Should I give her an heirloom ring?

[ang3199]

Date: 11/5/2007 10:12:03 AM
Author: iceman72
This may seem like a dumb question, but - She has told me that she wanted a very simple solitaire setting (no sidestones, no channel-set), so i thought i could go ahead and pick it out. Are there enough variations of the solitaire that I should let her see it first? I think part of me wanted me to change the setting is that it''s lost a little luster over the years, not to mention i think it looks dated.

IMHO, Ice, if I had picked out my ering setting I would have chosen a thin dainty band to boost the center stone and make it the star. So if she says she would like the solitaire setting, go for it.

Just remember, you must post pictures!!!

 

[surfgirl]

Before you do anything, please post photos here first!

As for the setting, why not propose with the ring as is, and let the selection of the setting be something you two do together? It can be so much fun choosing a ring/setting!

 

[Chase035]

What about a simple mark morrel setting? There was a nice, simple three prong setting posted on here a while back.

As for the heirloom, there are two camps on this issue. Some girls will be THRILLED. Some will be disappointed (in the same sort of way you may have been disappointed to get your brothers hand-me-downs instead of your own new clothes. My advice, and I strongly recommend this, is to use your grandmothers ring as a future anniversary present. It''s not about what you like. It''s about what will make her happy.

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 11/5/2007 1:39:40 PM
Author: Chase035
What about a simple mark morrel setting? There was a nice, simple three prong setting posted on here a while back.


As for the heirloom, there are two camps on this issue. Some girls will be THRILLED. Some will be disappointed (in the same sort of way you may have been disappointed to get your brothers hand-me-downs instead of your own new clothes. My advice, and I strongly recommend this, is to use your grandmothers ring as a future anniversary present. It''s not about what you like. It''s about what will make her happy.

Did you read the entire thread? Because he''s already discussed it with her...

 

[Chase035]

I thought you said she wanted a simple setting. Many of these settings are far from simple. Here is a unique yet simple platinum setting from Mark Morrell. Maybe he could design something similar for a princess cut.

 

[Chase035]

oops, haha no i didn't. My "oh crap hurry up and warn him" instinct kicked in around page 2. But glad it worked out. That MM setting may still be helpful now that he's going with the RB.

 

[tberube]

bigger is better.
less expensive is better.
Heirloom is priceless.
Many squares, like princess cuts, are trendy and will go out of style.
RBs are classic and will never go out of style.

In my pattern of logic, I''d be with the RB all the way. Not to mention: I, like your girlfriend, happen to prefer square cuts over rounds (except princesses - ew, IMO). But I would take an heirloom 1.25ct RB ANY DAY.

 

[iceman72]

To the peanut gallery:

Do you think i should have it reset before i propose? Or is the consensus to propose as is and get it reset together? I think the setting that it''s in now is very dated.

Thanks for your input.

 

[Diamond*Dana]

Do you have any pictures yet? She may like for the two of you to pick out a setting together, I don''t know.

 

[MustangGal]

I would just propose as is, and go pick out a setting together. Now that you don''t have to buy a diamond, you could spend more on the setting. I know she has said she wanted a plain soltaire, but there''s a huge amount of style difference even in a simple mounting.

 

[chrono]

I would propose as is; she may end up liking the original setting (more money saved and antique setting "saved" too). Or she may decide the setting does not suit her, then you both can go shopping together for something agreeable.

 

[:)]

Date: 11/5/2007 3:59:38 PM
Author: iceman72
To the peanut gallery:

Do you think i should have it reset before i propose? Or is the consensus to propose as is and get it reset together? I think the setting that it''s in now is very dated.

Thanks for your input.

LOL! Haha, as an official member of the peanut gallery I think you could either 1. set it in a simple solitaire setting for $200-300 and propose with that and change it if she wants or 2. take her with you to choose what you both like but not tell her when you are setting it or when she will get it

If you are a bit bummed about ''giving away'' your plans (I know we pushed you pretty hard but I truly think you did the right thing!) and would like to still have a bigger element of surprise, I think a plain solitaire setting would be lovely and you could offer at the time you present it to her to reset it together if she would like (provided you would not be bummed to be out $200-300 if she did not want the solitaire setting). I wouldn''t recommend going any farther than a plain setting without her input. Just my two peanuts!

 

[Rhea]

I''d say that if it''s her colour (yellow vs white coloured metals) then leave it as is. She may like it or you could decide to get something else together. If it''s not her colour, change it to a simple solitaire setting.

 

[Chase035]

This case aside, what''s with all the girls out there who are very pushy about the girl taking part in picking out her own engagement ring??? I think I understand where you''re coming from, it''s something you are going to have to wear and therefore want to have your say. But this isn''t some typical xmas gift and the like. It''s a symbol of his love and commitment to you. I think it''s a product of the fact that many people here are diamond nuts, and therefore want to be overly involved in the process. But be careful in how you are advising others. From experience, there are many girls out there who would be truly disappointed if the guy ruined the surprise and romance of it (in their opinion), by having her pick out her own ring. These girls belong to the "I will LOVE it because it is something he picked out himself and put a lot of effort into and I''d never want it any other way." Not saying all girls are like that, and like another poster said, if you don''t know which camp she''d fall into, you probably don''t know her enough to propose yet. But be careful what advice you are dispersing. Not all soon to be fiances are as interested in choosing their own ring beyond the occasional hint here or there.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 11/5/2007 4:39:16 PM
Author: Chrono
I would propose as is; she may end up liking the original setting (more money saved and antique setting ''saved'' too). Or she may decide the setting does not suit her, then you both can go shopping together for something agreeable.

Makes sense to me.

 

[Chase035]

A suggestion for others. If it is possible in your situation, buy her a promise ring years before its time for the big one so it will be far enough away to maintain the surprise in the future. When she receives it, you'll get tons of feedback about what she likes/doesn't like and how involved she'd like to be in the process down the line. Plus she'll have a nice shiny present that will make her very happy.

 

[musey]

Date: 11/5/2007 5:14:42 PM
Author: Chase035

I think I understand where you're coming from, it's something you are going to have to wear and therefore want to have your say. But this isn't some typical xmas gift and the like.

I think that that's precisely why so many people on PS advocate giving her a chance to give input. It isn't just a gift, it can be seen as a symbol of your love and your marriage. I personally loved that we chose my ring together and that each of us had equal say in the design--and what better symbol for our relationship and future marriage, than such an important purchase that we both gave equal input toward? Besides, if the "she" in question doesn't want to give input, she'll make it known. But many of us feel that the girlfriend would likely be happiest if at least given the option.

But be careful in how you are advising others. From experience, there are many girls out there who would be truly disappointed if the guy ruined the surprise and romance of it (in their opinion), by having her pick out her own ring. These girls belong to the 'I will LOVE it because it is something he picked out himself and put a lot of effort into and I'd never want it any other way.' Not saying all girls are like that, and like another poster said, if you don't know which camp she'd fall into, you probably don't know her enough to propose yet. But be careful what advice you are dispersing. Not all soon to be fiances are as interested in choosing their own ring beyond the occasional hint here or there.

Again, I don't think anyone suggests FORCING a girl to choose her own ring. Many PSers (myself included) just strongly encourage these guys to figure out if she would like a hand in it.

There's a big difference between what you're inferring (a guy flat-out asking his girlfriend what she wants or to plain choose it) -vs.- him having her best friend (or whomever) ask if she wants to have input on her engagement ring or not. There is no surprise ruined in giving her the option, and especially if someone other than her guy asks her about it, it doesn't even ruin the surprise that the proposal is coming.


ETA: Just realized that that last pp may be confusing... I'm suggesting a conversation like this:

Mom: "If Bob were to propose, do you think you'd like to choose the ring together or just let him do the choosing?"
Daughter: "I don't know, I guess I would love to just be surprised!"
Mom: "Well, when that time comes, I'm sure he'll know what to do..." ...(because I'll tell him, muahahaha

)
-then-
Mom (to Bob): "Susan wants you to just choose it yourself, so don't mention it to her!"
Bob: "Okay, great sleuthing skills, future-Mom-in-law!"

That way, mom just seems like a Nosy Nancy (much like many moms out there), when she was actually trying to help Bob orchestrate his upcoming ring purchase slash proposal to her daughter. Bob now knows the best way to go about things, but Susan is none the wiser.

 

[Chase035]

well now, if we all had in-laws like that we'd be set : P

I know I'm probably igniting a firey response from many of the ladies in the peanut gallery who disagree, but personally, I wouldn't be too thrilled about committing to a girl who insisted on having a say in the ring she wanted beyond dropping some hints. Maybe I'm old fashioned. But I'm looking for a girl (and luckily I think I have found one) who is sappy enough that she'd love something just because it is something that I put a lot of effort into instead of doing what I perceive to be 'taking the easy way out' and having her to pick it out herself. In case there are others like me (and her) out there, I guess I was just suggesting that people advise posters to find out whether she wants to be involved in the selection in a way that doesn't ruin the surprise in case she is one of those who doesn't. That may require a few more helpful in-laws.

 

[musey]

Date: 11/5/2007 5:50:45 PM
Author: Chase035
well now, if we all had in-laws like that we'd be set : P

I know I'm probably igniting a firey response from many of the ladies in the peanut gallery who disagree, but personally, I wouldn't be too thrilled about committing to a girl who insisted on having a say in the ring she wanted beyond dropping some hints. Maybe I'm old fashioned. But I'm looking for a girl (and luckily I think I have found one) who is sappy enough that she'd love something just because it is something that I put a lot of effort into...

It doesn't have to be a mother-in-law. Does she have any close friends? How hard could it possibly be to find one willing to prod her a little? If there isn't one you'd feel comfortable asking, I think there are bigger issues (why wouldn't a guy be on friendly enough terms with her friends to do so?).

I think you'd be hard-pressed, even among the adamant "she should have a say" folk on here, to find any woman who would "insist" upon having a say and wouldn't "love something just because you put a lot of effort into it." If my FI had chosen the ring all by himself, I would have worn it with pride (even if it weren't my personal taste). The topic came up before he had begun his search, and I voiced my desire to have a hand in the process--more because I LOVE that kind of thing and thought it would be very fun to do together than that I required it "meet me standards."

...instead of doing what I perceive to be 'taking the easy way out' and having her to pick it out herself.

Of everything you said, this I do find slightly offensive. My FI absolutely did not take the easy way out by allowing me to help him with the shopping process. His choice to involve me was one made out of love and respect, and proof of our very equal partnership. It also meant a more painstaking process, lots of give and take on BOTH our parts... in order to find something we both loved. You're lumping that kind of experience in with "hey wanna get engaged? Here's $5,000, let me know what you choose." They are absolutely NOT the same thing. Life is not that black and white, and neither is any large purchase.

Again, and I feel that this is the point that isn't getting across, it is a matter of allowing her to be involved if she'd like to be, not of handing over all responsibility of the purchase to her, then just footing the bill. HUGE difference.


ETA: We see it so often on here, and I have to say I just don't understand some of the men with the perspective that allowing her to help chose this oh-so-important piece equals a loss of all romance. I found the entire process incredibly romantic, as did my FI! It spawned countless "could this be the ring we look at for the rest of our life" moments, tons of "I am so happy we've chosen to get married" moments... there was nothing more romantic to me then stretching it out and taking our time--TOGETHER. I imagine the first home purchase is probably very similar in that regard (we're not there yet!).

These are the same guys who (like you, Chase) always say how "lucky" they are to have found someone so wonderful as to love them for themselves and not the ring--as though the couples who choose together somehow are "lesser" or "more materialistic." The materialism of the engagement ring can't really be denied no matter HOW you cut it--but at least in shopping together, we're making it a joint experience and making sure each of us is as happy with that investment as the other.

Eh, to each his/her own. And that's why choosing together works for some couples, and not others. And also why we get the occasional "help--I hate the ring my fiance chose for me!" thread on here

 

[Joolskie]

I would propose with the stone and setting as is... as she has already expressed her feelings regarding the heirloom stone. She just might truly love having the whole heirloom experience with stone and setting! But, you can also make it clear that if she would prefer to have the stone set into the setting of her choice... that is totally cool and you will work together to give her the ring of her dreams.

And I must admit... I am DYING to see this heirloom ring!!!!

I, uh, think it would be an extremely important part of the decision process for the entire Pricescope community to see the setting and the stone. LOL!!!!!

No pressure though.

 

[surfgirl]

I agree, if you don''t really know whether or not she''d love the antique setting as is - and she just might! - propose with it, then tell her if she wants to change the setting you can shop together or she can shop on her own or she can let you know what she likes and you can pick something out for her. Win Win situation!

 

[Ellen]

Another vote for proposing with the setting it''s in, and then let her decide what she wants to do.

 

[musey]

Date: 11/5/2007 6:24:10 PM
Author: Ellen
Another vote for proposing with the setting it''s in, and then let her decide what she wants to do.

Ditto Ellen and all the others. And also apologies for going so OT in my last 2 posts--I need to learn to control my verbosity!

 

[Beacon]

I would reset it or propose with it loose. Reason is that if she first sees it in a dated, old setting her reaction might not be as positive as it would be in a new simple setting. This does not have to cost you a fortune. If she wanted to reset it later it would be ok. But I like the idea of the ring looking fresh and new the first time she sees it. A change of setting can make a world of difference.

 

[cinnamon013]

We want pictures!!!!

 

[Chase035]

I wasn''t the one who actually thought of this first. My g/f said that if I had asked her, I''d have ruined the surprise. And it gets quite obvious when her best friend starts asking her specifics around the time of an expected proposal. So all I''m really trying to warn is that there are girls (who cares what the guys think), but girls, out there who feel that the romance would be lost if they were too involved in the process. Hence I would recommend finding out if she falls into that camp before recommending that someone plan to involve her in picking out her own setting.

 

[Chase035]

Well said Beacon.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 11/5/2007 5:50:45 PM
Author: Chase035
well now, if we all had in-laws like that we'd be set : P

I know I'm probably igniting a firey response from many of the ladies in the peanut gallery who disagree, but personally, I wouldn't be too thrilled about committing to a girl who insisted on having a say in the ring she wanted beyond dropping some hints. Maybe I'm old fashioned. But I'm looking for a girl (and luckily I think I have found one) who is sappy enough that she'd love something just because it is something that I put a lot of effort into instead of doing what I perceive to be 'taking the easy way out' and having her to pick it out herself. In case there are others like me (and her) out there, I guess I was just suggesting that people advise posters to find out whether she wants to be involved in the selection in a way that doesn't ruin the surprise in case she is one of those who doesn't. That may require a few more helpful in-laws.

Why do people blame this point of view on being "old fashion" or "too traditional" when it truly sounds like you are selfish. You care more about being able to pick it out than giving a woman the option of choosing. Musey clearly laid out a plan where a mother, or friend, co-worker, ANYTHING could ask secretly just to get an idea so that the husband to be can choose something she likes without ruining the surprise. But this wasn't satisfactory was it? I'm thrilled I'm committing to a man who isn't so controlling. I think it's an ego thing to be quite frank. You need the woman to be satifised with your choice to stroke your ego.

 

[musey]

MW, I simply adore you. I think we''re long-lost best friends.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

She now knows there is an heirloom ring in the picture. I would NOT change the setting yet! If you change to a brand new solitaire setting, she is going to be confused about the heirloom part. I''d propose with the ring as it is now, and immediately tell her she can take her time and choose her dream setting. She may end up keeping the old setting, or she may end up getting a new one. But I''d definitely leave it in the old setting for the proposal since she was obviously excited about the heirloom part.

Later in life, if you are able, you can always get her a new diamond ring. I got mine for my 30th anniversary. But you are very lucky to have this one to start with! I am SO glad you asked her! (And DO tell your mom that you may change the setting after you propose!)