Stillbirth thread?
- Thread starter Circe
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phoenixgirl
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Circe,
Good luck with the move. I hope it goes as smoothly as those types of things can. I''m sure you''ll love NY.
Re Ambien ~~ we suspect that it played a role in my dad''s suicide. I learned after the fact he was doubling his doses sometimes because he still couldn''t sleep. It can''t hurt to double-check (and take no more than the prescribed dose, obviously). Our estate lawyer put the question of suing doctors and/or drug companies to us (dad was also on an antidepressant with similar warnings and had just had the prescription doubled a few days before -- I think I blocked out the name), and while that just seemed like bad karma and not something any of us wanted to do, I do recognize that the more of a stink people make, the more seriously doctors and people will take those warnings. The doctor said, well, people who are prescribed these drugs are already more prone to suicidal ideation (antidepressants yes . . . but Ambien?).
I continue to be amazed by your strength and eloquence and wisdom.
Good luck with the move. I hope it goes as smoothly as those types of things can. I''m sure you''ll love NY.
Re Ambien ~~ we suspect that it played a role in my dad''s suicide. I learned after the fact he was doubling his doses sometimes because he still couldn''t sleep. It can''t hurt to double-check (and take no more than the prescribed dose, obviously). Our estate lawyer put the question of suing doctors and/or drug companies to us (dad was also on an antidepressant with similar warnings and had just had the prescription doubled a few days before -- I think I blocked out the name), and while that just seemed like bad karma and not something any of us wanted to do, I do recognize that the more of a stink people make, the more seriously doctors and people will take those warnings. The doctor said, well, people who are prescribed these drugs are already more prone to suicidal ideation (antidepressants yes . . . but Ambien?).
I continue to be amazed by your strength and eloquence and wisdom.
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Thank you all so much - and particularly, Phoenixgirl, thank you for talking about your loss so as to help me (and hopefully anybody else who's going through anything similar) to get through this experience. I am so sorry - I can't even imagine how terrible it must be to lose a parent to depression.
I did talk to my doctor about the whole "Please don't ever tell a depressed person that s/he is 'just sad' because that could conceivably make matters worse thing," and she actually reacted with the same basic horror and disbelief that you all did on-board that anyone could say such a thing. And she *is* a terrific doctor, overall: if it hadn't been for the fact that I *remember* first her receptionist and then her using the exact same phrase, and if I hadn't vented to my husband, and you guys, and friends about it, I'd assume I'd misheard or imagined it. As it is, I'm guessing maybe someone in the office used the phrase between themselves, and the phrasing unconsciously stuck? At the end of the day, no harm done, I guess.
I did mention the Ambien thing to her, and she seemed ruminative about it, and said she *could* prescribe other sleeping pills, but that they tended to even more in the way of side effects ... so I will just try to taper, if I can. Or take Tylenol with codeine, if I am desperate, since I have never had any effects off of that through years of fevers and pains and the occasional night of really bad insomnia.
We're stuck in an empty house waiting for our red-eye flight tonight, so maybe I will finally come back and post the stillbirthing experience itself, and get it out like I wanted before we leave, but if I don't, thank you all again for such kindness.
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So, while hubby''s out getting dinner, let''s see if I can (to make a grisly pun) be delivered of this experience.
After the first dose of Cytotec, my doc and nurse offered me an epidural immediately. They basically said, "Don''t be a hero, there''s no point to suffering," but in my case, it felt worth it to remain ambulatory. For the next 7 hours or so, from 8 in the morning to 3 in the afternoon, I had moderate cramps from once every half hour to once every ten minutes or so. I''d say about on a par with having medium period cramps, honestly: the blood pressure cuff squeezing down hurt more. The worst part of those 8 hours was that my body was probably going into shock or something, because I was FREEZING - if I had to get out of bed to go to the bathroom, I''d spend the next ten minutes shivering and literally moaning uncontrollably and begging for more and more blankets. At one point, I was literally under 20 or so of those skimpy hospital blankets.
If I was going to give practical, all-purpose, any-woman going through this advice, I would say, a) bring your own blanket from home that is actually *warm,* and b) keep in mind that they only allow clear foods in-hospital whenever there is *any* chance of needing surgery (we''re talking mucho-long shot if the Cytotet didn''t work and I needed a C-section), cause I basically spent 24 hours living off of Jello, the worst broth I''ve ever tasted, apple juice, and Mento''s.
After 3, I got my 2nd dose of Cytotec and my first offer of morphine: while this obviously wouldn''t be tenable for the birth of a living child, I *think* it made things easier for me. At any rate, I didn''t feel truly tooth-gritting pain until the last hour or so of labor, and it seemed to help keep me warm.
Around 10, I started feeling more serious contractions, 5 minutes or so apart, and around 2, they hurt badly enough that I wanted a second dose of morphine within 2 hours (previous doses had been 4 apart). As I was pressing the call button, I felt my water break, and almost simultaneously, the baby emerged. Around 11, I had felt a faint gush of fluid that I''d thought was my water breaking. In point of fact, that was a mistake: the nurse had checked me and thought not, and once I felt it, man, I felt it. When they coined the word "gush," having your water break in labor is what they had in mind. It was completely unexpected, and uncontrollable, and powerful.
The doctor had asked me previously if I''d wanted to hold the baby when it was born, and my gut reaction had been no, because, well ... it was dead. It had already been dead for some time, and (I know other women feel differently, and I hope that no one imputes any judgment whatsoever from this) given the circumstances, I felt it would be somewhat macabre. But it was about half an hour from when I delivered the baby to when the doctor got there to take it from between my legs beneath the blankets, and lying there and feeling it - him - still attached to me and knowing I shouldn''t look has probably been the worst experience of my life.
For what it is worth, when the doctor did arrive, she said that he was somewhat, ah, decomposed (my word, not hers), and everybody concerned thought it had probably been the right decision.
Afterwards, though I''d delivered the baby, my placenta (my stupid, stubborn, previa-ish placenta which had started my being worried) stayed attached. The doctor tried to coax it out, and my god! That hurt. Considerably worse than the delivery, actually: my rather hack-ish statement to my husband at some point later was that it felt like someone tugging on the tethers of my soul, but, honestly, it is an *organ* - no one should try to pull at it like it''s a half-loose tooth.
So the doctor called in the anesthesiologist (who I think had no idea why I was there, as he was weirdly bluff and hearty at the hour of three or so), and they wheeled me into a surgery and put me under and when I woke up, everything was done. They rolled me back to my room, brought me a sleeping pill an hour or so later that carried me through into the next day, and then, when I came home, I started writing about it.
I don''t think I''ll write much more about it in this post - thank yous, and answers to any questions anybody might have about (god forbid) similar experiences, and ongoing conversations continued, yes, but that''s the whole experience in a long-winded nut-shell. It''s been very cathartic to me to write about it, and to have all of you supporting me - each and every one of you! - and we''re leaving for the airport in about half an hour. Cliched as it sounds, hopefully we''ll leave all the bad behind, and carry only the good into the next bit of our lives, including the good bits of pregnancy, and being supported by loved ones, but maybe trying to leave the depression, etc., right where it lies with this little bit of closure. Again, I thank you all.
After the first dose of Cytotec, my doc and nurse offered me an epidural immediately. They basically said, "Don''t be a hero, there''s no point to suffering," but in my case, it felt worth it to remain ambulatory. For the next 7 hours or so, from 8 in the morning to 3 in the afternoon, I had moderate cramps from once every half hour to once every ten minutes or so. I''d say about on a par with having medium period cramps, honestly: the blood pressure cuff squeezing down hurt more. The worst part of those 8 hours was that my body was probably going into shock or something, because I was FREEZING - if I had to get out of bed to go to the bathroom, I''d spend the next ten minutes shivering and literally moaning uncontrollably and begging for more and more blankets. At one point, I was literally under 20 or so of those skimpy hospital blankets.
If I was going to give practical, all-purpose, any-woman going through this advice, I would say, a) bring your own blanket from home that is actually *warm,* and b) keep in mind that they only allow clear foods in-hospital whenever there is *any* chance of needing surgery (we''re talking mucho-long shot if the Cytotet didn''t work and I needed a C-section), cause I basically spent 24 hours living off of Jello, the worst broth I''ve ever tasted, apple juice, and Mento''s.
After 3, I got my 2nd dose of Cytotec and my first offer of morphine: while this obviously wouldn''t be tenable for the birth of a living child, I *think* it made things easier for me. At any rate, I didn''t feel truly tooth-gritting pain until the last hour or so of labor, and it seemed to help keep me warm.
Around 10, I started feeling more serious contractions, 5 minutes or so apart, and around 2, they hurt badly enough that I wanted a second dose of morphine within 2 hours (previous doses had been 4 apart). As I was pressing the call button, I felt my water break, and almost simultaneously, the baby emerged. Around 11, I had felt a faint gush of fluid that I''d thought was my water breaking. In point of fact, that was a mistake: the nurse had checked me and thought not, and once I felt it, man, I felt it. When they coined the word "gush," having your water break in labor is what they had in mind. It was completely unexpected, and uncontrollable, and powerful.
The doctor had asked me previously if I''d wanted to hold the baby when it was born, and my gut reaction had been no, because, well ... it was dead. It had already been dead for some time, and (I know other women feel differently, and I hope that no one imputes any judgment whatsoever from this) given the circumstances, I felt it would be somewhat macabre. But it was about half an hour from when I delivered the baby to when the doctor got there to take it from between my legs beneath the blankets, and lying there and feeling it - him - still attached to me and knowing I shouldn''t look has probably been the worst experience of my life.
For what it is worth, when the doctor did arrive, she said that he was somewhat, ah, decomposed (my word, not hers), and everybody concerned thought it had probably been the right decision.
Afterwards, though I''d delivered the baby, my placenta (my stupid, stubborn, previa-ish placenta which had started my being worried) stayed attached. The doctor tried to coax it out, and my god! That hurt. Considerably worse than the delivery, actually: my rather hack-ish statement to my husband at some point later was that it felt like someone tugging on the tethers of my soul, but, honestly, it is an *organ* - no one should try to pull at it like it''s a half-loose tooth.
So the doctor called in the anesthesiologist (who I think had no idea why I was there, as he was weirdly bluff and hearty at the hour of three or so), and they wheeled me into a surgery and put me under and when I woke up, everything was done. They rolled me back to my room, brought me a sleeping pill an hour or so later that carried me through into the next day, and then, when I came home, I started writing about it.
I don''t think I''ll write much more about it in this post - thank yous, and answers to any questions anybody might have about (god forbid) similar experiences, and ongoing conversations continued, yes, but that''s the whole experience in a long-winded nut-shell. It''s been very cathartic to me to write about it, and to have all of you supporting me - each and every one of you! - and we''re leaving for the airport in about half an hour. Cliched as it sounds, hopefully we''ll leave all the bad behind, and carry only the good into the next bit of our lives, including the good bits of pregnancy, and being supported by loved ones, but maybe trying to leave the depression, etc., right where it lies with this little bit of closure. Again, I thank you all.
luckystar112
Ideal_Rock
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Circe, thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so, so sorry that you had to go through such a painful experience. I'm sorry for every woman who has had to experience this.
Your story has helped me in an unconventional way: My mother, at the age of 17, had to endure giving birth to a baby that had died in her womb at 8 months. She has never talked about it--ever, though she does remember "Angel's" birthday every year. I know that she must have felt very alone--without even a minute of counseling to help her through it or any explanation as to why it happened. It could explain a lot about how she became the person she is today.
I am just thankful that we are starting to find answers for these sort of things and women have more resources available to them to help with the physical and emotional pain. I hope that doesn't sound like I'm brushing off YOUR pain, because I know it is very real.
I must ask, is it standard procedure to have that long of a lapse between delivery and the retrieval of the baby? It seems unnecessarily cruel and careless. My heart aches just reading it.
Please, have a safe trip. We'll all be thinking of you!
Your story has helped me in an unconventional way: My mother, at the age of 17, had to endure giving birth to a baby that had died in her womb at 8 months. She has never talked about it--ever, though she does remember "Angel's" birthday every year. I know that she must have felt very alone--without even a minute of counseling to help her through it or any explanation as to why it happened. It could explain a lot about how she became the person she is today.
I am just thankful that we are starting to find answers for these sort of things and women have more resources available to them to help with the physical and emotional pain. I hope that doesn't sound like I'm brushing off YOUR pain, because I know it is very real.
I must ask, is it standard procedure to have that long of a lapse between delivery and the retrieval of the baby? It seems unnecessarily cruel and careless. My heart aches just reading it.
Please, have a safe trip. We'll all be thinking of you!
Dreamer_D
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Circe, I read your story and I can only imagine how terrible it must have been as you waited for the doctor to come and get your son. I think I would have felt like you, that he had passed and that there was no good to be had from lookng at his body -- I didn''t want to see my grandfather after he passed either. But the urge to look must have been so strong. What a terrible push-pull that must have been.
I hope that NY isa fresh start. You will never forget this experience, nor should you, but hopefully in a new city there will be enough new beginnings to help you move forward.
I hope that NY isa fresh start. You will never forget this experience, nor should you, but hopefully in a new city there will be enough new beginnings to help you move forward.
Mara
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Circe, no one should ever have to go through that experience, and it is sad that women have to suffer so. I offer a strident echo to your hope that the move will leave the bad behind and let you remember mostly the good. I also want to say a heartfelt thank you again for your candid, open attitude about answering my questions at a very hard time. You are stonger than you know...and if you DO already know you are strong, well...you are stronger than most people I know. I know that strength will continue see you through this. Best wishes to you and your husband in this next leg of your life journey together.
Miscka
Brilliant_Rock
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Circe, I just wanted you to know that you are still in my thoughts, daily. I very much (selfishly, perhaps, as I am a worrier) hope that you continue to let us know how you are. I also hope that you and your DH have a good move to NY and that it proves to be the fresh start you are hoping for.
Italiahaircolor
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Oh Circe...I am so, beyond words, sorry for your loss. You, your DH and baby are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so, so sorry
.
drk
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Circe - you are one tough, resourceful lady. I really hope that the really icky part of the depression gets left behind, and that all the things you''ll have to take care of with the move are a helpful distraction to you. Good luck finding a nice place to live and settling in in your new city! Wishing you all the best.
Kaleigh
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Thanks for sharing all that you have Circe. You amaze me with your strength. I think this will help other's who may not post but are going through the same thing.
I wish you all the best going forward, and pray you have a LO down the road.. Sending more prayers of comfort and strength your way.....
I admire you a lot..
I wish you all the best going forward, and pray you have a LO down the road.. Sending more prayers of comfort and strength your way.....
I admire you a lot..
waxing lyrical
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On the topic of stillbirth, a lady in a stillbirth group I visit has lost her son. She was just shy of 25 weeks. She lost her daughter at 24 weeks last June. I''m just . . . speechless and heartbroken. The moment I saw her update (she went to the hospital due to lack of movement and she couldn''t locate his heartbeat on the doppler) my heart just sank and I bawled.
We belonged to the same due date group and my worst fear since the start of this pregnancy is losing another baby. I can''t believe she''s going through this again.
somethingshiny
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waxing lyrical~ My heart goes out to your friend.
Circe~ Obviously this will take much time to heal from, but in your posts it looks like you''re doing much better. You really do have amazing strength! Continued prayers of healing for you, and more for a successful pregnancy in the future.
Circe~ Obviously this will take much time to heal from, but in your posts it looks like you''re doing much better. You really do have amazing strength! Continued prayers of healing for you, and more for a successful pregnancy in the future.
NewEnglandLady
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Cirque, I also wanted to offer my condolences, I am simply in awe of your strength and think you and your DH are truly amazing people. You are going to make a wonderful mother one day.
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Date: 8/23/2009 11:00:18 AM
Author: waxing lyrical
On the topic of stillbirth, a lady in a stillbirth group I visit has lost her son. She was just shy of 25 weeks. She lost her daughter at 24 weeks last June. I''m just . . . speechless and heartbroken. The moment I saw her update (she went to the hospital due to lack of movement and she couldn''t locate his heartbeat on the doppler) my heart just sank and I bawled.We belonged to the same due date group and my worst fear since the start of this pregnancy is losing another baby. I can''t believe she''s going through this again.
Waxing Lyrical, I am so incredibly sorry to hear of your friend''s loss. That is ... mind-bogglingly awful. Words just fail me. I hope that she is well-supported by friends and loved ones.
softly softly
Brilliant_Rock
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Circe I just want to say that I can only imagine how awful your experience must have been and how great your pain is, but that I am awed by the courage and grace you have shown. I am so, so sorry for your loss.
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Date: 8/21/2009 11:13:17 PM
Author: luckystar112
Circe, thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so, so sorry that you had to go through such a painful experience. I'm sorry for every woman who has had to experience this.
Your story has helped me in an unconventional way: My mother, at the age of 17, had to endure giving birth to a baby that had died in her womb at 8 months. She has never talked about it--ever, though she does remember 'Angel's' birthday every year. I know that she must have felt very alone--without even a minute of counseling to help her through it or any explanation as to why it happened. It could explain a lot about how she became the person she is today.
I am just thankful that we are starting to find answers for these sort of things and women have more resources available to them to help with the physical and emotional pain. I hope that doesn't sound like I'm brushing off YOUR pain, because I know it is very real.
I must ask, is it standard procedure to have that long of a lapse between delivery and the retrieval of the baby? It seems unnecessarily cruel and careless. My heart aches just reading it.
Please, have a safe trip. We'll all be thinking of you!
Oh, Lucky, how awful for your mother! I am so sorry, and so glad to know that she had and has a wonderful daughter like you.
As for standard vs. non-standard ... I don't know, honestly. I hope it's unusual, but I delivered in the middle of the night, when my doc was on call, but not on premises. And the nurse seemed leery to do anything without the doctor there, so ... yeah. I just don't know.
In other news, the clinical bits of the depression, as opposed to the sadness? Seems to have been the Ambien, as since now that I've stopped taking it, I've also stopped crying uncontrollably. So, hat-tip to anyone and everyone to be wary and watchful of new meds, even under circumstances like these. On the plus side, now I can function again. V. relieved about that ....
KimberlyH
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Circe, I am so glad being off the Ambien has helped with the depression. I''m sure it was quite frightening to have that thrown in with everything else you''re dealing with (but perhaps not suprising because of the circumstances). I hope the move is going well. Lots of good thoughts to you and yours.
Lilac
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Circe, just want you to know you''re in my thoughts. Your strength is amazing, and thank you for sharing your story. I hope your move goes smoothly and comes along with many positive things. I hope you continue to share with us how you''re doing.
natalina
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I am so late to this thread, but just read through the whole thing. Circe- I just have to tell you how unbelievably overwhelmed I am by your strength and grace. Thank you thank you for starting this thread and sharing your story. It has been heartbreaking to read, and I cannot put into words how much I feel for you and your husband. I pray that you continue to feel better. Sending many many hugs your way. Your posts and how you have been handling this truly amazes me.
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