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Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchase

Circe

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Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

This has stuck in my mind, just because it seems so bizarre. Is there any chance you've just got an opinionated potential MIL who states her opinions as facts? Like, she's not really telling you what to do - she just misphrases "I think it's great to save money by getting married at City Hall and just having a reception" as "YOU SHOULD GET MARRIED AT CITY HALL AND JUST HAVE A RECEPTION." I know more than a few people who have that verbal tic. That said, then the problem is less an insane potential MIL (still controlling, but controlling is better than insane), and more a BF who is kind of spineless.

I just can't fathom having a partner renege on something this emotionally significant. It would be bad enough if he'd started out saying, "Well, we already have an alpha in this family, and it's not ME, so you're stuck with these parameters." But introducing it halfway through the process? Bizarro. Worse yet that he's dictating how you present to his family - no flashy signs of personal success for you, young lady! - even when you've purchased them with your own money.

I usually hate it when people post problems and get answers that come down to, "No, look, THIS is how you do it!" You know, the posts where some poor woman posts about a problem - like, say, hating her e-ring - and gets a bunch of sanctimonious responses about how the responders LOVE their e-rings because their husbands chose them so carefully and they would never change them, ergo, the poster is a bad person for not loving her "eh" ring.

Ahem. As you might guess, I really hate that.

Nevertheless. Dude, I proposed to my husband. My Swedish husband. So he had two outs on getting me a ring, but he saw that it made me obsessively happy (hi, upcoming 6-year anniversary on PS!), and got it and kept on getting more jewelry, even though I am pretty sure he thinks it would make more sense to invest in a collection of red Louboutin boots for my cat. And I've periodically wibbled about whether I should wear my ring/earrings/pendant whatever when going to see his family. And every time, he just looks at me blankly and asks me why I would change things that make me happy for somebody else, on the principle that if the other people are sane, they'll be happy that I'm happy.

He's so well-adjusted it hurts. I'm not that well-adjusted, but I'm trying, and I figure other people might want to, too. So, bottom line on my tl:dr post? You are thinking of getting MARRIED. Spending the rest of your lives together. Make sure he spends those 60-some-odd (more if you are lucky) years knowing it's you who comes first, and not somebody else ... nu?
 

swingirl

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Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Lemonpoppy|1352397042|3301239 said:
I can't thank everyone enough for their nice comments. All I know is that money is not an issue for sure, we have cash much more than 20k in our joint account alone. I'm going to talk to my bf first, but if he doesn't want to say anything, I'll reach out to other members of his family. We've never had a big issue like this. One thing I can remember is he told me not to wear my Rolex watch in front of them. I didn't understand why. They make more many and can afford to buy one if they want, I'm sure.
It sounds like you are setting the precedent for a life time of decisions based your bf's brother's previous decisions. What else will be affected?

How many children you have?
How big of a house/apartment you live in?
Where you take vacations?
What type of purchases you are able to make?

Will you be restricted forever to not upstage your bf's brother? Where does it say he oldest brother has to have the biggest house, most expensive car, largest diamond, most expensive watch, etc. Keep in mind this will affect how your children will be treated by the in-laws if you decide to have a family.
 

Rosebloom

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Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Just wanted to say that I hope you have a good conversation with your BF about this tonight! These talks are hard to have but so important. Sending you "dust" - Pricescope's magical good luck charm.
 

madelise

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Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Is this real? I really hope we're all getting our legs pulled. Your SO needs to cut his damned umbilical cord. His relationship with his mother, and his mother's toxicity is all way too bizarre. Please don't compromise on this. It's not even about the ring, or the $20k, it's about the PRINCIPLE of him putting you last in his order of priorities. How are you okay with this? I hope you and your SO can figure this out.. and that everything ends up HEALTHY, whichever way it ends up.
 

CopperTop

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Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Even if he comes from a family that traditionalizes favoritism, that doesn't mean your relationship has to be based on it!

Time to work on priorities.
 

Polished

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Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

What I find interesting is that you and your bf were as one on the ring plan until the outside influence came in. I don't wish to stereotype but one thing I've noticed is that guys can sometimes go along with a decision made by someone else rather than dissect a situation the way posters have done so effectively here. He might not have the inclination to work out what's really going on and for the sake of peace wishes to comply. He also comes with a lifetime of conditioning and being influenced by a mother who imagines she feels more secure if she can get people to operate her way. My guess is he lives with a low grade fear of getting it wrong with his family. I think too much power can be attached to people like the mum in a family. I'd like to bet that you'd find this woman lacked power in her own life in significant ways. They are people who shouldn't be getting their own way. I really think you can help your future fiance by assuming power for yourself and bestowing it on him. It would have the net effect of empowering and freeing him from bondage. To take the engagement ring as an example. When the plan changed and significant money was about to be wasted on a dud diamond and setting neither of you wanted, my response would have been something like, "no we're sticking with our initial plan to buy the .... diamond in the halo setting because that's what I would love and I know it would make us both happy". End of. To any counter argument you simply repeat the same thing as often as necessary until the topic closes. When the next issue needed to be addressed (wedding venue) the same firm approach would be needed. In fact whenever you knew a decison wasn't coming from your bf, but rather from his mother, this approach might be needed. You would really be doing him and yourselves as couple a huge favour.
 

cabbitstarr

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Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Pick out the ring that you want in the original $20k budget, tell him it's what you want.

Wear your Rolex when you want to. You could also get a $14k ring AND get a Cartier love bracelet, that would be BEAUTIFUL with your Rolex.

Do not apologize, do not explain yourself, and do not get involved in this silliness from them or you will never be left alone by them.

Good luck! :)
 

Lemonpoppy

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Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Hello everyone. My bf and I had a long talk tonight. What did I figure out? To him, my opinion is less important than his family's. He even called me ungrateful b----. He tried to convince me that I'd be happy with a lesser quality engagement ring. He also said we would get married at a city hall and that's the only option. I'm really sick of it. I love him, but I can't be with somebody who wouldn't put me first. He ended up calling his brother and his wife, and they were actually on my side. They ended up telling me that they never want to live close to his mother. My bf got upset and insisted that he's the only one who can protect his mom.
 

Alexiszoe

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Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Lemonpoppy,

I am so sorry. The fact that he treated you so cruelly and put you down makes me feel :angryfire:

From what you have said he does not care about your opinions and is disrespectful of your feelings: what matters is what he, (or his mother) wants. Getting a ring that you do not like, marrying at a place not of your choice. I am so sorry that you had to go through this heartache and pain. Staying in this relationship might bring more pain unless he is willing to change. How do you feel at this point?
 

Circe

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Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Oh, that SUCKS. Just out of curiosity, if your BIL and SIL were on your side, what was the remaining rationale for the lower stat ring and City Hall wedding? What, exactly, does your potential MIL need to be protected FROM?
 

jstarfireb

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Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I'm so sorry to hear about his reaction. Nobody deserves to be cursed at in an argument. Name-calling and cursing is one of the biggest red flags for a marriage/relationship. You may find this interesting:
http://www.forbes.com/sites/travisbradberry/2012/07/24/four-signs-a-relationship-is-failing/

What he just did to you falls under the category of "contempt." None of us can or should tell you what to do now, but if it were me, I'd think long and hard about whether your boyfriend is marriage material. I know it's difficult to leave after you've probably invested a lot of time and love into this relationship, but as we've said, there are far deeper issues than a ring here. I wish you the best, whatever you decide.
 

Polished

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Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

My bf got upset and insisted that he's the only one who can protect his mom.

Very sad. In this situation it sounds like this fact will prevent him from living a proper adult life. I think you're right that you can't live with someone who won't put you first.
 

hawaiianorangetree

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Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Lemonpoppy|1352436936|3301653 said:
Hello everyone. My bf and I had a long talk tonight. What did I figure out? To him, my opinion is less important than his family's. He even called me ungrateful b----. He tried to convince me that I'd be happy with a lesser quality engagement ring. He also said we would get married at a city hall and that's the only option. I'm really sick of it. I love him, but I can't be with somebody who wouldn't put me first. He ended up calling his brother and his wife, and they were actually on my side. They ended up telling me that they never want to live close to his mother. My bf got upset and insisted that he's the only one who can protect his mom.

Unless you want to be married to his mom I'd run. RUN while you still can!
 

CharmyPoo

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Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I have seen this ... the mom loves your bf and doesn't want anyone taking him away. She doesn't want you to have nice things because she doesn't want anyone to "take advantage" of her son or indicate he might love her more. Unfortunately, your boyfriend can't put you ahead of his mom. I have not seen this situation end well. In my opinion, no point to blame the mom - it is all on your boyfriend. I know you may not want to hear this but I find that "mama's boys" usually will cut the umbilical cord when they find the girl who will make him want to. I would not marry a "mama's boy" if I am not that girl.
 

hearts-arrows_girl

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Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Doesn't sound good. Maybe he is getting cold feet. I would put the whole thing on hold for a while. Doesn't he know "Happy Wife, Happy Life"? I hope you and your BF work this out. I am sure you will find your voice in this whole thing. :((
 

Kyclaire

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Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

CharmyPoo|1352439250|3301664 said:
I have seen this ... the mom loves your bf and doesn't want anyone taking him away. She doesn't want you to have nice things because she doesn't want anyone to "take advantage" of her son or indicate he might love her more. Unfortunately, your boyfriend can't put you ahead of his mom. I have not seen this situation end well. In my opinion, no point to blame the mom - it is all on your boyfriend. I know you may not want to hear this but I find that "mama's boys" usually will cut the umbilical cord when they find the girl who will make him want to. I would not marry a "mama's boy" if I am not that girl.

Agreed, from personal experience when I was younger. Do you really want to marry a guy who will put his whole family before you even BEFORE he marries you? as much as his mum might think you are "taking advantage" of him, I personally feel that he is in a way taking advantage of you and not treating you right.. :(sad
 

NonieMarie

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Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I am so sorry you are finding this out about your bf. If you think back, there were probably signs that you overlooked.
All I can say is.... RUN, RUN, RUN
 

junebug17

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Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Oh boy. I'm so sorry Lemonpoppy - I guess you have a lot of thinking to do about this relationship. You're right to be very concerned about his priorities.
 

VRBeauty

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Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I'm sorry Lemmonpoppy. I hope you'll step outside of the relationship long enough to think this all through. In the end, the ring you love may end up being most important - even if you never get it - because it brought this aspect of your boyfriend and relationship to light.

(((((hugs))))) and good luck.
 

kevin329

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Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

As awful as this may sound, I think it is better to find something like this out now than even further down the road, especially when children enter into the picture.

I'm a guy who comes from a very traditional family, am the eldest of my siblings and my cousins, and the only one who can carry on my Grandfather's name. I respect my family very much and would do virtually anything to abide their wishes within reason.

However...

I think at some point you have to be able to make your own decisions, establish your own priorities, and cut loose from your mother's apron strings as it were. My family respects me, and I respect them. As such, I know that they would never infringe on a decision such as this in any way unless they thought the union was just not appropriate. Trying to dictate things like how YOU (collectively you and your SO) should spend YOUR money, or how YOU should celebrate one of the most important events in YOUR lives is not something I believe to be appropriate. Input, opinion, suggestions are all fine. Not set requirements unless you are relying on his mother financially for any part of this engagement/wedding. Obviously you will not be offending his brother or SIL, so I see no grounds for this adamant opposition to compromise. And for your SO to start chastising you over this and calling you ungrateful.......that is pretty low in my book.

Again, this can just be a matter of culture but that doesn't seem to be the case here. I think this is a terribly inconsiderate position for your SO to put you in and I would have very serious reservations about continuing down this dark path if his mother will continue to have this kind of leverage on your lives.

My $0.02.

I wish you nothing but the best, whatever happens, and I sincerely hope you are able to work things out and enjoy a wonderful relationship together for many many years, if that is what is meant to be.
 

lknvrb4

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Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I am sorry but this sounds ridiculous, his brother has nothing to do with your engagement. If he is going to be like this about an ering just think of the million other things that could stem from this. No way!
 

kefira

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Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

This is a sad situation, and my heart goes out to you, LP. You have invested a lot in this relationship, it sounds, and it seems a bit hasty to just walk away when things get tough. It's worth it, IMHO, to give it a bit of time. Maybe in a few days your bf will have thought it through, and realize what's at stake here: the two of you building a life that you both find fulfilling and happy. It may be that he truly isn't ready to take control over his life, but maybe he needed this to wake him up. Stand your ground without being aggressive about his current position, and see what he has to say after he's had a bit of time to mull it over. I hope he sincerely apologizes for the name-calling, too, because that is uncalled for behavior. Best of luck to you!
 

OneNole03

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Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Simply amazed. The problem is, he likely will never change. And if he ever does, it would likely be his choice if he ever grew tired of the constant smothering. You can give him an ultimatum and he may say that he will change but he won't. As soon as his mother makes him feel guilty he will revert back to his old ways. Only you can decide whether your love for your bf is strong enough to marry him and his mother. I wish you the best and that everything can work out great for you. It seems outside of his mom, your alls relationship is great and I would hate to see it end.
 

pandabee

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Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

So sorry to hear how your conversation went LP. I have been following your thread but didn't have any advice further than what the posters have already said. I hope he apologizes for the name calling but if you need to think long and hard about your relationship, at least you are finding this all out now about how he feels about his mother's feelings vs. yours. Best of luck to you.
 

missy

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Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Lemonpoppy|1352436936|3301653 said:
Hello everyone. My bf and I had a long talk tonight. What did I figure out? To him, my opinion is less important than his family's. He even called me ungrateful b----. He tried to convince me that I'd be happy with a lesser quality engagement ring. He also said we would get married at a city hall and that's the only option. I'm really sick of it. I love him, but I can't be with somebody who wouldn't put me first. He ended up calling his brother and his wife, and they were actually on my side. They ended up telling me that they never want to live close to his mother. My bf got upset and insisted that he's the only one who can protect his mom.

Lemonpoppy- my heart goes out to you! I am so sorry you are dealing with this and I feel so badly for you. No one can tell you what to do because we are on the outside looking in and not in the relationship with you. However, based on what you have shared, it doesn't look promising. As others have pointed out you are a team and he needs to put you first, above everyone else, including his mother. Sure, sometimes these lessons are learned along the way but it seems that he has a very very long way to go and it also seems as if he is very immature. I hope you do not take offense but I don't think he is ready to get married and I don't think you should marry him based on what you have shared with us. You deserve a man who will respect and love you and put your needs above others. Which he is clearly not doing. Sending you lots of hugs and hoping you can work it out between you. Whichever way that goes. I am not saying this relationship cannot be saved but he needs a lot of emotional growing for that to happen and you both need professional help to get that going. (IMO).
 

diamondseeker2006

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Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I am so sorry, LP. I am thankful that the brother and his wife at least have good sense. I had a feeling this had to do with the mom and your bf. She can express her opinion until she is blue in the face, but why she should have any input into the wedding location is beyond me! That should be up to the couple and the bride's family if they are helping pay for the wedding. She can give input into the rehearsal dinner if she is paying for that!

I guess it is good that this is all clear to you now. I would insist on counseling and if he won't go, then that pretty much will tell you where things stand. If he is stubborn and is willing to give up the relationship over pleasing his mother, then I PROMISE there is someone out there much better for you. But I would not compromise on the ring or the wedding location, period. His mom does not get to dictate those things.
 

woofmama

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Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

LP I'm 15 yrs into a marriage and have lived through major drama due to a physco MIL. She was widowed 25 yrs ago & turned into a control freak with my husband who is her only son. She always behaved very passive aggressive toward me. Both my husband and SIL walk on eggshells around her and there is constant family drama.

DH proposed the night before Thanksgiving & we had an early Thanksgiving dinner with my family. He then went by her house & when he stated he wasn't hungry because he ate with my family she started yelling and threw food in the garbage even though SIL & her husband/kids were there. And not one word of congratulations on our engagement from her.

She showed up for our wedding 25 minutes late with no excuse. Held up everything & then strutted in like she owned the church. When asked why she was late downplayed the whole thing.

Examples of crap she has tried to pull: Family birthday outing for my husband planned for a day when she knew I couldn't attend.
Huge drama when my DH told her the date had to be changed. She wanted to cancel the entire thing. This has happened multiple times for other family doings as well.

When my beloved dog passed away the first thing out of her mouth to my husband was-You're not going to get another one are you?!!
I saw her 1 week later and not only did she not say anything to me or my son (her grandson) about his passing. She knew how devastated we were, yet not one word.

The final straw for me was last October. I was rushed to the ER with chest pain. DH was at work so asked MIL to meet me at ER. DH left work & arrived at ER 30 minutes later. While we were awaiting results MIL starts insisting that her & DH were going to go out for breakfast & leave me alone in ER. She was being very insistent about it & saying that they could bring me back something. She wasn't talking about the cafeteria either, she wanted to go out to a breakfast place a couple of miles away. Of course DH tells her that perhaps we can meet her later for lunch if I check out okay. Even after he said that she would not stop! DH kept telling her to go home, that we would call her later. Her challenging both of us continued, I finally said " I'm offended"
She stood up and screamed in my face. Honestly if looks could kill I would be dead. I have never spoken to her again and she is not welcome in my home. We are done. I HATE her! DH still see's her but keeps her at arms length. My teenage son has zero respect for her and has to be dragged to visit with her. We don't do any family holidays anymore. She destroyed all of it.
I don't wish this mess on anyone-it hasn't been a fun way to spend the last 15 years. That said, DH & I have a great marriage because he realizes that she is very manipulative and hateful. He does not sugar coat her behavior and stands by me. If you marry this guy he would need to change in that respect. You have to come first, period.
 

geckodani

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Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Lemonpoppy|1352436936|3301653 said:
Hello everyone. My bf and I had a long talk tonight. What did I figure out? To him, my opinion is less important than his family's. He even called me ungrateful b----. He tried to convince me that I'd be happy with a lesser quality engagement ring. He also said we would get married at a city hall and that's the only option. I'm really sick of it. I love him, but I can't be with somebody who wouldn't put me first. He ended up calling his brother and his wife, and they were actually on my side. They ended up telling me that they never want to live close to his mother. My bf got upset and insisted that he's the only one who can protect his mom.

As others have said, only you can make this decision, but I wouldn't want to marry someone that thought so little of me and my opinions. If it were me I'd take a long hard look at whether or not I really want to spend the rest of my life with someone that would treat me with such disrespect.
 

rubybeth

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Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Lemonpoppy|1352436936|3301653 said:
Hello everyone. My bf and I had a long talk tonight. What did I figure out? To him, my opinion is less important than his family's. He even called me ungrateful b----. He tried to convince me that I'd be happy with a lesser quality engagement ring. He also said we would get married at a city hall and that's the only option. I'm really sick of it. I love him, but I can't be with somebody who wouldn't put me first. He ended up calling his brother and his wife, and they were actually on my side. They ended up telling me that they never want to live close to his mother. My bf got upset and insisted that he's the only one who can protect his mom.

Have you ever had problems like this with his mother before? I ask because she sounds a bit like the people I have in my life who suffer from personality disorders (narcissistic, histrionic, and borderline). I am very sorry that this is happening. I really do believe that engagements can bring out both the best and worst in people, and that's why engagement is a good thing--it gives you a chance to see what things are like as families react and dramas play out. I sincerely hope that this is just a one-off and that your BF comes to his senses and apologizes and takes you ring shopping for exactly what you want, but if not, know that PS is here to support you if things don't work out. Even if you don't end up with that fabulous ring from this guy, that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the bling and support of PSers!
 

sweetpea&babycorn

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Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

LemonPoppy, I'm so sorry this is happening. When I read your update, I was STUNNED. It's one thing to become emotional about your mother, and try to protect her, and make her feel like she is not alone, but to call you an ungrateful b*tch is completely uncalled for, I don't care what is going through his mind, but that is downright disrespectful, and I hope you know you deserve more and better than that. I think this speaks volumes for what could be in your future. Unless you can work this out and rationally find a compromise, I think you should think about what kind of marriage you want and what kind of relationship you want with your future husband. I also come from an extremely family oriented background, and even when my bf asked for my mom's blessing, she happily gave it even though she ended up in tears because she was afraid of losing me as a daughter. If your boyfriend's mother truly loved him, she would want him to be HAPPY instead of trying to manipulate him and tell him how to handle his own personal affairs.
 
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