It''s ok to ask for cash as a wedding gift....

[Linda W]

I think a gift registry is OK if it doesn''t go over the line. Two of our nieces were way over the line.

I almost fell off my computer chair, when I saw the things they were asking for. $400.00 comforter. $350.00 place setting of china, etc. etc. 299.00 whatever it was, I could not believe my eyes.

Another niece was registered at some place, I forget the name. She and her now husband were going to Tahiti. Her registry was for the guests to upgrade her trip. Pay for their activities, while they were in Tahiti, upgrade their room, snorkeling, dinners, drinks by the pool, etc.

It was my husband''s niece and he was really disgusted and told his sister too. HA!! To us, that was really going over the line.

Linda

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 5/13/2008 9:30:38 PM
Author: newbie124

Date: 5/13/2008 9:02:12 PM

Author: surfgirl

I think 'asking' for money is never acceptable under any circumstances. There is a reason it's been deemed poor manners for eons.

Actually, it really varies by culture. In Western societies, it's perhaps deemed improper, but I know for many Asian cultures, including mine, money is actually the standard gift and what is socially expected.

You didn't actually negate Surf's point about it being taboo to ASK for $. As you mentioned in Eastern cultures it is the SOCIALLY EXPECTED thing to do. Thus, the couple isn't asking for $, people just give it.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Date: 5/13/2008 9:02:12 PM
Author: surfgirl
I think ''asking'' for money is never acceptable under any circumstances. There is a reason it''s been deemed poor manners for eons. As many have already said, a guest, even a wedding guest, isn''t technically ''required'' to give any gift. I think a wedding gift should be something to get the couple started off in life, or if they''ve been living together for some time or older, then it''s the opportunity to upgrade to perhaps nicer pieces of household items. I personally do not give to honeymoon registries as I dont feel it is my responsibility to pay for someone else''s honeymoon. That should be their responsibility. If parents want to pay for a honeymoon or whatever, that''s great, but not other guests. I''m also not keen on buying things like kayaks or sporting equipment or whatever because I then feel like I''m being used as a ''get something crazy for free'' card and that irks me. To me, wedding gifts are home-related. Period.

What about people where it really isn''t applicable? My parents were both succesful lawyers when they got married. My mom always buys the best of everything and there was no way to upgrade what she had, would you insist on home gifts then?

What about my FI and I? In 3 years, we are moving to Europe. I am not dragging good china, expensive towels, silver, kitechen electronics that can''t work, etc with me. Do I pay for a storage unit forever, or give it to family?

You are esentially saying that you spend money on what you think a couple should want, not what they actually want. To me, that is FAR ruder than giving money to spend on something they love. You are judging them, without regard to the situation.

Another thing to consider is sentimentality. Money works for me because I am strictly pragmatic. I don''t need silver candle sticks or overpriced toasting flutes, so I don''t want them. I am just not sentimental and I never look at gifts and smile simply because so and so gave them to me. I smile because I like it, or because I know they loved me enough to get me what I wanted or because they were thinking of me. And it isn''t just material. My uncle cannot afford to give me gifts, but he ALWAYS remember my birthday when much wealthier family forgets and eventually sends me something nice to make up for it, but I cherish my uncle''s cards all the same.

In many cultures, it is the norm to give money. For my Jewish friends in NY, you NEVER give anything else. Same with my friends from cyprus, germany, my stateside irish and german relatives also believe money is best. When I told one of my Chinese friends that we were having a registry, she was horrified. In China, giving a gift rather than money is like saying the reciever is so bad with money you couldn''t trust them with it. Interestingly, that is exactly what you said.

 

[newbie124]

Date: 5/13/2008 10:27:18 PM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 5/13/2008 9:30:38 PM

Author: newbie124

Date: 5/13/2008 9:02:12 PM


Author: surfgirl


I think 'asking' for money is never acceptable under any circumstances. There is a reason it's been deemed poor manners for eons.

Actually, it really varies by culture. In Western societies, it's perhaps deemed improper, but I know for many Asian cultures, including mine, money is actually the standard gift and what is socially expected.

You didn't actually negate Surf's point about it being taboo to ASK for $. As you mentioned in Eastern cultures it is the SOCIALLY EXPECTED thing to do. Thus, the couple isn't asking for $, people just give it.

Actually, to be honest, I don't know whether they do "ask" or not since my family doesn't really follow all traditions. (I don't think registries are the norm in many other cultures, but I could be wrong). I just know that that's what people give and it's a known/accepted practice. So maybe the couple never needs to "ask" b/c they already know what they're getting. Whereas in societies where it's not as readily accepted, then people feel like they have to sometimes go out of their way to make it known that they'd prefer cash.

 

[Haven]

Gifts are tokens of affection from one person to another, NOT donations or supplements to your income or allowances to help support your lifestyle. I always find it puzzling when people argue that they don't need any housewares so they should have the right to tell their guests to give them money instead, or a honeymoon, or whatever it is that they want.

Contrary to what many people seem to believe, guests are not obligated to give you something you need. They are not your meal tickets (or honeymoon tickets, perhaps). Why is it that we are unhappy if our significant other gives us a practical gift such as a toaster/hairdryer/lawnmower for our birthday, yet when a guest comes to our wedding and gives us something lovingly chosen that we didn't explicitly ask for we regard it disdainfully as some piece of crap we didn't ask for?

Since when is it okay to be a greedy host rather than a gracious one?

ETA: I just wanted to add--in NY cash is king. It isn't a Jewish thing, it's a regional thing. I'm Jewish, and in the midwest we give gifts.

 

[MoonWater]

I think if you go back and read my posts in the 'what you hate about weddings' thread you'd get a good feel for my personality and my opinion about those that will be invited to our wedding. Wording on the invitations....come celebrate our union with us. There will be no mention of gifts of any kind because the presence of the select few we have invited is what we really want. I will repeat myself, there are some of those folks, usually older folks, that absolutely insist in giving you something. For those people, the WORD OF MOUTH (i.e. not on an invitation) will be to help toward our honeymoon (or down payment on a house for that matter. This is our FAMILY they want the absolute best for us). These same people always give cash at Xmas and Bdays anyhow and they likely won't bother asking. I asked my 66 year old Aunt, who's like a mom to me, and she thought it made absolute perfect sense. But she's extremely practical and think it's absurd to a)spend a fortune on one day and b) dump unnecessary and unwanted home items on a couple that has been together as long as we have. Again, the people we are inviting know us extremely well and would rather give what we needed (including money) instead of something that satisfies their own need to give. I suppose we are extremely fortunate not to be surrounded by people that would be offended by the idea of giving the gift of memories instead of a second, but better, microwave.

And to quote Bob Dylan, the times they are a changin'. In the day and age of registries, I'm not sure why people wouldn't be open to actually HELPING the couple start off their life together instead of focusing on what offends them personally. I mean geez, years ago it was unheard of to even live together before marriage, let alone buy a house beforehand. But people want to whine because someone asks for honeymoon donations over food processors? Oh, and btw, it is actually a new practice to have larger items on a registry (such as furniture needed for a new home) that multiple people can contribute to until it is fully funded.

This thread makes me love my family and friends more than ever, and I didn't even think it was possible. Maybe we're all too laid back and informal lol.

ETA: I'm also the type of person that doesn't care for engagement parties and doesn't want a bridal shower where I'd get "showered" with gifts. To me that stuff is silly and just far too much. I only care about the marriage and sharing the experience with a select few. So it's pretty weird that I'm giving up the thing where I'm allowed to "expect" gifts but I can't suggest what we, as a couple, really needs in our life in this moment. These traditions are just weird to me and I'm glad I'm not remotely obligated to follow them.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Date: 5/13/2008 10:56:09 PM
Author: Haven
Gifts are tokens of affection from one person to another, NOT donations or supplements to your income or allowances to help support your lifestyle. I always find it puzzling when people argue that they don''t need any housewares so they should have the right to tell their guests to give them money instead, or a honeymoon, or whatever it is that they want.

Contrary to what many people seem to believe, guests are not obligated to give you something you need. They are not your meal tickets (or honeymoon tickets, perhaps). Why is it that we are unhappy if our significant other gives us a practical gift such as a toaster/hairdryer/lawnmower for our birthday, yet when a guest comes to our wedding and gives us something lovingly chosen that we didn''t explicitly ask for we regard it disdainfully as some piece of crap we didn''t ask for?

Since when is it okay to be a greedy host rather than a gracious one?

ETA: I just wanted to add--in NY cash is king. It isn''t a Jewish thing, it''s a regional thing. I''m Jewish, and in the midwest we give gifts.

I don''t know about you, but lovingly choosen from my family involves truely frighting crap. Think 1950s salad bowls in the shape of lettuce. To me, it is more loving to give something couple wants. I am not dragging my FIL''s idea of "nice" lamps with me for the next 20 years. Especially when I move from 1 bdr to 1 bdr every few years and eventually out of the country. It is going to get thrown away because we don''t have the space or desire to lug around things people think we should like and don''t. I think those gifts are lovely, but too often, at least in my experience, they give what they like and not what the couple likes.

As for the Jewish thing, the only people I know in NY are Jewish, but I am in the west and all my Jewish friends here also only give cash. I never saw gifts at the dozen or so bar and bat mitzahs I have been too, just as I have not at the celebrations of my Irish and German families. Maybe it is regional since I do notice the girls on this board most opposed to it are in the midwest.

 

[Linda W]

In my opinion, a couple should pay for their own honeymoon. If not, they should not go on one.

That is the excitement and purpose of a honeymoon, when two people plan it together.

Just my opinion. Having furniture on a registry????? OMG, my poor 82 year old mother would have had a heart attack if she would have seen that, LOL LOL.

Linda

 

[Haven]

Are you responding to me, Moonwater? If so, I don't understand what you think you're contradicting from my post. To be clear--I'm not saying it's wrong for a guest to want to give a couple something they need, I'm saying that I'm taken aback by this idea that guests SHOULD give a couple ONLY what they need. That's all. I love a gift that is fun and totally frivolous, those are the best gifts around. (ESPECIALLY if you're someone who has everything you need, which seems to be the case with so many people who oppose a traditional registry--you already have all the housewares you need.)

 

[newbie124]

Date: 5/13/2008 11:16:51 PM
Author: MoonWater
I think if you go back and read my posts in the ''what you hate about weddings'' thread you''d get a good feel for my personality and my opinion about those that will be invited to our wedding. Wording on the invitations....come celebrate our union with us. There will be no mention of gifts of any kind because the presence of the select few we have invited is what we really want. I will repeat myself, there are some of those folks, usually older folks, that absolutely insist in giving you something. For those people, the WORD OF MOUTH (i.e. not on an invitation) will be to help toward our honeymoon (or down payment on a house for that matter. This is our FAMILY they want the absolute best for us). These same people always give cash at Xmas and Bdays anyhow and they likely won''t bother asking. I asked my 66 year old Aunt, who''s like a mom to me, and she thought it made absolute perfect sense. But she''s extremely practical and think it''s absurd to a)spend a fortune on one day and b) dump unnecessary and unwanted home items on a couple that has been together as long as we have. Again, the people we are inviting know us extremely well and would rather give what we needed (including money) instead of something that satisfies their own need to give. I suppose we are extremely fortunate not to be surrounded by people that would be offended by the idea of giving the gift of memories instead of a second, but better, microwave.

And to quote Bob Dylan, the times they are a changin''. In the day and age of registries, I''m not sure why people wouldn''t be open to actually HELPING the couple start off their life together instead of focusing on what offends them personally. I mean geez, years ago it was unheard of to even live together before marriage, let alone buy a house beforehand. But people want to whine because someone asks for honeymoon donations over food processors? Oh, and btw, it is actually a new practice to have larger items on a registry (such as furniture needed for a new home) that multiple people can contribute to until it is fully funded.

This thread makes me love my family and friends more than ever, and I didn''t even think it was possible. Maybe we''re all too laid back and informal lol.

Yep, I totally agree. If were still sticking to all of the rules and conventions from "eons" ago, I probably would have been married off at the age of 16 to a Chinese guy I was "matched" to, our date would have been picked by a fortune teller, and I would be looking forward to many years keeping house at my in-law''s. Instead, I''ve chosen to marry my Caucasian FI who I''ve lived with for a couple years now and we just bought a place together last year. So much for convention in my case...

Also, I guess I''m with you MoonWater in that I believe in the idea of giving to make OTHERS happy. Otherwise, why even bother?

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 5/13/2008 10:26:06 PM
Author: Linda W

Another niece was registered at some place, I forget the name. She and her now husband were going to Tahiti. Her registry was for the guests to upgrade her trip. Pay for their activities, while they were in Tahiti, upgrade their room, snorkeling, dinners, drinks by the pool, etc.

It was my husband''s niece and he was really disgusted and told his sister too. HA!! To us, that was really going over the line.

See, I think that idea is cute! I don''t think it''s tacky at all. I actually think it''s better than just a general honeymoon registry because you get to pick specific things for the bride and groom.

But whether it''s a honeymoon registry or a registry from Macy''s...a registry is a registry is a registry. I find it fascinating that registries are considered acceptable, but something like a cash bar or dollar dance isn''t. Further, I also find it fascinating that a registry to a store is acceptable, but not one for a honeymoon.

None of it makes sense to me. lol.

 

[Haven]

Date: 5/13/2008 11:22:33 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy

Date: 5/13/2008 10:56:09 PM

Author: Haven

Gifts are tokens of affection from one person to another, NOT donations or supplements to your income or allowances to help support your lifestyle. I always find it puzzling when people argue that they don''t need any housewares so they should have the right to tell their guests to give them money instead, or a honeymoon, or whatever it is that they want.


Contrary to what many people seem to believe, guests are not obligated to give you something you need. They are not your meal tickets (or honeymoon tickets, perhaps). Why is it that we are unhappy if our significant other gives us a practical gift such as a toaster/hairdryer/lawnmower for our birthday, yet when a guest comes to our wedding and gives us something lovingly chosen that we didn''t explicitly ask for we regard it disdainfully as some piece of crap we didn''t ask for?


Since when is it okay to be a greedy host rather than a gracious one?


ETA: I just wanted to add--in NY cash is king. It isn''t a Jewish thing, it''s a regional thing. I''m Jewish, and in the midwest we give gifts.

I don''t know about you, but lovingly choosen from my family involves truely frighting crap. Think 1950s salad bowls in the shape of lettuce. To me, it is more loving to give something couple wants.

As for the Jewish thing, the only people I know in NY are Jewish, but I am in the west and all my Jewish friends here also only give cash.

I suppose when I say "lovingly chosen" I mean things from people who love you enough to know that you don''t want that awful-sounding lettuce bowl. Notwithstanding the late additions to my FI''s father''s guest list, we only invited people who truly love and know us to our wedding, and they all know our taste well enough to give us gifts that are really special.

I didn''t mean to sound confrontational when I commented on the Jewish remark. It''s that I find so many things are misunderstood by outsiders about my religion, and the last thing we need is some stereotype that all we want is cash, as that would, of course, bolster some of the already-favored stereotypes about Jewish people.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

No worries haven. I actually spend so much time among my Jewish frineds that I forget about those issues. I was always called the shicsa (sp) goddess in high school because all the jewish guys wanted to date me, they just didn't want their families to know about it. I have gotten strange looks from my other friends when I says something like "shnoze" about a Jewish friend and they freak out. I never realize it because that's what he calls it for example.

I think its funny that you believe in giving gifts the couple want regardless of type and surflgirl believes it should only be housewares. Just goes to show how non standardized the etiquetee rules really are. I am glad you have family that you can trust to give you nice stuff. My uncle LOVES clean lines and postmodern simpliciy and he just couldn't bring himself to give me the organic art nouveau style stuff FI and love, he just feels like it is below him. FILs are the worst though. For my Fi's last birthday, they gave him a "sexy: card game and me a cheap wedding garter as their way of saynig they approved of the engagement.

 

[diamondfan]

Swing, Haven...I totally get your gist.

In a perfect world, we would only get what we want and or need, not 4 blenders or what ever. I got wedding gifts that hubby and I still laugh over in a good natured sort of way. And I am a considerate gift giver. I want to and am always happy to give a gift and certainly prefer giving something they want. BUT. And it is a big but. I do not want to give a gift because I MUST or it is EXPECTED. I am not in agreement with my OWING the couple for drinking and eating. They chose to have a party, and while I am happy to go and share in their day, AND bring a nice gift, I am not repaying them for the food and drink. I detest that line of thinking. Either they want your company, and plan to provide you food and drink, or they should not have a wedding. A gift is something offered, not something that should be expected. And I somehow see registries a bit differently than flat out asking for cash, though I would be happy to write a check if I know that is what the couple wants. No one needs six waffle irons. I think registries are about convenience, but one can chose NOT to buy something from it. It is more like, hey, we like these dishes and this coffee maker if you wanted to get us something.

Some cultures do the envelope dance at the wedding, as it is assumed that the young couple is starting out and needs some cash. I am Jewish and have not seen that at any Jewish wedding I have attended, but that does not mean they do not do it.

If I am very close to the couple, and I know they want money for whatever reason and will not be offended that it is just an easy not thought out option, out comes my checkbook. Cash is one size fits all. But not all people want money that they will spend who knows where, hard to know each time. I have gifts I treasure and that remind me of the person and the day.

I also think it is a tad snarky to be pissed at someone giving you something that at some point you might have to move or take with you elsewhere. If a gift is given in the spirit of the moment and the person giving it feels they were trying to do something nice, jeez give them a break. Some people are sentimental some are not. Some people want new towels and some do not. It is a case by case thing to me. I know MANY people who are offended with cash as it is impersonal and does not show thought. I don't agree but if I know that I am not giving them cash.

 

[Linda W]

Hey a 1950''s salad bowl in the shape of lettuce, might be worth something. LOL

Linda

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 5/13/2008 11:31:41 PM
Author: newbie124

Date: 5/13/2008 11:16:51 PM

Also, I guess I''m with you MoonWater in that I believe in the idea of giving to make OTHERS happy. Otherwise, why even bother?

LOL beats me. Another thing I find funny about this topic and what offends people is the cost of weddings. Many young couples nowadays don''t have well off parents who are funding the event. Many of these couples are paying out of their own (small) wallets. Sure, you could keep costs down by trimming the guest list. Then you have close friends and family that are offended that so n so was invited, but they weren''t. So now you have people who are pissed that you made the event something you could afford by leaving them off the list, but the same people would also be offended if they were invited and you suggested cash as a way to help supplement the cost in some way. Talk about a rock and a hard place.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 5/13/2008 11:32:58 PM
Author: Haven

Date: 5/13/2008 11:22:33 PM

Author: brazen_irish_hussy

Date: 5/13/2008 10:56:09 PM


Author: Haven


Gifts are tokens of affection from one person to another, NOT donations or supplements to your income or allowances to help support your lifestyle. I always find it puzzling when people argue that they don''t need any housewares so they should have the right to tell their guests to give them money instead, or a honeymoon, or whatever it is that they want.



Contrary to what many people seem to believe, guests are not obligated to give you something you need. They are not your meal tickets (or honeymoon tickets, perhaps). Why is it that we are unhappy if our significant other gives us a practical gift such as a toaster/hairdryer/lawnmower for our birthday, yet when a guest comes to our wedding and gives us something lovingly chosen that we didn''t explicitly ask for we regard it disdainfully as some piece of crap we didn''t ask for?



Since when is it okay to be a greedy host rather than a gracious one?



ETA: I just wanted to add--in NY cash is king. It isn''t a Jewish thing, it''s a regional thing. I''m Jewish, and in the midwest we give gifts.

I don''t know about you, but lovingly choosen from my family involves truely frighting crap. Think 1950s salad bowls in the shape of lettuce. To me, it is more loving to give something couple wants.


As for the Jewish thing, the only people I know in NY are Jewish, but I am in the west and all my Jewish friends here also only give cash.

I suppose when I say ''lovingly chosen'' I mean things from people who love you enough to know that you don''t want that awful-sounding lettuce bowl. Notwithstanding the late additions to my FI''s father''s guest list, we only invited people who truly love and know us to our wedding, and they all know our taste well enough to give us gifts that are really special.

Then you should agree that having loved ones contribute to a honeymoon is a ''lovingly chosen'' gift to the couple because these people love and know the couple enough to know it''s what they want.

Btw my response before was to a few posts not just yours.

 

[Haven]

Date: 5/13/2008 11:45:24 PM
Author: MoonWater

Date: 5/13/2008 11:32:58 PM

Author: Haven

Date: 5/13/2008 11:22:33 PM


Author: brazen_irish_hussy

Date: 5/13/2008 10:56:09 PM



Author: Haven



Gifts are tokens of affection from one person to another, NOT donations or supplements to your income or allowances to help support your lifestyle. I always find it puzzling when people argue that they don''t need any housewares so they should have the right to tell their guests to give them money instead, or a honeymoon, or whatever it is that they want.




Contrary to what many people seem to believe, guests are not obligated to give you something you need. They are not your meal tickets (or honeymoon tickets, perhaps). Why is it that we are unhappy if our significant other gives us a practical gift such as a toaster/hairdryer/lawnmower for our birthday, yet when a guest comes to our wedding and gives us something lovingly chosen that we didn''t explicitly ask for we regard it disdainfully as some piece of crap we didn''t ask for?




Since when is it okay to be a greedy host rather than a gracious one?




ETA: I just wanted to add--in NY cash is king. It isn''t a Jewish thing, it''s a regional thing. I''m Jewish, and in the midwest we give gifts.

I don''t know about you, but lovingly choosen from my family involves truely frighting crap. Think 1950s salad bowls in the shape of lettuce. To me, it is more loving to give something couple wants.



As for the Jewish thing, the only people I know in NY are Jewish, but I am in the west and all my Jewish friends here also only give cash.

I suppose when I say ''lovingly chosen'' I mean things from people who love you enough to know that you don''t want that awful-sounding lettuce bowl. Notwithstanding the late additions to my FI''s father''s guest list, we only invited people who truly love and know us to our wedding, and they all know our taste well enough to give us gifts that are really special.

Then you should agree that having loved ones contribute to a honeymoon is a ''lovingly chosen'' gift to the couple because these people love and know the couple enough to know it''s what they want.

Btw my response before was to a few posts not just yours.

YES! I do agree that contributing to a honeymoon would be lovingly chosen if that''s what the givers know the couple wants. It''s just this idea some people seem to have that the couple should be able to choose the gifts their guests give that doesn''t sit well with me. That''s all. FI and I always give what we think (and know) the couple wants--a check, one tenth of their honeymoon airfare, a teapot, whatever.

Brazen--That''s hilarious, about your childhood nickname and whatnot. I figured you were an honorary member of the tribe from your posts , but I just couldn''t help saying something. You know, in case everyone else who has access to this thread misreads what you meant to say. Just protecting my people, ya know.

Okay, this thread has distracted me from grading Shakespeare exams for far too long. Thanks for making it interesting!

 

[diamondfan]

Date: 5/13/2008 11:38:52 PM
Author: Linda W
Hey a 1950''s salad bowl in the shape of lettuce, might be worth something. LOL


Linda

Is it bakelite or fiesta ware?!!!

 

[jdinsf]

"I think "asking" for money is never acceptable under any circumstances. There is a reason it''s been deemed poor manners for eons. As many have already said, a guest, even a wedding guest, isn''t technically "required" to give any gift. I think a wedding gift should be something to get the couple started off in life, or if they''ve been living together for some time or older, then it''s the opportunity to upgrade to perhaps nicer pieces of household items. I personally do not give to honeymoon registries as I don''t feel it is my responsibility to pay for someone else''s honeymoon. That should be their responsibility. If parents want to pay for a honeymoon or whatever, that''s great, but not other guests. I''m also not keen on buying things like kayaks or sporting equipment or whatever because I then feel like I''m being used as a "get something crazy for free" card and that irks me. To me, wedding gifts are home-related. Period."

I''m going to begin by stipulating that guests, while not required to send a gift, are generally going to do so. Also, if you''re comfortable with registries for "home-making" itmes then you''re fundamentally accepting of the convention of couples strongly stating their gift preferences. It''s very odd that the desire for an otherwise unfordable trip to Europe should offend you more than the never-used-but-super-sleek-$100-waffle maker. Are you somehow emotionally attached to All-Clad?

You state that you believe that a wedding gift "should be something to get the couple started off in life..." I assume that the premise here is that getting "started off in life" has a certain meaning (e.g. china) or at least that you''re privy to the unimpeachable definition of what a couple wants or needs to get started in life. That''s a strange position. Why do you hold it? Because it''s tradition? There are many cultural traditions that are archaic and no longer observed. Traditions change over time.

Moreover, it''s odd that you would feel so certain in your arbitrary definition of what a couple needs that you''d actually REFUSE to get what a couple wants or needs to satiate your own construction of appropriateness. It''s as though you''re going to a birthday party for a die-hard Republican and bringing "Audacity of Hope." As a recipient, should I be grateful?

I believe that it''s incumbent on the gift giver to at least consider what the recipient might like... otherwise it''s almost offensive. If my FI got mascara, for example, he ought not be grateful. It''s so obviously absurd (since he doesn''t wear it) and so clearly without regard that it becomes insulting. We can all agree that the attendees presence is enough, but if they are to offer a present, it ought to at least be considerate of the recipient''s preferences.

A gift is meant to convey symbolism of caring and celebration from the gift-giver. It''s high time that we divorce both archaic and elitist notions of etiquette in favor of realism.

 

[Selkie]

Moonwater, you''re stirring the pot a little tonight, with this and the engagement ring post! Keep it up, I''m enjoying the show...

 

[MoonWater]

LOL my bad. I knew this was a touchy subject but I thought the article was interesting and offered some insight in how it was absurd to be offended by a registry for a honeymoon but not a registry for pots and pans.

Incidentally, this thread now reminds me of what I read in book about Buddhism. I posted the very same thing in another thread when a poor woman was unhappy with the Ering she was given and someone tried to tell her it was a GIFT lol...

The story by the monk completely defines how I give gifts:

It''s funny, I read a book on Buddhism once and the analogy went something like this: There was a fruit that was beloved by nearly everyone in the country. They really valued this fruit. But this monk had a huge distain for it. The very smell of it made him ill. He said, if you were to give him this fruit as a gift, you would believe that you are doing something great for him, since everyone loves this fruit so much and it''s so well valued. But he said, since he does not care for it, it would be torturous to subject him to it (he was performing a Buddhist ceremony in part of this story and someone left this fruit as an offering and he had to cover it with a bowl because the smell stopped him from concentrating). The point was that a gift should come out of love for the other person. You don''t give to satisfy yourself, you give to satisfy another. I give the absolutely best xmas presents because I make it a point to listen to people all year and I get them exactly what they want/need instead of what I think they could use/like. And if I can''t figure it out and have to guess, I always include the receipt!

 

[luckystar112]

style="WIDTH: 99%; HEIGHT: 92px">Date: 5/14/2008 12:06:26 AM
Author: jdinsf

It''s as though you''re going to a birthday party for a die-hard Republican and bringing ''Audacity of Hope.'' As a recipient, should I be grateful?

Well, this is surfgirl you''re talking about.

 

[Selkie]

No, not your bad at all, I like seeing alternative viewpoints come up every now and then. (Do you happen to read the Indiebride forums? Nothing but, there!) I tend to agree with you and the article, although I can't think of a single person I know who has actually done a honeymoon registry (or something equivalent). I think in the end, like absolutely everything else about weddings it comes down to trying to mesh your OWN personal preferences with what is socially acceptable in YOUR family or culture. When people make blanket statements about "Never give cash! Tacky!" or "A registry? How gauche!" they forget that their culture may have entirely different "rules" than others.

I personally see registries of any kind as "suggestions" to which sometimes I adhere (especially if I don't know the people as well), while sometimes I go for a more personalized option.

*picks bowl of popcorn up*

 

[Selkie]

Just for the record, I DO think it's impolite to literally ASK for cash or particular gifts in a direct form, such as in the invitations. That's one reason I think the article is poorly written/misleading. Even though the article repeatedly uses the word "ask" for gifts, I don't think spreading the info by word of mouth or creating a registry is the same thing at all. It's a fine line, I guess.

 

[Selkie]

Oh! And one more thing I dislike about the way the article is written-the title: "In Defense of Greedy Brides." What? Wait a minute, what about the greedy grooms? Why is all the blame being dumped on the woman?

 

[diamondfan]

If men could register for plasma tv''s, fishing rods and golf clubs...they would be eating off of paper plates!

 

[Sparkalicious]

Date: 5/13/2008 10:26:06 PM
Author: Linda W
I think a gift registry is OK if it doesn''t go over the line. Two of our nieces were way over the line.

I almost fell off my computer chair, when I saw the things they were asking for. $400.00 comforter. $350.00 place setting of china, etc. etc. 299.00 whatever it was, I could not believe my eyes.

Linda

Linda - I see your niece''s registry''s $400 comforter and $350 place setting etc and raise you ....

2 x $2,500 flat screen tv''s
1 x $6,000 bed

I am NOT joking.

I couldn''t believe my eyes when I saw my friends registry with assorted stuff like this on it ... It was pretty obscene!

Her gift opening was even worse ... Her and her family uttered a clipped "thanks" for anything under $100. Got more animated for items over $100 and cheered for items over $500. It was sickening and we had to leave b/c we just couldn''t endure the whole sordid scenario any longer.

It just seemed so sad that people who had bought things for them with the best intentions were blantantly under appreciated. The couple and their respective family''s lack of enthusiasm, I think, related to the fact that they "expected" that people would come bearing presents to "cover their plate" ... Some guests, however, didn''t realize how much they were spending per plate (why would they know if they weren''t familiar with the venue?? -- should they even have to??!), therefore, got them a present from their registry thinking it would suffice and make them happy. What fools these wretched guests were.

My friend should have just chucked the under $100 presents back at her guests and kicked them on the shins on their way out the front door. Their reaction pretty much had the same effect if the crest-fallen faces of their guests were at all accurate.

Needless to say ... asking for cash or gift registry or whatever the couple''s preference - makes no difference to me as long as they are gracious and grateful about receiving a gift that they said that they wanted and would appreciate - and they follow up with a thank you. I know that weddings are expensive and if the couple is brave enough to be "real" about wanting cash and expressing such ... whatever ... I''ll give you cash. Is it something I would do for my own wedding, nope, but different strokes for different folks.

*My* preference is to purchase a gift from the couple''s registry b/c it makes me feel as though I have some latitude to get them something that I would like to get them but that I know that they would still like. Ultimately, I guess I prefer a registry gift b/c it is safe. I tend to spend more money on gifts than I would give if I was giving cash as well so I think that this is a nice plus for the couple.

Anyways ... to end my story. My friend got pregnant by another man about 3 days into her marriage, therefore, the marriage ended -- ALL gifts were kept instead of being returned AND ... thank you cards were not issued. Giving cash or gifts or contributing to a honeymoon registry whatever - not an issue - NOT getting a thank you and keeping a gift after defaulting on your marriage vows 3 days in ... now THAT is an issue.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 5/14/2008 1:04:04 AM
Author: diamondfan
If men could register for plasma tv''s, fishing rods and golf clubs...they would be eating off of paper plates!

True that!!

My take on it, is that weddings where people give cash gifts it''s a given, like an unspoken rule. I have been given the heads up in these circumstances, as it''s foreign to me. I have no problem with giving a cash gift. Do I want to be held hostage to pay for your room massages while you are honeymooning?? Ummm, that would be a NO. I dunno, it''s very different these days, some things I say no prob. Other''s that are self serving, Such as in room massages, I don''t think it''s the guests obligation to help finance.

I''d much rather buy you a toaster. Just kidding, am hipper than that.

 

[diamondfan]

Spark, no offense, but WOW. What kind of woman gets pregnant by another man less than a week into her marriage (or at all but that really stinks). And keeping the gifts is pretty gauche. A couple days in they should go back immediately.

My cousin got separated a few months after her wedding. Gifts were still coming in. They were returned to the giver or the store.