WWYD if someone gave you a returnable gift that...

[LookintheMouth]

I'm curious .... if your MIL had given you this same item out of her own jewelry box ... to commemorate the same event -- would you feel differently about it? People "pass down" jewelry all the time & it's not always of the quality some PSers would prefer or chose on their own. Maybe if you think about it as if she bought it for herself & then chose to give it to you it wouldn't smart so much about your sense of value or how much $$ was spent etc. That's all honestly nothing you should have ever found out about. And it seems THAT's the info that you're most peeved about.

If $$ wasn't involved & it was just a lovely, thoughtful gifting of xxxx on the occassion of yyyy .... would it feel different?

That would be totally different, among other reasons, because the ability to return the thing would be totally walled off, making it easier to accept that what's done is done. In fact, I have quite a bit of hand-me-down jewelry I rotate into regular wear. But the fact is, the "waste" could still be recovered, theoretically.

 

[LookintheMouth]

So OP, what are the possible options? What do you want to do? What are you going to do? I couldn't follow this whole thread. It made my head spin.

I am going to just keep the gift unless, by some miracle, in the next couple weeks, she offers to do the return herself.

I don't blame you for not liking what you don't like. Who does? And it is a shame that it was so expensive. And it is a shame that so many people get ripped off with jewelry.

Are the diamonds terrible? Do they sparkle at all?

The ones in the front do. The ones that aren't directly in the viewer's line of sight are, well, FMS. You know what I mean.

 

[LookintheMouth]

I do consider a jewel (and every other expensive gift) from in-laws not a gift for me but for the new family I started with DH: if I like the gift I use it, if I don't like it I simply keep it in a safe place...who knows the future? I could be asked to return what I was given (in case of divorce or finacial problems).

In case of divorce, I get. In case of financial problems? AHH EXACTLY WHAT IF THE MONEY NEEDED TO BE RECOVERED?!?!

 

[LookintheMouth]

<snip>

Anyhow, didn't mean to go me me me in a wall o' text, but as others have pointed out, only you know the dynamics of your relationship with her and how you think she might feel. What advice has your DH given you? What do your gut and your heart tell you to do?

If nothing else, this could be such a life lesson for when you might yourself become a MIL? I know I have compiled quite the list of "Things Not To Do As A Mother-In-Law" in the hopes that my children's spouses might always have a good and honest relationship with me, since I've not been able to have that with my own! If you do end up just having to keep it and wear it when she is around, I hope that your relationship with her is such that eventually the initial feelings of quality and waste issues might fade, and that you can only be reminded that it's a symbol of how she cared enough to try, even though she might not have gotten it totally right.

My heart and gut tell me to keep my mouth shut and not make waves. I could sense that they knew that the style was perfect for me (very sleek and modern) and that it was selected with care and joy. Which, really, should be enough to make the course of action obvious.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Hopefully your husband can help prevent this from happening again. I'd really focus on that.

 

[Maria D]

I do consider a jewel (and every other expensive gift) from in-laws not a gift for me but for the new family I started with DH: if I like the gift I use it, if I don't like it I simply keep it in a safe place...who knows the future? I could be asked to return what I was given (in case of divorce or finacial problems).

In case of divorce, I get. In case of financial problems? AHH EXACTLY WHAT IF THE MONEY NEEDED TO BE RECOVERED?!?!

But it's not your money to recover. If it helps, pretend that your MIL spent $6300 on a great vacation and while away picked up a $700 souvenir she thought you'd like. In that case, there'd be no money to recover either, right?

As an aside, I have a question. I don't know much about the cost of department store jewelry. Are we seriously saying that a $7000 piece at, say, Macy's, is only worth $700? Wow! Also, how do you know how much your MIL spent? Is it possible she didn't want to involve you because she got a big discount on it? (Maybe one of those "half price off Monday only from 9-11 a.m." deals?)

 

[Imdanny]

Hopefully your husband can help prevent this from happening again. I'd really focus on that.

I agree. I don't like it when people spend inordinate amounts of money for jewelry that's not worth much. I feel bad for them, let alone me. Well, not that I've had this problem. The thing is people will do the same thing when it's jewelry for themselves. How many stories have we read on PS about how one of us wanted to help a relative or friend get something nice for a fair price, only to have them blow their money on something from a mall? My MIL did this. I told SO that I would tell her what I learned at PS. It was one of those stories we've all heard so many times. She wanted to go shopping with a friend, one who knew nothing about diamonds. MIL showed me the ring. The diamonds didn't sparkle at all and the ring was almost $7,000- $8,000. I guess if my MIL wanted to buy me a gift like that I'd have to grin and bear it, just like had to be complimentary when she showed me her ring. My real thoughts were, "That was a waste; you should have listened to me, now you have a ring that doesn't even look like diamonds when you could have something so much better." I don't like saying this but so much of the jewelry industry is a very cynical machine designed to separate people from their money. We don't know if there were extenuating circumstances in this case; maybe OP, your MIL thought she got a bargain; maybe it was on sale, etc. It's just one of my pet peeves, though, that this kind of thing happens. I think most anyone who spends a lot of time at PS probably feels the same way.

 

[LookintheMouth]

I do consider a jewel (and every other expensive gift) from in-laws not a gift for me but for the new family I started with DH: if I like the gift I use it, if I don't like it I simply keep it in a safe place...who knows the future? I could be asked to return what I was given (in case of divorce or finacial problems).

In case of divorce, I get. In case of financial problems? AHH EXACTLY WHAT IF THE MONEY NEEDED TO BE RECOVERED?!?!

But it's not your money to recover. If it helps, pretend that your MIL spent $6300 on a great vacation and while away picked up a $700 souvenir she thought you'd like. In that case, there'd be no money to recover either, right?

As an aside, I have a question. I don't know much about the cost of department store jewelry. Are we seriously saying that a $7000 piece at, say, Macy's, is only worth $700? Wow! Also, how do you know how much your MIL spent? Is it possible she didn't want to involve you because she got a big discount on it? (Maybe one of those "half price off Monday only from 9-11 a.m." deals?)

She left the "retail price" tag on and I know what special the store was running at the time.

 

[LookintheMouth]

Hopefully your husband can help prevent this from happening again. I'd really focus on that.

I agree. I don't like it when people spend inordinate amounts of money for jewelry that's not worth much. I feel bad for them, let alone me. Well, not that I've had this problem. The thing is people will do the same thing when it's jewelry for themselves. How many stories have we read on PS about how one of us wanted to help a relative or friend get something nice for a fair price, only to have them blow their money on something from a mall? My MIL did this. I told SO that I would tell her what I learned at PS. It was one of those stories we've all heard so many times. She wanted to go shopping with a friend, one who knew nothing about diamonds. MIL showed me the ring. The diamonds didn't sparkle at all and the ring was almost $7,000- $8,000. I guess if my MIL wanted to buy me a gift like that I'd have to grin and bear it, just like had to be complimentary when she showed me her ring. My real thoughts were, "That was a waste; you should have listened to me, now you have a ring that doesn't even look like diamonds when you could have something so much better." I don't like saying this but so much of the jewelry industry is a very cynical machine designed to separate people from their money. We don't know if there were extenuating circumstances in this case; maybe OP, your MIL thought she got a bargain; maybe it was on sale, etc. It's just one of my pet peeves, though, that this kind of thing happens. I think most anyone who spends a lot of time at PS probably feels the same way.

Yup. My own neurotic peeve is part of the problem. I would be desperate for some way to un-do the damage if she'd bought it for herself too. It makes me angry at the store.

 

[purplesilk]

She left the "retail price" tag on and I know what special the store was running at the time.

She wanted you to know she spent a lot of money...tasteless!!!

In case of divorce, I get. In case of financial problems? AHH EXACTLY WHAT IF THE MONEY NEEDED TO BE RECOVERED?!?!

[/quote]
It would be her business. She loves to have control over things so she'd sell the earrings by herself.

Do you really need a pair of shining valuable earrings more than a happy MIL?

 

[Lulie]

This whole thread is pretty sad. While I get cultural gifts, poor taste, etc. There is a big chance that your MIL got a great deal on it. I know mine waits for months for an item to go on clearance!

[In case of divorce, I get. In case of financial problems? AHH EXACTLY WHAT IF THE MONEY NEEDED TO BE RECOVERED?!?![/quote]

But it's not your money to recover. If it helps, pretend that your MIL spent $6300 on a great vacation and while away picked up a $700 souvenir she thought you'd like. In that case, there'd be no money to recover either, right?

NOT your money to recover 6 pages, Not your money to recover repeat.

 

[crown1]

i enjoy jewelry a lot. have spent a good amount of cash over the years on it. have received some lovely gifts of jewelry. but, and that is a big but, i draw the line at having hard feelings at people because they did not gift me, as i would have liked to have been gifted. even considering altering a piece to return it and get the cash seems morally wrong. suggesting that someone lie to get what they want, morally wrong. this thread has gone over the top for me. this is past the op's question for me. i think adults learn to live with the consequences of their own actions. don't say it or do it if you can't own up to it. and lastly i would be beyond hurt if i knew a gift i had given was put up for a discussion such as this on an internet forum. i would rather the gift be thrown in my face than be demeaned like this. my 2 cents.

 

[partgypsy]

Seriously. It's a sunk cost at this point.

The thing I would do, if you felt comfortable, is to thank her profousely for the gift and say you can't accept it due to the cost. The MIL blew it there, because she left the price tag on.
Even if she says don't worry I got it for 30% off, say, I still cannot accept a piece of jewelry of that price level it doesn't feel right. And just keep saying that you appreciate the thought but you cannot accept. You may not get the money or equivelant, but at least she hasn't wasted her money.

While there is an unspoken rule you cannot tell someone you want y instead of x for a gift, there is no rule that says you have to accept a gift.

Nevermind. I would just accept it and move on. Unless the parents in law are in dire straits for money, I would just move on. I hate when people waste their money but unless you are their power of attorney not much you can do about it. Hopefully your husband can talk to them about it so no more surprise gifts.

 

[heididdl]

This is one of the strangest threads I've ever seen on PS. Seriously? WW*I*Do? I would keep it, slap a smile on my face and wear it whenever in her presence. In my opinion gifts aren't about maximum value for the money -- or -- guessing a person's 100% ideal desires perfectly every time. Isn't that setting EVERYONE up for FAILURE, ALWAYS? If you want to negotiate joint purchases within a marriage -- i.e., please don't spend OUR $$ on something I don't like etc --- I totally understand THAT. (And do so myself). BUT -- people OUTSIDE the confines of an intimate, joint-financial relationship? To try to control how THEY spend THEIR money? Beyond the pale. So so so SELFISH and self-involved & insulting & picky & ungrateful & straight up bratty.

In my opinion of course.

ETA: If you want to communicate that you don't like the quality of the piece & don't want to wear it: RETURN IT TO THEM so they can enjoy it if they wish & know how you truly feel about them & their taste. (Be prepared to live w/that outcome forever.) But don't try to get another, better gift out of the insulted giver. Geez.

I understand what your saying but we are not talking about a $150 bangle bracelet. Also as an aside its nice that her MIL bought her anything. I'm married 27 years and I haven't gotten so much as a bagel from mine. Back to this. a $10,000 is not an inexpensive gift and it does deserve some discussion. So what a better place to discuss it. If she talked to her husband he may flip out that she tried to do something nice for her and she's obsessing about the quality. People come on this forum and spend hours days months and pages asking us an opinion on spending $1,200 - $120,000 on a purchase for their GF , so why can't a PS who knows all the right diamond choices have a pit in her stomach when it comes to enjoying at $10,000 bauble that she knows was over paid for something that could be duplicated for less at better quality. Maybe venting here will help her decide if she she say anything or not.

 

[LaraOnline]

This is one of the strangest threads I've ever seen on PS. Seriously? WW*I*Do? I would keep it, slap a smile on my face and wear it whenever in her presence. In my opinion gifts aren't about maximum value for the money -- or -- guessing a person's 100% ideal desires perfectly every time. Isn't that setting EVERYONE up for FAILURE, ALWAYS? If you want to negotiate joint purchases within a marriage -- i.e., please don't spend OUR $$ on something I don't like etc --- I totally understand THAT. (And do so myself). BUT -- people OUTSIDE the confines of an intimate, joint-financial relationship? To try to control how THEY spend THEIR money? Beyond the pale. So so so SELFISH and self-involved & insulting & picky & ungrateful & straight up bratty.

In my opinion of course.

ETA: If you want to communicate that you don't like the quality of the piece & don't want to wear it: RETURN IT TO THEM so they can enjoy it if they wish & know how you truly feel about them & their taste. (Be prepared to live w/that outcome forever.) But don't try to get another, better gift out of the insulted giver. Geez.

I understand what your saying but we are not talking about a $150 bangle bracelet. Also as an aside its nice that her MIL bought her anything. I'm married 27 years and I haven't gotten so much as a bagel from mine. Back to this. a $10,000 is not an inexpensive gift and it does deserve some discussion. So what a better place to discuss it. If she talked to her husband he may flip out that she tried to do something nice for her and she's obsessing about the quality. People come on this forum and spend hours days months and pages asking us an opinion on spending $1,200 - $120,000 on a purchase for their GF , so why can't a PS who knows all the right diamond choices have a pit in her stomach when it comes to enjoying at $10,000 bauble that she knows was over paid for something that could be duplicated for less at better quality. Maybe venting here will help her decide if she she say anything or not.

Oops! Old thread alert! But still this is the gauntlet I run every Christmas with my husband and (love him to bits ) to be honest it drives me crazy! Still, the surprise is the fun so HE says lol.

 

[momhappy]

I'm curious how you know how much this person actually paid for the item? It's one thing to know what the retail value of a particular item is, but another thing to know exactly what they paid. I've seen some pretty remarkable sales these days - 50, 60, even 70% off - now, granted, prices can be unfairly inflated to reflect a "sale" price. For example, a family member of mine just purchased a diamond ring recently (not from a large, chain vendor) and the original price tag was $7500. By the time she left the jewelry store with the ring, it was $2500. The difference in price was in part due to the fact that she also purchased a watch for her husband and a pair of gold earrings too (so, they gave them a substantial discount for purchasing multiple items).
I understand what your saying about the price tag not reflecting the diamond quality, but I was just demonstrating that perhaps the gift-giver didn't spend as much as you think they did. As far as to return or keep, there's no way that I would return under those circumstances. You knowing that you could get a "better deal" elsewhere seems somehow offensive to the gift-giver (like they are not intelligent enough, thoughtful enough, etc.) to pick out an appropriate gift. I would gratefully accept it and wear it.

EDIT: OH NO!! I JUST REALIZED THAT THIS THREAD IS OLD I APOLOGIZE FOR BEING PART OF THE RESURRECTION OF THIS DINOSAUR