WWYD if someone gave you a returnable gift that...

[LookintheMouth]

Yeah, I don't think it could be done without getting the money refunded to a card, so there's really no roundabout way to pull this off.

Why oh why didn't she consult my husband?!

 

[VRBeauty]

Why oh why didn't she consult my husband?!

Uhm... because she didn't think she needed to? Because she thought what she bought you was beautiful and totally your style?

So what if she spent more than she should have for the quality that she got? That's her business, not yours. So what if it won't be worth what she paid for it on the resale market? Few things are, and beside she bought it as a gift, not an investment. If you decide to sell it it's all free money to you, no matter how much you get for it.

You yourself said it's beautiful. You've said nothing to indicate that this was given out of anything but love. If you can't get over the fact that the diamonds are less than perfect... I'm sorry, but I think that's just sad.

By the way, I should add that I could easily see my twenty years younger self going through the same gyrations you're going through now. The difference for me is that now I think that life is too short, and relationships are too precious, to waste energy over something like this. Your mother-in-law gave you a thoughtful and beautiful gift. Why not just enjoy it for what it is?

 

[Imdanny]

I agree with VRBeauty. I too think it's my age. You gain a certain perspective. When you're young you think that the whole world is front of you and you don't tend to spend your time and imagination thinking about your loved ones dying around you, leaving you more and more alone in a cruel world as you yourself age. I wouldn't think in the final analysis that not accepting a gift graciously wouldn't hurt the person who gave it. And for what? To have something materially better for oneself? No, it's not worth it, IMO.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Ha! I am probably old enough to be her mother, and I totally agree with her! This is exactly why I got it straight with my husband early on to never pick out jewelry for me unless it was from my wish list. It is one thing if you're given a $100 gift that will be wasted and put in a closet, but thousands??? When the same item made in better quality would be a cherished heirloom? She can't enjoy it because she knows the quality is not what she would wear. I do think it was very generous of the MIL, BUT a little selfish of her to not want to find out what would please the recipient. Even now, I think of my girls' taste as I buy things that will eventually be theirs.

But no one has suggested hurting the MIL...I was suggesting returning it and having the EXACT item remade in much better quality, even if they have to add money to it. Then both people can be happy.

LookintheMouth..no matter what happens, make sure it doesn't happen again. Your husband really needs to talk with her and be CERTAIN he is consulted on future gifts to be sure it is something you want. He just needs to ask her to PLEASE ask him to help with future gifts because he knows of items you'd love to have. But I would still try the return and remake thing with this one. That is the best case scenario that I can see.

 

[LookintheMouth]

Why oh why didn't she consult my husband?!

Uhm... because she didn't think she needed to? Because she thought what she bought you was beautiful and totally your style?

So what if she spent more than she should have for the quality that she got? That's her business, not yours. So what if it won't be worth what she paid for it on the resale market? Few things are, and beside she bought it as a gift, not an investment. If you decide to sell it it's all free money to you, no matter how much you get for it.

You yourself said it's beautiful. You've said nothing to indicate that this was given out of anything but love. If you can't get over the fact that the diamonds are less than perfect... I'm sorry, but I think that's just sad.

By the way, I should add that I could easily see my twenty years younger self going through the same gyrations you're going through now. The difference for me is that now I think that life is too short, and relationships are too precious, to waste energy over something like this. Your mother-in-law gave you a thoughtful and beautiful gift. Why not just enjoy it for what it is?

Well, that's not strictly true. I don't think it's true in general: didn't someone just come on here a few days ago with a sterling silver and diamond bracelet that was intended to be a gift for a friend and re-sellable? Lots of people think jewelry is an investment. I'm fairly confident it's not true in this specific case for reasons I won't get into.

Though I don't think it particularly changes my best course of action. Pointing out someone bought you, say, stock that soon wouldn't be worth the purchase price wouldn't be particularly wise.

 

[slg47]

it is your style and beautiful. enjoy it

My future MIL bought me a Lazare Kaplan diamond pendant. I am SURE I could have gotten the exact same pendant cheaper with a PS vendor. In fact, I might have picked a slightly different pendant style if I had been able to choose my own pendant. However, it is beautiful, it fits in with my style, it was chosen for me, and I love it and cherish it. Since it is from your MIL...I wouldn't say anything.

 

[decodelighted]

This is one of the strangest threads I've ever seen on PS. Seriously? WW*I*Do? I would keep it, slap a smile on my face and wear it whenever in her presence. In my opinion gifts aren't about maximum value for the money -- or -- guessing a person's 100% ideal desires perfectly every time. Isn't that setting EVERYONE up for FAILURE, ALWAYS? If you want to negotiate joint purchases within a marriage -- i.e., please don't spend OUR $$ on something I don't like etc --- I totally understand THAT. (And do so myself). BUT -- people OUTSIDE the confines of an intimate, joint-financial relationship? To try to control how THEY spend THEIR money? Beyond the pale. So so so SELFISH and self-involved & insulting & picky & ungrateful & straight up bratty.

In my opinion of course.

ETA: If you want to communicate that you don't like the quality of the piece & don't want to wear it: RETURN IT TO THEM so they can enjoy it if they wish & know how you truly feel about them & their taste. (Be prepared to live w/that outcome forever.) But don't try to get another, better gift out of the insulted giver. Geez.

 

[crown1]

This is one of the strangest threads I've ever seen on PS. Seriously? WW*I*Do? I would keep it, slap a smile on my face and wear it whenever in her presence. In my opinion gifts aren't about maximum value for the money -- or -- guessing a person's 100% ideal desires perfectly every time. Isn't that setting EVERYONE up for FAILURE, ALWAYS? If you want to negotiate joint purchases within a marriage -- i.e., please don't spend OUR $$ on something I don't like etc --- I totally understand THAT. (And do so myself). BUT -- people OUTSIDE the confines of an intimate, joint-financial relationship? To try to control how THEY spend THEIR money? Beyond the pale. So so so SELFISH and self-involved & insulting & picky & ungrateful & straight up bratty.

In my opinion of course.

ETA: If you want to communicate that you don't like the quality of the piece & don't want to wear it: RETURN IT TO THEM so they can enjoy it if they wish & know how you truly feel about them & their taste. (Be prepared to live w/that outcome forever.) But don't try to get another, better gift out of the insulted giver. Geez.

where is the like button! you are spot on. imho.

 

[decodelighted]

She can't enjoy it because she knows the quality is not what she would wear.

Are you sure? It seems like it's the perceived "waste" and lack of RESALE ease that's bothering her more than the look of the piece of jewelry.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Since the person is your MIL, I take it you know her fairly well or well enough to know how she'd respond to you wanting to exchange the piece? None of us know how she'll react, but you may, so just keep that thought in mind. Sometimes people may have a casual approach to returning gifts (or at least they seem to) but reality is it hurts their feelings when recipients do return.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

I don't know anyone who would want to know that they were ripped off on something expensive that they had purchased. Most people work hard for their money, whether they are rich or poor. When I give a gift, I want the person to like it. I always tell them, if they don't like it , tell me, I can always change it. I would never feel insulted, even if I had spent time and energy on it. That is the purpose of my gift for them.

If it were me and I learned later that I thought something was nicer than it was, and my neices didn't tell me, I would more upset at that time then asking to return a gift. No, I want them to be happy with it.

Money means different things to different people. I value and respect the usually hard work that goes into the purchase of expensive gifts, and would still explain it to them. Sometimes rules need to be broken.

I understand your conflict and do not see you as a spoiled brat. What ever you decide will be fine. Maybe your husband could go with you. Good Luck,
Annette

 

[junebug17]

She can't enjoy it because she knows the quality is not what she would wear.

Are you sure? It seems like it's the perceived "waste" and lack of RESALE ease that's bothering her more than the look of the piece of jewelry.

I agree deco, especially with the bolded - but it's the gift-giver's money to *waste*, not the OP's. the OP also did mention that the diamonds are poor quality. She also stated the piece was beautiful and her style. Now, I know this is going to be blasphemy to some here on PS, but in the grand scheme of things, and with all the other problems in life that can occur, is it the end of the world to occasionally wear a piece that doesn't contain top of the line, super-duper fantastic high quality diamonds? Is the average person going to look at the piece and be horrified by the appearance of it? Are most people even going to be able to tell the difference? Again, would it be that much of a hardship to wear it once in a while??? (even if just around the mil).

And the idea of a switcheroo isn't going to work because it sounds like mil paid with a CC. I didn't think it was a good idea anyway - too risky, mil could have detected the difference, and I wouldn't enjoy it because I'd feel guilty, and nervous mil would notice.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

it is your style and beautiful. enjoy it

My future MIL bought me a Lazare Kaplan diamond pendant. I am SURE I could have gotten the exact same pendant cheaper with a PS vendor. In fact, I might have picked a slightly different pendant style if I had been able to choose my own pendant. However, it is beautiful, it fits in with my style, it was chosen for me, and I love it and cherish it. Since it is from your MIL...I wouldn't say anything.

But slg, Lazare Kaplan is a very high quality diamond! I would think OP would be delighted if her MIL had overpaid for HoF or LK as opposed to poor quality dept. stone jewelry. (Oh, and I agree that she shouldn't say anything.)

Here is what she said:

"The only problem is, it's from a department store, made up of uncertified I1 and I2 diamonds. I know if I could get the giver to let me return it, I could buy something substantially similar from a PS vendor, but with better quality stones, without adding any money to it."

I just don't think there are a lot of PSers who would be thrilled to receive a gift worth thousands of dollars with uncertified I1 and I2 diamonds.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

She can't enjoy it because she knows the quality is not what she would wear.

Are you sure? It seems like it's the perceived "waste" and lack of RESALE ease that's bothering her more than the look of the piece of jewelry.

Deco, I really don't think that thought is in her mind. She feels sick that so much money has been spent on a poor quality piece and that for the same amount, she could have had the same thing in a high quality piece and would have enjoyed wearing it. I totally get it because I had a good many pieces of jewelry pre-PS that I won't wear now. I had my mother's diamond recut so I could wear it and I traded in a pair of diamond studs towards an Ebel watch. But the things I got rid of were bought before PS so you can't go backward. But now that I know about diamond and other jewelry quality, I just wouldn't wear anything that was mall jewelry or dept store jewelry (unless it was designer pieces from NM or something! I can accept those just fine as long as I can choose them!).

 

[partgypsy]

Wow this is a potential land mine. I've already explained my MIL is in the "no returns" camp. But hypothetically if she gave a gift of that level, I would say something like this is a very beautiful piece, I am overwhelmed, but its simply too much. I can't accept a gift of that value." Maybe you can take me out to dinner, etc I just would like your company.
So they know it's not that that gave you a gift, but a gift of that kind/expense is not appropriate. That's the closest I would get. I have kids, I would think, that is money that could go into their college account!!!

This may or may not work, but that's the best I could come up with.

 

[decodelighted]

She can't enjoy it because she knows the quality is not what she would wear.

Are you sure? It seems like it's the perceived "waste" and lack of RESALE ease that's bothering her more than the look of the piece of jewelry.

Deco, I really don't think that thought is in her mind. She feels sick that so much money has been spent on a poor quality piece and that for the same amount, she could have had the same thing in a high quality piece and would have enjoyed wearing it. I totally get it because I had a good many pieces of jewelry pre-PS that I won't wear now. I had my mother's diamond recut so I could wear it and I traded in a pair of diamond studs towards an Ebel watch. But the things I got rid of were bought before PS so you can't go backward. But now that I know about diamond and other jewelry quality, I just wouldn't wear anything that was mall jewelry or dept store jewelry (unless it was designer pieces from NM or something! I can accept those just fine as long as I can choose them!).

And I say "too freakin' bad" - wah wah wah ... and ... REALLY? Consider yourself wholly lucky if this is the biggest problem you're dealing with, MIL or otherwise, right now.

People are so full of themselves. What *I* would or wouldn't do. Get over yourselves already. We live in a world community and if it's going to hurt someone elses feelings, who only meant you well in order for you to "be yourself" & live your "non-department store diamond wearing life" then IS THE JUICE REALLY WORTH THE SQUEEZE? Is your arbitrary "style" more important than their feelings? Are your perfectionistic "standards" more important than their intent?

Wear it ... don't wear it. I don't care. But don't tell this lovely woman that her gift isn't up to snuff in your eyes OR BEWARE THE LIFE-LONG CONSEQUENCES.

 

[sstephensid]

Ha! I am probably old enough to be her mother, and I totally agree with her! This is exactly why I got it straight with my husband early on to never pick out jewelry for me unless it was from my wish list. It is one thing if you're given a $100 gift that will be wasted and put in a closet, but thousands??? When the same item made in better quality would be a cherished heirloom? She can't enjoy it because she knows the quality is not what she would wear. I do think it was very generous of the MIL, BUT a little selfish of her to not want to find out what would please the recipient. Even now, I think of my girls' taste as I buy things that will eventually be theirs. .

I totally agree with deco. The woman bought you a GIFT. Be thankful that your mil likes you! I would never demand a certain quality or complain about the lack of quality from a present. (Well, I may mention quality to my DH, but NO one else!) I can't believe people are telling you to exchange it for something else or try return it for the $. I would be LIVID if I bought a 6k+ present that I had spent weeks and weeks (or more) picking out, just to see you exchanged it for something else. I would be more mad if you returned it for the money! That is the epitome of rude, IMO. What happens if she asks to see it the next time she comes over? This isn't some $50 ring from Kohls that could easily be "lost."

" A little selfish" what!? She said that it is the perfect style. The MIL did apparently find out what she would like! The woman spent 6k+ on jewelry for her DIL, and she is a little selfish?

 

[decodelighted]

it is your style and beautiful. enjoy it
My future MIL bought me a Lazare Kaplan diamond pendant. I am SURE I could have gotten the exact same pendant cheaper with a PS vendor. In fact, I might have picked a slightly different pendant style if I had been able to choose my own pendant. However, it is beautiful, it fits in with my style, it was chosen for me, and I love it and cherish it. Since it is from your MIL...I wouldn't say anything.

But slg, Lazare Kaplan is a very high quality diamond! I would think OP would be delighted if her MIL had overpaid for HoF or LK as opposed to poor quality dept. stone jewelry. (Oh, and I agree that she shouldn't say anything.)
Here is what she said:
"The only problem is, it's from a department store, made up of uncertified I1 and I2 diamonds. I know if I could get the giver to let me return it, I could buy something substantially similar from a PS vendor, but with better quality stones, without adding any money to it."
I just don't think there are a lot of PSers who would be thrilled to receive a gift worth thousands of dollars with uncertified I1 and I2 diamonds.

.
This has got to be a tennis bracelet, right? We're not talking about engagement sized stones. We're talking about a smacked around, banged around item that's better than 99% of the free world will ever have. PSers are R.U.D.E. to foist their particular quirks off onto everyone they come in contact with regardless how how secretly snobby they've let themselves become.

Can you imagine someone over at the Purse Forum exchanging an MIL' gifted Rebecca Minkoff purse for a Chloe? Or whining that a purse wasn't "good enough" for them anymore?

This is out of control people. I think some folks are really letting their idea of "quality" affect their human kindness and COMMON SENSE.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

She can't enjoy it because she knows the quality is not what she would wear.

Are you sure? It seems like it's the perceived "waste" and lack of RESALE ease that's bothering her more than the look of the piece of jewelry.

Deco, I really don't think that thought is in her mind. She feels sick that so much money has been spent on a poor quality piece and that for the same amount, she could have had the same thing in a high quality piece and would have enjoyed wearing it. I totally get it because I had a good many pieces of jewelry pre-PS that I won't wear now. I had my mother's diamond recut so I could wear it and I traded in a pair of diamond studs towards an Ebel watch. But the things I got rid of were bought before PS so you can't go backward. But now that I know about diamond and other jewelry quality, I just wouldn't wear anything that was mall jewelry or dept store jewelry (unless it was designer pieces from NM or something! I can accept those just fine as long as I can choose them!).

And I say "too freakin' bad" - wah wah wah ... and ... REALLY? Consider yourself wholly lucky if this is the biggest problem you're dealing with, MIL or otherwise, right now.

People are so full of themselves. What *I* would or wouldn't do. Get over yourselves already. We live in a world community and if it's going to hurt someone elses feelings, who only meant you well in order for you to "be yourself" & live your "non-department store diamond wearing life" then IS THE JUICE REALLY WORTH THE SQUEEZE? Is your arbitrary "style" more important than their feelings? Are your perfectionistic "standards" more important than their intent?

Wear it ... don't wear it. I don't care. But don't tell this lovely woman that her gift isn't up to snuff in your eyes OR BEWARE THE LIFE-LONG CONSEQUENCES.

Deco, you are missing ONE IMPORTANT THING! I NEVER said she should tell her MIL or hurt her feelings. My suggestion was to return it and buy one EXACTLY like it but with better quality diamonds. That's all! Win-win for everyone!

 

[Laila619]

Hey, I'd be thrilled to have a MIL who loved me that much and wanted to spend 6-7k on me! Consider yourself incredibly lucky, and try to enjoy the piece for what it is. Is it perfect, no. But it's beautiful and sparkly and it was bought with love. It's just not worth hurting feelings or ruining a good relationship with your MIL over a gift. I COMPLETELY understand and can relate to hating the fact that she wasted her money. I am frugal to a fault and I can't stand when I or someone else waste money. But still, not worth it.

 

[decodelighted]

Diamondseeker2006,
I wasn't really addressing the totality of your particular comments or proposed solution - though I understand how it could come across that way. I was commenting on the situation in general & the attitude that some PSers have that things aren't good enough for them anymore. People thinking that way is their business. But the question here is when your personal extremely picky tastes might affect someone else's feelings. Someone, as it turns out, will be a close family member forever & one who is senior to you & should be respected if at all possible.

As to your proposed solution -- I don't think it's possible in this case and I'd *personally* be uncomfortable with that lie. I'd VASTLY prefer to wear lesser quality diamonds than go behind someone's back to recreate a piece to higher standards so that I could better "enjoy" it. The risk of discovery & embarrassment & humiliation far outweighs the potential gain IMHO.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Deco, I agree that someone could probably not change a piece that I gave them without me recognizing it. But in this case, if the MIL was not at all aware of quality in the first place and she hasn't seen the piece in awhile, I think the chances are about zero that she could tell the difference.

I get what you're saying and I agree with you 99% of the time, and in this case I 100% agree that the MIL can't be told she doesn't like the item or wants to change it. I just think it is very possible for her to replace it with no one ever knowing the difference because most people aren't all that observant.

 

[crown1]

Diamondseeker2006,
I wasn't really addressing the totality of your particular comments or proposed solution - though I understand how it could come across that way. I was commenting on the situation in general & the attitude that some PSers have that things aren't good enough for them anymore. People thinking that way is their business. But the question here is when your personal extremely picky tastes might affect someone else's feelings. Someone, as it turns out, will be a close family member forever & one who is senior to you & should be respected if at all possible.

As to your proposed solution -- I don't think it's possible in this case and I'd *personally* be uncomfortable with that lie. I'd VASTLY prefer to wear lesser quality diamonds than go behind someone's back to recreate a piece to higher standards so that I could better "enjoy" it. The risk of discovery & embarrassment & humiliation far outweighs the potential gain IMHO.

in addition to the discomfort with "that lie", i wonder about the fairness and ethical treatment the department store would be getting, if the bracelet was altered to go along with "that lie". the "better stones" hardly seem worth all that would have to happen to get them.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

in addition to the discomfort with "that lie", i wonder about the fairness and ethical treatment the department store would be getting, if the bracelet was altered to go along with "that lie". the "better stones" hardly seem worth all that would have to happen to get them.

I am totally not understanding your point about fairness to the dept store??? The last I heard, most dept stores have a 30 day(or greater) return period and anyone has the right to return anything for any reason during that time. This is not that difficult. Either the item can be returned for a refund or not. And I see no lie involved.

 

[crown1]

I don't see the big deal. If the MIL absolutely insisted on taking it in herself (which I cannot really imagine since it has already been given to the OP), then OP can just loosen a link or something. I surely would try to switch it.

maybe i misunderstood this post.

 

[Saoirse2]

I'm sorry, a gift is a gift. It costs nothing to be kind hearted.
My MIL gave me a Claddagh ring with a 1.5 ct heart cut diamond in the center 14 years ago. I had it sized and have courteously worn it every Thanksgiving to make MIL [and co] happy. Please forgive me for not understanding your worries about the quality of the diamonds in the piece. It didn't cost you a dime girl, let it go.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

it is your style and beautiful. enjoy it
My future MIL bought me a Lazare Kaplan diamond pendant. I am SURE I could have gotten the exact same pendant cheaper with a PS vendor. In fact, I might have picked a slightly different pendant style if I had been able to choose my own pendant. However, it is beautiful, it fits in with my style, it was chosen for me, and I love it and cherish it. Since it is from your MIL...I wouldn't say anything.

But slg, Lazare Kaplan is a very high quality diamond! I would think OP would be delighted if her MIL had overpaid for HoF or LK as opposed to poor quality dept. stone jewelry. (Oh, and I agree that she shouldn't say anything.)
Here is what she said:
"The only problem is, it's from a department store, made up of uncertified I1 and I2 diamonds. I know if I could get the giver to let me return it, I could buy something substantially similar from a PS vendor, but with better quality stones, without adding any money to it."
I just don't think there are a lot of PSers who would be thrilled to receive a gift worth thousands of dollars with uncertified I1 and I2 diamonds.

.
This has got to be a tennis bracelet, right? We're not talking about engagement sized stones. We're talking about a smacked around, banged around item that's better than 99% of the free world will ever have. PSers are R.U.D.E. to foist their particular quirks off onto everyone they come in contact with regardless how how secretly snobby they've let themselves become.

Can you imagine someone over at the Purse Forum exchanging an MIL' gifted Rebecca Minkoff purse for a Chloe? Or whining that a purse wasn't "good enough" for them anymore?

This is out of control people. I think some folks are really letting their idea of "quality" affect their human kindness and COMMON SENSE.

Yeah, I have to say Deco has summed it up.

Just a recent experience...a relative of mine bought a pricey gift for another family member and you know what, the family member complained about it...she said she didn't like it. You know what happened? Instead of offering to replace it, the family member has taken the gift back and is giving the item to someone else who is really excited to have that item.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

in addition to the discomfort with "that lie", i wonder about the fairness and ethical treatment the department store would be getting, if the bracelet was altered to go along with "that lie". the "better stones" hardly seem worth all that would have to happen to get them.

I am totally not understanding your point about fairness to the dept store??? The last I heard, most dept stores have a 30 day(or greater) return period and anyone has the right to return anything for any reason during that time. This is not that difficult. Either the item can be returned for a refund or not. And I see no lie involved.

Yep, what does the dept store have to do with it? They mark up their jewelry like crazy and people return stuff ALL THE TIME so I don't think they're apart of this equation at all.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I don't know all the ins and outs of the OPs situation.

But if this was me, and my MIL gave me a $10k piece of jewelery that I thought was overpriced and not my style, I would have an honest conversation with my MIL. Why is honesty such a bad thing here? I feel like being inauthentic and/or duplicitous is not a way to build relationships.

I would have a problem with my MIL giving me a $10k item of jewelery because we would so much rather have that money for other things that we need, and because I do not personally feel right having/wearing a jewelery item so pricey. For me, it would make me mad and sick to wear it and see it in my jewelery box, because of the waste, and because it represented my MIL having no understanding of me and my needs. So I would talk to her! I would fall all over myself abot how much I appreciate it and how thoughtful it is and how I appreciate her generosity, but I would set the record straight about my feelings about money and jewelery and all that rot. I would do that because I would have the same conversation with my husband, and because I respect my MIL too much to be dishonest and two faced with her.

But that's my MIL. I suppose if she was a crazy wack job I would not care about her and our relationship enough to be honest. But if that was the case, I would just return that puppy and not give a crap either.

 

[crown1]

I don't see the big deal. If the MIL absolutely insisted on taking it in herself (which I cannot really imagine since it has already been given to the OP), then OP can just loosen a link or something. I surely would try to switch it.

maybe i misunderstood this post.

mc, i gave my explanation here.