Caring for the elderly.

[Ellen]

Date: 3/9/2008 10:43:56 AM
Author: justjulia

Holy cow, yes, he could do at least that.
My brother did things once I asked, but I do recall an incident after her passing that really clenched how I''d been feeling. I had to go and clean out her things, the closet, all the belongings, furniture, personal things, including music cd''s, from the room. Days later my brother chewed me for throwing the cd''s away, and I had to stop in my tracks and look at him and say ''you were not there.'' He did not want them per se, but just wanted to chew on my decision making. I. Don''t. Think. So.

Good for you to tell him so.


And yes, if he packed his lunch, it would help a lot. Hubby has always packed his, but was putting not so heathy stuff in it, so he just adjusted what he takes now.

 

[justjulia]

Date: 3/9/2008 10:56:51 AM
Author: Ellen

Date: 3/9/2008 10:43:56 AM

Author: justjulia


Holy cow, yes, he could do at least that.

My brother did things once I asked, but I do recall an incident after her passing that really clenched how I''d been feeling. I had to go and clean out her things, the closet, all the belongings, furniture, personal things, including music cd''s, from the room. Days later my brother chewed me for throwing the cd''s away, and I had to stop in my tracks and look at him and say ''you were not there.'' He did not want them per se, but just wanted to chew on my decision making. I. Don''t. Think. So.

Good for you to tell him so.



And yes, if he packed his lunch, it would help a lot. Hubby has always packed his, but was putting not so heathy stuff in it, so he just adjusted what he takes now.

Okay, you''ve inspired me. I''ll push for the lunch makin''. He did it for a while; I''d get up and make or he''d make and then he started getting up in the week hours to beat traffic, and it trailed off. We really have no real excuse for not doing it.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 3/9/2008 12:37:20 PM
Author: justjulia


Okay, you've inspired me. I'll push for the lunch makin'. He did it for a while; I'd get up and make or he'd make and then he started getting up in the week hours to beat traffic, and it trailed off. We really have no real excuse for not doing it.

Yay! You might see some benefits with weight loss too. That's originally why I started all this, to lose weight (which I did, hubby didn't, but then he didn't have any to lose

). But in the book I was reading, by Suzanne Sommers, people were giving testamonials on not only weight loss, but things like lowering cholesteral, lowering high blood pressure, diabetics getting off insulin, etc. That's what got me to see if hubby would give this a try, which he finally relented to for 6 months. Then when he had his annual testing, the proof was in the pudding.

I really think personally, white flour and sugar (and a diet combining those with lots of fat) are much bigger culprits than fat alone. And I've read some articles that have backed it up. Not that you want to nosh on high fat foods all the time, but I just don't think it's our biggest enemy.



p.s. LOVE the new av.

Although your other one was awful cute!

 

[AGBF]

Date: 3/7/2008 11:29:35 AM

Author: AGBF


My mother has not been well due to lingering problems from a gastrointestinal problem she had. She depends on my father, who works and exercises, and needs to be able to get out of the house. Now he is chained to the house more in order to be present to give her all her meals and to be sure she is hydrated. (She fell three times and was hospitalized twice last week. It turned out she had become dehydrated.) I moved away (after a lifetime of living within a mile or so) in 2004. My brother is 2 hours away. My father, who never wants to bother my brother, actually called him at work to come help him after my mother fell once last week. She had just come home from the hospital and didn''t want to return. She just wanted to get into a chair. My mother is mentally alert. My father is mentally and physically alert. I just need to be closer to them, I think. They are In Connecticut. My husband''s job is here, which is why we moved to Virginia in the first place.


I should add that my my mother is 90 and my father a mere 87, which is why he still walks miles for exercise; uses the pool at the Y; works for a salary; and drives.

I wrote the above 20 days ago, but it seems like a lifetime ago now. My daughter and I are now living in Connecticut at my parents'' house and my mother is in the hospital. She has had a CVA (a stroke) and some seizures. The prognosis is not yet clear. I have another thread started about this in Hangout, but I wanted to make sure that other people saw this wonderful thread so that they would know where they could come to share their stories.


Deborah

 

[Libster]

Hi Deb,
I''m glad your Mom is having a better day

As I was reading through your thread, I thought I would share something we experienced with my Dad this past year while he was very ill in the hospital. He was in the ICU and they referred to his sudden dementia, hallucinations, agitation, anxiety, etc. as "ICU Psychosis". This link my be helpful to someone in the future that may face this with a loved one:
http://www.medicinenet.com/icu_psychosis/page2.htm

Another term that may be used for the same sort of symptoms is "Sundowners Syndrome":
http://healthcarenews.com/article.asp?id=187

 

[Kaleigh]

Thanks Deb,
I had seen this thread before. I guess it's time for me to join if you will. Both my parents are ill. They will be moving back here soon from FLA. My Mom's is physical, she's in a great deal of pain. Her specialist is here, so she'll get pain management, etc... Dad's is mental. Praying that with the proper meds, and a good psychaitrist, he will see some sunshine. Right now it's a black hole. So am gearing up for this.

I have many friends that are in the same boat. Seems like we are all taking care of our parents, so have a great support system with them as well.

I took care of my grandparents for as long as I can remember. I did that without help from my Mom. I did it with joy, as I loved them so. This is harder.... But hopefully healing on both sides will occur. One can hope ....

 

[Ellen]

Deb, as I said in your other thread, I hope things continue to improve. Bless you for temporarily moving to take care of your mother, you are a good daughter. Feel free to come post about whatever, even if it''s just to vent. That''s as much a reason for this thread as everything else.



Libster, thank you so much for those links. That''s just the type of thing I like to see posted in here, I''m sure it will help someone somewhere along the way!



Kaleigh, I feel for you my dear. I only know a little bit of history, but it''s enough to know you are facing a challenge similar to mine. I hope in the course of caring for your parents, some good things come out of it. Please feel free to pop in whenever you need a pick me up, we''re here.

 

[Linda W]

May I please join this thread???

I will be caring for my mother soon.

She just turned 82. She lives one hour away from us. I wish she would move in with us, or closer, but she refuses. I can''t blame her, she loves the house she and my dad lived in.

5 years ago, she had a kidney removed, due to kidney cancer. Her doctor just found another tumor and she will have that removed next month. In 3 months, her doctor told her she has to begin kidney dialysis three times a week.

She told me last night, she probably won''t want to do it and will let herself die. OMG, I freaked out. How can she say such a thing??? She said she won''t discuss it and it is her decision. I hope she is just not thinking straight and when the time comes will do her treatments.

Linda

 

[perry]

Date: 3/28/2008 2:59:50 PM
Author: Linda W
May I please join this thread???


I will be caring for my mother soon.


She just turned 82. She lives one hour away from us. I wish she would move in with us, or closer, but she refuses. I can''t blame her, she loves the house she and my dad lived in.


5 years ago, she had a kidney removed, due to kidney cancer. Her doctor just found another tumor and she will have that removed next month. In 3 months, her doctor told her she has to begin kidney dialysis three times a week.


She told me last night, she probably won''t want to do it and will let herself die. OMG, I freaked out. How can she say such a thing??? She said she won''t discuss it and it is her decision. I hope she is just not thinking straight and when the time comes will do her treatments.


Linda

Linda: Yes you may join the thread. I have been away for a couple of weeks. This weekend I travel to help my parents again.

Concerning your mothers decision. Please do not think of it as irrational. Your mother has probably put a lot of thought into it - all the pro''s and con''s on the effects not to just herself... but to the family and her community.

In the end, if you believe in personal freedom; the ultimate freedom is being able to decide under what conditions you will die. Choosing to not extend your life by artificial or exceptional means is not suicide in the conventional sense.

I believe that supporting your mothers choice will allow her to live the remainder of her life on her terms... Which is all any of us can ask.

I do know how difficult that concept can be. I have emotionally struggled with some of the real world practical effects - even though I intellectually understand.

I wish you the best.

Perry

 

[Libster]

Kaleigh,
That is a tough situation you are facing, but it sounds like you have everything well thought out. I know what you mean about the "doing it with joy" part. I have always had a one-sided relationship with my Dad and so many emotions come up from years of history. When he was ill last year, I just had to put it behind me and hope for, as you said "healing". I pray that is what you will find in your journey

Ellen,
Again...thanks so much for starting this thread.

Linda,
It is hard to watch our parents fight an illness and I'm sure they just get completely frustrated and worn out with everything they endure. I'm sure your Mom said she wouldn't do the dialysis in a moment of frustration. By the way......................."Happy Anniversary"! (I lurk in the weekly workout thread

)

 

[Ellen]

Date: 3/28/2008 2:59:50 PM
Author: Linda W
May I please join this thread???


Linda

Of course you can! You didn''t even need to ask.

I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I was wondering, would the dialysis be a permanent thing, for the rest of her life, or temporary?

I''ll elaborate after you answer.



And to anyone else, feel free to post, whatever you want. There are no rules to this thread, except to respect everyone''s opinions and posts.



Libster, no need to thank me.

 

[Linda W]

Hi Ellen and everyone,

Her dialysis will be permanent. If she would stop, she will die from kidney failure, as she only has one kidney.

I agree with Perry, with the right to die choice. When I had cancer a few years ago myself, I had to face that decision too, if I had not recovered. Being it is my mom, I don''t want he to make that choice. I know it is selfish on my part, being I want her around forever.

Lisa: I am so sorry you are facing the task of taking care of your parents. My dad died 4 years ago, and I was running back and forth helping my mom taking care of him. We finally had to put him in a facility because towards the end, he was wondering around and didn''t know who he was anymore. It was too hard on my mom. I really wish you the best on this difficult task you are facing.

Linda

And yes, Ellen, thank you so much for starting this thread. It is a place where I will feel comfortable talking and maybe being able to help too.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 3/28/2008 10:03:47 PM
Author: Linda W
Hi Ellen and everyone,

Her dialysis will be permanent. If she would stop, she will die from kidney failure, as she only has one kidney.

I agree with Perry, with the right to die choice. When I had cancer a few years ago myself, I had to face that decision too, if I had not recovered. Being it is my mom, I don''t want he to make that choice. I know it is selfish on my part, being I want her around forever.

And yes, Ellen, thank you so much for starting this thread. It is a place where I will feel comfortable talking and maybe being able to help too.

I pretty much "thought" it would be a life long treatment, but knowing next to absolutely nothing about it, I didn''t want to just assume before responding.

As Perry pointed out, it really is her decision. No one knows what they would choose in that situation, people look at things differently. Some would find this a small but necessary inconvenience to continue living. Others (maybe your mom) might view it as not really living life the way they define living a quality life. And as hard as it is, we can''t tell them which is right, it really is their life. I totally understand you wanting her to stay here and take the treatments. That''s a natural reaction Linda. You love her, of course you want her here.

I would talk to her about her decision. Not to try and change her mind, but to understand her reasons, and to make sure she really has thought everything out. She probably has, but there could be a small possiblity this is a knee jerk reaction. Either way, I would just be supportive and understanding with her. Hearing her side may very well help you to understand and accept it.


I really feel for you. I was in somewhat of a similar situation with my dad at one point in his last year. He wouldn''t/couldn''t eat, and they put him on a feeding tube. He kept ripping it out. The doctor finally said, you either leave this in, or you will die. That decision is up to you, those are your choices. He chose to leave it out. He didn''t feel that option was really "living". I understood that, sad as it was. It turned out that he eventually started eating on his own again, and I got to spend a few more months with him. But the point is, I certainly didn''t feel I had the right to "tell" him what to do, even though the thought of losing him was more than I could bear.

It is a hard place to be for all involved, and terribly emotional. We are here for you whenever you want to talk Linda.

{{{major hugs}}}

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 3/28/2008 10:03:47 PM
Author: Linda W
Hi Ellen and everyone,

Her dialysis will be permanent. If she would stop, she will die from kidney failure, as she only has one kidney.

I agree with Perry, with the right to die choice. When I had cancer a few years ago myself, I had to face that decision too, if I had not recovered. Being it is my mom, I don''t want he to make that choice. I know it is selfish on my part, being I want her around forever.

Lisa: I am so sorry you are facing the task of taking care of your parents. My dad died 4 years ago, and I was running back and forth helping my mom taking care of him. We finally had to put him in a facility because towards the end, he was wondering around and didn''t know who he was anymore. It was too hard on my mom. I really wish you the best on this difficult task you are facing.

Linda

And yes, Ellen, thank you so much for starting this thread. It is a place where I will feel comfortable talking and maybe being able to help too.

Oh Linda, I am so sorry you are facing this. I don''t have any advice but I want to say my heart goes out to you and your mom.

Lisa, my heart goes out to you too!!

Sending strength vibes/prayers to you two!

 

[justjulia]

Date: 3/27/2008 11:05:56 PM
Author: Kaleigh
Thanks Deb,

I had seen this thread before. I guess it''s time for me to join if you will. Both my parents are ill. They will be moving back here soon from FLA. My Mom''s is physical, she''s in a great deal of pain. Her specialist is here, so she''ll get pain management, etc... Dad''s is mental. Praying that with the proper meds, and a good psychaitrist, he will see some sunshine. Right now it''s a black hole. So am gearing up for this.


I have many friends that are in the same boat. Seems like we are all taking care of our parents, so have a great support system with them as well.


I took care of my grandparents for as long as I can remember. I did that without help from my Mom. I did it with joy, as I loved them so. This is harder.... But hopefully healing on both sides will occur. One can hope ....

I hope things will get better for your parents soon.

 

[justjulia]

Date: 3/28/2008 10:03:47 PM
Author: Linda W
Hi Ellen and everyone,


Her dialysis will be permanent. If she would stop, she will die from kidney failure, as she only has one kidney.


I agree with Perry, with the right to die choice. When I had cancer a few years ago myself, I had to face that decision too, if I had not recovered. Being it is my mom, I don''t want he to make that choice. I know it is selfish on my part, being I want her around forever.


Lisa: I am so sorry you are facing the task of taking care of your parents. My dad died 4 years ago, and I was running back and forth helping my mom taking care of him. We finally had to put him in a facility because towards the end, he was wondering around and didn''t know who he was anymore. It was too hard on my mom. I really wish you the best on this difficult task you are facing.


Linda


And yes, Ellen, thank you so much for starting this thread. It is a place where I will feel comfortable talking and maybe being able to help too.

Linda, my mother said that she decided to not do chemo, and then changed her mind. She also went through down times when she said she just wanted to die. We had to work on getting her antidepressant medication managed (changed, upped, then lessened) a couple of times. Maybe your mom would respond to some light antidepressants?

 

[Kaleigh]

Thanks guys!!
I have 2 weeks to gear up for this. I like having a plan of action, or a plan of care. Have been planning for this with my Aunt, and my DH. Hopefully once they are here, that plan will work. But with anything, you can do all the planning in the world, only to have something go wrong, and the plan goes out the window. I am trying to not think the worse case senario, but in my position I have to think about that too. I have a strong back bone, so this shouldn''t be too bad. If it''s bad, you''ll hear from me. Right now, I am trying to enjoy my last 2 weeks of bliss.

 

[bebe]

Date: 3/29/2008 8:22:38 PM
Author: Kaleigh
Thanks guys!!

I have 2 weeks to gear up for this. I like having a plan of action, or a plan of care. Have been planning for this with my Aunt, and my DH. Hopefully once they are here, that plan will work. But with anything, you can do all the planning in the world, only to have something go wrong, and the plan goes out the window. I am trying to not think the worse case senario, but in my position I have to think about that too. I have a strong back bone, so this shouldn''t be too bad. If it''s bad, you''ll hear from me. Right now, I am trying to enjoy my last 2 weeks of bliss.

Kaleigh, will they be living with you? If so, bless you, this is a huge undertaking. I hope all works out the way you envision.

I know I couldn''t do that. I just don''t have the patience. But then again my mom has diminished mental abilities, so she truly needs 24/7 custodial care. She stayed with me for 4 days during Hurricane Rita and I almost drove myself nuts just watching out for her. I felt for her because she was out of her normal environment and I''m sure felt uncomfortable in my home. In fact I''m sure she wasn''t sure where she was!

I moved my mom 3 times from Dec. 27th to January 30th. Once from one assisted living and then twice within the same nursing/alzheimer home. All 3 times were very dramatic for her. And me as well. I am hoping she is getting used to her surroundings now. Her health is so-so, but for a 90 yr. old she is doing fantastic. Sometimes we wonder, what is better, to have your mind or have your health !!

This is a hard time for many boomers. I''m 53 and my children are almost out of the house. This is supposed to be the time of our lives. Hubby just retired early and we were looking forward to many years of travel and being home. But now we both are caring for our mothers. Though both moms are in homes, we still visit and offer support. I read a lot on the Alzheimer support boards and it does help a lot to understand this awful disease.

 

[justjulia]

Date: 3/29/2008 10:20:37 PM
Author: bebe

Date: 3/29/2008 8:22:38 PM

Author: Kaleigh

Thanks guys!!


I have 2 weeks to gear up for this. I like having a plan of action, or a plan of care. Have been planning for this with my Aunt, and my DH. Hopefully once they are here, that plan will work. But with anything, you can do all the planning in the world, only to have something go wrong, and the plan goes out the window. I am trying to not think the worse case senario, but in my position I have to think about that too. I have a strong back bone, so this shouldn't be too bad. If it's bad, you'll hear from me. Right now, I am trying to enjoy my last 2 weeks of bliss.

Kaleigh, will they be living with you? If so, bless you, this is a huge undertaking. I hope all works out the way you envision.


I know I couldn't do that. I just don't have the patience. But then again my mom has diminished mental abilities, so she truly needs 24/7 custodial care. She stayed with me for 4 days during Hurricane Rita and I almost drove myself nuts just watching out for her. I felt for her because she was out of her normal environment and I'm sure felt uncomfortable in my home. In fact I'm sure she wasn't sure where she was!


I moved my mom 3 times from Dec. 27th to January 30th. Once from one assisted living and then twice within the same nursing/alzheimer home. All 3 times were very dramatic for her. And me as well. I am hoping she is getting used to her surroundings now. Her health is so-so, but for a 90 yr. old she is doing fantastic. Sometimes we wonder, what is better, to have your mind or have your health !!


This is a hard time for many boomers. I'm 53 and my children are almost out of the house. This is supposed to be the time of our lives. Hubby just retired early and we were looking forward to many years of travel and being home. But now we both are caring for our mothers. Though both moms are in homes, we still visit and offer support. I read a lot on the Alzheimer support boards and it does help a lot to understand this awful disease.

Kaleigh- I love your spirit.

Bebe- I understand about the moving. It was very much like having another child, except I could not handle it like she was a child. It was very hard for her to allow others to give her medicine and other help. As I think Ellen also did and said earlier, I had to enlist the subtle help of our internist to suggest she do things for her health. She began to lose track of time and would over medicate and be too depressed to bathe...things like that. It sucked the life out of me. (Looking back.) (And I have not until recently been able to voice that without feeling extremely guilty.)

 

[Ellen]

Kaleigh, you''ve got a great attitude going, and a very realistic one. The best laid plans.....

I wish you much luck, and hope all really does go according to your plan.



bebe, I feel for you and your hubby, both facing the same situations. And while I totally advocate visiting often and keeping on top of things, you two really do need to take time for yourselves. You can still take trips, and should. Just maybe not as often or for as long as you might have hoped. But please don''t totally give up your dreams, that''s not fair to you, nor healthy. And I''m sure your parents wouldn''t want that either.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 3/30/2008 8:30:44 AM
Author: justjulia

Kaleigh- I love your spirit.

Bebe- I understand about the moving. It was very much like having another child, except I could not handle it like she was a child. It was very hard for her to allow others to give her medicine and other help. As I think Ellen also did and said earlier, I had to enlist the subtle help of our internist to suggest she do things for her health. She began to lose track of time and would over medicate and be too depressed to bathe...things like that. It sucked the life out of me. (Looking back.) (And I have not until recently been able to voice that without feeling extremely guilty.)

That''s exactly one of the reasons I started this thread. We DO feel guilty thinking or feeling things like this, and yet, we shouldn''t. We are only human, not "super caretakers". We can''t "do it all" and not feel/have repercussions. I wanted this to be a place where we could talk honestly, and not be judged. Until someone has been in this position, they truly have no idea just how taxing it is.

I''m glad you''re feeling better about things Julia. You were a great daughter, and did a great job. You really did.

 

[perry]

Date: 3/30/2008 8:30:44 AM
Author: justjulia

Kaleigh- I love your spirit.


Bebe- I understand about the moving. It was very much like having another child, except I could not handle it like she was a child. It was very hard for her to allow others to give her medicine and other help. As I think Ellen also did and said earlier, I had to enlist the subtle help of our internist to suggest she do things for her health. She began to lose track of time and would over medicate and be too depressed to bathe...things like that. It sucked the life out of me. (Looking back.) (And I have not until recently been able to voice that without feeling extremely guilty.)

Kaleigh: I too love what you are planning to do - and wish you the best in it.

Justjulia: Oh I know what you mean; and please do not feel guilty about it.

I''ve been doing a multi year parents support task where (going on 6 years I think) and it is definitely wearing... In my case my parents still live independently - about 3 hours from me. I take care of much of their financial, and other things (and visit routinely). It has taken a real toll on me - and affected other relationships too. Financially, I''m beginning to get frustrated (I think I am now up to $4000-$5000 per year - and that hurts in other ways too).

There is one other family member who has been handing the medical side of things, and I have gotten another who is also 3 hours away (the other direction) to visit and help out too; but, I''m getting burned out.

No way could I have my parents move in with me.... That would be too much.

The real frustration is that most of my siblings are not willing to help... - or only help minimally (there are 8 kids). While I can understand the sister who has medical issues and is living on the other side of Canada not helping. There are ones that are much better off financially - and time wise - than I who live the same distance or closer (one within 20 minutes) who don''t help at all; or claim they will help - but then do not.

Now with all that being said... Yesterday went fairly well. My dad was up and more alert than I''ve seen him in a year or so - and we had a nice chat. My mom is having more problems though....

A side benefit to the trip yesterday was that I saw a vehicle driving on an almost totally flat tire, was able to flag them down and get them to stop before it came apart(that was interesting); helped change their tire (I have a much better jack and a proper tire iron in my van) - and led them to a tire place in the next town where they could buy a new pair of tires; and they appreciated it (mother/daughter on a trip from out of state). It feels so nice to give and help other people (and I turned down the $50 they offered; as I don''t help people like that for money - and I''ve been turning down $ for 30+ years for helping people on the road).

Do have a great day; and may Yahweh bless all of you who are helping your parents (despite our frustrations and limitations).

Perry

 

[justjulia]

Date: 3/30/2008 11:58:18 AM
Author: perry

Date: 3/30/2008 8:30:44 AM

Author: justjulia


Kaleigh- I love your spirit.



Bebe- I understand about the moving. It was very much like having another child, except I could not handle it like she was a child. It was very hard for her to allow others to give her medicine and other help. As I think Ellen also did and said earlier, I had to enlist the subtle help of our internist to suggest she do things for her health. She began to lose track of time and would over medicate and be too depressed to bathe...things like that. It sucked the life out of me. (Looking back.) (And I have not until recently been able to voice that without feeling extremely guilty.)

Kaleigh: I too love what you are planning to do - and wish you the best in it.


Justjulia: Oh I know what you mean; and please do not feel guilty about it.


I''ve been doing a multi year parents support task where (going on 6 years I think) and it is definitely wearing... In my case my parents still live independently - about 3 hours from me. I take care of much of their financial, and other things (and visit routinely). It has taken a real toll on me - and affected other relationships too. Financially, I''m beginning to get frustrated (I think I am now up to $4000-$5000 per year - and that hurts in other ways too).


There is one other family member who has been handing the medical side of things, and I have gotten another who is also 3 hours away (the other direction) to visit and help out too; but, I''m getting burned out.


No way could I have my parents move in with me.... That would be too much.


The real frustration is that most of my siblings are not willing to help... - or only help minimally (there are 8 kids). While I can understand the sister who has medical issues and is living on the other side of Canada not helping. There are ones that are much better off financially - and time wise - than I who live the same distance or closer (one within 20 minutes) who don''t help at all; or claim they will help - but then do not.


Now with all that being said... Yesterday went fairly well. My dad was up and more alert than I''ve seen him in a year or so - and we had a nice chat. My mom is having more problems though....


A side benefit to the trip yesterday was that I saw a vehicle driving on an almost totally flat tire, was able to flag them down and get them to stop before it came apart(that was interesting); helped change their tire (I have a much better jack and a proper tire iron in my van) - and led them to a tire place in the next town where they could buy a new pair of tires; and they appreciated it (mother/daughter on a trip from out of state). It feels so nice to give and help other people (and I turned down the $50 they offered; as I don''t help people like that for money - and I''ve been turning down $ for 30+ years for helping people on the road).


Do have a great day; and may Yahweh bless all of you who are helping your parents (despite our frustrations and limitations).


Perry

Perry, I found myself nodding "yes, yes" while reading your post. I do know what you mean.
You did a world of good for that mother and daughter. Thank God there are people like you out there.

 

[justjulia]

Date: 3/30/2008 9:00:29 AM
Author: Ellen

Date: 3/30/2008 8:30:44 AM

Author: justjulia


Kaleigh- I love your spirit.


Bebe- I understand about the moving. It was very much like having another child, except I could not handle it like she was a child. It was very hard for her to allow others to give her medicine and other help. As I think Ellen also did and said earlier, I had to enlist the subtle help of our internist to suggest she do things for her health. She began to lose track of time and would over medicate and be too depressed to bathe...things like that. It sucked the life out of me. (Looking back.) (And I have not until recently been able to voice that without feeling extremely guilty.)

That''s exactly one of the reasons I started this thread. We DO feel guilty thinking or feeling things like this, and yet, we shouldn''t. We are only human, not ''super caretakers''. We can''t ''do it all'' and not feel/have repercussions. I wanted this to be a place where we could talk honestly, and not be judged. Until someone has been in this position, they truly have no idea just how taxing it is.


I''m glad you''re feeling better about things Julia. You were a great daughter, and did a great job. You really did.

It''s funny Ellen, I received the BEST complement the other day from my daughter (on spring break from college). She said, "mom, I know where I get my strength. You." (I earned that "strength" from caregiving. Like they say, that which doth not kill you will make you stronger.") (That, or force you to develop a wicked sense of humor.)

 

[Ellen]

Aw, a great compliment indeed!

 

[Kaleigh]

I spoke to my Dad, offered to set up the house for when they come home. I was shocked to hear what they are eating, basically next to nothing. I am stocking their house full of good foods so they''ll have healthy meals. Right now he''s making frozen dinners. I was floored, he used to at least buy a rotisserie chicken, etc.. Anyway, I said Dad, it''s enough. I said you have done a great job, being a caretaker is tough. I told him that I am willing to do everything for him, so he doesn''t have to worry anymore. He started crying, saying, I need you. Then I said, BUT you will have to listen to me and follow my advice. He''s making terrible investments that have put him in a very bad position. DH told me this. It''s been a pattern for years. I said you will have to allow DH and I to manage your money, no more fly by night investments. First convo I have had where I didn''t get verbally attacked. Progress in being made. I wanted to lay the foundation before they got here. I don''t think he''ll give me any problems, he''s wanting the help. Thank goodness.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 3/30/2008 9:08:41 PM
Author: Kaleigh
I spoke to my Dad, offered to set up the house for when they come home. I was shocked to hear what they are eating, basically next to nothing. I am stocking their house full of good foods so they''ll have healthy meals. Right now he''s making frozen dinners. I was floored, he used to at least buy a rotisserie chicken, etc.. Anyway, I said Dad, it''s enough. I said you have done a great job, being a caretaker is tough. I told him that I am willing to do everything for him, so he doesn''t have to worry anymore. He started crying, saying, I need you. Then I said, BUT you will have to listen to me and follow my advice. He''s making terrible investments that have put him in a very bad position. DH told me this. It''s been a pattern for years. I said you will have to allow DH and I to manage your money, no more fly by night investments. First convo I have had where I didn''t get verbally attacked. Progress in being made. I wanted to lay the foundation before they got here. I don''t think he''ll give me any problems, he''s wanting the help. Thank goodness.

Thank goodness Kaleigh, wow, he sounds like he wants to change. You are a good daughter; wishing you and your family the best.

 

[bebe]

Kaleigh I hope it all works out for the best. Perhaps he has reached his limits and knows he needs you.

I was the sibling that had to tell my mom she had to leave her home 4 years ago. It was very tough. She wanted to stay in her home of course, but she wasn''t safe there and had no support. We too thought she was eating well,
but later discovered she wasn''t. Her housekeeper was even writing the checks to pay her bills. She couldn''t drive any longer.
So she couldn''t get to a grocery store. My siblings and I were not aware of this, she kept it from us that well!
She began to give money away - so I understand your concern regarding your dad. We have no idea how much my mom gave away, but
at least $15,000, that we could find evidence of. A neighbor called Social Services because she felt my mom was in danger living alone. It was tough for us to face, but indeed she did need to move to an assisted living facility. At the new place, she starved because she would not eat in the dining room. She was too embarrassed to speak because she had lost the ability to put words together. Finally we hired an aide to make sure she ate. Then the alzheimer''s got worse and now she''s in a facility for that.

Kaleigh, I hope you have a support system to help you through this. I have a little from my brother, but my sister pretends it doesn''t exist. I am thankful my mom has care and I take comfort in that.

 

[justjulia]

Date: 3/30/2008 9:08:41 PM
Author: Kaleigh
I spoke to my Dad, offered to set up the house for when they come home. I was shocked to hear what they are eating, basically next to nothing. I am stocking their house full of good foods so they''ll have healthy meals. Right now he''s making frozen dinners. I was floored, he used to at least buy a rotisserie chicken, etc.. Anyway, I said Dad, it''s enough. I said you have done a great job, being a caretaker is tough. I told him that I am willing to do everything for him, so he doesn''t have to worry anymore. He started crying, saying, I need you. Then I said, BUT you will have to listen to me and follow my advice. He''s making terrible investments that have put him in a very bad position. DH told me this. It''s been a pattern for years. I said you will have to allow DH and I to manage your money, no more fly by night investments. First convo I have had where I didn''t get verbally attacked. Progress in being made. I wanted to lay the foundation before they got here. I don''t think he''ll give me any problems, he''s wanting the help. Thank goodness.

You are so, so very smart to have just had that conversation. Good for you! Now the groundwork is laid and you can mentally check that off, for now. I''m attaching something that made me smile, a good friend sent to me recently. I hope it brings a giggle for the moment. I hope it doesn''t offend anyone. jj
MY NEXT LIFE

I want to live my
next life backwards!

You start out dead and get that out of the
way right off the bat.

Then, you wake up in a nursing home
feeling better every day.

When you are kicked out of the home
for being too healthy, you spend
several years enjoying your
retirement and collecting benefit checks.

When you start work,
you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years or
so, getting younger every day until pretty soon
you''re too young to
work.

So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink,
and party.

As you get even younger, you become a kid
again.

You go to elementary school, play, and have no
responsibilities.

In a few years, you become a baby and
everyone runs themselves ragged
keeping you happy.

You spend
your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury,
spa-like
conditions: central heating, room service on
tap.

Until finally...You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest
my case.

 

[perry]

Date: 3/30/2008 9:08:41 PM
Author: Kaleigh
I spoke to my Dad, offered to set up the house for when they come home. I was shocked to hear what they are eating, basically next to nothing. I am stocking their house full of good foods so they''ll have healthy meals. Right now he''s making frozen dinners. I was floored, he used to at least buy a rotisserie chicken, etc.. Anyway, I said Dad, it''s enough. I said you have done a great job, being a caretaker is tough. I told him that I am willing to do everything for him, so he doesn''t have to worry anymore. He started crying, saying, I need you. Then I said, BUT you will have to listen to me and follow my advice. He''s making terrible investments that have put him in a very bad position. DH told me this. It''s been a pattern for years. I said you will have to allow DH and I to manage your money, no more fly by night investments. First convo I have had where I didn''t get verbally attacked. Progress in being made. I wanted to lay the foundation before they got here. I don''t think he''ll give me any problems, he''s wanting the help. Thank goodness.

Kaleigh:

Good for you for the conversation - and you are so fortunate...

When my parents got into financial trouble several years ago (3 or 4) they denied there were any problems and despite my efforts to help them budget; fought me every step of the way.... Only a couple months ago have they acknowledged that I helped them (but dad is still planning on buying a car again - as he won''t admit that he no longer has a drivers license - and mom won''t admit it either).

Best of luck, you will do well. You are just so fortunate to have parents who admit they need help and appreciate you for what you are going to do.

Perry