Should I give her an heirloom ring?

[surfgirl]

Date: 11/5/2007 7:47:51 PM
Author: MoonWater

Date: 11/5/2007 5:50:45 PM

Author: Chase035

well now, if we all had in-laws like that we'd be set : P


I know I'm probably igniting a firey response from many of the ladies in the peanut gallery who disagree, but personally, I wouldn't be too thrilled about committing to a girl who insisted on having a say in the ring she wanted beyond dropping some hints. Maybe I'm old fashioned. But I'm looking for a girl (and luckily I think I have found one) who is sappy enough that she'd love something just because it is something that I put a lot of effort into instead of doing what I perceive to be 'taking the easy way out' and having her to pick it out herself. In case there are others like me (and her) out there, I guess I was just suggesting that people advise posters to find out whether she wants to be involved in the selection in a way that doesn't ruin the surprise in case she is one of those who doesn't. That may require a few more helpful in-laws.

Why do people blame this point of view on being 'old fashion' or 'too traditional' when it truly sounds like you are selfish. You care more about being able to pick it out than giving a woman the option of choosing. Musey clearly laid out a plan where a mother, or friend, co-worker, ANYTHING could ask secretly just to get an idea so that the husband to be can choose something she likes without ruining the surprise. But this wasn't satisfactory was it? I'm thrilled I'm committing to a man who isn't so controlling. I think it's an ego thing to be quite frank. You need the woman to be satifised with your choice to stroke your ego.

MoonWater, can I adore you too? Move OVER Musey! You're hogging the MoonWater Love Train...

To me, this "she'll love it no matter what because it comes from ME" attitude smells almost like some passive aggressive game for a handful of men who seem to think that their taste in an ering is more important than their lady's taste. One thing I learned when shopping for my ering was that despite my "thinking" that I knew what I really wanted, what looked best on me was something quite different once I started trying things on! And I wouldn't have known that unless I'd had the opportunity to go shopping with and without my beloved. This is why so many of us here encourage guys to take their ladies shopping first. The proposal can still be a surprise but honestly, if one is proposing, one would assume that there has already been talk about getting married so it shouldn't be a total "Oh my GOD, we never even talked about it before!" To me, that would really be weird. Thank goodness I married a man secure enough with himself that he really just wants me to be happy and he's happy to let me choose the ring that speaks to me.

Dont change the setting yet...Let her see the heirloom and if she's not in love with it, shop together. There, I'm done. No more posting on this.

 

[Chase035]

Wow, I was merely stating the opinion I got from my girlfriend (repeat, from her) when I hinted at whether she wanted to be involved (yes I asked). She's the one who thinks its not romantic. And I agree because I love going through the effort of finding her EXACTLY what she'd want herself without ruining the surprise. But jeez. You're nice people.

It's actually disappointing how presumptious some of you were just now.

 

[Chase035]

Date: 11/5/2007 1:39:40 PM
Author: Chase035
What about a simple mark morrel setting? There was a nice, simple three prong setting posted on here a while back.

As for the heirloom, there are two camps on this issue. Some girls will be THRILLED. Some will be disappointed (in the same sort of way you may have been disappointed to get your brothers hand-me-downs instead of your own new clothes. My advice, and I strongly recommend this, is to use your grandmothers ring as a future anniversary present. It's not about what you like. It's about what will make her happy.

Sound like the words of someone who was being selfish? I admit I was looking to spark a debate of some sort. But the personal attacks were a bit third grade, no?

 

[musey]

Date: 11/6/2007 12:54:38 AM
Author: Chase035

I admit I was looking to spark a debate of some sort. But the personal attacks were a bit third grade, no?

Looking to "spark a debate" on this subject is what is "third grade," IMO. Especially when there''s a guy coming on here looking to "spark" this very same debate every two or three weeks. We''re all kinda spent on the subject.

 

[Siamese Kitty]

Date: 11/6/2007 1:46:02 AM
Author: musey

Date: 11/6/2007 12:54:38 AM
Author: Chase035

I admit I was looking to spark a debate of some sort. But the personal attacks were a bit third grade, no?

Looking to ''spark a debate'' on this subject is what is ''third grade,'' IMO. Especially when there''s a guy coming on here looking to ''spark'' this very same debate every two or three weeks. We''re all kinda spent on the subject.

I''ve been following this and I have to agree! Come on, Chase! We love that you stuck around, but some of your posts in this thread have been offensive. And you even admit in your promise ring thread that your gal indicated pretty much exactly what ring she''d like. What''s the difference?

(Not to mention that is a situation which is in and of itself unique, and probably wouldn''t be for everyone, and yet you suggest it to a man who IS ready to propose instead of making his girl wait 2 years) .

 

[Deelight]

Date: 11/5/2007 6:27:14 PM
Author: musey

Date: 11/5/2007 6:24:10 PM

Author: Ellen

Another vote for proposing with the setting it''s in, and then let her decide what she wants to do.

Ditto Ellen and all the others. And also apologies for going so OT in my last 2 posts--I need to learn to control my verbosity!

Ditto again if your worried about her reaction make it abundantly clear she can have that setting or choose another.

Personally if i was presented grandma''s ring hierloom ring I would want it in all it''s orignal glory

 

[iceman72]

Thanks for your input - i do have a BAD pic. that i''ll post now. It shows a side view of the setting so you all can get a sense of it. Hopefully some better pics will follow. My gut feeling at the present moment is that I should go ahead and take it out of this setting, get a very good independent appraisal, then have it reset before proposing. I know it may go against the grain of alot of my esteemed Pricescope friends, but I think getting this setting changed is a no brainer. I would really like to present the diamond in it''s best light with a gorgeous new setting and i feel that the hints she has given me will help me make a good choice.

 

[iceman72]

I hope to add something clearer of the stone, but here''s another bad one. LOL

 

[musey]

Actually, after seeing the setting, I completely agree with your choice to re-set before proposing. If it were a distinctly antiquey piece with millegrain or filligree work, etc., I'd say leave it--but the HIGH-set solitaire does kinda scream for a re-set, especially if you already know that that style isn't one she prefers.

The diamond sure looks like a sparkler!!

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 11/5/2007 11:55:56 PM
Author: Chase035
Wow, I was merely stating the opinion I got from my girlfriend (repeat, from her) when I hinted at whether she wanted to be involved (yes I asked). She's the one who thinks its not romantic. And I agree because I love going through the effort of finding her EXACTLY what she'd want herself without ruining the surprise. But jeez. You're nice people.

It's actually disappointing how presumptious some of you were just now.

I'm in dire need of a cup of coffee so I won't make a long drawn out post to you. But I highly recommend you read the post of yours that I quoted, focusing on the highlighted portion. You are the pot calling the kettle black buddy. If you don't wish to receive a tone, do not project one. If you were merely trying to express the view of your situation, perhaps you should learn the art of tact and articulation. Your post was offensive to all the ladies and their lovely SO's who want to or have chosen a setting together.

Love to musey and surfgil...

Now, about that coffee.....

 

[iceman72]

Here''s another.

 

[iceman72]

Here''s one more. Please let me know your thoughts.

 

[chrono]

I''d suggest a reset into a plain solitaire for the proposal, especially since it is very high set. If the original setting had some milgrain, or side diamonds, engraving, etc., my suggestion would have been to leave it alone.

 

[baby monster]

I think you should go ahead and reset it especially since your gf gave you a hint on what kind of setting she would like. If you''re looking for additional ideas, there are some lovely solitaire setting over at Show Me The Ring thread. The current setting is very high and would not be user-friendly in everyday life. Just think of trying to put on gloves...

 

[erica k]

wow, that is a really HIGH setting! there are quite a few Whiteflash Legato Sleekline rings on PS that are gorgeous and affordable. going custom or Mark Morrell might not make sense if there''s the possibility of changing the stone later on. can''t wait to hear what you decide to do!

 

[surfgirl]

See, iceman, this is why we needed pictures! Now that I see that the setting isn''t very stylized, and the setting head is "cathedral" style - very high up in the air, I''m more inclined to say re-set it now. She said she loves a plain Tiffany style setting, yes? If so, you can get lovely settings on WF that are very much like the Tiffany six prong setting - I cant remember the name of those settings but people here can tell you. Still, that said, until she sees it, you cant really know how much she''ll love it. I mean, if you set it now in something inexpensive, will you be able to just lose that money if she wants a higher quality simple setting? If so, then I''d put it into a low,prong setting - but get the setting from a vendor who will allow you to change the setting is she prefers something else...And please, clearer photos!

 

[WorkingHardforSmallRewards]

"She mentioned that she doesn't care for round cut stones."

I strongly encourage you to respect her stated preferences. I am strongly opposed to the idea of beginning a marriage by ignoring your wife's stated preferences for an opinion of your own, or for a theoretical possibility of how she might change her opinion with all the facts, whatever the motives are.


Given the information you have now I personally don't see any respectable and honorable way to do anything other than respect her desired wishes.


I personally would find some way to acquire more information even if you do buy a square shape diamond. but

If you can gather more information, information that is strong enough to contradict a direct stated preference, then that could obvoiusly change the situation. New information could well open up the doors for

An expensive loaded setting with a beautiful square halo, or any of the other possibilities here, they are all great pending further information. and Heck, if it came to it your mom could present it to her in a pendant as a "welcome to the family" gift--there are ALOT of angles and possiblities out there, but there is one that simply can not be ignored.

Right now, you have information that trumps your desire to pursue any of those other avenues.

Without any new information the simple fact is that you are planning for her to be your wife and you need to respect the things that she tells you--even if you disagree or think that there are better options.

If the ring is a symbol of your love for her, and a mark of your commitment to honor and respect her for the rest of your life, then I say respect her when

"She mentioned that she doesn't care for round cut stones."




(though if you are set on using it. I say pick out a few different settings, remove the diamond from that one and propose with it loose. Have a folder set up with images and locations of different settings, and be ready to take her around to try on the ones she picks. Offer her-- some plain platinum settings, some brilliant prong settings, and a couple nice square halo settings. Do all the leg work for her and give her the option of a few key settings, and have everything ready to happen real fast there after. or some variation allowing her easy input to the band--crucial in my opinion if you choose to ignore her diamond request)

 

[MoonWater]

Another vote for resetting! You could poke an eye out with that!!

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 11/5/2007 8:44:40 PM
Author: surfgirl

MoonWater, can I adore you too? Move OVER Musey! You''re hogging the MoonWater Love Train...

To me, this ''she''ll love it no matter what because it comes from ME'' attitude smells almost like some passive aggressive game for a handful of men who seem to think that their taste in an ering is more important than their lady''s taste. One thing I learned when shopping for my ering was that despite my ''thinking'' that I knew what I really wanted, what looked best on me was something quite different once I started trying things on! And I wouldn''t have known that unless I''d had the opportunity to go shopping with and without my beloved. This is why so many of us here encourage guys to take their ladies shopping first. The proposal can still be a surprise but honestly, if one is proposing, one would assume that there has already been talk about getting married so it shouldn''t be a total ''Oh my GOD, we never even talked about it before!'' To me, that would really be weird. Thank goodness I married a man secure enough with himself that he really just wants me to be happy and he''s happy to let me choose the ring that speaks to me.

Dont change the setting yet...Let her see the heirloom and if she''s not in love with it, shop together. There, I''m done. No more posting on this.

EXACTLY! I viewed hundreds of rings and hated them all. I tried on tons, hated them. Thought for sure I would go for a cushion. I tried it on and then tried on a round, and my bf and I both agreed the round looked better. I am utterly grateful I had the opportunity. I started this process having no idea what I wanted, how on Earth could I expect him to know? Anyone who believes there is some magical way of knowing simply because you love a person, must be living in Disneyland. Let me know when you find that glass slipper!

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 11/6/2007 12:53:46 PM
Author: WorkingHardforSmallRewards
''She mentioned that she doesn''t care for round cut stones.''

I strongly encourage you to respect her stated preferences.

Psst, read the rest of the thread first.

 

[surfgirl]

WHFSR, you haven''t read the thread, have you. PLEASE read the thread. We''re so far past this issue and posts that dont bother to read the entire thread simply complicate the issues and gunk up the conversation. Thanks.

FYI, he already spoke to her. She LOVES the idea of a family stone that is ROUND. For the love of all that''s holy, please read the entire threads before posting. Merci.

 

[Ellen]

Ok, after seeing the ring, my prior vote still stands.

Propose with the ring, and let her pick out the new setting.


Or, propose with just the diamond (take out of setting), and proceed.


Or, *gasp*, just propose, with nothing. My hubby did that, and I couldn't have been more pleased. He knew me well enough to know I'd want to pick my own out. And besides, the proposal isn't really about the ring anyway. At least, I don't think it should be.

I just can't see spending money on even a cheap setting, to me, it's a waste.


Actually, I offered 3 suggestions, so I guess my prior vote didn't stand, on it's own.

 

[mrssalvo]

Date: 11/6/2007 2:05:50 PM
Author: Ellen
Ok, after seeing the ring, my prior vote still stands.
Propose with the ring, and let her pick out the new setting.
Or, propose with just the diamond (take out of setting), and proceed.
Or, *gasp*, just propose, with nothing. My hubby did that, and I couldn't have been more pleased. He knew me well enough to know I'd want to pick my own out. And besides, the proposal isn't really about the ring anyway. At least, I don't think it should be.

I just can't see spending money on even a cheap setting, to me, it's a waste.
Actually, I offered 3 suggestions, so I guess my prior vote didn't stand, on it's own.

I haven't voted yet but agree with Ellen. My hubby also proposed with no ring and we went looking together. Since you've got the ring, she's knows it's a heirloom, just leave it as is, propose and then go setting shopping together. then you will have no doubt she will get exactly what she wants. setting shopping really is so much fun, let her be apart of it.

 

[Chase035]

Date: 11/6/2007 1:46:02 AM
Author: musey

Date: 11/6/2007 12:54:38 AM
Author: Chase035

I admit I was looking to spark a debate of some sort. But the personal attacks were a bit third grade, no?

Looking to ''spark a debate'' on this subject is what is ''third grade,'' IMO. Especially when there''s a guy coming on here looking to ''spark'' this very same debate every two or three weeks. We''re all kinda spent on the subject.

Look, the only reason I even raised this point in the first place (I haven''t been around long enough to know this has been addressed in the past) is that I''ve sensed a bias in favor of the "she''d rather be told and take part in the ring selection" position (which is understandable coming from diamond enthusiasts). With that said, I wanted to make sure that this advice wasn''t thrown around lightly, as there are many people out there who would find this unromantic and disappointing.

As for the promise ring, she has no clue. There are ways to do this without asking and still get her to spill her guts (as some people have suggested in this thread) so you can get her exactly what she wants. It just takes a little patience.

I still think some of you went way overboard with the presumptions. You make yourselves sound like blog-nazi''s. "READ THE WHOLE POST" "SEARCH FOR IT BEFORE YOU ASK THE SAME QUESTION OVER AND OVER AGAIN." Sure, these things would be nice. But when you have posters apologizing to you or asking for an apology, I think you''ve gone a bit over the top.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 11/6/2007 2:44:11 PM
Author: Chase035

Look, the only reason I even raised this point in the first place (I haven''t been around long enough to know this has been addressed in the past) is that I''ve sensed a bias in favor of the ''she''d rather be told and take part in the ring selection'' position (which is understandable coming from diamond enthusiasts). With that said, I wanted to make sure that this advice wasn''t thrown around lightly, as there are many people out there who would find this unromantic and disappointing.

Just for the record, I would have said that (and did feel that way) 26 years ago when I got engaged, and I didn''t know diddly squat about diamonds. It really doesn''t have as much to do about being a diamond enthusiast, as it does about simply wanting to help pick out what you''re going to stare at, possibly for the rest of your life, if not decades.

The ring should be a reflection of the womans personality...Who better to pick that out?

 

[psadmin]

Please keep the posts directed to helping the OP.

Thank You

 

[erica k]

I agree, the proposal shouldn''t be about the ring. Has anyone on PS proposed with the stone only? Or with the stone in a temporary setting?

If Iceman can find a setting that he believes she would love, then I don''t see anything wrong in re-setting before the proposal. If he thinks that she would enjoy the shopping experience, then he should hold off on the setting. Since she already knows about the stone, maybe he should talk to her about options? Or would this "ruin" the proposal? It certainly didn''t, in my case, since I''m a hands-on kind of person. I picked out the setting, but not the stone, and only saw images of the style on the designer''s website. Even armed with all this knowledge, I was surprised and pleased by the finished ring.

If the stone is going to be appraised, maybe it shouldn''t be put back in the original setting before the proposal. Or is it common practice for appraisers to put the stone back in its setting?

 

[Joolskie]

Hmmmmm, she expressed interest in a simple, classic setting right?!? Seeing the original setting which is the classic six-prong style but with the stone set a tad high... I would reset that bad boy into a new classic setting and let it rip. There are some stunningly gorgeous simple, classic styles out there...

A few that I love are...

The Whiteflash Sleek Line Legato
http://www.whiteflash.com/Engagement-Rings/Styles/Solitaire/-Legato--Sleek-Line_1118.htm

The Sunburst design from Mark Morrell
http://www.mwmjewelry.com/Petite_SunBurst_0.97ct._D-IF_sz5_/index.html

The Solitaire Classic by Leon Mege
http://www.artofplatinum.com/4images/details.php?image_id=315

And since you saving so much by using the heirloom stone... perhaps she could have a super sparkly wedding band to go with her meaningful and classic e-ring.

 

[vivianv]

Didn't the OP say when he asked her she was excited to get an "heirloom ring" not an heirloom stone? I'd give it to her intact as an heirloom ring [even though I agree it is not the most attractive setting] and let her pick out what she wants as a replacement setting.

 

[Rhea]

Date: 11/6/2007 3:54:36 PM
Author: vivianv
Didn''t the OP say when he asked her she was excited to get an ''heirloom ring'' not an heirloom stone? I''d give it to her intact as an heirloom ring [even though I agree it is not the most attractive setting] and let her pick out what she wants as a replacement setting.

Oh, good point!! I agree with Vivian.