It''s ok to ask for cash as a wedding gift....

[Asscherhalo_lover]

i am so thankful i''m from NY!!!! if anyone here brought a gift to a wedding, they would never hear the end of it.

 

[Linda W]

UH....... My girlfriends daughter was married in New York, where she lives and there were a lot of gifts at that wedding. What is the point?? No comments were made and all were very greatful.

 

[diamondfan]

Well, if I can get myself organized I often like to try to get the gift to the couple prior to the wedding day. Just seems a bit easier if I can do it, but I have brought things if I had to. I like to send it and verify they got it, so it is one less thing to deal with. But again, the couple should just take the gifts, arrange for someone to drop them at their home, and go have a lovely honeymoon.

It is interesting. I agreed with some of the concepts in the article, but not the tone. Some people who might want china etc, maybe they entertain. I have it all and I am not simply a bourgeoisie housewife into collecting my Baccarat. She is judging and labeling in that. I agree that experiences are wonderful and think people should travel if they can and desire to, but do not agree with her overall premise. One look at the title of the article and there is some disparity for sure. I assume the author only gives cash too!

 

[risingsun]

I'm far too frail to carry a gift to a wedding. I have my manservant tend to that sort of thing

I registered for a manservant at Bloomies, it's all the latest thing! My wedding guests were advised to give me a gift I would appreciate and now I have Jeeves

 

[Linda W]

LOL Marian, me too. If I know what they want, I have them sent to their home.

Linda

 

[diamondfan]

But Marian, money is so light weight!! Surely you can give Jeeves the night off then?

 

[risingsun]

Caroline~I will have to give this some thought. I wouldn't want him to develop a sense of entitlement

Who knows what he'll be asking for next!!

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 5/14/2008 10:25:12 PM
Author: luckystar112
I'm confused. When did someone imply that they were entitled to anything?


I just feel like us 'younger gals' are getting a bad rep for nothing right now...

I think everyone is pretty much on the same page when it comes to flat out asking for cash, and no one is doing that. The only thing we all seem to differ on is the honeymoon registry...and well, no one is making you purchase from it. Just like no one is obligated to purchase from any other registry.


Seriously, this thread has gotten out of hand.

No one ever implied they were entitled to anything. Nor did anyone say they would be rude or not gracious if they received a gift they didn't need or want. Further, no one said anyone was obligated to purchase anything on anyone's registry. And last, but certainly not least, NO ONE EVER SAID THEY EXPECTED A GIFT. LOL, yes, it truly has gotten out of hand. Obviously people want to read more than what is actually there. The fact that people get so defensive about it would be funny, if it weren't so lame. Perhaps people are pissy because they had to suffer through bad gifts and think everyone else is obligated to do so. Let's all be martyrs for the gift giver!! Let's ignore what may be proper in individual circles (the fact that this seems to be an American thing speaks volumes). I swear, sometimes people just want a reason to bitch and they bond over it. Not my thing. This thread suddenly makes me feel like I'm in high school.

Peace out.

ps-Just to make sure no one gets confused in the future, *this* is an example of me being (mildly) bitchy.

 

[diamondfan]

HEY NOW! I LOVE my crappy gifts. I have dined out on those stories for YEARS. I have also had some of my best laughs with hubby recalling them. We have laughed until we cried remembering some of them.

I certainly do not WANT anyone to get a crappy gift. What I thought was obnoxious, and what evolved from the original point of the thread (as things do when people weigh in and have their own thougts) is that SOME people were acting as if it would be the most awful and disgraceful thing ever and how dare someone actually in giving a gift give something they did not want or need. How inconsiderate and selfish a gift giver would be viewed if they had the audacity to give an unwanted and unneeded item and how now the recipient was all kinds of inconvenienced to have to DEAL with said gift. How darn tooting that gift giver better know that they really hate silver or have too many damn picture frames already or are resentfully registering for crap they do not really need at a local store just to do it...I just thought these comments were exceptionally bratty. If this is how brides today view things, WOW. Something as simple and nice as giving a gift now has this surrounding it...

I also do not agree that anything goes and that couples should demand certain things, regardless of the author's p.o.v. The classy thing to do is have your wedding, enjoy the company, hope you get some good gifts and forget about the rest. Someone's trash is someone else's treasure, if it offends you that much, donate it somewhere, you might make someone happy.

I agree that when one gives a gift, it is primarily to make the person getting it happy. BUT I disagree that the giver should not take joy. Why should I not want to share and give you a copy of a book I loved? You might like it too! What is wrong with thinking you might also love my favorite restaurant? If you do, great! If not, is it that big of deal? Some of her assumptions and subtext were lame.

You let us "old" toots have our fun. Getting old is terribly boring...we need to spice it up a bit.

 

[Linda W]

This is not an American "thing" Moon Water.

My nieces are Asian/American. My husbands sister is married to a very nice well respected Chinese man. All of my nieces relatives on that side are Chinese. So you see, my dear.. it is not an American thing. People flew in from China to attend, both of these weddings.

Speaking for myself, I have never suffered through a bad or inappropriate gift.. Ever...
Linda

 

[Sparkalicious]

Date: 5/14/2008 5:20:14 PM
Author: pjean
Sparkalicious, please please tell me you made that story up!

Sorry, pjean - 100% truthful.

Embarrassing and shameful but truthful.

 

[risingsun]

MoonWater~I do not want to engage in a debate with you. As I read this thread, I noticed an expectation, from some posters, that IMO demonstrated an entitled attitude. I am not going to find the posts or defend my views. Some of the things that brides-to-be think are reasonable have me shaking my head. Anyone can do whatever they want, but if you start a thread like this you will get a range of opinions.

ETA: the post about the "money dance" reminded me of the movie "They Shoot Horses, Don''t They." I will take a pass on the money dance.

 

[doodle]

Date: 5/14/2008 10:09:29 PM
Author: Linda W

In my opinion and my opinion only, brides today, expect to much and are very spoiled.


Linda

i found this statement pretty funny because it reminded me of an argument that happened recently between my mother and grandmother (with me sitting there looking back and forth between them like wait...what just happened! haha). my FI and i had just signed our contract with our photographer, and my grandmother asked how much we were paying for it, so my mom told her the photography package was a little under $4000. my grandmother had a fit and called me a spoiled brat for paying that much for pictures, saying that i should''ve just gone to the same photographer my mother used for her wedding back in 1981. i can''t even express my grandmother''s shock when i told her that the same photographer was in fact still in business and even still offered the same package that my mother had purchased almost 30 years ago, except that what my mother paid $450 for is now $7500. she sat there for a minute mulling it over, then said..."well...then i guess you didn''t get such a bad deal after all!"

Linda, you''re more than entitled to your opinion, but I think placing unflattering labels on an ENTIRE generation of brides is somewhat of a stretch. I can only speak for myself on this one, but as far as my situation goes, I do feel a sense of entitlement that my WEDDING be what i want it to be, as i should because i''m paying for most of it. a parallel to that would be if you were paying for your dinner in a restaurant--would you not feel entitled to the meal you purchased? as for the registry, i registered for a honeymoon with no expectations. quite frankly, for me it was convenience--my family members requested that i make one because they wanted to buy me wedding gifts, and as i''ve already purchased all the housewares i need, i lacked the enthusiasm to register for a fourth set of plates.

i don''t think the newer concepts of registries have to do with entitlement so much as a shift in where people are now when they get married versus say twenty years ago. my mom got married when she was 18 and went straight from living at home to living with a husband. i, on the other hand, graduated high school and promptly moved into my own place so i wouldn''t have to explain why strangers were doing keg stands in mom''s kitchen at 4 am.

nowadays, many brides have been either living on their own or with their SO for a while, so the "let''s give them gifts to help them build their first home" mentality isn''t quite the same. that''s just my take on it, anyway!

DF, your readers??!? that makes you sound old enough to be using a zimmer frame!

 

[diamondfan]

Doodle. my mom calls them that! I am 42 and do need them, but I go for a more hip looks.

I too feel a bit, from what I read here, that there are some issues of entitlement. To say that you had better get ONLY gifts you want or need, to expect the giver to always have the ability to please you, because you are throwing a party? Boorish is all I can say. To me, you simply do not have a party for any other reason than to celebrate.

I am passed the point where I know lots of people getting married, so I only glean my information from here for the most part. I have a couple of older friends whose kids are starting the process, but we do not really discuss gifts.

I am sure the majority of young women getting married have good heads on their shoulders and are reasonable when it all boils down to it. But some do come across as having a bit of a ''tude.

Wow, the price increase and the fact that he is still around is hysterical. Really puts things into perspective.

 

[Bia]

Doodle, that was eloquently put. I agree with you 100%. Brides, now-a-days, are in a different place than our mother and grandmothers were 20 years ago. This is why I love the idea of a honeymoon registry--it gives options, people! While I will need my own new "stuff" (we have a lot of hand-me-downs that are perfect, but they are, in fact, "hand-me-downs") I would not have a problem with contributing to someone''s honeymoon fund if that is what they needed. What do I care? It should be about what that couple needs, and if it''s money, I am all for it. Keeping in mind that the majority of brides are not trust-fund babies...so many of us DO need money.

With that being said, I will also mention that I do think many brides to get carried away with their weddings. This whole notion of a BRIDEZILLA...that''s just ridiculous. But, if you''re paying for your wedding, you should have what you want and do what you want, as long as you''re not stepping on toes...IMO anyway.

 

[surfgirl]

I just looked at a relative's wedding website and thought I'd post what they have on it here. They of course have a registry link and when you get to that page it says that they've registered at a few places but really, they just want to celebrate with their guests and expect no gifts. Then, they go on to list a charity that they like. Okay, I'm fine with that. Then, they say if you want to contribute to their honeymoon you can call their mothers for info. Then they say you can buy them their china pattern. Then, they say you can buy some stuff for them on another kitchen-related site, where, amongst the offered suggestions, you can buy them scouring powder for their pots and pans for $3.99. Huh? AND, on the kitchen wares link page, they say that they'd like you to consider donating to their preferred charity in addition to a gift...or instead of.

To me, it's a bit much. Either you really dont want gifts and you simply say, no gifts necessary, your presence is our gift, or give a registry. But this? Just seems oddly disingenuous to me. Does anyone else think it's weird?

ETA: I'm only bringing this up since we had this very recent thread going...

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 5/15/2008 8:51:29 PM
Author: surfgirl
I just looked at a relative''s wedding website and thought I''d post what they have on it here. They of course have a registry link and when you get to that page it says that they''ve registered at a few places but really, they just want to celebrate with their guests and expect no gifts. Then, they go on to list a charity that they like. Okay, I''m fine with that. Then, they say if you want to contribute to their honeymoon you can call their mothers for info. Then they say you can buy them their china pattern. Then, they say you can buy some stuff for them on another kitchen-related site, where, amongst the offered suggestions, you can buy them scouring powder for their pots and pans for $3.99. Huh? AND, on the kitchen wares link page, they say that they''d like you to consider donating to their preferred charity in addition to a gift...or instead of.

To me, it''s a bit much. Either you really dont want gifts and you simply say, no gifts necessary, your presence is our gift, or give a registry. But this? Just seems oddly disingenuous to me. Does anyone else think it''s weird?

ETA: I''m only bringing this up since we had this very recent thread going...

I haven''t contributed to this thread because it''s the same old, same old. But I''ll come out of lurking to say that yes, that is weird.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 5/15/2008 8:51:29 PM
Author: surfgirl
I just looked at a relative''s wedding website and thought I''d post what they have on it here. They of course have a registry link and when you get to that page it says that they''ve registered at a few places but really, they just want to celebrate with their guests and expect no gifts. Then, they go on to list a charity that they like. Okay, I''m fine with that. Then, they say if you want to contribute to their honeymoon you can call their mothers for info. Then they say you can buy them their china pattern. Then, they say you can buy some stuff for them on another kitchen-related site, where, amongst the offered suggestions, you can buy them scouring powder for their pots and pans for $3.99. Huh? AND, on the kitchen wares link page, they say that they''d like you to consider donating to their preferred charity in addition to a gift...or instead of.

To me, it''s a bit much. Either you really dont want gifts and you simply say, no gifts necessary, your presence is our gift, or give a registry. But this? Just seems oddly disingenuous to me. Does anyone else think it''s weird?

ETA: I''m only bringing this up since we had this very recent thread going...

Yeah, that''s a bit much.

The whole registry thing can cause endless debates (as we can tell, since we''re now at page 5).

When we registered, it took a lot of time because I kept thinking of how we should put things on there in different price ranges. I still look at what we registered for and wonder if it looks like we''re too cheap or too greedy (with a few items). That obviously wasn''t our intent, and if someone happens to think so, they don''t need to use the registry. It doesn''t really matter to me.

 

[surfgirl]

TG, thanks for your comment. I''m glad I wasn''t the only one to think it was really bizarre.

 

[doodle]

firstly and foremostly, i do have to say that the idea of expectations because you''re throwing a party to me is obscene! i see a wedding reception not only as a means of celebrating the couple''s union, but also as a big old fabulous "thank you so much for sharing our day with us" for your guests. i think that''s also the logic behind why cash bars are traditionally considered rude by many--you''re charging your guests for a party that is supposed to be for them as much as the couple. i do agree that some brides take it waaaay too far, both with their registries and with their weddings in general. i personally am missing a bridezilla gene--i actually had a bridesmaid tell me she thought wearing silver shoes with blue dresses sucked and would prefer to buy shoes dyed to match her dress. my response--i don''t care if you get your @$$ tattooed cornflower and wear buttless chaps as long as you''re there with me to party!

again, i think it depends on your social circle--if you only know millionaires, there''s not anything wrong with registering for platinum rimmed china that''s $400 a plate, IMHO, but if your circle tends to have more realistic finances, i think brides should match that and have more options available for those who would like to get a gift. i just don''t see the point in people arguing over WHAT those gifts should be because i think that should be left to the discretion of the giver. as it has been stated before, a registry is just a list of suggestions of what the couple would like, but it''s not a list of hard and fast rules! ...or at least i don''t think it should be!

 

[diamondfan]

Surf, that is odd. Like you said, either say no gifts and mean it or have a registry. And methinks she can buy her own Bon Ami at the market like everyone else...

I had various things on mine, in all price ranges. I registered at a couple of places. My mom bought me all of my sterling, service for 12. But she made me choose Towle, which is fine, when I really want Buccelati. Silver was sky high then, and it so happened my setting of choice was $1500.00 for 5 pieces. I wanted a couple of extra pieces, which would have made it 2000.00 per setting. My mom said NO. Her best friend bought me all of my china. Again, I like Haviland limoges and it was about 500.00 per place setting. She told me to pick something more reasonable. I chose Wedgwood. This was 18 years ago. I used it once and hated it. I just got all new stuff in the last year or so. Which is not totally the issue BUT...I had things on there that were $20.00 or so, so no one had to feel everything was pricey.

Honestly, there is nothing wrong with liking gifts. But why should I, the giver, have to feel that I had better hit it spot on OR ELSE? And why, as the giver, should I not enjoy choosing something and hoping it pleases you? THAT is part of gift giving and receiving to me. Life is too short. If you do not love it, return it. But there is no need to feel hostility towards the giver. I just would never think someone who just gave me a gift was trying to do something terrible to me. It would never cross my mind.

 

[CJ2008]

I see that some feel that it is rude that a bride/groom expect any gifts at their wedding because it is a celebration of their union, it''s a party you''re throwing to be able to share the day with your guests, etc. I totally get that, it definitely sounds like the "right" thing. Of course it makes me feel a little ashamed/guilty because quite honestly, although we haven''t asked for anything, only told my parents about our (very small) registry, and are paying for the wedding ourselves, we are hoping people give us gifts!

We don''t talk about it all the time, or sit there speculating, but I am thinking we''re going to get gifts? I also agree that a lot of what you do/expect depends on your social circle. I''ve just never gone to a wedding and didn''t give a gift...so maybe that''s part of the reason it''s "expected"? (ties back to the social circle thing?)

But I want to ask you guys one question...for those who really feel that truly gifts should not be expected, are you saying that if at your wedding, you had absolutely zero gifts, that it wouldn''t cross your mind to be like ?huh? I am really curious about this...

 

[diamondfan]

I never implied I did not happily accept gifts. I did not state no gifts on my invites. My point (I will only speak for myself here now) is I did not have a wedding thinking, yeah, gifts, and darn it they had better be great or else. And how dare anyone give me crap, because I am too important to have to take the time to return the crap to the store or otherwise get rid of it. It is subtle...but the difference, to me, is, yes, it is more than likely you will get gifts from those who attend and even some who do not. Yes, you can direct people towards certain things if you want to. But NO, do not HAVE a wedding just for gifts. If you want gifts and do not give a hoot who is there to celebrate with you, spend your money on some stuff and forget the wedding.

Registries exist for a reason. And etiquette would dictate bringing a gift. I would never not get someone a gift, it is just not comfortable to me to show up with nothing. But what if someone really cannot spend the money, but wants to be there with you, and you want them? Should they decline? I just hate the attitude that it has to be expensive, cover the plate, be wanted, be special...the expectation that the gifts go hand in glove with throwing the wedding at all.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 5/15/2008 10:08:55 PM
Author: claudinam
I see that some feel that it is rude that a bride/groom expect any gifts at their wedding because it is a celebration of their union, it's a party you're throwing to be able to share the day with your guests, etc. I totally get that, it definitely sounds like the 'right' thing. Of course it makes me feel a little ashamed/guilty because quite honestly, although we haven't asked for anything, only told my parents about our (very small) registry, and are paying for the wedding ourselves, we are hoping people give us gifts!

We don't talk about it all the time, or sit there speculating, but I am thinking we're going to get gifts? I also agree that a lot of what you do/expect depends on your social circle. I've just never gone to a wedding and didn't give a gift...so maybe that's part of the reason it's 'expected'? (ties back to the social circle thing?)


But I want to ask you guys one question...for those who really feel that truly gifts should not be expected, are you saying that if at your wedding, you had absolutely zero gifts, that it wouldn't cross your mind to be like ?huh? I am really curious about this...

I understand what you're saying. I know I would be surprised if no one bought a gift. I'd never go to a wedding without bringing something..a card at least? Something? I surely hope I didn't come across as feeling entitled since I am definitely one of the "younger girls" around.

I don't feel entitled. I just think most people or many people will bring gifts, so I would like to register so I could have a better chance at getting what I want and need. But I do love surprises as well, a gift's a gift. And of course money would always be nice because we aren't rich. If we were, I'd beg people not to bring gifts and request that they donate to a charity.

ETA: And as for someone not being able to afford a gift, of course I'd rather have them there! Jeeze the idea of having a wedding for gifts is INSANE! Gifts are great and all, but it's not what the wedding is about.

 

[CJ2008]

df, I hear what you''re saying...

It''s always etiquette to bring a gift, but if someone doesn''t give you a gift, or gives you something you don''t want, or whatever, people shouldn''t feel pissed, etc.

I think that is the "right" and noble thing to do/think/feel. But I think that most people expect that guests will bring them gifts, and that they expect they not be cheap (for lack of finding a better way to say it, but I think you get my point). Although I think if you''re a nice/average person, you''re going to understand if someone can''t afford to give you anything at all, or something "not cheap" (again, for lack of a better way of saying it). And if you''re inviting people for the right reasons, and not for what they can give you, yes, you''d want people there that you care about, gift or no gift...

I can''t even think though that someone would have a wedding just for the gifts they might get...

Then again, I remember a long time ago, an acquantaince of mine asking me to let her know for sure if I was going to attend her wedding because otherwise she wouldn''t send me an invitation, and save the stamp, how everything was so expensive, etc. etc. I am telling you I am not exaggerating. I remember feeling like the only reason she''d want me there is for what I might be bringing them. Needless to say, I never went.

But I did let her put the invite in the mail.

hehe

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 5/15/2008 10:38:36 PM
Author: claudinam
df, I hear what you''re saying...


It''s always etiquette to bring a gift, but if someone doesn''t give you a gift, or gives you something you don''t want, or whatever, people shouldn''t feel pissed, etc.


I think that is the ''right'' and noble thing to do/think/feel. But I think that most people expect that guests will bring them gifts, and that they expect they not be cheap (for lack of finding a better way to say it, but I think you get my point). Although I think if you''re a nice/average person, you''re going to understand if someone can''t afford to give you anything at all, or something ''not cheap'' (again, for lack of a better way of saying it). And if you''re inviting people for the right reasons, and not for what they can give you, yes, you''d want people there that you care about, gift or no gift...


I can''t even think though that someone would have a wedding just for the gifts they might get...


Then again, I remember a long time ago, an acquantaince of mine asking me to let her know for sure if I was going to attend her wedding because otherwise she wouldn''t send me an invitation, and save the stamp, how everything was so expensive, etc. etc. I am telling you I am not exaggerating. I remember feeling like the only reason she''d want me there is for what I might be bringing them. Needless to say, I never went.

But I did let her put the invite in the mail.

hehe

Haha wow! Well I do feel dollared to death, so I can understand who she felt that way. But that is still rude and totally unacceptable! I just feel lately like everything and everyone is trying to suck money out of me.

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 5/15/2008 10:25:50 PM
Author: SarahLovesJS


...And of course money would always be nice because we aren't rich. If we were, I'd beg people not to bring gifts and request that they donate to a charity.

Actually if you were rich and it wasn't particularly "new" money, you probably wouldn't be begging people not to bring gifts, nor would you mention a charity.

Trust me on this. In my circle, gifts aren't mentioned period. There may be a registry or not. But it will never be mentioned by the couple in any way shape or form. It would also be considered in extremely poor taste to suggest donations to a charity as that would imply an assumption that guests are expected to contribute anything. You might wonder then how does anyone know about the couples registry if there is one? Invitees would request the information from the MOH, or the bride or grooms parents. Obviously there won't be a money dance either

No one I know would give any thought to the gift covering the cost of the plate. That doesn't mean that they have so much money that it's meaningless either. Many of the older families are practically penniless. They may have lost their money, but they haven't lost their manners

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 5/15/2008 10:44:56 PM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 5/15/2008 10:25:50 PM

Author: SarahLovesJS



...And of course money would always be nice because we aren''t rich. If we were, I''d beg people not to bring gifts and request that they donate to a charity.

Actually if you were rich and it wasn''t particularly ''new'' money, you probably wouldn''t be begging people not to bring gifts, nor would you mention a charity.


Trust me on this. In my circle, gifts aren''t mentioned period. There may be a registry or not. But it will never be mentioned by the couple in any way shape or form. It would also be considered in extremely poor taste to suggest donations to a charity as that would imply an assumption that guests are expected to contribute anything. You might wonder then how does anyone know about the couples registry if there is one? Invitees would request the information from the MOH, or the bride or grooms parents. Obviously there won''t be a money dance either

No one I know would give any thought to the gift covering the cost of the plate. That doesn''t mean that they have so much money that it''s meaningless either. Many of the older families are practically penniless. They may have lost their money, but they haven''t lost their manners

Well I guess it''s even more obvious that I''m not rich.

 

[CJ2008]

Sarah, believe me when I tell you, now that I''m planning my own wedding, and paying for it, I know how everything adds up! I just thought like "so I need to tell you right now if I''m going, otherwise I lose my chance?" I don''t know if she did that with anybody else, but I thought it was very weird...

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 5/15/2008 10:47:09 PM
Author: claudinam
Sarah, believe me when I tell you, now that I''m planning my own wedding, and paying for it, I know how everything adds up! I just thought like ''so I need to tell you right now if I''m going, otherwise I lose my chance?'' I don''t know if she did that with anybody else, but I thought it was very weird...

No offense to your friend or anything, but it is definitely taking the penny pinching too far! I agree totally.