It''s ok to ask for cash as a wedding gift....

[rainbowtrout]

Just wanted to say that I love registries. I like buying people things they need or want, and I like having a range of price options. Obviously some people do registries badly, but nicely done ones are sent from heaven when you aren't best friends with the couple.

And now that I HAVE a registry, I love it too! I love and need everything on it, and I have made clear to my poor fellow student friends that if they feel that they MUST get us a gift, that I do in fact really want the two 13.00 madeline pans, or the nice stainless steel ladels (9.00). One of FMIL's friends got us a kitchenaid off it, and to all the people who squawk about how "impersonal" registry gifts are---bah! I will use this forever and remember that they gave me my bright red kitchenaid off my registry forever!

As for cash, I don't know. It's fine. Personally when we are given cash I then feel obligated to do something useful with it like invest it or pay my electricity bill with it, not buy my wonderful china or the pots I want soooo badly.


Gift giving is reciprocal. It is bad taste to expect anything in particular, but it is also bad taste not to give. It is, seriously, who shows up to a wedding empty handed? I would not and have not. I also strongly feel that this entitled gift-giver attitude of "I will give the recipient whatever and they MUST be very grateful" is silly. They are obligated to smile politely and write you a thank you note--they aren't obligated to somehow be deeply morally content over your crappy gift giving skills.


ETA: I do think putting it on the invite is kind of odd. We put it on our website at the bottom, saying "Of course your presence is enough of a gift, but we are registered at X and Y."

 

[doodle]

ya know, i think some of the "expectation" depends on the relationship between the giver and the receiver. for example, if one of you were to send me a wedding gift, i would be extremely grateful for the thought, and if i disliked the gift, hey, that''s cool. you don''t know me well enough to know my tastes. on the other hand, my best friend gave me cinnamon scented lotion in a christmas gift last year. the girl has been my best friend for over 15 years, so you''d think she''d remember that i''m violently allergic to cinnamon! and it''s not like this isn''t a frequently mentioned detail--our other best friend (yes, we''re a trio, haha) is a bartender, and at the bar where she works, the owner likes to give house shots to frequent patrons, but i can never have them because they contain goldschlager. were my feelings hurt to know that i spent 6 months making a scrapbook for her for christmas and meanwhile she gets me something she KNOWS i''m allergic to? yes...not because i expected some lavish gift but because i expected her, as my best friend, to care and to want me to be happy, not in the hospital! i think having a wedding just to get gifts is not only just plain silly but also highly counterproductive. unless your friends are loaded, your wedding will most likely be a lot more hassle and expense than the gifts are worth!

 

[diamondfan]

Doodle, that stinks but it is kinda funny too, that she must have been somewhere in Tahiti in her mind to do that. I know certain things about my nearest and dearest friends, but have a lot in my overtaxed brain and might forget that this friend gets sick from white wine and that friend cannot stand the smell of gardenia. It is hard to generally keep that stuff all clear, but for your best friend it would seem obvious. Did you laugh about it with her and say, what were you thinking?!

The last few posts also are a deepening of my points early on...

1. Though one should not expect gifts or throw an event to get them, it is also conversely rude to not come with anything to someone''s event. Gift giving is sort of a norm in our culture, a shower is basically, Hi, give me this stuff. There is not really a whole lot of point to a shower otherwise, if I am invited to a shower for a bride to be I know I am bringing a gift, most likely off her registry. And though I was challenged about this, I still believe many people, in checking out the list and what is in their price range, likes to pick something they feel good about giving. I figure most stuff on the list is wanted and needed, but I might lean toward the red mixer because I love it versus the popcorn popper which is nice but does not grab me. I am still deciding from amongst the choices.

2. Always be gracious, even if the gift stinks, because unless the giver is a nutter, I can almost be assured that the person, maybe misguidedly, thought I would like or want or be happy with their gift. Hey, I have been married almost 18 years and I flat out TELL hubby what I want. No guesswork there.
You can give it away or whatever, but thinking nasty things about the person who gave it to you is not really that worthwhile. Again, my mother in law is possibly the ONLY person I have ever known who PURPOSELY gave me the worst gifts. At worst case, I have friends who give you bad gifts, but it is NOT malicious, they just have different taste than I do. But I do not want to string them up for giving me a copy of their favorite book.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 5/15/2008 10:08:55 PM
Author: claudinam
I see that some feel that it is rude that a bride/groom expect any gifts at their wedding because it is a celebration of their union, it''s a party you''re throwing to be able to share the day with your guests, etc. I totally get that, it definitely sounds like the ''right'' thing. Of course it makes me feel a little ashamed/guilty because quite honestly, although we haven''t asked for anything, only told my parents about our (very small) registry, and are paying for the wedding ourselves, we are hoping people give us gifts!

We don''t talk about it all the time, or sit there speculating, but I am thinking we''re going to get gifts? I also agree that a lot of what you do/expect depends on your social circle. I''ve just never gone to a wedding and didn''t give a gift...so maybe that''s part of the reason it''s ''expected''? (ties back to the social circle thing?)

But I want to ask you guys one question...for those who really feel that truly gifts should not be expected, are you saying that if at your wedding, you had absolutely zero gifts, that it wouldn''t cross your mind to be like ?huh? I am really curious about this...

I might be a bit surprised as it is ''normal'' to give gifts at a wedding and wonder if I''d offended people - we also don''t have showers in the UK, so it''s normal to give towels, sheets, china etc as wedding gifts so I''d be slightly sad that I had been so blase about FI breaking so much of our cheap china over the last year!

However we are holding a second party in London on 08/08/08 and inviting around 200 for drinks and canapes. I will be mortified if people buy as presents for this as it is so not about that, but about celebrating with our friends. I was shocked how many people brought gifts to our engagement party - although I would bring one to a friends. I''m still trying to think of a way to say no gifts that doesn''t imply that you might have thought people would - if that makes sense...

 

[risingsun]

We received a combination of checks, gifts from the registry and gifts off the registry. Some of my co-workers went in together on an expensive item, which I thought was a wonderful idea. Another bought me two place settings of my china, which was extremely generous! It was evident that the givers gave thought to the gifts and we were touched by what we received. If someone didn't "quite get it right," it didn't matter. I think what some of us have been trying to say is that we need to be gracious as the giver or the recipient. We did not list our registry on the invitations. Our guests could ask us or my MIL to be. This was a second marriage for both of us and this worked for us.

 

[diamondfan]

Pandora, I LOVE that date!!!!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 5/15/2008 10:08:55 PM
Author: claudinam
I see that some feel that it is rude that a bride/groom expect any gifts at their wedding because it is a celebration of their union, it''s a party you''re throwing to be able to share the day with your guests, etc. I totally get that, it definitely sounds like the ''right'' thing. Of course it makes me feel a little ashamed/guilty because quite honestly, although we haven''t asked for anything, only told my parents about our (very small) registry, and are paying for the wedding ourselves, we are hoping people give us gifts!

We don''t talk about it all the time, or sit there speculating, but I am thinking we''re going to get gifts? I also agree that a lot of what you do/expect depends on your social circle. I''ve just never gone to a wedding and didn''t give a gift...so maybe that''s part of the reason it''s ''expected''? (ties back to the social circle thing?)

But I want to ask you guys one question...for those who really feel that truly gifts should not be expected, are you saying that if at your wedding, you had absolutely zero gifts, that it wouldn''t cross your mind to be like ?huh? I am really curious about this...

If I had absolutely ZERO gifts, I would have been very happy. Honestly.

Part of it is that I''m anti-gift. I disliked the idea of people giving DH and I gifts because we were making a commitment. We had a very small wedding, but it was something that WE had for ourselves and our families in gratitude for them coming to see us make that commitment. The fact that they were all willing to travel out to spend some time at our wedding made us happy enough.

The other part, and this is important, was that our families are not well-to-do by any means. I did not want anything we didn''t need from people who couldn''t afford it.

So I spread that word that we didn''t want gifts, nor did we want them donating to charities, nor did we want cash. There would be no registry, but we would LOVE their company.

We sort of got a backlash. Family members started telling us they''d just write us a check if we didn''t register, to which I replied that we simply wouldn''t cash it. This really made some people upset--I didn''t know what to do because it seemed that giving us something was important to our family members

So I made a registry. Most of it was a joke so that people would know I was not serious about the whole gift thing. I also registered for a few inexpensive items as well, so nobody would have to send much to get us a gift. Most people went above and beyond and bought off the registry and I appriated EVERY single one of my gifts, I couldn''t believe the generocity we received, but the whole thing STILL made me uncomfortable and while I love the gifts, I would have been equally content without any at all.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 5/14/2008 1:30:25 AM
Author: diamondfan
Spark, no offense, but WOW. What kind of woman gets pregnant by another man less than a week into her marriage (or at all but that really stinks). And keeping the gifts is pretty gauche. A couple days in they should go back immediately.

My cousin got separated a few months after her wedding. Gifts were still coming in. They were returned to the giver or the store.

The kind of woman who marries Jerry Seinfeld. Remember?? She was on her honeymoon after marrying a nice Jewish man (a doctor, I think), and she met Seinfeld during their stay overseas somewhere. A mere few hours after pledging her love and commitment "til death do us part". She started ''seeing him'' after she got home and the marriage was over before it even had a chance to begin. Talk about crass. She had already bagged the proverbial ''perfect man'' and had the ''perfect wedding'' and then threw him over for a celebrity. On her honeymoon. She didn''t love her husband, he was a means to social status; and Seinfeld was the creme de la creme of her society longings.

 

[doodle]

Date: 5/16/2008 7:47:30 PM
Author: HollyS

Date: 5/14/2008 1:30:25 AM

Author: diamondfan

Spark, no offense, but WOW. What kind of woman gets pregnant by another man less than a week into her marriage (or at all but that really stinks). And keeping the gifts is pretty gauche. A couple days in they should go back immediately.


My cousin got separated a few months after her wedding. Gifts were still coming in. They were returned to the giver or the store.

The kind of woman who marries Jerry Seinfeld. Remember?? She was on her honeymoon after marrying a nice Jewish man (a doctor, I think), and she met Seinfeld during their stay overseas somewhere. A mere few hours after pledging her love and commitment ''til death do us part''. She started ''seeing him'' after she got home and the marriage was over before it even had a chance to begin. Talk about crass. She had already bagged the proverbial ''perfect man'' and had the ''perfect wedding'' and then threw him over for a celebrity. On her honeymoon. She didn''t love her husband, he was a means to social status; and Seinfeld was the creme de la creme of her society longings.

OH. MY. DOG!!! some people suck. luckily, all of us PSers are simply FAAAAABULOUS and would nevah evah go there!

 

[diamondfan]

Jessica Sklar married Eric Nederlander. His family owns theaters. She was married for a short while and met Jerry Seinfeld at the gym. She decided she was not in love with her husband and left him. Now, I am not saying what she did was great, but it is a bit different. She married him but when she had feelings for Seinfeld she realized she did not love her hubby. A shame and a big mess, but she has been happily married now for years. It happens, not cool or great for ex husband, but hopefully he found someone else too.

 

[surfgirl]

Holly, my understanding was that she wasn't on her honeymoon when they met and she started seeing Seinfeld several weeks or a couple of months after she got back from her honeymoon. Her first husband, Eric Nederlander, is a very high profile Broadway producer, as is his father and he is extremely wealthy in his own right. He might not be Seinfeld wealthy but I would consider him very wealthy and by virtue of his profession he runs with a celebrity crowd himself. It's not like she married some schlub and ditched him. From what I understand, Eric was very controlling and not really a nice guy and she realized after she married him it wasn't getting better and she met Seinfeld and fell in love and realized she'd made a mistake. IIRC, she left her husband fairly soon after because she realized the mistake and didn't want to prolong it, however, he was more concerned about appearances and wanted her to stay for that reason. I have a very close friend of our family who's in the Broadway circle for work and it seems like it was a bad marriage from the get go and she quickly got out of it and fell for someone whom she seems very happy with.

ETA: "perfect man" and "perfect wedding" are pretty subjective, aren't they?!?

ETA2: DF, we were posting at the same time...Yes! It was at the gym that they met.

 

[Haven]

Date: 5/15/2008 10:08:55 PM
Author: claudinam
I see that some feel that it is rude that a bride/groom expect any gifts at their wedding because it is a celebration of their union, it''s a party you''re throwing to be able to share the day with your guests, etc. I totally get that, it definitely sounds like the ''right'' thing. Of course it makes me feel a little ashamed/guilty because quite honestly, although we haven''t asked for anything, only told my parents about our (very small) registry, and are paying for the wedding ourselves, we are hoping people give us gifts!

We don''t talk about it all the time, or sit there speculating, but I am thinking we''re going to get gifts? I also agree that a lot of what you do/expect depends on your social circle. I''ve just never gone to a wedding and didn''t give a gift...so maybe that''s part of the reason it''s ''expected''? (ties back to the social circle thing?)


But I want to ask you guys one question...for those who really feel that truly gifts should not be expected, are you saying that if at your wedding, you had absolutely zero gifts, that it wouldn''t cross your mind to be like ?huh? I am really curious about this...

Claudina--I would probably be surprised if we were not given any gifts for our wedding because it''s such a consistent practice, but I certainly wouldn''t be upset. I don''t think you should be ashamed or guilty because you''re hoping for gifts, that sounds like a natural thing to me.

As for the idea that people are getting married later and therefore don''t need stuff and prefer money, I have to say I don''t see it that way. We''re a bit older (27 and 3 and we have a lot of the necessary items already, and we really don''t like having a lot of "stuff" anyway, so I originally thought registering would be difficult. However, we still found plenty to register for because we certainly don''t own nice kitchenware and linens, so we found we had a lot to put on our "wish list".