Should I give her an heirloom ring?

[Joolskie]

Date: 10/31/2007 3:44:30 PM
Author: aljdewey

Date: 10/31/2007 3:26:28 PM

Author: Fly Girl

I recommend that you simply ask your wife-to-be what her preference would be.


After 31 years of marriage, I maintain that good communication trumps a bad (and possibly very expensive) surprise any day.

I wish we could post this comment to the top of every forum on this board.


Surprises are overrated. In today's world, most couples heading toward marriage have discussed it more than once, so any notion of 'surprise' is really an illusion. The surprise that men should focus on is the 'how/when I will propose' and not 'she cannot know that a proposal is coming at all, so I can't learn about her preferences.'


This notion that it's somehow less romantic if she knows it's coming is hogwash. TRUST ME....she knows a proposal is probably forthcoming, so trying to pretend otherwise is futile. LOL

I wholeheartedly agree. It was no surprise to me that DH and I wanted to get married... we had discussed it! We also discussed what I would prefer in a ring and spent time looking at different options. DH knew exactly what my tastes were and I left it at that. I did not actually pick out the stone or setting... but he knew my preferences.

The proposal came as a HUGE surprise! Even though we had planned on getting married and we had planned the ring together... he took my breath away.

All of this said... if my husband had a heirloom diamond, I would have been honored to wear it. A gorgeous 1.25 carat RB that belonged to his grandmother?!?!?! Wow. That would mean so very much to me. Alas, my DH is the youngest of six, three of which are his sisters. So no heirlooms have been making through his three sisters, past his two brothers and then to him. LOL!

I would bring up the heirloom stone. You are willing to reset so there is a lot of possibility when it comes to customizing it to her tastes. While she is really into the squares stones, a 1.25 heirloom RB might be something she would truly love. She just needs to know it exists as an option. You can bring it up casually.

Either way, I can't wait to hear the decision!

 

[MustangGal]

My thoughts are go ahead with the surprise, and use your grandmothers ring, but let her know that if she doesn''t like it and still wants a square, then you can go pick one out together. Then you still get your surprise, and she gets a choice.

 

[CrookedRock]

Wow! I am sitting here with a little grin on my face... This happened to be the topic of conversation last night and this morning with my BF. Your GF sounds a lot like myself. I too do not really care for RB's, they just don't look right on me.

My BF recently mentioned to his Mom his plans. She too offered to supply a family diamond, not a particular one though, he was given his choice. He mentioned it to me, and told me that there were no Radiant's, which is what I have had my heart set on. I asked him to give me a few days to really think about how I felt about an heirloom as an ering. (here is my post regarding my issue) Family Jewels

The follow up to that post is this:

I am very flattered about being offered a family jewel, but I really feel like I would prefer the Ering to be a gift from him. I told him that I would be honored to wear something from the family, but just not as my ERing.

I think you really need to investigate her feelings about the RB's further. I personally already know what I want, and it sounds like she does too, and it is something that she will have forever, make sure she is going to love it!!!

Side note... I really like that hearts on fire setting that was posted!

 

[sera]

I would definitely suggest you ASK her if she would like a .75ct princess or 1.25 round, because I know I would not want the larger round diamond as my e-ring. I would be willing (for the sentimental reasons) to wear it as a right hand ring.

IF she would like the round but with a squarish halo, here is an example:

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 10/31/2007 4:10:30 PM
Author: MustangGal
My thoughts are go ahead with the surprise, and use your grandmothers ring, but let her know that if she doesn''t like it and still wants a square, then you can go pick one out together. Then you still get your surprise, and she gets a choice.

I was skimming all of the replies before responding because THIS was going to be my advice. I think it''s the best of both. If she sees how big the stone is and actually turns out to like the shape and the sentimental value, great. If not, she still got a great proposal, knows that you offered her an heirloom, and she still gets to pick out her square diamond.

 

[iceman72]

I must say - all of you ladies are great. I love having all the angles! Many thanks!

 

[Fly Girl]

Date: 10/31/2007 4:25:40 PM
Author: iceman72
I must say - all of you ladies are great. I love having all the angles! Many thanks!

You''re welcome! And, we love giving advice!!!

Do let us know how it all works out!! We love hearing the rest of the story!!

 

[somethingshiny]

I just skimmed the posts so it may have already been said, but, is she a sentimentalist? When my DH and I got engaged I did NOT want a round, but if it had been his grandma''s (one half of a long, loving marriage) I would have LOVED it.

Good Luck on the decision and the proposal!

 

[baby monster]

Iceman, can you post the pictures of the ring when your mom sends them to you? A lot of us here love old cuts and antique jewelry

 

[iceman72]

absolutely! the least i can do to say thanks. (if she can figure out how to send them to me!)

 

[:)]

I also was wondering if since it was your g-mas if it is perhaps an OEC or other (instead of the more modern round brilliant)

Also if she does not like rounds and specified only ''square'' you really should find out if she wants a princess, asscher, etc. Very different looks.

I also think you really should just ask her if she would prefer your gmas stone (once we figure out if it is a RB, OEC, etc!) versus a ''surprise'' from you.

 

[iceman72]

PS. Please educate me - what does OEC mean? how will i know if have one?

 

[:)]

Hee hee - OEC is ''Old European Cut'' - a round cut prior to the more modern round brilliants (=RB) many of us on here swoon for them. They are round in shape with larger chunky facets. I think Surfgirl''s looks like an OEC (gorgeous!) - lemme see if I can find you a link!

 

[:)]

linky..
http://www.langantiques.com/content/diamondcuts.html

 

[cinnamon013]

Do you have photos of the ring yet that your mother would give you?

A lot of this also hinges on the quality of the diamond. If it is indeed a lovely stone, it seems to me a square halo would make this an awesome opportunity!

For the size princess you are looking at, it will not measure very large. She may prefer a small, more petite look in the "square" she mentions to prefer. She may also want to know about the "opportunity" to go with a 1.25 round.

My advice is this, if you are planning on marrying this person, then there is no greater quality to have in a marriage than good communication. To start your marriage on good grounds, I''d set aside any hard feelings you (or your mother) may get as a result of rejection of the stone. Bottom line, you want the future Mrs. to be happy. I''d tell her that a 1.25 round stone has been offered, and you''d love to see if she would be interested in setting it in a design that she would love. State that you''ve not yet seen the stone, so you are not even sure if you will like it yet. State that you want to get her what she desires, but don''t want to skip the offering of a round just in case she would like to take a look at the stone and consider if something like a lovely square halo with pave might make it a beautiful e-ring that she would adore. Have a couple of pictures of Leon Mege''s work on hand to show her the lovely look of a round with a square halo. This guy is a master and you can afford the setting if the stone is already provided.

You are already taking her feelings into account by getting looking into getting her a princess. I know you want the element of surprise as part of this proposal, but especially with women who have preferences, selecting the ring should be a joint venture. You can certainly surprise her with a lovely proposal.

If she takes a look at the photos of your grandmothers ring and seems hesitant, but interested...then have your mother send it to you insured for a look see. Tell your future fiance that when you receive it and view it, you can take some time together to consider it. If after time to see it and ponder, she falls in love with the stone and the idea, it will be magical. Be completely open (as a testament to how you will be in marriage), and give her full freedom to say she would rather have a stone of her own. Tell her this laid back approach is in no way meant to be pushy. Things like taking the stone to the jewelry store and comparing it to a .7 princess will help if she is "on the fence" about the stone.

If she takes a look and says, "nice, but I really like square", so that''s no problem at all. You just wanted to make sure and pass it by her so she would be aware. Then start shopping for a AGS Ideal Princess!

Just so you know, your mom might not be willing to give it to her for a right hand ring or a necklace. Some time in the future, it might wind up on your girl''s hand any way, though. Maybe at the birth of your first baby, or maybe once you''ve been married a while and she wants a bigger, more notable diamond. Your mom may choose some special time to present it to her as a gift to a lovely inherited daughter in law. Your mom sounds very generous and must like her very much to offer it without hesitation. Just make sure you fully discuss with your mother your plans to offer the stone, but that you don''t want to force the stone. Ask your mom to be understanding of individuality.

FYI, the stone shape can appear dramatically different based on the setting. You can create a beautiful ring with a square or a round, and there are hundreds of different settings to choose from.

Best wishes!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 10/31/2007 4:10:30 PM
Author: MustangGal
My thoughts are go ahead with the surprise, and use your grandmothers ring, but let her know that if she doesn''t like it and still wants a square, then you can go pick one out together. Then you still get your surprise, and she gets a choice.

While I get the concept here, I think it really has the capacity to put someone in a tough position.

If I were the woman in that situation, I''d feel like it was really no-win. NO WAY would I want to offend anyone by saying I didn''t like it. Also, hard to know what others will think of that. I''m not one for worrying about what others think, believe me.....but that said, I think it would bother me that others in his family may think I lacked emotion by wanting my own ring. Even if it''s ok with him, it might cause undue judgments from others.

I really don''t think I''d want to be in that position, and I''m a pretty direct, blunt, "this-is-what-I-think" kinda gal. I can easily see where someone will less confidence would feel obligated to say "oh, it''s very nice and of course I''d keep it" while secretly wanting something else.

Just my take on it.

 

[Diamond*Dana]

Search for the member Metro, she has a gorgeous RB set in a square halo. I think that you should propose with your grandmothers ring, but tell her that she can reset that stone or get a whole new stone/ring.

 

[iceman72]

aljdewey,

that''s just what i think could happen with my gal...she gets along great with my mom and wouldn''t want to offend. still - i would definitely not want to miss the opportunity of giving her this option.....there''s the dilemma.

 

[cinnamon013]

I wanted to add that a diamond of that age is likely either OEC or OMC and could be beautiful. It also has a slightly different appearance than today's moden rb's and as such, may have a different type of appeal to your girlfriend.

Pictures?

Also, some appraisals are way too inflated. It really depends on who did the appraisal.

 

[TravelingGal]

Iceman, here''s a timely post from a LIW on pricescope that shows the other side of the coin a bit...

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/please-help.71668/

 

[iceman72]

interesting - tgal

 

[Pandora II]

Hmm, I really hate princess cuts (never seen one that I would want to own), so I''m trying to put myself in her shoes other way round...

I think RB''s are just so much more versatile when it comes to settings - and the good ones are more sparkly

.

My suggestion would be to ditch the surprise - which just seems weird to me and deeply worrying!

Ask her if she would like to go and try on some princess and some rb rings in the same sizes as she would be getting. If she went for the rb, you could get Leon Mege to do an amazing setting with the $ you would have spent on the stone.

 

[mrssalvo]

If it were me, I''d want the option, but I simply adore antique rings so I''d probably give up my dream stone (a cushion) for a bigger family ring if I liked it. there is no way to know though without showing it to her and like others have mentioned if she would be at all worried about hurting someone''s feelings she may not be completely honest. Maybe you can let her see it and say she can have it as her e-ring if she likes it and if not, reset the stone into a pendant or right hand ring or whatever she wants and you''ll buy her the princess. I do think the''re are some fabulous settings of round stones in square halo''s but if she wants a princess, you should give her the princess. option b would be propose with the princess and then offer her the round sometime in the future. my grandmother started with a princess and then inherited a very large old european cut diamond ring and switched to the heirloom piece putting her original princess in a safe deposit box. it''s just hard to say what she would do. bottom line, like others have said, you''re probably just going to have to ask her

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Get what she likes, tell her about the heirloom later....

 

[surfgirl]

iceman, I have a Transitional Cut (between an Old European Cut - OEC - and a modern round brilliant)..If you look at my avatar, you'll notice that the faceting is what I like to call "chunky monkey" facets. They're bigger and therefore throw off chunkier fire bursts and they shimmer in a very different way to modern round brilliants (RBs). RBs are spikier in their faceting (IMO) and throw a lot of white light back up AT you, but older cuts tend to draw you INTO them, sort of like a pool of water, but a shimmery pool... If you want to see more, check here...
https://www.pricescope.com/forum/op-requested/at-last-my-antique-ering-t61580.html

 

[Sharon101]

Date: 10/31/2007 2:52:46 PM
Author: iceman72
She hasn''t tried on one as far as I know. But i''m thinking that a 1.25 carat rock could change her tune! She was pretty adamant about a ''simple'' setting though. Does anyone have an idea of how I could put it in a setting that would fit her needs?

I think the large size and sentimental value will really sway her. She can always get it set in a square type setting ie squarish halo w3hich is still very simple imo.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 10/31/2007 5:07:14 PM
Author: iceman72
aljdewey,

that''s just what i think could happen with my gal...she gets along great with my mom and wouldn''t want to offend. still - i would definitely not want to miss the opportunity of giving her this option.....there''s the dilemma.

Then please......ask her. Give her the option.

Tell her that you both know where you''re headed, and you''ve begun to do some homework. In doing so, you''ve learned that you have the option to use your grandmother''s stone, and while it''s bigger than what you''d be able to swing in buying a square stone, you know it''s not her preferred shape. Tell her you''d like to know what SHE''D want in that situation, and that the discussion will be just between the two of you.

If she decides she really wants the square, you can just say to Mom, "Well, since I''m pretty sure she''d really want a square, I''m going to go for that for now, but I''d like to use grandma''s stone for a wedding pendant/anniversary gift." You don''t have to disclose to anyone else that you sought your GF''s input.

 

[neatfreak]

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE ask her! Or else don't do it. Trust me, a girl that has very clear stated preferences will be ticked off at least a bit that you didn't listen to her, unless you TALK TO HER first. It's worth ruining the "surprise" to know the truth.

Otherwise, if you MUST keep it a secret, buy a princess solitaire from a place with a full return policy, propose well within the time frame, THEN let her know about the heirloom ring and tell her that you wanted to make sure she got what SHE wanted (so thus why you bought the princess, because you LISTENED), but that you wanted to let her know that the other option was out there if she would prefer a big stone.

In my experience girls who are really about size (and many of the girls who posted here are-nothing wrong with it, just a different perspective) let their BF's know that SIZE is their priority. If she didn't let you know this, and instead said SHAPE was her priority, listen to her! Please!

ETA: ALSO on the halo setting note, a halo is ANYTHING but simple. So if she said she wants simple, she does NOT want a halo. So please don't go that route again without checking first...

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 10/31/2007 6:36:43 PM
Author: Sharon101

I think the large size and sentimental value will really sway her. She can always get it set in a square type setting ie squarish halo w3hich is still very simple imo.

I respect that''s your opinion. On the other hand, I don''t know how any of us can say what we think will sway her because we don''t know her.....so we don''t know if she cares about size the way we do, or sentimentality the way we do. He himself isn''t sure, and he knows her well!

Trying to speculate what will move *her* is really just an uninformed random guess for any of us at this point.

Size isn''t the most important thing to everyone. It is to some; it''s not to others. Believe me when I tell you that I tell you that the size and sentimentality wouldn''t have swayed me if I had been given a 2 ct. family-born marquise stone (which I don''t personally care for) instead of the much smaller round stone I received (and was thrilled with).

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 10/31/2007 6:43:07 PM
Author: neatfreak
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE ask her! Or else don''t do it. Trust me, a girl that has very clear stated preferences will be ticked off at least a bit that you didn''t listen to her, unless you TALK TO HER first. It''s worth ruining the ''surprise'' to know the truth.

Otherwise, if you MUST keep it a secret, buy a princess solitaire from a place with a full return policy, propose well within the time frame, THEN let her know about the heirloom ring and tell her that you wanted to make sure she got what SHE wanted (so thus why you bought the princess, because you LISTENED), but that you wanted to let her know that the other option was out there if she would prefer a big stone.

Can I make an alternate suggestion?

Don''t propose with a ring you might return. If you really want to propose with something, I''d suggest you choose another piece of jewelry that she can keep either way. Propose with a birthstone ring that she can keep, a simple diamond necklace with a small princess stone that she can wear, or even a small sapphire ring that can be her ''something blue'' for your wedding day.

Propose with that (which keeps the element of surprise for the proposal), and tell her that you want her help picking the ring. You have the heirloom piece or you can shop for the princess stone - her choice.