So, I hope my opinion won’t be completely invalid here, but I thought I might offer a little bit of a different perspective — as a guy (but just one guy’s opinion, of course), in my 20’s, but not engaged or even really dating someone at the moment. I have purchased gifts for ladies before, and I always like to think I do well (lucky that I’m an informed PriceScoper!) - Do forgive the lengthy post.
On the issue of diamond size - Please forgive me for saying this, but I was a little upset at first to hear that you thought a .7 ct *D COLOR* stone is inadequate. When my parents got married, they were by no means rich, but also didn’t exactly have a ton of money to burn. My dad spent $3,000 on my mom’s ring, and this was in 1990. Not exactly chump change. My mother’s ring is a simple 14k yellow gold ring with a .5 ct diamond. And it’s most certainly NOT a D color. And my father paid for the upgrade from .25 to .5ct. They've now been married almost 30 years and the ring is in no way indicative of how our lives have been. In fact my mom enjoys keeping it put away so she doesn't even wear it. It doesn't offend my dad (and hopefully your husband isn't offended if you actually do talk to him about it). My dad doesn't buy my mom much jewelry and if he does it's simple and mostly inexpensive.
I did my best to put myself in your husband's shoes. I don't think it's what I'd do but I see where the line of thinking comes from. To put it into a car analogy... it seems a little like buying you an SUV vs the two door Ferrari. What he bought you may not be the biggest - but it's as good as it gets quality wise in his mind - and more than just in his mind. As good as it gets on the actual scale. You may not be able to afford the 7 series BMW (3 carat D color), but the 3 series is in reach (your .7 ct d color), and in his mind that's better than a utility suburban (3 carat, J color).
If I were your husband and heard you didn't like your ring, I might not be happy. But it wouldn't be unhappiness at you - I'd feel bad that for the person whom I am supposed to know and love the most, I hadn't done what I was supposed to. But what would make me even more unhappy would be the knowledge that you've had so much apparent detestation to the point of tears for YEARS and never felt comfortable enough to tell me about it.
I save up and buy some nice jewelry for my mother for example. But at the end of the day I'm a teacher and photographer and not nearly as wealthy as some of my family. I do not know what I would feel if someone I loved felt inadequate because she didn't have a 2-3 ct diamond - something simply financially unthinkable for me right now.
It doesn't make your and your husbands story any different because you aren't wearing a diamond as heavy as someone else's. My grandmother doesn't even have a diamond in her wedding ring. But she doesn't care because she has one of the most enormous pearl collections I've ever seen - it's not only about the ring, either. She has a love for beauty and a passion for jewelry, not a love of comparison.
Case in point. A professor I had in college was a duke (yes, actual title "Duke") and his wife a princess - of somewhere basically unknown and probably barren now, but still. His wife had an 8.5ct emerald cut center diamond - something silly like E VVS2 or something. Would that make your 2-3ct friends upset? Liz Taylor had that 60-whatever carat pear ridiculousness on her finger. Someone will always have a nicer stone than you.
Just my 2c - so take with as much salt as necessary. And if you truly decide your diamond is inadequate, I'd be glad to take it off your hands. ;- ) Do hope that you find some comfort in the posts here and end up with something that you truly love.
Can you afford to get a new ring and make this one into a pendant?
If so, then I would do that. That is what I did.
Finances are not the issue. We own a house, cars, I am a lawyer and he is an established professional far along in his career. We save a significant amount of our income. That’s another reason it makes me sad that my husband didn’t go out of his way to get me a ring that felt a little more special.Not having your dream ring actually puts you in good company. I don't know many women who have rings like here on PS. Most just don't think about it much. They appreciate it because it's their e-ring, and then they get busy with life and it's not a priority with work, kids, and a home all needing attention. Some don't wear their ring anymore after a couple of years. So don't feel like you're alone and everyone but you got proposed to with a perfect ring. If it helps, I didn't get a diamond or a dream proposal in Greece, so you're two up on me.
What I think is maybe a bit different about your situation is how long and intensely you've been focused on this. You haven't had a moment of happiness since you got the ring, and that makes me sad. I do think it's not entirely the fault of the ring. You mention so many times how "no one" liked or complimented your ring. You seem to need a lot of outside validation. I worry that if you get a new ring, you still won't get those compliments you crave. You might even get judgement for upgrading so quickly. In normal circumstances, that's not something I would suggest taking into consideration, but the reaction other people have to your ring is really important to you. What if you show off your new diamond and everyone says they liked the old one better?
Have you designed your dream ring? Do you know exactly what it would take to make you happy? I think it would be helpful to know this before telling the hubby. And make sure your finances can handle it. If you're saving up for a home, or in debt, or only have a couple hundred in savings, it's not a realistic time to bring up wanting a 15K diamond (if that's the case). Not that all is lost if you can't afford a bigger diamond ring now. Looking at your picture, I think a reset would do you wonders. I don't think the thick band is doing your stone any favors.
I hope you get your dream ring. I also hope you come to the point where you don't feel the need to keep comparing what you have to other women. Sometimes happiness is a choice.
We also just bought my husband a brand new car in cash.Finances are not the issue. We own a house, cars, I am a lawyer and he is an established professional far along in his career. We save a significant amount of our income. That’s another reason it makes me sad that my husband didn’t go out of his way to get me a ring that felt a little more special.
I appreciate your reply, but it’s our money, so it’s a somewhat different situation.It’s very easy to spend other people’s money. I used to go out shopping with my rich mother all the time and pick out the most amazing furniture, cars, clothes, shoes, etc for her. My tastes are amazing when the money is not mine.
Get it recut to perfect proportions by BGD.
At 5 years, tell your husband you love your diamond SO much, you want another one just like it to put into a pendant.
At 10 years, ask for a larger, center stone to represent your 'past, present and future'. Boom. 3 stone ring - major presence.
Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. So is collecting jewelry. I didn't begin to start accumulating the things I really wanted till I'd been married for 10 years - and my taste changed radically in that time anyway. 25 years later (35 in total) and my collection has developed along with me into pieces and directions I never thought I'd be lucky enough to have. Be patient - your tastes, your finances - and sometimes your husband - will change.
Hi, i agree with what Missy wrote and want to add another voice that you're not a bad person for having these feelings. It seems like you are trying to navigate this issue with sensitivity.
We learn from a young age to acceptgifts gracefully, even if they're not what you want, bit this isn't just any gift. You have to wear it every day and there are a lot of social expectations or pressures wrapped up in it.
Some people I know who didn't love their ring just quietly put it away and only wear it on occasion. Others do a reset or buy another in a few years. Others buy a rhr more to their liking. Only you know what might be feasible for you and your husband but just know you have more choices beyond sitting with it in silence that don't necessarily require totally replacing the ring if that's too fraught.
I've seen resets work wonders and some of the most elegant and stunning rings on here feature center stones of similar size. Have you taken a look around at settings you might like? Or do you feel that wouldn't be enough to address the issue?
Finances are not the issue. We own a house, cars, I am a lawyer and he is an established professional far along in his career. We save a significant amount of our income. That’s another reason it makes me sad that my husband didn’t go out of his way to get me a ring that felt a little more special.
Finances are not the issue. We own a house, cars, I am a lawyer and he is an established professional far along in his career. We save a significant amount of our income. That’s another reason it makes me sad that my husband didn’t go out of his way to get me a ring that felt a little more special.
I was talking about your comment about him being so proud when he picked out a bigger stone for a friend’s fiancée.I appreciate your reply, but it’s our money, so it’s a somewhat different situation.
This post perfectly articulates why I can’t speak to my husband about this issue. Many men don’t understand how women feel about engagement rings, and not only that, they judge them for it.
Unfortunately, whether you love a piece of jewelery isn’t really something you can control. I have tried to appreciate it and accept it (for yeas!), but try as I might, I just don’t like it. It’s not a great feeling to be forced to wear something prominently, every day, for the rest of your life—that is meant to have so much significance and meaning—that you just don’t like. Not to mention the tremendous guilt that goes along with having these feelings, and the inability to speak up about them for fear of seeming ungrateful, spoiled, greedy, etc. Herein lies the problem.
This post perfectly articulates why I can’t speak to my husband about this issue. Many men don’t understand how women feel about engagement rings, and not only that, they judge them for it.
Unfortunately, whether you love a piece of jewelery isn’t really something you can control. I have tried to appreciate it and accept it (for yeas!), but try as I might, I just don’t like it. It’s not a great feeling to be forced to wear something prominently, every day, for the rest of your life—that is meant to have so much significance and meaning—that you just don’t like. Not to mention the tremendous guilt that goes along with having these feelings, and the inability to speak up about them for fear of seeming ungrateful, spoiled, greedy, etc. Herein lies the problem.
CMD- while she did say she is a lawyer she also said it is a one-income family (she is not currently working). the attorneys I know, had big student loans, so we may not have full picture. Regardless, doesn't sound like she can at this time buy it herself. But that is definitely an option, where if/when she returns to workforce to save up for it using her funds.
I again reiterate, it sounds like from all your responses, you are building up resentment and expecting your husband to be a mind reader! That's not fair to him. Another thing to keep in mind, yes maybe some of your friends have bigger rings, but we really don't know about their finances and whether they are being responsible. And you probably don't notice all the people in your community who have smaller rings. Frankly many women don't really care about jewelry. Many many women who are married to men who make as much or more than your husband, happily wear their size .25-1.0 carat rings happily. so he probably thinks you are someone like that. So, you need to talk Maybe you are afraid because he will say some version of no like, I already bought a ring, or I don't think that is a good use of our money. You need to listen to what he is saying, and work together to make a solution that works for both of you. The outcome will fall somewhere between: I will never get you another expensive piece of jewelry ever, to yes let's go out tomorrow and pick out the ring of your dreams! But that's marriage. Give us an update once you've talked to him.
ps I think your ring is beautiful! I actually love chunkier bands because they are comfortable and sit better on the finger.
+1 x1,000,000.
So if you still want a beautiful ring, you either need to get it yourself, or have your husband buy it for you for another significant event.
Incredible.
Nobody is forcing you to wear a dang ring.
Apologies if you felt judged; PriceScope is certainly the most non-judgmental place I've experienced, so in the interest of preserving the kindness that this amazing forum epitomizes, I'll be sure not to visit this thread again.
This post perfectly articulates why I can’t speak to my husband about this issue. Many men don’t understand how women feel about engagement rings, and not only that, they judge them for it.
Unfortunately, whether you love a piece of jewelery isn’t really something you can control. I have tried to appreciate it and accept it (for yeas!), but try as I might, I just don’t like it. It’s not a great feeling to be forced to wear something prominently, every day, for the rest of your life—that is meant to have so much significance and meaning—that you just don’t like. Not to mention the tremendous guilt that goes along with having these feelings, and the inability to speak up about them for fear of seeming ungrateful, spoiled, greedy, etc. Herein lies the problem.
That's pretty rude, no need to eye roll. This seems like a difficult situation for the OP, and it makes sense that one would want to wear their engagement ring, both as a piece of beautiful jewelry that signifies one's love and commitment to their partner, and also as a social signal on one's status as a married person. I can understand why OP would want to keep wearing the ring for what it signifies personally and socially even if she does not like the way the ring looks.
Thank you. It is a hard situation. I appreciate the support.That's pretty rude, no need to eye roll. This seems like a difficult situation for the OP, and it makes sense that one would want to wear their engagement ring, both as a piece of beautiful jewelry that signifies one's love and commitment to their partner, and also as a social signal on one's status as a married person. I can understand why OP would want to keep wearing the ring for what it signifies personally and socially even if she does not like the way the ring looks.
CMD- while she did say she is a lawyer she also said it is a one-income family (she is not currently working). the attorneys I know, had big student loans, so we may not have full picture. Regardless, doesn't sound like she can at this time buy it herself.
Why do you feel forced to wear your engagement ring????? It's just an accessory, so no one can force you to wear it...I don't like my e-ring, I wore for a couple of years for your same reasons (guilty feelings for not appreciating a gift from my beloved husband who spent on the ring half of the money he spent for my mobile phone) but everytime I looked at my cheap horrid ring I felt ashamed, humiliated and guilty at the same time;most of the times I wore it upside down because I felt less imbassed by the plain portion of the ring; the resentment towards husband was growing and growing then I realized the situation was putting my marriage at risk because I always felt angry and husband felt not adequate; I simply stopped wearing my e-ring and started wearing a nice diamond band I bought my self...you can't turn back time but you can forgive someone who failed buying a gift : a ring is just a ring, it's not worth causing toxic feelings in a marriage.
Best to you,
purplesilk
Update: we are both working, so money was not an issue before and is even less so now.
This is exactly how I feel. Of course, no one is LITERALLY forcing me to wear my engagement ring. In fact, I’ve stopped wearing it for the most part—I simply put it on for various special occasions. However, I feel strange not wearing it, but not great wearing it, either.
Please consider the word ‘forced’ redacted. I think it’s taking away from the overall message.
Really, I just needed to vent a little, and people here are so kind and clearly understand the importance of jewelery. Over Thanksgiving, my husband and I spent the day with my step-sister, who just got engaged with an incredible ring worthy of any thread on this site. I just felt so sad after have it constantly flashed in my face. Yes, it sounds very petty and silly I know, but I just can’t help the way I feel.
This is exactly how I feel. Of course, no one is LITERALLY forcing me to wear my engagement ring. In fact, I’ve stopped wearing it for the most part—I simply put it on for various special occasions. However, I feel strange not wearing it, but not great wearing it, either.
Please consider the word ‘forced’ redacted. I think it’s taking away from the overall message.
Really, I just needed to vent a little, and people here are so kind and clearly understand the importance of jewelery. Over Thanksgiving, my husband and I spent the day with my step-sister, who just got engaged with an incredible ring worthy of any thread on this site. I just felt so sad after have it constantly flashed in my face. Yes, it sounds very petty and silly I know, but I just can’t help the way I feel.