Should I give her an heirloom ring?

[iceman72]

This is a little preliminary, but before i get too far... I have been posting on this forum for a few days as i search for an e-ring for my girlfriend. I was able to glean that she liked a simple solitaire setting and a princess cut diamond. She mentioned that she doesn''t care for round cut stones. With my budget, i was hoping to buy a .70-.75. carat diamond.

Fast forward to today. I was letting my mother know about my intention to propose, and she without hesitation offered me my grandmother''s ring. Round cut 1.25 carats!!! Now, i''m not sure of the quality, I asked her to look at the certificate (she had it appraised after my grandmother''s death) and send me some photos. i''m assuming it''s a good diamond.

So the question is: do you think the sentimental quality of the heirloom and the diamond''s size (bigger than i could afford otherwise)

will trump the fact that my girlfriend doesn''t like round cut stones? I for one think this would be a really cool idea to have my wife wearing my grandmother''s diamond. I would like to reset it for her i should add. I am sensitive though that if she really doesn''t like it, she''ll feel stuck with it forever - but i don''t want to ruin the surprise by showing it to her in advance.

ANY OPINIONS???

 

[galleygal]

I think that it is a great idea. You could have the setting custom made, that way it will be even more sentimental. Maybe put a thin cushion halo around the round diamond. A bigger diamond is always a plus. I think you should go for it!! Has your girlfriend ever tried on a round diamond?

 

[Ellen]

My "gut" reaction is, don't do it. I doubt sentimentality will make her like a different shape (that she's already said she doesn't like). I just wouldn't do it personally.

Sorry to be a kill joy.

 

[Cleopatra]

Here''s my thoughts....

I don''t like Pricess cuts - I prefer Round Brilliants. If my FI had presented me with a princess cut stone from his grandmother, I think I would be thrilled....The sentimental value of the stone reflects just how much you care for her....Your future wife wearing your grandmother''s stone...sounds lovely

 

[E B]

I agree with Ellen. If it's an option, how about offering it to her as a right hand ring? That way, she can politely decline (if she doesn't care for it) without the pressure.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 10/31/2007 2:48:27 PM
Author: EBree
I agree with Ellen. If it''s an option, how about offering it to her as a right hand ring? That way, she can politely decline (if she doesn''t care for it) without the pressure.

That''s exactly what I was coming back to say. And then yes, she can decline without fear of hurt feelings.

 

[iceman72]

She hasn''t tried on one as far as I know. But i''m thinking that a 1.25 carat rock could change her tune! She was pretty adamant about a ''simple'' setting though. Does anyone have an idea of how I could put it in a setting that would fit her needs?

 

[iceman72]

Could someone educate the poor disillusioned man about what a RIGHT HAND RING is?

 

[mimzy]

what a dilemma!

i would maybe take her to look at some rings and have her try on a RB in that size range and see what her reaction is. you could even straight up ask her if she still prefers the smaller princess cut. if you can''t take her yourself, let a friend of hers in on it and ask her to take her shopping and she could probably get an even more honest answer because she could ask her outright which she would prefer (whereas you might have to do it especially nonchalantly, and even then it might sound a little strange?). maybe you could get the friend to stress the timelessness (as some people view princess cuts as rather trendy) and superior sparkle of the RB and see if those arguments have any weight to it.


worst case, you could buy a princess cut from a vendor with a return policy, and propose with that, then afterwards let her choose. it might not be ideal, but you''ll definitely not disappoint her this way, AND you have the potential to thrill her even more than she already will be.

and there is always the option of setting the RB in a squarish halo. she''ll have to really like that look, but it could be an option.

 

[Lynn B]

Date: 10/31/2007 2:54:07 PM
Author: iceman72
Could someone educate the poor disillusioned man about what a RIGHT HAND RING is?

Haha, just any ring a girl wears on her right hand! (i.e., usually NOT an e-ring or w-ring!)

 

[sred2]

i agree with galleygal... you can always put a thin halo around it but make the halo a bit more square than round.. that way it will have a bit more of a princess shape rather than a full on rb. also, i LOVE the idea of giving your grandmother''s right. my bf has already asked his mom if there''s anything in his family to give but unfortunately there isn''t!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 10/31/2007 2:46:00 PM
Author: Ellen
My ''gut'' reaction is, don''t do it. I doubt sentimentality will make her like a different shape (that she''s already said she doesn''t like). I just wouldn''t do it personally.

Sorry to be a kill joy.

Really emphatically agree with Ellen here.....don''t use it for her e-ring.

Thank your mom; tell her it''s an amazing offer that you truly appreciate, but that you know your GF prefers princess cuts and you really want to pick the ring she''d like.

Sentimental pieces are nice, but I''m really not in favor of them for e-rings. If you want a sentimental piece, give it to her for an anniversary after you are married (maybe suggest this to your mom when you talk to her).

This forum has seen frequent posts over the years from ladies who were disappointed to receive an e-ring reflecting someone else''s taste. Also, while most people don''t like to think about it, engagements can be broken and you wouldn''t want a family heirloom at risk.

 

[galleygal]

I''m getting a round diamond center stone from my boyfriend. If he had a different cut stone that belonged to his grandmother and he wanted me to wear it, I would have loved to. I think it will mean even more if you have the setting custom made. It is true, having a bigger carat size diamond might change her mind. It might not? Personally, I would be honored that my future monther in law would even suggest that. Just my thought.

 

[cara]

Well, given that you don't want to ruin the "surprise" I think you must consider your girlfriend's stated preferences. Buy her the 3/4 ct princess, put it in a lovely solitaire setting, and propose. If she accepts, give her the lovely heirloom stone on a pendant as a wedding present. She'll spend much less time staring at her own neck than her hand over her lifetime.

There are many women out there that would prefer a 1.25 ct round over a 3/4 ct princess - I am certainly one of them. There are women out there that would prefer their guy not waste his money on a new stone when a family stone is available. But if I were a woman that really preferred square stones over rounds, I would be pretty annoyed if you ignored my preferences and "hints" over something I am supposed to wear for the rest of my life - even if done with the best intentions.

If you can't surmise your girlfriends feelings on the matter without "ruining the surprise" we peanuts on the internet certainly can't guess better!

Oh! There is a method, courtesy of Judith Martin (aka Miss Manners). Confide in your girlfriend's best friend, sister, mother, etc. about your dilemma. Someone whom you can trust to immediately break your confidence and spill the beans to your girlfriend, determine her preferences, and report back to you the answer. Then the illusion of surprise is maintained, but you can safely procede. Otherwise I stand by my first paragraph.

 

[iceman72]

Does anyone have a sample of the square halo that you could send me? A visual would really help in this case.

thanks,

 

[elmo]

Date: 10/31/2007 3:00:04 PM
Author: cara
Oh! There is a method, courtesy of Judith Martin (aka Miss Manners). Confide in your girlfriend''s best friend, sister, mother, etc. about your dilemma. Someone whom you can trust to immediately break your confidence and spill the beans to your girlfriend, determine her preferences, and report back to you the answer. Then the illusion of surprise is maintained, but you can safely procede.

That advice deserves a place in the FAQ

. Still laughing.

 

[iceman72]

Thanks Cara - I appreciate your help!

 

[aljdewey]

The halo idea is good....but honestly, not a substitute for a princess stone.

Most people who want a "princess cut" stone want it becuase it''s a princess stone.....not because it''s square. The want the romance of the name or they want the look that comes with that stone. Any square shape isn''t going to be the same, so I''d discourage the halo idea. It feels more like "how to make my round peg fit into a square hole".

 

[galleygal]

Here is a setting I was looking at. I went into the store and tried it on with a round in the center and I was blown away. Very elegant and very simple. I REALLY loved this one with a round in the center.
http://www.heartsonfire.com/#/us/en-us/diamond-collection/view-details.php?item_id=1897&item_name=Repertoire%20Dream%20Solitaire&style_name=RepRD&type_id=1&type_name=Rings&subtype_id=1&subtype_name=Engagement%20Rings

 

[iceman72]

Yes I think you''re right. She did say a "square" cut, not a princess specifically. But i see the point.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 10/31/2007 2:58:46 PM
Author: aljdewey

Really emphatically agree with Ellen here.....don''t use it for her e-ring.

Thank your mom; tell her it''s an amazing offer that you truly appreciate, but that you know your GF prefers princess cuts and you really want to pick the ring she''d like.

Sentimental pieces are nice, but I''m really not in favor of them for e-rings. If you want a sentimental piece, give it to her for an anniversary after you are married (maybe suggest this to your mom when you talk to her).

This forum has seen frequent posts over the years from ladies who were disappointed to receive an e-ring reflecting someone else''s taste. Also, while most people don''t like to think about it, engagements can be broken and you wouldn''t want a family heirloom at risk.

Two excellent points made here.


The thing is, sure, you can halo it, make it look square, but in the end, it still won''t be what she wanted. If you get her what she wants, you can also give her the heirloom, in whatever way you want (ring, pendent, etc.) and she can wear it if she likes, or not. If she does like it, she got her cake and gets to eat it too. If she doesn''t like it, she still has the most important thing at issue here, the Ering she wanted.

 

[oshinbreez]

I''m one that usually doesn''t agree with everyone else.

I personally don''t care for round diamonds....BUT I LOVE the old rounds....European and Mine cuts. Since it was your grandmothers ring, it''s possible to be one of the old cuts. They have a different personality than the modern round brilliants.
With that being said, I would love the sentimentality. I''d also want to keep the ring "as is" most likely.

 

[SuLi]

Is there a way for you to gauge how she might feel receiving an heirloom. Say, have her best friend somehow bring up whether or not she would want an heirloom ring, even if the center stone was not her ideal shape. Maybe she can casually bring it up?

Or, if she doesn't like the round stone, maybe have it set as a pendant to give to her as a wedding present. It would make the perfect "something old".

 

[surfgirl]

If it''s a great stone, then she might love it? I know guys love to surprise their ladies with no knowledge of the ering but in this case I would seriously advise you to take her shopping and let her try on princess and ECs in the .70ct range, then let her try on a 1.25ct round and see what she prefers. You could just say "So...exactly HOW much do you prefer the square cuts honey (and assuming she means ECs, they are MUCH smaller than a round of the same carat weight!)? Would you prefer that smaller EC/square cut to, say, that awesomely huge 1.25 ct round? What if I had access to something in that 1.25 size that I could afford? Would you prefer that since it''s bigger? What about if it was a family heirloom?" Make it funny and see what she says. You dont have to actually show it to her first, just see what she says. If she''d prefer the larger heirloom, I would NOT get it re set until after you propose and present it to her. You never really know how she''s going to feel about it until it''s on her finger. She might love it and not want to change it at all... ASK HER! I beg of you...

 

[Fly Girl]

I recommend that you simply ask your wife-to-be what her preference would be. You can ask us as much as you want, but her opinion is the only one that matters. One option : You propose with the heirloom ring, but tell her that her options for a new engagement ring are entirely open. Then pick it out together if that is her preference.

I for sure would not reset the heirloom ring without discussing it with her.

After 31 years of marriage, I maintain that good communication trumps a bad (and possibly very expensive) surprise any day.

 

[iceman72]

Fly girl - et. al. thanks a million. great ideas all around!

 

[baby monster]

I agree with previous posters that you should just ask one of her close friends or even bring it up in casual conversation as a hypothetical question. Something along the lines of "One of my co-workers is getting engaged and his gf is your age. He has his grandma''s ring. Do you think she''d like the heirloom diamond or should he go buy a new stone?"

If your gf is quick on the uptake, she''ll tell you exactly what she wants

.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 10/31/2007 3:29:26 PM
Author: baby monster
I agree with previous posters that you should just ask one of her close friends or even bring it up in casual conversation as a hypothetical question. Something along the lines of ''One of my co-workers is getting engaged and his gf is your age. He has his grandma''s ring. Do you think she''d like the heirloom diamond or should he go buy a new stone?''

If your gf is quick on the uptake, she''ll tell you exactly what she wants

.

You left something out though. Be sure to add, the heirloom is a shape she''s already stated she doesn''t like.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 10/31/2007 3:26:28 PM
Author: Fly Girl
I recommend that you simply ask your wife-to-be what her preference would be.

After 31 years of marriage, I maintain that good communication trumps a bad (and possibly very expensive) surprise any day.

I wish we could post this comment to the top of every forum on this board.

Surprises are overrated. In today's world, most couples heading toward marriage have discussed it more than once, so any notion of "surprise" is really an illusion. The surprise that men should focus on is the "how/when I will propose" and not "she cannot know that a proposal is coming at all, so I can't learn about her preferences."

This notion that it's somehow less romantic if she knows it's coming is hogwash. TRUST ME....she knows a proposal is probably forthcoming, so trying to pretend otherwise is futile. LOL

 

[LadyAmythyst69]

I''m all for straight up asking her which she would prefer as an engagement ring. If she sticks with wanting a square cut then I would give the other ring to her as a first anniversary or a gift on the birth of your first child.