WWYD if someone gave you a returnable gift that...

[Laila619]

Diamondseeker, the problem is that even if OP somehow gets the receipt, unless MIL paid with cash, she will just get store credit or a refund on MIL's credit card. It seems like the OP is stuck with it, unless she comes totally clean.

 

[decodelighted]

Where did "needs" and "gifts" get confused? Someone get too many socks for the holidays? For the people who are nearly impossible to please -- I'd be quite happy to withdraw from gift-giving exchanges with them in the future. I'm not a mind reader and do not appreciate someone telling me I have chosen badly or have not carefully considered their *needs* enough.

And the "cultures" who have to jump through hoops to "give properly" -- good luck w/that! I bet there's a LOT of RESENTMENT brewing behind the scenes. Enjoy your pointless drama!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I love you, too, Deco!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Diamondseeker, the problem is that even if OP somehow gets the receipt, unless MIL paid with cash, she will just get store credit or a refund on MIL's credit card. It seems like the OP is stuck with it, unless she comes totally clean.

That may well be the case but we really don't know. If she can't, then I'd go to the store and tell them I am unhappy with the diamond quality and they can either order a better one or give me a refund. There are many possible things to try without being resigned to be stuck with it.

 

[decodelighted]

I love you, too, Deco!

Ditto

 

[aljdewey]

Why oh why didn't she consult my husband?!

I'd have to guess it's because she wanted to pick it for your herself, without help.

Like many other posters, I'm in the camp of "I want you to enjoy and use my gift, and if you won't, I'd rather you be honest and tell me. I won't at all be offended if you want to return it to get something more to your liking." However........people in this camp are usually also quite receptive to involving recipients in the selection process (because it strengthens the likelihood the gift will be enjoyed/used.)

Your MIL knows you love jewelry, and she has to suspect you have preferences if you bothered to ask to be involved in selection. The fact that she didn't involve you (after you expressly offered) and also didn't seek input from your husband gives me the impression she's not in the same camp I and other posters here are, so I don't think she's receive a request to return it as well as some of us would. I suspect she may feel hurt if you want to exchange it, and insulted if you tell her that the quality of the gift she selected is sub-par.

I agree with others that worrying about value for the $$ spent isn't your concern since it was her $$.

I'd keep it and wear it in her presence.

 

[rainydaze]

Some people believe that giving gifts is about meeting the needs of the recipient. Indeed, in some cultures and in some families, choosing a gift for a loved one that meets the loved ones needs and desires is the main goal of gift giving. In that way of thinking of things, the giving of a gift reflects the giver's knowledge of the receivers needs and wants, and reflects their care for the receivers needs and wants. To give someone a gift that they do not want or need, THAT is the mistake and travesty. That is how I see things -- giving gifts is not about throwing money or objects at another person and they better damn well like it. Giving gifts is about meeting the receivers needs. We have no idea what the giver in this situation thinks and feels about the act of giving gifts. We do know the receivers feelings about it. I think they owe it to one another to talk about this issue so it does not come up again; the giver's needs are not the only one's that matter IMHO.

This is how I was taught to select gifts by my mother from a young age. In fact, this is the very reason I feel that the OP would be wise not to say anything - it sounds to me as if her MIL *did* think about the receiver, taking her style and tastes (and needs, maybe the OP didn't already have what was given in her jewelry wardrobe?) into account. The only area where her MIL didn't hit the mark perfectly was in the quality of the diamonds. This was not because she lacked consideration for the receiver, but rather because she lacked (PSers level of) knowledge about diamonds.

MIL didn't disregard the OP in her efforts to choose a gift, rather it appears she took great care to cater the gift to her. Hence, I think the OP would be wise not to disregard her MIL's genuinely thoughtful intent by graciously accepting the gift as-is. I'll go a step further and assume that the MIL put such care into selecting this piece because she cares for the OP and wanted to make a gesture to show that... if that's the case, asking to return it for better quality has the potential to be received as a slap in the face.

 

[hlmr]

I'd keep it and wear it in her presence.

Best plan of action, imho.

 

[junebug17]

I don't see the big deal. If the MIL absolutely insisted on taking it in herself (which I cannot really imagine since it has already been given to the OP), then OP can just loosen a link or something. I surely would try to switch it.

DiamondSeeker has got to be one of the most virtuous posters on here, generally. Me, not so much - but I am one of the more sarcastic. So let's just unclench our pearls and put things in perspective here ... the OP isn't being greedy, she doesn't want more money to be spent, she just seems to dislike the idea of a thoughtful present going to waste while a ton of money goes down the drain. I'm not advocating for the wholesale disenfranchisement of small business owners, but for the white lie of poor quality to smooth an exchange- which, given the OPs description of the stones, isn't even necessarily a lie. If the store overcharged for the stones, I'm not going to assume superb metalwork. My values, let me show you them. And now, I leave you with an emotie, since apparently without them I'm incomprehensible!

Thank you so much for the compliment and thank you even more for "getting" what I was trying to say. You apparently understood that I was NOT saying that she should damage the piece. I was just trying to think of any plausible excuse for the husband to get possession of the receipt!!!!! (I do like the idea of too big or too small a little better, though, now that I have had more time to think about it. Surely it can be a little too big or too small???)

Diamondseeker, I swear I'm not trying to be nasty or pick on you, but I'm still unsure of what you meant in the top post...re the bolded part - aren't you suggesting the OP damage the piece in that sentence? At the least, you can see why some of us are confused as to what you actually meant.

I think it was sarcasm.

Um, ok, circe, I wasn't really asking you but thanks. I somehow didn't pick up that it was sarcasm, but this is a long thread so I must have missed it. I took the statement at face value, sorry if I was incorrect for doing so.

Look, obviously DS is a good, moral person, and I didn't mean to imply otherwise. But various solutions have been suggested in this thread that IMO involve moral judgements and I won't apologize or feel bad for having opinions about them. I don't think it's right to switch the item for something else and then wear it in front of the giftgiver as if it's what was originally bought. I feel it's deceptive, I would feel guilty about it and I would be a nervous wreck that MIL would somehow find out. But that's me. Apparently this is a gray area and others feel differently. I'll just leave it at that.

 

[susimoo]

I do not know if this is possible for the OP, but here is a similar situation I was in.

I was bought a beautiful pearl and diamond ring by someone I adore.
It was to replace one I was given for my 21st, which had been damaged beyond repair many years previously.

Whilst I loved the pearl and the style of the ring the diamonds were very poor quality. Just did not do it for me. It made me sad every time I wore it, knowing it didn't fill me with joy. That was the gift givers' intention by replacing a much loved item from my past and it was supposed to be an upgraded version.

So I took my ring to my trusted jeweller in Glasgow and had them replace the diamonds at my expense. They are very small but it cost me probably more than the ring itself.

Anyway, the ring is now, in my eyes, perfect. Yes, the gift ended up costing me but it was worth it. Everytime I wear it I know it was picked out with love and it gives me great pleasure to look at the beautiful pearl and sparkly little diamonds!!!

Plus, when the gift giver spots that i am wearing it, they are very pleased and always say, "I did well, look how sparkly the diamonds are!!!!"

We have since agreed that all big purchases we should do together!!!

Ps This person is not my husband!!! Or a lover (TG you naughty thing! )

 

[rainydaze]

I do not know if this is possible for the OP, but here is a similar situation I was in.

I was bought a beautiful pearl and diamond ring by someone I adore.
It was to replace one I was given for my 21st, which had been damaged beyond repair many years previously.

Whilst I loved the pearl and the style of the ring the diamonds were very poor quality. Just did not do it for me. It made me sad every time I wore it, knowing it didn't fill me with joy. That was the gift givers' intention by replacing a much loved item from my past and it was supposed to be an upgraded version.

So I took my ring to my trusted jeweller in Glasgow and had them replace the diamonds at my expense. They are very small but it cost me probably more than the ring itself.

Anyway, the ring is now, in my eyes, perfect. Yes, the gift ended up costing me but it was worth it. Everytime I wear it I know it was picked out with love and it gives me great pleasure to look at the beautiful pearl and sparkly little diamonds!!!

Plus, when the gift giver spots that i am wearing it, they are very pleased and always say, "I did well, look how sparkly the diamonds are!!!!"

We have since agreed that all big purchases we should do together!!!

Ps This person is not my husband!!! Or a lover (TG you naughty thing! )

You know, in this instance I don't have a problem with replacing the diamonds unbeknownst (or not) to the giver. That's because it sounds like the integrity of the gift remained intact with just a small adjustment being made to improve the overall effect. In the OP's case, it sounds like the entire piece is diamonds? I would find it easier to explain that just a little tweak really did the overall piece justice than to ask to replace an entire piece because it's subpar.

 

[LAJennifer]

I don't see the big deal. If the MIL absolutely insisted on taking it in herself (which I cannot really imagine since it has already been given to the OP), then OP can just loosen a link or something. I surely would try to switch it.

DiamondSeeker has got to be one of the most virtuous posters on here, generally. Me, not so much - but I am one of the more sarcastic. So let's just unclench our pearls and put things in perspective here ... the OP isn't being greedy, she doesn't want more money to be spent, she just seems to dislike the idea of a thoughtful present going to waste while a ton of money goes down the drain. I'm not advocating for the wholesale disenfranchisement of small business owners, but for the white lie of poor quality to smooth an exchange- which, given the OPs description of the stones, isn't even necessarily a lie. If the store overcharged for the stones, I'm not going to assume superb metalwork. My values, let me show you them. And now, I leave you with an emotie, since apparently without them I'm incomprehensible!

Really? I'm not sure this thread would exist if the piece were from Tiffany & Co.

 

[Circe]

Um, ok, circe, I wasn't really asking you but thanks. I somehow didn't pick up that it was sarcasm, but this is a long thread so I must have missed it. I took the statement at face value, sorry if I was incorrect for doing so.

Look, obviously DS is a good, moral person, and I didn't mean to imply otherwise. But various solutions have been suggested in this thread that IMO involve moral judgements and I won't apologize or feel bad for having opinions about them. I don't think it's right to switch the item for something else and then wear it in front of the giftgiver as if it's what was originally bought. I feel it's deceptive, I would feel guilty about it and I would be a nervous wreck that MIL would somehow find out. But that's me. Apparently this is a gray area and others feel differently. I'll just leave it at that.

... pleasure? I don't think a disagreement implies that anybody is asking you for an apology or trying to make you feel bad: it's just, you know, a difference in perspective. I can see what you mean - and, personally, I'm more aggressive-aggressive than passive-aggressive, so I'd probably either be blunt or let it go - but if the OP is asking for suggestions, it seems like those two obvious options aren't making her happy. Hence, alternatives! I don't want to put words in anybody's mouth, but I'd probably balk at pulling a switcheroo, too, and would go with a route where the gift-giver would know the piece had been swapped, though not the reason why. It's still dishonest, to make up a doesn't fit/snags all my sweaters excuse, I know ... but I really do feel like a little white lie here keeps all concerned from feeling bad. Agree to disagree!

... I'm not sure this thread would exist if the piece were from Tiffany & Co.

That's a different question though, no? The quality there's just fine, even if the markup is egregious ... and the value ("value"), holds, so the two prime objections don't apply. I'm just not seeing a gift-grab here, I guess ....

 

[junebug17]

Um, ok, circe, I wasn't really asking you but thanks. I somehow didn't pick up that it was sarcasm, but this is a long thread so I must have missed it. I took the statement at face value, sorry if I was incorrect for doing so.

Look, obviously DS is a good, moral person, and I didn't mean to imply otherwise. But various solutions have been suggested in this thread that IMO involve moral judgements and I won't apologize or feel bad for having opinions about them. I don't think it's right to switch the item for something else and then wear it in front of the giftgiver as if it's what was originally bought. I feel it's deceptive, I would feel guilty about it and I would be a nervous wreck that MIL would somehow find out. But that's me. Apparently this is a gray area and others feel differently. I'll just leave it at that.

... pleasure? I don't think a disagreement implies that anybody is asking you for an apology or trying to make you feel bad: it's just, you know, a difference in perspective. I can see what you mean - and, personally, I'm more aggressive-aggressive than passive-aggressive, so I'd probably either be blunt or let it go - but if the OP is asking for suggestions, it seems like those two obvious options aren't making her happy. Hence, alternatives! I don't want to put words in anybody's mouth, but I'd probably balk at pulling a switcheroo, too, and would go with a route where the gift-giver would know the piece had been swapped, though not the reason why. It's still dishonest, to make up a doesn't fit/snags all my sweaters excuse, I know ... but I really do feel like a little white lie here keeps all concerned from feeling bad. Agree to disagree!

Yep, I see what you're saying - and I guess I do sound a bit defensive in my post! The OP got a lot of food for thought and different viewpoints in this thread, which is a good thing! - ultimately it's up to the OP to decide for herself what she's comfortable with, and hopefully this thread will help her figure it out.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

You can all tell my MIL that I will be delighted if she wants to buy me a $10k diamond bracelet or pendant from Tiffany's! If one has to err, that would be a great place to do it!

 

[iheartscience]

You can all tell my MIL that I will be delighted if she wants to buy me a $10k diamond bracelet or pendant from Tiffany's! If one has to err, that would be a great place to do it!

I second that emotion!

 

[aljdewey]

... the OP isn't being greedy, she doesn't want more money to be spent, she just seems to dislike the idea of a thoughtful present going to waste while a ton of money goes down the drain.

Really? I'm not sure this thread would exist if the piece were from Tiffany & Co.

I have to say I disagree on this.

I happen to be one of those people who hates to feel wasteful with other people's money, regardless of the quality or label on the item. My MIL gave me a top-of-the-line item that I felt uncomfortable keeping because I wouldn't use it often enough. Let me assure you that if she bought me a piece an expensive piece from Tiff's, I'd feel badly seeing that money go down the drain too since the Tiff's name means little to me.

 

[Kaleigh]

Agree with Alj. Has nothing to do with the blue box, etc.. When I give a gift, I really want the person to love it and if they don't?? Please return it, no problemo... Life is too short..

I think diamondseeker had great points as well, but the pile on happened .

I am just seeing this now, and really think this thread is weird. But then again, we have seen everything here so should not be surprised. I also agree with Deco on many points..

So I am of no help.

Nighty night and sweet dreams all.... xo

 

[diamondseeker2006]

True, Lisa...all valid points, really! What it boils down to is the OP, her husband, and how they can best work this out to keep peace in their family!

Nite!

 

[crown1]

shaking my head.

 

[LAJennifer]

You can all tell my MIL that I will be delighted if she wants to buy me a $10k diamond bracelet or pendant from Tiffany's! If one has to err, that would be a great place to do it!

Exactly.

 

[Imdanny]

So OP, what are the possible options? What do you want to do? What are you going to do? I couldn't follow this whole thread. It made my head spin.

 

[susief]

Is there any chance this was, in fact, a re-gift? Something your MIL had been given that wasn't quite to her taste, so she thought you might like instead? Or an old piece kept aside that didn't suit her lifestyle, still in the box?

There's something about the way she's given you a unusually expensive gift, incongruous with what she would normally do for you, and not involving you (as you seem to have heavily hinted to her before).

Just a thought (and one that might be very embarrassing to discover if you approached her for an exchange).

 

[LookintheMouth]

Is there any chance this was, in fact, a re-gift? Something your MIL had been given that wasn't quite to her taste, so she thought you might like instead? Or an old piece kept aside that didn't suit her lifestyle, still in the box?

There's something about the way she's given you a unusually expensive gift, incongruous with what she would normally do for you, and not involving you (as you seem to have heavily hinted to her before).

Just a thought (and one that might be very embarrassing to discover if you approached her for an exchange).

Someone has suggested this before, and I understand why people wonder, but I am as certain as I can be that it wasn't.

 

[LookintheMouth]

So OP, what are the possible options? What do you want to do? What are you going to do? I couldn't follow this whole thread. It made my head spin.

I am going to just keep the gift unless, by some miracle, in the next couple weeks, she offers to do the return herself.

 

[steelmagnolia]

As to MIL not following your wishes to be involved in any diamond purchases, OP, is it possible that she waited until the last minute to buy the gift? I am an awful procrastinator and would generally almost always respect someone's request like yours, but if I were in a time crunch I might go ahead and purchase the gift without you, especially if I was certain it was to your taste and style, and knew nothing about diamonds. Is there a chance that she did this and met all the "requirements" other than the diamonds being of not quite sufficient quality, and actually might not be offended at all that you'd like to return/exchange? I'd be feeling a lot of guilt at myself for having waited to buy the gift and knowing that you'd wanted to be involved, and would be absolutely ok with you telling me about your desire to exchange it. And that's coming from someone who generally falls into the camp of feeling you accept a gift like this and keep your mouth shut despite how you may feel about it, in order to preserve relationships, but *only* if I'm the gift recipient. If *I* am the gift giver, I absolutely want you to love and adore the gift! I've spent the last 22 years having my own MIL totally disregard my feelings on gifts. I've received every gift graciously and then donated it or it sits unloved and unused - because she doesn't truly care whether I ever wear or use an item, giving a gift is exactly about meeting her "need" as a gift giver. She also buys things knowing and not caring that it can never be returned or exchanged, as she frequents merchandise liquidator stores that are only in her home state and will say as you open something that if you don't like it you're stuck with it since it can't be taken back

Anyhow, didn't mean to go me me me in a wall o' text, but as others have pointed out, only you know the dynamics of your relationship with her and how you think she might feel. What advice has your DH given you? What do your gut and your heart tell you to do?

If nothing else, this could be such a life lesson for when you might yourself become a MIL? I know I have compiled quite the list of "Things Not To Do As A Mother-In-Law" in the hopes that my children's spouses might always have a good and honest relationship with me, since I've not been able to have that with my own! If you do end up just having to keep it and wear it when she is around, I hope that your relationship with her is such that eventually the initial feelings of quality and waste issues might fade, and that you can only be reminded that it's a symbol of how she cared enough to try, even though she might not have gotten it totally right.

 

[decodelighted]

I'm curious .... if your MIL had given you this same item out of her own jewelry box ... to commemorate the same event -- would you feel differently about it? People "pass down" jewelry all the time & it's not always of the quality some PSers would prefer or chose on their own. Maybe if you think about it as if she bought it for herself & then chose to give it to you it wouldn't smart so much about your sense of value or how much $$ was spent etc. That's all honestly nothing you should have ever found out about. And it seems THAT's the info that you're most peeved about.

If $$ wasn't involved & it was just a lovely, thoughtful gifting of xxxx on the occassion of yyyy .... would it feel different?

 

[Imdanny]

So OP, what are the possible options? What do you want to do? What are you going to do? I couldn't follow this whole thread. It made my head spin.

I am going to just keep the gift unless, by some miracle, in the next couple weeks, she offers to do the return herself.

I don't blame you for not liking what you don't like. Who does? And it is a shame that it was so expensive. And it is a shame that so many people get ripped off with jewelry.

Are the diamonds terrible? Do they sparkle at all?

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Along the lines of learning what not to do as a future mother-in-law, you can also save it for a future DIL that you might not particularly like.

(Incidentally, I would not let this gift stop me from getting another one in the future that is the quality you want. Just don't wear the new one in front of the MIL.)

 

[purplesilk]

I do consider a jewel (and every other expensive gift) from in-laws not a gift for me but for the new family I started with DH: if I like the gift I use it, if I don't like it I simply keep it in a safe place...who knows the future? I could be asked to return what I was given (in case of divorce or finacial problems).