It''s ok to ask for cash as a wedding gift....

[MoonWater]

And here''s why: http://www.slate.com/id/2168008/

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I have given this a LOT of thought, and here is how we are handling it.

First, no gift info, including money on any invites

second, telling family like my mom who people will ask that we prefer money

third, set up a registry for people who are simply uncomforable with giving money

forth, having said registry at BB&B so if we get duplicates because the registry won''t be that big, we can trade it for cash. Note that we will not trade everything for cash, just duplicates.

fifth, we will offer preferences but NEVER ulitmatums like, "we didn''t register because we only want money".

My FI and I are both in school next semseter and need the money. Besides that, we will be moving to Europe in a few years and so all the fancy china, etc will be useless. So we are going to register for things we need, but only what we need, not fine china, silver, expensive vacuums and other things students in 1 bdr apartments don''t need. Unless you are from a background where cash is the norm, you really need a registry because the people uncomfortable with giving cash won''t and you may end up with some really awful things. It is important you are flexible and understand some people feel it is the height of tacky to give money and to let them have another option.

 

[zoebartlett]

I still wouldn''t do it.

We''re did registries at two different stores, and that''s pretty much because we kept getting told how convenient shopping for wedding gifts would be if guests had something to refer to. They want to know what we would like and so on...

Would we like $ instead? Well, it could certainly help, but I wouldn''t say we want it more. My friend, to this day, still comments on how thoughtful certain guests were to purchase something so THEM, and their wedding was four years ago.

The hosts of my showers (one given by my sister and one given my FILs) put our regstry info. on their invitations, but that''s the only place it''s mentioned.

I think people KNOW that a couple could most likely use money (for a house fund, etc.), but I would never ask for it.

 

[MoonWater]

Well, we literally don't need any gifts. Only one thing comes to mind, an espresso machine. We plan not to ask for gifts at all but word of mouth will be donations for the honeymoon. We're shooting for 3 weeks to a month in Europe next year and we could use the cash far more than pots and pans or bath towels.

 

[swingirl]

Well, from the stand point of a guest, how dare the bride even ask for a gift!! Let alone specify was it should be. Where have manners gone?

 

[MoonWater]

That''s odd. Because as a guest, I always felt obligated to buy a nice gift to make up for the fact that I was eating their food and drinking their booze. Oh, and because they were so kind to invite me to share in their union. I''m not sure what manners have to do with specifying an item you actually need and could use, rather than another piece of junk that someone just really wanted you to have. That''s not very thoughtful, and that is and has always been my view as a guest or gift giver. I give to make the receiver happy, and my happiness comes from giving something I know they truly wanted. But I''m a weirdo (and people love me at Xmas).

 

[newbie124]

Date: 5/13/2008 6:03:25 PM
Author: MoonWater
That''s odd. Because as a guest, I always felt obligated to buy a nice gift to make up for the fact that I was eating their food and drinking their booze. Oh, and because they were so kind to invite me to share in their union. I''m not sure what manners have to do with specifying an item you actually need and could use, rather than another piece of junk that someone just really wanted you to have. That''s not very thoughtful, and that is and has always been my view as a guest or gift giver. I give to make the receiver happy, and my happiness comes from giving something I know they truly wanted. But I''m a weirdo (and people love me at Xmas).

Nice, MoonWater. I was thinking the exact same thing and couldn''t have said it better myself

I personally really enjoy giving people gifts that I know THEY want and need and will enjoy. Not just giving them something *I* think they need b/c I like it myself. When I''m invited to a party or a dinner, even if it''s a home cooked meal that might have cost $20, I never show up empty handed. That would be poor manners in my opinion.

 

[gwendolyn]

In my mind, there''s a thin line between giving money and giving gift cards, and a registry is pretty close to a gift card (ie: I like this store, get me this stuff from there). *Most* of the time, I don''t think there''s a huge amount of personal sentiment behind registry gifts because it''s kind of like people checking things off a list, so that''s not hugely different to just giving cash. That being said, I think there will always be people who think it''s rude to give cash, because there''s no direct association between you and the gift--it''s just money that will go...somewhere. Some people are fine with contributing in general to your financial happiness, and other people aren''t.

I''d probably think the best way to go about it is the way Brazen Irish Hussy is doing it. Spread the word low-key, but have *some* thing on the registry for the people who would feel really uncomfortable giving cash.

 

[musey]

Date: 5/13/2008 5:48:57 PM
Author: swingirl
Well, from the stand point of a guest, how dare the bride even ask for a gift!! Let alone specify was it should be. Where have manners gone?

Date: 5/13/2008 6:03:25 PM
Author: MoonWater
That's odd. Because as a guest, I always felt obligated to buy a nice gift to make up for the fact that I was eating their food and drinking their booze. Oh, and because they were so kind to invite me to share in their union. I'm not sure what manners have to do with specifying an item you actually need and could use, rather than another piece of junk that someone just really wanted you to have. That's not very thoughtful, and that is and has always been my view as a guest or gift giver. I give to make the receiver happy, and my happiness comes from giving something I know they truly wanted. But I'm a weirdo (and people love me at Xmas).

I think, and correct me if I'm wrong, that what swingirl's referring to is that any insinuation that a gift (of any kind) is expected is a lapse in manners.

There have been lots of threads in which the etiquette mavens (not me) have educated PSers on the whole gift-giving thing, and basically what I've taken from it is that a mention of registry insinuates an expectation of gifts (because they should not be expected, even though it's traditional--they're a gesture, not a requirement), and even a "no gifts, please" insinuates that they would otherwise be expected, but guests are being given a "pass" this time.

I think.

Though honestly, I agree with both schools of thought. As a guest, I do prefer to see the taboo registry card in the invitation envelope because frankly, I'm lazy. I like being told what they'd most like, and I don't want to have to make a phone call to figure out where to find their wishlist. However, I do understand why including that card prods a guest into feeling obligated to send a gift.

I really don't care where/how a couple is registered, as long as the gift I give is something that they want, that's what I'll get (this is how I talked FI into buying the lone plastic trash can off the registry of our most recent wedding... "if they didn't want it, it wouldn't be on there!").

I think the only thing that makes me feel uneasy about the cash thing is that it's feels like assigning a specific value to the couple, you know? I know that buying a registry gift that they're fully aware of the cost of is essentially the same in that regard, but it just FEELS funny. I'd prefer to pick something off of a honeymoon registry, but if just the fungible cash really was what the couple wanted I'd be happy to do that. It's a lot harder for me to think of what $$ amount to stuff in the envelope, though, than to select a meal or activity from a list.

 

[swingirl]

Well, as a guest I''ve always felt the wedding gift was my selection of something for the married couple (I always give money). It wasn''t to make up for all the food and booze I ingested.

It sounds like your mind is made up. Ask for the cash but I''m sure you''ll offend at least a few of the oldies.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 5/13/2008 6:28:28 PM
Author: newbie124

Date: 5/13/2008 6:03:25 PM
Author: MoonWater
That''s odd. Because as a guest, I always felt obligated to buy a nice gift to make up for the fact that I was eating their food and drinking their booze. Oh, and because they were so kind to invite me to share in their union. I''m not sure what manners have to do with specifying an item you actually need and could use, rather than another piece of junk that someone just really wanted you to have. That''s not very thoughtful, and that is and has always been my view as a guest or gift giver. I give to make the receiver happy, and my happiness comes from giving something I know they truly wanted. But I''m a weirdo (and people love me at Xmas).

Nice, MoonWater. I was thinking the exact same thing and couldn''t have said it better myself

I personally really enjoy giving people gifts that I know THEY want and need and will enjoy. Not just giving them something *I* think they need b/c I like it myself. When I''m invited to a party or a dinner, even if it''s a home cooked meal that might have cost $20, I never show up empty handed. That would be poor manners in my opinion.

Agreed. I actually enjoy giving.

 

[neatfreak]

I think there is a difference between the bride and groom directly asking for cash and letting your Mom and MIL gently spread the word to whomever asks.

 

[musey]

Date: 5/13/2008 6:43:49 PM
Author: swingirl
Well, as a guest I've always felt the wedding gift was my selection of something for the married couple (I always give money). It wasn't to make up for all the food and booze I ingested.

It sounds like your mind is made up. Ask for the cash but I'm sure you'll offend at least a few of the oldies.

So you're against registries at all? I stand corrected.

I think of registries less as "this is what I want, give it to me" and more as "these are all things we love, so if you need some ideas, here they are!" So I don't know why it would be a bad thing. But then I'm a person who always checks popular websites (like amazon.com) to see if the person I'm shopping for (bdays, holidays, etc.) has a wishlist there, and select something from it. I like "Oh, how did you know??" much better than "What a creative selection!"

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 5/13/2008 6:43:26 PM
Author: musey

Date: 5/13/2008 5:48:57 PM
Author: swingirl
Well, from the stand point of a guest, how dare the bride even ask for a gift!! Let alone specify was it should be. Where have manners gone?

Date: 5/13/2008 6:03:25 PM
Author: MoonWater
That''s odd. Because as a guest, I always felt obligated to buy a nice gift to make up for the fact that I was eating their food and drinking their booze. Oh, and because they were so kind to invite me to share in their union. I''m not sure what manners have to do with specifying an item you actually need and could use, rather than another piece of junk that someone just really wanted you to have. That''s not very thoughtful, and that is and has always been my view as a guest or gift giver. I give to make the receiver happy, and my happiness comes from giving something I know they truly wanted. But I''m a weirdo (and people love me at Xmas).

I think, and correct me if I''m wrong, that what swingirl''s referring to is any insinuation that a gift (of any kind) is expected.

There have been lots of threads in which the etiquette mavens (not me) have educated PSers on the whole gift-giving thing, and basically what I''ve taken from it is that a mention of registry insinuates an expectation of gifts (because they should not be expected, even though it''s traditional--they''re a gesture, not a requirement), and even a ''no gifts, please'' insinuates that they would otherwise be expected, but guests are being given a ''pass'' this time.

I think.

Yeah I get it. But I have only seen one wedding invitation that ever mentioned gifts at all. Most couples left it to guests to inquire if they wanted and the couple had a registry handy for those that wanted to give. So if someone feels insulted or think it''s in poor manners to even have a registry, well, I guess I just don''t get it. Nowadays, people expect a registry, it makes it easier for them.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 5/13/2008 6:43:49 PM
Author: swingirl
Well, as a guest I''ve always felt the wedding gift was my selection of something for the married couple (I always give money). It wasn''t to make up for all the food and booze I ingested.

It sounds like your mind is made up. Ask for the cash but I''m sure you''ll offend at least a few of the oldies.

Of course my mind is made up. This thread wasn''t to help me make a decision. I know the people we are inviting quite well and I can assure you they will not be offended (in fact, the last wedding they attended everyone wrote a check as a gift to help the couple pay for the actual wedding). I don''t like the idea of gifts at all. I''d like to have a party so that I can celebrate the union with my man in the company of those that we love. I do know that some of them just absolutely must give something to help us along and the word will be donations toward the honeymoon. It''s an extremely reasonable request, especially in this economy, especially since we''ve lived together for over 4 years and have what we need, especially since we don''t own a home and most especially because these people all know us quite well and would never consider us rude.

 

[musey]

Date: 5/13/2008 6:52:25 PM
Author: MoonWater

Date: 5/13/2008 6:43:26 PM
Author: musey

Date: 5/13/2008 5:48:57 PM
Author: swingirl
Well, from the stand point of a guest, how dare the bride even ask for a gift!! Let alone specify was it should be. Where have manners gone?

Date: 5/13/2008 6:03:25 PM
Author: MoonWater
That''s odd. Because as a guest, I always felt obligated to buy a nice gift to make up for the fact that I was eating their food and drinking their booze. Oh, and because they were so kind to invite me to share in their union. I''m not sure what manners have to do with specifying an item you actually need and could use, rather than another piece of junk that someone just really wanted you to have. That''s not very thoughtful, and that is and has always been my view as a guest or gift giver. I give to make the receiver happy, and my happiness comes from giving something I know they truly wanted. But I''m a weirdo (and people love me at Xmas).

I think, and correct me if I''m wrong, that what swingirl''s referring to is any insinuation that a gift (of any kind) is expected.

There have been lots of threads in which the etiquette mavens (not me) have educated PSers on the whole gift-giving thing, and basically what I''ve taken from it is that a mention of registry insinuates an expectation of gifts (because they should not be expected, even though it''s traditional--they''re a gesture, not a requirement), and even a ''no gifts, please'' insinuates that they would otherwise be expected, but guests are being given a ''pass'' this time.

I think.

Yeah I get it. But I have only seen one wedding invitation that ever mentioned gifts at all. Most couples left it to guests to inquire if they wanted and the couple had a registry handy for those that wanted to give. So if someone feels insulted or think it''s in poor manners to even have a registry, well, I guess I just don''t get it. Nowadays, people expect a registry, it makes it easier for them.

Yeah, I was mistaken as to what swingirl found offensive... I thought it was the announcement of registry thing as opposed to the existence of a registry thing.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 5/13/2008 6:50:39 PM
Author: musey

Date: 5/13/2008 6:43:49 PM
Author: swingirl
Well, as a guest I''ve always felt the wedding gift was my selection of something for the married couple (I always give money). It wasn''t to make up for all the food and booze I ingested.

It sounds like your mind is made up. Ask for the cash but I''m sure you''ll offend at least a few of the oldies.

So you''re against registries at all? I stand corrected.

I think of registries less as ''this is what I want, give it to me'' and more as ''these are all things we love, so if you need some ideas, here they are!'' So I don''t know why it would be a bad thing. But then I''m a person who always checks popular websites (like amazon.com) to see if the person I''m shopping for (bdays, holidays, etc.) has a wishlist there, and select something from it. I like ''Oh, how did you know??'' much better than ''What a creative selection!''

Me too! It''s so much fun! Seriously, I''ve made people cry with gifts. I love it. I''m a total geek gift giver. I work all year around, listening and researching, so I can have it down by their Bday or Xmas.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 5/13/2008 6:33:05 PM
Author: gwendolyn

I''d probably think the best way to go about it is the way Brazen Irish Hussy is doing it. Spread the word low-key, but have *some* thing on the registry for the people who would feel really uncomfortable giving cash.

I agree. I really like Brazen''s idea.

 

[Haven]

It''s okay to ask for cash as a wedding gift according to the author of that article. That''s it.

I still think it''s improper and incredibly rude to dictate what a guest should give you for any gift. Registries are recommendations, saying you want cash is limiting to only one thing.

 

[MoonWater]

A registry for a honeymoon is a recommendation that you contribute to it''s purchase. Not a requirement. It''s also not asking for cash anymore than registering a food processor (which was the author''s point).

 

[Pandora II]

Personally I'd like ebay vouchers - not that they exist - mainly because I could then buy all the things of my registry for less!

I don't normally buy off registries unless I know that the couple really need the things on it. It's uncommon to give cash in the UK. I also don't like people to be able to price up my gift.

Therefore 9/10 I give antique english silver. It's my cousin's wedding this weekend, his MOTHER has done their registry at a shop in the village where they live. You have to ring the guy, give your credit card no. down the phone and tell him how much and it goes towards a dinner service.

My aunt is a witch and will peruse the list to see how much everyone in the family has given...

They put a piece of paper in the invitation with full instructions and added at the end:

'We understand that some people may prefer to choose a gift themselves and this of course would also be very welcome.'

So, they are getting a set of 1905 silver salts from me, a set of silver candlesticks from my parents and some other piece of silver from my brother. I refuse to be costed up by my aunt.

All my relatives were horrified that a) you would put something about gifts in your wedding invitation, b) that you would write something like that on the bottom, and c) that you would make it so obvious that you EXPECTED a gift.

I know of two family members who have decided not to get them anything!


I have done a registry - which I will put up on our website for people to happen across if they wish and give my mother the details so she has them if anyone asks her.

 

[Sabine]

My problem with the article was that they lumped asking for cash and having a honeymoon registry in together as the same thing. I think the difference is vast. As Moonwater said, a registry is a recommendation, not limiting the choices to just one thing, cash. And I bet most people who have a honeymoon registry also have a regular registry too.

I can see where swinggirl is coming from in saying that creating a registry is a breach of ettiquette because it shows that you expect gifts, but at the same time, it''s become a well-accepted breach because it is very helpful and practical.

 

[swingirl]

Registries are wonderful for gift suggestions and prevent the couple from getting multiples. It should, however, be offered information, and by word of mouth. Since a bridal shower is traditionally a party to "shower" gifts on a new couple, I think it's understood that a gift is expected.

But asking for cash for a wedding gift is presumptuous since a gift is not a requirement. It is traditional and kind but if you are really asking everyone to join you to share and witness this wonderful day, then a gift is "extra".

I am curious as to the wording that you'll use on the invitations?

 

[purrfectpear]

People who want to ask for cash will always attempt to find some way to justify it as acceptable, even though it clearly is not.

The writer of the article tries to compare a single registry for one resort vacation with other registries. It is an apple and oranges comparison. When couples register at a store (or stores) they don''t pick one gift like a fur coat at Nieman''s and say "pay towards THIS", they register for many different types of gifts with various costs. Even then, the registry contains gift suggestions, not gift mandates.

An apt comparison for the writer to have made would have been if a couple registered at the Ford dealership with a suggestion that invitees pay for their vehicle of choice.

It just isn''t done by people with any manners.

 

[surfgirl]

I think "asking" for money is never acceptable under any circumstances. There is a reason it''s been deemed poor manners for eons. As many have already said, a guest, even a wedding guest, isn''t technically "required" to give any gift. I think a wedding gift should be something to get the couple started off in life, or if they''ve been living together for some time or older, then it''s the opportunity to upgrade to perhaps nicer pieces of household items. I personally do not give to honeymoon registries as I dont feel it is my responsibility to pay for someone else''s honeymoon. That should be their responsibility. If parents want to pay for a honeymoon or whatever, that''s great, but not other guests. I''m also not keen on buying things like kayaks or sporting equipment or whatever because I then feel like I''m being used as a "get something crazy for free" card and that irks me. To me, wedding gifts are home-related. Period.

 

[kbarro1]

While I am of the school of thought that you should not ask for money as a gift, I am not going to get on a soapbox here...

I was just going to say that for those of you who don''t want to flat out ask for money as a gift, why not have a money dance at your wedding? I am not sure if everyone has heard of this or if this is just a southern thing, but it''s just what it sounds like-you play a song for as long as people keep coming and giving and the bride and groom dance with them for about half a minute or so and then they pin money on them. This gives you a chance to say thank you to the person, chat about the ceremony, etc. and get some cash as gifts. That way, people can give you a gift or cash, it is completely up to them and you don''t ever have to flat out say we prefer money. It is kind of a roundabout way of doing it. Just a thought...

 

[newbie124]

Date: 5/13/2008 8:25:36 PM
Author: purrfectpear
People who want to ask for cash will always attempt to find some way to justify it as acceptable, even though it clearly is not.


The writer of the article tries to compare a single registry for one resort vacation with other registries. It is an apple and oranges comparison. When couples register at a store (or stores) they don''t pick one gift like a fur coat at Nieman''s and say ''pay towards THIS'', they register for many different types of gifts with various costs. Even then, the registry contains gift suggestions, not gift mandates.

An apt comparison for the writer to have made would have been if a couple registered at the Ford dealership with a suggestion that invitees pay for their vehicle of choice.

It just isn''t done by people with any manners.

I''m curious if people think there would be a difference if the couple had registered for specific things related to their honeymoon as opposed to asking ppl to contribute to a general honeymoon fund? For instance, I once saw a couple who were moving to England put a link to a registry site (felicite.com, I think) that let people select specific activities to fund. Like movie tickets to a certain theatre, hotel stays around Europe, football tickets, restaurant certificates, etc.

While I don''t personally have an issue with people preferring money to material gifts, as someone else mentioned, I do feel funny enclosing bills or a check w/ a specific dollar figure into a card. I guess it also kind of depends on the relationship to the couple...it would probably feel more natural giving money to family as opposed to say a coworker or friend. So I do like the idea of giving towards something like an experience as opposed to, say, a set of china, if that''s what the couple wants. Frankly, I think people these days are too materialistic to begin with. I just don''t get why some people insist that material items are the only "proper" gifts to give.

For myself, I actually don''t like the idea of amassing a lot more "stuff" that I''m just going to have to find room to store. (We still have several boxes of things in the basement that need to be donated...) It''s not even so much of an issue of "we could use cash instead" as a moral dilemma of not wanting more material goods. While I would be grateful for any gift a guest chooses to give, if I were to offer suggestions for what we could use, then I would hope they wouldn''t judge us for putting down something like a spa certificate versus bath towels that we don''t really need.

 

[newbie124]

Date: 5/13/2008 9:02:12 PM
Author: surfgirl
I think ''asking'' for money is never acceptable under any circumstances. There is a reason it''s been deemed poor manners for eons.

Actually, it really varies by culture. In Western societies, it''s perhaps deemed improper, but I know for many Asian cultures, including mine, money is actually the standard gift and what is socially expected.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

I wish it was more acceptable; if it was FI and I would totally request money only. We will need it. But, I just know my family and friends would be mortified and and offended. And well, I honestly do care what they think to that extent. Our plan is to do what Brazen is doing. We do need some things (e.g. FI and I share our one steak knife currently and our flatware is a hand-me-down from my parents), so we are going to register at BBB or target and somewhere like Macy''s if I pick out china (which I think I will). I think it''s the best happy medium.

 

[Gwyn]

I personally see a registry as a "your presence is all that we require/expect but, if you want to give us something feel free. Also, here are some things we need/like."

I see registring for donations towards something or not registring at all and spreading around that you dont need any items in particular as "your presence is all that we require/expect but, if you want to give us something, feel free. Also, there is not much we need so, if you dont have a particular gift in mind, you can give money towards this or whatever other newlywed expenses we may have."

I do not see much difference between registring for a honeymoon/house or not registring at all and a gift registry They equally imply (or do not imply as I see it) that you are expecting a gift. And either way (no matter how many choices you have on your registry) you are giving suggestions of what you want from people if they chose to give you something.

In my eyes there are only a couple of reasons why one, who was giving a gift, would prefer to give a person/couple an actual gift over cash:

1 You have found a gift specifically for the person/couple that would mean something to them. Or has a value to you. Some expamples: you got a gift that you absolutely love and you think that the person/couple will too. Or you see something that makes you think of them. Or a tradition in your family is to have a particular item and you want to share that tradition. Something meaningful.
2 You want to give something specific so that when the couple uses it they think of you. (personally i dont know that couples, especially ones with big weddings remember who gave them what but it is possible). Maybe you want to get them the expresso maker they put on their registry that way, whenever they have expresso, they remember/think of you.

3 They are afraid if they just give the person/couple money that they will use that on bills/savings and will not go out and spend it on something nice for themselves (my mother feels this way on birthday presents. she will never spend cash because she wants to make sure something nice and usually frivolous is bought). They want to give the bride and groom a luxary so to speak.

4 Many people give gifts over money so that people do not know what they spent on them. Here in the US (atleast where I am from) it is tacky to talk about how much money you spent on someone. That is unavoidable if you hand someone cash, however, gifts are not as obvious. NOT SO WITH REGISTRIES. They say how much the person spent right on them. In fact, I know many people (not me) who specifically do not buy from registrys, or give cash, because of this.

For the most part, for myself as a gift giver, unless it is #1, I just give cash. I think people can spend the money just as good if not better then I can for them. Sure they registered for something, so they must want it, so its just as good, But, why not let them pick it out. Maybe, like someone said above, they can stretch the dollars i give them even further by going to ebay.

As a gift receiver, unless it is something special, I prefer cash. I understand that it is the whole thought that counts thing, but I dont see how buying something off of a list of things ive given to you is any different then you just giving me the money to buy it.

Neither a gift registry or a honeymoon cash donation registry or no registry at all would bother me. Because I see them as options/suggestions for the guest, I don't think they have a place on an invite to any event. I think the best is through word of mouth OR a wedding website (you could place the URL to on an invite). When i say wedding website i dont just mean one with you registry info. I mean one with date, wedding information, maybe info about the couple. that sort of thing.