Am I ungrateful?

[Gussie]

Chiming in again. He sounds a lot like my dh. Best husband and father in the world but saw no value in jewelry at all. His parents are the same way. We were in grad school when we married so I never gave jewelry much thought. Kids and life happened and I was happy with the 1.2 ct diamond my mother gave to my husband for me. After finances got better better I decided to upgrade last year (married 16 years). It took a conversation about how important it was to me. I understand that he didn't really value it but I did. It was no different than him owning things that I didn't value, of which there are plenty which I didn't point out - he already knew it! In the end, I have upgraded twice and am over the moon with my new ring. He sees the value now that I am so happy with it. Lol, he has even called it stunning a few times!!!

I think that if you have the money, now is the time to have the conversation. If you plan to have kids, they get expensive and the focus tends to fall toward homes, cars, savings, etc.

 

[msop04]

Hmmm, tell him even sitting in the garage they still cost money ie servicing, registration and insurance.
Plus they need a garage to sit in (another expense - your finger is free to use)
And unlike a diamond which doesn’t depreciate “per wear” every mile he drives makes it value drop and other expenses increase!
And finally, does he buy a coffee each day, say $4?
If yes, aren’t you worth at least that a day?
Yes.
Congratulations, $4 x 5 days a week, x 52 weeks a year x 30 years marriage is $31,200.
Woo hoo - next question !

I cannot love this enough. That's an awesome way to bring it up to your SO!

 

[arkieb1]

Here is my man analogy to give him, say you went out and bought him a cheap cost effective version ie the cheap made in where ever model of one of his cars that is nothing actually like one of his cars, pick a model that is cheap and nasty that cost half to less of the price of one of his cars. Ask him how he would feel about you doing that. Now tell him that is how you feel about his budget views on your ring. Tell him to reflect on that. Tell him that to you a ring is emotionally and sentimentally worth more than any one of his cars.

If he still doesn't get it, give up and upgrade yourself and just tell him he doesn't have a choice or find a new guy because I'm old and cynical and a good marriage is about successfully negotiating stuff like this so that everyone is happy.

 

[iheartrice]

Thanks for all of your input ladies and gents!!! I’m beyond grateful for your help to a internet stranger!

To answer some of the questions in previous replies. We are one of the first ones to get married among our friend circle. We are actually the first one to get a mined diamond. One friend got a green tourmaline e-ring. Two others got MMDs from brilliant earth: 1.5 ct and 1.7 ct. These MMD rings were around 10k.

We both work in tech, which means both of us have very few female colleagues. Most of them seem to be wearing modest rings except some of the female managers.

Like some of you have guessed, he thinks diamond is a marketing scam, and he actually asked me if I want a sapphire or ruby ring when we first talked about getting engaged because “ruby and sapphire are actually rare gems”. I told him that I want a diamond and other gems are not an option. That’s probably why he’s so reluctant to further raise the budget.

I definitely appreciate the fact that he doubled his initial budget, and that he did his research on 4Cs and got me a super ideal cut diamond. Me asking for a bigger ring can come off as what he worked hard to get me is not good enough. I should’ve insisted on getting what I truely wanted from the beginning, instead of making a compromise that I can’t stick with.

We have an amazing relationship, and I can’t wait to spend the rest of our lives together. We’ve never had a problem with our spending habits and financial decisions before. He’s more frugal than I am in general but he’s normally not against treating ourselves occasionally.

Last night before bed, I jokingly ask him if I can upgrade my ring yet, he suggested 10th anniversary because “people normally upgrade on big anniversaries”. I CAN NOT wait for 10 years!!!! I need to talk to him soon about how I truely feel. I’m thinking about working the angle of I know he doesn’t believe in the value of diamond ring, but it’s something very important to me and I want him to be supportive.

 

[AprilBaby]

Any of us here got engaged with a half ct or less and then upgraded down the road. Enjoy your 1.3 and upgrade for an anniversary. It will give you something to look forward too and you have a great upgrade policy!

 

[tyty333]

I’m thinking about working the angle of I know he doesn’t believe in the value of diamond ring, but it’s something very important to me and I want him to be supportive.

Supportive might be hard to reach. Just hope for ok with it and you might get there sooner than you think! Any big birthdays coming up for you in
the first few years of marriage? That may also be a good time to request and upgrade.

 

[Matthews1127]

My DH has no concept of jewelry or diamonds.
When he started his search, it didn’t take him long to enlist my help, as he was CLUELESS.
I gave him a specific cut: Emerald Cut. I left a trail of breadcrumbs for the setting. I met with our local jeweler, alone, found an inspiration piece (if not THE setting) for the style I liked, and they kept all of our information, along with the details of the setting in a book.
We never discussed budget; we are a blended family with large financial responsibilities: there are 6 children between us. Anything over $5k was a pipe dream. I refused him to spend that much for a diamond for me, so we did a LOT of searching, research & talking. He did a lot of sweating in the process....lol!!
My dream preferences are 3+ct VVS, D-F EC. Yeah...THAT was NEVER happening with a mortgage, and six kids.
My circle of friends & colleagues have smaller diamonds (.40-under 1ct). Even my boss sports a smaller center stone than I do. Compared to the MAJORITY of the people in my geographic area, my diamond is above average size-considerably.
I was willing to wear a white sapphire (for size), until we could find a diamond to replace it, later in life, and just build a setting around the stone. He refused; only a diamond would satisfy him.
We were fortunate to have opportunity to examine 2 EC’s of similar color and clarity, side by side, of two different ct wt: 0.70 v. 1.07. It REALLY helped him make his decision, once he saw them side by side, and against the setting I had selected as a preference, prior. The 1.07ct won hands down. We had even better fortune when we learned the price difference was minimal, and the larger diamond still came in under $4,000!
Once we established we had found MY EC, the rest was up to him. I didn’t really care much about the setting, as long as the center EC was perfect, and reasonably priced. Mission accomplished.
Before we got married, I expressed my desire to create a bespoke piece of my very own, that represents our family & our marriage. He has no concept of my love & appreciation for these tiny rocks, but he agreed to support this endeavor because he knew it meant something to me. I promised him a cabin in the woods, and a boat (his childhood dream) for diamonds (my lifelong dream).
He has kept his promise, and we are working on making my promise kept. In December, he purchased my dream Asschers from Yoram at GemConcepts. He will be present during each phase of creating this band, in spite of having no real understanding of anything pertaining to this project.
As ignorant as he is about jewelry, he swells with pride, when he looks at my hand, and he hears how many compliments I receive on my set. A lot of thought & planning went into every aspect of each ring I wear (on both hands, now).
I don’t believe it’s that you’re ungrateful; but rather you feel as though you were not heard, and silenced into submission to accept something, rather than simply agreeing to it. I’m sorry if that is offensive, but THAT is exactly the way I view your situation. If you had truly AGREED to it, you wouldn’t feel so much about this, and you wouldn’t still be left WANTING.
Am I wearing a ring that’s 3+ctDVVS?? Hell no! But I love it with all my heart because WE agreed to what is on my hand. We barely hit over the six figure income COMBINED, and yet, I have bigger and more diamonds on my hands than anyone else I know. I love my 1.07ct EC because HE loves it, too. He knew how important this process was to me, and he has reaped the benefits in leaps & bounds by watching my face light up, every day, while I stare at my hand(s). Would I trade my 1.07ct EC for a larger EC? No. Would I take advantage of the opportunity to purchase a larger EC, later, and KEEP my 1.07ct EC? You bet your ass! And I know DH would bend over backwards to give it to me, as long as our budget would allow.
Compromise is not being forced to accept something, when you really don’t agree. I set our budget, not DH. Had we NOT had 6 kids, and other financial responsibilities, and a combined income of $200K, you better believe the diamond budget would have afforded me the 3+ctDVVS EC of my dreams, and my man would have his boat, his cabin, and the sports car of his dreams. We support each other, no matter what. Your SO needs to be more supportive, esp since he can afford to be.
If this is how he believes relationships work, now, you’re in for a whole new world of issues, after you get married. I agree that you should accept the current ring. However, you need to be very clear that you intend to upgrade this diamond because you appeased him, rather than agreeing with him. He needs to know that you don’t NEED him; you WANT him. My husband fell in love with me because I am independent, and self-reliant. He knows I don’t NEED him. I CHOSE him. I was a single mother of 2, when we connected. I held that title or 13 years before he came into our lives. The house we live in is MINE. He had just separated from his ex-wife & had only what fit into a hamper & a blanket...lol! He makes triple what I make a year. He gave his ex everything for the kids: the house, the car....everything. He started fresh with me. I’ve earned my diamonds...and I waited half of my life-expectancy for them.
Communication is key. Not only do you have to be appreciative of him, what he wants, and for what he gives you, but he, too, must appreciate what you want, and you, as an independent woman.

 

[iheartrice]

Supportive might be hard to reach. Just hope for ok with it and you might get there sooner than you think! Any big birthdays coming up for you in
the first few years of marriage? That may also be a good time to request and upgrade.

I’m turning 30 next year!! But we won’t be married by then. Thinking about getting married in 2020.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I’m turning 30 next year!! But we won’t be married by then. Thinking about getting married in 2020.

Well, heck, in that case, get the 2 ct upgrade for the first anniversary of your engagement. Seriously.

 

[Matthews1127]

Well, heck, in that case, get the 2 ct upgrade for the first anniversary of your engagement. Seriously.

BANG!

 

[telephone89]

Last night before bed, I jokingly ask him if I can upgrade my ring yet, he suggested 10th anniversary because “people normally upgrade on big anniversaries”. I CAN NOT wait for 10 years!!!! I need to talk to him soon about how I truely feel. I’m thinking about working the angle of I know he doesn’t believe in the value of diamond ring, but it’s something very important to me and I want him to be supportive.

While I definitely don't agree with him (I think your offer to put your own money in to get what you really wanted is the ideal scenario!), I think you are being pretty dramatic about this. You aren't even married yet but you can't wait for an extra mm? I get this is a diamond forum and probably a less popular opinion - but it is only a ring. You'll already have a great size and cut, and its a luxury item. No one dies without it, you are just as engaged with a 0.3ct as a 3ct (and eventually just as married).
Also, I think your hinting and joking is immature and not conducive to good communication. If you want to say something say it! If you want to ask it, ask it. Don't beat around the bush and expect him to know what you want and mean.

 

[Gussie]

I hardly think that criticizing her communication skills is helping her. Joking often leads to meaningful conversation and yet allows both parties to remain in a loving place.

 

[telephone89]

I hardly think that criticizing her communication skills is helping her. Joking often leads to meaningful conversation and yet allows both parties to remain in a loving place.

Or in this case it leads her to feeling hurt. Learning how to express what you want and need to your partner is a pretty important piece of marriage. Pretending something isn't important to you (joking) gets no one anywhere.

 

[Gussie]

Or in this case it leads her to feeling hurt. Learning how to express what you want and need to your partner is a pretty important piece of marriage. Pretending something isn't important to you (joking) gets no one anywhere.

Totally agree with this.

 

[doberman]

I hardly think that criticizing her communication skills is helping her. Joking often leads to meaningful conversation and yet allows both parties to remain in a loving place.

To the contrary, as someone who's been married for 32 years I can tell you that communication skills are crucial. Good ones can avoid a lot of arguments.

I understand his not wanting to spend over 10k on a pebble, which is why you offering him $ toward the stone is a great idea. But his pride was hurt. I say too bad, it's 2018. We need to get away from this man-centric point of view where engagement rings are concerned. He lets you help on the mortgage, electric bill, grocery shopping etc. Really, what's so different about a ring?

 

[MissyBeaucoup]

Hi, I<3rice,
First, congratulations on your engagement and meeting the man of your dreams, and on being financially well set at a young age.

I don’t think you are being ungrateful. I think you are dealing with normal communication issues in a relationship. You are upset because you agreed to a compromise that wasn’t what you really wanted. You might have been a little bullied or overwhelmed, or maybe he was just being extra clueless. It sounds like neither his mom nor any of the techie females in his life have prepared him for this topic. My husband was also extremely clueless, despite being a genius in some areas. He thought the gold wedding ring and the engagement ring were the same thing. (!) I wanted a house and hopefully babies, and we are in the humanities so we were just lucky to have our student loans paid off. We put the money we could have spent toward a down payment on a house, and I didn’t explain the engagement ring thing until years later. It was not a priority for me. BTW, I live in a part of the country that is very traditional and not very affluent. Almost everyone gets a diamond even if it’s tiny. Yours would be considered handsomely big around here. (And other women might resent a woman who had a huge showoffy one, bigger than 2 ct, let’s say.)

Money issues and priorities are a big topic in a marriage. I think you need to talk about this before he proposes. He needs to upgrade it now, in my opinion, so you can have the joy of showing it off during your engagement, and so he can see and understand the meaning of such a lovely object. You have a right to your feelings, and PSers correct me if I’m wrong, but I think the woman gets to make the call on this, within reason. If you were outside your budget or taking away from future goals, that would be a problem. But that doesn’t seem to be the deal. He just wasn’t educated on jewelry. He didn’t get where you were coming from, and that was a communication breakdown. Work on that with compassion and good will. Be respectful and kind to him as the love of your life who also happens to be a big techie car loving doofus. Your marriage will be stronger for it.

 

[Matthews1127]

While I definitely don't agree with him (I think your offer to put your own money in to get what you really wanted is the ideal scenario!), I think you are being pretty dramatic about this. You aren't even married yet but you can't wait for an extra mm? I get this is a diamond forum and probably a less popular opinion - but it is only a ring. You'll already have a great size and cut, and its a luxury item. No one dies without it, you are just as engaged with a 0.3ct as a 3ct (and eventually just as married).
Also, I think your hinting and joking is immature and not conducive to good communication. If you want to say something say it! If you want to ask it, ask it. Don't beat around the bush and expect him to know what you want and mean.

I agree:
This is no longer about a diamond. This is more about where you fit into your relationship, and his understanding of your place in it.

 

[iheartrice]

Here is the update everyone:

I talked to BF! I told him that even though I love the ring he got me, I would really like to have a bigger ring and I can pay for the upgrade. He initially didn’t take it very well because he put a lot work into the ring he got and he’s proud of it.

I had to explain why I felt like I had to give in to the 11k budget, but now I know I would be much happier with a bigger ring. I even used the car analogy you guys suggested! At the end, he agreed to let me pay for the upgrade!

 

[Gussie]

So excited for you! He will be happy seeing your joy!

 

[soxfan]

Here is the update everyone:

I talked to BF! I told him that even though I love the ring he got me, I would really like to have a bigger ring and I can pay for the upgrade. He initially didn’t take it very well because he put a lot work into the ring he got and he’s proud of it.

I had to explain why I felt like I had to give in to the 11k budget, but now I know I would be much happier with a bigger ring. I even used the car analogy you guys suggested! At the end, he agreed to let me pay for the upgrade!

That's great!!!!!

 

[Matthews1127]

This is a great new beginning! Communication and mutual respect are key in any relationship! Good for you!!!

 

[Matthews1127]

Here is the update everyone:

I talked to BF! I told him that even though I love the ring he got me, I would really like to have a bigger ring and I can pay for the upgrade. He initially didn’t take it very well because he put a lot work into the ring he got and he’s proud of it.

I had to explain why I felt like I had to give in to the 11k budget, but now I know I would be much happier with a bigger ring. I even used the car analogy you guys suggested! At the end, he agreed to let me pay for the upgrade!

To update you, from another “clueless about diamonds” man’s perspective, I actually posed this situation to my DH (this has troubled me all day). We took the kids to Lake Erie, on Presque Isle for Memorial Day. All I’ve done, while bathing in the sun, next to my DH, is think about you.
I asked him to consider the scenario, if he & I were in our late 20’s, both independently financially stable, with no children, etc.; your exact scenario. Then I asked, “If our combined incomes were $200K or more, would you have cared how much my ER cost?” He said, “Nope. If we had that kind of money, $30K is a tax write off, and I’d be OK spending that, or more on your ER, as long as it didn’t interfere with any other financial obligations we had.” Then I asked him if he’d allow ME to stretch HIS budget, if he had limited his budget to a certain range, with some of my money, if it meant that by stretching it, WE could buy me my dream ER. He said, “Sure. We’ve always done for each other. That’s nothing new.”
Keep in mind, my DH is a blue collar man; Union Highway Construction Superintendent. He’s quite intelligent, but he’s no Einstein! You don’t have to be a genius to understand “happy wife, happy life”...lol!!
If you love diamonds as much as the rest of us, here, in this community, this ER is only the beginning. You should warn him, now, and prepare him for the future...lol!! It only took my DH a few weeks to catch on...lol! My favorite catch phrase out of his mouth is, “Whatever you want, Dear.”

 

[alpha238]

I’m so glad you had this conversation with BF now before you got the ring. It sounds like he finally understood how important having the ring of your dreams is to you.

 

[Elizabeth35]

Great! And just think--you got over this hurdle!
You now have reduced stress and no resentment which will translate into a happier relationship! Yay!

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

You make 6 figures, I would save my money over time and eventually fund my own upgrade. If he's sentimental over the original stone it can become an amazing pendant. A lot can change over time, I honestly wouldn't stress it a ton right now, especially not since you have the means to eventually buy what you want yourself.

 

[anne_h]

So glad you two agreed on you funding the upgrade so you can have your dream ring. Totally agree with some of the others that you both need to be happy. Congrats!!

PS - I work in tech too. Am usually the only one around who loves jewelry. I am totally comfortable spending on pieces within my 'fun money' budget. IMO it's important to enjoy the fruits of one's labor.

 

[arkieb1]

If he still seems unhappy about it all you can also add that your diamond over a longish period of time will devalue way less than the average car unless the car is something rare and collectable. I'm sorry if I seem insensitive in my previous comments but life is short, if you can afford it from the outset of your marriage do what makes you happy, explaining it from the point of view that it means something important emotionally and sentimentally to you I think hopefully will help him see over time it's not about devaluing his efforts, (in fact praise him on what a wonderful job he did finding the first stone and ask if he would like to help find another) it's simply about making you happy.

 

[foxinsox]

Here is the update everyone:

I talked to BF! I told him that even though I love the ring he got me, I would really like to have a bigger ring and I can pay for the upgrade. He initially didn’t take it very well because he put a lot work into the ring he got and he’s proud of it.

I had to explain why I felt like I had to give in to the 11k budget, but now I know I would be much happier with a bigger ring. I even used the car analogy you guys suggested! At the end, he agreed to let me pay for the upgrade!

That's really great that you were able to talk to him about what is important to you and that it doesn't always have to be what's important to him for it to matter. How did you address his feelings about the ring he's bought you already?

 

[mary poppins]

Congratulations on communicating with your BF and coming to a new agreement. You said he got a super ideal cut diamond which is great. You didn't mention color. If you want to make him happy by keeping within or close to his budget, or at least not crazy blowing it, and still getting the size you want you can consider staying with super ideal or ideal cut and going down in color as either of those fabulous RB cuts should face up white even at an average and somewhat lower color. Maybe you can both get what you want that way.

 

[PintoBean]

I haven't read the responses.

All I can say is:
1) do you. Life's too short.
2) (while being true to yourself there's also your partner in your life... ) so communicate with your partner
3) set a plan in motion. If a different size stone isn't in the cards for tomorrow, set a milestone for an upgrade. Whether it's a sprint or a marathon, the finish line is the finish line.