Am I ungrateful?

[missy]

My apologies for not reading the responses as I am running short on time this morning but wanted to share my thoughts with you.

Communication is the key to all successful relationships. Be it friendships or romantic relationships or family relationships. Successful relationships have one thing at the cornerstone. Communication.

Talk honestly about your feelings with your FI. He cannot read your mind. Tell him what you are thinking.

If an issue is important to you it should be important to him. No question about it. And vice versa.

You guys can figure it out. Make him understand how important it is to *you* and that you are willing to chip in and pay the extra amount to get the ring of your dreams.

Sending you good luck vibes and clear healthy communication dust for a successful resolution and also a happy healthy marriage.

 

[MissyBeaucoup]

So happy to hear your conversation with your fiancé went well! Kudos to you for explaining your feelings better and reaching a more joyous solution. Y’all are going to make a great team! Wishing you happiness always!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

YAY!!!!! He sounds like a great guy who just didn't understand! Direct communication is so important because most guys simply do NOT get hints. The ring is STILL from him and represents your commitment to marry! Now we can't wait to hear what you choose TOGETHER!!!! You can still not see it until he officially proposes!

 

[missy]

So pleased for you to read you’ve resolved this issue. Wishing you many more successful communications on all challenging and non challenging issues.

And can’t wait to see your beautiful new bling.

 

[luv2sparkle]

I am so happy for you that you were able to resolve this issue. Many of us here had similar issues when we first were engaged. If your fiancé is still skeptical, remind him that the upgrade you get now will like be less costly than an upgrade you do ten years from now. I upgraded in 2008 and the same upgrade now would cost about 10-12k more.

 

[mrs-b]

I have to say - and I apologize to anyone I may be about to offend - we see so many "he bought something that HE thinks is what I should have - now how do I tell him I don't like it" posts, I've reached the stage where I just want to grab these guys and say "Buddy. She doesn't like it. Deal with it." I mean, seriously, all this tip toeing around fragile egos when a man has made what is essentially a fashion choice for someone else to wear - something I think we can agree is NOT the strong suit of most men.

I used to be in the 'it's a gift - be grateful' camp - but now I think - it's a ring. A piece of jewelry. I's not your whole relationship you're talking about here. If he can't compromise on a piece of jewelry, wait till you tell him you want to go back to work while he's a stay at home dad, or you don't want to keep pumping your system full of hormones, so you want him to have a vasectomy, or maybe just that you've always wanted to see Paris in the springtime...by yourself. Married life is FULL of compromises - big ones. If he can't come to the party on a piece of jewelry, this is going to be a bumpy ride for him. And if you can't assert yourself enough to say "Sorry - with no intention to criticize and with all the love in the world - but - this is not the ring I want" - then you're going to have a tough time of it, too.

Remember, it's a ring. A piece of jewelry. A thing. Have what you want. Because there will be many, many times when you can't have what you want. This isn't one of those times. Refer to diamondseeker's post about a 2ct number and go with that. We see guys on here knocking themselves out to get their girl something they will love. Perhaps your boyfriend should come and read some of those threads, because he isn't trying yet.

ETA And I just read that this situation is already resolved. Good to hear! Now think about this veeeeeery carefully - and get the one you REALLY want!

 

[cmd2014]

I have to say - and I apologize to anyone I may be about to offend - we see so many "he bought something that HE thinks is what I should have - now how do I tell him I don't like it" posts, I've reached the stage where I just want to grab these guys and say "Buddy. She doesn't like it. Deal with it." I mean, seriously, all this tip toeing around fragile egos when a man has made what is essentially a fashion choice for someone else to wear - something I think we can agree is NOT the strong suit of most men.

I used to be in the 'it's a gift - be grateful' camp - but now I think - it's a ring. A piece of jewelry. I's not your whole relationship you're talking about here. If he can't compromise on a piece of jewelry, wait till you tell him you want to go back to work while he's a stay at home dad, or you don't want to keep pumping your system full of hormones, so you want him to have a vasectomy, or maybe just that you've always wanted to see Paris in the springtime...by yourself. Married life is FULL of compromises - big ones. If he can't come to the party on a piece of jewelry, this is going to be a bumpy ride for him. And if you can't assert yourself enough to say "Sorry - with no intention to criticize and with all the love in the world - but - this is not the ring I want" - then you're going to have a tough time of it, too.

Remember, it's a ring. A piece of jewelry. A thing. Have what you want. Because there will be many, many times when you can't have what you want. This isn't one of those times. Refer to diamondseeker's post about a 2ct number and go with that. We see guys on here knocking themselves out to get their girl something they will love. Perhaps your boyfriend should come and read some of those threads, because he isn't trying yet.

ETA And I just read that this situation is already resolved. Good to hear! Now think about this veeeeeery carefully - and get the one you REALLY want!

Oh Mrs. B., I laughed when I read this as it is so true! Although I do have to admit that my DH will bend over backwards to make me happy (on every front) EXCEPT for the stupid ring thing. Somehow this is the one thing that is sacred ground. The *symbol of his love*. The thing he is so sentimental about he writhes like I am stabbing him in the heart any time I even suggest that perhaps we talk about upgrading. He'll hear me out, he'll look at things online with me, he'll come with me to jewelry stores to try things on, and he'd help me do it if I really wanted to, but the whole idea of it wounds him terribly - he's just hugely sentimental about these things, whereas I am not. I have come to the conclusion that it is not worth hurting his feelings over. Because it's just a ring. But honestly, I agree with you. If you can't be honest about stuff and find a way to work it out (even if it means making compromises because you decide your partner's feelings are more important than getting exactly what you want), you're probably doomed.

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

Haha, this

Somehow this is the one thing that is sacred ground. The *symbol of his love*. The thing he is so sentimental about he writhes like I am stabbing him in the heart any time

Is my DH as well. Solution: no upgrade, but anniversary bling. I'm sure not complaining about getting to keep the original e-ring....

 

[msop04]

Here is the update everyone:

I talked to BF! I told him that even though I love the ring he got me, I would really like to have a bigger ring and I can pay for the upgrade. He initially didn’t take it very well because he put a lot work into the ring he got and he’s proud of it.

I had to explain why I felt like I had to give in to the 11k budget, but now I know I would be much happier with a bigger ring. I even used the car analogy you guys suggested! At the end, he agreed to let me pay for the upgrade!

Hell. Yes. *happy dance*

 

[Matthews1127]

Haha, this


Is my DH as well. Solution: no upgrade, but anniversary bling. I'm sure not complaining about getting to keep the original e-ring....

This is us. Which is why DH just adds to the set...lol!!
He knows I long for a larger diamond, down the road. He also knows, I’ll never trade my Uisce for something else. She stays in the family jewels.

 

[Maria D]

Yay! I am happy to hear your situation is resolved!

It's an inherent problem with diamond solitaire rings and the women who love them. What other thing is there that a woman cannot just go and buy (and wear) for herself? No matter how much she earns, it has to be a gift and specifically an engagement gift. What if a car loving guy could only have cars that his girlfriend not only could afford (because he's not allowed to contribute), but thought was a worthwhile investment? It sounds ludicrous because it is.

So I had no suggestions for you - just empathy. Enjoy your diamond search!

 

[BlingDreams]

Yay! Very happy that you were able to have an open discussion about it and come to a resolution you both were okay with. Can’t wait to see what you choose!!

 

[december-fire]

@iheartrice ,

I'm so glad you talked to him and will be getting a diamond that you love!

I understand why you agreed to his revised budget of $11K, but hope that this has been a great learning experience about knowing when to compromise and when not to compromise.
The two of you can afford to spend a lot more than $11K on a diamond, so there is no financial reason for you to wear a diamond that is smaller than what you really want.

Please ensure that you get the diamond you really want and can afford.
Get the colour and clarity that makes you happy.
Get the size that makes you happy - extremely happy.
Remember that diamonds shrink with time, so don't hold back from getting the size that you love.

Congratulations on:
- speaking to your BF,
- recognizing that your happiness is important, and
- the financial accomplishments you and your BF have achieved.

 

[december-fire]

I have to say - and I apologize to anyone I may be about to offend - we see so many "he bought something that HE thinks is what I should have - now how do I tell him I don't like it" posts, I've reached the stage where I just want to grab these guys and say "Buddy. She doesn't like it. Deal with it." I mean, seriously, all this tip toeing around fragile egos when a man has made what is essentially a fashion choice for someone else to wear - something I think we can agree is NOT the strong suit of most men.

I used to be in the 'it's a gift - be grateful' camp - but now I think - it's a ring. A piece of jewelry. I's not your whole relationship you're talking about here. If he can't compromise on a piece of jewelry, wait till you tell him you want to go back to work while he's a stay at home dad, or you don't want to keep pumping your system full of hormones, so you want him to have a vasectomy, or maybe just that you've always wanted to see Paris in the springtime...by yourself. Married life is FULL of compromises - big ones. If he can't come to the party on a piece of jewelry, this is going to be a bumpy ride for him. And if you can't assert yourself enough to say "Sorry - with no intention to criticize and with all the love in the world - but - this is not the ring I want" - then you're going to have a tough time of it, too.

Remember, it's a ring. A piece of jewelry. A thing. Have what you want. Because there will be many, many times when you can't have what you want. This isn't one of those times. Refer to diamondseeker's post about a 2ct number and go with that. We see guys on here knocking themselves out to get their girl something they will love. Perhaps your boyfriend should come and read some of those threads, because he isn't trying yet.

ETA And I just read that this situation is already resolved. Good to hear! Now think about this veeeeeery carefully - and get the one you REALLY want!

I love you, mrs-b.

 

[december-fire]

Yay! I am happy to hear your situation is resolved!

It's an inherent problem with diamond solitaire rings and the women who love them. What other thing is there that a woman cannot just go and buy (and wear) for herself? No matter how much she earns, it has to be a gift and specifically an engagement gift. What if a car loving guy could only have cars that his girlfriend not only could afford (because he's not allowed to contribute), but thought was a worthwhile investment? It sounds ludicrous because it is.

So I had no suggestions for you - just empathy. Enjoy your diamond search!

We can vote, drive, work outside the home but we must wear whatever a man puts on 'that' finger.
And we darn well better smile, gush and be grateful.

What a lot of nonsense.

A single woman wants a diamond solitaire without getting engaged!
Well, lock her up until she starts to behave in a rationale manner.

 

[peanutandfranklin]

Thanks again everyone for your support!!! Pricescope is such a wonderful community!

I once tried on a 2 carat ring, and thought it looked way too big on my size 5 finger. For now I'm going to look for something ~1.7 carat G/H VS2/SI1. This size feels substantial but not overly big for me. Maybe one day DDS is gonna happen and I would want a 2 ct ring!

 

[Gussie]

I have to say - and I apologize to anyone I may be about to offend - we see so many "he bought something that HE thinks is what I should have - now how do I tell him I don't like it" posts, I've reached the stage where I just want to grab these guys and say "Buddy. She doesn't like it. Deal with it." I mean, seriously, all this tip toeing around fragile egos when a man has made what is essentially a fashion choice for someone else to wear - something I think we can agree is NOT the strong suit of most men.

I used to be in the 'it's a gift - be grateful' camp - but now I think - it's a ring. A piece of jewelry. I's not your whole relationship you're talking about here. If he can't compromise on a piece of jewelry, wait till you tell him you want to go back to work while he's a stay at home dad, or you don't want to keep pumping your system full of hormones, so you want him to have a vasectomy, or maybe just that you've always wanted to see Paris in the springtime...by yourself. Married life is FULL of compromises - big ones. If he can't come to the party on a piece of jewelry, this is going to be a bumpy ride for him. And if you can't assert yourself enough to say "Sorry - with no intention to criticize and with all the love in the world - but - this is not the ring I want" - then you're going to have a tough time of it, too.

Remember, it's a ring. A piece of jewelry. A thing. Have what you want. Because there will be many, many times when you can't have what you want. This isn't one of those times. Refer to diamondseeker's post about a 2ct number and go with that. We see guys on here knocking themselves out to get their girl something they will love. Perhaps your boyfriend should come and read some of those threads, because he isn't trying yet.

ETA And I just read that this situation is already resolved. Good to hear! Now think about this veeeeeery carefully - and get the one you REALLY want!

I think I may have to make a trip to Boston. Between riding around in cars naked, speaking your matter-of-fact 21st century realism in such hysterical way, and your to die for jewelry collection, I really want to meet you!!!!! This made my day!

 

[Matthews1127]

I think I may have to make a trip to Boston. Between riding around in cars naked, speaking your matter-of-fact 21st century realism in such hysterical way, and your to die for jewelry collection, I really want to meet you!!!!! This made my day!

+1

 

[angeljosephy]

Thanks again everyone for your support!!! Pricescope is such a wonderful community!

I once tried on a 2 carat ring, and thought it looked way too big on my size 5 finger. For now I'm going to look for something ~1.7 carat G/H VS2/SI1. This size feels substantial but not overly big for me. Maybe one day DDS is gonna happen and I would want a 2 ct ring!

I must say, if you can, go for the 2 carat. I have a 1.5 carat on a size 3.75 finger and it's starting to look just a bit small after 4 months.

 

[Matthews1127]

@iheartrice,
Just to be clear, most, if not all of the women posting, here, are well over 30. We’ve been through things most people just would never understand or relate to. I’ve read some of the personal stories of those who have been willing to share, as far as their past experiences with relationships, marriages, and their current status in life. We’ve been around a block or two. I can assure you that every woman here wants to EMPOWER you, as a woman. You have support. Not just with the size of the diamond, but in learning to express yourself in your relationship. Your guy sounds like a good person, but at the same time, a little outdated in his ideas about women. Perhaps, it was just an interpretation we made from your original post. All of us want to see you succeed, and wish you a happy life....with the diamond you love. Not just because, but because you asserted yourself, and earned it.
Congrats to you for expressing yourself, directly, and for being respectful of his feelings, and explaining your own. Men are not always the best communicators. It’s up to us to lead them, and help them to become better communicators. In doing so, we become even better communicators with our partners.
I can’t wait to see your ring!! This is all so exciting!!!

 

[tyty333]

That's great! So happy for the two of you! You're gaining good experience at a skill that will help carry your relationship through good and not
so good times...communications.

It's funny how everyone is different. I had a friend that was not happy with what her BF gave her (size wise) and he insisted she pay the
difference if she wanted something bigger. She was fine with that but I think there were some hurt feelings because he spent so little on
her e-ring compared to his income. He was another guy that didnt see the value of a bigger stone. Even what she upgraded to was still small
in my book (but lovely). I was glad she spoke up and got what she wanted.

 

[iheartrice]

@iheartrice,
Just to be clear, most, if not all of the women posting, here, are well over 30. We’ve been through things most people just would never understand or relate to. I’ve read some of the personal stories of those who have been willing to share, as far as their past experiences with relationships, marriages, and their current status in life. We’ve been around a block or two. I can assure you that every woman here wants to EMPOWER you, as a woman. You have support. Not just with the size of the diamond, but in learning to express yourself in your relationship. Your guy sounds like a good person, but at the same time, a little outdated in his ideas about women. Perhaps, it was just an interpretation we made from your original post. All of us want to see you succeed, and wish you a happy life....with the diamond you love. Not just because, but because you asserted yourself, and earned it.
Congrats to you for expressing yourself, directly, and for being respectful of his feelings, and explaining your own. Men are not always the best communicators. It’s up to us to lead them, and help them to become better communicators. In doing so, we become even better communicators with our partners.
I can’t wait to see your ring!! This is all so exciting!!!

Matthews1127, thank you for sharing your personal story and trying to help me understand my situation better! A lot of the replies in this post definitely made me think about my relationship with BF and if our disagreement on engagement ring could potentially be a red flag.

I'm now aware that my original post could make BF come off as old-school man with huge egos. I promise that is not the case! In real life I'm actually the more aggressive person, and a friend has once jokingly said I'm the one wearing the pants in the relationship (which actually annoyed me because I think we are in an equal and supportive relationship). We split housework and chores. Most days we cook and clean together, but he would cook for us if I was busy with work. And we've agreed that he would be the one getting vasectomy in the future because it's a lot less invasive for men.

I asked BF why he wasn't OK with me pitching in initially, and his answer is that he thought I wouldn't be happy if I had to pitch in. Of course I'd prefer him buying me a ring I want! But it's not the end of the world if I need to pitch in to get there. I think we are both happy with where we are regarding the e-ring now. Last night he actually asked me if I saw anything I like on WF's website.

Going through this process and reading comments from you guys definitely made me realize we should continue to work on our communications. Thanks everyone for reassuring me that I shouldn't be afraid to voice what I want! I was worried that I might come off being materialistic and demanding. I'm generally a pretty assertive person, but sometimes I'm not sure if my demands are reasonable haha

 

[HappyNewLife]

I totally understand how you're feeling, I'd feel the same way. However, I think he probably thought $11,000 is a lot of money, because... well, it kinda is, you know?

If it were me, I'd happily accept a beautiful WF ring and wear it for a while. Then, I'd have a talk with your fiancee and bring up the upgrade. You can pay for the upgrade with the budget you would have kicked in for the e-ring. You don't lose a single $1 with having gone with WF, it's a win-win!

 

[HappyNewLife]

Thanks again everyone for your support!!! Pricescope is such a wonderful community!

I once tried on a 2 carat ring, and thought it looked way too big on my size 5 finger. For now I'm going to look for something ~1.7 carat G/H VS2/SI1. This size feels substantial but not overly big for me. Maybe one day DDS is gonna happen and I would want a 2 ct ring!

Oops, I was late to the party. But, may I suggest dropping down to an I and going bigger? That 1.7 may look big to you now, but it will shrink overnight. Trust me.

This is what an I WF ACA looks like:

 

[Matthews1127]

Matthews1127, thank you for sharing your personal story and trying to help me understand my situation better! A lot of the replies in this post definitely made me think about my relationship with BF and if our disagreement on engagement ring could potentially be a red flag.

I'm now aware that my original post could make BF come off as old-school man with huge egos. I promise that is not the case! In real life I'm actually the more aggressive person, and a friend has once jokingly said I'm the one wearing the pants in the relationship (which actually annoyed me because I think we are in an equal and supportive relationship). We split housework and chores. Most days we cook and clean together, but he would cook for us if I was busy with work. And we've agreed that he would be the one getting vasectomy in the future because it's a lot less invasive for men.

I asked BF why he wasn't OK with me pitching in initially, and his answer is that he thought I wouldn't be happy if I had to pitch in. Of course I'd prefer him buying me a ring I want! But it's not the end of the world if I need to pitch in to get there. I think we are both happy with where we are regarding the e-ring now. Last night he actually asked me if I saw anything I like on WF's website.

Going through this process and reading comments from you guys definitely made me realize we should continue to work on our communications. Thanks everyone for reassuring me that I shouldn't be afraid to voice what I want! I was worried that I might come off being materialistic and demanding. I'm generally a pretty assertive person, but sometimes I'm not sure if my demands are reasonable haha

Understandable!! No one wants to be “that” girl. Trust me, when I tell you: you’re not! This isn’t just ANY piece of jewelry; this is THE piece of jewelry that represents your commitment to the man of your dreams. Kinda explains the high price tag.
I’m certainly glad you were able to take positive things away from this thread, and receive so much support from women from all over!
We’re really cheering for you!!