Caring for the elderly.

[justjulia]

Date: 3/30/2008 10:34:00 PM
Author: bebe
Kaleigh I hope it all works out for the best. Perhaps he has reached his limits and knows he needs you.


I was the sibling that had to tell my mom she had to leave her home 4 years ago. It was very tough. She wanted to stay in her home of course, but she wasn''t safe there and had no support. We too thought she was eating well,

but later discovered she wasn''t. Her housekeeper was even writing the checks to pay her bills. She couldn''t drive any longer.

So she couldn''t get to a grocery store. My siblings and I were not aware of this, she kept it from us that well!

She began to give money away - so I understand your concern regarding your dad. We have no idea how much my mom gave away, but

at least $15,000, that we could find evidence of. A neighbor called Social Services because she felt my mom was in danger living alone. It was tough for us to face, but indeed she did need to move to an assisted living facility. At the new place, she starved because she would not eat in the dining room. She was too embarrassed to speak because she had lost the ability to put words together. Finally we hired an aide to make sure she ate. Then the alzheimer''s got worse and now she''s in a facility for that.


Kaleigh, I hope you have a support system to help you through this. I have a little from my brother, but my sister pretends it doesn''t exist. I am thankful my mom has care and I take comfort in that.

Bless your heart. You''ve had a rough time of it, and you did all the right things.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 3/30/2008 10:34:00 PM
Author: bebe
Kaleigh I hope it all works out for the best. Perhaps he has reached his limits and knows he needs you.

I was the sibling that had to tell my mom she had to leave her home 4 years ago. It was very tough. She wanted to stay in her home of course, but she wasn''t safe there and had no support. We too thought she was eating well,
but later discovered she wasn''t. Her housekeeper was even writing the checks to pay her bills. She couldn''t drive any longer.
So she couldn''t get to a grocery store. My siblings and I were not aware of this, she kept it from us that well!
She began to give money away - so I understand your concern regarding your dad. We have no idea how much my mom gave away, but
at least $15,000, that we could find evidence of. A neighbor called Social Services because she felt my mom was in danger living alone. It was tough for us to face, but indeed she did need to move to an assisted living facility. At the new place, she starved because she would not eat in the dining room. She was too embarrassed to speak because she had lost the ability to put words together. Finally we hired an aide to make sure she ate. Then the alzheimer''s got worse and now she''s in a facility for that.

Kaleigh, I hope you have a support system to help you through this. I have a little from my brother, but my sister pretends it doesn''t exist. I am thankful my mom has care and I take comfort in that.

bebe,
Thanks, I have the support of DH and my Aunt. I am lucky to have many friends, many of which are going through the same thing. Plus, I was the sole caretaker of my grandparents, which spanned 16 years or so. So I am ready and able. I know it will be a bumpy ride. I also know, I am going to try to teach my Dad a thing or two. He''s so clueless. But in the past, if I said anything, I was a brat. Oh the irony. Anyway, he''s going to be taught living skills. I am not going to do everything for him. Will give him the tools to be successful on his own. That will make him feel better in the long run. Mom won''t stay in this house for long, she needs care 24/7 and the house isn''t set up for that. Too big and too many steps.


bebe,
My BFF''s mother just died, and she is taking care of her dad that has Alzheimer''s. I know full well what a hard disease that is to deal with. Sounds like you are handling it well. Having them get the best care is so important. Hang in there, thanks for you kind words.

 

[Ellen]

Kaleigh, I nearly started crying when I read about your dad saying he needed you. It's touching, albeit sad, that he has only shown you "respect" after reaching this point. But at least it sounds like he is in a position to listen to you now. Do you have POA? If not, with the finances iffy, might want to do that if you don't. Although you probably already know that. I wish you much luck.



Julia, I chuckled.

 

[Kaleigh]

Ellen,
I am getting POA as soon as he gets home.

And taking away his 6 credit cards. Pretty sure his debt is a crazy amount but won't know until he gets home. Then Hubby and I will be going over everything with a fine tooth comb.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 3/31/2008 3:11:53 PM
Author: Kaleigh
Ellen,
I am getting POA as soon as he gets home.

And taking away his 6 credit cards. Pretty sure his debt is a crazy amount but won''t know until he gets home. Then Hubby and I will be going over everything with a fine tooth comb.

Something else I did. Even though I have POA, at this point mom can still call her broker and say cut me a check for x amount, if she wanted to. So, I talked with them not too long ago, and said if she were to do such a thing, or call for ANY reason that involved sending her money/selling stock, etc. to call me first. That way nothing serious can happen.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 3/31/2008 3:25:33 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 3/31/2008 3:11:53 PM
Author: Kaleigh
Ellen,
I am getting POA as soon as he gets home.

And taking away his 6 credit cards. Pretty sure his debt is a crazy amount but won't know until he gets home. Then Hubby and I will be going over everything with a fine tooth comb.

Something else I did. Even though I have POA, at this point mom can still call her broker and say cut me a check for x amount, if she wanted to. So, I talked with them not too long ago, and said if she were to do such a thing, or call for ANY reason that involved sending her money/selling stock, etc. to call me first. That way nothing serious can happen.

Hubby is his broker, so have that covered. Hehe, poor guy is really in for it. But thanks Ellen!!!

ETA: The investments that went bad were not in the stock market. The latest is a Mine in Utah, a total scam.

 

[bebe]

My bother has POA for our mom. My mom''s bank will not accept the POA !! She has a CD we cannot access. Brother is on her checking
account, so they have to see that.
We have retained an Elder Care attorney and she wrote a letter saying the POA was indeed valid. The bank is still
playing hardball. There are always these little roadblocks.

Kaleigh, can/will you get a Medical POA as well?
We didn''t do that years ago, and regret it now.

 

[justjulia]

Ditto that everyone needs to get medical and legal power of attorney as soon as you reasonably can. Also, make sure wills are updated and if there is a desire to resuscitate written in the med poa.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 3/31/2008 3:49:00 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 3/31/2008 3:25:33 PM
Author: Ellen


Something else I did. Even though I have POA, at this point mom can still call her broker and say cut me a check for x amount, if she wanted to. So, I talked with them not too long ago, and said if she were to do such a thing, or call for ANY reason that involved sending her money/selling stock, etc. to call me first. That way nothing serious can happen.

Hubby is his broker, so have that covered. Hehe, poor guy is really in for it. But thanks Ellen!!!

ETA: The investments that went bad were not in the stock market. The latest is a Mine in Utah, a total scam.

Aw, bless him though.

It''s like I told Julia, by doing all this, we are surely earning angel wings. At least, I keep telling myself that...

Yikes on the Mine! And you''re welcome!


bebe, dang, I can''t believe the bank won''t accept the POA. For heavens sake, WHAT do they want??


julia, good reminder. I have all bases covered. The lawyer even had us fill out a thing for mom called Five Wishes.

 

[Nicrez]

I just found this thread, and it's so very timely. I have read some very sad but inspiring posts... Thanks again Ellen for creating this thread!

My grandmother is 95, and ailing for the first time. She's the toughest person I have ever known but her body is only so tough. She was to me my second mother, as she came to live with my parents when my mother was pregnant with me many many years ago. She has lived with them since, and although the years my parents have found it very comforting to have their third tea partner with them, as she has progressed she has suffered one small stroke too many.

I travel quite a bit, but do my very best to be with her and see her as often as possible. My family knows that I am her "baby" all these years, as she practically was a mother to me, while my own mother worked and dealt with the family. But with all the memory and nostalgia of who she was our family is slowly facing the real conclusion that she is after all human, and that is so sad for us. We are a strange family in that we have had family members last and last, so within the close family we have not had anyone die. My great uncles both died in their hundreds. I still have three out of four grandparents alive in their late 80's and early 90's, with the fourth only having died at 67 of cancer (smoker). It will be a tough pill to swallow for us all, but as such we are wholly unprepared.

My mother has created the health care proxy for her mother, but in order to make sure she is covered, what other things have to be in place? It's a horribly morbid thought and process, but I don't want decisions to be made hastily and incorrectly at a time where you should grieve and heal in peace. Can anyone give a sort of checklist of things they think one should consider when an ailing parent is in the last stage of life? I have the POAs on the list of course, but anything else besides the sticky details of where to bury and how?

I am so sorry for all of you who have suffered such a loss, and I don't know how it will be for us when she finally does decide to leave us. Happy for her and her peace, but sad for the world's loss of a truly exceptional person, and the memories of a grandmother who even strangers liked to call her "grandma"... Thank you all...

 

[Ellen]

Nicrez, how positively lucky to have 3 of your grandparents still with you!! I had lost 3 of mine by the time I was 15. Which was a very long time ago.

Besides the heathcare POA, have all funeral arrangements been made? And was grandmother a process of that if so? (i.e. was she asked what she wanted to wear, etc.)

Also, have you sat down with her to find out explicitly what she does and does not want as she gets increasingly worse healthwise? (i.e. all meds/only pain meds, IV''s/no IV''s, etc)

Besides POA, and all funeral arrangements, I''m not thinking of anything else at the moment, but if I do, I''ll add it on.

I''m so sorry you are facing her leaving, it is never easy, even when you know, and it''s time. My thoughts are with you. And you are very welcome for the thread, I hope it helps you.

 

[Libster]

Nicerez,
I too am sorry you are facing this with your Grandma. Here is a link to a website with a section "end of life tools" that may be helpful:
http://www.thirteen.org/onourownterms/tools/index.html

 

[Ellen]

One other thing I would suggest, to everyone who is responsible for writing the obituary, write it before the person passes. While you may be upset, it is far less so than after they pass. I wrote my dad''s a few days before, and I''m so glad I did. I had time to keep thinking about it, adding things, rearranging, etc. (which was good, in my mental state, I at first left out crucial family members!) But in the end, it was very well put together, and I had several people actually comment about/compliment me on it.


Another great link Lib, thanks!

 

[Ellen]

Well, I just got back from taking my mom to her neurologist. She had an MRI, EEG, and bloodwork for Thyroid and vitamin deficiencies a couple months ago, to help determine what might be causing her deteriorating memory. All came back fine, which I knew several weeks ago. What he then had to say, I pretty much suspected, I don''t think my mom did . Of course, he had to say this was not a definitive diagnosis, because there isn''t one, but in light of all her test results, his guess is that she is in the very early stages of Alzheimers.

He explained that she was still in a very good place mentally (I think he''s giving her a tad more credit, but then he doesn''t deal with her to truly know), and that if she started a medication to halt the loss, she could very well keep it in check for a few years. He said 85% of people who try the meds have success, with at least one good year, many have more, and noted one had seven. So while I didn''t ask, my guess is 2-4 years might be an average. Nothing works forever. There are some GI side affects, hope that''s not an issue. But if it is, we can try another script that comes in a patch, bypassing the GI tract.

So, I am just praying the med agrees with her, and works. We shall see.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 4/3/2008 1:38:01 PM
Author: Ellen
Well, I just got back from taking my mom to her neurologist. She had an MRI, EEG, and bloodwork for Thyroid and vitamin deficiencies a couple months ago, to help determine what might be causing her deteriorating memory. All came back fine, which I knew several weeks ago. What he then had to say, I pretty much suspected, I don''t think my mom did . Of course, he had to say this was not a definitive diagnosis, because there isn''t one, but in light of all her test results, his guess is that she is in the very early stages of Alzheimers.

He explained that she was still in a very good place mentally (I think he''s giving her a tad more credit, but then he doesn''t deal with her to truly know), and that if she started a medication to halt the loss, she could very well keep it in check for a few years. He said 85% of people who try the meds have success, with at least one good year, many have more, and noted one had seven. So while I didn''t ask, my guess is 2-4 years might be an average. Nothing works forever. There are some GI side affects, hope that''s not an issue. But if it is, we can try another script that comes in a patch, bypassing the GI tract.

So, I am just praying the med agrees with her, and works. We shall see.

Ellen, I am sorry; I will keep you and your mom in my prayers. It is tough when our parents are changing places with us if you know what I mean. I pray her meds help and there are no GI problems.

 

[Ellen]

Thank you Skippy.

 

[Nicrez]

Ellen, it is good news that the rate of acceptance is so high, so I have hope things will work out. As we often see, people are much stronger than we give them credit for! Your mom sounds like she''s tough and can get through this, and you can too!

Thanks Ellen and Libster for the tips. I have been on the website and even had a friend of mine tape a show about caring for the elderly that was on Thirteen while I am away. She said it was on last night so she TiVoed it for me, and I can watch it with my mother.

Be strong! Our positive thoughts are with you and your family always!!

 

[Linda W]

Ellen,

I am sending good wishes for your mom!!! It is so damn hard watching them get older. I really breaks my heart. We want them to live forever. My girlfriend and I were just talking about this last night.

I hope her medications will help her, with no side effects.

Linda

 

[Kaleigh]

Oh Ellen,
I am praying medicine works well for your Mom. Sending healing prayers her way, and a big hug to you. This is tough.

 

[Ellen]

Thank you all so much for your thoughts, I really do appreciate them. We''ll get through this, one way or another.

 

[justjulia]

Date: 4/3/2008 1:38:01 PM
Author: Ellen
Well, I just got back from taking my mom to her neurologist. She had an MRI, EEG, and bloodwork for Thyroid and vitamin deficiencies a couple months ago, to help determine what might be causing her deteriorating memory. All came back fine, which I knew several weeks ago. What he then had to say, I pretty much suspected, I don''t think my mom did . Of course, he had to say this was not a definitive diagnosis, because there isn''t one, but in light of all her test results, his guess is that she is in the very early stages of Alzheimers.


He explained that she was still in a very good place mentally (I think he''s giving her a tad more credit, but then he doesn''t deal with her to truly know), and that if she started a medication to halt the loss, she could very well keep it in check for a few years. He said 85% of people who try the meds have success, with at least one good year, many have more, and noted one had seven. So while I didn''t ask, my guess is 2-4 years might be an average. Nothing works forever. There are some GI side affects, hope that''s not an issue. But if it is, we can try another script that comes in a patch, bypassing the GI tract.


So, I am just praying the med agrees with her, and works. We shall see.

85 percent sounds wonderful to me. I know my husband''s mother was on the drug Aricept for many years with really good results. How does your mother feel about all of this?

 

[Ellen]

Date: 4/3/2008 4:51:54 PM
Author: justjulia


85 percent sounds wonderful to me. I know my husband''s mother was on the drug Aricept for many years with really good results. How does your mother feel about all of this?

Hey julia, that''s the med he''s putting her on. And yes, pretty good track record.

I don''t quite know how she''s doing yet. Her gentleman friend went with us, so there wasn''t a whole lot of discussion on the way home. I am going to call her tonight to remind her to take her pill, since she''s not used to this, and I was going to talk to her about it them. She seemed "ok" after what I think was a bit of an initial shock at hearing the doc say what he thought it was.

I''m glad to hear your MIL had good results with it, that''s encouraging too.

 

[justjulia]

Are you using a "pill box" yet? You know, the kind that has M, T, W, Th, F on snap top connected boxes? That was a lifesaver for us. That way, mom knew if she'd taken it yet. (found at any drugstore) I think dh's mother uses the kind that comes already packaged by the pharmacy with peel/punch foil tops.

ETA: I took a sharpee and wrote my own times meds were due, etc on the box tops for my mother. Every Wednesday I would restock the whole thing for the next week.

 

[justjulia]

Just a thought--she might use a watch that can be programmed to beep once a day, to remind her to check her pill box.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 4/3/2008 5:50:57 PM
Author: justjulia
Are you using a ''pill box'' yet? You know, the kind that has M, T, W, Th, F on snap top connected boxes? That was a lifesaver for us. That way, mom knew if she''d taken it yet. (found at any drugstore) I think dh''s mother uses the kind that comes already packaged by the pharmacy with peel/punch foil tops.

That''s what she has right now. The doc gave her a sample pack with a lower dose first for 4 weeks, to see if she can tolerate it, and then a weeks worth of the desired dose. But not a bad idea to get a pill box if she does ok and continues. Thanks!

 

[Ellen]

Date: 4/3/2008 5:55:43 PM
Author: justjulia
Just a thought--she might use a watch that can be programmed to beep once a day, to remind her to check her pill box.

I "think" once she gets in the routine of this, she''ll be ok. But I will check on her to see if she''s forgetting, and if so we may need something like that to remind her.

 

[justjulia]

Wasn''t she always into vitamins? I mean, isn''t she used to happily taking pills on a regular basis? At least she doesn''t have a problem with taking medication. You might want to check if she can take it right before bed. I know that a couple of mom''s meds were better tolerated when she took them at night rather than in the morning. I''m not sure about dh''s mom, when she takes hers. Dh''s mother has been on Aricept for the better part of 10 years! Her memory only recently started to take a considerate turn, however she still knows all of her children very well. She asked me however, last year, if I had seen dh''s house (we built). She had no idea who I was. She does not recognize the grandchildren, which has been hard on my daughter (having spent much time as a child with her).

 

[Ellen]

Date: 4/3/2008 6:06:33 PM
Author: justjulia
Wasn''t she always into vitamins? I mean, isn''t she used to happily taking pills on a regular basis? At least she doesn''t have a problem with taking medication. You might want to check if she can take it right before bed. I know that a couple of mom''s meds were better tolerated when she took them at night rather than in the morning. I''m not sure about dh''s mom, when she takes hers. Dh''s mother has been on Aricept for the better part of 10 years! Her memory only recently started to take a considerate turn, however she still knows all of her children very well. She asked me however, last year, if I had seen dh''s house (we built). She had no idea who I was. She does not recognize the grandchildren, which has been hard on my daughter (having spent much time as a child with her).

Yes, health nut, many vitamins. So that''s why I think once she just gets used to taking one more thing, she''ll be ok. He has suggested she take this at night to start out with, to possibly avoid any nausea it might cause.

That''s amazing you MIL has been on it and doing well that long! I don''t even know that my mother will make it ten more years, I would kinda be surprised if she did. And I thought to myself today, if the medicine would just work as long as she''s alive, that would be the best case scenario. But I really wasn''t projecting it to work that many years, just from what the doc had said...

 

[justjulia]

Date: 4/3/2008 6:32:53 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 4/3/2008 6:06:33 PM

Author: justjulia

Wasn''t she always into vitamins? I mean, isn''t she used to happily taking pills on a regular basis? At least she doesn''t have a problem with taking medication. You might want to check if she can take it right before bed. I know that a couple of mom''s meds were better tolerated when she took them at night rather than in the morning. I''m not sure about dh''s mom, when she takes hers. Dh''s mother has been on Aricept for the better part of 10 years! Her memory only recently started to take a considerate turn, however she still knows all of her children very well. She asked me however, last year, if I had seen dh''s house (we built). She had no idea who I was. She does not recognize the grandchildren, which has been hard on my daughter (having spent much time as a child with her).

Yes, health nut, many vitamins. So that''s why I think once she just gets used to taking one more thing, she''ll be ok. He has suggested she take this at night to start out with, to possibly avoid any nausea it might cause.


That''s amazing you MIL has been on it and doing well that long! I don''t even know that my mother will make it ten more years, I would kinda be surprised if she did. And I thought to myself today, if the medicine would just work as long as she''s alive, that would be the best case scenario. But I really wasn''t projecting it to work that many years, just from what the doc had said...

Well, my dh is standing right here and he confirms 10 years! His mom is now 84.

 

[Ellen]

That''s really encouraging julia. I won''t get my hopes too high yet, but it is good to hear. My mom will be 83 on the 19th of this month.