Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchase

[Venti25]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I'm so sorry this is happening to you but really.. leave and good riddance! Better to find out now than later and it is his loss.

 

[chrono]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I have no advice apart from other good suggestions by the above poster. It is a difficult time for you at the moment and probably came as a shock. It is time to re-evaluate you life now and where you want to be. Marriage is a loving and equal partnership of two people, not three. Actually, in your case, it isn't even three since he doesn't see you as part of the equation at all. I'm so sorry.

 

[MattyB83]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Hello everyone. My bf and I had a long talk tonight. What did I figure out? To him, my opinion is less important than his family's. He even called me ungrateful b----. He tried to convince me that I'd be happy with a lesser quality engagement ring. He also said we would get married at a city hall and that's the only option. I'm really sick of it. I love him, but I can't be with somebody who wouldn't put me first. He ended up calling his brother and his wife, and they were actually on my side. They ended up telling me that they never want to live close to his mother. My bf got upset and insisted that he's the only one who can protect his mom.

Hi, I'm very new here, but I have to comment....

I'm very sorry to hear that you're in this position. For my 2 cents, I'll say that you both sound very young. Getting married and staying married is a very important and sometimes difficult process that should not be taken lightly.

GIven your bf's actions in this situation, it seems that he is either too imature for such a relationship, or being completely manipulated by his mother. Both of those should stop you in your tracks.

The mark of a mature individual is their ability to communicate and compromise in a relationship. Especially on matters that so heavily affect their signifigant other. Your bf is demonstrating neither of these in this situation. Please proceed very carefully. Love may blind at this time of your life, but do you want to deal with these issues for 30 years or worse deal with divorce?

 

[sonnyjane]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

He even called me ungrateful b----.

I have been with my husband for six and a half years and I assure you that he has never even come close to using a term like that with me. That's not how you speak to someone you love.

 

[Bliss]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Sorry Lemonpoppy... In addition to support, I wanted to float the idea of letting go of your side and seeking to truly understand why he feels so strongly about this. I find that when I focus on understanding rather than on being understood - I find myself coming to profound realizations about my partner. Also, when he feels that I'm coming from a place of love and trying to understand, he also tries to see things from my point of view. Just treat him how you would like to be treated. Ask questions in a truth seeking way that shows you really want to 'get' why he sees this as so important. Often it will come from his deep love of family or his sense of guilt or who knows. But if he feels he is truly understood, chances are his grip on how things should be will loosen. And you will hopefully both have open hands willing to accept each other's point of view. Hugs.

 

[LJL]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

He even called me ungrateful b----.

I have been with my husband for six and a half years and I assure you that he has never even come close to using a term like that with me. That's not how you speak to someone you love.

YUP. Reading through this whole thing, most of the problems could be 1.misunderstood on our end, 2. cultural differences, 3. figured out through counseling/discussions, etc. BUT WHEN I HEARD THIS... I said to myself that your relationship is over. Sorry to be so blunt but people dont come back from stuff like that. If he said it, he doesnt respect you and I would bet he never will. Honestly, I cant understand these other posters telling you to give him a chance.... I dont care who you are and what your personal shortcomings are - you DONT deserve this crap. I dont need to know anything more about your relationship than that single line. Run away. When you are in a healthy, happy relationship with a family of in-laws that support both YOU AND YOUR SO, you will look back on this and be disgusted with what you put up with - and SO HAPPY to never have to deal w this again.

Good luck LP, I hope you find clarity and happiness.

 

[SB621]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

He even called me ungrateful b----.

I have been with my husband for six and a half years and I assure you that he has never even come close to using a term like that with me. That's not how you speak to someone you love.

I have been with my husband for 10 years...since we were 19 years old and if he EVER said that to me or something along those lines with that intent you can BELIEVE I would be out the door with our 2 kids and 2 dogs in tow. Love and respect are hand in hand. If he talks to you that way then I would seriously rethink this relationship as the person who you love and plan on marrying should hold you with a higher regard then ANYONE else. Goodluck honey- it seems you have a few hard choices infront of you that have nothing to do with your ring. Be glad this is all coming up now and not down the road.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I'm so sorry your BF said such horrible words to you. Like others have said, this is a good time to re-evaluate your relationship with him. At least you have a better idea of his true attitude before having gotten married and having him throw a 180 at you and being stuck. If he feels like this now, it won't get any better. Often times, they can much worse as time goes on!

 

[decodelighted]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

This isn't about a ring or being "ungrateful" ... this is a difference in VALUES. They say to make sure you have similar VALUES before you partner up with someone for life. Because VALUES are what will guide every individual & joint decision you make for the rest of your lives.

He prioritizes pleasing his family/mother over his wife. You can probably extrapolate that onto his future kids as well. He hasn't truly separated from his family of origin. And isn't ready to or doesn't see the need to form a family of his OWN. He just sees you as an accessory to his pre-existing life & expects that you'll do whatever he wants & behave however he sees fit so as to fit into his existing family unit. He doesn't see you as AN INDIVIDUAL with needs/desires/values of her own.

The first clue was asking you not to wear your Rolex (don't be your true self. change to better suit my image of your & the image I need to portray to my family to keep the peace.) You passed that test & jumped through that hoop. Gave him the impression you're a life long hoop jumper. Maybe you are. You decide.

 

[allowingtoo]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

LP - so glad you came here to be validated for your feelings, which are important. I just wanted to say that things are probably too emotional right now and you need to be very still and get to a sense of peace in your heart and listen to it what it is saying to you. Marriage is a lifetime and not just a ring.

That being said, I came from an abusive relationship and had to go through therapy after the damage it caused to my daughter and me. I expressed that I would never trust men again and my therapist said the best way she knew was to look at how the men treated the women in his life - his mother, his past relationships. How he talked about them, how he was in a relationship with them. Because the past speaks for the future. And I found this to be true.

You need to be very careful of what the others are calling Red Flags. The Rolex. The ring that was one thing and now it's another. The fact that your opinions are not validated or worthy. They are Red Flags to me too. Do you have family? Girlfriends? Are you still in close contact with them? Can you see them freely? Or are you spending so much time with your fiancee that you are isolating yourself? Or is he isolating you from them? That's not healthy if that's the case. You need to decide what you are worth, not what someone decides what they think you are worth. And you are worth so much more than you think.

 

[JaneSmith]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I've been following this, hoping it was all my misunderstanding of the culture, or some daft joke your BF was playing to surprise you with a fabulous ring.

But this:

Hello everyone. My bf and I had a long talk tonight. What did I figure out? To him, my opinion is less important than his family's. He even called me ungrateful b----. He tried to convince me that I'd be happy with a lesser quality engagement ring. He also said we would get married at a city hall and that's the only option. I'm really sick of it. I love him, but I can't be with somebody who wouldn't put me first. He ended up calling his brother and his wife, and they were actually on my side. They ended up telling me that they never want to live close to his mother. My bf got upset and insisted that he's the only one who can protect his mom.

This makes me say run. Run, do not walk, run far and fast.

If you both go to counseling and he somehow manages to free himself from his controlling emotionally abusive mother, you have a shot.
It is very telling that the brother and his wife don't want to be near this woman. She sounds like poison.
I wonder if his mother has called you an ungrateful b***h, and he now agrees. He clearly does not put you first, or think enough of you to not call you terrible, ugly, hurtful things.
There is a lot more to your situation than has been posted here, I'm sure. You need to have a long hard think about what is really going on in your life, and what might happen if you stay vs if you go.
You two are practically married right now. You live together, you have a joint account, you own your apartment together. Leaving him will probably require a lawyer much like a divorce. I hope you have a cohabitation agreement.

Big hugs to you my dear. Please put yourself first, it doesn't seem like anyone else is.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

This isn't about a ring or being "ungrateful" ... this is a difference in VALUES. They say to make sure you have similar VALUES before you partner up with someone for life. Because VALUES are what will guide every individual & joint decision you make for the rest of your lives.

He prioritizes pleasing his family/mother over his wife. You can probably extrapolate that onto his future kids as well. He hasn't truly separated from his family of origin. And isn't ready to or doesn't see the need to form a family of his OWN. He just sees you as an accessory to his pre-existing life & expects that you'll do whatever he wants & behave however he sees fit so as to fit into his existing family unit. He doesn't see you as AN INDIVIDUAL with needs/desires/values of her own.

The first clue was asking you not to wear your Rolex (don't be your true self. change to better suit my image of your & the image I need to portray to my family to keep the peace.) You passed that test & jumped through that hoop. Gave him the impression you're a life long hoop jumper. Maybe you are. You decide.

How much do you have to change of yourself to finally be accepted? There is the good possiblity, you will NEVER be able to please enough and by then you'll have stripped away your self-worth! I just watched a relative totally reinvent herself after meeting a guy with extremely strong convictions just to please him and follow his rules. It's really sad!

 

[allowingtoo]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

LP - You can Google: Mother Son Marriage for more reading at your leisure. Here is one that I found.

http://www.intheworkplace.com/apps/articles/default.asp?articleid=78496&columnid=1935

 

[smitcompton]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

hi,

The mom may have expressed her opinion as Circie suggested. She may have said something like, "Oh, Mr. big shot, are you trying to outdo your brother? Poppy doesn't need such an expensive ring and you should do what your brother did, and get married in City Hall.
The money you save will be for your future." These are the values he grew up with. BIL did go to City Hall. I'm a bit like that, (my son is opposite).

So the real problem is not really the ring, but how money gets spent in your union, and who has the most say. Calling you an ugrateful b=tch leads me to believe the money is his to spend as he chooses. Is this true? HIS MONEY. He internalizes what mom says and thinks if it is his money he can do with it what he wants. So you have 2 problems. His attitude toward money and who will control it, and what his mom says is more important than what you say. This is really a big problem, although I doubt Mom wished to cause this upset. If she was so bad, you would have already seen it.

Take another look as this fellow. Don't back down unless he can explain why you should. I think you two can solve it. Just keep your eyes wide open.


Annette

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Unless he profusely apologises today without prompting for calling her that name, I'd be calling a lawyer instead of a counselor after thinking about it. I have been married for over 30 years, and never, ever have I been called a name like that in the worst of our arguments.

 

[isaku5]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

This isn't about a ring or being "ungrateful" ... this is a difference in VALUES. They say to make sure you have similar VALUES before you partner up with someone for life. Because VALUES are what will guide every individual & joint decision you make for the rest of your lives.

He prioritizes pleasing his family/mother over his wife. You can probably extrapolate that onto his future kids as well. He hasn't truly separated from his family of origin. And isn't ready to or doesn't see the need to form a family of his OWN. He just sees you as an accessory to his pre-existing life & expects that you'll do whatever he wants & behave however he sees fit so as to fit into his existing family unit. He doesn't see you as AN INDIVIDUAL with needs/desires/values of her own.

The first clue was asking you not to wear your Rolex (don't be your true self. change to better suit my image of your & the image I need to portray to my family to keep the peace.) You passed that test & jumped through that hoop. Gave him the impression you're a life long hoop jumper. Maybe you are. You decide.

Very good advice, deco. Do you and he have similar values? At this point in the relationship, he should be placing YOU first - not his relatives and especially not his mother. He should be proud of you as you are (Rolex and all). There are big red flags all over this arrangement. No engagement rings or god forbid wedding plans until he's ready to let go of 'what the family thinks' and put you first. Good luck with that (no sarcasm intended).

 

[rubybeth]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Unless he profusely apologises today without prompting for calling her that name, I'd be calling a lawyer instead of a counselor after thinking about it. I have been married for over 30 years, and never, ever have I been called a name like that in the worst of our arguments.

Ugh, no kidding, DS! Name-calling is unacceptable. I might be able to forgive a comment like "you're being kind of b*tchy" but outright calling her an ungrateful b*tch... I can't even imagine how horrible that conversation must have been. Hugs to you, Lemonpoppy. Don't believe him.

 

[katiedid]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Lemonpoppy, I've been with my husband for almost 10 years. His mother is a horrible person. He and I both know it and accept it. After many years of trying to build a relationship with her, I have recently decided it's not worth my time, and I told my husband how I felt. He completely accepts that and supports me. That being said, I also support his relationship with her. He's an only child, his father died unexpectedly, and she is one of very few family members he has. I try to never say anything bad about her, even though I have no desire to ever see or talk to her again.

It's all about respect, and you deserve more than you're getting. I would not be able to be with someone who did not side with me on something like this.

 

[packrat]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Holy crap-get your jet pack on and get out. I'd go one step further and take that fricken hoop he seems to expect you to jump thru and strangle him w/it. I am, however, a bit of a B-word, when it comes to things like that. I have a MIL who is manipulative and crazy and obsessed w/her only son, who I have been married to 11 years. It took him a couple years into the marriage to actually start seeing it, and a little longer to recognize it and accept it and accept how I felt about it. But--he's never called me names over it. We married late, we were both 27, and his sister lives a few hours away-she's been down to see her mom like 3 times now in 11 years, so of course everything falls to my husband, and had for many years, to take care of-and that's fine, but not at the expense of ME and MY KIDS. Sorry lady. After marriage, I outrank, that's all there is to it. If we'd had problems like this thread before marriage, we wouldn't have gotten married and I'd have told him exactly why-his mom is obsessed, and manipulated him into thinking she can not possibly survive w/out him, and if he believes that, that's all fine well and good but when his mom is figuratively sleeping in his bed, there is no room for a wife. *She* feels she couldn't survive w/out him, but *I* most certainly can.

I'm sorry you're going thru this, Lemonpoppy.

 

[cellardoor433]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Just read through this thread and want to say I am very sorry about what's happened, Lemonpoppy, and hope that you are taking care of yourself.

I strongly agree with other ppl's suggestions of looking at how your bf has treated women in the past, and any warning signals (i.e. things he said or did which may not appear to be overly significant, but still raised alarm bells or discomfort for you). Please surround yourself with loving friends and families who will listen and support you.

 

[canuk-gal]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

HI:

You need a big hug. Or two.

kind regards,

Sharon

 

[bunnycat]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I can only add my agreement to what others have said. While I do understand people sometimes say things in the heat of the moment, and there are always 2 sides to an argument, I had hoped that your post was just a big mix up and misunderstanding but your second conversation seems to have nixed that.

Having come out of a relationship a couple of years ago with someone who is very black or white in his thinking and for whom conversing with after he had made a decision on something was like talking to a wall (an angry one), I can say that if you are in that situation, where you feel like you are talking to a wall with no hope of compromise, that personality trait doesn't tend to change over time.

I really wish you luck with this situation, because it's a tough thing to go through.

 

[Christina...]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Wow, there really isn't much to be said past all that has already been posted. You've gotten some really good advice but I think that it's really important to remember that we aren't in the relationship with you and know nothing beyond the snapshot they you have provided, so it's easy for us to give advice and opinions. I think that you will have to summon all of your strengnth and courage and confront these issues head on before moving ahead with the relationship. I personally think that it's premature for us to say that the relationship is doomed based solely on the little information that you've provided. You seem baffled by the turn of events, the ring, the MIL, the name calling, so, to me, that says that this is rather new behavior that hasn't occured in the relationship before. If that's true then that also tells me that there is some underlying factor causing this less than stellar behavior on the part of bf and his mother. If it were me, I would want to get to the bottom of it before packing my bags and fleeing. I absolutely do not condone abuse of any sort however I would be a liar if I told you that I had never said things that I was deeply ashamed of in the heat of an arguement. I think that many of us have said hurtful things that we didn't mean and deeply regretted, does it make it ok...of course not, but I wouldn't be ready to pack my bags based on a single display of misjudgement. However, if this is behavior that has happened on more than this single occassion then you really need to re-asess the relationship and how he views you as a partner.

Is it possible that he is second guessing his decision to move forward with the engagement, or the amount that he is comfortable spending on a ring? Is it possible that he has discussed this with your FMIL? It appears he does not want to take accountabilty for how he feels and is instead blaming you. Regardless of why he is treating you the way he is, it's inappropriate and needs to be addressed. I'm hoping that your relationship up to this point has been healthy and loving enough that he will feel confident and comfortable enough to be honest with you about how he is feeling and that you in turn will be able to as well and that mutual you will come to an understanding and be able to move forward both stronger and more united. THIS is what marriage is about.

I especially liked Bliss' advice to you, there is a lot to be learned by trying to understand rather be understood. I have a lot of sympathy for you right now and I'm thinking of you and checking the thread often for updates. As hard as this situation is for you, it's a perfect opportunity for soul searching and reflection. I can think of a hundred cliches to offer right now, but I'll spare you all of that and instead offer you big hugs. Please know that PS may be a diamond forum but it's full of the kindest most insightful and honest people that I have the pleasure of *knowing* and we all truly want only happiness for you. *hugs*

 

[ame]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Hello everyone. My bf and I had a long talk tonight. What did I figure out? To him, my opinion is less important than his family's. He even called me ungrateful b----. He tried to convince me that I'd be happy with a lesser quality engagement ring. He also said we would get married at a city hall and that's the only option. I'm really sick of it. I love him, but I can't be with somebody who wouldn't put me first. He ended up calling his brother and his wife, and they were actually on my side. They ended up telling me that they never want to live close to his mother. My bf got upset and insisted that he's the only one who can protect his mom.

DUMP!

Don't even put more thought into it. End it. He made it abundantly clear that you will always be 2nd class with him. Find someone who will prioritize your relationship over what other people think and want.

If you own your apartment with him, either have him buy out your share or you buy him out and have him move out. If you're not on the lease nor own it and just live in his place, move out asap, and if it's yours have him leave now and have his things removed and sent to him. If his own family sees the issue with this and he still doesn't...he never will, and I pity whoever he ends up with in the end, but for your sake and your sanity, I hope it's not you.

 

[missymoo]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

You need to be very careful of what the others are calling Red Flags. The Rolex. The ring that was one thing and now it's another. The fact that your opinions are not validated or worthy. They are Red Flags to me too. Do you have family? Girlfriends? Are you still in close contact with them? Can you see them freely? Or are you spending so much time with your fiancee that you are isolating yourself? Or is he isolating you from them? That's not healthy if that's the case. You need to decide what you are worth, not what someone decides what they think you are worth. And you are worth so much more than you think.

I second the above. I am so sorry Lemmon Poppy. I wish you only good things in the future!

 

[Lemonpoppy]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

My bf came home tonight and started acting as if nothing had happened. I was hoping to hear "I'm sorry". I'm really too embarrassed to tell the situation to my family or friends. Bf's sister in law was worried and sent me an email offering help. I really don't understand why bf's mother said I was supposed have a ring of a lesser quality compared to bf's sister in law. I really have no idea. I've heard that bf's mother used to be very close her older son before he got married. I don't know what to do now. I don't even want to talk about engagement anymore. I'm very hurt and cannot concentrate on my work. I never expected to get so many comments. I'd like to thank each one of you for your advice and support. Thank you very much.

 

[Anise]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I'm sad to hear about your situation LemonPoppy!

I walked away from a relationship once when it was clear that my wants and needs were not a priority for my partner. We weren't engaged yet but had been in the talks for a while. Whatever you do, do try to take care of yourself. Try not to be hard on yourself, as this situation isn't something you can really control. Things do get better, even though right now it might not seem like they will. Best of luck in all you do!

 

[Alexiszoe]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

*hugs*

I don't think you should be embarrassed at all about what happened, HE should be the one feeling embarrassed, and your family and friends would probably be appalled by his behavior and be understanding. Do you have friends or family in the area whom you can stay with during this period of time to think things through? Given all that has happened and you guys are staying together, having to see him on a daily basis probably makes it even more difficult and painful for you. Having some form of support from those close to you especially right now might be good.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

{{{hugs}}}

 

[ame]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Awww!!! I can't blame you for being so heartbroken. You had a life plan and you were in love and thought this person was planning and on agreement with this plan. He clearly isn't as interested in the plan or sadly in you as he needs to be for you to continue on a path towards marriage. You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, you were misled, he didn't represent himself to you and you believed the best about him bec you love him. I don't see him changing so you need to do what's best for you and I don't get the feeling you staying with him is best for you. You'll feel you settled and compromised yourself for him and his family.

Take a day to accept what you feel you need to do and proceed.