Stillbirth thread?

[waxing lyrical]

If you need support there are plenty of forums. The place I can "home" is the pregnancy/birth loss forum on mothering.com. It's a pretty active forum. Some of us are expecting our rainbow baby (baby after a loss). I've become close friends with a number of mothers on there. They've been such a great support for me over these past several months.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I am so sorry for your loss. My neighbor delivered her daughter at 20 weeks. I think what helped her was talking about her not just pretending like the baby never existed. Someone gave her some wind chimes and she says when ever they ding it is her daughter. They named her and planted a garden in her honor. Not sure if any of those ideas would help you. I would let yourself grieve, cry, and really feel your loss. I wish you and your DH all the best.

 

[drk]

Circe - I''m so sorry to hear of your loss. 8.5 weeks and 4.5 weeks were bad enough for me (after years of infertility), so I can only imagine how much harder it would be later on in pregnancy. I''m so reluctant to get confident or attached to my current pregnancy because of the previous losses.
I don''t think that starting a thread for a loss later in pregnancy is inappropriate at all. It''s pretty clear from the title what will be discussed, and those who don''t want to read or comment can just stay away.
I think the definition of stillbirth can vary from country to country. I think that in Canada, any delivery before viability (23-24 weeks) is called a miscarriage, and anything after that a stillbirth. I know that there have been a few other women on PS who''ve been through later pregnancy losses too, so hopefully they''ll chime in here too with any words of wisdom they may have for you.
Blogging has been pretty therapeutic for me during my losses and infertility treatments, and there''s a huge community out there who are very supportive and understanding. It might be something that you want to think about getting involved in later on. I hope the physical pain starts to subside soon, so that you can have more energy to focus on your mental recovery.
My thoughts are with you.
Kate

 

[bee*]

I''m so sorry to hear that Circe. Take care of yourself.

 

[Mrs]

Circe, Your loss makes me very sad. I''m very sorry your little one is no longer here. You and your family are in my thoughts.

Mrs

 

[April20]

I''m so sorry to hear about your loss. It breaks my heart to hear this. Please take care of yourself.

 

[lauralu]

I am so sorry for the loss of your little one..

 

[Camille]

I''m very sorry Circe, sending prayers, good vibes and lots of love, please remember that you''re not alone.

 

[robbie3982]

I''m so sorry for your loss circe

 

[Burk]

I am so terribly sorry for your loss!

 

[Siamese Kitty]

Oh no.

Circe, I can''t even begin to imagine how you feel. I am so very sorry that you and your husband are going through such a painful time.
I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[Circe]

You guys are all wonderful. Thank you for posting with your experiences, and your sympathies. I went out to a local store called "The Wizard of Bras" to find a supportive garment or two to support the pain, and I came back to find an outpouring of support that brought tears to my eyes (seriously, and in a good way).

(Also, if, god forbid, you ever find yourself in a situation like this, or just in SoCal and looking for a bra, let me recommend that shop, since they were sympathetic and professional. The milk coming in hurts more than I would have thought possible - Isaku, do you know the name of the medicine you''re thinking of? My doctor said the only one out there had a significant risk of stroke, and figured it wasn''t worth it for me ... if there''s an alternative, I would *love* to know of it, since I''m alternately using compression, ice packs, hard drugs, and booze (cautiously, I swear, and not in conjunction), and, at best, I only get an hour or two of relief.)

This really has been a nightmare, through and through. I''ll post a general overview, just in case anybody ever looks this topic up because they need to know what to expect (and, somewhat selfishly, because I think letting it out might be a little like lancing an infected wound - gets the poison out).

We went in to the gynecologist on Friday expecting everything to be fine. I''d actually told my husband that he could skip it, if he was stressed about work: in retrospect, I am so very glad he did not take me up on it. We had gone in for amnio. on Monday of that week, and it had gone as well as could be expected: we saw the baby bopping around in there, sucking his thumb and crossing his hands behind his head, got confirmation of his gender, and the bad news of my having placenta previa ... which my usual doctor said was no big deal when I called her the next day. I did have some cramps the next day, but only 6 in 1 hour, and she said it wasn''t a big deal, and that she''d see me Friday. The only reason I even had the appointment was that we were planning a long flight, and I wanted to be sure I was okay to travel. Will break the post up here, just so it doesn''t get too tl:dr (and maybe to get something to eat - I have no appetite, but I''m vaguely aware I ought to). Back in a bit.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Circe I meant to post earlier that when Indy lost her twins last winter I started a support thread for her... she talks a bit there about her feelings after the loss and others talk about their own experiences. If it isn''t too painful to read (the thread started before she lost her boys, when she went into pre-term labour at 19 weeks), it may offer some solace. https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/prayers-and-positive-wishes-needed-for-our-friend-independent-gal.96755/

Lidsay also wrote in the pg thread about her experience losing her daughter at full term. When I have time I will go back and find where she posted her thoughts and feelings. Again, it may be hard to read but it may also help you.

 

[Mara]

Circe your last post gave me chills because we are scheduled for our amnio on Monday...and I am already really nervous about it. I have to ask...do you think that the amnio is what caused it? I know there can be complications. Or does the doctor think it was something else? Do they even tell you that? Did you get the amnio because you had a screen positive in early testing?

I am already questioning my choice to get the amnio...and we are also leaving for a cross-country flight 5 days afterwards. They say don't fly for 3 days, but I am kind of nervous about 5 also. So your post really has me a bit rattled...any other information you feel comfortable giving would be so wonderful.

 

[Circe]

Date: 8/11/2009 7:57:25 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie
Circe I meant to post earlier that when Indy lost her twins last winter I started a support thread for her... she talks a bit there about her feelings after the loss and others talk about their own experiences. If it isn't too painful to read (the thread started before she lost her boys, when she went into pre-term labour at 19 weeks), it may offer some solace. https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/prayers-and-positive-wishes-needed-for-our-friend-independent-gal.96755/


Lidsay also wrote in the pg thread about her experience losing her daughter at full term. When I have time I will go back and find where she posted her thoughts and feelings. Again, it may be hard to read but it may also help you.

Dreamer, thank you so much for posting the link - I will read it carefully. I think hearing about other women's experiences does make it better for me, weirdly, just by knowing I'm not the only one.

And, ETA: I just noticed on re-reading: thank you, third-hand, for starting a support thread for another woman in this position. That was very kind of you, and I know I appreciate it at one remove.

 

[Circe]

Date: 8/11/2009 7:58:54 PM
Author: Mara
Circe your last post gave me chills because we are scheduled for our amnio on Monday...and I am already really nervous about it. I have to ask...do you think that the amnio is what caused it? I know there can be complications. Or does the doctor think it was something else? Do they even tell you that? I am already questioning my choice to get the amnio...and we are also leaving for a cross-country flight 5 days afterwards. They say don''t fly for 3 days, but I am kind of nervous about 5 also. So your post really has me a bit rattled...any other information you feel comfortable giving would be so wonderful.

Mara, that''s a really good question to ask. All I can say is ... follow your gut. Even if it''s a completely last-minute decision, do whatever *you* think is best.

At the end of the day, I think I made the right choice. My husband and I talked and talked and talked about it ... and at the end of the day, we decided that if we were that 1 in 1600 couple (the latest statistic) who suffered a miscarriage because of amnio., or if we got bad results from it and had to abort, it would be worth it. We figured we could recover from a miscarriage, stillbirth, or late-term abortion, but we didn''t think, either of us, that we''d be able to survive watching our child suffer if it had trisomy 18 or 13.

I actually went out of my way to schedule my amnio. with the doctor who did my nuchal translucency test, and when I showed up, it was a different doctor. She struck me as highly competent, and she answered all of my questions about her success rate with the procedure, and my husband watched every second of it on the monitor, and I didn''t rupture or miscarry (usually, what goes wrong is that it brings on early labor, inside of a week, according to my usual doctor).

Instead, sometime between Monday and Friday, my baby''s heart stopped. On the scan, the amnio. doctor said there were two tiny calcifications in the baby''s heart (sometimes signifiers for tris 1, so maybe those caused it? Or maybe I really was that rare, 1 out of 1600 statistic. We don''t know yet - we haven''t gotten the amnio. or the pathology report yet. My husband thinks it may have just had a congenital condition that would have caused its death anyway: I think that, regardless of whether it was congenital or amnio.-induced, I''d make the same choice all over again.

The only thing I wanted was to keep my baby safe from pain, and, at the end of the day, in a sick way, at least that much is clear: there are no pain receptors at 18 weeks, and the baby never suffered. Me and my husband, we''re adults. We can cope. We''re suffering, but between friends and family and internet friends ... we''ll get by. If I was posting 5 months from now and the baby was in pain ... I have so much respect for parents who survive that that I just have no words, but I think I would go mad. But now I''m rambling ... I''ll try to cover what happened, and then go back to answer questions and thank people for suggestions (and if I take a while doing it, I am sorry - I keep bouncing around for pain meds and making sure my husband in okay, too). Again, I am *so grateful* that this community is here.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Circe - I am so sorry for your loss. We are all here to support you in your time of need. Please take care of yourself. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[icekid]

Just wanted to offer my condolences, Circe. I cannot even imagine the heartbreak. Hugs to you!

 

[waxing lyrical]

Circe, here is a post on glow in the woods on how to stop lactation. It brings up the drug that was commonly prescribed to dry up breastmilk. It''s no longer prescribed. It was never mentioned to me and I don''t think I''ve read about other mothers taking it. The site also contains a list of baby loss blogs. I believe mine is on there now (Sunshine After A Rainy Day).

Good thing you went out and got a supportive bra. I got some sports bras, but wasn''t prepared to grow 3 cup sizes. They were ginormous and didn''t "fit" inside my bras at all. The cabbage leaves helped and I SO wish I started drinking the sage tea sooner. I didn''t start drinking it until a few days after it came in and I noticed a difference within a day. It took about 7 days for the engorgement to fully wear off. My milk came during the very early hours of day 4.

 

[Allison D.]

Circe, I'm so very very sorry for your loss. I'm humbled at the clarity and eloquence of your post responding to Mara even at a time when you're emotionally hurting.

Your children.....the son you're now grieving and the children I'm sure you'll have when it's right.....have been blessed with an amazing mother.

 

[ljmorgan]

Circe, I am so very sorry that your baby is not with you right now. I can think of no worse hell than what you''ve gone through -- the birth of your silent baby, your milk coming in... somehow you will survive. I gave birth to my daughter on April 14 and she was stillborn -- it was 17 weeks ago today actually. There is nothing more painful than losing a child. My husband and I had so carefully prepared for this baby, had wanted her so badly. We held our perfect 8 lb. daughter for two days and it was so tragically bittersweet. Tears stream down my face as I write this. There are some days still where no, I cannot get out of bed. But most days are good, and it is getting slightly easier. Please be kind to yourself, the "what if I had done such and such" can be exhausting, I hope that you don''t go down that road. Make sure that you and your husband take care of each other, these later losses can be so damaging. If you want to ever want to chat I''m always around pricescope.

waxing lyrical, I love the term rainbow baby. It seems so appropriate. The idea of baby number two is often the thing that my husband and I find can keep us going. I am amazed that we have any sort of hope for the future. I imagine that your hope is growing by the day as December approaches. We are trying for our rainbow baby this month, and I should be ovulating tomorrow... the very day last year that we conceived Natalie. We are hoping.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Circe - I''m so sorry for your loss.

 

[HOUMedGal]

Circe, I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. I cannot possibly know how you feel, having never been there myself, but you have my deepest sympathies. I think there is nothing at all wrong with starting this thread....sharing your story and being able to hear how others in similar situations felt and dealt with their losses can be a big part of the healing process. I will be keeping you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers!!

 

[puffy]

i am so very sorry for your loss. my heart goes out to you. i have no experience or advice, but just wanted you to know that my thoughts are with you.

 

[waxing lyrical]

Lindsey, I''ve been thinking about you and wondering how you''ve been doing. I don''t think there''s a pm function on here. Lots of baby dust and good vibes for you. It will be bitter sweet come December since I''m due with Grayson six days after I was due with Duncan. From the beginning I knew I wanted to bring home a baby in the November/December time frame. It sort of feels like everything will right itself and my arms will be full after having been empty for what has felt like an eternity. I just have to stay positive.

What was challenging at first was accepting that in order for there to even be a Grayson Duncan had to die. When I think about Grayon sharing part of his brother''s essence I''m reminded that he''s not completely gone. Part of him will always be with us.

 

[Laila619]

Circe, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart and thoughts go out to you and your DH during this painful time.

 

[fieryred33143]

Circe honey I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you and your husband can find peace during this time. I think this thread is a great idea. Family also includes those loved ones that we have lost and we all deserve a place to talk about how we are feeling.

 

[lyra]

I''m so sorry Circe. My thoughts are with you. This happened to my mom too, at 5 1/2 months. We never really talked about it, but it must have been incredibly disheartening for her too. In fact, I was the result of her next pregnancy. Take care.

 

[SeaStar]

Hi Circe. I''m so sorry to hear of your loss and I remember your pain all too well. I lost my son at 39.5 weeks for unknown reasons. I had a less than stellar induction and the doctor on call was cold and rough, but the compassion I received from the nurses was unparalleled. It was the most painful thing I''ve ever been through. I closed my eyes when I delivered him and I didn''t want to see him at all at first, but my nurses talked me into it and I''m glad that they did because looking back I really cherish those moments. The first few weeks were the hardest when I got home. I went through different stages of grief, but mostly I felt so empty and it felt so wrong to be home with life going on normally. At night I had to sleep with the light and television on because I kept seeing his face in my sleep. It was really hard and I felt so alone. My best advice is to surround yourself with the people and things that comfort you. Forgive people in advance for the advice they''re going to give you. Everyone is at a loss for words in a situation like this. The worst things I heard were "at least you''re young and can always have another", and "there must have been something really wrong with so he''s better off in heaven." The best things people can do for you is to just sit and listen when you need it, and to wrap their arms around you and hold you for awhile. The key to healing is time. It''s been 7 years this past July since I lost my son and I still don''t really talk about it in person and it''s still hard to say his name out loud but I can do it. It''s going to be one of those subjects that will always be too painful, though it does get easier as the years pass by and the pain does dull to an ache. I''m here though if you ever need an ear to listen or have questions. I''m thinking of you.

 

[Linda W]

Circe, I am so very very sorry for your loss. My heart is breaking for you and your husband. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you, in your time of sorrow.

Much love to you,
Linda