Caring for the elderly.

[mrssalvo]

Ellen, I''m so sorry. we experience that with my grandmother a few years ago. Literally hundreds of thousands of dollars gone to medical expenses and care basically in the last 3 years of her life. she lived until she was 93, but the final 3 years are what took it''s toll. we were grateful she did have the money to cover all of care but there was basically nothing left once she passed. it''s just awful to feel so helpless to stop it and yet knowing when someone needs more care than you can provide them yourself. big hugs to you, my mom will be 60 next year and although she''s hopefully a long way off to needing care, it''s something that is in the back of my mind.

 

[Ellen]

Thanksmrss.

You know, if the money would last JUST as long as she does, I'd be thrilled. I just have a feeling, she's going to outlast IT. But, I suppose I shouldn't borrow trouble, and take each day at a time...But that's hard to do, I find myself fretting already, and she's not even IN some place yet.

But, I also have a good suspician that after her nuerologist appt. the beginning of Dec., that may change quickly. I wrote out my notes on moms forgetfulness over the last two years, just the big red flags, and sent them over so they could see things in black and white. The office gal called to talk to me, and changed her appt. to one a bit sooner than they originally gave me. But again, we'll see.

I think part of my problem too, as I've said before is, this is all falling on me, again. And it's frustrating. *sigh*



I hope your mom ages well, and you don't even have to worry about this. Some really do get lucky...

 

[Skippy123]

Ah Ellen, that is super tough. I worry about that stuff too! My parents are in their 70's and they are well now but I do remember my great aunt did not have any kids so my parents had to look for a retirement home for her. My mom took care of her for a little while but it was too hard. Big hug Ellen; you are such a kind and dear soul; crossing my fingers that you find something nice for her.

I too am shocked at how expensive those places can be. I called around to help my mom and I was in shock at the cost!

 

[Ellen]

Date: 10/31/2007 2:32:27 PM
Author: Skippy123
Ah Ellen, that is super tough. I worry about that stuff too! My parents are in their 70's and they are well now but I do remember my great aunt did not have any kids so my parents had to look for a retirement home for her. My mom took care of her for a little while but it was too hard. Big hug Ellen; you are such a kind and dear soul; crossing my fingers that you find something nice for her.

I too am shocked at how expensive those places can be. I called around to help my mom and I was in shock at the cost!

It's sinful really.

I need to find out how to get ahold of the place being built...or, maybe I should check on places where my brother lives.

Thank you toots.

 

[justjulia]

Feeling for you here. Choosing a facility is a daunting task.
There''s always some kind of drama going on.

My mother insists on dr''s appts and then cancels them or goes and leaves before seeing the dr. Complains about friends not visiting. Complains about the food. I know it is all a tool for communicating, but it is so hard to deal with when you''ve already put in a full day somewhere else.
Just last night she was very hard on me telling me she really needed to see Dr so n so. I had to gently remind her that she had made the appt last week, and gone, only to change her mind once there after filling out the paperwork (her way of punishing them)--then had cancelled the appt again day before yesterday because she was too tired. Her forgetfullness is becoming a big issue. She''s like her own worst enemy.

Yes, take it one day at a time. Ask friends to help you decide where. Once you have her in, then there should be a host of people on board to help even more. Our facility isn''t fancy, but well run, kind, and has staff for transportation, medical, housekeeping... and hospice handles bathing and some medical and a social worker to handle the counseling issues. It is still very expensive. My brother and I agree to roles that we play--i.e., he pays a lot of it and I do all the errands, dr visits, logistics.

The place I chose came down to where my best friend''s mother was for six years. I went and asked questions in a "interview."

You know Ellen that familiarity breeds contempt. Your mother is saving it up for you.

Hugs

 

[Ellen]

julia, I''ve spent forever trying to type out a lengthy response, but my computer is possessed tonight. Sometimes it does these strange things, that I''m too tired to even explain now. lol I''ll try tomorrow.

It IS Halloween....

 

[Ellen]

lol "saving up for me", yes.....

I swear, sometimes you write things about your mom, and I think it''s mine.


Her latest was deciding to change something in her will, only, she didn''t want to pay for it because it was expensive to begin with. She was adamant not to pay (and this is a prime example of not thinking rationally. She''ll pay hundreds for vitamins, but not 100.00 for a will change, oy), and finally decided to do a TOD account with her broker instead, because it was free. To make a realllly long story short, this dragged on for days, with me telling her I didn''t care what she did, but she HAD to at least check with the lawyer to make sure the TOD over rode the will, as the change was a BIGGY (also against my better judgement, but, her call). So she finally called and asked her brokers asst. if she should add the codicil. They called me back to say yes, better safe than sorry. When I called and told her the broker agreed she should add the codicil, she said, I thought we were going to do that?!

So, we went through all that for nothing....


And as I mentioned before, she''s a health nut, always ordering supplements in the mail. I told hubby it was getting out of hand (just yesterday I took her some new thing that came in the mail, only to figure out it would cost $30 a WEEK to take, but even she realized that''s nuts), and I didn''t know what to do because I wasn''t ready to take her credit card away. He made a good suggestion, just return to sender without opening. So I can do that (and she''ll probably forget she ordered it), but again, just unecessary stuff....


Oh well, it is what it is. Thanks for listening mam, it''s nice just to commiserate.

 

[Lorelei]

Ellen, I am sending you more hugs, I well know how hard it is.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 11/1/2007 1:09:46 PM
Author: Lorelei
Ellen, I am sending you more hugs, I well know how hard it is.

Thanks you.

You hang in there yourself...

 

[justjulia]

Date: 11/1/2007 9:39:11 AM
Author: Ellen
lol ''saving up for me'', yes.....

I swear, sometimes you write things about your mom, and I think it''s mine.


Her latest was deciding to change something in her will, only, she didn''t want to pay for it because it was expensive to begin with. She was adamant not to pay (and this is a prime example of not thinking rationally. She''ll pay hundreds for vitamins, but not 100.00 for a will change, oy), and finally decided to do a TOD account with her broker instead, because it was free. To make a realllly long story short, this dragged on for days, with me telling her I didn''t care what she did, but she HAD to at least check with the lawyer to make sure the TOD over rode the will, as the change was a BIGGY (also against my better judgement, but, her call). So she finally called and asked her brokers asst. if she should add the codicil. They called me back to say yes, better safe than sorry. When I called and told her the broker agreed she should add the codicil, she said, I thought we were going to do that?!

So, we went through all that for nothing....


And as I mentioned before, she''s a health nut, always ordering supplements in the mail. I told hubby it was getting out of hand (just yesterday I took her some new thing that came in the mail, only to figure out it would cost $30 a WEEK to take, but even she realized that''s nuts), and I didn''t know what to do because I wasn''t ready to take her credit card away. He made a good suggestion, just return to sender without opening. So I can do that (and she''ll probably forget she ordered it), but again, just unecessary stuff....


Oh well, it is what it is. Thanks for listening mam, it''s nice just to commiserate.

OMG Ellen, are you sure we don''t share mothers? Separated at birth? Ack.
I JUST went through almost the exact will thing 2 days ago. Okay, scenerio: brother comes to town, meets with lawyer to make updates to will which sets up trusts for grandkids, lawyer vists me with will to take to her to sign but before must call mom to see if she agrees, she gets angry with lawyer since she cannot remember fully what brother and she have discussed and refuses to sign. Paranoid knee jerk reaction. Lawyer leaves my office. Mom calls back to apologize. I''m still in shock.
Tomorrow I take her for a pt scan to see how the lungs are doing. She''s lost about 11 lbs since July. I''m worried.

I don''t know what I''d do about the credit card situation. Your husband sounds very wise. Where does your mother hear about these offers for vitamins? Please don''t take this wrong, but I think about this a lot: "Isn''t it too late to shut the barn door?" All the vitamins in the world won''t make a difference. It''s like my mother and her Caltrate. Yet, she smokes and smokes with a quarter of her lung capacity.

All you can do is send the things back. What if you hid her card? Kind of like how people hide car keys? I know that sounds drastic, but maybe she''ll just have short spells of every now and then asking if you''ve seen her card. What if she buys into something that is financially devasting or irreversible?

 

[Ellen]

Date: 11/1/2007 6:58:28 PM
Author: justjulia
OMG Ellen, are you sure we don''t share mothers? Separated at birth? Ack.
I JUST went through almost the exact will thing 2 days ago. Okay, scenerio: brother comes to town, meets with lawyer to make updates to will which sets up trusts for grandkids, lawyer vists me with will to take to her to sign but before must call mom to see if she agrees, she gets angry with lawyer since she cannot remember fully what brother and she have discussed and refuses to sign. Paranoid knee jerk reaction. Lawyer leaves my office. Mom calls back to apologize. I''m still in shock.
Tomorrow I take her for a pt scan to see how the lungs are doing. She''s lost about 11 lbs since July. I''m worried.

I don''t know what I''d do about the credit card situation. Your husband sounds very wise. Where does your mother hear about these offers for vitamins? Please don''t take this wrong, but I think about this a lot: ''Isn''t it too late to shut the barn door?'' All the vitamins in the world won''t make a difference. It''s like my mother and her Caltrate. Yet, she smokes and smokes with a quarter of her lung capacity.

All you can do is send the things back. What if you hid her card? Kind of like how people hide car keys? I know that sounds drastic, but maybe she''ll just have short spells of every now and then asking if you''ve seen her card. What if she buys into something that is financially devasting or irreversible?

lol Told ya.

About the credit card, she does need it for some things, although the real "emergencies" are rare. I have her checkbook, but she can also get cash with a generic withdrawl slip. I really don''t think she''d buy into anything bad, she still has some money sense left. I am biding my time, (and really, waiting to see what her nuerologist says) before I start getting heavy handed with her. But trust me, I''ll know when it''s time, and I won''t be affraid to do it, my gut just tells me it''s not quite time yet. We''ll see. I''m going to call my brother shortly and see what he thinks. Although, we don''t think alike, and I''m much more practical. Not sure what good that will do. lol

TELL me about the vitamins. I told her not that long ago, that she''d been at this for 40+ years and I had yet to hear her say ANYTHING made her feel better, and that she was searching for the "holy grail" of health supplements. Of course, she just laughed, like I was a dumb little kid saying something stupid. What''s stupid is wasting the tens of thousands of dollars she''s spent on this stuff....

I am sorry to hear about your mom. Let me know what you find out. I''m hear to listen, anytime.

 

[justjulia]

Date: 11/1/2007 7:31:41 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 11/1/2007 6:58:28 PM
Author: justjulia
OMG Ellen, are you sure we don''t share mothers? Separated at birth? Ack.
I JUST went through almost the exact will thing 2 days ago. Okay, scenerio: brother comes to town, meets with lawyer to make updates to will which sets up trusts for grandkids, lawyer vists me with will to take to her to sign but before must call mom to see if she agrees, she gets angry with lawyer since she cannot remember fully what brother and she have discussed and refuses to sign. Paranoid knee jerk reaction. Lawyer leaves my office. Mom calls back to apologize. I''m still in shock.
Tomorrow I take her for a pt scan to see how the lungs are doing. She''s lost about 11 lbs since July. I''m worried.

I don''t know what I''d do about the credit card situation. Your husband sounds very wise. Where does your mother hear about these offers for vitamins? Please don''t take this wrong, but I think about this a lot: ''Isn''t it too late to shut the barn door?'' All the vitamins in the world won''t make a difference. It''s like my mother and her Caltrate. Yet, she smokes and smokes with a quarter of her lung capacity.

All you can do is send the things back. What if you hid her card? Kind of like how people hide car keys? I know that sounds drastic, but maybe she''ll just have short spells of every now and then asking if you''ve seen her card. What if she buys into something that is financially devasting or irreversible?

lol Told ya.

About the credit card, she does need it for some things, although the real ''emergencies'' are rare. I have her checkbook, but she can also get cash with a generic withdrawl slip. I really don''t think she''d buy into anything bad, she still has some money sense left. I am biding my time, (and really, waiting to see what her nuerologist says) before I start getting heavy handed with her. But trust me, I''ll know when it''s time, and I won''t be affraid to do it, my gut just tells me it''s not quite time yet. We''ll see. I''m going to call my brother shortly and see what he thinks. Although, we don''t think alike, and I''m much more practical. Not sure what good that will do. lol

TELL me about the vitamins. I told her not that long ago, that she''d been at this for 40+ years and I had yet to hear her say ANYTHING made her feel better, and that she was searching for the ''holy grail'' of health supplements. Of course, she just laughed, like I was a dumb little kid saying something stupid. What''s stupid is wasting the tens of thousands of dollars she''s spent on this stuff....

I am sorry to hear about your mom. Let me know what you find out. I''m hear to listen, anytime.

Thanks.
Then let your gut instincts guide you. You seem to have a handle on it. And let the neurologist be the messenger.
Can''t you just see us like this in yrs to come? Oh God, now I am depressed. I''m just gonna keep eatin'' those Oreos and enjoying a good laugh when I can find one. Maybe that''s the secret to a long, cognitively intact, life.

 

[Jypsie]

This is a fantastic post!! My mother and I are facing a situation with my grandmother and grandfather. My grandmother has Parkinson''s disease, congestive heart failure, degenerative disc and joint disease as well as a few other ailments. My grandfather has suffered two major strokes and a few small ones and he is paralyzed on his right side. My mother and I live in California in the bay area and my grandparents (until this coming Sunday) lived in Maryland. It has been a real struggle for all of us trying to get them help. No one in the family lived near them and my mother, who does not work outside of the home, was flying out there every 3-4 weeks and staying for a 6-8 week period of time. It finally got to the point where they had to sell their home.

As stubborn as they were, they decided to purchase a place in an independent living facility in the same area of Maryland. Unfortunately, within 6 days of moving out of the house and into the new place my grandmother developed a blood clot in her abdomen and was hospitalized for a week. My grandfather, being diabetic, having horrible eyesight, and a slew of other problems, was unable to care for himself. So, the day she was admitted my mother, again, hopped on a plane and flew to Maryland. She''s been there ever since and will be coming home on Sunday with grandma and grandpa.

We have decided what we are going to do is try to find a large home that''s big enough for all of us - we''re hoping for something where we all have 2 bedrooms and our own bathrooms - no sharing space and everyone will have privacy. This way my grandparents will not be in a nursing home facility, their medical assistants can come to the home for the in between care, my mother and I will be accessible to them - her when I''m at work and me when she needs to run errands after my work.

I know I am really struggling with some of the difficulty and issues that are coming up already - my grandfather does not want to relocate and he is quite stubborn. But my grandmother, who has seen her parkinson''s disease progress very quickly with the stress of my grandfather''s conditions worsening, is completely relieved and incredibly excited about the change and the move.

I''m hoping that this will all work out for the best for everyone. i love my grandparents very much - I grew up in their home when my mother and father split up. It''s really difficult right now, as I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that they will not live forever - yes, yes, I''m almost 36 and this is just now something that I''m starting to grasp - it''s very difficult to see my grandfather not want the help that he needs. To watch him go through the depressions of his paralysis and strokes - and to see him not want to do something to better his quality of life. My grandmother, on the other hand, absolutely loves life - her ailments mean absolutely nothing to hear. She smiles and laughs so easily, she''s just the way she has always been - occasionally she just sees things that aren''t there (hallucinations due to medications) and when she realizes it, we even laugh about that together.

So, i''m looking forward to reading how others cope, what others are experiencing, and hopefully what''s already been posted and what will be posted in the future will help us, and perhaps my experiences can help someone else. I''ll keep you posted.

Thanks for starting this thread!!

 

[justjulia]

Date: 11/2/2007 4:37:26 PM
Author: Jypsie
This is a fantastic post!! My mother and I are facing a situation with my grandmother and grandfather. My grandmother has Parkinson''s disease, congestive heart failure, degenerative disc and joint disease as well as a few other ailments. My grandfather has suffered two major strokes and a few small ones and he is paralyzed on his right side. My mother and I live in California in the bay area and my grandparents (until this coming Sunday) lived in Maryland. It has been a real struggle for all of us trying to get them help. No one in the family lived near them and my mother, who does not work outside of the home, was flying out there every 3-4 weeks and staying for a 6-8 week period of time. It finally got to the point where they had to sell their home.

As stubborn as they were, they decided to purchase a place in an independent living facility in the same area of Maryland. Unfortunately, within 6 days of moving out of the house and into the new place my grandmother developed a blood clot in her abdomen and was hospitalized for a week. My grandfather, being diabetic, having horrible eyesight, and a slew of other problems, was unable to care for himself. So, the day she was admitted my mother, again, hopped on a plane and flew to Maryland. She''s been there ever since and will be coming home on Sunday with grandma and grandpa.

We have decided what we are going to do is try to find a large home that''s big enough for all of us - we''re hoping for something where we all have 2 bedrooms and our own bathrooms - no sharing space and everyone will have privacy. This way my grandparents will not be in a nursing home facility, their medical assistants can come to the home for the in between care, my mother and I will be accessible to them - her when I''m at work and me when she needs to run errands after my work.

I know I am really struggling with some of the difficulty and issues that are coming up already - my grandfather does not want to relocate and he is quite stubborn. But my grandmother, who has seen her parkinson''s disease progress very quickly with the stress of my grandfather''s conditions worsening, is completely relieved and incredibly excited about the change and the move.

I''m hoping that this will all work out for the best for everyone. i love my grandparents very much - I grew up in their home when my mother and father split up. It''s really difficult right now, as I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that they will not live forever - yes, yes, I''m almost 36 and this is just now something that I''m starting to grasp - it''s very difficult to see my grandfather not want the help that he needs. To watch him go through the depressions of his paralysis and strokes - and to see him not want to do something to better his quality of life. My grandmother, on the other hand, absolutely loves life - her ailments mean absolutely nothing to hear. She smiles and laughs so easily, she''s just the way she has always been - occasionally she just sees things that aren''t there (hallucinations due to medications) and when she realizes it, we even laugh about that together.

So, i''m looking forward to reading how others cope, what others are experiencing, and hopefully what''s already been posted and what will be posted in the future will help us, and perhaps my experiences can help someone else. I''ll keep you posted.

Thanks for starting this thread!!

Yes, Ellen is a godsend.
Jypsie, I hope things go smoothly this weekend. Don''t beat yourselves up if things don''t go as you think they will or should. This is definitely a process. Things have a way of working out...one way or another.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 11/1/2007 7:54:01 PM
Author: justjulia
Thanks.
Then let your gut instincts guide you. You seem to have a handle on it. And let the neurologist be the messenger.
Can''t you just see us like this in yrs to come? Oh God, now I am depressed. I''m just gonna keep eatin'' those Oreos and enjoying a good laugh when I can find one. Maybe that''s the secret to a long, cognitively intact, life.

I tend to take after my dad, I''m hoping it continues into old age, for then I have a fighting chance.

But the Oreo''s can''t hurt just in case.

 

[Ellen]

Jypsie, I''m glad you found the thread. I hope it can help, if for no other reason than to be some place to vent.

You two will no doubt need help, and not just with medical checks and stuff. Make sure you find someone else who can relieve the two of you together at times. You need that mother/daughter time, and just a plain break. It''s taxing (although, for your dear mother, this may actually seem like a break in a way).

As for realizing they won''t be here forever, I''m sure it''s tough. I must say, you are so lucky to still have them. I had lost all but my step-grandmother by the time I was 15, so to have made it this far with them still here is a real blessing. What an opportunity to really spend quality time with them, and to savor these last years. Take advantage!


I applaud you and your mom. This is a huge gesture, and one that isn''t taken lightly. I really hope it works out, and grandpa comes around.

We''re here, anytime.


And Julia is too kind, I''m only here to help, and be helped.

 

[Kaleigh]

Ellen,
Sending you big hugs, this is tough. One of my best friends lost her Mom the other day. Total shock. Her Dad has been sick for some time. My friend, drives a long distance to take care of her parents every day. Her Mom dying, just sent her for a loop. Grief is beyond what I can write. We are all going to pitch in and help with his care, until they find a facility here. But she isn''t able to think of that yet.

I have been in your shoes, and know how hard it is. Hang in there!!

 

[Ellen]

Aw, I''m sorry to hear that Kaleigh. I really feel for her.... So tough to deal with.

What a good friend you are to help her out. Bless you.

And thank you for the encouraging words, they are truly appreciated.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Ellen, I feel for you, I really do. My father is currently in a nursing home and my aunt, who I was very close to because she never married and had kids, went to one after having a stroke and died a year or two ago. My mother seems to not feel well a lot, but she still has her mind. Well, except for the fact that she just went off and bought a new Toyota Highlander when her old car only had about 40,000 miles on it! Just remind me when I am 78 that I don''t need a new car, ''kay?

 

[Ellen]

Date: 11/2/2007 10:01:00 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
Ellen, I feel for you, I really do. My father is currently in a nursing home and my aunt, who I was very close to because she never married and had kids, went to one after having a stroke and died a year or two ago. My mother seems to not feel well a lot, but she still has her mind. Well, except for the fact that she just went off and bought a new Toyota Highlander when her old car only had about 40,000 miles on it! Just remind me when I am 78 that I don''t need a new car, ''kay?

Ahhh, that was funny.

Will do.



Thankd ds. You hang in there as well.

 

[justjulia]

Hey, I went to a sorority lunch for my daughter last week and met a 75 yr old woman there who had just purchased a new red convertible. She appeared to be in great health and had a great since of humor. If the finances can handle it, and one is in ones right mind, I guess it''s ok. The question I would have is if there enough socked away or available in insurance to cover care in the inevitable future.

I''m in a real dilemma this week. Mom had a pt scan yesterday to see if the lung cancer has progressed. She''s been coping quite well with the Tarceva for 3 yrs, but now is losing weight rather quickly. We find out Wednesday what the status is when I go with her to the follow up appt with the oncologist. I fear if it has grown, they will recommend stopping the Tarceva, and she will get worse really quickly. This leaves me with the option of moving her to a place that is closer to my home now, but will not allow her to smoke. So, the pros of staying where she is is that she can smoke at will (outside on the veranda), but her health will continue to decline and I will need to visit more often (I go once a week now). The other option of moving her to a more skilled facility close by (which is all that is available near me) seems cruel to me since she cannot smoke, which is something she appears to enjoy. Part of me wants to go ahead and move her while she is reasonably healthy so she can tolerate the move better, but then the other part of my thinking wins over in that she will enjoy smoking up until the minute she is bedridden. I guess really I will just be on the road more often and that is the reality of it. I hope I''m not sounding selfish here. My mother and I were not what you would call close growing up-she was hopitalized frequently for schizophrenia. Anyway, I don''t mean to wallow in this, I''m just venting. I guess I''m "girdling my loins" in anticipation of what is to come. (Funny what expressions pop into one''s head at any time--I handn''t thought of that expression in a long time-heh).

No matter what a person''s temperment is, I cannot get around the feeling that I only want for her what I would want someone to do for me or what is basically "doing the right thing." Caring for someone who is verbally abusive and just all around a difficult personality is HARD. I''m not saying I am perfect, but I cry on the way home every time I visit. She can say the meanest things.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 11/3/2007 10:20:06 AM
Author: justjulia
Hey, I went to a sorority lunch for my daughter last week and met a 75 yr old woman there who had just purchased a new red convertible. She appeared to be in great health and had a great since of humor. If the finances can handle it, and one is in ones right mind, I guess it's ok. The question I would have is if there enough socked away or available in insurance to cover care in the inevitable future.

I'm in a real dilemma this week. Mom had a pt scan yesterday to see if the lung cancer has progressed. She's been coping quite well with the Tarceva for 3 yrs, but now is losing weight rather quickly. We find out Wednesday what the status is when I go with her to the follow up appt with the oncologist. I fear if it has grown, they will recommend stopping the Tarceva, and she will get worse really quickly. This leaves me with the option of moving her to a place that is closer to my home now, but will not allow her to smoke. So, the pros of staying where she is is that she can smoke at will (outside on the veranda), but her health will continue to decline and I will need to visit more often (I go once a week now). The other option of moving her to a more skilled facility close by (which is all that is available near me) seems cruel to me since she cannot smoke, which is something she appears to enjoy. Part of me wants to go ahead and move her while she is reasonably healthy so she can tolerate the move better, but then the other part of my thinking wins over in that she will enjoy smoking up until the minute she is bedridden. I guess really I will just be on the road more often and that is the reality of it. I hope I'm not sounding selfish here. My mother and I were not what you would call close growing up-she was hopitalized frequently for schizophrenia. Anyway, I don't mean to wallow in this, I'm just venting. I guess I'm 'girdling my loins' in anticipation of what is to come. (Funny what expressions pop into one's head at any time--I handn't thought of that expression in a long time-heh).

No matter what a person's temperment is, I cannot get around the feeling that I only want for her what I would want someone to do for me or what is basically 'doing the right thing.' Caring for someone who is verbally abusive and just all around a difficult personality is HARD. I'm not saying I am perfect, but I cry on the way home every time I visit. She can say the meanest things.

Aw.

Nobody's perfect. But there's a difference between being "human", and being a *fill in the blank*. julia, I say this with utmost sincerity, you need to stop taking what she says and does personally. I know it's hard, but I also know it can be done. I have done it. My mom doesn't really say "mean" things per say, but she says (and does) REALLY thoughtless, VERY hurtful things. And most of the time, I don't think she has a clue how she comes off. I often wonder HOW she could not know, and, maybe she does and I don't want to believe it. The fact of the matter is, they (our mothers) are not right, for various reasons, and it's THEIR problem, not ours. I realize we're on the receiving end, but it will only HURT us if we choose to truly receive it.

i.e. Not that long ago, mom and I were having a conversation about my older sister, who definitely has "issues", and always has. To make a long story short, in a round about way, my mom basically said she loved my sister much more than me. Now, I could have chosen to let that be a really devastating remark, (and rightly so), but what good would that do me? Fact is, that has been blatantly obvious all my life by her actions. But I have chosen to let it go. She's the one with the problem. She has the warped personality. So be it, she is what she is, but she's not gonna take me down with her. Period.

And that's how I would suggest you approach your mother. Once you decide to REALLY let it go, and see it for what it is, you'd be surprised how easy it gets to deal with. I'm not kidding. I have truly amazed myself, with things she's done/said. It's almost gotten comical, almost.

So you just come in here and vent anytime, that's why I started this thread! (And I haven't heard that expression in years! lol)



Now, as for your mom and smoking, that's tough. Because, as you said, she enjoys it, and at this point, there's probably not a lot left she does enjoy. I would ask her what she wants, depending on the results. If they do take her off it, and she wants to stay where she is, I think if it were me, I'd let her, until she became bedridden, then move. My only question would be, if you did that, would there be a bed available when she needed it?

 

[Jypsie]

Ellen, I could not agree with you more!! I love my grandparents to pieces! But, on occasion each of them can say things that really echo in my mind as horrible. Please, I know it is not easy to make the adjustment from taking it all to heart, and taking it with a grain of salt. But we all need to remember when we are in this position that the people we are caring for are in a very difficult position as well. They are giving up their independence, giving up their lifestyles, etc - and not just giving them up temporarily in many instances, they are giving these things up for the rest of their lives. I am likely going to have a few minutes here and there of complete and utter bitterness when I get to this point as well. I will likely have a tongue like a blade and not fully intend it to hurt as much as it does - I''m already known for being a smartass and for cutting with my words and having people not realize it until hours later - but only when I''m pushed beyond my limit.

I can only imagine this is not what any of our family, or us, had envisioned when we thought about our loved ones aging. Hell, in my previous post I stated that I''m just now coming to terms with the fact that grandma and grandpa won''t be with us forever - it''s weird - they have always been there, it''s just really difficult to accept that that is going to change in the coming years. I''m sure there is a part of them that is realizing their own mortality as well. I know for my grandparents - they moved to a country club area, right on the 5th hole of a golf course, near the beach, so they could enjoy all the things in retirement that they wish they had more time for during their working years. And here they are 10-15 years into retirement and unable to enjoy any of it, except by looking out a window at other people enjoying it. That has to be frustrating, and I''m certain it causes some resentment, depression, and perhaps anxiety and frustration at those that can enjoy such things - maybe not always, but on occasion.

I try desperately to let it "roll off my back" when my grandma or grandpa say something crappy that hurts, sometimes I am successful and sometimes I''m not. Sometimes I cry when I hang up the phone and sometimes I just sit and fume, then there are the conversations when we just sit and laugh and laugh - those are the times that I want to remember, because I know our time together is short.

I wish I knew how to "let it roll off my back" more often, I''d give all of us the magic formula - but I don''t. I am sorry that you are dealing with this too, the more people I speak about in our situation, the more I realize it is very common, and the more I believe what I wrote in this post - that they really don''t mean any of it, they are displaying their frustration in the only way they know how and if they knew it hurt that much they would never do it in the first place.

I''m sorry you have been hurt by what has been said in the past. Hopefully it''ll get easier. *hugs*

 

[justjulia]

Thanks, guys. I called my brother and he said she says the same things to him, and he says he just doesn''t let it get to him. I know you are right.
My brother really gets me laughing the way he retells stories about their visits.


How frustrating to have an ideal retirement set up and then not be able to enjoy it.

 

[Ellen]

Jypsie, that''s so sad your grandparents moved to that area, and can''t enjoy it now. What a shame that old age can rob us of so much....


For the record, my mom isn''t behaving this way because of her age, she''s always been like this (except for forgetting).

But I did watch my dad become really irritable/cutting as he became sicker/older. I finally sat him down and had a talk with him, explaining how his behavior made me feel, and he felt really badly for the way he had been treating me, once he realized it. It helped, at the time, but he eventually went back to being cranky.

But, I knew it was just because he was sick and didn''t feel well, it wasn''t personal. And I just let it roll off my back. Besides, I kept telling myself, who knows how I''ll be near the end....


I really, hope your grandparents adjust, this has got to be tough. Try to let things go, and cherish the good stuff. Grandparents are such special people.

And anytime you need to vent or ask questions, don''t hesitate!

 

[Ellen]

Date: 11/3/2007 2:15:38 PM
Author: justjulia
Thanks, guys. I called my brother and he said she says the same things to him, and he says he just doesn''t let it get to him. I know you are right.
My brother really gets me laughing the way he retells stories about their visits.

Well, at least she''s an equal opportunist.

 

[Jypsie]

Thanks for understanding, everyone. I try not to feel bad for their situation, because I''m certain, especially since they will be arriving here today and staying permanently, that me feeling bad FOR them will just make them feel bad for themselves, and I don''t want pity parties... I want all the happy times we can share.

Speaking of the car purchase, that made me crack up! My grandparents did something similar, though not with a car - they just purchased a HUGE condo in a retirement community that they lived in for a week... now they say to me and my mom "You two can use it, right?" ROFL! Mom''s 55, I''m 35, grandma and grandpa are 81 and 86 respectively. I really don''t know how well we''d fit in with their "in-crowd" HAHA!!

I don''t know why, but I have been wanting to ask this since I found this thread. Have any of you dealt with an elderly individual that "halucinates"? At least that''s what the doctors call it - the fact is, the people my grandma sees are family members and children who have passed away - she knows without a doubt that they are dead people. They do not speak to her, but they are always very pleasant, and she says they are just there for company.

Do you think this could be my grandma''s way of dealing with my difficult grandfather who has just gotten more difficult (and selfish) with his strokes and paralysis? My grandma is the most pleasant woman, and the more her symptoms show, the more pleasant she is becoming. She smiles and laughs about everything. She wants SO badly to move in with Steve and I - she has always loved our sense of humor and how we compliment each other (her words, not mine - but I take that as the highest compliment anyone can pay us as a couple).

Anyway, just babbling, because it''s a lazy Sunday morning, and I''ve done all the diamond bling staring I can do for one day. LOL... I have to pick everyone up at the airport this afternoon and then we''re taking them out to dinner. It''s going to be fun!

 

[justjulia]

Oh Jypise, I am so sending good vibes your way! I hope the dinner is extra special and you have a great start to the week ahead.

 

[justjulia]

Okay Ellen, here I am shamelessly bumping to say "hi!"

You got me crying, too! I really really, really do appreciate all of your kindness and sense of humor. I was telling dh about the line you wrote about jumping in the car and going out of town and we both really enjoyed a relieving laugh there.
I called mom to remind her that we were coming to see her tomorrow and she wanted to know if that was the oncologist appointment and I had to remind her that there wasn''t another visit scheduled--Ellen, she could not remember going to that appt recently! It was at that appointment that he told her that the pt scan showed that the Tarceva has stopped working and it was time to stop it. He also told her she did not need to see him again. I can''t blame her for being confused, because now officially her primary diagnosis has changed from congestive heart failure to lung cancer (hospice can provide treatment for anything not related to the primary dx)--so now she technically won''t see an oncologist, but can go to a heart specialist (which we painstakingly had to tell her we would not be doing originally when her primary dx was lung cancer-so she could continue the chemo with hospice blessing).

But I was shocked she could not remember that she had seen the oncologist. Her memory kind of goes in and out.

She said that her back was aching, and I am wondering if the cancer is there, or in the brain now. But surely the pt scan would have seen that, right? She''s losing weight--now at hovering right at 90 lbs. I just don''t know what to think. The doctor said she would make it through these holidays but probably not through next summer. That''s a big window.

Hospice has been wonderful, providing and monitoring the morphine, so she will feel like she can breathe. Everyone is great, from the nurse to the social worker to the overseeing doctor. The assisted living place is wonderful, too.

I put an ornament on my tree today of my grandmother''s, and it suddenly reminded me that we are not meant to be here forever. All the same, it was so hard putting it on there. Nothing makes a lot of sense right now.

Anyway,
how is your mom doing? How was your visit?

 

[Ellen]

Yeah, the memory thing can be somewhat disheartening. It''s just a huge clue that things are beginning to decline, and you can''t deny it.

I suppose the cancer could have spread, how long ago was the scan, I can''t remember...And has anyone said if this type moves fast? Also Julia, if you''re wanting to get a better idea of how much time you may have with her (as opposed to this fairly large window), I would ask the hospice people. They see this all the time, and may very well have a much better idea. As I said earlier in this thread, I was being told one thing by my dad''s dr., and another by the head night nurse at the nursing home, about dad and how long he might be with us. The nurse turned out to have much greater insight. She was spot on in what she told me. And I WISH I''d totally listened to her instead, as I would have spent every waking moment with my dad, since in the end there was so little time left.

Doctors certainly have their place, but they don''t spend hours upon hours, day in, day out with the sick like nurses and hospice folks do....




I can definitely relate to the memory thing myself. Mom''s has been deteriorating for a few years now, but it''s really started to escalate. I was becoming increasingly concerened, and after last night, I am actually alarmed. I noticed the minute mom walked in the door that she had her hair done differently, but didn''t think much about it, except to think that I''d never seen her wear it that way. But hey, we all change it up, no biggie. However, she got to talking about her hair later, and to make the story shorter, at one point she said, "since I''ve always parted my hair on the right" (this day it was parted on the left). Julia, she''s never, in my entire life, parted her hair on either side. It''s basically always been fairly short, parted right in the middle, but just ever so slightly in the "bang" area, and the rest was just brushed/poofed straight back on top.

Then, she said to me later, "You know how you asked me to write down things you said when you were little, well I can only remember a couple". Thing is, I never asked her that.


She seems to have slipped a lot lately, almost to the point I''m wondering if she''s maybe had some mini strokes or something. It''s just not right...Her dr. appt. can''t get here soon enough, we go Dec. 12th. Hopefully we''ll know more then.



Hang in there Julia, and thank you for updating me. And as always, I''m here whenever you want to talk/vent. {{{hugs}}}