I'm a widow

[ringo865]

Pinto. There are no words to comfort you you just gotta trudge thru all of this to get out on the other side. It's brighter on the other side. Sometimes there'll be brighter spaces on the way through. But sometimes it'll be dark and scary, as unfamiliar emotions well up and wash over, suffocating you.

To lighten up the moment … Here are my emormo boobs (and dh's facial hair, which has since been shaven clean) during our cruise this past march. With my modest sterling travel jewelry. Note my hand is trying to cover those extra chins.

 

[BlingDreams]

Does anyone want to sleep over?

Guess what? (Spoiler alert) Jane's husband Michael DIES leaving her a widow.

Oh good gracious! That's just not fair!!!!

 

[gemgirl]

How's our girl today?

 

[redwood66]

PB you are amazing. Hugs to you.

 

[Scandinavian]

PB, just wanted to send you a hug!

 

[Calliecake]

Pinto, Thunking of you and hoping you are doing well today. Hugs

 

[PintoBean]

Not a good day today. Nor was last night easy.

My neighbor and I talked a bit about the accident scene. The other day I blurted out wondering if it was intentional, and my neighbor said absolutely not. There are tire marks still in the road clear as day. He said that the road where the accident began is also curved and hilly in such a way that the rain coming down would have pooled in the road as opposed to running off to the side. Our roads are also riddled with pot holes. Something made the car swerve - animal, pothole, who knows, but once that happened the first thing he hit was waist high brush, where my neighbor found the hood ornament. Since the car is front wheel drive, the back gave out and from what I understand the car must have spun and bounced around the trees like a ball in a pachinko machine. I didn't see it but the car accident also was reported in a major regional newspaper where they posted a picture of it. My neighbor said yes there was a flat rear tire, but what was most telling is that the mag wheel (?) was bent so there was horizontal sliding. My neighbor found car parts littered everywhere and a bag of mulch had also flown out of the trunk. No wonder the people who came to help couldn't get the doors open even with crow bars and the police indicated that it took 2 hours to get him out. So in a nutshell his Catholic soul is safe lol. Pure freak accident.

I went to my bank yesterday and spoke to an employee. She advised me to keep the joint as is and not to send in the death certificate bc once I do his name is removed and any checks written to him I will have to ask to have re issued to my name. She said with the joint, I could still deposit checks written to DH but they would just go in for deposit only. She also forewarned me that if and when I end up with checks written to the estate of... those funds get taxed. I appreciated her looking out for me.

I went to our pizza place that's right by us and let the owner know DH had passed. This place was special to us bc they opened two days after we closed on our house. The owner was always very kind to us and DH did most of the take out pick up orders. I got two slices of plain to go and the owner said it was on him. Later that evening I joked around with my neighbor and said, dang, I should have ordered the most expensive items on the menu! Duhhh! 2 plain slices? I meant 2 pies with every meat and vegetable you have in your kitchen, no the STUFFED pizzas with every meat and vegetable in your kitchen! My neighbors were laughing. I clown around a lot because I don't want them to be sad...

It feels like my husband's passing was like a TV commercial break for others and they get to resume their lives and I'm forced with this as my new normal.

I still haven't scanned the death certificate... when dealing with life or death issues, you can take as much time with death because... it's just that.

 

[TooPatient]

PB, I'm sorry. I know from others that this is one of the hardest parts. As everyone else goes back to "normal" as you are still just barely realizing all that has changed. Hang in there. Yell. Scream. Cry. Post here. Whatever you need. We're all here.

I'm glad your neighbor was able to sit with you and talk about the accident. It sounds like a horrible freak accident where the weather and the road and whatever all just came together.

 

[BlingDreams]

PB, you continue to do an amazing job allowing yourself to go through all of these emotions, think all of these thoughts, and grieve in any and every way you need to. I am so impressed with your honesty about how hard this is - the bad days, the good days, being angry with your husband for leaving you, being angry at others for going back to their lives, and everything else.

You are right - anything nonessential can wait. Do things on your timeline. And keep reaching out for help. Perhaps you could send one of us the documents that need to be scanned and we can do them for you?

 

[missy]

Honey I am thinking of you. Focus on you and what helps you get through this. Take your time in processing it and dealing with as you say your new "normal". Each day will be different. Each hour will be different. The main thing is putting one foot after the other and moving forward. Let yourself feel what you feel. The grief, the sadness, the anger, all of it. Ask people for what you need from them and know you have so many people on your side supporting you, loving you and rooting for you. You are going to be OK. Don't focus on the future. Just take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. (((HUGS))).

 

[MissGotRocks]

I am sure it is very difficult to hear the details of the accident. I think at some point though you would want to know something about it - reality based people almost need to have an understanding of what happened in order to process and accept it. I know from experience that after losing someone dear, it is almost insulting to realize that the world is going forward and that everyone else seems relatively unaffected by your loss. In a startling reversal, you begin to realize though that yes it is moving forward and that you have to move forward with it. I think you are doing as well as anyone could expect you to at this point and I admire the spirit with which you are doing it. Please know that there are many that care about you and that while you might feel all alone, you never really are as long as there are kind hearted people to listen and hold you in their thoughts.

 

[luv2sparkle]

Oh PB, it must have been difficult to hear all the accident details. I am glad that you had some questions settled by it, even if they were just musings your brain throws back and forth. How sweet of you to stop by the pizza place and tell them what happened. What a kind woman you are! In the midst of your own pain you think about someone else.....
Hugs and prayers for some happy moments in the middle.

 

[yennyfire]

I'm so sorry PB. It has to be surreal to see life go on for everyone and you feel like yours has been suspended in a nightmare. We are here for you. You are so eloquent I can literally feel your emotions, so while we've never met irl, I feel like I know your soul just a little bit and I'm so angry on your behalf that you are being forced to live through all of this. Sending gentle hugs....

 

[lovedogs]

Ugh, I think this is the worst part of the grieving process. After a few weeks everyone else goes on with their lives, and you feel like you are stuck in a perpetual nightmare. It's horrible. We are here for you, and will be for as long as you need us (even after you are sick of us!) Hugs!

 

[marcy]

Hi PB. You are in my thoughts and all of us are here for you. Hugs to you.

 

[Calliecake]

Pinto, I'm sorry today was such a hard day. I wish there was something I could do to make this easier for you. Hugs

 

[foxinsox]

This is such a bloody hard sad time - all the immediate shocking and urgent emotion is over and you just have to get on with the new normal too which feels ploddy and awful and like it will never end. It does get easier even if it doesn't feel like that sometimes.
I'm glad the bank was helpful rather than adding to your difficulties and paperwork hassles!
I'm glad you were able to hear something to reassure you about it being truly an accident - it's a horrible thing to wonder about even if you were already sure it was definitely accidental because of what you know about your DH. Thinking of you often.

 

[PintoBean]

Thanks mom. I called and asked her if she could ride with me to go get my hair cut tomorrow and she says no bc she just went to that city on Tuesday for an eye appointment so no interest in going back again and I can drive myself.

Let her know if there's anything she can help me with my ass...

 

[wetsawblade]

Night owl here! Thinking of u & sry for such an awful day.

Could it b that ur mom momentarily forgot the context?

Side note: hate to sound crude, but my mom died a yr ago & everything was planned by her in advance: I still needed (& have) 2 original death certificates. No one would accept a scanned doc, although they made copies after verifying. Might b diff where u r, so apologies in advance & hope another {hug} will blunt my words.

 

[Queenie60]

PB - If I were your mama (and God knows I'm old enough!) - I would be there at the drop of a hat. I'm sure she has her reasons for feeling that way. Hang in there sweetie, you will get through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Take care

 

[PintoBean]

Night owl here! Thinking of u & sry for such an awful day.

Could it b that ur mom momentarily forgot the context?

Side note: hate to sound crude, but my mom died a yr ago & everything was planned by her in advance: I still needed (& have) 2 original death certificates. No one would accept a scanned doc, although they made copies after verifying. Might b diff where u r, so apologies in advance & hope another {hug} will blunt my words.

I have 10 original death certificates on hand, and the funeral home can get them for free within the first 6 months. It's weird having so many death certificates on hand lol.

 

[marcy]

PB, I am sorry to hear your mom wouldn't ride with you tomorrow. I thought exactly what Queenie said; she probably has some reason for saying no. Is it a long drive for you? Maybe put on some of your favorite songs that you love to sing out loud with them. I'd go with you too.

I got about 20 death certificates each for my parents and used maybe 12 - 15 of them.

I hope you get some sleep tonight.
Marcy

 

[wetsawblade]

I agree, it's very weird & difficult, painful to have so many certs. I got 2 free & paid for more [like birth certs in reverse! But sad bc ppl are (well-advised) to do this during the worst possible moments for decisions].

I found that 2 was enough for me to take care of things, but my situation was in no way comparable to yours.

Sry for so much unsolicited advice!

Thanks for your kind replies.

 

[PintoBean]

My mom has taken for granted that I am independent. It's about 45 minutes of driving. DH used to always keep me company. I just don't want to explain that my husband passed away when the stylist asks after him.

It's ok. I'm just going to leave my hair as is.

There's significantly less garbage now that it's just me. The can is light when I drag it out.

I'm not very touchy feely except when I'm with a significant other so I really miss hugs and snuggles with someone bigger than me.

 

[Calliecake]

PInto, I wish I was there to take you. I'm sorry about your mom and if it makes you feel any better I completely understand. Believe me I know it doesn't. I'm sorry honey. Do you have a girlfriend who could go with you?

 

[marcy]

PB I understand. Good idea to get your hair done some other time. Hugs to you.

 

[PintoBean]

I've been joking about the obgyn needing to remove some cobwebs in order to do an exam so, along the "black" widow cobweb theme, I've decided to name my vajayjay - "Charlotte's Web".

 

[gemgirl]

I've been joking about the obgyn needing to remove some cobwebs in order to do an exam so, along the "black" widow cobweb theme, I've decided to name my vajayjay - "Charlotte's Web".

That's not such a weird thought. I guess it's a woman's thing. I remained celibate for twelve years between husbands, and I used to think of it jokingly as "having rust in the old pipes". It's OK to joke about whatever you want to or need to.

I am absolutely convinced that love will find it's way to you again. You're beautiful.

 

[cmd2014]

My mom has taken for granted that I am independent.

She might also be trying to push you back into being independent (faster than you are comfortable with) because at some point (screamingly, weepingly, it not fair that I have to do this, I'm not ready) it's what you're going to have to do in order to work through grief, accept your loss, and find your footing in this (SO not what you ever wanted) new normal. Maybe explain to her that you know you will have to do this by yourself at some point, but that this point isn't today. ETA: people will try to rush you into independence and being ok. It makes them feel like you're going to be ok. It's ok to say, I get it but I'm not ready yet.

 

[LLJsmom]

PB, I'm thinking about you and hope you have a better day than yesterday. (((hug)))