Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchase

[Enerchi]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

poor you, Lemonpoppy. I feel for the turmoil you are experiencing right now. I have nothing original to say after reading thru this thread. You have been given wonderful advice, support and love from all the wonderful posters ahead of me.

Just take your time. Go slowly with your next steps. If its out - then contact a lawyer for proper advice. If his mom is already behaving like a real pitbull in terms of relationship "advice" to him now, she could really start baring her teeth if her precious son is at all threatened with a loss... just put all your ducks in a row before declaring any direction. Be sure that what you are going to do next, is the best choice for YOU - never mind him or the history that you have together or any possessions - the history will remain history and will be replaced by a new future, and the possessions are just money - there will be more money in your life.

Do what is right for you. All the best Lemonpoppy. {{{HUGS}}} I wish you a bucket of dust and strength to move forward, however 'forward' looks to you

 

[VRBeauty]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

poor you, Lemonpoppy. I feel for the turmoil you are experiencing right now. I have nothing original to say after reading thru this thread. You have been given wonderful advice, support and love from all the wonderful posters ahead of me.

Just take your time. Go slowly with your next steps. If its out - then contact a lawyer for proper advice. If his mom is already behaving like a real pitbull in terms of relationship "advice" to him now, she could really start baring her teeth if her precious son is at all threatened with a loss... just put all your ducks in a row before declaring any direction. Be sure that what you are going to do next, is the best choice for YOU - never mind him or the history that you have together or any possessions - the history will remain history and will be replaced by a new future, and the possessions are just money - there will be more money in your life.

Do what is right for you. All the best Lemonpoppy. {{{HUGS}}} I wish you a bucket of dust and strength to move forward, however 'forward' looks to you

Ditto every word of this. Take care of yourself, and give yourself some room so you can proceed with a clear head.

 

[junebug17]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I'm sorry Lemonpoppy . He doesn't seem to be taking this very seriously. I hope your bf realizes this disagreement isn't because you're upset you're not getting the ring or wedding you would like (although that's part of it) but the fact that he has put someone else ahead of you and doesn't respect your opinions and feelings. I hope you've made it clear that you're upset because he is so easily influenced by a very controlling mother, and you're afraid this pattern will continue into your marriage. I have a feeling he's not really *getting* what the problem here truly is, and why you are so upset.

Anyway, take a little time and really think this through - you really need to think about what is best for you. Hugs to you, and I wish you the best, no matter what your decision.

 

[decodelighted]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

My bf came home tonight and started acting as if nothing had happened. I was hoping to hear "I'm sorry". I'm really too embarrassed to tell the situation to my family or friends. Bf's sister in law was worried and sent me an email offering help. I really don't understand why bf's mother said I was supposed have a ring of a lesser quality compared to bf's sister in law. I really have no idea. I've heard that bf's mother used to be very close her older son before he got married. I don't know what to do now. I don't even want to talk about engagement anymore. I'm very hurt and cannot concentrate on my work. I never expected to get so many comments. I'd like to thank each one of you for your advice and support. Thank you very much.

Oh boy. You're still stuck there, huh? I guess its going to take some time to really sink in. It doesn't matter WHAT the disagreement is about. It's about WHOSE side your boyfriend takes. And he's picking Mom. But it doesn't even matter that it's her particularly. It's that HE IS NOT PICKING YOU. He's putting other people's (irrational) feelings over yours and then taking his anger out on you by calling you an ungrateful bitch when you don't roll over easily. By the way, someone doesn't start thinking someone else is an ungrateful bitch based on just one episode. It's what he already secretly thinks of you. He's just hoping to train you to be better. Lucky you.

 

[cellardoor433]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

That's terrible, Lemonpoppy. It sounds like your bf is treating you like a child - the planning with Mum on what you should get and how the wedding should be like, the telling-off, and now pretending everything is fine - there is no sense of two people working out an issue, just a matter of putting you in your place.

I know it may feel awkward to raise this with your friends and family, but I think you've been through a lot emotionally, and it's not good to feel alone in that headspace. You come across from the posts as an articulate, intelligent woman, I really don't think your friends and family will dismiss your concern at all.

Please take care of yourself.

 

[seaurchin]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Hi there, LemonPoppy. I'm new to the forum here but have been married a long time. I think that engagements are often hard on the couple and their families because they involve a major shift in family dynamics. Part of that shift is that if the couple has not sufficiently broken away from their respective families and become ready to fully be a new independent unit, then this is the time for that step. The big question has arrived: Can the two of you break off and become a fully functioning new unit, or will the pressure of it break you up, or will you languish in between, married but still children with other relatives sitting in and voting on your marital decisions?

Am I the only one who is suspicious of the BIL and SIL's involvment here? SIL seems like a friend in all this and is consulted while the MIL is the bad guy. Something there just didn't smell right to me. Sometimes a SIL will be very competitive. No evidence here of course but just a feeling that that one may be playing both sides of the fence and telling MIL a whole different story that isn't nearly so supportive. Otherwise, where did MIL get the idea that it would hurt SIL's feelings if your ring was better? And if SIl is such a friend, why didn't she just tell MIL she couldn't care less what ring you get and that it would not hurt her feelings? I dunno, just doesn't sit right, imo.

In any case, honestly, what I see are TWO people involving family. They're in it because they've been invited into it. Listen, if you don't want family involved in your marriage when their opinions go against your wishes, then my advice is do not invite them into your marriage (engagement) when you want them on your side in a marital disagreement- he is not the only one running to his family here, is he? Y'all are both inviting them in, but marriage means you invite them out, you handle your business between the two of you, period. These people are being given way too much information that should be kept private between the two of you.

Like any new habit, one or both may slip. Then it's time to realize it, talk it over, and pull back, go back to your plan of what goes on in the marriage stays in the marriage. They can't weigh in and cause trouble when they are not aware of your plans, yes? Interference attempts should be the same as how you would react to a nosy but well-meaning friend, we all know how to do that, right? (Oh thanks. But I really don't feel like talking about that right now. Hey, did you see that new movie?...) At the same time, though, next time you have an argument with your guy, then you can't call your inlaws to enlist their help.

I don't think it's a dealbreaker yet but I do think that step needs to be taken on both sides and has not been taken by either side yet- Marriage is between TWO people- do not tell your business to family, period. Since it is a source of major trouble, my advice: The next they know of the ring should be once it is on your finger. Answer questions with: Oh, haha, we don't want to get into all that. If they push, stare at them with a confused look on your face. Become forgetful. Get busy with something else. Or just keep repeating that you are happy with your ring. It's a habit that gets easier with practice. The next they know of the reception location should be when they receive their invitation. Answer questions the same way, as polite as possible but nothing that is not their business should be told to them. Continuing on, they should hear about any future children after the third month of pregnancy rather than be given a chance to weigh in on whether or not or when conception should take place (!) They should hear of the children's names once the children's names are on the birth certificate. They should see the new car when you pull up into their driveway in it (and no, you don't remember whose idea it was to get that model or what you paid for it). All marital decisions should be known to them only after they are over and done with and even then, not in too much detail. You two need a couple of good friends to talk your business over with, not this family, because look how that works out!

How I see it, it is your and your guy's task now to learn to turn to eachother for back up and support. This is how two people become a fully functioning, grown up couple. The two of you need to have a long talk about this and make a solemn pact, imo. After awhile, trust me, it will be what they expect and what the two of you feel comfortable carrying out and will become the new normal. All this mess will stop as soon as the two of you see the larger picture here and side together to stop it. Otherwise, no, it won't be pretty. He is new at this too, and I do believe it is a learning curve and a challenge of the engagement for both of you. Anyway, most of us learn all this eventually, the hard way. Hope my babbling helped. Good luck!

 

[Deactivated member 42515]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

My bf came home tonight and started acting as if nothing had happened. I was hoping to hear "I'm sorry". I'm really too embarrassed to tell the situation to my family or friends. Bf's sister in law was worried and sent me an email offering help. I really don't understand why bf's mother said I was supposed have a ring of a lesser quality compared to bf's sister in law. I really have no idea. I've heard that bf's mother used to be very close her older son before he got married. I don't know what to do now. I don't even want to talk about engagement anymore. I'm very hurt and cannot concentrate on my work. I never expected to get so many comments. I'd like to thank each one of you for your advice and support. Thank you very much.

Oh boy. You're still stuck there, huh? I guess its going to take some time to really sink in. It doesn't matter WHAT the disagreement is about. It's about WHOSE side your boyfriend takes. And he's picking Mom. But it doesn't even matter that it's her particularly. It's that HE IS NOT PICKING YOU. He's putting other people's (irrational) feelings over yours and then taking his anger out on you by calling you an ungrateful bitch when you don't roll over easily. By the way, someone doesn't start thinking someone else is an ungrateful bitch based on just one episode. It's what he already secretly thinks of you. He's just hoping to train you to be better. Lucky you.

I agree with decodelighted. I'm sorry for everything you are going thru. And a lot of people have made very valid points. Your bf is on his mother's side and this will not change even if you guys get married. It will only get worse. My parents marriage is in shams because my dad could never ever be on my mom's side. Whatever my aunt said was the truth and my aunt hates my mom. So he kept listening to his sister and well... Anyway, it's not something I really like to talk about. But end of the line is that you're always gonna feel like you're not worthy because he's gonna make you feel that way. I really hope you make the right decision, even tho the right decision is usually the hard decision.

 

[cellardoor433]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I agree with decodelighted. I'm sorry for everything you are going thru. And a lot of people have made very valid points. Your bf is on his mother's side and this will not change even if you guys get married. It will only get worse. My parents marriage is in shams because my dad could never ever be on my mom's side. Whatever my aunt said was the truth and my aunt hates my mom. So he kept listening to his sister and well... Anyway, it's not something I really like to talk about. But end of the line is that you're always gonna feel like you're not worthy because he's gonna make you feel that way. I really hope you make the right decision, even tho the right decision is usually the hard decision.[/quote]

Ah, I am sorry to hear that, Yay Tacori. My family had similar problem where my father's mother used to just cry and have a tantrum when she couldn't get what she wanted (and the list of demands she had was insane, one time it revolved around wanting OUR fridge - not just a new fridge, OURS )

To those who advocate for reconciliation with the wayward bf - I mean, I understand where it's coming from. The nature of these forums.... they tend to favour happy endings. But when you have to deal with extended family members, it can get really messy. It took my parents 15 years to finally stand up to their respective parents, and relocated long distance. But these dramas don't just involve two people, they affect the children as well.

 

[Rhea]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I agree with others that this is a big problem. His choosing his mother over you and his need to protect her will not change. What's he protecting her from in this situation anyhow? A 1.5 vs 1.2 carat diamond? The horrors of sitting through an hour long ceremony rather than a 20 minute court house ceremony? These decisions are only about you and him, and your budget, not about his mother. If his mother is getting involved for something like this how are other decisions, such as relocating for jobs, size of house, going to go?

I understand that it's hard to leave, but please consider if it's easiest to leave now or put up with this for years, build more of a life together, and then leave.

 

[GreenBling]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Sorry to hear about what you are going through. You have a lot of great advices but PLEASE bear in mind that these are advices based on a few posts you wrote. None of us on this forum know you and your fiancé as well as you do. If you are bothered by your fiancé's choices, talk to him about it. Encourage him to open up. Share your feelings. You are about to start a life together, you need to be honest and open with each other. All the best to you.

 

[hippi_pixi]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

sometimes people say things like that and then realise later on that it was an unrealistic demand. my partner and I were orignally told we couldn't get engaged until his older brother got engaged and couldn't get married until after he got married. but about 3/4 months later they quietly changed their mind and gave us the go ahead. we had been together for 7 years at that point and the 28 yr old brother is no closer to being engaged although they have been trying to arrange a wife for him for a few years now. so they realised that it was unrealistic to make us wait because even though it is customary in indian culture they know its not normal in my culture.

so give them a bit of time and hopefully they will come around. good luck

 

[AprilBaby]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Do what YOU want and ignore the rest.

 

[bgray]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Despite the fact that we have very little information to put your circumstances in context, it is obvious that your bf and his family are trying to control you and the relationship. That is a recipe for misery.

 

[allowingtoo]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Did anyone read the link I posted on page 4? I thought that was rather interesting minus the religious overtones. Or with it depending on your outlook. What came across to me was the Emotional Bonding with the partner that could be lacking in a relationship because of the Mother/Son dynamics. I'd never really thought about it before, but the author present a pretty good case. If the Father is not present or a strong factor in the Son's life in growing up then the Mother has to take on the dominant controlling role model. And this could change how a male would view females unless it's done well. Such as having a softer feminine aspect or having good male role models available. He points out several examples such as Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods.

I know the way my Husband's father raised him impacted his life greatly. He was the oldest son and he suffered all the abuse the most. We ended up having him undergo EMDR treatments before marriage because of this. It went back to when his Dad came back from the War and "took" his Mother away from him, and then all the times that his Dad told him that women were not to be trusted. EMDR worked for him and our relationship would have ended without it, as his jealousy was becoming uncontrollable, for no reason.

 

[Lemonpoppy]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

My bf proposed with a princess cut solitaire today. It was not my style and I can't believe he bought that. I told him that I'm not ready to get married and he called me greedy this time! What the heck was he thinking about? I never thought I'd be in a situation like this.

 

[Rhea]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Interesting. When did he buy it? He moved quickly. What was his reaction to your not being ready other than calling you greedy? Does he get that this isn't about the ring or the size or shape of the ring?

 

[Lemonpoppy]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I'm sure he bought it at a mall by his mother's house. I have no idea when he bought it.

 

[cellardoor433]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

This is just bizarre! So he clearly didn't get the fact that you are upset not because of the ring, but because he's putting his mother's whims ahead of your feelings?

Good on you for refusing the ring. Perhaps you should show bf your PS thread to shame him.

 

[cellardoor433]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I'm sure he bought it at a mall by his mother's house. I have no idea when he bought it.

What was it like when he proposed? Did he sound sincere or sort of "let's get this over with". Also, does he regularly call you names when you disagree with him? He has already called you "ungrateful b*h", and now "greedy"? Of course I don't know this guy and I don't know much about you either, but he just seems very.... young.

Again, I am very sorry that this is not working out - it might be good if you can get out of the house for the day? Catch up with a friend or just go to an art gallery or something nice.

 

[GirlyGirl]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

My bf proposed with a princess cut solitaire today. It was not my style and I can't believe he bought that. I told him that I'm not ready to get married and he called me greedy this time! What the heck was he thinking about? I never thought I'd be in a situation like this.

I'm really sorry about your situation. I doubt he understands that it is not about the ring or greed. I'm sure you've explained it a million times over to him and that he just doesn't get it. If he's willing to lose you over this, then he's plain stupid.

 

[Alexiszoe]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

My bf proposed with a princess cut solitaire today. It was not my style and I can't believe he bought that. I told him that I'm not ready to get married and he called me greedy this time! What the heck was he thinking about? I never thought I'd be in a situation like this.

Is he in denial? After all that has happened and not addressing what went on, he went ahead anyway and purchased a ring to propose, and proceeds to call you greedy when you tell him you are not ready?!

I am sorry Lemonpoppy, but he seems very immature. It is true that we don't know exactly what is going on with your relationship in the span of a few posts, but I seriously think you should give yourself and him some space - he has to grow up and address these issues of prioritizing you and respecting you, otherwise there is no space in your relationship for YOU at all - only him and his mother.

 

[LJL]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

This story is horrifying. I really hope its fake but I suspect its true

I HOPE that you ACTUALLY rejected the ring and took it as an opportunity to try to explain to him what your issues are right now. He seems oblivious and you seem not outspoken enough. If you have any ideas about trying to make it work with him (which i think is a waste of time, energy, emotions, sanity, etc), then you HAVE to talk to him and SOMEHOW get him to listen. It just seems like he doesnt care. He wants to get the engagement thing out of the way so you stop complaining/talking about it.

I'd just be grossed out by this whole thing. You deserve to be happy and this sure as hell isnt what happy looks like.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

My bf proposed with a princess cut solitaire today. It was not my style and I can't believe he bought that. I told him that I'm not ready to get married and he called me greedy this time! What the heck was he thinking about? I never thought I'd be in a situation like this.

Are you serious? I really wish this whole thing was made up because it is going from bad to worse! So he just went out and bought a random ring and brought it to you at home??? As in, he totally disregarded what you two had discussed that you wanted??? What size is it out of curiosity? Does it have a lab report?

 

[NonieMarie]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Your bf does not hear you, he does not see you. I am not surprised that he would purchase a ring that is not to your taste. Please, go back over your relationship and think of all the other times he has treated you in this same manner. I bet you have overlooked a lot of signs. You can love someone but that person is not the correct fit. If you are, for the rest of your life, willing to be told what to do and how to think, then accept the ring and the wedding he has offered. If not, you must end the relationship, sad but wiser.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

DUMP HIM NOW

 

[Lula]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

My bf proposed with a princess cut solitaire today. It was not my style and I can't believe he bought that. I told him that I'm not ready to get married and he called me greedy this time! What the heck was he thinking about? I never thought I'd be in a situation like this.

Are you serious? I really wish this whole thing was made up because it is going from bad to worse! So he just went out and bought a random ring and brought it to you at home??? As in, he totally disregarded what you two had discussed that you wanted??? What size is it out of curiosity? Does it have a lab report?

Maybe I'm cynical because I've been teaching undergraduates for too many years, but DS, I am starting to believe this whole thing is made up. To the OP, I will apologize if I am wrong about this, but a few things just don't add up for me, starting with the "J SI1" specs and ending with the surprise princess cut.

 

[Lemonpoppy]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I wish I was dreaming. DIamondSeeker, the ring might come with a certificate, but I don't know. The diamond is between 0.5-1 carat, I think. My bf said any girl would be happy with a ring that came from her bf. I don't think he gets my point. Until last week, he was so excited about buying the ring of my dream. I'm going to try to talk to him again, but if he doesn't understand me, I need to move on. I love him and we've been together for almost 3 years. It really hurts to think about all the great memories.

 

[Lemonpoppy]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Lula, I wish this whole thing was made up. My bf's and I have been doing some serious research and he can even say "oh, it's too deep" just by looking at a certificate. He was just determined to buy a diamond that would make his family happy. I just can't believe his attitude completely changed.

 

[Niel]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

My bf proposed with a princess cut solitaire today. It was not my style and I can't believe he bought that. I told him that I'm not ready to get married and he called me greedy this time! What the heck was he thinking about? I never thought I'd be in a situation like this.

Are you serious? I really wish this whole thing was made up because it is going from bad to worse! So he just went out and bought a random ring and brought it to you at home??? As in, he totally disregarded what you two had discussed that you wanted??? What size is it out of curiosity? Does it have a lab report?

Maybe I'm cynical because I've been teaching undergraduates for too many years, but DS, I am starting to believe this whole thing is made up. To the OP, I will apologize if I am wrong about this, but a few things just don't add up for me, starting with the "J SI1" specs and ending with the surprise princess cut.

It DOES seem made up! Not say that it is, but that the whole story is just so ludicrous. Such a strange and unfortunate turn of events

 

[NonieMarie]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

It's his mother who has him by the b#lls. He is still a little boy. He is not showing any signs that he truly loves you. Wipe your tears, put on your big girl panties and make a plan. I'm sorry for being blunt, but it is what it is.