It''s ok to ask for cash as a wedding gift....

[bee*]

Date: 5/14/2008 5:55:27 AM
Author: Delster

Date: 5/13/2008 10:28:56 PM

Author: brazen_irish_hussy

In many cultures, it is the norm to give money. For my Jewish friends in NY, you NEVER give anything else. Same with my friends from cyprus, germany, my stateside irish and german relatives also believe money is best. When I told one of my Chinese friends that we were having a registry, she was horrified. In China, giving a gift rather than money is like saying the reciever is so bad with money you couldn''t trust them with it. Interestingly, that is exactly what you said.

It''s the same in the old country brazen! Cash is the accepted gift here, even from the couple''s parents and immediate family. Couples often have registries for the benefit of the doting grand-Aunties who want to buy china etc but those same doting grand-Aunties usually grumble about the poor etiquette of actually having a registry.


I do agree that it seems uncouth to ask for a gift (whether cash or not). A gift should be treated as an unexpected bonus I think.


Of course you could go all out like one of my family and keep a running tally of the cash gifts written on a pad, face up on the kitchen table, in full view of anyone who happens to drop in for a cup of tea!

ditto. We always give money to any of the weddings we''ve been to.

Someone actually kept tabs

 

[Delster]

Date: 5/14/2008 12:44:15 PM
Author: bee*


ditto. We always give money to any of the weddings we've been to.

Someone actually kept tabs

Yes! Well I can understand the keeping a list, to send thank you cards or what not (although it took her a year to send those actually), but brazenly leaving it out on the table?!? At first I thought it was some kind of accident that she'd left the pad out but then she went round and tidied up a bit and she shuffled all the papers into one pile, and then took the pad out from the bottom and returned it to face up in the centre of the table. I was so shocked.

 

[bee*]

Date: 5/14/2008 12:49:05 PM
Author: Delster

Date: 5/14/2008 12:44:15 PM

Author: bee*



ditto. We always give money to any of the weddings we''ve been to.


Someone actually kept tabs

Yes! Well I can understand the keeping a list, to send thank you cards or what not (although it took her a year to send those actually), but brazenly leaving it out on the table?!? At first I thought it was some kind of accident that she''d left the pad out but then she went round and tidied up a bit and she shuffled all the papers into one pile, and then took the pad out from the bottom and returned it to face up in the centre of the table. I was so shocked.

lol! I know some people that would do the exact same too!! I wouldn''t have the nerve.

 

[diamondfan]

Well, first, not sure what kinds of people are giving gifts to a couple of you gals, but I would simply never think someone was selfish for giving me a gift! It is absurd to think someone taking time to do so is TRYING TO BE THOUGHTLESS (or rude or inconsiderate), to decide they are giving you something whether you need it or not is just so negative!!! Unless of course it is my mother in law.

I appreciate a gift where the giver THOUGHT of me and maybe it is not something I NEED but something great, something I did not think of. Some if the best gifts I have gotten have been things done creatively or that show deep knowledge of things I am interested in. How is every person supposed to know all the stuff you have and what you might be lacking? Is this a general statement about ALL gifts, not just wedding or engagement gifts? Of course you might get crap you do not want or need. I am sure some of the people posting their ire about GETTING wrong gifts have GIVEN some too in their day. It can be totally accidental. I mean, that is why a registry makes sense overall, yes we need dishes but we like THESE. No, no toaster needed, but a blender we could use. Times used to be a young couple would NOT have all of that stuff, and in starting a home they would need it. Now, with couples marrying older or merging homes post divorce, it is a different circumstance, though you still might need or want some of those items.

If you know a couple intimately you can make a better guess at what they need in the absence of the information on a registry. But yikes, to ascribe such hostility or passive aggressiveness to the act of giving a gift is bizarre to me, unless you know the person went out of their way to give you something inappropriate or was being nasty in what they gave.

Again, I got married a long time ago. NO ONE would have asked for money towards a honeymoon. Have times changed? Sure. Does not mean that it is proper or tasteful to do certain things. A lot has changed in the world and not necessarily for the better. I feel, go on the honeymoon you can afford. I would never ask for that, just not in my comfort zone, I did not need to and I would not have even if I did. And if I attended a wedding where someone did ask, I might contribute to it, really cannot say as it has not come up. It would depend on certain things, and though I happily give checks in general, I was not asked to do it. In those cases I knew money would be the most appreciated thing.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 5/14/2008 12:09:13 PM
Author: MoonWater

Date: 5/14/2008 11:48:05 AM
Author: luckystar112
It seems like picture frames are the 'go to' gift for a lot of people.
My mom told me that she got NINE at her wedding (and it was actually a barbeque with only 30 people).

After hearing that, I won't buy anyone a frame anymore. I (personally) never thought it was that thoughtful anyway. I always look on the registry first, and if someone had a honeymoon registry I would TOTALLY get them something off of it. I like gifts where people get to experience things though. I feel like experiences in life are way more treasured, loved, and remembered than any flatware!

I like this site: www.xperiencedays.com

Edit: That came out wrong...I love picture frames and I always buy them from myself! I'm just afraid of getting nine. lol

Haha, I'm afraid of getting them as well. Especially silver ones (all of mine are wood). Not to mention we aren't the type of couple to display wedding photos. I'll put them in a nice book but that's it. Now that I think about it, I have only given a couple of picture frames in my life and they were unique and/or colorful and given to a person who just had a child.

I'm sorry, but this is getting seriously bitchy and I can't help feeling that your above comment Moonwater is directly aimed at myself and Surfgirl.

Quite frankly I don't give a damn what or how you register for or ask for, or how you choose to give gifts.

Luckily I have friends and relations who are rather more gracious that you appear to be about gifts.

 

[purrfectpear]

A few posters have brought up the "times have changed" view.

Yes, times have changed. There was a time when no bride in her right mind would have chosen a wedding dress with her boobage seriously hanging out, or a backless dress to the crack of her bottom

Clearly there are some brides who are wearing these dresses because they are for sale. Does that make it good taste? Probably not. Sadly several churches have had to post guidelines now. There was a time when no one needed to be told what was in poor taste.

Informal beach or park weddings are one thing, but some of the stuff I''ve seen in church weddings has been pretty appalling.

 

[surfgirl]

Pandora, it''s not worth it, really. Let it go. I''m sure you have exquisite taste and I''m sure I''d be thrilled to receive any sterling frame you sent my way (wait, huh? Is that a hint?!?)...I dont know anyone who would turn up their nose at a silver frame or a gorgeous crystal vase, but hey, maybe my friends and family are weird!

We should know better than to participate in these threads anyway because they never end up well...How a person handles gift giving and receiving is a very personal thing and when people go against social convention and are told their approach isn''t proper, that infers they have poor manners, and I understand why that would make some upset. I think that''s why these threads always go this way - at least that''s my hypothesis.

luckystar, maybe you can put in a little something in your invites that says "Please, no thoughtless picture frames" and perhaps Moon can do the same but say "Please, only give wooden frames, we loathe silver".

 

[MoonWater]

DF, you're right, people may not know everything about you and what you have. That's precisely why a registry is useful and if a honeymoon is on it, so what. If you don't feel comfortable contributing, again, so what. You aren't being forced to. Why is that point consistently missed? Why are you offended by a suggestion? (this is a general you btw)

Pandora, I'm sorry you feel this has become "seriously bitchy" although I don't feel my comment about not wanting picture frames (and not liking silver ones in particular) was bitchy. However, to say that I am somehow not gracious about gifts because I think the gift giver could stand to be more thoughtful and less ego driven, does seem bitchy. But, you know what? I don't care. I'm not that sensitive when dealing with strangers, most especially not on a message board.

I feel like people take this topic WAY too seriously. I am ALWAYS gracious when accepting gifts, whether I care for them or not. But, I am the type of person who is much happier giving gifts which is why I was talking about what it's like for me to give and why *I* personally do NOT take offense to someone making their wishes known. I also noticed a few contradictions (i.e. a registry is ok but god forbid if someone puts a larger item they actually want/need on there...that...YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO BUY...lol geez).

Last, I thought the article was an interesting take on the cash gift/honeymoon registry idea (such as being more environmentally friendly). I actually didn't expect people to flip out over it. But whatevs.

What it comes down to is forcing your own morals/beliefs on other people. Very few people who objected to the cash idea ended with a "but, if it works in your circle, that's great" there were assumptions about who we or others would offend which I think is damn right absurd. It's not your cup of tea, so be it. Maybe it is someone elses. Be happy.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 5/14/2008 1:39:13 PM
Author: surfgirl
Pandora, it''s not worth it, really. Let it go. I''m sure you have exquisite taste and I''m sure I''d be thrilled to receive any sterling frame you sent my way (wait, huh? Is that a hint?!?)...I dont know anyone who would turn up their nose at a silver frame or a gorgeous crystal vase, but hey, maybe my friends and family are weird!

We should know better than to participate in these threads anyway because they never end up well...How a person handles gift giving and receiving is a very personal thing and when people go against social convention and are told their approach isn''t proper, that infers they have poor manners, and I understand why that would make some upset. I think that''s why these threads always go this way - at least that''s my hypothesis.

luckystar, maybe you can put in a little something in your invites that says ''Please, no thoughtless picture frames'' and perhaps Moon can do the same but say ''Please, only give wooden frames, we loathe silver''.

Oh surfgirl. You know I adore you. But what you think is classic may not be classic for others. I have a few crystal wine glasses and a crystal decantor for good whiskey. But a crystal vase just ain''t my style. I grew up in a crystal home and I have an adversion to it because I was forced to clean it!! And silver doesn''t match although I recognize it as something traditional. I''m not that traditional, in case you hadn''t noticed. I would assume you''d gather enough info to find out what a couple would prefer (like if they want that silver picture frame). If not, oh well. We are different types of givers.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 5/14/2008 1:39:13 PM
Author: surfgirl
Pandora, it's not worth it, really. Let it go. I'm sure you have exquisite taste and I'm sure I'd be thrilled to receive any sterling frame you sent my way (wait, huh? Is that a hint?!?)...I dont know anyone who would turn up their nose at a silver frame or a gorgeous crystal vase, but hey, maybe my friends and family are weird!


We should know better than to participate in these threads anyway because they never end up well...How a person handles gift giving and receiving is a very personal thing and when people go against social convention and are told their approach isn't proper, that infers they have poor manners, and I understand why that would make some upset. I think that's why these threads always go this way - at least that's my hypothesis.


luckystar, maybe you can put in a little something in your invites that says 'Please, no thoughtless picture frames' and perhaps Moon can do the same but say 'Please, only give wooden frames, we loathe silver'.

I like picture frames.

I gave a nice one from PB to someone we know that got married recently that says "I do." on it. I haven't heard that they got a ton of picture frames, but hey guess it does happen! However, I'd appreciate a picture frame or two. And I agree, I don't know anyone who would be opposed to a nice picture frame or vase. I don't even have a nice vase! I'm not opposed to receiving gifts people put thought into. I also know a lot of FI's family will have no idea what to get us since they don't even know us. So I think they'd probably prefer to pick off a registry or do money. But I'll leave it up to them! I think it's exciting! Oh and I think someone mentioned engagement party gifts..we had an engagement party (my parents had it) and we explicitly said no gifts! Everyone's presence was definitely all we wanted.

ETA: I wanted to say I also agree with you Moon about different circles. In mine it'd be like ghastly, but in others it'd be fine. I guess it's just about how you think your group would react.

 

[Bia]

Hmmmm...Tricky.

I am one of those that hates giving gift cards. To me, there is no sentiment behind one. However, I will say, in a jam, it''s perfect. For situations like a wedding, I usually give two gifts. For my brother''s fiance and BF''s sister''s wedding, since I am/was in the wedding party, I gave them both a joint gift (with the rest of the Bridal Party) and a personal gift, from me to her--this way I was able to get them what they need and also give her something from me, b/c she will be my SIL and I love her (BF''s sister too!). I will (and did) also give money as a wedding gift--that is where the real cash comes in. In Hispanic culture, it is customary to give a household gift at the BS and a small token gift w/ the real money at the wedding--but the whole point is to give a couple money, b/c it is assumed they need it. I am not sure if that is everywhere, although I see it happen often. Of course, money is never the wrong gift, but I understand how some people would rather not give it.

I, personally, like the idea of having a travel fund in place of a registry. Every couple is different and it annoys the hell out of me when Emily Post proper-etiquette-woman (is that her name?) or the like, dictates how every single scenario should be handled. Another thing, when people say that a gift is not expected, I agree, but I also agree that it is poor etiquette to not bring a little something. I always bring something, whether it is wine or whatever, when I am invited anywhere...unless its my family--then I''m just a mooch!

I liked that article and if I didn''t need so much stuff, I would probably spread the word about a honeymoon fund too!

 

[MoonWater]

Thanks for understanding Sarah!

Bia, interesting post! You sound similar to me. I also hate gift cards but my best friend will always request one. It's so boring LOL. But I do what you do, I get the gift requested and throw in another gift of my choosing. That way I can give exactly what they wanted and also something I think they want/could use that may have been mentioned in passing but not requested. Sometimes I'll throw in extra goodies that *I* really like but have no idea if they will. That's just a bonus. If it turns out I was wrong about the guess gifts, at least I know they are happy with the one they asked for.

I'm learning something about cultural differences. As it stands I need to be Irish, Italian and Hispanic hehehe.

ETA: I also think it's in poor taste to show up to something you were invited to empty handed. At the very least, I bring wine (unless the person has another preference).

 

[luckystar112]

Surfgirl, that's NOT what I meant. I will appreciate any gift I get. Please don’t put words in my mouth.

Edit: I was basically trying to say that I will use caution when get buying frames as wedding presents because it seems like a lot of people have the same idea. Not trying to insult anyone's gift choices. Geeze

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 5/14/2008 3:20:34 PM
Author: luckystar112
Surfgirl, that''s NOT what I meant. I will appreciate any gift I get. Please don’t put words in my mouth.

Lucky, I didn''t put any words in your mouth, I was only going on exactly what you said. I think "not thoughtful" was the wording you actually used.

Moon, you know I feel the same way about you, but I just think asking for contributions to one''s honeymoon is beyond the scope of what I, as a wedding guest, should be "giving". And believe me, if I knew you well and was invited to your wedding, I still wouldn''t be contributing to something that I felt wasn''t my obligation to fund - be it part of your wedding or your honeymoon. But suffice it to say, if I was one of your guest''s, you would be receiving a very thoughtful, unique gift that I would know you''d adore and yeah, it probably wouldn''t be my usual gift since I would know that you didn''t care for such things, but it would be something you''d never splurge on for yourself and it would be something you''d very much like, and something given from the heart. You can bet on that.

 

[doodle]

Date: 5/14/2008 3:12:11 PM
Author: MoonWater

I''m learning something about cultural differences. As it stands I need to be Irish, Italian and Hispanic hehehe.

HAHAHA!! i''m irish-italian and marrying a puerto rican. maybe that''s why the only person who has expressed distaste with our honeymoon registry is my grandmother...although hers was mainly because she doesn''t know how to use the internet, heh.

i can''t believe the hostility that''s been going around PS lately--we''re starting to sound like the knot!! it''s an interesting point that just popped into my head--many would consider it a bit thoughtless for someone to give a gift that would be utterly useless or disliked (i like someone''s example earlier of giving a man mascara). i think it could go the other way, too, though. i mean, if someone walks up to you and specifically asks you what you would like (note that i said they''re asking you; you didn''t bring it up, so that negates any debate over the expectation of gifts and social decorum there!), and you tell them you want something that you KNOW they might have an aversion to, isn''t that kind of the same thing? someone mentioned earlier that this debate always gets heated because it brings manners into question and people take it personally. spot on assessment! in the end, do what is acceptable to you and your social circle (i add that last part because i assume the vast majority wouldn''t want to offend their family or friends, so they''d take their feelings into consideration somewhat, too). only you can know what will work for you.

 

[luckystar112]

What I meant is that it doesn''t seem as thoughtful when you get NINE. Kind of like the toaster thing.

Whatever...this is silly, and I have no idea why I care. I know that I''m a great gift giver as WELL as a great reciever.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 5/14/2008 3:31:13 PM
Author: surfgirl

Date: 5/14/2008 3:20:34 PM
Author: luckystar112
Surfgirl, that''s NOT what I meant. I will appreciate any gift I get. Please don’t put words in my mouth.

Lucky, I didn''t put any words in your mouth, I was only going on exactly what you said. I think ''not thoughtful'' was the wording you actually used.

Moon, you know I feel the same way about you, but I just think asking for contributions to one''s honeymoon is beyond the scope of what I, as a wedding guest, should be ''giving''. And believe me, if I knew you well and was invited to your wedding, I still wouldn''t be contributing to something that I felt wasn''t my obligation to fund - be it part of your wedding or your honeymoon. But suffice it to say, if I was one of your guest''s, you would be receiving a very thoughtful, unique gift that I would know you''d adore and yeah, it probably wouldn''t be my usual gift since I would know that you didn''t care for such things, but it would be something you''d never splurge on for yourself and it would be something you''d very much like, and something given from the heart. You can bet on that.

So, wanna come to my wedding?

Haha, seriously. I think it''s obvious that you are a very thoughtful gift giver.

 

[Courtneylub]

This is getting so ridiculous.

I''m not going to nit pick each comment, but I am so sick of people''s opinions on this subject. It''s become pure RAMBLING!!

Register for whatever you want. GIVE whatever you want. And shut up about it for the love of God.

I gave guests options...BBB for crap I don''t really need or give $25 towards snorkeling in the Bahamas. If any of you think it''s tacky, I really don''t give a damn.

And please don''t compare registering for honeymoon activites to wearing wedding dresses with my boobs hanging out. Give me a break. When I say times have changed, they have. Don''t act like it''s class vs. trash.

 

[Bia]

???

 

[newbie124]

Date: 5/14/2008 3:12:11 PM
Author: MoonWater
Bia, interesting post! You sound similar to me. I also hate gift cards but my best friend will always request one. It''s so boring LOL. But I do what you do, I get the gift requested and throw in another gift of my choosing. That way I can give exactly what they wanted and also something I think they want/could use that may have been mentioned in passing but not requested. Sometimes I''ll throw in extra goodies that *I* really like but have no idea if they will. That''s just a bonus. If it turns out I was wrong about the guess gifts, at least I know they are happy with the one they asked for.

I''m learning something about cultural differences. As it stands I need to be Irish, Italian and Hispanic hehehe.

Don''t forget Asian! Hmm...sounds like a majority of the world''s population considers cash gifts quite common and accepted. Funny that it isn''t quite so in the US, even though we''re a "melting pot" of cultures, and people seem to think it''s just not the norm period.

 

[pjean]

Sparkalicious, please please tell me you made that story up!

 

[diamondfan]

I would never not give a gift, whether it be a wedding or a dinner party. I would just prefer it not be expected and judged.

I am always gracious in giving and receiving gifts. I can do what I want later on, but I would never make someone feel badly if they went to the trouble. Even if I hate it, own one already, do not need it. And I have taught my kids the same thing.

I would hate to put time and effort into something only to learn the recipient is pissed off because they do not like it or want it and now have to return it. I might miss the mark sometimes but I always keep the recipient in mind. ALWAYS. And I would think someone rude beyond words if the first thought they had upon getting a gift was along the lines of some of the posters. How can "give a gift" go along with a nasty intent or negative attitude, even if it is not a perfect item?

Mores and customs change, but each person should do what feels comfortable. Just because someone decided it was okay does not make it so. One has to decide for him or herself if it crosses a line to them.

 

[Linda W]

I agree Caroline. When my daughter was married, she received a few beautiful picture frames. She saved them. When her two boys were born. She had these beautiful frames to put pictures of herself holding her precious babies in. She was glad she had them and had saved them.

In my opinion and my opinion only, brides today, expect to much and are very spoiled. They should do what they can afford, go on a honeymoon she and her fiance'' can afford, without asking for money for drinks by the pool, jet ski trips, scuba diving lessons, etc, like my hubbies two nieces did. BTW, only ONE person contributed to that registry and it was their parents. When the other niece got married, no one contributed to that registry Both weddings were very large. 200+ people each. The guests found it tacky. Sorry for this post, just stating the facts, of these two weddings.

Linda

 

[risingsun]

Linda~
I totally agree with your comments! Maybe a few of us should just cart ourselves off to the old folks home before it's too late. Being gracious has never gone out of style and a sense of entitlement always looks tacky

 

[Linda W]

I agree Marian,

Hold on while I get my shawl and cane. LOL!!

Linda

 

[diamondfan]

Hey...let me grab the Geritol and make sure our AARP membership is paid up for a year...

That is not fair to the other sister! I agree, there is some sort of entitlement or something I sense. There a subtle differences among certain things. Some I find tacky or offensive, some I do not. A typical registry does not bother me.

I have been to weddings where a note was enclosed: "We have more than enough things. Please just come and share our happiness with us. If you wish, you may make a donation to a charity of your chosing, in honor of our wedding. Having you share with us is gift enough" or "Your presence is our present". You get the idea...

I think you can get a lot of something and still have a use for it. One vase or frame is not always enough. I love photos and have my grand piano covered in them. I have wood, silver, enamel, painted, mirrored and gold frames. It looks nice and ecletic. I have many vases, for all different types of arrangements. Now, four blenders I might not need, though I did break three in one night when we had a party and the margaritas were flowing...but I digress.

Honestly, how would I know how many picture frames you got? Or assume that you might not keep all and use them for wedding or other photos? Or only like a couple styles and keep one and return a few? Now I have to clairvoyant to give a gift.

One thing I do NOT do unless I know the person wants it for sure, is to engrave something. I pay for the engraving and enclose the paper stating such in the box. Then, if they keep the item it is paid for. They can chose what style they like etc. If they return it, they get credit for the engraving too.

What if a couple had an engagement party, and the bride to be said, Eh, my ring is a bit small, hubby could not or would not get the size I wanted. Please chip in lieu of blenders and towels so I can upgrade BEFORE the wedding!

I might be on to something...

 

[Linda W]

Caroline,

Hubbies nieces weren''t sister''s, they were cousins. Thank God!! ha ha ha.

Linda

 

[luckystar112]

I''m confused. When did someone imply that they were entitled to anything?

I just feel like us "younger gals" are getting a bad rep for nothing right now...
I think everyone is pretty much on the same page when it comes to flat out asking for cash, and no one is doing that. The only thing we all seem to differ on is the honeymoon registry...and well, no one is making you purchase from it. Just like no one is obligated to purchase from any other registry.

Seriously, this thread has gotten out of hand.

 

[diamondfan]

Linda, my bad. In my dotage I am having trouble seeing. Time to get my readers out!!!

 

[Linda W]

That''s OK Caroline, not your fault. HA!! I didn''t post they were cousin''s, I just said nieces, so my fault.!!

Linda