooked and somewhat fugly) so I wore it for about 6 mos and finally confronted my now-DH and told him what I thought and that I wanted a reset...he wasn''t thrilled, but open to the idea. Now that it''s all done, he''s really happy I did it.

Cdog, be the awesome fiance that we all suspect you to be, show her the options, kill her with kindness and give her what she wants. She''ll remember that, and you''ll both be better off for it in the end.

 

[bee*]

Date: 5/6/2009 11:55:46 AM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 5/6/2009 11:29:27 AM

Author: Phoenix

Date: 5/6/2009 11:18:11 AM

Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 5/6/2009 4:12:42 AM

Author: bee*

I would be upset too if she didn''t like the ring that I had put a lot of work into picking, but ultimately I would get her what she likes (budget providing). It sounds like she did want a Tiffany ring and the whole ''do what you feel is right'' thing probably meant get a tiffany ring. I would be another that wouldn''t want a visible inclusion on the table so I would try and get another diamond or if you can return it all, see would she prefer a smaller tiffany ring or a larger non-brand.

i can see this coming now...after he exchanges for a smaller Tiff ring she probably be piss about the smaller size compared to the current ring. sooo...this story ain''t gonna end til she gets her 1.25 ct Tiff ring.

I also agree with DF. If your budget permits, I''d suggest that you buy her that Tiff ring, again with better clarity.


On the colour side, do make sure that she''s ok with I colour too if that''s what you''re going to for, and if your budget allows you to do so. The Asian thing doesn''t just apply to better clarity, it also applies to colour. Asians in general prefer D-E-F, IF to VVS. Very few Asians I know go for less, particularly when it comes to engagement rings. Asian parents do, unfortunately, equate the value of the engagement ring to the love or the life the man is prepared to give to their girl. Not saying that that''s right or wrong, just stating facts here.


(Just FYI, I''m somewhat a bit of an exception, I''d like to go for bigger bang for my buck, if truth were to be known. But if money weren''t an issue, I''d *only* buy higher colour higher clarity stones).


On the size issue, I think it''s just what *many* women would like, regardless of their race or origin, IMHO.


ETA: on the size thing, if your budget doesn''t allow you to buy her the 1.25ct and she''d still like a Tiffany, I''d suggest you sit down and talk it through with her. I''m sure that she''d be happy to know that you''re trying yr best to get her what she''d like given what you can afford.

how much does a D IF 1.25 ct Tiff go for nowadays.

ooh I''d say a lot!

 

[bee*]

Date: 5/6/2009 4:49:17 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 5/6/2009 4:31:48 PM

Author: doodle

Date: 5/6/2009 8:28:33 AM

Author: Ellen


cdog, I''m really sorry about all this. I can''t say anything new, but I would recommend sitting down when you''re both calm and discussing things. As bee said, I think ''do what you feel is right'' translated to, ''I really want the Tiffany ring but don''t want to say so again''. You just need more time to learn ''women speak''.

I hope everything turns out well for you.

BAHHHHH!!!! No offense to you, Ellen, but the ''women speak'' notion always makes me crazy, and I''m not just talking about this particular situation, but always. As if relationships aren''t confusing enough, why are we entitled to speak a different language just because we have more estrogen!?!? If I want something specific from my husband, I say, ''DH, I would like ___'' and if he asks me if he could substitute say a different and in his opinion better ring for the Tiffany''s that I told him I wanted, if it means that much to me, I SHOULD TELL HIM. IMO, if you beat around the bush and drop hints and say ''whatever you think is best'' when you mean ''give me what i want or else'', you''re playing with fire and you deserve to get burned. The OP wouldn''t be in this position in the first place had his GF said directly, ''I really want a Tiffany ring, and I won''t be happy with anything else.'' Okay, I''m done ranting now. Again, no offense, Ellen, and I totally get what you were saying. It just bugs me that there are some women out there who use this kind of communication then hold it against the guy when he did exactly what the woman said. To me, it''s flat out dishonest.

I''m actually not like this, but realize many other women are. Many don''t know how to be direct. It is in their make up, imho, to a certain degree. Sorry it drives you crazy. Don''t shoot the messenger!

I know a lot of women like that too-it drives me mad as I''m quite open with how I''m feeling with D. I really do think though that his gf was hoping for a Tiffanys all along as "do what you feel is right" so sounds to me like she was hoping for that T ring.

 

[Sharon101]

Date: 5/7/2009 5:58:14 AM
Author: bee*

Date: 5/6/2009 4:49:17 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 5/6/2009 4:31:48 PM

Author: doodle

Date: 5/6/2009 8:28:33 AM

Author: Ellen


cdog, I''m really sorry about all this. I can''t say anything new, but I would recommend sitting down when you''re both calm and discussing things. As bee said, I think ''do what you feel is right'' translated to, ''I really want the Tiffany ring but don''t want to say so again''. You just need more time to learn ''women speak''.

I hope everything turns out well for you.

BAHHHHH!!!! No offense to you, Ellen, but the ''women speak'' notion always makes me crazy, and I''m not just talking about this particular situation, but always. As if relationships aren''t confusing enough, why are we entitled to speak a different language just because we have more estrogen!?!? If I want something specific from my husband, I say, ''DH, I would like ___'' and if he asks me if he could substitute say a different and in his opinion better ring for the Tiffany''s that I told him I wanted, if it means that much to me, I SHOULD TELL HIM. IMO, if you beat around the bush and drop hints and say ''whatever you think is best'' when you mean ''give me what i want or else'', you''re playing with fire and you deserve to get burned. The OP wouldn''t be in this position in the first place had his GF said directly, ''I really want a Tiffany ring, and I won''t be happy with anything else.'' Okay, I''m done ranting now. Again, no offense, Ellen, and I totally get what you were saying. It just bugs me that there are some women out there who use this kind of communication then hold it against the guy when he did exactly what the woman said. To me, it''s flat out dishonest.

I''m actually not like this, but realize many other women are. Many don''t know how to be direct. It is in their make up, imho, to a certain degree. Sorry it drives you crazy. Don''t shoot the messenger!

I know a lot of women like that too-it drives me mad as I''m quite open with how I''m feeling with D. I really do think though that his gf was hoping for a Tiffanys all along as ''do what you feel is right'' so sounds to me like she was hoping for that T ring.

Just want to point out that the OP`s recollection of what she said and what she actually said may be very different. I mean, the story was presented in a way that clearly showed the OP to be the saint here. He may have embellished a few details to prove his `case`. I personally noticed a few too many `she sort of said.....xyz` and I know what that usually means because I have 3 kids who often use `sort of` in their defence.

For all we know the very act of her not being happy was enough to make the OP upset with her. She may have only said a few words softly and gently, but to the OP they had the effect of a huge shout.

And she may have been persistent with her preferences, but the OP took it upon himself to second guess her actual request.

I wouldnt jump to any conclusions let alone get all judgemental about someone whos side you know nothing about.

 

[doodle]

Sharon, I see your point, but my commenting on how that style of communication bothered me wasn''t directed specifically at the OP''s FI (although I did use their situation as an example, and you''re right that I shouldn''t assume complete truth of the OP''s version as it is one-sided, so assuming that she wasn''t direct enough could be unfair!). My intent was to comment in general based on the remarks made by some about understanding women speak. Personally, I speak English and really bad Spanish; my gender isn''t a language, and it doesn''t make me entitled to use it as an excuse for dropping hints rather than stating what I want. My point was that it''s no surprise that there are so often issues of communication between men and women in general when many women expect men to read between the lines rather than go on what they actually said. I had no intention of sounding judgmental of the OP''s FI, and if it sounded like I was, I apologize to the OP. I wasn''t a fly on the wall, so I can''t nor do I pretend to make any judgments about cdog OR his FI.

So cdog, what''s up with you guys? Status update?

 

[cdogstu99]

Date: 5/7/2009 12:00:39 AM
Author: b.anna
aww, cdog that is a terrible story, definitely a worst nightmare situation for a lot of guys!


i haven''t gotten a chance to read all these posts, but im not liking all these comments about asian women. being asian myself (chinese) with a non-asian FF, we''ve been able to compromise just fine. my diamond is not perfect - it''s not a huge diamond (not even 1ct) but it''s something that is within FF budget and something I know he is getting me because he loves me so much (he could care less for rings, doesn''t even really want a wedding band when we get married).


i''m not saying i''m like all asians, or all asian women should be like me. but times have changed! traditional asians were all materialistic because they tend to like to show off, but in modern times i hope we''ve moved past that. seriously, so what if the diamond is perfect? what if the fiance is a total dingdong? and money can never buy love. maybe happiness for those materialists


it sounds like your girlfriend is upset, and i''m not saying that that''s wrong, but the way she executed it was TOTALLY wrong! she had very very very little disregard for what you HAD gotten her, how much effort you put into it, and the fact that you felt ready to be engaged and proposed to her. i think it''s so disrespectful that she started looking at other rings! there are many ways a woman can tell her fiance she is not happy with the ring, but the way she did it seemed out of line. and irrational. and ethnicity for something like this should never be a good excuse. behavior like that is inexcusable. maybe you can ask her if there''s anything she does like about what you got her and work from there. slowly compromise and meet somewhere inbetween that you can afford and that she''ll be happy with. my FF and i were lucky enough to communicate well enough to the point where we agreed where to meet before getting the ring. and like many people who responded to this thread, taking her along is never a bad thing (and that IS something i will support as an asian woman). i don''t think it''s unreasonable for you to tell her, calmly, how much work you put into it, and how much it means to you that she be able to compromise and communicate about the ring. there''s no winner or loser, or one person who''s right and one who''s wrong.


ladies, we should all be conscious about our man''s budget and his pride! it''s not easy for a guy to do all this research go shopping buy the ring plan proposal propose and be happy when girlfriend is not happy with the ring.

b.anna...yeah, it crushed me. i don''t think it should be an excuse either.

 

[cdogstu99]

Date: 5/7/2009 3:03:53 AM
Author: enfianced
I think this thread should serve as a good reason why guys should get their gals involved in all aspects of e-ring selection. I know Cdog did this to an extent, but sometimes it's just easier to have her pick it out and then make the timing of the proposal a surprise. I love the sentimental idea of picking out a ring with no one knowing, popping the question, etc, etc, but in my own experience I know SEVERAL women who weren't consulted on their e-ring and are unhappy. AT THE VERY LEAST, consult her best friend, as her to be your mole, find out exactly what she wants and have the friend accompany you. Make sure that this said friend is honest (and Asian? in this case) and isn't afraid to give a great opinion based on her friend's preferences.

Funny thing is, i did consult with her friend (who is asian) and they actually went ring shopping together. She told me a lot of details of what she liked. And i believe they were trying on rings at some of the mall stores, (ie Kays). I found out that she wanted a round solitaire and from other facts i got, i determined the Flame would be a perfect setting.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 5/7/2009 6:47:10 AM
Author: Sharon101

Date: 5/7/2009 5:58:14 AM
Author: bee*

Date: 5/6/2009 4:49:17 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 5/6/2009 4:31:48 PM

Author: doodle

Date: 5/6/2009 8:28:33 AM

Author: Ellen


cdog, I'm really sorry about all this. I can't say anything new, but I would recommend sitting down when you're both calm and discussing things. As bee said, I think 'do what you feel is right' translated to, 'I really want the Tiffany ring but don't want to say so again'. You just need more time to learn 'women speak'.

I hope everything turns out well for you.

BAHHHHH!!!! No offense to you, Ellen, but the 'women speak' notion always makes me crazy, and I'm not just talking about this particular situation, but always. As if relationships aren't confusing enough, why are we entitled to speak a different language just because we have more estrogen!?!? If I want something specific from my husband, I say, 'DH, I would like ___' and if he asks me if he could substitute say a different and in his opinion better ring for the Tiffany's that I told him I wanted, if it means that much to me, I SHOULD TELL HIM. IMO, if you beat around the bush and drop hints and say 'whatever you think is best' when you mean 'give me what i want or else', you're playing with fire and you deserve to get burned. The OP wouldn't be in this position in the first place had his GF said directly, 'I really want a Tiffany ring, and I won't be happy with anything else.' Okay, I'm done ranting now. Again, no offense, Ellen, and I totally get what you were saying. It just bugs me that there are some women out there who use this kind of communication then hold it against the guy when he did exactly what the woman said. To me, it's flat out dishonest.

I'm actually not like this, but realize many other women are. Many don't know how to be direct. It is in their make up, imho, to a certain degree. Sorry it drives you crazy. Don't shoot the messenger!

I know a lot of women like that too-it drives me mad as I'm quite open with how I'm feeling with D. I really do think though that his gf was hoping for a Tiffanys all along as 'do what you feel is right' so sounds to me like she was hoping for that T ring.

Just want to point out that the OP`s recollection of what she said and what she actually said may be very different. I mean, the story was presented in a way that clearly showed the OP to be the saint here. He may have embellished a few details to prove his `case`. I personally noticed a few too many `she sort of said.....xyz` and I know what that usually means because I have 3 kids who often use `sort of` in their defence.

For all we know the very act of her not being happy was enough to make the OP upset with her. She may have only said a few words softly and gently, but to the OP they had the effect of a huge shout.

And she may have been persistent with her preferences, but the OP took it upon himself to second guess her actual request.

I wouldnt jump to any conclusions let alone get all judgemental about someone whos side you know nothing about.

Sharon, I think you may be missing our/the point here. While doodle, bee and I said we are direct, we understand not all women are. My post agreed with bee's, that what she said, and what she may have meant, might have been two different things. And that her fiance might have missed understanding what she really wanted. I don't think we were, or had any intentions of, getting "all judgemental" about her.

If you'd like to address posts that actually DID get all judgemental of her, there are some real doozies to pick from.

 

[limonade]

Dude, sorry to hear what happened. Hopefully, you both will be able to laugh about it in 20 years.

Personally, my radar goes haywire when I hear my GF say "... but you do what you want.", but I learned that the hard way.
Your story made me rethink the whole thing though... Maybe I should put a credit card in the box and propose with that

.
I''ll ask my CC company if they can make a card shaped like a ring. I can imagine the De Beers commercial, A Diamond and your wife''s ability to remember are forever...

 

[cdogstu99]

Date: 5/7/2009 6:47:10 AM
Author: Sharon101

Date: 5/7/2009 5:58:14 AM

Author: bee*

Date: 5/6/2009 4:49:17 PM

Author: Ellen

Date: 5/6/2009 4:31:48 PM


Author: doodle

Date: 5/6/2009 8:28:33 AM


Author: Ellen



cdog, I''m really sorry about all this. I can''t say anything new, but I would recommend sitting down when you''re both calm and discussing things. As bee said, I think ''do what you feel is right'' translated to, ''I really want the Tiffany ring but don''t want to say so again''. You just need more time to learn ''women speak''.

I hope everything turns out well for you.

BAHHHHH!!!! No offense to you, Ellen, but the ''women speak'' notion always makes me crazy, and I''m not just talking about this particular situation, but always. As if relationships aren''t confusing enough, why are we entitled to speak a different language just because we have more estrogen!?!? If I want something specific from my husband, I say, ''DH, I would like ___'' and if he asks me if he could substitute say a different and in his opinion better ring for the Tiffany''s that I told him I wanted, if it means that much to me, I SHOULD TELL HIM. IMO, if you beat around the bush and drop hints and say ''whatever you think is best'' when you mean ''give me what i want or else'', you''re playing with fire and you deserve to get burned. The OP wouldn''t be in this position in the first place had his GF said directly, ''I really want a Tiffany ring, and I won''t be happy with anything else.'' Okay, I''m done ranting now. Again, no offense, Ellen, and I totally get what you were saying. It just bugs me that there are some women out there who use this kind of communication then hold it against the guy when he did exactly what the woman said. To me, it''s flat out dishonest.

I''m actually not like this, but realize many other women are. Many don''t know how to be direct. It is in their make up, imho, to a certain degree. Sorry it drives you crazy. Don''t shoot the messenger!

I know a lot of women like that too-it drives me mad as I''m quite open with how I''m feeling with D. I really do think though that his gf was hoping for a Tiffanys all along as ''do what you feel is right'' so sounds to me like she was hoping for that T ring.

Just want to point out that the OP`s recollection of what she said and what she actually said may be very different. I mean, the story was presented in a way that clearly showed the OP to be the saint here. He may have embellished a few details to prove his `case`. I personally noticed a few too many `she sort of said.....xyz` and I know what that usually means because I have 3 kids who often use `sort of` in their defence.


For all we know the very act of her not being happy was enough to make the OP upset with her. She may have only said a few words softly and gently, but to the OP they had the effect of a huge shout.


And she may have been persistent with her preferences, but the OP took it upon himself to second guess her actual request.


I wouldnt jump to any conclusions let alone get all judgemental about someone whos side you know nothing about.

So let me just give you the exact timeline of everything to be perfectly clear. I started looking nearly a year ago. One of her friends was about to get married and was out looking for rings, so she went with her. This is when i got a list of different rings from her from Tiffany. I passively started a search and enlisted the help of her friend (who is asian). She mentioned that she would probably love tiffany''s but that she wasn''t sure if i should spend all that money. We discussed other options and she said that she would like something simple with the stone set not too high on the ring. So, i looked and looked and read on pricescope and visited the local jeweler''s building, and spoke to probably 15 different dealers. Just take a look at my posts on here and you''ll see all the work that i had done to try and find her a ring. This past valentine''s day i kind of gave her a hint of what i was doing. I actually spilled the beans that i had been looking and had done a LOT of research. I told her i went to Tiffany''s and looked at some rings. For what i had seen and the prices they were asking i wasn''t convinced it was worth it, and told her this. She AGREED With me. I told her she could have a bigger, nicer, better colored stone in a beautiful custom setting in comparison from something you would get at Tiffany''s in which you are paying a major premium for the brand name. She told me that she trusted me, that i have good taste and that it didn''t have to be from Tiffany''s. That''s when i decided that Mark Morrell/GOG would be the way to go. I had GOG send me the stone to review first. When i first got it, i was very impressed with the stone and wowed at how much it sparkled. But i did notice the inclusion; it''s not huge, but if you know it''s there you can see it. But i thought that for such a beautiful diamond, it would be acceptable.

 

[cdogstu99]

Date: 5/7/2009 7:48:29 AM
Author: doodle
Sharon, I see your point, but my commenting on how that style of communication bothered me wasn''t directed specifically at the OP''s FI (although I did use their situation as an example, and you''re right that I shouldn''t assume complete truth of the OP''s version as it is one-sided, so assuming that she wasn''t direct enough could be unfair!). My intent was to comment in general based on the remarks made by some about understanding women speak. Personally, I speak English and really bad Spanish; my gender isn''t a language, and it doesn''t make me entitled to use it as an excuse for dropping hints rather than stating what I want. My point was that it''s no surprise that there are so often issues of communication between men and women in general when many women expect men to read between the lines rather than go on what they actually said. I had no intention of sounding judgmental of the OP''s FI, and if it sounded like I was, I apologize to the OP. I wasn''t a fly on the wall, so I can''t nor do I pretend to make any judgments about cdog OR his FI.


So cdog, what''s up with you guys? Status update?

I showed her this: http://www.goodoldgold.com/diamond/5250.

And i also showed her this thread (which might have been a mistake); she then mentioned that diamond was too small and that she wants a VS1 (because of what she read here likely).

 

[cdogstu99]

Date: 5/7/2009 8:11:43 AM
Author: limonade
Dude, sorry to hear what happened. Hopefully, you both will be able to laugh about it in 20 years.


Personally, my radar goes haywire when I hear my GF say ''... but you do what you want.'', but I learned that the hard way.

Your story made me rethink the whole thing though... Maybe I should put a credit card in the box and propose with that

.

I''ll ask my CC company if they can make a card shaped like a ring. I can imagine the De Beers commercial, A Diamond and your wife''s ability to remember are forever...

HAHA...that''s hilarious. Hope it all goes well; i wouldn''t with this upon my worst enemy.

 

[cdogstu99]

Date: 5/7/2009 8:11:43 AM
Author: limonade
Dude, sorry to hear what happened. Hopefully, you both will be able to laugh about it in 20 years.


Personally, my radar goes haywire when I hear my GF say ''... but you do what you want.'', but I learned that the hard way.

Your story made me rethink the whole thing though... Maybe I should put a credit card in the box and propose with that

.

I''ll ask my CC company if they can make a card shaped like a ring. I can imagine the De Beers commercial, A Diamond and your wife''s ability to remember are forever...

HAHA...that''s hilarious. Hope it all goes well; i wouldn''t wish this upon my worst enemy.

 

[iluvcarats]

Date: 5/7/2009 8:22:11 AM
Author: cdogstu99

Date: 5/7/2009 8:11:43 AM

Author: limonade

Dude, sorry to hear what happened. Hopefully, you both will be able to laugh about it in 20 years.



Personally, my radar goes haywire when I hear my GF say ''... but you do what you want.'', but I learned that the hard way.


Your story made me rethink the whole thing though... Maybe I should put a credit card in the box and propose with that

.


I''ll ask my CC company if they can make a card shaped like a ring. I can imagine the De Beers commercial, A Diamond and your wife''s ability to remember are forever...

HAHA...that''s hilarious. Hope it all goes well; i wouldn''t with this upon my worst enemy.

You actually might be on to a good idea here. There is a credit card co that lets you put your own picture on the card. I think it would be very cute to propose with one that has an engagement ring on it. You can set the limit to your budget. I think that the girl who wants to pick it out herself would like this, it is thoughtful, and everyone gets their element of surprise. Very modern! Maybe it is the new proposal for the 21st century

 

[Sharon101]

Date: 5/7/2009 7:48:29 AM
Author: doodle
Sharon, I see your point, but my commenting on how that style of communication bothered me wasn''t directed specifically at the OP''s FI (although I did use their situation as an example, and you''re right that I shouldn''t assume complete truth of the OP''s version as it is one-sided, so assuming that she wasn''t direct enough could be unfair!). My intent was to comment in general based on the remarks made by some about understanding women speak. Personally, I speak English and really bad Spanish; my gender isn''t a language, and it doesn''t make me entitled to use it as an excuse for dropping hints rather than stating what I want. My point was that it''s no surprise that there are so often issues of communication between men and women in general when many women expect men to read between the lines rather than go on what they actually said. I had no intention of sounding judgmental of the OP''s FI, and if it sounded like I was, I apologize to the OP. I wasn''t a fly on the wall, so I can''t nor do I pretend to make any judgments about cdog OR his FI.

So cdog, what''s up with you guys? Status update?

Hey Doodle, thats cool. And you`re right about people who drop hints rather than be direct. However, sometimes we all spend so much time talking and thinking about our next thought that we dont actually listen to what is being said. I know that I am sometimes really bad at listening and consintrating and as a consequence I am often guilty of remembering details and instructions incorrectly.

Anyway, my Mum is queen of the hints. She was lately upset that she was left out of the family photos at a grandchilds bday party by my brother. She was really offended and fuming that she wasnt called to come in whilst they did the cake even though the other grandparents just pushed in. So she tells me the next day that she really let my brother know that she was upset in a very strong way. Really Mum, I asked her, what did you say to him? And Mum tells me in a very knowing voice....`I asked him if he got some good photos at the party`......and I asked, well what did Dan say? So she tells me....`he said...I hope so`. The funny thing is that she is convinced that he will really think about this and realise that she is angry that she wasnt in the photos. I wasnt so sure myself.....but Mum said, your brother is not stupid, he will know exactly what I mean.


As I said, no one hints more than my Mum. But when you do really know someone, you can read them like a book even if they dont say a word. And sure enough, the next party saw my SIL ask my Mum to be in a photo.