WWYD if someone gave you a returnable gift that...

[chel180]

i think you should ask to return the item and pick something else. i would not mention its because of the quality etc. I would say that its because there is this "insert name of item" thats you've been wanting for years and would they mind buying you that instead.

I think if you keep the item you will never really wear or love it because you'll always wish it was something else. If this person loves you then they should understand you and accept your wishes.

 

[maebelle]

You are already getting some great advice, I just wanted to say that I both love your "new" screen name and your attitude here. It's ok to feel conflicted.

 

[LookintheMouth]

Phew. I've read everything and feel more conflicted than before. I think Rosetta is really on to something: preserving the future relationship, in this case, is absolutely the most important thing. Any course of action, however gently phrased, that risks the relationship, is simply an unacceptable outcome for me.

I know the giver plans to select another gift for me in the next couple weeks, so I definitely am trying to intervene on that. If I handle it correctly I admit that I am somewhat hoping that in that conversation the giver will offer to let me make the return, but should that fail, I think I will keep the gift as-is. If I never wear it again, that will just be what happens.

 

[Enerchi]

You have to do what you are comfortable with. You live with yourself and will have ongoing contact with the giver. Best to listen to your gut and see how things play out with the next gift... it just MIGHT lend itself to you getting this current gift 'adjusted'! Best of luck!!

 

[TravelingGal]

OK, my two cents:

If the giver is a family member or a friend, tell them. I'm sure a family member and friend would want you to WEAR such an expensive present, so I'd ask to do the exchange.

If the giver is a lover (since you said it wasn't your husband), then I'd also tell them unless s/he likes to just give you stuff for the hell of it. Especially since you may be showered with more gifts in the future, you might as well get what you like. Unless telling the lover will make him/her mad and cut off the presents and the relationship.

If the giver is simply a kind benefactor, send him/her my way.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I don't think you should tell the person that you don't like the gift because the diamonds are low quality...just wear the piece when you see the person. Being honest isn't always the best approach. You could really hurt the person's feelings by doing so.

If there is something you'd rather have, just save up for it and buy it on your own.

ETA - I don't think you're being ungrateful, but I have heard of those who have gotten expensive gifts, returned them and the givers of the gifts WERE offended and thought it was ungrateful of them. Try and put yourself in the other person's shoes!

 

[rosetta]

I don't think you should tell the person that you don't like the gift because the diamonds are low quality...just wear the piece when you see the person. Being honest isn't always the best approach. You could really hurt the person's feelings by doing so.

If there is something you'd rather have, just save up for it and buy it on your own.

ETA - I don't think you're being ungrateful, but I have heard of those who have gotten expensive gifts, returned them and the givers of the gifts WERE offended and thought it was ungrateful of them. Try and put yourself in the other person's shoes!

I agree actually. Unless you are absolutely sure the person won't take offence (or you don't actually care if they do) then I think returning the gift and preventing the impression that you are ungrateful, and snobbish about diamonds and maybe even think the giver is a bit foolish and ignorant (to have picked poor quality stones) is difficult to do!

I'm not a person who minds AT ALL if you return my gift, but you'll be surprised at how many people REALLY DO.

 

[TravelingGal]

I don't think you should tell the person that you don't like the gift because the diamonds are low quality...just wear the piece when you see the person. Being honest isn't always the best approach. You could really hurt the person's feelings by doing so.

If there is something you'd rather have, just save up for it and buy it on your own.

ETA - I don't think you're being ungrateful, but I have heard of those who have gotten expensive gifts, returned them and the givers of the gifts WERE offended and thought it was ungrateful of them. Try and put yourself in the other person's shoes![/quote]

I agree actually. Unless you are absolutely sure the person won't take offence (or you don't actually care if they do) then I think returning the gift and preventing the impression that you are ungrateful, and snobbish about diamonds and maybe even think the giver is a bit foolish and ignorant (to have picked poor quality stones) is difficult to do!

I'm not a person who minds AT ALL if you return my gift, but you'll be surprised at how many people REALLY DO.

Weyell, if I were in that person's shoes, I might be miffed if was a lesser priced gift, but if it was 7K-10K, I'd be even MORE pissed if the person who I had such a great relationship with (so much so that I would buy a 10K gift) wouldn't tell me and it would LANGUISH in a jewelry box.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I don't think you should tell the person that you don't like the gift because the diamonds are low quality...just wear the piece when you see the person. Being honest isn't always the best approach. You could really hurt the person's feelings by doing so.

If there is something you'd rather have, just save up for it and buy it on your own.

ETA - I don't think you're being ungrateful, but I have heard of those who have gotten expensive gifts, returned them and the givers of the gifts WERE offended and thought it was ungrateful of them. Try and put yourself in the other person's shoes![/quote]

I agree actually. Unless you are absolutely sure the person won't take offence (or you don't actually care if they do) then I think returning the gift and preventing the impression that you are ungrateful, and snobbish about diamonds and maybe even think the giver is a bit foolish and ignorant (to have picked poor quality stones) is difficult to do!

I'm not a person who minds AT ALL if you return my gift, but you'll be surprised at how many people REALLY DO.

Weyell, if I were in that person's shoes, I might be miffed if was a lesser priced gift, but if it was 7K-10K, I'd be even MORE pissed if the person who I had such a great relationship with (so much so that I would buy a 10K gift) wouldn't tell me and it would LANGUISH in a jewelry box.

Yeah, I can't even comprehend getting a gift of such high $$$$ from a family member so it's hard to put in perspective.

 

[crown1]

the key to this whole thing lies in the relationship. we don't know the dynamics of that relationship. it is hard to offer good advice without knowing more. i would hesitate to move to return it since you told them what you liked, and that you wanted to be involved in diamond purchases. maybe this is one of those things you need to not loupe and just enjoy. i think people want too much control of what others gift. feeling they were scammed or wanting to save them from making a purchase you won't use is beyond your control, unless this is someone who needs your protection in such matters.

did they ask if you liked it? did they say you could exchange or return it? those are things to consider.

 

[susief]

Depends entirely on the giver.

I would be HORRIFIED if someone kept a gift I gave them (especially a costly one) that they disliked, just for fear of offending me. I'd consider that a waste of my hard-earned money - and also be a little hurt that the receiver didn't feel they could be honest with me. Much better that they tell me within the return window and I can get something that they love. Ultimately I want my gift to make them happy.

Some people are more "thought that counts" about gifts, and would take it as a rejection if their gift was exchanged.

You know the giver best. What would they do in a similar situation? Go with that.

 

[Alexiszoe]

i think you should ask to return the item and pick something else. i would not mention its because of the quality etc. I would say that its because there is this "insert name of item" thats you've been wanting for years and would they mind buying you that instead.

I think if you keep the item you will never really wear or love it because you'll always wish it was something else. If this person loves you then they should understand you and accept your wishes.

this. Or you could say something along the lines of it's lovely but for whatever reason the color/style does not look good on you, just so that the gift giver won't feel offended.

 

[crown1]

not long ago, there was a discussion on a thread, where the poster was describing how difficult someone they needed to gift, was to please. i believe it makes it very hard to shop for someone who will either not like whatever you give, or have to let them select their own gift. i know there is a difference in spending 7-10k and a hundred dollars, but i long ago quit asking what someone wanted, as it became a burden sometimes to get what they asked for. this situation requires a lot of care, to handle in a way, that has a good outcome.

 

[swingirl]

The only thing I can add is that if I give someone a gift that I picked out and thought they'd like, I wouldn't want to know that it wasn't up to par and that they wanted to return it. Now if I said, "If you don't like it or it doesn't fit, feel free to return it and get something you like", then I would be fine with them returning it. I always say this when I give a gift.

But it sounds like the given didn't make that offer and expects you to keep, enjoy and wear the gift. I think it's impolite to let the giver know you reject their gift--for any reason. What you do with it is your choice, but don't insult the gift giver.

 

[Dreamer_D]

If it happened to me I would return it and use the money for something else. But that is my family and relationships. I cannot stomach waste.

 

[partgypsy]

There's no right answer. If you feel the person would be offended if you suggested returning, don't do it. I had a terrible scene with my MIL when I returned a gift she gave one of my daughters. This was when she was little. to preface earlier my aunt and uncle gave her a doll house and a set of furniture. I stupidly let her play with the house and furniture before she could understand and the nice furniture was quickly destroyed. During this time I was getting a lot of inappropriate toys for her and I was at the end of my rope cleaning up broken or multiple pieces toys. So, when my MIL asked me what to get, I was excited. I showed her a catalog with different things circled. I specifically asked for nothing small/breakable/lots of small pieces. She kept delaying ordering, and then on the spur of the moment went to a toy store and purchased - you guessed it doll house furniture. If I was in a more calm state I would have simply put them away for a few years later until she/I was ready for that but returned them as a gift card so we could all re-pick somehthing out together. However when my MIL found out, lots of tears and yelling, accusing me of interfering with her relationship with her granddaughter, other bad things. I was really taken aback, and there is no way I'd ever return something from that side of the family again, a BIG no no.

Myself, and my family, we are brutally honest with each other and tell each other what we think, and return things if necessary. When we send things we always include a gift receipt in case a return needs to be made.

I have no idea what this person is like, so I can't advise.

 

[sonnyjane]

I don't envy you your situation (except the part about having a very generous friend!).

I'd actually probably err on the side of not saying anything, even though it is a huge amount of money. I had a similar situation, although not quite as much money was involved. A few years ago, my husband surprised me with horrible mall store studs. He paid $1,200 for them, a total rip-off. I could have returned them for store credit, but I would have had to spend twice the amount he paid because he bought them on sale, so I didn't want to do that. I told him that I loved the gesture, but that in the future, for such a big purchase, I'd like to be involved because he could have done so much better for the money. I wish I could say that he continued to buy me jewelry and asked my input, but the truth is, while he had purchased me a few smaller pieces before those studs, he hasn't bought me any jewelry in the three years since. I think he's the type that prefers to surprise people with gifts and feels that asking for their input would ruin that. It's my honest opinion that my reaction to those studs has probably condemned me to no more jewelry surprises in the future, which while is exactly what I asked for, well, you know what they say about being careful what you ask for!

For a very long time I didn't wear them at all. I don't even have them insured because I don't care if I lose them and I don't want to replace them with a like set because they are J,K,L I2-I3's!!! A few weeks ago I bought myself a pair of pearl studs and had been wearing them all the time. It was clear how happy I was with them and my husband made several comments about seeing me happy in the earrings I had bought myself. Well, then I felt like royal crap because I realized I don't wear the earrings HE bought me at all, so I started wearing them regularly around the house and to work (nobody could really see them closely where I work). No harm done really and he probably enjoys seeing them outside of the jewelry box.

Sorry that was long! I guess my point is that it is a very sensitive issue and while it is a tremendous amount of money that was spent on you, I can see them taking it personally if your disappointment wasn't expressed in the absolute PERFECT way, and since nobody really knows how the giver will respond, we can't tell you the perfect way to break the news. My only suggestion would be protesting the amount in general and refusing the gift. In other words simply saying "I LOVE the gift but I know how much a piece like this costs and I absolutely can't accept something that expensive! Please take it back!" Would that work in this situation?

I'm actually kind of dying to see a picture of this gift to be honest

 

[LookintheMouth]

Okay, I'll admit that the giver is my MIL. I wish I could post a pic! It's actually quite pretty. But it would definitely out me to everyone who knows about the gift, including more than one PS lurker.

 

[sonnyjane]

Okay, I'll admit that the giver is my MIL. I wish I could post a pic! It's actually quite pretty. But it would definitely out me to everyone who knows about the gift, including more than one PS lurker.

Ha doh! I forgot that this was an anonymous post.

 

[TravelingGal]

Your MIL! Doh, don't mess with them. Wear it when you see her and just be happy you have a MIL who likes you enough to buy you pricey gifts!!!

 

[Kaleigh]

I didn't read all the responses, I don't have time to do so. Not everyone has the passion we do... The sentiment is there . I don't know why they gave you such a huge gift?? Like I said I didn't read the whole thread. They must love you a lot... So be careful with words as I am sure you will be...

What was the gift for?? Best of luck... I wish I could read the whole thread.

 

[junebug17]

The only thing I can add is that if I give someone a gift that I picked out and thought they'd like, I wouldn't want to know that it wasn't up to par and that they wanted to return it. Now if I said, "If you don't like it or it doesn't fit, feel free to return it and get something you like", then I would be fine with them returning it. I always say this when I give a gift.

But it sounds like the given didn't make that offer and expects you to keep, enjoy and wear the gift. I think it's impolite to let the giver know you reject their gift--for any reason. What you do with it is your choice, but don't insult the gift giver.

This conveys my opinion so well I wish I had written it! This is exactly how I feel.

ETA: I just saw that the giver is your MIL. Now I really don't think you should run the risk of insulting her over a piece of jewelry. Yes, I know it's an expensive piece of jewelry, but it's her money and her choice and I think you should just accept the gift in the spirit it was intended and enjoy it.

Is the piece that god-awful? You've mentioned it's pretty and your style so honestly it doesn't sound like it would be a hardship to wear it.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

That is truly sickening!!!!! I think many of us can understand exactly how you feel!

I am assuming there is no way to return it and get cash without a receipt? Because if you could, I would take that money and have the item remade by a PS vendor and the giver would never know the difference!!!

You cannot do anything directly since it is your MIL. But somehow, you need to get your husband to help by telling his mom that if she ever wants to surprise you, he has access to a wish list of items you'd LOVE to have and he can help her with the purchase. Even in this case, maybe he could tell his mother that he knows you would be horrified to know he is telling her, but you already have an item almost just like that, and if she could return this, he can tell her a specific item that you are really wanting from a specific vendor!!!

I do not like surprises, and especially not expensive ones. In my opinion, surprises (for adults at least) are usually for the joy of the giver and do not really put the recipient's desires first. So there!

(Okay, another creative thought. Have your husband ask for the receipt because the clasp is loose (or whatever) and needs repair and he wants the receipt to take it in for you. THEN, return and take the money and replace with the exact item in higher quality. The major problem that will come in will be if she put it on a credit card. Then they likely won't give him cash.)

Surely there is a way out of this.

 

[LookintheMouth]

That is truly sickening!!!!! I think many of us can understand exactly how you feel!

I am assuming there is no way to return it and get cash without a receipt? Because if you could, I would take that money and have the item remade by a PS vendor and the giver would never know the difference!!!

You cannot do anything directly since it is your MIL. But somehow, you need to get your husband to help by telling his mom that if she ever wants to surprise you, he has access to a wish list of items you'd LOVE to have and he can help her with the purchase. Even in this case, maybe he could tell his mother that he knows you would be horrified to know he is telling her, but you already have an item almost just like that, and if she could return this, he can tell her a specific item that you are really wanting from a specific vendor!!!

I do not like surprises, and especially not expensive ones. In my opinion, surprises (for adults at least) are usually for the joy of the giver and do not really put the recipient's desires first. So there!

(Okay, another creative thought. Have your husband ask for the receipt because the clasp is loose (or whatever) and needs repair and he wants the receipt to take it in for you. THEN, return and take the money and replace with the exact item in higher quality. The major problem that will come in will be if she put it on a credit card. Then they likely won't give him cash.)

Surely there is a way out of this.

I wonder if that would work! It would be a very easy thing to have re-made; IDJ actually already has something very similar.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Yes, it will work. Why? Because only people like us are so OCD that we'd know the difference. She will NEVER know! I am just praying that she paid with money and not a CC!!! But maybe there is a way to return a gift without crediting the person's card. Every time she'd look at it she'd be so proud of her choice of sparkly stones!

 

[crown1]

That is truly sickening!!!!! I think many of us can understand exactly how you feel!

I am assuming there is no way to return it and get cash without a receipt? Because if you could, I would take that money and have the item remade by a PS vendor and the giver would never know the difference!!!

You cannot do anything directly since it is your MIL. But somehow, you need to get your husband to help by telling his mom that if she ever wants to surprise you, he has access to a wish list of items you'd LOVE to have and he can help her with the purchase. Even in this case, maybe he could tell his mother that he knows you would be horrified to know he is telling her, but you already have an item almost just like that, and if she could return this, he can tell her a specific item that you are really wanting from a specific vendor!!!

I do not like surprises, and especially not expensive ones. In my opinion, surprises (for adults at least) are usually for the joy of the giver and do not really put the recipient's desires first. So there!

(Okay, another creative thought. Have your husband ask for the receipt because the clasp is loose (or whatever) and needs repair and he wants the receipt to take it in for you. THEN, return and take the money and replace with the exact item in higher quality. The major problem that will come in will be if she put it on a credit card. Then they likely won't give him cash.)

Surely there is a way out of this.

I wonder if that would work! It would be a very easy thing to have re-made; IDJ actually already has something very similar.

then what would you do if she wants to take it in herself? oh, what a tangled web you might weave. i understand you really want better stones but i fear it may blow up in your face. good luck whatever you do.

 

[Gypsy]

Your MIL! Doh, don't mess with them. Wear it when you see her and just be happy you have a MIL who likes you enough to buy you pricey gifts!!!

Oh crap? Expensive MIL gift? Keep that puppy. Wear it when you see her. Thank her when she sees you wearing it and tell her it's beautiful.

I have a great relationship with my MIL who is REALLY laid back. And I return EVERYTHING from everyone. And the price of this would stick in my craw but I still wouldn't say anything and I would still keep it. It has NOTHING to do with the bracelet and everything to do with relationships and signals. If you return it it's like saying her taste wasn't good enough for you, or that she doesn't know quality. BAD. BAD. BAD. I wouldn't do it.

 

[sonnyjane]

That is truly sickening!!!!! I think many of us can understand exactly how you feel!

I am assuming there is no way to return it and get cash without a receipt? Because if you could, I would take that money and have the item remade by a PS vendor and the giver would never know the difference!!!

You cannot do anything directly since it is your MIL. But somehow, you need to get your husband to help by telling his mom that if she ever wants to surprise you, he has access to a wish list of items you'd LOVE to have and he can help her with the purchase. Even in this case, maybe he could tell his mother that he knows you would be horrified to know he is telling her, but you already have an item almost just like that, and if she could return this, he can tell her a specific item that you are really wanting from a specific vendor!!!

I do not like surprises, and especially not expensive ones. In my opinion, surprises (for adults at least) are usually for the joy of the giver and do not really put the recipient's desires first. So there!

(Okay, another creative thought. Have your husband ask for the receipt because the clasp is loose (or whatever) and needs repair and he wants the receipt to take it in for you. THEN, return and take the money and replace with the exact item in higher quality. The major problem that will come in will be if she put it on a credit card. Then they likely won't give him cash.)

Surely there is a way out of this.

I wonder if that would work! It would be a very easy thing to have re-made; IDJ actually already has something very similar.

then what would you do if she wants to take it in herself? oh, what a tangled web you might weave. i understand you really want better stones but i fear it may blow up in your face. good luck whatever you do.

I agree. While perfectly plausible in theory, I think the potential backlash if you get caught doing that switcheroo would be worse than any sub-par diamond!!!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I don't see the big deal. If the MIL absolutely insisted on taking it in herself (which I cannot really imagine since it has already been given to the OP), then OP can just loosen a link or something. I surely would try to switch it.

 

[crown1]

i do not mean to be argumentative, just my opinion. i guess the "big deal" is having to invent an elaborate story to get different stones. if the op, can not tell the mil the truth and get what she wants, i don't think it is worth making the "big deal" of inventing a story to get what she wants. but it is not any of my business. again, good luck!