Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchase

[Lemonpoppy]

Hello everyone, I'm a first time poster and a long time lurker. My bf and I have been looking an at rings and we've decided to go for a 1.5 cy round in a halo setting. I was very happy and excited about the process. However, all of a sudden, my bf started telling me that I should get a ring that is of a lesser quality compared to his sister-in law's ring. She has a 1.2 carat H VS2 Novo from Tiffany. He says I cannot get a bigger stone than hers! He is also telling me that no halo, J color or below, SI1 or below and very good cut or below! I'm really disappointed and don't know what to say. I understand that my bf wants to respect his brother and sister in law and I don't mind going for a smaller size, but why do I have to compromise on other things? I had my heart set on an AGS ideal cut stone Could somebody help me? I don't know what to say or do.

 

[malish985]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

What is the reason for his sudden change of heart? Could it be he didn't realize the price of a larger/better stone and this is his way of trying to tell you? In addition, who cares what the Sis in law has - how is you having a nice diamond an insult to her anyway?
This would really bother me - what's next? you can't have a larger house or a nicer car?
I'm sorry this process isn't more fun, but you really need to find out what his motivation is. Good luck!

 

[dbanner8732]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

As a guy, I don't understand why he would take you down the road and get your heart set on this 1.5 carat one and then change his mind or whatever happened. Thats really low IMO. #1 I'd be smart enough to never show my lady anything thats out of my range or that I'd never get her and then have to downgrade. That's asking for problems duh! I always try to start low, fake her out, and then I can surprise her and get her excited with a hero purchase or something.

I just don't understand why he's backing off of the ring after you said you both went shopping for it, and you know that's what you want. Maybe he didn't know you felt this strongly about it somehow? I don't know. But I do know that if I pulled one of these fake out moves, I would be in the doghouse for a very very long time... not necessarily because of the material possession, but because I led her to believe something and backed out on it.

Good luck you you though, maybe he is "pulling a me" and just faking you out! I hope so anyway.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I would be having a very serious conversation with him. Does he want to please YOU or his brother more??? Just because his brother overpaid for a brand name doesn't mean you can't have a nice diamond and setting! Your 1.5 ct ideal cut stone probably will cost as much as her overpriced diamond. I am sorry but the part about dictating color and clarity and CUT because of her ring is NUTS. Totally and completely NUTS. I hope he can get over this idea because it is not a good sign for marriage.

Maybe he is just kidding??? I hope so, but it is really not funny to do that to you at all.

Do you know his budget for the ring? That is the only other thought...did he realize what an ideal cut 1.5 ct stone would cost?

 

[junebug17]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I'm with DS on this - I think you need to have a very serious talk with him - I know it's not all about a ring, but this goes deeper than that IMO - he's more worried about what other people think and feel rather than how you feel. Seriously, I see this as a red flag - and again, it really doesn't have to do with the ring, it's more about his attitude and his treatment of you.

I'm wondering if the cost of the ring you want has anything to do with it - maybe he didn't realize how expensive diamonds are.

I'm assuming a family member has said something to him. How else did he get the notion that you have to have a lesser quality ring than his sil? I really think you need to talk this out and find out exactly what's going on here.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

If it's all about not wanting to upset his brother and SIL now, what happens when you two decide to buy a house and all else? Is it always going to be this way? Living to make sure what you do doesn't upset other people/trying to keep other people happy is an exhausting way to live.

Hopefully he just looked up the cost of Tiffany rings and thought an ideal cut stone would be too much $$$ and that's where this is coming from? Either way, good luck! I'm not sure what to say other than the truth: That your ring means a lot to you and having a well-cut diamond that you can enjoy for a lifetime is YOUR priority and you hope he can respect that!

 

[Lemonpoppy]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Everyone, I appreciate all the comments. My bf I live together and we both have decent jobs. His budget is a little over 20k for a F/G VS1/VS2 ideal cut diamond and a custom platinum setting. We own an apartment and have no debt, so money is not a big issue. Bf's brother and his wife live far away and we visit each other twice a year or so. They are really nice people and I wonder if somebody said something to my bf. I asked him why he changed his mind and his answer is "I want to respect my brother, so I can't get you anything better than A (sister in law's name) has".

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Welll, you'd better get it straight with him right now that YOU and your relationship is what he needs to respect and that needs to be established NOW! $20k is a nice budget and can get you the 1.5 with a setting. What the brother's wife has has absolutely nothing to do with you.

 

[mandasand]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Lemonpoppy,
This is very odd indeed. I don't blame you for being worried. Since you are absolutely sure it's not a money issue, and you hardly ever see his brother, then why is he changing the plan? And, why would your ring be disrespectful to his brother? If you think someone said something, why would your BF care what anyone thinks? I think the problem is bigger and he is not telling you something. You need to find out.

 

[Alexiszoe]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

OP,

I absolutely agree with DS and MC.

What he is saying doesn't make sense to me. The sis in law's Tiffany ring is likely equal in terms of cost to yours anyway because of the brand name. More importantly, the engagement and marriage is about you and him, not his brother and sister in law! I understand the need to respect the other, but this SHOULD NOT apply to the engagement ring at all, rather, respect in terms of inviting them and putting them at a place of importance at the wedding, future cordial relations etc.

He is really going down a slippery slope. What's next, if you have kids he is not going to send them to the good schools because he wants to "respect" his brother and sister in law? I am cautious about what this means in terms of your position in the family and how likely he is willing to defend you if there's ever going to be disagreements and the like.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Well, here is a chance to practice the fine marital art of accommodation -- when your goals conflict with those of your spouse, you have to negotiate. I can't offer anything specific about how to negotiate because there are a lot of factors. But I can say, if it was ME, I would not proceed with any purchases or the engagement until this was sorted out. Others may feel differently, but I feel that it is a two-person decision about how $20k should be spent, especially when finances are shared already by living together.

The brother thing sounds like an excuse. For what, I dont know. But it seems odd, and when things seem odd, usually there is more to the story.

 

[Niel]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

This would upset me and I can understand why it would upset you. I would for sure talk to him. I mean, how does he know the exact spects of your SIL's stone? Did someone in the family specifically say something? and why does everyting have to be less, i mean I guess I could MAYBE understand him wanting the ct size about equal. But why the cut or clarity?
If it is price I would show him what your budget could buy if you do your homework. If it is that, Id just make sure he understands how buying a lower cut stone is actually a worse buy.

I hope everything works out for the best for you. Maybe a compromise would be a different cut? hard to compare an emerald to a round, you know?


Good luck

 

[dbanner8732]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Basically boils down to he's choosing his brother (and sil) instead of you. Has nothing to do with the material possession of the ring as I stated earlier. If all this is true, he probably does have good intentions, and just doesn't want to upset anybody. But with that being said, he's going to live with you forever and not them. Seems like his priorities are out of line by a wide margin. I'm not saying he has to show them up with a better ring or whatnot, but you should get whatever you want within your guys' budget if that's the only issue here. If his family is that materialistic, then that is ridiculous.

Plus you only see them twice a year you said, so go get what you want my friend. Hopefully all of this won't start a fight.

Just a guy's perspective here. Could be way off (as sometimes we are!)

 

[CrisM]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Red flag. Do not ignore this as a small issue that will go away or won't show up in another aspect of your relationship.

I'm married three years and still don't have an engagement ring despite my husband knowing how much I want one. We also own our own home, we also have no debt, we also have good jobs, and we have enough money that the cost of the ring is not the issue. What hurts is knowing that he knows it matters to me....but that doesn't matter enough to him to do anything about it. Ouch. And sadly, I see this in other little ways. We're going to marriage counseling.

If you're not the NUMBER ONE priority in his life, then who or what is? No, really. Know that you will always be behind him/her/it.

Having said that, give him the benefit of the doubt. Talk to him, ask the reason/s for his change of heart. Maybe he truly didn't know the cost of your original ring. Even so, there's a better way to address that than saying his brother's feelings are more important than yours.

 

[gem_anemone]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Well, here is a chance to practice the fine marital art of accommodation -- when your goals conflict with those of your spouse, you have to negotiate. I can't offer anything specific about how to negotiate because there are a lot of factors. But I can say, if it was ME, I would not proceed with any purchases or the engagement until this was sorted out. Others may feel differently, but I feel that it is a two-person decision about how $20k should be spent, especially when finances are shared already by living together.

The brother thing sounds like an excuse. For what, I dont know. But it seems odd, and when things seem odd, usually there is more to the story.

+1

I would be very upset. I have no idea where it got into your SO's head that your ring has anything to do with the ring of anybody else. His notion that your ring must be of lesser quality than his brother's wife's ring is crazy talk, at least it is where I am from (USA).

 

[distracts]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Everyone, I appreciate all the comments. My bf I live together and we both have decent jobs. His budget is a little over 20k for a F/G VS1/VS2 ideal cut diamond and a custom platinum setting. We own an apartment and have no debt, so money is not a big issue. Bf's brother and his wife live far away and we visit each other twice a year or so. They are really nice people and I wonder if somebody said something to my bf. I asked him why he changed his mind and his answer is "I want to respect my brother, so I can't get you anything better than A (sister in law's name) has".

Uh, excuse me, WHO is he making into his new immediate family, his brother and sis-in-law or YOU? If my fiance respected ANYONE more than me, that'd be it for him. He's my #1 and I'm his. That's how it goes. What happens if they're infertile and can't have children - can you guys not have children either because it might hurt their feelings? I know that sounds crazy but that stuff happens to people. Please go read the Babycenter Dealing with the Inlaws board to see how these warning signs have morphed into absolute crazy for other people who didn't deal with it. And if he still is insisting that his brother and sister-in-law matter more than YOU, and you want to stay in the relationship, go to couples' therapy. What he is saying is a big, bad warning sign of crazy, and you guys need to deal with it before proceeding with your relationship.

 

[junebug17]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

This whole thing is so odd. I would be very upset that my SO was putting someone else's feelings ahead of mine - and again, this is not about a material possession, but rather about where your bf's priorities and loyalties lie.

Maybe Dreamer is right - maybe the brother thing is just an excuse. Maybe he just doesn't want to spend that much on a ring. I really don't know.

At any rate, I wouldn't proceed any further until this issue is straightened out. And not so that you get the ring of your dreams, but so that you set a precedent that your feelings are going to come before family members, and that in situations like this he will be willing to at least compromise. Good luck to you.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

In some cultures other than dominant/majority USA/Western culture, saving face is a big deal. As is family heirarchy (is the brother the older brother?) and respect for family and elders. I think we should all be cautious about jumping to the conclusion that this is a red flag. It might simply be a cultural misunderstanding. Whether THAT is a red flag is another issue.

 

[Lemonpoppy]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I just spoke with bf's mother on the phone and she told me the same thing! She also told me to have a wedding at a city hall because just like her other son. I knew bf is a mama's boy, but this is ridiculous. "Oh honey, please think about A. How would you feel if you were her?" I love bf's family and they have been really nice to me, but again, this is ridiculous. As some of you suggested, I need to talk to him wen he gets home tonight.

Dreamer, my bf is younger than his brother. And if this matters, my bf is Jewish and was born and raised here in the US.

 

[Circe]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I was just about to write that while I wasn't an expert on all the cultures of the world, I had yet to hear of one that sought out J, SI2s ....

And, yeah, as an American Jew, that is insane and completely atypical. Seriously, are you sure they're not pulling your leg? To go from a 20K budget to J, SI2, and less than 1.2, which is to say, like ... 5K with no warning sounds like a practical joke or a test of some sort. And, no, that is not okay, and, yes, echoing everybody else in this thread, it is a big red flag.

My advice - if your in-laws are crazy and your husband is totally brainwashed - agree you'll go in a different direction. Like, say, a destination elopement with just the two of you and a colored stone e-ring. But don't let this nonsense stand, and spend your whole life chasing second place.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

My heart goes out to you, LP. The ring is not that big of a deal in the overall scheme of things. But really, if he doesn't choose you and your common goals over his mother or brother, you will see this scenario repeating itself in every possible way..house, babies, cars, trips, etc. I am sure since the brother was married first, you would not be "allowed" to have a baby first, etc.

You two need counseling asap!

 

[CrisM]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

You're asking for an opinion so I'll give it. Being told that someone's feelings will be hurt if you don't do x/y/z is emotionally manipulative. And if it is a cultural difference, then you have to decide if is one that will make you happy.

Being treated nicely means your decisions are respected.

 

[derbygal]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I would be really hurt by this. How long has the brother and SIL been married? The reason I ask is because if they have been together the whole time you were making ring plans, what suddenly caused your BF to change his mind about the ideal F color? I suspect maybe your future MIL had something to do with it. That would have me worried. MIL and brother and SIL should have no say in your ring IMO. MIL could be overly controlling and to me that could really spell trouble for you in the future unless your BF learns to stand up for himself and his and your desires in life. Best of luck to you.

 

[marymm]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Gosh, it sounds like it is your MIL that is putting this into your BF's mind... if it were me, I would worry if my BF were still so influenced by his mom and his brother that he would cast aside your (you specifically as well as you and he together) well-thought-out plans (in this case, for ring and wedding). I understand he looks up to his older brother, and that he respects his mom's opinions - but if it were me, I'd feel so much better about what has happened if he had come to you to discuss the SIL's ring and family expectations of your ring, and the best way for you two as a couple to handle the situation.

Perhaps you can re-shape BF's opinion a bit by suggesting that you also care for his brother and his wife, and that you respect them enough to believe the ring and wedding they chose to have together are the ones that fit best for them - and that you also think highly enough of the brother and his wife to believe that they would want the same for you two. After all, BF wouldn't turn down a promotion if it meant he would make more money than his older brother, would he? Hopefully you and your BF can sit down and discuss this rationally, because I can foresee this competition issue will likely arise over and over again whether by MIL or BIL, and you two need to be on the same page so your every decision and plan isn't derailed in this fashion.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I just spoke with bf's mother on the phone and she told me the same thing! She also told me to have a wedding at a city hall because just like her other son. I knew bf is a mama's boy, but this is ridiculous. "Oh honey, please think about A. How would you feel if you were her?" I love bf's family and they have been really nice to me, but again, this is ridiculous. As some of you suggested, I need to talk to him wen he gets home tonight.

Dreamer, my bf is younger than his brother. And if this matters, my bf is Jewish and was born and raised here in the US.

oooh, no! You are going to have to put your foot down (not stomp it, but place it down gently) and state you will be making the decisions based on what you want, not on what will make your SIL happy! This is going to snowball for you and you'll be stuck your whole life LOWERING yourself to make sure they stay happy if you don't do something now to end this. NOT a way to live and it's damaging to your self-esteem if it starts to make you question any decision you make based on others approval!

 

[Billy Mays]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Tell him to get the stone that fits the quality you want. Make sure it's not a brand name. He can tell the brother it's not a brand name so the brother feels good and you (and only you) will know what the quality is. I mean it's not like you're walking around showing the cert to people and she's not walking around with master stones and a loop trying to figure out what inclusions your ring would have.

Voila, everyone is happy.

 

[Alexiszoe]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Ditto to DS and CrisM.

What they are saying is your feelings matter less than your brother and sister in law, even though it is your ring and your engagement/wedding. Where are you in the picture?

Talk to him and see where he stands on this issue. I second DS suggestion on marriage counseling.

 

[Lemonpoppy]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

My bf's brother and his wife have been married for three years and have an adorable baby boy. I really wish my my bf had talked to me first. I don't mind getting a smaller, say a 1 carat or less stone, but don't want to settle on a solitaire like he suggested! I also don't want a diamond with a visible inclusion or tint. My bf's brother is a lawyer and makes good money, but he did not have enough money for a fancy wedding when he was just out of law school and he spent all the money on the ring his wife wanted. Last time I saw them, knowing engagement is coming up, the wife asked me what kind of ring I wanted, so we browsed online and she helped me picked the style I really liked. She said she'd look forward to seeing my ring.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Sounds like the brother and his wife know their priorities and they picked what was best for them. Now it's time for you to step up and do the same for yourself! You can do it! (and the SIL has a fabulous TIFFANY ring, so it's not like she made a huge sacrifice, so be sure to keep that in mind and get yourself a fabulous ring too!)

 

[chicam]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

This is so ridiculous that he has to be trying to fool you so as to suprise you with a lovely stone you'd love. He and his mom are in on it. That's only thing that makes sense, since he is American.
Otherwise, this is the craziest thing I've ever heard and you should get away from crazies.
Sorry. Just MHO.