I'm a widow

[minousbijoux]

So wish I could be with you. I'd love to keep you company!

If you feel up to it, check in when you can...

 

[AGBF]

It feels like my husband's passing was like a TV commercial break for others and they get to resume their lives and I'm forced with this as my new normal.

It is so hard to continue to grieve after the initial burst of support one receives just after one's loss. There is, at first, a large crowd of people around and then, suddenly, nothing. It is really terrible. One is alone in a world with a huge gap, often very low and depressed with all kinds of parts of one's life missing. I am so sorry you are enduring this, PB. I am sorry your mother didn't want to go with you for the hairdresser's appointment.

Hugs,
(((PB)))
Deb

 

[PintoBean]

I slept till 630pm today!!!! I didn't even realize how hot it was getting in the house. I happily sweat away under the comforter. What exhausted me more was the call from the retirement plan DH had with a previous employer. As I suspected he never changed the beneficiary, so under the T&Cs the beneficiary (FIL) and the spouse each get 50%. Awkward. If I cash it I get hit with 20% tax. I'm hoping I can roll it into a plan and let it continue growing. I've decided that I won't let this sum of money get between us as family. I will encourage my FIL to use it to buy an AWD vehicle bc that's what Michael would have wanted. I look at it this way... I have a diverse academic and professional background bc it arms me to readily get a job. More money will come my way. It's just money. (Not being a snob but it's import wanes compared to my DH's life).

I'm trying not to cry now but my friend S who lost her baby daddy last year called me and said she wanted to come by after work. When I woke up at 630 I texted I'm tired, she texted back she would pick something up bc I had to eat. At that point I sucked it up and got dressed lolol. Even funnier, she said her hairdresser cousin might join us for dinner. Funny how Oh, they're here!

 

[marcy]

PB, I am glad you slept in. That is too bad that the retirement plan will need to be split with your FIL but as you say the money doesn't compare with everything else going on. I like the thought of encouraging your FIL to buy something your husband would want him to have.

I hope you enjoyed spending time with your friend and her cousin.

Take care.
Marcy

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Can your companions do your hair? I know you missed an earlier appointment...would this work out? If not dinner and gab is all good.

cheers--Sharon

 

[PintoBean]

Haha I've told him that he's now my gay boyfriend and I'm his straight girlfriend and he's going to cut my bangs and give me random stripes of color in my hair so I have rainbow hair. Lololol...

 

[Puppmom]

Pintobean, I know you don't want to fight over money and I really admire that. I think it's especially nice that you know exactly what DH would want his dad to buy. I just wanted you to know that, as Michael's spouse, you are considered 100% beneficiary of his retirement accounts unless you consented in writing to being something less. This is federal law and doesn't vary plan to plan. So his employer should be paying careful attention. Any election he made prior to marrying you becomes null when you got married and you are primary beneficiary unless you consent otherwise. Maybe you did - I just wanted to share.

I think of you everyday and check in here. It must be very hard to watch the world go round when yours is standing still. I'm glad you've got some great support.

 

[PintoBean]

I also read the terms (found online) as all going to the spouse unless the spouse specifically waives. I have so many things that I'm waving the middle finger at that I am forced to drop this for now until I see the paperwork that is coming in the mail and read it over. Unpleasant shit in general.

 

[jordyonbass]

Sorry to hear about you having to go through this part PB. Hopefully this pic of the kitten helping me cut some pretties today makes you smile some more (and because you mentioned to me that this thread needs more pussy )

 

[Calliecake]

Hi Pinto, I hope you enjoyed your time with your friend tonight. I've been thinking of you. Hugs

 

[PintoBean]

So more discussion about my husband's accident tonight. S told me the rain was pouring torrentially and that once the vehicle skid off the road it did in fact tumble over itself as it headed into the trees. She spoke to some of the firemen who were there and the firemen also saw the crime scene photos. The firemen confirmed that it was difficult to get him out and that they just pronounced him dead on the scene. She also agreed that that road is known to pool water on the road due to the curves and hills as opposed to letting it run off.

It feels like everyone in the surrounding villages knows more about what happened during the accident than I do.

It's surprising bc by 1230 pm when the police came the sun was out.

I think about how I can't drive that road to go visit @gemgirl's village.

I thought my DH looked a little short in the coffin - probably from being crushed. The day of the funeral we got to view him one last time and his right sleeve had shifted and there was a strip of red between his hand and the sleeve like no skin. Yuck.

It's funny that it's good to have a friend who just lost someone last year bc she sees through what I'm saying and can tell if I'm eating or not.

My SIL commented that I'm sleeping too much. I let her know that the stuff I have to take care of sucks the life out of me in addition to that think called grief. She asked if she can help so I said sure, scan my husband's death certificate for me. Your parents have a copy too. Let's see how she feels after doing that. She already quit her part time job of working 2 days a week at an office in addition to 3 days in a hospital last week bc of the impact of her brother's death.

 

[PintoBean]

Can someone sleepover please?

 

[MollyMalone]

If I knew where you live, Pinto, I'd hop in my car -- and pick up some ice cream, along with any other PSers who live en route from NYC to your place -- for a sleep-over.

How I wish tonight, and those still to come, could be easier for you. Maybe try the waves recording -- or perhaps you've already tried it out & it wasn't as helpful as I'd hoped :-/
https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/im-a-widow.231271/page-7#post-4167383

Sending you some gently restorative zzzz's

 

[Queenie60]

Wish I could be there for you. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Take care my friend. God bless.

 

[TooPatient]

Sending you hugs PB. You are never far from my mind. I hope you have someone with you tonight. I sure wish I lived closer.

 

[Smores84]

Dear PintoBean, I'm still thinking of you often and wishing for comfort and peace. Please take good care. You have lots of people here who care very much for you, even if we don't know you in person. Sending love and hugs your way.

 

[gemgirl]

<<<I thought my DH looked a little short in the coffin - probably from being crushed. The day of the funeral we got to view him one last time and his right sleeve had shifted and there was a strip of red between his hand and the sleeve like no skin. Yuck.>>>


I read this early this morning on my iPad while still in bed. I said to myself, "OK, calm down, please Lisa do nothing right now. Don't follow through with a knee jerk Sicilian style reaction", which I dearly wanted to do. I came back to read this thread on our desktop hours later and this entry still infuriates me. I think I'll give myself the weekend to mellow out before I call that funeral director and give him a good piece of my mind! How dare they allow M's precious wife and his birth family to see him looking anything other than as normal as could be achieved under the circumstances. There are ways to disguise absolutely anything as unusual as what you all saw. Don't ask me how I know. We've known people who have passed under far different then ideal old age circumstances.

I promise I'm not going to do anything. I'm just hoping the smoke clears from the steam rising from my head. UGGHH!!!

I hope your day gets busy enough to side track your mind.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

PB, what you've had to endure is beyond pale and yet you do it with such grace and dignity. I wish I could hold your hand and rub your shoulders.

healing vibes across the miles--Sharon

 

[PintoBean]

A very unusual thing happened recently. My friend was driving back and heading down the road The accident was on. He saw a NYDOT truck pick up some car parts. Not a good job. Then he saw a NYDOT truck (different type) come clear poison ivy. There is a lot of poison ivy and car debris around the tree that they made a vigil at. Across the street from where my husband mowed down the 40 mph curve sign there is a NEW sign installed - deer crossing! My neighbor was just sitting and observing and pondering this odd sign when he saw a female deer come up by his car. He panicked because the incoming traffic was driving obnoxiously and stuck around until the deer turned back and walked back into the woods. He always said that my animal loving husband would never hit an animal even if it meant at his own risk. It was just bizarre lolol. Then he noticed by the vigil tree something metallic and asked me if my husband had one of those military type fold up trowels. Oh, the little fold up spade in a container? Yes. Someone found it and laid it in front of the vigil tree.

My neighbor B is home alone as his wife has fun with friends in CT, so I was his "babe du jour" and I treated him to Thai food and introduced him to bubble tea in the mall. I insisted on paying the check because he and his wife often treat me to dinner and they always look out for me and are wonderful neighbors. He has invited me to go count horseshoe crabs with him tomorrow on the beach as volunteer work (covering for his wife's absence). I said it depends on how hot it is lolol.

I've also offered to tutor my friend's 7th grade son in science and Spanish. His science teacher turned out to be married to a former work friend of mine lol - small world. Teacher and I are also FB friends lololol. We figured out that the kid has been lying about going to homework center and tutoring during school hours and hasn't been handing in HW with one text exchange - busted! Haha I didn't graduate 3rd in my class by working hard - we figured out the system! Kid needs to wake up and realize failing bc of HW is no bueno. His Spanish teacher taught when I was in school too. While I never had her, she was always a fair teacher. I know the kid has personal issues too bc it was recently a year since his father took his own life. The psychologists are on top of it. I teased his mom - he KNoWS you so he knows how to snow you. I'm a foreign entity lololol.

 

[yennyfire]

Hi dear PB,

I wish I could blink my eyes "I Dream of Jeanne" style and be there to keep you company overnight!

I'm so glad you are making an effort to do things. Dinner with a friend is great (especially with bubble tea!), and counting horseshoe crabs sounds....interesting. How do you know which ones you've counted and which ones you haven't or that's been counted by someone else? I digress, just ignore me!

I'm glad you'll be helping your other friend by tutoring her son. That's such a kind thing of you to do and it may be a mutually beneficial thing for both of you. You are a woman of many talents!! Can you help my kid with 7th grade ELA??

I hope that you get a better night's sleep tonight and have fun with the crabs (now that's a weird sentence to write!)...

 

[december-fire]

Pinto, Sweetie, sounds like the deer is trying to let you know something.

Sounds like you had fun as the 'babe du jour'.
Count horseshoe crabs? Sounds like something you'd tell annoying kids to go do.
Now I have this strange urge to go count horseshoe crabs with you and learn all about their population and reasons for their decline? Increase? Are we at rise of them taking over?

Oh, you are so wise. That young man might be able to get away with stuff with his mom, but his schemes will just get a smirk and 'yeah, right' from you. I'm glad he's getting some help dealing with his father's suicide. That's rough. To put it mildly.

Pinto, it would take a few hours to get there, but I wish I could come keep you company.

Sending comforting thoughts, hugs and prayers for strength and peace.

 

[zoebartlett]

PintoBean, I just saw news of your husband's passing. I can imagine what you're going through. I'm so sorry.

 

[valeria101]

Can someone sleepover please?

Temptations ... You'd have to kick me out of the house - or marry me ! I need that too ...

[ From Europe ... ]

 

[PintoBean]

Temptations ... You'd have to kick me out of the house - or marry me ! I need that too ...

[ From Europe ... ]

My mother would subject you to a 12 part lecture on why you shouldn't marry me. (She also asked my husband many many times if he was sure he wanted to marry me bc I'm not domestic and I'm messy and he would end up picking up after me. And if he liked Korean food so much had he considered a Korean wife?)

 

[Karl_K]

thoughts and prayers continue from wifey4vr and myself.

 

[TooPatient]

Just tossing this out there as I have been thinking how horrible and preventable this was. Can the city/county be held accountable in any way for not maintaining the roads and dealing with drainage? Seems like the road is a hazard. If they don't fix the issues, more could lose their lives.

 

[PintoBean]

Just tossing this out there as I have been thinking how horrible and preventable this was. Can the city/county be held accountable in any way for not maintaining the roads and dealing with drainage? Seems like the road is a hazard. If they don't fix the issues, more could lose their lives.

The county is quite corrupt. Unless the life lost is of someone with a home value that has an extra 0, we will not be heard. My friend works in govt on the state level and once he heard what county he just rolled his eyes.

 

[TooPatient]

The county is quite corrupt. Unless the life lost is of someone with a home value that has an extra 0, we will not be heard. My friend works in govt on the state level and once he heard what county he just rolled his eyes.

Wow. That is just so wrong. I'm sorry.

 

[tyty333]

You are still in my thoughts PB...I read this thread multiple times a day (so I'm staying up with you...feel free to consider me a stalker ).

I am glad that there are things you can do that will give you a break from dealing with all the paperwork etc. You have a lot to offer and you
have a beautiful soul that you dont mind sharing with others.

When we were sitting outside at the burial site for my FIL, a white feather came slowly floating down out of the sky from like out of no where.
It was very odd but we use it as a sign and whenever we see a feather we (my kids) say grandpa's thinking about us. Its a nice way
to remember him and keep him in our thoughts. That's what the deer story reminded me of. Kind of like a sign.

 

[qubitasaurus]

PintoBean I have been reading your thread for the last couple of days, and I just wanted to say you sound really brave.