Caring for the elderly.

[FireGoddess]

What a wonderful and heartbreaking thread at the same time. Thank you Ellen for starting this thread, and of course thank you to PS for creating such a dynamic forum.

I have to say that this is an issue that concerns me greatly - not because it''s something I have to deal with imminently I hope (my parents are in their early-mid sixties), but because I have moved so far away from them. They are on the east coast, I''m on the west coast. Not exactly conducive to taking care of them when that time comes. It scares me. I do have 2 sisters that live close to our parents and I do worry about resentment issues later on with me not being nearby. I would love to try and convince my parents to retire out here so I can be nearby to take care of them, but who knows if that will happen. Right now it''s an impossibility as my mother''s father is still alive (the man is in his nineties, God bless!) and he needs my parents to take care of him, though he lives half an hour away from them. It''s been hard on my mom as he has turned into - as Julia put it - someone requiring an exorcism. Even while my mom was undergoing chemo and all that for her advanced breast cancer he never really ''got it'' as to how sick she was, and has been. Just was POed she wasn''t delivering him meals every week and writing out his bills. He''ll literally push you out of the way in the rain so he can get to shelter first. I mean, really nice, y''know? My dad, who was never treated well by my grandfather, took on the responsibility in addition to caring for my mother. and that was quite a toll on him. My dad has had to retire early because his eyesight is failing (they think macular degeneration as well, but not sure) which has also been a toll. Facing that and my mom''s breast cancer has just been such a jolting shock to me...that they''re getting older and I''m not there. But we have roots here, including DH''s business, and it''s not feasible to move back there. And it freaks me out.

Anyway, reading all your stories my heart goes out to all of you. How hard it is. For everyone. I will be reading this thread even if I don''t have any personal experience to add.

 

[Ellen]

Thanks FG, and yes, do read. If nothing else, you may get some ideas for you and your siblings.

I''m sorry to hear about your mom, and her dad. *sigh*

And a thought, about feeling bad that you''re not near, is to send some money to help out if and when it''s needed, if you can. Katie touches on that in her article. It''s a way for one to help out, without being there, although I realize not all are in a position to do that!

 

[Sundial]

Date: 6/26/2007 7:35:41 PM
Author: justjulia

Date: 6/25/2007 10:00:25 AM
Author: Sundial
Oh Julia I''m so relieved to hear that you have found a suitable place for your mother! You cannot continue to take on so much of her daily care yourself. I will keep my fingers crossed that all of the details get worked out. These places can be very expensive and it does make you wonder how people can manage the cost of elder care. I too have found that government support is limited in these matters.

I''m tickled with this place. My mother was in love with it. I could tell right away it was going to be great. I just have a mountain of paperwork I''ve been working on today. Transferring hospices is going well, but I still need to get some clarification about the medications having to be in bubble wrap containers from the pharmacy at the assisted living facility. I have some meds only half way consumed in regular vials, and they can''t be renewed for a couple of weeks. I hope I get that sorted out tomorrow. Today it was all about talking on the phone and one visit to hospice in person. Also took mom to get a tb test-a requirement for admission. I need to coordinate going to get her bedroom furniture from her home and all the details with that. Monday is going to come fast I think. Eek. All the paperwork is due by tomorrow night. You all please pray that all goes as it should.

You got it Julia - prayers outgoing! I am so happy that you and your mom both liked the place. It is just a shame that it all involves so much paperwork!!!

 

[Sundial]

Date: 6/26/2007 7:42:19 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 6/26/2007 7:16:53 PM
Author: Sundial
Oh Ellen, Julia, and Isabel I can identify!!! I think this behavior stems from not wanting to lose their independence and they see taking advice from their daughters as really giving up their role as the one who makes the rules. I have had to come to terms with the fact that I cannot make my mother happy. I can only do the best I can and understand that she will not appreciate what I try to do for her because she is really just frustrated that she can''t have her old life back.

I do know that''s part of it Sundial, I really do. But it''s still frustrating when I''M the one dealing with her. I mean, it just seems so silly that I have to take her to a doc to have him say the SAME thing. But, I know.

I hear you Ellen. In my case my sister is the one dealing with her on a daily basis. My mother drives me crazy just talking on the phone with her so I know she makes my sister completely insane. That is why we would like to move her into an assisted living facility where she would have other company and it would give my sister more freedom, but my mother isn''t receptive to the idea just yet.

 

[KristyDarling]

Ellen, what a great idea for a thread! Caring for elders whose health is failing can be a sad, daunting task. But it can also be a great opportunity to say all the things you''ve always wanted to say, spend quality time, and demonstrate your love to the fullest. Even if the elder isn''t fully coherent or "with it," I''m willing to bet that your love and caring is radiating through to their core. People''s souls are like sponges, regardless of their physical/mental health.

My mom is only 56 (she had me super-young) but she lives in a nursing home with people who are 30 years older than her. As some of you know, she has secondary progressive MS, which is a life-span shortening disease. Her cognition now is barely there and she can''t walk or use the bathroom/bathe on her own. She''s totally dependent on a 24-hour nurse. Her decline was rapid, it was alarming and so sad/shocking to see. She used to be a firecracker, doing 10 things at once and taking care of everyone around her. Now she has to think really hard before she can recall her own kids'' names.

She''s been in a nursing home for the last 4 years. At first, we were stricken with grief about having to put her in a home, but we took heart in the fact that she would be in Asia, where respect for elders is paramount...unlike in the U.S.. On the flip side, we obviously miss being able to see her whenever we want. We do visit her twice a year. So it has been a very emotional 6-7 years and I can totally relate to what a lot of you are going through here. I call her 3 times a week and try to convey my love the best I can, through emails and calls and care packages. And when I visit, I try to show her and tell her how much I love her every chance that I can (maximizing the QT). It''s frustrating because I wish I could do more...I hate that helpless feeling. And I hate to see how incapacitated Mom has become. But it''s as they say -- it''s not about the cards you''re dealt, it''s all about what you do with those cards. I keep trying to remember that I shouldn''t stress so much over situations that are out of my control -- all I can do is my best to make sure Mom is comfortable and feeling loved.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 6/26/2007 10:28:39 PM
Author: Sundial

I hear you Ellen. In my case my sister is the one dealing with her on a daily basis. My mother drives me crazy just talking on the phone with her so I know she makes my sister completely insane. That is why we would like to move her into an assisted living facility where she would have other company and it would give my sister more freedom, but my mother isn''t receptive to the idea just yet.

Just remember, sometimes they never are. And while we want to do what makes them happy, it cannot be at the expense of someone elses entire happiness/freedom.

 

[Ellen]

KD, I had no idea about your mom, I'm so sorry. How very sad...

And how nice she's in a place where as you say, respect to elders is paramount. It's a shame that is not the case here, at least not across the board. Should my mother develop Alzheimers (which I've seen first hand in my MIL, and I feel she's most likely on that path), there is a nursing home here that my MIL stayed in. I was very pleasantly surprised to see how they did things, and took care of the patients. What struck me most was, instead of making the patients adhere to their (nursing home) schedule (which can be almost impossible for some patients), they let them have their own. If that patient is up all night and sleeps during the day, that's ok, if that is what makes them happiest. They keep a very watchful eye on them.

So I know there is a place where she'll be taken care of, with HER needs as a priority, should the day ever come.


You sound like you're doing all you can, and that's all you can do.

 

[KimberlyH]

I keep beginning a post in this thread but my words just don't seem appropriate. We lost my MIL in February after a 7 year battle with Alzheimers. She spent 6 1/2 of those 7 years at home and I was involved in her care for the last 2 years. It was one of the most challenging experiences of my life. My husband set up an office in her home so that she could live as she chose (alone) as long as possible. He/we cooked cleaned, grocery shopped, did yard work, went to MD appts., etc. At a certain point there was no other option but to place her in assisted living, one of the most difficult decisions he's ever made, I am sure. There were so many frustrating times but as I sit here and type this I am crying because I miss her so very much. And at 29, I never thought I would have lost my MIL and be dealing with all that it entails (she will never know her future grandchild/children, he/she/they will never have the opportunity to learn from such a wise, strong, fierce and funny woman...).

Thank you for starting this thread, it has caused me to reflect back on the frustrations I/he/we felt and recall the good memories (like the time she hit me with her cane for lecturing her for not appreciating her son; or that she never could remember my name...I will forever be "that girl").

My mom has been caring for her parents for 5+ years, her dad died in January and now her mom is in an assisted living facility and she feels the same frustation, sadness and sense of loss that all of you are experiencing.

My heart breaks for all of you; I empathize with each and every one of you.

 

[Ellen]

Kim, thanks for sharing. It is such a sad disease, although as you pointed out, some funny/happy memories are born out of it. I laughed picturing her wacking you with her cane.

One needs to find as much humor as they can with this, it''s just too depressing otherwise...

And I am sorry for your future children, who won''t know their gramma.

 

[justjulia]

Date: 6/26/2007 10:28:39 PM
Author: Sundial

Date: 6/26/2007 7:42:19 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 6/26/2007 7:16:53 PM
Author: Sundial
Oh Ellen, Julia, and Isabel I can identify!!! I think this behavior stems from not wanting to lose their independence and they see taking advice from their daughters as really giving up their role as the one who makes the rules. I have had to come to terms with the fact that I cannot make my mother happy. I can only do the best I can and understand that she will not appreciate what I try to do for her because she is really just frustrated that she can''t have her old life back.

I do know that''s part of it Sundial, I really do. But it''s still frustrating when I''M the one dealing with her. I mean, it just seems so silly that I have to take her to a doc to have him say the SAME thing. But, I know.

I hear you Ellen. In my case my sister is the one dealing with her on a daily basis. My mother drives me crazy just talking on the phone with her so I know she makes my sister completely insane. That is why we would like to move her into an assisted living facility where she would have other company and it would give my sister more freedom, but my mother isn''t receptive to the idea just yet.

Speaking as someone who this time last week had a mother who did not want to think about assisted living... she is completely IN LOVE with it now. It took getting her there for a no pressure tour. Once she saw the women all sitting around together outside, it all clicked. She was starved for companionship and didn''t even realize it.
I don''t know how you get someone interested in assisted living. In our case, I think we just talked gently with her little bits, when we sensed some receptiveness--but honestly, she first had to "own" the fact that she was forgetting more than usual and didn''t have a lot of privacy with our teenagers and all. I showed her the menu tonight, and it was funny how she critiqued this and that--"Oh, look how they elequently disquised the food..." "Carrot coins." I had to smile to myself.

 

[justjulia]

Date: 6/27/2007 1:04:43 AM
Author: KristyDarling
Ellen, what a great idea for a thread! Caring for elders whose health is failing can be a sad, daunting task. But it can also be a great opportunity to say all the things you''ve always wanted to say, spend quality time, and demonstrate your love to the fullest. Even if the elder isn''t fully coherent or ''with it,'' I''m willing to bet that your love and caring is radiating through to their core. People''s souls are like sponges, regardless of their physical/mental health.

My mom is only 56 (she had me super-young) but she lives in a nursing home with people who are 30 years older than her. As some of you know, she has secondary progressive MS, which is a life-span shortening disease. Her cognition now is barely there and she can''t walk or use the bathroom/bathe on her own. She''s totally dependent on a 24-hour nurse. Her decline was rapid, it was alarming and so sad/shocking to see. She used to be a firecracker, doing 10 things at once and taking care of everyone around her. Now she has to think really hard before she can recall her own kids'' names.

She''s been in a nursing home for the last 4 years. At first, we were stricken with grief about having to put her in a home, but we took heart in the fact that she would be in Asia, where respect for elders is paramount...unlike in the U.S.. On the flip side, we obviously miss being able to see her whenever we want. We do visit her twice a year. So it has been a very emotional 6-7 years and I can totally relate to what a lot of you are going through here. I call her 3 times a week and try to convey my love the best I can, through emails and calls and care packages. And when I visit, I try to show her and tell her how much I love her every chance that I can (maximizing the QT). It''s frustrating because I wish I could do more...I hate that helpless feeling. And I hate to see how incapacitated Mom has become. But it''s as they s.ay -- it''s not about the cards you''re dealt, it''s all about what you do with those cards. I keep trying to remember that I shouldn''t stress so much over situations that are out of my control -- all I can do is my best to make sure Mom is comfortable and feeling loved

Words I am learning to live by. Thank you for your beautiful post.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 6/27/2007 7:16:21 PM
Author: justjulia
Speaking as someone who this time last week had a mother who did not want to think about assisted living... she is completely IN LOVE with it now. It took getting her there for a no pressure tour. Once she saw the women all sitting around together outside, it all clicked. She was starved for companionship and didn''t even realize it.
I don''t know how you get someone interested in assisted living. In our case, I think we just talked gently with her little bits, when we sensed some receptiveness--but honestly, she first had to ''own'' the fact that she was forgetting more than usual and didn''t have a lot of privacy with our teenagers and all. I showed her the menu tonight, and it was funny how she critiqued this and that--''Oh, look how they elequently disquised the food...'' ''Carrot coins.'' I had to smile to myself.

Awww. Sounds like something my mom would say.

julia, I am just SO happy she''s happy, you''re happy, everybody''s happy!

 

[Sundial]

Kristy I am so sorry to hear that your mother has to be in a nursing home at such a young age! I know it has to be heart breaking for your family.

Julia I am so glad that your mother is excited about this new place! Maybe we just need to let my mother visit some assisted living facilities. She could really use the companionship of some women closer to her age. And Ellen you are right at some point we may have no other choice but to make the decision for her.

Kim I so sympathize with you having to cope with all the issues that face an Alzheimer's patient and their care givers. My Dad had it too and it is such a horrible thing to go through.

 

[justjulia]

Date: 6/27/2007 10:23:25 AM
Author: KimberlyH
I keep beginning a post in this thread but my words just don''t seem appropriate. We lost my MIL in February after a 7 year battle with Alzheimers. She spent 6 1/2 of those 7 years at home and I was involved in her care for the last 2 years. It was one of the most challenging experiences of my life. My husband set up an office in her home so that she could live as she chose (alone) as long as possible. He/we cooked cleaned, grocery shopped, did yard work, went to MD appts., etc. At a certain point there was no other option but to place her in assisted living, one of the most difficult decisions he''s ever made, I am sure. There were so many frustrating times but as I sit here and type this I am crying because I miss her so very much. And at 29, I never thought I would have lost my MIL and be dealing with all that it entails (she will never know her future grandchild/children, he/she/they will never have the opportunity to learn from such a wise, strong, fierce and funny woman...).

Thank you for starting this thread, it has caused me to reflect back on the frustrations I/he/we felt and recall the good memories (like the time she hit me with her cane for lecturing her for not appreciating her son; or that she never could remember my name...I will forever be ''that girl'').

My mom has been caring for her parents for 5+ years, her dad died in January and now her mom is in an assisted living facility and she feels the same frustation, sadness and sense of loss that all of you are experiencing.

My heart breaks for all of you; I empathize with each and every one of you.

Darn it, I typed a long post and then it just disappeared. My computer has a way right now of dropping wireless right in the middle of a post. I wanted to say that I think you are beyond your years in maturity and wisdom. You were an important part of your MIL''s life and you should be proud.

 

[justjulia]

Date: 6/27/2007 7:49:31 PM
Author: Sundial
Kristy I am so sorry to hear that your mother has to be in a nursing home at such a young age! I know it has to be heart breaking for your family.

Julia I am so glad that your mother is excited about this new place! Maybe we just need to let my mother visit some assisted living facilities. She could really use the companionship of some women closer to her age. And Ellen you are right at some point we may have no other choice but to make the decision for her.

Kim I so sympathize with you having to cope with all the issues that face an Alzheimer''s patient and their care givers. My Dad had it too and it is such a horrible thing to go through.

Google around for places in your town or thereabouts. As my brother put it to me, they are competing for your business so let them. Take her to see for herself and then let the facility win her over. That and/or be frank with her about how difficult it is for you and your sister and maybe she will see it as the motherly thing to do to give it consideration.

 

[KimberlyH]

Ellen, you would have laughed even harder if you had been there. She and my husband had gotten into a huge fight and I took her for a walk to give them both some cooling off time. As we were walking I said something to the effect of "you should be kind to John, he does a lot for you." In response she wacked my leg with her cane, told me I was silly and that John knew how much she appreciated him and then laughed. I, of couse had to join her, because it was just so darn funny.

Sundial, Alzheimer''s is one helluva disease. It took all that she was and left us with an empty shell. The last two weeks of her life she rebounded in amazing ways, managed to have coherent conversations, tell us how much she appreciated us and let us know that "Mama and Clara [her sister] are waiting for me. I have to go now." I agree about taking her to tour a few assisted living locations...they are a business and they do want yours, so let them sell themselves to her instead of you having to do the hard work.

justjulia, thank you so much for your kind words. I am lucky to have known her, even if only for a little while. She gave me the most amazing, caring husband and there is no way I could ever repay her for that. And in a way, her passing was a gift to my husband. Starting with his father, he had been caring for elderly sick people for 20+ years (he had to sacrifice going college at 18 to be there for his dad and then two aunts, an uncle and his mom). He''s more than earned a break. he was a bit lost for the first few months; he''s still a bit lost and probably will be for quite some time.

 

[justjulia]

Ok. I did THE dumbest thing. When I packed up all the medications to take them to the new pharmacy for packaging (the assisted living requires the pharmacy to put everything into bubble packs) today, I accidently took the morphine. It is the only med that is not in the mediplanner, which I put together to last until we move in on Monday. Doggone it, I meant to take out enough to last along with the meds I reserved in the mediplanner, for home. I called the pharmacy (on call pharmacist), and have arranged to go get it at the crack of dawn. In the meantime, we have the morphine drops, which Hospice has supplied in a comfort pack for the frige. The time it would have taken to drive back and forth would have worried mom too much. I know from experience that she would have been fine while I was gone, but I decided to go with the drops, at least temporarily to get through the night. Man, after all the work I put into getting those 22 meds packed and some dispensed into the mediplanner this morning! I''m only human!

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 6/27/2007 11:00:14 PM
Author: justjulia
Ok. I did THE dumbest thing. When I packed up all the medications to take them to the new pharmacy for packaging (the assisted living requires the pharmacy to put everything into bubble packs) today, I accidently took the morphine. It is the only med that is not in the mediplanner, which I put together to last until we move in on Monday. Doggone it, I meant to take out enough to last along with the meds I reserved in the mediplanner, for home. I called the pharmacy (on call pharmacist), and have arranged to go get it at the crack of dawn. In the meantime, we have the morphine drops, which Hospice has supplied in a comfort pack for the frige. The time it would have taken to drive back and forth would have worried mom too much. I know from experience that she would have been fine while I was gone, but I decided to go with the drops, at least temporarily to get through the night. Man, after all the work I put into getting those 22 meds packed and some dispensed into the mediplanner this morning! I''m only human!

You are human, julia, don''t beat yourself up over it! Glad you got it resolved! Deep breaths!

 

[Rock Candy]

Date: 6/27/2007 1:04:43 AM
Author: KristyDarling
Ellen, what a great idea for a thread! Caring for elders whose health is failing can be a sad, daunting task. But it can also be a great opportunity to say all the things you''ve always wanted to say, spend quality time, and demonstrate your love to the fullest. Even if the elder isn''t fully coherent or ''with it,'' I''m willing to bet that your love and caring is radiating through to their core. People''s souls are like sponges, regardless of their physical/mental health.


My mom is only 56 (she had me super-young) but she lives in a nursing home with people who are 30 years older than her. As some of you know, she has secondary progressive MS, which is a life-span shortening disease. Her cognition now is barely there and she can''t walk or use the bathroom/bathe on her own. She''s totally dependent on a 24-hour nurse. Her decline was rapid, it was alarming and so sad/shocking to see. She used to be a firecracker, doing 10 things at once and taking care of everyone around her. Now she has to think really hard before she can recall her own kids'' names.

She''s been in a nursing home for the last 4 years. At first, we were stricken with grief about having to put her in a home, but we took heart in the fact that she would be in Asia, where respect for elders is paramount...unlike in the U.S.. On the flip side, we obviously miss being able to see her whenever we want. We do visit her twice a year. So it has been a very emotional 6-7 years and I can totally relate to what a lot of you are going through here. I call her 3 times a week and try to convey my love the best I can, through emails and calls and care packages. And when I visit, I try to show her and tell her how much I love her every chance that I can (maximizing the QT). It''s frustrating because I wish I could do more...I hate that helpless feeling. And I hate to see how incapacitated Mom has become. But it''s as they say -- it''s not about the cards you''re dealt, it''s all about what you do with those cards. I keep trying to remember that I shouldn''t stress so much over situations that are out of my control -- all I can do is my best to make sure Mom is comfortable and feeling loved.

KD: How tragic, I''m so sorry. I hate that helpless feeling as well and empathize with you. {{Hugs}}

 

[Rock Candy]

Date: 6/27/2007 11:00:14 PM
Author: justjulia
Ok. I did THE dumbest thing. When I packed up all the medications to take them to the new pharmacy for packaging (the assisted living requires the pharmacy to put everything into bubble packs) today, I accidently took the morphine. It is the only med that is not in the mediplanner, which I put together to last until we move in on Monday. Doggone it, I meant to take out enough to last along with the meds I reserved in the mediplanner, for home. I called the pharmacy (on call pharmacist), and have arranged to go get it at the crack of dawn. In the meantime, we have the morphine drops, which Hospice has supplied in a comfort pack for the frige. The time it would have taken to drive back and forth would have worried mom too much. I know from experience that she would have been fine while I was gone, but I decided to go with the drops, at least temporarily to get through the night. Man, after all the work I put into getting those 22 meds packed and some dispensed into the mediplanner this morning! I''m only human!

JJ: I have been following your posts and am happy for you that your situation will soon be improving! That is VERY, VERY good news! And yes... you ARE only human and have been through so much! You''re doing a wonderful job! Glass of wine, anyone?

 

[Rock Candy]

Date: 6/27/2007 10:23:25 AM
Author: KimberlyH
I keep beginning a post in this thread but my words just don''t seem appropriate. We lost my MIL in February after a 7 year battle with Alzheimers. She spent 6 1/2 of those 7 years at home and I was involved in her care for the last 2 years. It was one of the most challenging experiences of my life. My husband set up an office in her home so that she could live as she chose (alone) as long as possible. He/we cooked cleaned, grocery shopped, did yard work, went to MD appts., etc. At a certain point there was no other option but to place her in assisted living, one of the most difficult decisions he''s ever made, I am sure. There were so many frustrating times but as I sit here and type this I am crying because I miss her so very much. And at 29, I never thought I would have lost my MIL and be dealing with all that it entails (she will never know her future grandchild/children, he/she/they will never have the opportunity to learn from such a wise, strong, fierce and funny woman...).


Thank you for starting this thread, it has caused me to reflect back on the frustrations I/he/we felt and recall the good memories (like the time she hit me with her cane for lecturing her for not appreciating her son; or that she never could remember my name...I will forever be ''that girl'').


My mom has been caring for her parents for 5+ years, her dad died in January and now her mom is in an assisted living facility and she feels the same frustation, sadness and sense of loss that all of you are experiencing.


My heart breaks for all of you; I empathize with each and every one of you.

KimberlyH: You are such a caring individual - a real sweetheart! For being only 29, you are extremely mature and wise.
{{hugs for "that girl"}}

 

[justjulia]

Thank you Kimberly and Rock Candy! Yes, I believe I will have that glass tonight. Yesterday I made several trips back and forth with even more (made sure to get latest next 30 day supply from pharmacy here) meds to new pharmacy, and set up the Oxygen details some more. Our hospice nurse had a death in her rounds and when I heard from he she was very very tired. I asked her if I could decline our usual visit, since really everything looks set for our move to the other hospice, and she seemed grateful. So, my husband is now with mom at her psychiatrist and oncologist appointments for the month (I just got in from work), and we are all going out to dinner later.

Good thing, because I haven't had time to shop for a drop of food for this house!!! What a week!!

Tomorrow I go get mom's favorite furniture pieces from her home and shop for some fun bedspread/curtain kinds of things. We move things in on Sunday.

I have an incredible sense of relief that this is going forward.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 6/29/2007 5:20:41 PM
Author: justjulia

I have an incredible sense of relief that this is going forward.

I bet. I hope the transition goes smoothly for you all julia.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 6/27/2007 1:04:43 AM
Author: KristyDarling
Ellen, what a great idea for a thread! Caring for elders whose health is failing can be a sad, daunting task. But it can also be a great opportunity to say all the things you've always wanted to say, spend quality time, and demonstrate your love to the fullest. Even if the elder isn't fully coherent or 'with it,' I'm willing to bet that your love and caring is radiating through to their core. People's souls are like sponges, regardless of their physical/mental health.

My mom is only 56 (she had me super-young) but she lives in a nursing home with people who are 30 years older than her. As some of you know, she has secondary progressive MS, which is a life-span shortening disease. Her cognition now is barely there and she can't walk or use the bathroom/bathe on her own. She's totally dependent on a 24-hour nurse. Her decline was rapid, it was alarming and so sad/shocking to see. She used to be a firecracker, doing 10 things at once and taking care of everyone around her. Now she has to think really hard before she can recall her own kids' names.

She's been in a nursing home for the last 4 years. At first, we were stricken with grief about having to put her in a home, but we took heart in the fact that she would be in Asia, where respect for elders is paramount...unlike in the U.S.. On the flip side, we obviously miss being able to see her whenever we want. We do visit her twice a year. So it has been a very emotional 6-7 years and I can totally relate to what a lot of you are going through here. I call her 3 times a week and try to convey my love the best I can, through emails and calls and care packages. And when I visit, I try to show her and tell her how much I love her every chance that I can (maximizing the QT). It's frustrating because I wish I could do more...I hate that helpless feeling. And I hate to see how incapacitated Mom has become. But it's as they say -- it's not about the cards you're dealt, it's all about what you do with those cards. I keep trying to remember that I shouldn't stress so much over situations that are out of my control -- all I can do is my best to make sure Mom is comfortable and feeling loved.

KD, I am sorry. I hope someday they find a cure for MS!!!! She is so young. You sound like such a loving daughter.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 6/28/2007 10:53:07 PM
Author: Rock Candy

Date: 6/27/2007 10:23:25 AM
Author: KimberlyH
I keep beginning a post in this thread but my words just don''t seem appropriate. We lost my MIL in February after a 7 year battle with Alzheimers. She spent 6 1/2 of those 7 years at home and I was involved in her care for the last 2 years. It was one of the most challenging experiences of my life. My husband set up an office in her home so that she could live as she chose (alone) as long as possible. He/we cooked cleaned, grocery shopped, did yard work, went to MD appts., etc. At a certain point there was no other option but to place her in assisted living, one of the most difficult decisions he''s ever made, I am sure. There were so many frustrating times but as I sit here and type this I am crying because I miss her so very much. And at 29, I never thought I would have lost my MIL and be dealing with all that it entails (she will never know her future grandchild/children, he/she/they will never have the opportunity to learn from such a wise, strong, fierce and funny woman...).


Thank you for starting this thread, it has caused me to reflect back on the frustrations I/he/we felt and recall the good memories (like the time she hit me with her cane for lecturing her for not appreciating her son; or that she never could remember my name...I will forever be ''that girl'').


My mom has been caring for her parents for 5+ years, her dad died in January and now her mom is in an assisted living facility and she feels the same frustation, sadness and sense of loss that all of you are experiencing.


My heart breaks for all of you; I empathize with each and every one of you.

KimberlyH: You are such a caring individual - a real sweetheart! For being only 29, you are extremely mature and wise.
{{hugs for ''that girl''}}

Thanks so much, RockCandy. What a wonderful compliment!

 

[justjulia]

Hey, mom went with dh and me to the mall and we found a gorgeous bed set-that she picked out. She tickled me because there was another older woman there (82) and she was very "talky" and I was feeling talky, so we talked and mom just got so mad that I was being so social. My mother is just not the chat to strangers type. The woman just lost her husband of 50 years and was talking about it and mom just pretended not to hear her. Then she said I talked to everyone there but her, which wasn''t true! It''s just that you can''t cut someone off mid conversation--especially when talking about a lost spouse. Oh well, that''s my mom. I love talking to people, but mom is more of a stealth shopper when she shops, lol. She said at lunch later that she never enjoyed shopping (in her life). I absolutely love shopping. I love to put colors and textures together and decorate and talk--we are like the most opposite people on the planet. How can a mother and daughter be more opposite? Hmmmm...This give me an idea to start a thread.

 

[Rock Candy]

JJ: Just thinking about you today as you move you Mom into her new home. Sending positive vibs that everything goes smoothly.

 

[Ellen]

Ok, this is one of those times where I need an honest answer. I want to know if I am frustrated right now because I'm being a selfish daughter with a less than ideal relationship with my mother, or I'm justified to feel this way.

I was on the computer and mom called. She wanted to let me know to look for some stuff in the mail for her. Then she asks if I'm on the computyer, which I say yes. She wants to know if I'm doing anything that's can't be interrupted, I say no. (although I need to get ready to go to lunch with hubby, but I don't tell her that) She then says, I want you to go to this religous site and take a short questionaire, they're giving away a trip to Bermuda. ( a little history, she's a religious fanatic, my whole family is, they devote time to almost anything else, but I've learned to accept it, for the most part). I ask who she's going to go with if she wins, she says me. I tell her I don't want to go, nicely.

She still wants to take it, it's short. OK, we start out, and I know immediately this is NOT short. Not only are there a billion questions, they are not just multiple choice. They are thought provoking, and need typed out answers. I am not happy, but proceed. It doesn't help that she thinks so long on some of the answers, that she forgets the question, and we have to start over.

She finally gets to one she can't answer right away, and wants to stop and think on it, and call me back. I want it over with.

I say ok, but I do not hide my tiredness. She mocks me with an ok back, and laughs.

I said, Mom, this has been going on for 50 minutes, it's rediculous. She ignores this basically, except to chuckle again. We hang up, and I can't say what I said to myself.

She calls right back, and has the answer. Thank God (literally). I go to the next page and there's the last question. We finish, and I remind her I'm not going should she win, and I don't know who she would take. She says my 17 year old.

We hang up. No, thank you. No, I'm sorry this took so long. No, I really appreciate this. Nothing. For a trip that should she win, she doesn't have anyone to go with, and could not begin to take by herself.


Now, would you be annoyed, or am I out of hand? I want the truth, even if it's that my mother has nothing better to do, I'm a jerk for complaining, and I'm probably going to hell for this.

I'm going to lunch, I'll check back later.


I may drink it.

 

[Skippy123]

Ellen,
I would be upset too. I have the hardest time w/family because they think you owe it to them since they are family. I think sometimes we got to put our foot down. Could you have printed the questionaire and mailed it to her to fill it out so then it would have been quicker.

I kind of had something like that happen to me recently and I try and distance myself from that person. Thoughtless people are draining and make you feel used. I am super nice by nature and I am learning that in order to keep a piece of myself I need to say no sometimes even though I feel guilt afterwards.

I am so sorry; I understand how you feel. You feel bad saying no and guilty if you do. You are a good daughter and loving mother so don''t feel bad saying no from time to time!!!

 

[KimberlyH]

No, Ellen, you''re not being a terrible, you''re being human. I would have been annoyed too.