Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchase

[AnneinGA]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Hi Lemon Poppy. I am so sorry you're going through this.

I have a thought. Have you actually HEARD your mother in law try to make your bf a puppet or is it what HE's telling you she's saying? Everyone is on the bandwagon that the MIL is controlling and she may be, BUT if your bf is playing this game, he may be telling you things to be mad at her not be mad at him.

At this point, if I were in your shoes, I would confront the MIL, nicely, and can I stress *nicely* here? I mean along the lines of a young woman in love with her son seeking her advice. OR, if you don't want to be nice, more of a direct confrontation like "BF has said you have given him direction about our engagement and specifically the ring and the venue. What's up?"

Irregardless, I don't think you have anything to lose. I am just suspicious that there is something else going on here that is not as apparent as you may think it is. For your bf to doom this relationship in a matter of a week or two makes me wonder what other piece of th puzzle you don't have. Because I've seen enough of this to know that when something doesn't make sense, and the whole thing seems to just be bizzare, that you're missing a piece of the puzzle. And in this case, you're missing a piece of the puzzle.

[hugs] to you.

 

[cellardoor433]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

For those of you who find LPs situation to be too surreal and think it's a fake, go check some of those wedding forums - believe me, it's like wedding-themed talk shows (e.g. "My MIL Bought the E-ring and it's a FAKE!"; "My Boyfriend Bought a $1000 bike and a $10 Ring for ME!?!?") and sadly true most of the time as well.

Like someone else said, if this is a hoax, sockpuppets should be everywhere. I wouldn't be surprised if the "bf's mum" makes an appearance.

Again, to LP: it's awful you are going through this, and like what most of the pps are saying, please consider refusing both the ring and the guy. He sounds like a callous pri*k and mummy's boy to boot. You deserve someone who respects you.

 

[sunseeker101]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Hi LP. I'm aghast here reading about this and agree with the general take so far. There are many negative possible causes for this behavior, but I don't think there are any excusable or tractable ones. According to what you're saying, this guy is a sock-puppet to his mother's wishes and desires, and like anyone owned, eclipsed and manipulated by a narcissistic ego, he doesn't know his arse from his elbow. Most likely the punishment for dating you is this about-face, and we can probably say that mother and son are complicit in the result. Mother needs to retain control and narcissistic supply and son is terrified of having to submit to you as a controlling spouse. How can you fit in with the dysfunctional dynamic unless they clarify your scapegoat potential?! They both have a rabid desire to see you helpless, hurt and confused, i.e. powerless. Manipulating you to feel guilty (ungrateful etc.) is another powerful tactic here. Just accept that you and your feelings are worthless and all will be well. It can't get any more twisted, can it?

Anyway, I say run for the hills. Have no doubt that this occurrence is the thin edge of a very thick pile of psychological claptrap. Very best of luck.

 

[CharmyPoo]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I think stranger things have happened and this story is totally believable ... I had friends ..

1. Bought a ring over a year ago spending a whack of time designing it but was waiting for the right moment to propose. The gf was complaining non-stop about waiting and he got fed up and threw the ring at her.

2. A girl wanted to look at rings but the guy already bought the ring and didn't want to look. The girl didn't know and took a fit complaining he didn't care.

I don't know .. all sorts of things happen.

 

[GliderPoss]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

LP - Take a deep breath, pack your bags and walk out the door. I mean it! Dont look back. I know you love him BUT trust me and everyone else here - there are such massive red flags here it's a recipe for disaster. He clearly doesnt understand the real issue here.

I'm so so sorry. Massive hugs.

 

[two_little_birds]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

If you don't pack your bags and run... at least take a break, a solid break. I (like many other posters here) see far too many red flags.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

LP I just wanted to say that I am sorry and hope that you have strength and clarity to do what you need to do, whether that is a break, counseling, or ending the relationship.

 

[canuk-gal]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

HI:

Oh no, has the OP left?

 

[Smith1942]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

She's probably in crisis talks and trying to sort everything out. Hope she comes back here and lets us know how it all panned out. I've read the thread. I feel really sorry for her. I think she needs to speak more strongly to him though as he should not be in any doubt that none of this is about the actual ring.

If I were her and it all broke up, once everything was settled I'd buy myself a nice RHR for about $4-5K (seeing as she seems to have the means to do this.) You can get a beautiful RHR for that sort of money. It would cheer me up, anyway!

 

[GregS]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

This is all very strange. There's a strong possibility he isn't telling you everything.

He's either a liar or a jerk. Don't settle!

 

[katrinab]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

You poor thing, what a horrible situation! Choosing an engagement ring should be an exciting decision you BOTH make TOGETHER! In my case my partner had no idea whatsoever about what would look nice or how much to spend so I had a lot of input. My ring is being made now and it is exactly what I wanted but also in line with his tastes and expectations. I can't begin to imagine what it must be like to think you'd agreed on something and then have your BF go back on it all and get you something you're not 100% happy with.

I really hope that your absence from the forum means that you're talking it through and making a decision about where to go from here. IMO I think that if his mother has that much influence over him then you're better of away from them both. I have a few issues with my MIL(to be) and I think it's because she and my BF are so super close as a result of being just the two of them for so many years. The key is the full support of your partner. If he is not providing this then tell him exactly how you feel. If he denies anything is wrong with putting his mother first in your relationship then I don't really see how you can have a choice about what to do next.

 

[SB621]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

hahaha I'm sorry to go off topic here but Bgrey you would definitely not make those comments about Jewish men and women if you EVER saw my family. The women rule in our households PERIOD. My grandfather, my father, my brothers...all of them know better then to go against the females. I had to call my mom and read her the comments you wrote- it was just too funny.

LP I have already comented my thoughts but will just repeat myself when I say drop this guy! I think the hardest thing for most women is to walk away from a relationship. I know you don't have children with him, but think ahead to the future. If you do have children with him would you want too? Would you want them to hear him talk to you like this when they are around? A long time ago Oprah had a show where she talked about happiness and the general idea was to ask yourself how you will feel about it in 5 minutes? 5 hours? 5 days? and then 5 years? Perhaps you should ask these questions about you feel with your BF and your future together as a couple!