I just wanna say -- the random comments thread

[canuk-gal]

There is also a possibility that I might meet these kids and it all becomes Very Very Real. Real in a way that Dee is not cool with. And then, frankly, I'm out. I mean -- I have to be, right? It's not fair to TR, or the kids, to keep doing this if I'm not serious about it. Ugh. So much angst right now...

It is about big and little people. So it is a big and little deal...for sure.

Cool vibes across the miles DJ

 

[Dee*Jay]

So...you know he has kids. What makes it a deal breaker? What’s the determining factor for getting out? Like if they are little shits? Hey tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day. Maybe a little Irish Whisky in that morning coffee isn’t a bad idea!

This is a whole new thing for me. They are like another species of beings. I don't have kids -- didn't have them On Purpose (thanks mom for that fvcked up childhood where, at the age of 8 or so I thought to myself "I will never do this to another human being," and the only way I could assure myself of that was not to have any human beings of my own... perhaps not the best logic, but at 47 probably too late to fix...). Anyway, I digress

I live a quiet existence. I don't have TVs and video games blaring around me. I don't have matchbox cars and action figures littering my floor. I don't have Batman underoos in my laundry basket.

A whole new world... Did I mention that already?!

I like your idea. I'll wear green in honor of St. Pat and put a little Jameson along with the vanilla creamer in my coffee!

 

[Dee*Jay]

It is about big and little people. So it is a big and little deal...for sure.

Cool vibes across the miles DJ

Bid and little for sure!

Thank you Sharon, I appreciate the support!!!

 

[Bonfire]

This is a whole new thing for me. They are like another species of beings. I don't have kids -- didn't have them On Purpose (thanks mom for that fvcked up childhood where, at the age of 8 or so I thought to myself "I will never do this to another human being," and the only way I could assure myself of that was not to have any human beings of my own... perhaps not the best logic, but at 47 probably too late to fix...). Anyway, I digress

I live a quiet existence. I don't have TVs and video games blaring around me. I don't have matchbox cars and action figures littering my floor. I don't have Batman underoos in my laundry basket.

A whole new world... Did I mention that already?!

I like your idea. I'll wear green in honor of St. Pat and put a little Jameson along with the vanilla creamer in my coffee!

I gotcha DJ. You know, you maybe pleasantly surprised. I’m really pullin’ for you on this.

 

[Dee*Jay]

I gotcha DJ. You know, you maybe pleasantly surprised. I’m really pullin’ for you on this.

Thank you Bonfire -- I appreciate that more than you know.

 

[junebug17]

Sending lots of good thoughts and support Dee! I'm sure you'll do fine with the kids, but I do understand the concerns you have. It's complicated when kids are involved but just take it one step at a time. And lol to the babysitter banging daddy!!! You almost made me choke on the ice cream cake I was in the middle of devouring!

 

[Cozystitches]

@rodentman Feel better!

@dee Hugs! I'm sure you'll do fine

 

[Calliecake]

Dee, The kids will love you. You know you are great with kids. They would have kicked you out of the Big Sisters program if you were not good with kids. You are a lot of fun and a great person. His kids will like you.

If you aren’t positive you want to take on a relationship that includes children I would continue to see him without the kids until you are sure you are committed to this relationship. It doesn’t seem fair to risk having the kids get attached to you if you aren’t 100% sure you want this. Give yourself some time and have fun with the TR.

 

[PintoBean]

Bahahahaha @Dee*Jay you have something more intimidating than kids...


You have a BEANIE!

 

[azstonie]

DJ, back when I was band directing, kids would tell me all about their mom or dad's dating lives. Here is some comment based on your posts:
1. Kids hate lying liars and being lied to .They also hate TMI. Their dad is your friend. The banging part is TMI, they know or will know it regardless of any excruciatingly embarrassing words from you or TR.
2. Stay out of their business, don't be needy with them or emotional with them. Keep things light. Avoid disciplining them. Under no circs, ask or comment re their mother.

Keep an open mind, have fun, time spent doing things is way better than time spent sitting.

 

[redwood66]

@Dee*Jay you will be fine. You are a good person with an awesome sense of humor. Take it one step at a time with TR and enjoy your day tomorrow. This is awesome of you to do.

 

[Matata]

@Dee*Jay
. Speaking from personal experience, you will be #2 priority in the relationship -- #3 depending on his type of career -- at least until the kids are in high school and think it uncool to hang with their parents. Whether you like them or they like you is irrelevant. They will always be in the relationship with you. You simply can't commit to the man without committing to the kids so do some deep thinking about the significant impact they will have on your life before you jump into the deep end of the pool.

 

[PintoBean]

When PS friends send you the best baked goods in the world! It figures that people with good taste in bling have good taste in pineapple cakes!!!!!!
@mochiko42

 

[Dee*Jay]

Junebug, "complicated" is exactly the right word!

Cozy, thanks cozy; will keep everyone posted...

Callie, thank you for reminding me about my Little Sister and that the whole kid thing is not completely foreign to me!

Beanie, LOL! Maybe I should take the kids to Super Dawg!!!

azstonie, thank you for the practical advice. And definitely going to avoid the TMI with the kids.

Red, my sense of humor gets me through most things... I hoping it will work here too... !

Matata, #2 is SO right. I've experienced this a bit already and it definitely requires an adjustment in attitude.

I just had the first sighting! The little one came down to get the dogs to take back to bed with him. I said "Hi," he waved and went back upstairs, canines in tow.

So far, so good...

 

[missy]

@Dee*Jay GOOD LUCK!!!! How can they not Love you? Just be you with them. Which I know you will be. Be real, be genuine, be Dee*licious which is what you are so have fun with it. And yeah, As @Matata points out you will always be second with the kids in the picture but they will become adults and move away so there's that. If what you and TR have is real and lasts the kids are not a deal breaker. So I hope you have fun today and that meeting them is a pleasant surprise and that they grow to love you because there is nothing not to love. Hugs and enjoy!

 

[Matata]

Matata, #2 is SO right. I've experienced this a bit already and it definitely requires an adjustment in attitude.

It may require a lifestyle adjustment too. Keep communication lines open and honest with TR and determine where you are and aren't willing to compromise when it comes to the kids. DH's boys were 7 and 11 when we met. I didn't meet the kids until I was fairly certain that the relationship was worth a long-term investment. He had them every weekend. We both had stressful jobs. I would do a few things on weekends with the kids and then go out with friends or relax at home. I moved in with DH about a year into the relationship and things got very real.

The kids were there from Friday night through Sunday afternoon and I could no longer go home to escape. We never did anything without them. If I went out with friends, the kids would whine and fret because they missed me. After another year of that, I told DH that I understood his wanting to spend as much time with the kids as possible because they grow up so fast and would eventually leave and be busy with their own lives BUT if he was unwilling to change things up a bit, I was leaving. I wanted one weekend a month for just us so we could go away, see an adult movie, eat some meals that didn't involve food fights, yanno, just chill for one weekend a month. He was reluctant and I was not willing to spend the next 6 years in the same rut so I prepared to leave and then he changed his mind. Our relationship grew stronger due to that one weekend of respite.

Just as the kids become entwined in your life, so will his ex. In my situation, neither of the parents wanted to be the bad cop. They would threaten discipline when the kids misbehaved but never followed through. I didn't put up with nonsense. I became the disciplinarian and in addition taught them table manners, taught them that soap is to be applied to all parts of the body during a shower and the goal was to smell fresh and not like a wet dog who rolled in something rotten, that if they didn't pick up their clothes off the floor, I'd throw them in the garbage (and I did and they had to explain to mom why she had to keep buying them new stuff). I set rules and limits, never made a promise I couldn't keep, always told them the truth and didn't care if they liked me or not. I expected the outcome would be negative for me but to my surprise, it was the opposite. The kids loved me and became more clingy. Their mom went through quite a period of angst where she felt threatened because the kids loved me and wanted to spend more time with me. I know she was relieved and grateful that I treated them well but I know she was also hurt to hear her kids come home yapping about how good a cook I was and how I said this and did that and why couldn't she. Her angst gradually passed but it is a scenario that probably crops up frequently when exes meet the person who may become the new spouse. To this day, during family events (she's still invited to weddings etc and is still considered a member of the extended family), I see the hurt in her eyes when her sons choose to spend more time with me than with her and it hurts me to see that. She and I get along quite well and have a good time together. She and DH work hard to be civil with each other.

Sorry for the "diary of matata". I know you're an awesome, intelligent woman who can determine what is best for you. Just wanted to share some experience from the trenches.

 

[Bonfire]

Everyone has their own unique set of circumstances. Don’t focus on preconceived notions or previous prejudices. Chart your own course Dee and you will figure out your way.

 

[TooPatient]

Had dark fog in my vision on and off yesterday. Woke up today with almost no vision in one eye. Just what I need with finals this week!

Saw my eye Dr. He did half a dozen different tests. All physically okay from shape to cornea to retina. Measurably worse than in December. He is referring me to an opthalogical neurologist. Hoping this is just a minor thing.

 

[junebug17]

Had dark fog in my vision on and off yesterday. Woke up today with almost no vision in one eye. Just what I need with finals this week!

Saw my eye Dr. He did half a dozen different tests. All physically okay from shape to cornea to retina. Measurably worse than in December. He is referring me to an opthalogical neurologist. Hoping this is just a minor thing.

Oh TP I'm so sorry to read this, I hope the neurologist can figure out what's going on and it's nothing serious. (((Hugs)))

 

[missy]

Had dark fog in my vision on and off yesterday. Woke up today with almost no vision in one eye. Just what I need with finals this week!

Saw my eye Dr. He did half a dozen different tests. All physically okay from shape to cornea to retina. Measurably worse than in December. He is referring me to an opthalogical neurologist. Hoping this is just a minor thing.

Oh TP I'm so sorry to read this, I hope the neurologist can figure out what's going on and it's nothing serious. (((Hugs)))

@TooPatient, I'm sorry and please don't hesitate to contact me if I can be of any help. Sending you good wishes and good thoughts and hoping it is nothing serious. (((Hugs)))

 

[AGBF]

Had dark fog in my vision on and off yesterday. Woke up today with almost no vision in one eye. Just what I need with finals this week!

Saw my eye Dr. He did half a dozen different tests. All physically okay from shape to cornea to retina. Measurably worse than in December. He is referring me to an opthalogical neurologist. Hoping this is just a minor thing.

Please keep us informed. I am so sorry.

 

[TooPatient]

@TooPatient, I'm sorry and please don't hesitate to contact me if I can be of any help. Sending you good wishes and good thoughts and hoping it is nothing serious. (((Hugs)))

Thank you! I am still shocked by the whole thing and don't even know where to start. I've always had a lazy eye and it was never treated because my mom got told to do one thing by one doctor and told by another that doing that would cause permanent loss of vision. This eye has always been very poor vision. I just didn't expect to wake up not seeing much (and lose more through the day).

 

[MollyMalone]

No wonder you are rattled, @TooPatient -- I hope you are able to get peace of mind from MD's very soon!

 

[Dee*Jay]

I survived!!! The kids survived! The dogs survived! The house survived!

WHEW!!!

The younger one is a chatter and we had an ongoing talk the whole time, including when we took the dogs for a big walk. The older one didn't engage much until we all sat down to have pizza for lunch, but that was OK and I let him take the lead and didn't force myself on him. Eventually we all ended up in the family room and the boys showed me the tricks they'd taught the dogs. It was general child and animal mayhem that involved liver treats and lots of ignored commands, LOL. The day was cut shorter than the 4/5 pm end time that was originally planned because they boys got invited on a play date starting at 1 and I just left after dropped them off because TR could pick them up when he got back. We talked about school stuff while I was driving them over there. Book reports, and long division, and school plays... Oh my! I called TR after leaving them at their friends' and gave him the run down. He was very surprised that the older one had told me all the things we talked about because I guess he doesn't engage with people very much. And TR also got excited because when he picked the kids up the older on said, completely unsolicited, that I was "a pretty good babysitter," and the younger one agreed. So I will take that as the highest form of compliment!

Bonfire and Missy, thank you for your continued support. I was a bit of a wreck going in but I think it turned out OK.

And Matata, you are amazing -- I REALLY appreciate all that info. Especially about the ex because that is indeed another minefield I will need to navigate. TR's schedule with the kids is Wed, Thrs, Fri and every other Sat, which has been a challenge so far too because of my work and travel schedule, and there have been things already that we haven't done together. I see that we will have to work on that a bit more. As for the discipline... that will be another challenge. TR is (by his own admission) very lenient with the kids and I can see that may become a sticking point. I will do my best though to feel my way carefully with that one. Ugh. So much new uncharted stuff here!

TP, how is your eye this morning? Hoping you are doing much better!

 

[Bonfire]

Great success DJ!! I’m glad you were pleasantly surprised, yay!

 

[junebug17]

Dee, thanks for the update, I was wondering how it all went, and so glad to hear things went really well (and that everyone survived lol!) Honestly, I'm not surprised, you are just such a nice person, how could they not like you? Sending good thoughts and support as you and TR move forward!

 

[redwood66]

@Dee*Jay I am so happy to hear it went well! What a great first encounter.

TP I hope you are doing better today.

 

[missy]

@TooPatient don’t hesitate if there’s anything I can help you with especially after you see the specialist. . I asked pinto to share my mobile with you.

@Dee*Jay glad you all survived and that the eldest complimented your caring skills to TR. And that the younger one wholeheartedly agreed. woohoo!! They’re in love already as I knew they would be.

 

[Matata]

And Matata, you are amazing -- I REALLY appreciate all that info. Especially about the ex because that is indeed another minefield I will need to navigate. TR's schedule with the kids is Wed, Thrs, Fri and every other Sat, which has been a challenge so far too because of my work and travel schedule, and there have been things already that we haven't done together. I see that we will have to work on that a bit more. As for the discipline... that will be another challenge. TR is (by his own admission) very lenient with the kids and I can see that may become a sticking point. I will do my best though to feel my way carefully with that one. Ugh. So much new uncharted stuff here!

Happy to hear all survived without the need for bandaids, intravenous alcohol, and psych counseling Dee*Jay if the man is worth the trouble, don't let anything the kids or ex does frighten you away. I'm not going to sugar coat anything...you know that. It won't be smooth sailing all the time, the bumps in the road may seem insurmountable at times, you may need to take a break from the relationship now and then. Only you can determine if it turns into a love that is meant to last and worth the compromises you'll need to make.

I didn't want kids either, had no idea what to do with 2 boys other than my natural instinct which was to drown them in the bathtub, and I felt like I was walking down a road paved of glass shards and rusty nails set on fire. The kids, the ex, Alan's baggage as well as mine is why we had a 10 year trial run before we got married. He was ready long before I was but there were things I wouldn't compromise on when it came to the kids, ex, and my needs. I had to be absolutely sure that my 2nd marriage was for keeps and that all of our demons were out of the closet slayed or tamed. By the time I agreed to get married, the kids were adults, the ex was remarried, and we all managed to survive each other without lasting harm.

I hope things work out for you the way you want them to. Luv ya.

 

[PintoBean]

I ate two bagels and I think I fractured my pre molar really badly. I already had a bagel induced micro fracture that was filled and bonded since I'm in the middle of Invisalign. Now the tooth feels more sensitive and I can feel a vertical line down the back of the tooth with my tongue and fingernail. I don't want a crown. Crowns are for my head.

I don't know what theycan do Bc I have 4 'ore trays left and changing the shape of my tooth requires new molds. I'm hoping we just do more bonding and filling and in a couple months a better solution is inplemented

I'm also very cranky Bc I woke up last night at 845pm and never fell asleep again, hence a 745AM bagel run. I have another Half hour of cooking my $24 corned beef on sale for $6 the day after st pattys