Am I ungrateful?

[iheartrice]

hello everyone!

I need some advice on how to handle my current situation regarding my engagement ring.

Background: BF and I are planning on getting engaged this year. We talked about it at the beginning of this year because we both believe engagement shouldn’t be a surprise. We picked out a ring together and proposal will be a surprise.

BF and I are in our late 20s. We are career driven and both make 6 figures. No student or car loans. We both own our own houses and our mortgages are reasonable percentage of our income. Because of our financial situation, I thought we will have a very healthy budget for the engagement ring.

We went to local jewelry stores to try on rings, and I found myself really liking ~1.75 carat RB diamond on my hand. We started seriously ring hunting, and had a conversation about the budget. That was when he told me that he was shocked how expensive diamond is, and his initial budget was 5K.

We had a few more conversations about it, and at the end we settled on a new budget of 11k, which could get me a decent size ring but not the one I truely wanted. I offered to pitch in to get a bigger ring. He said he wasn’t comfortable with me paying for part of my e-ring. I eventually gave up and went with the 11k budget because these conversations were starting to affect our relationship and I thought our relationship is more important then a ring.

Fast forward to now, I found myself constantly looking at WF’s website to see my potential upgrade options. Ironically I still haven’t been given my initial E-ring yet. I have seen the ring when BF received it. It’s a beautiful ring and a good size at 1.3 carat! But I can’t help thinking about wanting a bigger ring, and sometimes I get a little resentful of BF refusing to let me pitch in to get my dream ring. I’m aware that I have a first world problem. Honestly I’m not even sure if I’m just being ungrateful. I feel I should just be happy that BF got me a beautiful ring instead of focusing on the size. Earlier this week I had the urge to talk to BF about it, but I held back because I had previously agreed to the 11k budget. BF probably won’t be happy if I want to upgrade soon within the next couple years.

What should I do? How should I get over my negative feelings?

 

[Gussie]

I don't believe that you are ungrateful at all. I think that you need to have a honest conversation with your bf about it. The last thing you want is a resentment going into the marriage. This should be a happy time for you. Communication is key.

 

[BlingDreams]

First, you should know you’re probably going to get some split replies. There are those firmly in the camp of “take what you’re given and be appreciative” and others in the camp of “do the best you can to get what you want with open communication and respect” (which is where I fall).

That being said, this is definitely a tricky area. It’s not as though you’re saying you want X size and expect him to pay for it. I’d probably approach it as something like “I truly appreciate our prior conversations and your desire to stick to a certain budget for yourself. I completely respect that. However, that price range won’t allow reciprocal respect for the size of diamond I’d like. I don’t want you to pay for more, so I’d like to talk about a plan. I’m open to pitching in now to upgrade it or discuss a timeline when you’d be comfortable with us spending the upgrade money after we’re married. I love you, and this has nothing to do with how I feel for you. The ring is something that will be on my hand every day of my life and I’m sure we both want me to be 100% thrilled with it, just as I’ll want you to be 100% thrilled with whatever wedding band we choose for you.”

A lot would depend on your relationship, but that’s the fact I would probably take. Good luck!!

 

[Bron357]

It’s a tricky thing.
Firstly men does don’t seem to get the “importance” to a woman when it comes to her engagement ring.
While they will happily drop $50k or so on a motor car (worlds fastest depreciating asset AND it costs money to run, service, insure and register) most freak out at spending $10K on a diamond.
Most men require training. If you’re lucky their mum started their training (she had lovely jewellery and they saw that Dad was happy to oblige her) otherwise they have absolutely no idea or appreciation of jewellery.
So, ok.
The deed is done, the ring is bought. It’s too late to say anything, so love it and wear it with joy.
But plan for your upgrade!
That’s the honest truth of how most of us are sporting big beauties, we have upsized over the years. My mum is a classic, 5 upgrades! Starting at a modest 0.30 carat to a 4 carat honker today.
Don’t despair, slowly, slowly does it, you’ll get there in the end.

 

[Bonfire]

I agree with @ceg. I hope that after further discussion you and your BF can come to a compromise or middle ground. You have offered to help extend the budget. You mentioned that you are both in lucrative careers without other debt obligations. There is nothing wrong with contributing for your engagement ring. I think the two of you need to do more talking about it. Your engagement ring is important to you. HIS comfort is not the only emotion involved. This type of open dialogue is so important for a successful relationship. Good luck!

 

[MollyMalone]

A clarifying question: Can the ring be returned to the local jeweler for a worthwhile refund? I don't know how much time has passed since your fiancé purchased the ring or what the jeweler's return-refund policy is, but odds are that, at best, they would offer a credit-- and a credit at the local jeweler's shop can't be applied to a Whiteflash stone.

 

[iheartrice]

First, you should know you’re probably going to get some split replies. There are those firmly in the camp of “take what you’re given and be appreciative” and others in the camp of “do the best you can to get what you want with open communication and respect” (which is where I fall).

That being said, this is definitely a tricky area. It’s not as though you’re saying you want X size and expect him to pay for it. I’d probably approach it as something like “I truly appreciate our prior conversations and your desire to stick to a certain budget for yourself. I completely respect that. However, that price range won’t allow reciprocal respect for the size of diamond I’d like. I don’t want you to pay for more, so I’d like to talk about a plan. I’m open to pitching in now to upgrade it or discuss a timeline when you’d be comfortable with us spending the upgrade money after we’re married. I love you, and this has nothing to do with how I feel for you. The ring is something that will be on my hand every day of my life and I’m sure we both want me to be 100% thrilled with it, just as I’ll want you to be 100% thrilled with whatever wedding band we choose for you.”

A lot would depend on your relationship, but that’s the fact I would probably take. Good luck!!

Thanks! I definitely need to carefully plan what to say if we were going to have the conversation!

 

[iheartrice]

I don't believe that you are ungrateful at all. I think that you need to have a honest conversation with your bf about it. The last thing you want is a resentment going into the marriage. This should be a happy time for you. Communication is key.

I’m happy about where we are, but I would admit I’d be over the moon if he’s got the ring I really wanted! I agree communication is the key. I need to think about my approach if I was going to sit him down and have another conversation.

 

[iheartrice]

It’s a tricky thing.
Firstly men does don’t seem to get the “importance” to a woman when it comes to her engagement ring.
While they will happily drop $50k or so on a motor car (worlds fastest depreciating asset AND it costs money to run, service, insure and register) most freak out at spending $10K on a diamond.
Most men require training. If you’re lucky their mum started their training (she had lovely jewellery and they saw that Dad was happy to oblige her) otherwise they have absolutely no idea or appreciation of jewellery.
So, ok.
The deed is done, the ring is bought. It’s too late to say anything, so love it and wear it with joy.
But plan for your upgrade!
That’s the honest truth of how most of us are sporting big beauties, we have upsized over the years. My mum is a classic, 5 upgrades! Starting at a modest 0.30 carat to a 4 carat honker today.
Don’t despair, slowly, slowly does it, you’ll get there in the end.

Bron, the funny thing is that he has two fun cars and is constantly toying with the idea of getting a third one or upgrading one of his current cars. I actually brought this fact up during one of our coversations, and he argued that he could sell his cars anytime without much loss ( he bought his cars pre-owned at reasonable rate).
His mom doesn’t have many jewelry. She actually never even got a diamond ring from his dad

 

[iheartrice]

I agree with @ceg. I hope that after further discussion you and your BF can come to a compromise or middle ground. You have offered to help extend the budget. You mentioned that you are both in lucrative careers without other debt obligations. There is nothing wrong with contributing for your engagement ring. I think the two of you need to do more talking about it. Your engagement ring is important to you. HIS comfort is not the only emotion involved. This type of open dialogue is so important for a successful relationship. Good luck!

Bonfire, thanks for letting me know that what I want is important too. I wasn’t sure if I would be too materialistic if I keep pushing this topic. Which is the reason why I made this post haha.

 

[iheartrice]

A clarifying question: Can the ring be returned to the local jeweler for a worthwhile refund? I don't know how much time has passed since your fiancé purchased the ring or what the jeweler's return-refund policy is, but odds are that, at best, they would offer a credit-- and a credit at the local jeweler's shop can't be applied to a Whiteflash stone.

My appogies for the confusion. He bought the initial e-ring from WF. So technically we can “upgrade” anytime.

 

[TooPatient]

Good advice given on communication and all that. I'd suggest you consider wearing it awhile and see how it feels. I'm on my 3rd e-ring and 3rd set of w-bands... Been married 4 1/2 years. I liked the first. I truly loved the second. Now I love the third. Each was great until I wore it for a bit and wanted something different. Each so different that I needed new w-bands to go with!

Anyway, all that is to say that making sure he is on board with upgrades/changes over time may be better than an immediate change.

(Oh... And you can always have more than one ring! Plenty of other fingers plus the awesome option of wearing the one that suits what you want for the day...)

 

[nala]

You aren’t being ungrateful. This is one of many decisions you are going to make together as a couple. You are in a good position to make yourself happy. Do it.

 

[Laila619]

A 1.3 carat is a really nice size! Even if you were given a .50 carat, you should be happy to be marrying the love of your life and not so focused on the ring. $11k is a lot of money, but I realize it probably isn't to you. Just keep reminding yourself that the biggest gift of all is getting to marry your guy. Try to be excited about that and take your focus off the ring. At least see it and wear it for a few years before you start planning the upgrade. And congrats on the pending engagement!

 

[Bron357]

Bron, the funny thing is that he has two fun cars and is constantly toying with the idea of getting a third one or upgrading one of his current cars. I actually brought this fact up during one of our coversations, and he argued that he could sell his cars anytime without much loss ( he bought his cars pre-owned at reasonable rate).
His mom doesn’t have many jewelry. She actually never even got a diamond ring from his dad

Hmmm, tell him even sitting in the garage they still cost money ie servicing, registration and insurance.
Plus they need a garage to sit in (another expense - your finger is free to use)
And unlike a diamond which doesn’t depreciate “per wear” every mile he drives makes it value drop and other expenses increase!
And finally, does he buy a coffee each day, say $4?
If yes, aren’t you worth at least that a day?
Yes.
Congratulations, $4 x 5 days a week, x 52 weeks a year x 30 years marriage is $31,200.
Woo hoo - next question !

 

[Snowdrop13]

His mom doesn’t have many jewelry. She actually never even got a diamond ring from his dad

This is probably why he doesn’t get the importance for YOU of the diamond. What size of diamond do other women in your social circle wear? Will 1.3ct be similar? I’m just wondering if he’s looked around and decided on a size based on that.

You both sound very sensible with your finances and in a good place. It’s perfectly reasonable for you to contribute to buying the ring, after all, it is you who will be wearing it every day. I’d figure out a way to have that conversation again.

He has shown great taste buying from Whiteflash, though, a diamond from them will be gorgeous regardless of the size.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Tell him you want a bigger rock

or else you'll upgrade the BF. . If I had a $100K income I would be sporting a 4 ct ACA.

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

Good thing the ring is from whiteflash and an upgrade will be easy!! This takes most of the pressure out of the decision and you don't need to rush things.

I agree with many other posters, though, that this might be a good occasion to work on your communication skills as a couple.

While I am all for sticking to a financially responsible budget, your feelings regarding the ring matter most. Especially if you are both financially independent now and you'd like to chip in.
I wouldn't necessarily push the topic of the ring budget if you feel that this might cause tension right now.
However, it might be time to openly discuss finances before the wedding. It seems like you two have the hard facts ( income / spending/ home ownership) right. But in a marriage it's important to be on the same page regarding goals, spending habits and decisions. It's good to analyse one's own expectations and the the ones your partner might have, to be sure to be on the same page.

If he thinks that the ultimate decision about big purchases should always be his, for instance, it's something that I'd personally like to be aware of , because it isn't the way I see things.

 

[OoohShiny]

Hmmm, tell him even sitting in the garage they still cost money ie servicing, registration and insurance.
Plus they need a garage to sit in (another expense - your finger is free to use)
And unlike a diamond which doesn’t depreciate “per wear” every mile he drives makes it value drop and other expenses increase!
And finally, does he buy a coffee each day, say $4?
If yes, aren’t you worth at least that a day?
Yes.
Congratulations, $4 x 5 days a week, x 52 weeks a year x 30 years marriage is $31,200.
Woo hoo - next question !

That is some serious 'Man Maths' right there, Bron, good work!! LOL


To the OP:

Your other half probably resents the fact that these small shiny things cost so damn much, and he probably sees it just as a sunk cost that he'll never see again and therefore not an 'investment'. (You should ask him how expensive he thought diamonds were - perhaps it was more than he thought!) While it is true to say that damonds aren't an investment, more a 'store of value', he will be looking at it and enjoying the light show every day, but I don't think he appreciates that yet if it is just sitting in the box somwhere safe!

My budget was much smaller than many here on PS, and my preferences are unfortunately for higher colour and clarity, but fortunately my good lady is not keen on larger jewellery, so a 0.67ct Crafted by Infinity in a higher colour/clarity worked out just nicely Despite it's relatively diminuitive size relative to many on PriceScope, every day it throws off fire and sparkle that looks amazing, so I am pleased that I found PS and sourced an awesome cut, even if it's not as large as I would have liked to have got her, because I get to enjoy it every day too!


Just thinking, though... Rings should have their prongs checked annually, shouldn't they? Which is something that WF could do? (for continuity's sake ) I wonder how long it would take your BF to notice a step up in size after it came back from being away for a week... lol

 

[foxinsox]

Nothing much to add to what everyone else has said except you’re not being ungrateful for wanting input in what you wear to symbolise your commitment to him that also happens to be a pretty piece of jewellery that you want to have the right proportion on your hand.
In my opinion, if buying your engagement ring is a joint finance decision, then you should have equal say in how much you contribute to it imo.
1.3 is a lovely size but you want bigger and you can’t help wanting that. And you shouldn’t have to stop from wanting that if it’s not going to put you into debt or otherwise compromise your financial security.
He doesn’t have to value it the same way you do for it to be important to you.

 

[Austina]

I feel your pain, my DH doesn’t get the whole sparkly thing on your finger

I didn’t have an engagement ring because what I wanted and what I could have at the time we’re worlds apart.

You’re the one wearing it, you should be 100% happy with it.

I asked my DH how he’d feel in your situation about contributing to the ring, he said he’d have been fine with it (I wasn’t in a position to contribute at the time we got married).

 

[LJsapphire]

My DF said you're not ungrateful its just your BF didn't do his research properly. He should've known the cost before buying. You should LOVE what you have, you have to look at it every day.
I don't think there's anything wrong with contributing towards the one you love.

 

[tkyasx78]

You are not ungrateful.

 

[MollyMalone]

My appogies for the confusion. He bought the initial e-ring from WF. So technically we can “upgrade” anytime.

YAY, glad to hear that the complication I feared is not a concern.

 

[Elizabeth35]

Maybe he feels the discussion is over because you agreed to the $11K budget. He may be surprised if you tell him the ring he got you does not meet your expectations/wants. So yes, it is a delicate conversation and you are wise to think carefully about how to proceed.

If he is uncomfortable with you contributing to the cost of the ring---is there another wedding cost (maybe honeymoon) that you could pay for that would make him feel more comfortable raising the ring budget?
Could you offer to help him with his car budget as a trade-off? Maybe that would make him understand how important this is to you.


I agree with having a discussion now about not only the ring, but your post-marriage financial plans.
Also, discuss how he feels about future upgrades so you are both on the same page. Better to get it in the open and resolved.

 

[marymm]

You are not ungrateful.

But, I do agree wholeheartedly with kipari's post above re: communication. Per your disclosures here, you discussed and agreed to the compromise $11K budget, but you really didn't agree in your heart and it is eating away at you. Your BF ended up more than doubling his initial estimated budget so I don't think he is uncaring of your preferences, but perhaps you did not stand firm on your true hard line on this.

It is okay to tell him, this is extremely important to me, and I want one ring, from the very beginning, and I want to upgrade it now, before it is put on my finger. And, you can use his cars as a comparison - tell him, what if my thing was cars too, and I wanted 2 cars like you, and a garage and all the special stuff and maintenance stuff for 2 cars? And it will be a lifelong interest, like yours (BF), so count on additional investments in this hobby? And then tell him, no, my thing is this ring, and it is a keeper, and for me, it needs to be X size. I found the rock I want at WF, and this is the cost. Do you support me in this? Are we doing it together? Am I doing it alone?

If you can't have this kind of conversation, which admittedly is uncomfortable not only because you know he doesn't share your ring values, but he also thinks the two of you have had this discussion and already reached a compromise you both could live with... then decide to live with the ring in a contented fashion and make sure any future large decisions are more carefully entered into (i.e., don't agree to a compromise that you can't live with) and make your own compromise with yourself to have a special diamond ring for your first anniversary.

 

[doberman]

No, you're not ungrateful. I would be annoyed at him telling you that you can't chip in for a larger diamond. You can always do what a friend of mine did. She took her ring back and paid to upgrade the stone. Her husband never noticed lol.

Obviously I don't recommend that approach. But he's being foolishly stubborn here.

 

[cmd2014]

I can understand your BF not wanting you to contribute to the ring. It's a pride thing, and a tradition thing, and my DH would not have been ok with that either. And it's a difficult situation with what is technically a gift, as the giver is the one who needs to decide what they are comfortable with spending. Plus, if we are being honest, few people actually get the ring of their dreams (pricescopers excluded - as a group I think it's safe to say that people here tend to be extreme outliers when it comes to jewelry). Most either don't have the budget or if they do there are always other things that need prioritizing.

Are there other things that your BF is thinking about in terms of finances that is making him wary about increasing the budget beyond what you have already agreed to? Who is paying for the wedding? The honeymoon? Will this compromise other important financial goals? All good things to talk about.

IMO a 1.3 carat ring from WF is going to be stunning. It's way more ring than many will ever even dream of having. And hopefully you are marrying someone that you will be happy with over the course of your lives together. The ring is really not the most important thing here - the relationship is. In marriage, many times you will need to decide whether you want to be right, or if you want to be happy. Sometimes the hardest thing is knowing how to choose wisely on this front.

But I agree with others here. It sounds like the real issue is that you agreed to something that you didn't really agree to. Going forward you may want to make sure that whatever compromise you agree to make is one that you can actually live with - because otherwise it's not fair to the other person to 'agree' to something but not really be ok with it. It's a really fast way to build resentment and lose trust in a relationship. Maybe that's a way to approach it with him - tell him that you feel like you let go of something that was really important to you because you didn't want to upset him, but now that you've sat on it for a while, you realize that this is more important to you than you initially realized and you feel like you need to revisit the conversation with him. Be grateful for what he has generously agreed to budget (he did more than double his budget, and his budget wasn't really that small to begin with), and see if you can work it out.

 

[tyty333]

Wouldnt it be fun if he already upgraded it for you and that's why you havent gotten it yet! Ok, so probably not likely.

Enjoy the 1.3 for now and tell him that for your anniversary gift every year you're going to upgrade a quarter of a carat until
you get to the size you want. Then just do it (on your 1 year anniversary). Dont mention it...use your money and just do it.
Once you have upgraded it wont be such a big deal...

ok, so that's not very straight forward communications. I would try to communicate with him now that you have your heart set on your dream
size (someday if not sooner). It does take time for things to sink in. I'm currently working on DH for an OEC for our 20th anniversary which
is not for another year. I bring it up whenever our 20th anniversary comes up. My Mom upgraded on their 25th but they got married really
young. 20 is now the new 25!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I didn't read all the replies so I may be repeating others. But I think he is clueless. And if I were you and in that financial situation with owning two homes, him having an extra car, and over $200,000 in income, um, I'd be expecting an engagement ring budget of $25-30k and at least 2 cts. It's not like y'all are 22 and new college graduates with no house and beginning incomes. You need to have a talk with him for sure.

We have seen people here before upgrade their diamonds prior to the wedding, by the way.