Stillbirth thread?

[KatyWI]

Circe, I am so, so sorry for your loss.

 

[gailrmv]

Circe, I am very, very sorry for your loss. I wish I had any advice or comfort but I do not know what to say. It sounds like you have a wonderful DH and I hope that you will be able to lean on eachother to get through this difficult time.

 

[Circe]

Back again, some ibuprofen and a glass of wine and some talking to the hubby later ... and some rereading this thread 4 or 5 times. It''s funny, I was talking to my folks yesterday, and I mentioned my RL blog, and hey were *horrified* that I was sharing this in the public sphere. But much more than anything else, this is helping me: talking to my husband and my friends is a balm, but it''s sort of like your mother telling you you''re pretty when you''re growing uo. You *know* she has to. Here, I''m aware you guys have no obligation other than simple human kindness, and the affirmation that human beings are fundamentally decent, well ... it helps.

So on Friday, the doctor said, "Huh, so you went through with it after all ..." (she''d been a tad suspicious of my doing the amnio - a cousin of hers had just borne a baby with tris 13, and she thought it was worth it), and she said that when I called her about the cramps, she''d been scared I was losing the baby. Apparently, if I''d called again, she would have called me into the hospital for some potentially dangerous medication ... but my grand total of 12 weak cramps subsided, and the danger passed, and, I''m saying this specifically for Mara and any other mother thinking about doing amnio., she is *sure* it wasn''t the amnio. that caused it. But she said all of this as she was looking for the heartbeat with the doppler, and nothing was coming up, and finally, she said maybe the baby was just hiding, and we should just go into the next room and get an ultrasound.

We waited in that room for 20 minutes until the ultrasound room cleared out, just waiting and hoping that I''d feel the baby move, or we''d be allowed in, or something. And finally, we went in, and she slapped on the gel, and inside of a minute, we could both tell there was no heartbeat. Even before she said, "Oh, I am so sorry ...," even with almost no experience of reading ultrasounds, we could just tell.

I think my husband took it harder than I did. I''m the pessimist, out of the two of us: I''d been trying hard not to get attached, even though I evidently failed; I was steeling myself for, god forbid, a bad amnio. result and the necessity of termination. But my husband is a sunny happy person - a wonderful anodyne for my sort of personality - and when she told us, I thought he was going to faint, or throw up, or both. We took a few minutes, and had him lie down on the cot before it passed. In the meantime, all I could think about was what we''d need to do next - which I told the doctor, and which she countered with an offer for a sonogram so we could be sure, really sure, that what needed to be done really needed to be done. So they made an appointment for us for an hour later, and we were so discombobulated that we drove home on automatic, and then drove back to the sonogram place, and waited there for an hour until they could squeeze us in, and then we had the sonogram where the technician couldn''t tell us *anything* (I felt sort of bad for her - I am guessing this is the worst part of the job), but we could tell again, and then we just drove home.

I really am sorry that, a) I keep taking breaks, and b) I keep apologizing for taking breaks. I''m really not doing it to build drama, or any nonsense like that. I just sort of ... get tired. It''s weird. I usually have a good attention span. I am guessing it''s the drugs, or the stress, or something. Anyway, will reread, and recharge, and be back (and in the meantime, rest assured that I *really appreciate* each and every comment - I can''t even single any comment out without feeling guilty, because they are all so important to me, but, oh, Waxing Lyrical! your advice means so much to me. I read it out to my husband, and we will do what we can to follow it - so many other posts, too, but I really wanted to thank at least one of you in particular). Anyway, till later ....

 

[gailrmv]

Date: 8/11/2009 8:35:03 PM
Author: *Lindsey*
Circe, I am so very sorry that your baby is not with you right now. I can think of no worse hell than what you''ve gone through -- the birth of your silent baby, your milk coming in... somehow you will survive. I gave birth to my daughter on April 14 and she was stillborn -- it was 17 weeks ago today actually. There is nothing more painful than losing a child. My husband and I had so carefully prepared for this baby, had wanted her so badly. We held our perfect 8 lb. daughter for two days and it was so tragically bittersweet. Tears stream down my face as I write this. There are some days still where no, I cannot get out of bed. But most days are good, and it is getting slightly easier. Please be kind to yourself, the ''what if I had done such and such'' can be exhausting, I hope that you don''t go down that road. Make sure that you and your husband take care of each other, these later losses can be so damaging. If you want to ever want to chat I''m always around pricescope.


waxing lyrical, I love the term rainbow baby. It seems so appropriate. The idea of baby number two is often the thing that my husband and I find can keep us going. I am amazed that we have any sort of hope for the future. I imagine that your hope is growing by the day as December approaches. We are trying for our rainbow baby this month, and I should be ovulating tomorrow... the very day last year that we conceived Natalie. We are hoping.

Lindsey, I know we never "spoke" much if at all on PS, but I lurked quite a bit during the time that you were posting in the preggo thread, and I always enjoyed reading your posts. Your loss hit me very hard. I think of you often and am glad to hear that you are doing well. I hope very much that you will have your rainbow baby very soon.

 

[isaku5]

Circe, if I ever knew the name of the drug that stopped the milk, I''d gladly pass it on, but as I said earlier, it was over 40 years ago so I don''t remember and my ob/gyn has passed away. So sorry about that.

Is there any way you could stand pumping your breast milk out or would that increase lactation? I''m hoping a doctor will see this thread and suggest something/anything for the pain.

Mara, our daughter was 34 when she became pregnant. Due to her age the amnio was strongly suggested. While it was far from a pleasant experience, she had no problems afterward and delivered an 8lb 13oz baby girl.

 

[princesss]

Circe, I am so sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you and your husband right now.

 

[Circe]

Date: 8/11/2009 9:36:58 PM
Author: SeaStar
Hi Circe. I''m so sorry to hear of your loss and I remember your pain all too well. I lost my son at 39.5 weeks for unknown reasons. I had a less than stellar induction and the doctor on call was cold and rough, but the compassion I received from the nurses was unparalleled. It was the most painful thing I''ve ever been through. I closed my eyes when I delivered him and I didn''t want to see him at all at first, but my nurses talked me into it and I''m glad that they did because looking back I really cherish those moments. The first few weeks were the hardest when I got home. I went through different stages of grief, but mostly I felt so empty and it felt so wrong to be home with life going on normally. At night I had to sleep with the light and television on because I kept seeing his face in my sleep. It was really hard and I felt so alone. My best advice is to surround yourself with the people and things that comfort you. Forgive people in advance for the advice they''re going to give you. Everyone is at a loss for words in a situation like this. The worst things I heard were ''at least you''re young and can always have another'', and ''there must have been something really wrong with so he''s better off in heaven.'' The best things people can do for you is to just sit and listen when you need it, and to wrap their arms around you and hold you for awhile. The key to healing is time. It''s been 7 years this past July since I lost my son and I still don''t really talk about it in person and it''s still hard to say his name out loud but I can do it. It''s going to be one of those subjects that will always be too painful, though it does get easier as the years pass by and the pain does dull to an ache. I''m here though if you ever need an ear to listen or have questions. I''m thinking of you.

Oh, SeaStar, I am *so sorry* for your loss. It is so terrible losing a little one half-way through, I cannot even imagine what it must be like when you are at term: when I read your post, I couldn''t help moaning in sympathy. Thank you so much for sharing your experience, and reliving it to help ease my pain (and, I pray, maybe your own a little too - like I said in my last post, I am finding this is the best medicine I have found so far, twee as that may sound). I am so, so sorry that your doctor was cold and rough. My baby came on suddenly, while I was actually on call with the nurse to explain that my waters had broken, and while my doctor and nurses were all incredibly kind, they recommended that I not look at him. My worst memories, far above the physical pain, are of feeling him between my legs and trying to follow their advice and ignore it, and of feeling that he deserved better, much, much better. I am grateful that they were kind for *me,* but I am grateful that you got to make your son''s acquaintance, for *you.* I never judged another woman for her choice before this, and I most certainly cannot imagine how anyone ever, ever does after this: it is all so very individual.

Thank you *SO* much, all of you, for responding to this, and sharing your experiences. Cliched as it may be, I''m reminded of a line from a favorite author: pain shared is pain halved. Joy shared is joy squared. I hope we all have some joy commensurate to the pain to share soon. Now, I''m holding to my last post and going off to eat something, and if I cross-post with something heart-breaking, I apologize for any delay in replying, and thank you for your kindness in taking the time to respond to my situation.

 

[SeaStar]

It's funny Circe, I chose to go into nursing and have worked in maternity, helping in several losses and stillbirths. You are so right when you say it's individualized. It depends on how far along and how traumatic the birth and how the parents feel. Parents of babies at 16-24 weeks gestation who choose to see their babies are often very surprised and hurt that they don't always look like babies. We never push parents, but do hope that they will find some way to say goodbye.

I believe every parent should have something positive to remember their baby by, whether it's a picture, or a lock of hair, or a footprint. Something permanent is really helpful on those difficult days when you're missing him. Have you thought about making a memory book? One brave day we decided to put one together. We cut out quotes and song lyrics that reminded us of him and put it in a binder along with the items in his memory kit from the hospital and the box from his ashes. I've only looked through it maybe three times but I find peace knowing it's right there if I ever feel the need to pull it out.

 

[SeaStar]

The name of the drug that stops milk production is bromocriptine (Parlodel)...but discuss it thoroughly with your doctor because it can have some nasty side effects.

 

[Miscka]

Circe I know I don''t have the right words at all to convey to you how sorry I am for your loss. Please know that you and your DH are in my thoughts, and I am hoping that you find some peace during this time.

 

[lulu]

Circe, I am very sorry for your loss. I''ll keep you and the baby in my prayers.

 

[waxing lyrical]

I second a memory box. We were given a memory box by the chaplain/bereavement counselor. It''s where I keep his hand/foot prints, flowers, poem DH wrote, ultrasound pictures, lock of hair and cards. I still go through it sometimes. I wear a memory glass pendant. It''s blown glass that contains a teeny tiny amount of cremains. It''s just beautiful. I still want to get a glass orb.

SeaStar, I''m so very sorry for your loss and I''m sorry about your experience with that doctor. Mine wasn''t the greatest. He seemed very cold and I got a vibe from him that since he was dead it was "okay" to be more aggressive with the induction even though it wasn''t in anyway in my best interest. The induction itself was smooth and fast thanks to putting my foot down on misoprostol, but the process and experience was horrible. I''m thankful I had such wonderful nurses.

 

[SeaStar]

I had misoprostol and had a miserable, painful induction with very slow progression. I was so sore and the OBGYN wouldn't give me anything for pain because she felt it would prevent me from progressing but didn't explain that at the time, in fact she didn't explain anything. She also checked me frequently and was very snippy with me if I grimaced, telling me my contractions weren't that bad yet and I needed to hold still. I was sobbing hysterically before she gave in and let me have morphine but refused to let me have an epidural until my water broke. I really don't think I will ever have anymore children. That experience really haunts me.

 

[swingirl]

My heart goes out to all you ladies who''ve have to suffer such a loss. I hope you quickly recover physically and emotionally. The days seem long and sad but it will get better.

 

[waxing lyrical]

Date: 8/11/2009 11:07:52 PM
Author: SeaStar
I had misoprostol and had a miserable, painful induction with very slow progression. I was so sore and the OBGYN wouldn''t give me anything for pain because she felt it would prevent me from progressing but didn''t explain that at the time, in fact she didn''t explain anything. She also checked me frequently and was very snippy with me if I grimaced, telling me my contractions weren''t that bad yet and I needed to hold still. I was sobbing hysterically before she gave in and let me have morphine but refused to let me have an epidural until my water broke. I really don''t think I will ever have anymore children. That experience really haunts me.

It really, really angers me that misoprostol is still used. I looked at the doctor like he was insane when he said that. My uterus was already irritated and overly distended and I didn''t want to risk uterine hyperstimulation since it''s known to cause that. My doula didn''t like him at all. He strongly suggested on being medicated before even checking me. That wasn''t part of my "plan," but neither was entering the hospital. I didn''t feel like fighting or dealing with him so I gave in. I told him I wouldn''t be having misoprostol at all, but would instead do Cervidil if my cervix wasn''t ripe. Surprisingly, I was 4 cm so I was just given a very high dose of pit, the more aggressive approach as he said.

He told me that while he''s all for unmedicated birth, the route he was going to take would be very aggressive. Not something they do in live births. :sigh:

Were you in nursing when you lost your son?

 

[Mara]

Thanks so very much for your comments Circe. And please don''t apologize for breaks or anything between posts. You are going through a lot. Did you do pre-screens, and if so were they positive, is that why you opted for amnio? I also very much appreciate you noting your feelings and that you would do it again, and anything else you want to say.

isaku, thanks...I am 34 as well and will birth at 35. Our pre-screens are negative but due to my age they don''t dissuade an amnio. At lot of people seem surprised when we tell them we are doing one. I am really nervous, but we keep talking about it, almost daily, and both still feel that we want to do it.

 

[february2003bride]

Circe- I am so sorry for your loss

Mara- I had an amnio with my third baby and my doctor was adament that I stay on modified bed rest for 4 days afterwards to avoid miscarrying. I didn''t have any complications to warrant bed rest, it was simply that she didn''t want me to risk going into labor due to the amnio. I told her that I felt fine by day 2 but she insisted that I rest the additional 2 days. I would take it easy after your amnio and have your DH do the packing.

 

[Linda W]

Date: 8/11/2009 11:59:42 PM
Author: Mara
Thanks so very much for your comments Circe. And please don''t apologize for breaks or anything between posts. You are going through a lot. Did you do pre-screens, and if so were they positive, is that why you opted for amnio? I also very much appreciate you noting your feelings and that you would do it again, and anything else you want to say.


isaku, thanks...I am 34 as well and will birth at 35. Our pre-screens are negative but due to my age they don''t dissuade an amnio. At lot of people seem surprised when we tell them we are doing one. I am really nervous, but we keep talking about it, almost daily, and both still feel that we want to do it.

Mara Dear with all do respect. Maybe it would be best, if you start your own thread about the risks of amnios??

We shouldn''t have this thread, taken away from Circe. You know what I mean???

 

[Kaleigh]

A thread on amnios would be a good thing. We don't have one, so am sure it would be helpful to all...


Circe
You amaze me with your strength, you are a lovely person. I am heart sick for you in this loss. I pray for good blessings to you and your husband. Sending you a huge HUG!!!

 

[mtjoya]

Circe, I am very sorry for your loss. Many hugs and kisses to you and you will be in my thoughts &

prayers.

 

[Mara]

Thanks Linda, but I've done my research. I was just responding to what isaku wrote, sorry if it was felt it was taking away to respond.

Circe...whenever you are ready (if at all) whatever you'd like to continue to share about your experience is welcomed. If not, thanks very much for what you have shared already. It's very valuable. Please take care of yourself!

 

[trishy]

awww sweetie, i am so sorry. please take care of yourself. [im glad to hear you reminding yourself to get nourishment even without the appetite]
sending big big hugs.

i dont talk of this ever, really, with anyone. but my husband and i miscarried over a year ago. i was only 10 weeks. its still painful to even think about. i was devastated. i cried and cried. i never talk about it. and i prob should. i dont know why i dont ever talk about it. i guess i just dont want to face it. although it wasnt a stillbirth, it still hurt... i had heard the heartbeat, and i was so excited. just over the moon. and then crushed. i know you went through much more, so i cant even imagine your heartbreak... im so so sorry.

 

[Samantha Red]

Circe, I am so sorry to hear about your terrible loss. I have never been able to have children, but lurk around the TTC/pregnancy threads because it brings me a lot of joy to see other people''s joy. This is so devastating I cannot imagine the pain and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this time.

 

[Deelight]

Circe I am so deeply sorry for you both my thoughts and prayers are with you all.

*HUGS*

 

[vespergirl]

Circe, I am so very sorry for your tragic loss. My heart breaks for you & your husband, and you are in my thoughts.

Waxing and Seastar, I am also so saddened to hear about your losses as well.

What an awful thing for all of you to have to go through. I wish that there were some way I could better express my condolensces for all of you.

 

[AdiS]

Circe, I am so sorry for your loss. You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Lorelei]

Thoughts are with you....

So desperately sorry Circe.

 

[dani13]

Oh CIrce, I am so very sorry for you loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband. *HUGS*

 

[drk]

Boy, is it burning me up to read of the stories from those with losses closer to term who were denied pain relief during labour.
I'm in anesthesia, and have participated in the deliveries of stillborn babies, both from the OB side of things during my internship year (I was crying at the foot of the bed along with the young couple when they delivered their term stillborn baby, who had possibly died from some complication from the mother's type 1 diabetes - the poor woman kept asking everyone if it had been her fault, and no one could tell her whether it had been the diabetes or something else) and from the anesthesia side of things. We regularly do good heavy epidurals for women who are delivering their stillborn child and want to feel as little as possible during the delivery. They have enough mental anguish to go through, why should they suffer physically too? If they don't want an epidural, we regularly prescribed patient-controlled analgesia, so that they could push a button and get a dose of short-acting narcotic if the pain was getting to be too much.

Circe - I'm amazed that you're able to be so eloquent and empathetic when your loss is so fresh. It sounds like you and your DH are doing a great job of supporting each other. I hope you do have lots of friends and family IRL who are able to help you heal in whatever way you need. And don't worry about anyone being offended if you didn't write something personal back to each response - the point of this thread is to be here for you.

 

[blushingbride]

Circe - so sorry to hear of your loss. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your DH. I came to PS after my 8 week miscarriage and started a thread of my own on miscarriage (and TTC after having one) link. You should read it, it''s a good thread. Talking to other women who went through what I did truly helped me to heal. I was amazed by the outpouring of support I received. Take time to grieve your loss and know that you are not alone in this.