Caring for the elderly.

[justjulia]

Date: 11/23/2007 9:10:57 AM
Author: Ellen
Yeah, the memory thing can be somewhat disheartening. It''s just a huge clue that things are beginning to decline, and you can''t deny it.

I suppose the cancer could have spread, how long ago was the scan, I can''t remember...And has anyone said if this type moves fast? Also Julia, if you''re wanting to get a better idea of how much time you may have with her (as opposed to this fairly large window), I would ask the hospice people. They see this all the time, and may very well have a much better idea. As I said earlier in this thread, I was being told one thing by my dad''s dr., and another by the head night nurse at the nursing home, about dad and how long he might be with us. The nurse turned out to have much greater insight. She was spot on in what she told me. And I WISH I''d totally listened to her instead, as I would have spent every waking moment with my dad, since in the end there was so little time left.

Doctors certainly have their place, but they don''t spend hours upon hours, day in, day out with the sick like nurses and hospice folks do....




I can definitely relate to the memory thing myself. Mom''s has been deteriorating for a few years now, but it''s really started to escalate. I was becoming increasingly concerened, and after last night, I am actually alarmed. I noticed the minute mom walked in the door that she had her hair done differently, but didn''t think much about it, except to think that I''d never seen her wear it that way. But hey, we all change it up, no biggie. However, she got to talking about her hair later, and to make the story shorter, at one point she said, ''since I''ve always parted my hair on the right'' (this day it was parted on the left). Julia, she''s never, in my entire life, parted her hair on either side. It''s basically always been fairly short, parted right in the middle, but just ever so slightly in the ''bang'' area, and the rest was just brushed/poofed straight back on top.

Then, she said to me later, ''You know how you asked me to write down things you said when you were little, well I can only remember a couple''. Thing is, I never asked her that.


She seems to have slipped a lot lately, almost to the point I''m wondering if she''s maybe had some mini strokes or something. It''s just not right...Her dr. appt. can''t get here soon enough, we go Dec. 12th. Hopefully we''ll know more then.



Hang in there Julia, and thank you for updating me. And as always, I''m here whenever you want to talk/vent. {{{hugs}}}

Isn''t it interesting how our minds work. Like, if you can''t remember, it''s easier to conveniently plug new info in and make it work, I guess. I''m tickled your mother was so resolute--like it''s your memory problem, not hers.

I''ve got to find mom a mid size calendar. The one I first got for her is very large, thinking she could see it better. The big ole pages are hard to turn and I think I want her to see two months at a time. Ironically, I don''t know if we have 2 months ahead, even. I have an appt for her to see her psychiatrist, to see if her medications are alright--nov 30. You are living for dec 12 and for me it''s nov 30. I''m hoping the dr can lift her spirits and keep her stable-her internist recently innocently tried to decrease some of her psch meds and she became very upset--which we fixed immediately.

How adamant is your mother about not living in an assisted living? Do I remember correctly that she wasn''t crazy about the idea? Some places are very independent--like apartments with kitchens/living rooms but there is a nurse on staff and planned activities. There are shuttles for shopping and outings, so driving isn''t necessary. (Can you tell how wonderful I think assisted living is?)

 

[Ellen]

Actually, she''s not opposed to AL at all. We have been discussing it for a bit now. And I think she is becoming increasingly aware that maybe she shouldn''t be alone.

The AL place I checked into recently was very nice, but cost too much, IF we want to try and have her live off just her monthly income, and not dip into the principal. There is a new place being built right now that will be done in the spring. It''s income based, so I''m going to call about that next week, and another one I''ve heard of recently. I''m also going to get her put on a nursing home list, just to be safe. I don''t know where she is headed, but it won''t hurt. If her slot comes up and she''s not ready, we can just push it back some more. Will call them next week also.

 

[justjulia]

That''s an excellent idea-getting on a waiting list. We got word of a NH opening nearby, (which could be covered completely by her monthly income and medicaid/medicare) but since they do not tolerate smoking--we had to pass. The AL place where she is at, I found online of all things. It was only afterwards that the irony of it actually being the same place where my best friend''s mother was for 6 yrs came to light--I did not put 2 and 2 together right away. I cannot believe how expensive it is, though. She will go down the hall and outside to smoke, but on the other hand will tell me that it is too hard to walk to the cafeteria, which is on the way to outside. So, the answer to this is, according to her, is to stock her room up with bagels and cream cheese and snickers. (This is where I have tried the lecture and it doesn''t work.)

The other evil thing, is that those motorized chairs are all set up in a scam with medicare to be paid for completely. So, they advertise an extremely inflated price and tell consumers not to worry that medicare will pay for it. The hitch in our case is that she is technically hospice, and medicare will not reimburse the chair company under those conditions. Therefore we cannot buy one at the REAL cost since they would not dare advertise what they really get per medicare. Fortunately, she has a friend who medicare purchased her second chair from (every 3 yrs they will do this for people not dying-which blows my mind since these are the people having the most difficulty moving around) so she has told mom she can permanently borrow her old one. Of course, my mother, of the Jackie O era, hates the idea of anything used and gives me grief to no end about this.

Well, dh is almost home and we are headed to mom tonight. I found her a great quilted coat and some petite track suit things this morning at FOUR AM as I tried this black monday thing for the first time. Of course, she will like NONE of them for various reasons and I am prepared for this. I do wish she was closer, but then, this is okay too (1 hr /20m). I''m really torn about it being kind of far--but then, she is in good hands, and, honestly if it were closer I would have to go every day. I am not as close to my mother as it seems you were to your dad. Although, I wish we were/had been. Her mental illness and affinity for finding all things negative is too much for me most of the time. It took me a long time to say that and be comfortable saying that.

Well, on to cheerier things! I got my frige in order- carving ham and turkey leftovers into big storage zip bags. Yay me.

Guess I''ll go wash my face and prepare for the road.

 

[Ellen]

Julia, I totally understand you and your mothers relationship, I am there with my mom also. We are nowhere near as close as me and my dad were. It''s sad.

The funny thing is, the worse she gets, the more tolerant and compassionate I''m getting with her. I guess it isn''t all that funny really, I just didn''t expect it.

Hang in there toots.

 

[AGBF]

My mother has not been well due to lingering problems from a gastrointestinal problem she had. She depends on my father, who works and exercises, and needs to be able to get out of the house. Now he is chained to the house more in order to be present to give her all her meals and to be sure she is hydrated. (She fell three times and was hospitalized twice last week. It turned out she had become dehydrated.) I moved away (after a lifetime of living within a mile or so) in 2004. My brother is 2 hours away. My father, who never wants to bother my brother, actually called him at work to come help him after my mother fell once last week. She had just come home from the hospital and didn't want to return. She just wanted to get into a chair. My mother is mentally alert. My father is mentally and physically alert. I just need to be closer to them, I think. They are In Connecticut. My husband's job is here, which is why we moved to Virginia in the first place.

I should add that my my mother is 90 and my father a mere 87, which is why he still walks miles for exercise; uses the pool at the Y; works for a salary; and drives.

Deborah

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 3/7/2008 11:29:35 AM
Author: AGBF


My mother has not been well due to lingering problems from a gastrointestinal problem she had. She depends on my father, who works and exercises, and needs to be able to get out of the house. Now he is chained to the house more in order to be present to give her all her meals and to be sure she is hydrated. (She fell three times and was hospitalized twice last week. It turned out she had become dehydrated.) I moved away (after a lifetime of living within a mile or so) in 2004. My brother is 2 hours away. My father, who never wants to bother my brother, actually called him at work to come help him after my mother fell once last week. She had just come home from the hospital and didn't want to return. She just wanted to get into a chair. My mother is mentally alert. My father is mentally and physically alert. I just need to be closer to them, I think. They are In Connecticut. My husband's job is here, which is why we moved to Virginia in the first place.

I should add that my my mother is 90 and my father a mere 87, which is why he still walks miles for exercise; uses the pool at the Y; works for a salary; and drives.

Deborah

Wow your dad is amazing and same w/your mom!!!! I am sorry about your mom; I will keep them in my prayers. We love our parents w/all our hearts so I am sure it feels a little frustrating that you cannot be there with them. Thinking of you Deb and sending you a giant hug and praying for a speedy recovery for your dear mom.

 

[Ellen]

Deb, I'm sorry your mom is suffering. It definitely sounds like it's time to bring in some outside help/home health care, to relieve your dad periodically. If that is financially possible, I would suggest it to your dad. He needs breaks, not only to do what he's used to, but just to re-energize for the day in, day out care involved. (I can't believe he still works!!)

I'm sure it weighs on you that you're not closer, but don't feel guilty, it's just the way it has to be.

 

[justjulia]

Date: 3/8/2008 8:33:03 AM
Author: Ellen
Deb, I'm sorry your mom is suffering. It definitely sounds like it's time to bring in some outside help/home health care, to relieve your dad periodically. If that is financially possible, I would suggest it to your dad. He needs breaks, not only to do what he's used to, but just to re-energize for the day in, day out care involved. (I can't believe he still works!!)


I'm sure it weighs on you that you're not closer, but don't feel guilty, it's just the way it has to be.

Hi Ellen, Deborah, Skippy, and all,
It's been a while since I've had the what-for to be able to communicate since mom's death in December. Deborah, I agree with Ellen, that it might be time for some home health care. Medicare paid for my mother's physical therapist to come out to the house once a week to help her learn to get around, after her fall in the hospital (like yours, just wanted to "sit"). He would guide her around the house on what I can only describe as a waist leash--it gave her a lot of confidence and she got better. Something that helped a lot was to get one of those small motorized chairs. (Medicare will pay 100 percent of it.) It opened up lots of opportunities for getting around safely.
Your father sounds amazing--simply amazing. Don't beat yourself up for living where you do; there is never, ever, ever a perfect situation. I had my mother in my house for months and then it became apparent that even I could not manage the rapidly changing situation. Somehow, we believe that if we use our skills, are right there, and try hard enough, we can override any obstacle. -just ain't so. Loss of control is awful. ..How would it work to move your parents closer to you? Is that an option?
Anyway, I HIGHLY recommend looking into the motorized chair...
Ellen, how are things with you?

 

[Sundial]

Oh Julia I am so sorry to hear about your mom! I know you went through a lot caring for her and you can feel good about the fact that you did everything possible to make her comfortable and secure at the end. You have been missed around here.

Deb I am so sorry that your mom is not doing well and I can certainly relate to living away from ageing parents. We finally had to move mine to Houston a few years back so they would at least be closer to my sister. My dad has since passed away from Alzheimer''s, but my mom is still doing pretty well. She was living alone until she fell and broke her hip last fall. We finally convinced her to move into an assisted living facility. It has been an adjustment for her, but she has made a good friend there and is getting used to it. We may have to help her out somewhat financially in the future, but she just reallly couldn''t continue on her own and it was hard on my sister. I hope that you can get some home health care for your mother. As Julia said no one has a perfect solution when it comes to caring for our parents as they get older.

Ellen once again this thread has been such a life saver!

 

[perry]

Deb:

I am not sure what advice to give as their are pro's and con's to all actions when dealing with our aged parents. I would just like to give you a mental hug and say I understand... and that in the end it will turn out OK.

I too am struggling with the issues here and spent last Saturday with my parents - with my father again in the hospital for a few days.

I was actually planning a post about the meaning of life... and the ways we seek balance with pending death of a loved one last Sunday; and perhaps I'll do that someday.

For now... Take care Deb. I do understand and do care... I know you will do well on the issues - even though it is a real education as we deal with them.


Julia: Sorry about your mother. May you be at peace as much as she is.

Perry

 

[Ellen]

Date: 3/8/2008 11:18:01 AM
Author: justjulia

Ellen, how are things with you?

Hey you, I have been waiting patiently for you to come back and chat with us.

Missed you!


I hope you are coping ok, I know it's tough. Please stick around, it might help to look at and talk about something pleasant = sparklies. And of course I'm here to talk about anything you'd like, remember that.

I'm doing ok. Waiting rather impatiently for moms dr. appt. April 2nd, to review all the tests she had in Jan. (why the long wait, I don't know. another reason to get her w/someone over here). She had an MRI, EEG and total blood work up, and they said over the phone everything came back normal. Which means there's no physiological reason they can find for her forgetfulness, which continues to worsen. Which really isn't good news. So, we'll see what her doc suggests.

Other than that, just plugging along dealing with the monotonous details of my life.

It really IS good to see you Julia.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 3/8/2008 1:18:53 PM
Author: perry
Deb:


I was actually planning a post about the meaning of life... and the ways we seek balance with pending death of a loved one last Sunday; and perhaps I''ll do that someday.

That could be a really interesting thread....

 

[justjulia]

Date: 3/8/2008 11:37:37 AM
Author: Sundial
Oh Julia I am so sorry to hear about your mom! I know you went through a lot caring for her and you can feel good about the fact that you did everything possible to make her comfortable and secure at the end. You have been missed around here.


Deb I am so sorry that your mom is not doing well and I can certainly relate to living away from ageing parents. We finally had to move mine to Houston a few years back so they would at least be closer to my sister. My dad has since passed away from Alzheimer's, but my mom is still doing pretty well. She was living alone until she fell and broke her hip last fall. We finally convinced her to move into an assisted living facility. It has been an adjustment for her, but she has made a good friend there and is getting used to it. We may have to help her out somewhat financially in the future, but she just reallly couldn't continue on her own and it was hard on my sister. I hope that you can get some home health care for your mother. As Julia said no one has a perfect solution when it comes to caring for our parents as they get older.
------------------
Oops, edited to see that I attached instead of quoted...I'm such a goofball..

Oh, Sundial-so good to be back, thank you! Hip fractures...ugh. It reminds me I'm being encouraged to do my first bone scan this year. I recall something on tv recently where a woman was filmed talking w/ her doctor and was really upset that she was put on a calcium supplement (not that that insures bones stay intact if we fall, eh?)when she said she exercised regularly (like marathons)and ate well, etc..she felt like she shouldn't have to and well, gave an earfull to the doctor... Goodness, it's always something, isn't it? Glad to hear she's doing well.

 

[justjulia]

Date: 3/8/2008 1:18:53 PM
Author: perry
Deb:


I am not sure what advice to give as their are pro's and con's to all actions when dealing with our aged parents. I would just like to give you a mental hug and say I understand... and that in the end it will turn out OK.


I too am struggling with the issues here and spent last Saturday with my parents - with my father again in the hospital for a few days.


I was actually planning a post about the meaning of life... and the ways we seek balance with pending death of a loved one last Sunday; and perhaps I'll do that someday.


For now... Take care Deb. I do understand and do care... I know you will do well on the issues - even though it is a real education as we deal with them.



Julia: Sorry about your mother. May you be at peace as much as she is.
---------------
Once again, edited to say I seem to be quoting and attaching all the wrong way today. eek.

Thank you, Perry. I'm getting there. I just "crawled out" this month.

 

[justjulia]

Date: 3/8/2008 1:46:10 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 3/8/2008 11:18:01 AM

Author: justjulia


Ellen, how are things with you?

Hey you, I have been waiting patiently for you to come back and chat with us.

Missed you!



I hope you are coping ok, I know it's tough. Please stick around, it might help to look at and talk about something pleasant = sparklies. And of course I'm here to talk about anything you'd like, remember that.

I'm doing ok. Waiting rather impatiently for moms dr. appt. April 2nd, to review all the tests she had in Jan. (why the long wait, I don't know. another reason to get her w/someone over here). She had an MRI, EEG and total blood work up, and they said over the phone everything came back normal. Which means there's no physiological reason they can find for her forgetfulness, which continues to worsen. Which really isn't good news. So, we'll see what her doc suggests.


Other than that, just plugging along dealing with the monotonous details of my life.

----------------------------
Man, I cannot CANNOT get this posting right today. OH WELL!
Here goes...
*Gush* thank you, Ellen.
I'll take monotonous any day. Actually, monotonous is pretty darn wonderful right now.
I cannot believe how long it is taking for the dr follow up appt. Ok, forgive me for what I do not know, but is there a marker in a blood test for Alzheimers? Excessive protein? Something along those lines? Would the MRI show more inactive areas of the brain? Does she already take Aracept? (Or can they not prescribe w/o an official diagnosis?) My husband's mother has advanced Alzheimer's. The last time I saw her, we were at a family get-together at a restaurant and she asked me if I knew her son. She did not know my children (my daughter was sitting next to her,which was crushing since they had been so close as she grew up).
The worst, from my experience with my mother, was the fiestyness (I have just created my own word) and sheer obstinacy it brings out. It invents new character traits (manipulation in them and gun-shyness in us). Walking on egg shells was not my favorite past time and I know it cannot be yours.
I went and bought some new red (RED) lipstick today. I have on a clay facial mask. The world is good. I'm headed out to paint pottery with my daughter tonight. Monotonous is REAL good.

 

[justjulia]

Date: 3/8/2008 1:47:21 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 3/8/2008 1:18:53 PM

Author: perry

Deb:



I was actually planning a post about the meaning of life... and the ways we seek balance with pending death of a loved one last Sunday; and perhaps I'll do that someday.

That could be a really interesting thread....

I second that. (Edited to go look to see if I actually posted right and YEAH it did! Whoo hoo.)

 

[Odilia]

This is a thread I always wished I had time to get into, but alas, I haven''t had time to really delve into it. (Partly due to being busy last 2 years caring for an elderly relative!) The elderly relative that has taken most of our time is DH''s aunt, who has moderate dementia. However, my Mom has also started having some memory issues. Well, in this past month, twice I have come across info about cholesterol lowering drugs and how they can affect the memory. So although I don''t have time to read thru this thread to see if it''s been discussed, I thought it might be worth posting. My Mom apparently was taking Zocor, but from everything I''ve read, the risk of memory problems etc. is so not worth any potential (and unlikely) benefit from the drug.

http://www.virginiahopkinstestkits.com/julianwhitakerstatins.html
CHOLESTEROL DRUGS CAN CAUSE MEMORY LOSS
Why Statins are Bad for the Brain

http://statineffects.ucsd.edu/

I have read more but don''t have easy access right now. Lastly, I just want to offer my sympathy to everyone going thru these kinds of issues, because I know how hard it can be.

 

[Ellen]

The bloodwork was for her Thyroid I believe, and maybe other things. He didn''t tell us when we were there last why he was ordering all these. I assume he will (and I''ll ask if he doesn''t) at our next visit. And no, right now she''s not on anything, but that may change...

My MIL died of Alzheimers too. She must have been a rare case, as she didn''t get like they do a lot of times, until literally 3 months before she died. Then she started hitting the dauighter who had cared for her for years, and they finally had to put her in a nursing home. But up until that time, she remained the sweetest person, very meek, just as she was before she got it.

And your story reminded me of the samething that happened to hubby and I. There was family in town, so we all met at a resturant for dinner. My SIL from Ohio was sitting by mom, and when hubs and I walked in, mom asked who we were. She knew the out of towners but not us. We got a good chuckle out of that one, as SIL teasingly told us we must not mean much to mom.

New (bold) lipstick, a clay mask, and a relaxing hobby, things sound good Julia. I''m glad.

 

[Ellen]

OFG, I read an article in Money magazine on the side affects of Cholesteral lowering drugs and it scared the youknowwhat out of me. There were many, besides what you mentioned, very debilitating. I decided right there hubby was not taking that stuff. He had HC, and his doc was saying he might need it. I changed his diet, and it lowered it enough that his doc called and said, whatever you''re doing, keep doing it.

 

[bebe]

For everyone dealing with aging parents or relatives, my heart goes out to you. I am dealing daily with issues
surrounding my 90yr. old mother. She has moderate to severe dementia, is in an Alzheimer unit, does not know me or any
of my siblings. But I continue to visit about twice a week.

I just discovered the Aid and Attendance VA program. It offers financial aid to Veterans and/or their spouses.
I mention this because in my research, it seems this is a little known program and many vets are going without.
The qualifications are pretty simple. If anyone wants info, please ask me here.

I am also about to make a claim on my mom''s Long Term care policy. That will be a journey I''m sure!
It''s funny because you think when you reach a certain age, your life will finally be your own.
My mom''s issues are now a full time job and I have given up trying to do the things I''ve been looking
forward to for years. My husband took a very early retirement at age 52. We are at a great point in our life,
yet I feel burdened with my mom. My siblings just drop it all into my lap. I suppose because I do not work,
they feel they can justify their actions.

I keep telling myself "And this too shall pass".

 

[justjulia]

Date: 3/8/2008 6:27:00 PM
Author: bebe
For everyone dealing with aging parents or relatives, my heart goes out to you. I am dealing daily with issues

surrounding my 90yr. old mother. She has moderate to severe dementia, is in an Alzheimer unit, does not know me or any

of my siblings. But I continue to visit about twice a week.


I just discovered the Aid and Attendance VA program. It offers financial aid to Veterans and/or their spouses.

I mention this because in my research, it seems this is a little known program and many vets are going without.

The qualifications are pretty simple. If anyone wants info, please ask me here.


I am also about to make a claim on my mom''s Long Term care policy. That will be a journey I''m sure!

It''s funny because you think when you reach a certain age, your life will finally be your own.

My mom''s issues are now a full time job and I have given up trying to do the things I''ve been looking

forward to for years. My husband took a very early retirement at age 52. We are at a great point in our life,

yet I feel burdened with my mom. My siblings just drop it all into my lap. I suppose because I do not work,

they feel they can justify their actions.

Bebe,
That''s tough. I''m willing to bet that "because you don''t work" is not the only reason; I bet it is truly because perhaps you are a very patient, tolerant, dependable person that can "handle it" when the others cannot.
I will say this: It''s kind of like gripping the arms of an airplane seat as you take off. You feel like as long as you squeeze, you will help keep that plane up in the sky. I know if feels right, to do the right thing and visit as often as you can, and believe me when I tell you that I understand that the more present you are, the "better" the care the staff appears to provide (you have enough going on with getting the meds monitored, hair appointments made, oxygen delivered, and all the little touches assisted living and you arrange together). But, you may need to let them (the facility) do their thing and you visit perhaps once a week. Otherwise, you are going to run yourself into the ground.

 

[justjulia]

Date: 3/8/2008 2:30:39 PM
Author: old-fashioned girl
This is a thread I always wished I had time to get into, but alas, I haven''t had time to really delve into it. (Partly due to being busy last 2 years caring for an elderly relative!) The elderly relative that has taken most of our time is DH''s aunt, who has moderate dementia. However, my Mom has also started having some memory issues. Well, in this past month, twice I have come across info about cholesterol lowering drugs and how they can affect the memory. So although I don''t have time to read thru this thread to see if it''s been discussed, I thought it might be worth posting. My Mom apparently was taking Zocor, but from everything I''ve read, the risk of memory problems etc. is so not worth any potential (and unlikely) benefit from the drug.


http://www.virginiahopkinstestkits.com/julianwhitakerstatins.html

CHOLESTEROL DRUGS CAN CAUSE MEMORY LOSS

Why Statins are Bad for the Brain


http://statineffects.ucsd.edu/


I have read more but don''t have easy access right now. Lastly, I just want to offer my sympathy to everyone going thru these kinds of issues, because I know how hard it can be.
---------------------------------
Wow, good info.

 

[justjulia]

Date: 3/8/2008 2:41:06 PM
Author: Ellen
OFG, I read an article in Money magazine on the side affects of Cholesteral lowering drugs and it scared the youknowwhat out of me. There were many, besides what you mentioned, very debilitating. I decided right there hubby was not taking that stuff. He had HC, and his doc was saying he might need it. I changed his diet, and it lowered it enough that his doc called and said, whatever you''re doing, keep doing it.

---
What kinds of things are you doing with his diet? Just curious.

 

[bebe]

justjulia, yes, some weeks I only see her once a week. The daily issues and paper work all add up to a lot of stress.
When I see my siblings taking vacations and finding time for activities other than visiting our mom, it upsets me.
I make peace with it by saying what goes around, comes around!

 

[justjulia]

Date: 3/8/2008 11:17:42 PM
Author: bebe
justjulia, yes, some weeks I only see her once a week. The daily issues and paper work all add up to a lot of stress.

When I see my siblings taking vacations and finding time for activities other than visiting our mom, it upsets me.

I make peace with it by saying what goes around, comes around!

--------
Well, then, with all those "strangers" coming around more-wouldn't that possibly stress your mother out quite a bit? I agree that they should be doing more with the paperwork. It sounds like you are power of attorney. When things got really complicated toward the end of my mother's life, I had been sole power of attorney but had my brother added in a change of will that she signed off on-so that he could share with the duties, such as closing bank accounts, etc. It was a great help.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 3/8/2008 6:27:00 PM
Author: bebe
For everyone dealing with aging parents or relatives, my heart goes out to you. I am dealing daily with issues
surrounding my 90yr. old mother. She has moderate to severe dementia, is in an Alzheimer unit, does not know me or any
of my siblings. But I continue to visit about twice a week.

I just discovered the Aid and Attendance VA program. It offers financial aid to Veterans and/or their spouses.
I mention this because in my research, it seems this is a little known program and many vets are going without.
The qualifications are pretty simple. If anyone wants info, please ask me here.

I am also about to make a claim on my mom's Long Term care policy. That will be a journey I'm sure!
It's funny because you think when you reach a certain age, your life will finally be your own.
My mom's issues are now a full time job and I have given up trying to do the things I've been looking
forward to for years. My husband took a very early retirement at age 52. We are at a great point in our life,
yet I feel burdened with my mom. My siblings just drop it all into my lap. I suppose because I do not work,
they feel they can justify their actions.

I keep telling myself 'And this too shall pass'.

That is NO justification bebe. It's a cop out, so they don't have to do anything. If there is anything they can do, simply ask them to. Point out you do the majority of it all now, and that it would only be fair if they help you with this.

I find myself ready to let my brother politely have it myself. While I realize I am the only kid in town, and therefore logistics says I get to do most, he seems to have no problem calling me and asking to do more. Long story short, he called a couple weeks ago to remind me of some detective work that needed to be done for moms taxes. Now that WAS something he could do, but he didn't. So I'm going to ask him to ask himself if he can do something, before asking me.

And I agree, you need to take time for you. And take a vacation. Sadly, if your mother doesn't know you at this point, she will not miss you per se, and you can get energized ocassionally. I really feel for you.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 3/8/2008 11:37:37 AM
Author: Sundial
Ellen once again this thread has been such a life saver!

I missed this post yesterday, thanks Sundial.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 3/8/2008 11:08:26 PM
Author: justjulia


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What kinds of things are you doing with his diet? Just curious.

Lower carb/better carbs lifestyle of eating. The biggest things were trying to cut out (though that is impossible, so it's really cut way down) white flour and white sugar products. Cutting out as much processed foods and junk foods as humanly possible, but we cheat. Eating whole grain breads. And he's started eating oatmeal for breakfast. However, it's the prepackaged kind, that has sugar, not as healthy. But that's where he drew the line.

 

[justjulia]

Holy cow, yes, he could do at least that.
My brother did things once I asked, but I do recall an incident after her passing that really clenched how I'd been feeling. I had to go and clean out her things, the closet, all the belongings, furniture, personal things, including music cd's, from the room. Days later my brother chewed me for throwing the cd's away, and I had to stop in my tracks and look at him and say "you were not there." He did not want them per se, but just wanted to chew on my decision making. I. Don't. Think. So.

 

[justjulia]

Date: 3/9/2008 10:00:46 AM
Author: Ellen

Date: 3/8/2008 11:08:26 PM

Author: justjulia



---

What kinds of things are you doing with his diet? Just curious.

Lower carb/better carbs lifestyle of eating. The biggest things were trying to cut out (though that is impossible, so it''s really cut way down) white flour and white sugar products. Cutting out as much processed foods and junk foods as humanly possible, but we cheat. Eating whole grain breads. And he''s started eating oatmeal for breakfast. However, it''s the prepackaged kind, that has sugar, not as healthy. But that''s where he drew the line.

Well I guess what matters is that it is working. My thing is I keep things around to munch on like almonds, avocados, whole grain bread and then he goes to work and eats the catch-can that they serve when they are all working hard on a project and don''t go out. We can''t get our act together to pack lunches.