Caring for the elderly.

[Ellen]

Date: 8/21/2007 1:52:38 PM
Author: Skippy123
Ellen,
I would be upset too. I have the hardest time w/family because they think you owe it to them since they are family. I think sometimes we got to put our foot down. Could you have printed the questionaire and mailed it to her to fill it out so then it would have been quicker.

I kind of had something like that happen to me recently and I try and distance myself from that person. Thoughtless people are draining and make you feel used. I am super nice by nature and I am learning that in order to keep a piece of myself I need to say no sometimes even though I feel guilt afterwards.

I am so sorry; I understand how you feel. You feel bad saying no and guilty if you do. You are a good daughter and loving mother so don''t feel bad saying no from time to time!!!

Skippy, printing it out, is out of the question, she''s legally blind.

And yes, your last line hit the nail on the head. I feel like a terrible daughter if I say no, but resentful sometimes if/when I say yes.

It''s not like I don''t ever have to read her stuff. She''s also a health food nut, and I mean NUT. She''s out of control buying all kinds of expensive products, searching for the Holy Grail in health. She''s been doing this for 40 years, and I''ve yet to hear her say something actually made her feel better.

And here''s what every new product intails. I have to take it over, unwrap and open it. Then I have to get sheets of paper and write out all the directions in big print for her, PLUS read through all the instructions, even though they are written out, and she will forget by that evening.

i.e. she just spent almost 200.00 on some colon cleansing products. It had 3 different stages. From start to finish (unwrapping, opening, writing instructions, color coding bottles to paper sheets) it was 1 hour 45 minutes. If I thought anything would really do any good, I wouldn''t care so much.

Then there have been countless new patient questionaires to be filled out. I honestly think she''s started going to new docs for something to do. I''m not kidding.

And even my hubby will say, and amazingly he takes her side more than I care, that she''s one of the most selfish people he knows. And she is.

She''s also my mother. And she''s blind. And alone. When is it right to tell her no?

Ack.

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[Ellen]

Kim, thanks.

I forgot to say, there WAS a thank you from her on the machine when I got back. I guess better late than never.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 8/21/2007 3:55:19 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 8/21/2007 1:52:38 PM
Author: Skippy123
Ellen,
I would be upset too. I have the hardest time w/family because they think you owe it to them since they are family. I think sometimes we got to put our foot down. Could you have printed the questionaire and mailed it to her to fill it out so then it would have been quicker.

I kind of had something like that happen to me recently and I try and distance myself from that person. Thoughtless people are draining and make you feel used. I am super nice by nature and I am learning that in order to keep a piece of myself I need to say no sometimes even though I feel guilt afterwards.

I am so sorry; I understand how you feel. You feel bad saying no and guilty if you do. You are a good daughter and loving mother so don't feel bad saying no from time to time!!!

Skippy, printing it out, is out of the question, she's legally blind.

And yes, your last line hit the nail on the head. I feel like a terrible daughter if I say no, but resentful sometimes if/when I say yes.

It's not like I don't ever have to read her stuff. She's also a health food nut, and I mean NUT. She's out of control buying all kinds of expensive products, searching for the Holy Grail in health. She's been doing this for 40 years, and I've yet to hear her say something actually made her feel better.

And here's what every new product intails. I have to take it over, unwrap and open it. Then I have to get sheets of paper and write out all the directions in big print for her, PLUS read through all the instructions, even though they are written out, and she will forget by that evening.

i.e. she just spent almost 200.00 on some colon cleansing products. It had 3 different stages. From start to finish (unwrapping, opening, writing instructions, color coding bottles to paper sheets) it was 1 hour 45 minutes. If I thought anything would really do any good, I wouldn't care so much.

Then there have been countless new patient questionaires to be filled out. I honestly think she's started going to new docs for something to do. I'm not kidding.

And even my hubby will say, and amazingly he takes her side more than I care, that she's one of the most selfish people he knows. And she is.

She's also my mother. And she's blind. And alone. When is it right to tell her no?

Ack.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Ellen, I am sorry. That is tough. Would she be interested in going to couseling w/you; I am not sure it would be the best idea but it may help. I have someone close to me that hurts me a lot (not physically) and I suggested counseling and this person said no. I feel if they aren't willing to meet you half way then why should it be so one sided if you know what I mean. I do think you and I are alike; we want to help and don't want to be taken for granted. I think when you are kind people forget that you have needs too; maybe you can remind her. Have you told her how she makes you feel? You don't have to answer if you don't feel like it, but a huge hug for a sweet friend, YOU missy! Hang in there and do a tiny something nice for yourself. I am glad she called to say thank you.

 

[Ellen]

Skippy, thanks for the hug.

I started to type out a big response, but decided not to. Suffice it to say, I don''t think counceling would work, literally. Even if I was up for it, there are other obstacles.

The biggest one is, she has lost a major part of her long term memory. It would be extremely difficult...because we would need to go ALL the way back in time, and she doesn''t remember it...

But thanks again.

 

[AGBF]

I''m sorry, Ellen. Your mother is very hard to deal with because she has some reality problems that, as a good and loving daughter, you cannot ignore. That situation allows her to get you you pinned down where her more idiosyncratic tendencies make your life unhappy. Believe me, it''s not your fault. Please accept my hug, too!

Deb

 

[isaku5]

First of all, Ellen, (((((BIG HUGS))))).

I understand your dilemma having been in the same position. Luckily, my mom and I had the same family doctor who, no doubt, had heard the same problems from his other patients. My mom liked him and respected his opinion such that she listened to his suggestions (prompted by my complaints). I could have said exactly the same things, but I wasn''t a doctor, merely the only child. I got through many touchy situations with him as "the messenger". Does your mom or do you have such a doctor?? If so s(he) should be a very valuable person to you.

Our doctor actually went beyond the suggestion of counselling (as he knew she wouldn''t agree) and had an application drawn up to admit her to an institution for the "psychiatrically challenged"; this he handed to me in front of her. Its presence proved to be a powerful tool against her desire to manipulate or control me completely because those papers needed only my signature to be acted upon. This may sound cruel to some of you who have never experienced such a nightmare, but it was my ace. I hasten to add that I burned that application shortly after her death at almost 94 never having needed to mention it again. She had spent the previous 12.5 years in a private room in the best retirement facility in the area- funded by????.... Right!!!

 

[Ellen]

Date: 8/21/2007 6:40:13 PM
Author: AGBF


I''m sorry, Ellen. Your mother is very hard to deal with because she has some reality problems that, as a good and loving daughter, you cannot ignore. That situation allows her to get you you pinned down where her more idiosyncratic tendencies make your life unhappy. Believe me, it''s not your fault. Please accept my hug, too!

Deb

Now that''s an understatement. lol


Thanks, and thanks for the hug too.

And to everyone reading this, I hope I don''t sound horrible. This is one of the exact reasons I started this thread. Some things may sound bad, but they are what they are, and you have to try and deal with them. It seems worse because we are talking about our parents, whom we are brought up to respect, and should treat accordingly. But, some haven''t earned that, and therein begins to lie the problems....

 

[Ellen]

Date: 8/21/2007 7:15:20 PM
Author: isaku5
First of all, Ellen, (((((BIG HUGS))))).

I understand your dilemma having been in the same position. Luckily, my mom and I had the same family doctor who, no doubt, had heard the same problems from his other patients. My mom liked him and respected his opinion such that she listened to his suggestions (prompted by my complaints). I could have said exactly the same things, but I wasn''t a doctor, merely the only child. I got through many touchy situations with him as ''the messenger''. Does your mom or do you have such a doctor?? If so s(he) should be a very valuable person to you.

Our doctor actually went beyond the suggestion of counselling (as he knew she wouldn''t agree) and had an application drawn up to admit her to an institution for the ''psychiatrically challenged''; this he handed to me in front of her. Its presence proved to be a powerful tool against her desire to manipulate or control me completely because those papers needed only my signature to be acted upon. This may sound cruel to some of you who have never experienced such a nightmare, but it was my ace. I hasten to add that I burned that application shortly after her death at almost 94 never having needed to mention it again. She had spent the previous 12.5 years in a private room in the best retirement facility in the area- funded by????.... Right!!!

Isabel, thank you.

Hmm, yes, she has a couple docs. No one she listens to entirely though, only when she feels like it. I have a feeling one carries more weight than the other with her, but he''s an hour away, and I''m trying to keep her visits closer. She will be seeing him in the next couple months...I don''t know if that is needed, it is rather drastic, and honestly I don''t know what her doc would say. This is the same one I had test her for Alzheimers 2 years ago, he tested her, and she came home saying she had the mind of a 65 year old. She was 79 at the time, and definitely forgetful.

She also has a LOT of people fooled. I can''t count the times I''ve been told what a sweet woman she is, and I just secretly do this --->

I have a feeling this doc thinks the same, from what I''ve seen.

Honestly, she''s just being a selfish youknowwhat. And I truly am getting to the end of my limit. I think the time is near where I don''t think I''d have a problem telling her no. And if she didn''t like it, proceed to tell her fine, get someone else to take care of you. That very well may be all that''s needed, because I am the only kid here, there IS no one else.

*sigh*

Thanks again, I know you know how hard this is.

 

[KimberlyH]

Ellen,

It''s funny, in a twisted way, the things the elderly will do to manipulate us and gain our attention. My MIL used to refuse to eat when J and I would go out of town, it was her way of saying "How dare you leave me!" even if only for a weekend, nevermind that when we were home we saw her for at least 45 minutes on a daily basis. My mom is now going through similar things with her mother, and she''s upped the refusal to eat anty...she''s lost over 35 lbs in about 4 months. Her MD has said "if you don''t gain weight the next time I see you you''re moving from assisted living to a board and care" and yet my grandmother continues to choose to starve. It''s so hard, especially having been there myself, to help my mom through, and give her a dose of "you cannot be totally and completely responsible for her, she needs to make the choice to care about herself too" that she so desperately needs to hear (but refuses to fully grasp). Please don''t feel evil, bad, mean or cruel...you are only doing all that you can to be a good daughter, and sometimes it''s the toughest job in the world. I empathize.

~K

 

[Sundial]

Ellen I too emphasize with your situation and no I don''t think you are being horrible. You have every right to feel frustrated with your mother. I have similiar issues with my own. It just seems to me that our relationship with our mothers somehow becomes reversed over time and they become chilidish and totally self centered. It is also very hard to reason with someone who is so forgetful. My sister is the one liviing close to my mother, but it is still difficult because she and my mother both want to vent about each other to me. I have no solutions just sympathy!

 

[Ellen]

Date: 8/21/2007 8:16:03 PM
Author: KimberlyH
Ellen,

It''s funny, in a twisted way, the things the elderly will do to manipulate us and gain our attention. My MIL used to refuse to eat when J and I would go out of town, it was her way of saying ''How dare you leave me!'' even if only for a weekend, nevermind that when we were home we saw her for at least 45 minutes on a daily basis. My mom is now going through similar things with her mother, and she''s upped the refusal to eat anty...she''s lost over 35 lbs in about 4 months. Her MD has said ''if you don''t gain weight the next time I see you you''re moving from assisted living to a board and care'' and yet my grandmother continues to choose to starve. It''s so hard, especially having been there myself, to help my mom through, and give her a dose of ''you cannot be totally and completely responsible for her, she needs to make the choice to care about herself too'' that she so desperately needs to hear (but refuses to fully grasp). Please don''t feel evil, bad, mean or cruel...you are only doing all that you can to be a good daughter, and sometimes it''s the toughest job in the world. I empathize.

~K

Aw, sorry to hear that Kim. I don''t know how old your grandma is, but, this could also be a case of, she''s ready to go. Sometimes they will do that, they lose the will, they either know, or want it to be time. I certainly don''t know enough to say that''s it, just a thought.

Manipulation indeed. And that is part of what makes me so mad. She KNOWS what she''s doing. All I could think today was, how dare she put me in this postion. She knows I won''t say anything, yet she knew I was not happy. And, it was all for naught, because she won''t be going if she did win the trip. It was like she was secretly reveling in the fact that she was making me help her for no real reason. Ugh.

It''s amzing, she is in the exact same situation as her mother was, and she is nothing like her. Her mother was so sweet, so quiet, never asked for much of anything. She wouldn''t have dreamed of acting this way, and I guarantee you, my mother wouldn''t have put up with it. But it''s ok for me. Typical.

Anyway, thanks you.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 8/21/2007 8:27:01 PM
Author: Sundial
Ellen I too emphasize with your situation and no I don''t think you are being horrible. You have every right to feel frustrated with your mother. I have similiar issues with my own. It just seems to me that our relationship with our mothers somehow becomes reversed over time and they become chilidish and totally self centered. It is also very hard to reason with someone who is so forgetful. My sister is the one liviing close to my mother, but it is still difficult because she and my mother both want to vent about each other to me. I have no solutions just sympathy!

Aw, you poor thing, sammiched in the middle! I don''t envy you, I''m sure that''s REALLY hard as well.

I realize now, almost all kid/parent relationships reverse. They do become child like, and we become their caretakers/gaurdians. It just helps if you''ve had a good relationship to begin with, which we didn''t. It wouldn''t make this perfect, but it would be a lot easier.

Thanks Sundial, and {{{hugs to you}}}

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 8/21/2007 8:39:26 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 8/21/2007 8:16:03 PM
Author: KimberlyH
Ellen,

It''s funny, in a twisted way, the things the elderly will do to manipulate us and gain our attention. My MIL used to refuse to eat when J and I would go out of town, it was her way of saying ''How dare you leave me!'' even if only for a weekend, nevermind that when we were home we saw her for at least 45 minutes on a daily basis. My mom is now going through similar things with her mother, and she''s upped the refusal to eat anty...she''s lost over 35 lbs in about 4 months. Her MD has said ''if you don''t gain weight the next time I see you you''re moving from assisted living to a board and care'' and yet my grandmother continues to choose to starve. It''s so hard, especially having been there myself, to help my mom through, and give her a dose of ''you cannot be totally and completely responsible for her, she needs to make the choice to care about herself too'' that she so desperately needs to hear (but refuses to fully grasp). Please don''t feel evil, bad, mean or cruel...you are only doing all that you can to be a good daughter, and sometimes it''s the toughest job in the world. I empathize.

~K

Aw, sorry to hear that Kim. I don''t know how old your grandma is, but, this could also be a case of, she''s ready to go. Sometimes they will do that, they lose the will, they either know, or want it to be time. I certainly don''t know enough to say that''s it, just a thought.

Manipulation indeed. And that is part of what makes me so mad. She KNOWS what she''s doing. All I could think today was, how dare she put me in this postion. She knows I won''t say anything, yet she knew I was not happy. And, it was all for naught, because she won''t be going if she did win the trip. It was like she was secretly reveling in the fact that she was making me help her for no real reason. Ugh.

It''s amzing, she is in the exact same situation as her mother was, and she is nothing like her. Her mother was so sweet, so quiet, never asked for much of anything. She wouldn''t have dreamed of acting this way, and I guarantee you, my mother wouldn''t have put up with it. But it''s ok for me. Typical.

Anyway, thanks you.

She may be ready to go but her body isn''t there...she''s in pretty darn good health for being an 87 year old who smoked for 60+ years. She''s never had surgery, cancer, heart problems, etc. She and my mom got into a discussion about what would happen if she refused to eat (she was wondering if they could force a feeding tube) and my mom said "Mother, you told me you want no measures taken, so no, you won''t ever have a feeding tube" to which my G replied, "You want me to die!?" as indignant as can be.

It''s not okay for you, Ellen, but it''s hard to not do it, because she''s your mom. Hang in there.

 

[Kaleigh]

Ellen,
Just wanted to say, I feel for you. Sending you a hug.

And can relate.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 8/21/2007 9:32:18 PM
Author: Kaleigh
Ellen,
Just wanted to say, I feel for you. Sending you a hug.

And can relate.

Ditto!! Ellen I am so sorry you are having to go through this, but I well know how you are feeling. Sending you my love.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 8/21/2007 9:17:06 PM
Author: KimberlyH

She may be ready to go but her body isn''t there...she''s in pretty darn good health for being an 87 year old who smoked for 60+ years. She''s never had surgery, cancer, heart problems, etc. She and my mom got into a discussion about what would happen if she refused to eat (she was wondering if they could force a feeding tube) and my mom said ''Mother, you told me you want no measures taken, so no, you won''t ever have a feeding tube'' to which my G replied, ''You want me to die!?'' as indignant as can be.

It''s not okay for you, Ellen, but it''s hard to not do it, because she''s your mom. Hang in there.

Oh good heavens. Well, considering she said that, I''d tend to think the not eating is more of an attention getter. Your mom should have said, No, but you will if you don''t start eating.

I feel for your mom, it''s hard. Thanks again Kim.


And Kaleigh and Lorelei, thank you two as well. Sometimes it just helps to know that others are in the same boat and understand, even if there is no clear cut answer.


Thanks all! Today is a new day.

 

[justjulia]

Date: 8/21/2007 1:22:47 PM
Author: Ellen
Ok, this is one of those times where I need an honest answer. I want to know if I am frustrated right now because I''m being a selfish daughter with a less than ideal relationship with my mother, or I''m justified to feel this way.


I was on the computer and mom called. She wanted to let me know to look for some stuff in the mail for her. Then she asks if I''m on the computyer, which I say yes. She wants to know if I''m doing anything that''s can''t be interrupted, I say no. (although I need to get ready to go to lunch with hubby, but I don''t tell her that) She then says, I want you to go to this religous site and take a short questionaire, they''re giving away a trip to Bermuda. ( a little history, she''s a religious fanatic, my whole family is, they devote time to almost anything else, but I''ve learned to accept it, for the most part). I ask who she''s going to go with if she wins, she says me. I tell her I don''t want to go, nicely.

She still wants to take it, it''s short. OK, we start out, and I know immediately this is NOT short. Not only are there a billion questions, they are not just multiple choice. They are thought provoking, and need typed out answers. I am not happy, but proceed. It doesn''t help that she thinks so long on some of the answers, that she forgets the question, and we have to start over.


She finally gets to one she can''t answer right away, and wants to stop and think on it, and call me back. I want it over with.

I say ok, but I do not hide my tiredness. She mocks me with an ok back, and laughs.

I said, Mom, this has been going on for 50 minutes, it''s rediculous. She ignores this basically, except to chuckle again. We hang up, and I can''t say what I said to myself.


She calls right back, and has the answer. Thank God (literally). I go to the next page and there''s the last question. We finish, and I remind her I''m not going should she win, and I don''t know who she would take. She says my 17 year old.

We hang up. No, thank you. No, I''m sorry this took so long. No, I really appreciate this. Nothing. For a trip that should she win, she doesn''t have anyone to go with, and could not begin to take by herself.



Now, would you be annoyed, or am I out of hand? I want the truth, even if it''s that my mother has nothing better to do, I''m a jerk for complaining, and I''m probably going to hell for this.

I''m going to lunch, I''ll check back later.



I may drink it.

Ellen,
I''ve been busy with my mother recently--not on a trip, by all means, but the usual scheduling a kazillion dr''s appts... To answer your question, I would have acted just as you did. You are giving more than is humanly possible. Operative word being "human" here. You are human, right?

 

[justjulia]

I wanted to add a little note saying how well assisted living has been going. Ellen, is there any chance your mother would consider anything like this? I researched different assisted living facilities, and the different levels of care they seem to offer...I remember pulling up to a pharmacy in town next to a minibus from one place, and the women inside were all laughing and carrying on...very mobile and on the upper spectrum of health. Unfortunately, that place was more apartment like, with minimal care, which did not fit what mom needed. I''m sure you know all of this and I''m probably forgetting some important info you said a while back. (hug) Julia

 

[Ellen]

julia, I''m so glad to hear things are going well on your end, I have been wondering.


Yes, mom knows that within probably the next year, she will need to move from her home. We have talked about assisted living places, and that''s where she expects/wants to go. I''m getting ready to dive into researching them. We''ve had a couple new ones recently open, and I noticed the other day there is one going up on the grounds where her hospital and dr. offices are. Wouldn''t THAT be convenient? But, it''ll probably cost more too....So, just waiting until she says she''s ready, or her doctor does.


Thanks.

 

[Sundial]

Hugs to you too Ellen! It is comforting to see that others share the same issues.

Julia it is so nice to hear that assisted living is going well for your mother. I am hoping that we can get my mother moved to one of those independent living type apartments in the near future.

 

[Ellen]

Thank you mam!

 

[justjulia]

Date: 8/22/2007 5:56:22 PM
Author: Sundial
Hugs to you too Ellen! It is comforting to see that others share the same issues.



Julia it is so nice to hear that assisted living is going well for your mother. I am hoping that we can get my mother moved to one of those independent living type apartments in the near future.

Thanks. Sundial and Ellen, I was amazed at how good life can be, with assisted living there to help. Mom has an active social life, with friends and staff there. She feels like dressing up and wearing lipstick again. She''s not lonely when I am at work, which is really wonderful. They are managing all of her medicines and meals are on time and hot (hot meals are the bain of my existence. lol)

 

[Ellen]

So julia, do they come give her, her medications when it''s time?

 

[Kaleigh]

Ellen,
I looked after Nanny for 8 years in an assisted living facility. She got great care. They managed her meds, bathing, just about everything. I was only minutes away, so if anything was lacking I would take care of it.

 

[Ellen]

Kaleigh, thank you for the info.

One other question, I'd kind of like to know this before going in. Do most just have a set price on different levels of care, or is pricing ever based on ones monthly income?

 

[phoenixgirl]

Ellen, have you looked into personality disorders that your mother may have? There''s histrionic PD, borderline PD, narcissistic PD, etc. My friend has a narcissistic father and has recently begun therapy (without him -- she''s not in contact). She says it''s really helpful because while she can deal pretty well with what he does now that she is an adult, she has feelings associated with what happened when she was little that still affect her. Her therapist remarked that her father was the most blatant example of a narcissist she''d ever heard of. I know that made my friend feel better because her father completely lacks empathy and blames her for their poor relationship. Children of parents with personality disorders are often expected to parent their parents.

I also suspect a relative of having a personality disorder, and it''s helpful for me to read about the traits and other people''s experiences and go, "OK, so I''m not crazy, other people are going through this."

Anyway, hugs to you . . . you are a good daughter, no matter how you may feel about your mother at different times.

Here are some sites to check out on PDs if you''re interested:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/personality-disorders/DS00562

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/personalitydisorders.html

http://www.merck.com/mmhe/sec07/ch105/ch105a.html

 

[Ellen]

Phoenix, thank you, for the encouragement and the links.

No, I never really thought about her having a disorder, I just figured she was a youknowwhat. She certainly has some undesirable qualities (really selfish and arrogant), but, everyone has something. Nothing ever struck me as that "off", and I do have a family member to "compare" to. I''ll certainly read the links though, can''t hurt.

As for parenting her, that is mainly in the last year or so that I''ve had to begin taking on that role. Her mind is really slipping, and she''s also 81, I think this is somewhat to be expected.

Thanks again.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Wow, I''ve missed a lot since I last posted on this thread. Ellen, your story is so sad. I''m sorry that you are having a difficult time with your mother.

My husband and I have been "freed" of our duty to care for our dear Uncle Junior. He passed in his sleep on Tuesday morning.

The last few weeks of his life were not good. His mind started going about a month ago - he forgot things, tried to go upstairs (hasn''t been up there in years), would not eat anything and was acting, well, crazy. For example, DH went over there to keep him company and Junior yelled and screamed at him to leave and not come back. DH stayed anyways and then Junior kept asking his lady friend to get into bed with him! DH said it was sort of comical but sad at the same time.

The past two weeks or so were quite awful. The family made the decision to turn his pacemaker off. Junior got very weak and we had to put him in bed. He was medicated for comfort and not treatment. He slept for days on end. When it got close we had hospice come in for 24 hour care. Family and his lady friend were there right up until the end.

On Sunday, before he passed, his lady friend said something that really struck me. We were sitting with Junior as he was sleeping. He was having a lot of trouble breathing and sort of having fits. Moaning and groaning although not aware of what was happening around him. His lady friend looked at us and said that she never knew it was so hard to die.

We got the phone call early Tuesday morning and it was a relief to find out that he had finally gone. His suffering was over and we can begin mending. Junior was a wonderful man and an inspiration to many in the family and it''s hard to let go. He''s in a much better place now though.

Jess

 

[Ellen]

Diva, how sad, I''m so sorry to hear.

 

[Ellen]

Well, I guess I just need to vent, again.

My mom seems to be slipping, at a rather rapid rate. I''m shocked at just how forgetful she''s gotten in the last 6 months. So, I''ve gone to see a couple assisted living places in the last week. I knew they wouldn''t be cheap, but I was really bummed to find out the costs. I found one that would be PERFECT for mom. It''s within 10 min. of my house, country setting, with a lake and ducks. A walk path around it, which she''d love as she loves to walk, and they said someone could walk with her. Rockers across the huge front for sitting and relaxing. Absolutely gorgeous decor, 3 meals a day (which you''d think they''d all have, but don''t). So much more than I can list that are positive...Also, there are 3 levels of care, but all are connected. The other place, for the level she would possibly enter at, is not connected to the main building. She needs to be around some eyes....Plus it''s several hundred more a month.

I also found out I kind of know (through a club we belong to) a gal who is the coordinater of activities there. Always a plus to have a pair of friendly eyes looking on. No buy ins or contracts. Honestly, I couldn''t see anything wrong right off the bat, except the price.

THE cheapest we would be looking at is $100.00 a month less than what she brings in a month. There''s no way she could live here without dipping into her principal, which would in turn cause her to earn less. And if she lives as long as her mother did, we''re looking at all the money being gone before mom is....I only care about having money for her to be taken care of properly and comfortably. But honestly, I''m just sick at the thought of where this could go.

There''s another one being built as we speak very close too, and from what I''ve heard (will be calling to enquire) is based on income. But it won''t be done til next spring....


Then, I realized that eventually we''ll have to sell moms home, and where will all her stuff go? I absolutely don''t have room. We have a huge basement, full. My brother doesn''t have room, in fact, he''s got stuff in her basement now, as does my sister. I guess we''ll have to get storage for a bit...

It just makes me so upset that this is so expensive. You can watch peoples life savings be wiped out in the blink of an eye. It''s just not right.