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So conflicted about my ring.

Susan Diamonds

Rough_Rock
Joined
May 7, 2017
Messages
46
Hi Everyone,

I've been married almost two years and had my ring for 3, and I do not like the ring. What should I do?

My husband got my ring in Greece, where he proposed to me in an incredibly romantic way. However, I was disappointed as soon as I saw the ring. In fact, I cried. It's not terrible, but there's nothing I like about it. It is .7 carats and D color, so needless to say he could have gotten a much larger ring for the same price. I believe he spent about $6,000 on it, including the band.

The bans was way too big for me, but we had to have a US jeweler resize it (we didn't have time to resize it it Greece). I took it to several jewelers, and they said it was over priced, poorly made, and no one seemed to like it. We tried to return it, but the Greek jeweler wouldn't take it back. We had it fixed and resized, but I still don't like it. I've gotten so few complements on it--my bachelorette party was at a drag show and the drag queens made fun of it.

Anyway, what should I do? My husband was very upset and not understanding about the ring. Should I stop wearing it? Suggest resetting it for a future engagement gift? Or is there a way to talk about upgrading a ring with your husband that won't hurt his feelings?

The whole thing just makes me sad. image.jpg
 

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MissGotRocks

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Jun 23, 2005
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I wouldn't stop wearing it but perhaps a new setting for the diamond would make you happier? It is hard not to hurt someone's feelings when you dislike something they have bought for you but if it makes you that unhappy, it is definitely worth having a conversation. What type of ring would you like to have if given the choice?
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Jun 8, 2008
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26,597
Hi there, I am sorry you are sad about your ring. I understand though and there is definitely a sensitive way to handle this situation so you are both happy IMO.

When my dh proposed (in the most romantic way too) we had never discussed it and he chose a ring all on his own. A lovely ring but I didn't love it. I am big on communication and after a day or so I told him gently that while it was a lovely ring (and it was) it wasn't the ring I saw myself wearing. At first he was disappointed but then he quickly understood and I got a different ring. Of course being the fickle (with bling only-I am true to my dh!) girl I am I have changed that ring one more time but LOL as long as we stick with the same dh right?

So I would gently bring the discussion up again and tell him how much you love him and how much you appreciate and love the energy and excitement and love he put into the proposal, the ring and the marriage. But now, after 3 years, you would just love to have the ring of your dreams just like you have the husband of your dreams. A ring that you wear proudly that says you married the love of your life. And then perhaps we can help you find the ring of your dreams and you can get a trade in on your original ring.

Good luck and remember it is all about the delivery. Be gentle, be soft and be loving and hopefully your dh will respond in kind. (((Hugs))).
 

PintoBean

Ideal_Rock
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Jul 27, 2011
Messages
6,316
Communication is key for sure!
How about resetting the diamond as a pendant so that it's "closer to your heart", and together with your DH design a new ring as your next anniversary present?
 

arkieb1

Ideal_Rock
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May 11, 2012
Messages
8,555
I had the same thought, reset the diamond into a pendant and tell your husband that you will wear it and it will always be special because of what it signifies and then save up or persuade him to allow you to buy what you want. When you have a budget and specs in mind let us know I'm sure everyone will help you find something.
 

whitewave

Ideal_Rock
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cmd2014

Ideal_Rock
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I took it to several jewelers, and they said it was over priced, poorly made, and no one seemed to like it. We tried to return it, but the Greek jeweler wouldn't take it back. We had it fixed and resized, but I still don't like it. I've gotten so few complements on it--my bachelorette party was at a drag show and the drag queens made fun of it.
I have to admit that after this description I was surprised to see your ring was just a simple solitaire, and nothing obviously offensive enough to make drag queens make fun of it or people politely pretend that they don't see it. I was expecting some kind of 'big fat greek wedding' type setting. Is there something about it in person that makes it so terrible? Is the diamond lifeless and non-sparkly? Is it just that it's smaller than you wanted? Is it the setting that you don't like? Did you want a halo or something with pave? What was it that made you cry? (if you can figure that part out it helps you to talk to DH about it).

If the stone is ok, maybe it's just a question of getting a different setting. If it's both, then maybe talk to him about selling the stone and getting something closer to what you want. But it's also a very expensive gift that he gave you with a lot of love in his heart, so I can see why he'd be hurt that you don't like it. It would be good to keep that in mind when you talk to him about it.
 

Susan Diamonds

Rough_Rock
Joined
May 7, 2017
Messages
46
I wouldn't stop wearing it but perhaps a new setting for the diamond would make you happier? It is hard not to hurt someone's feelings when you dislike something they have bought for you but if it makes you that unhappy, it is definitely worth having a conversation. What type of ring would you like to have if given the choice?
I wouldn't stop wearing it but perhaps a new setting for the diamond would make you happier? It is hard not to hurt someone's feelings when you dislike something they have bought for you but if it makes you that unhappy, it is definitely worth having a conversation. What type of ring would you like to have if given the choice?
Thanks for your comment. Honestly, this ring just looks too simple and plain. Instead, I would have preferred he tried to stretch his budget and get a larger ring, or gone for a smaller one with a nicer setting. This ring is so generic--there is just nothing unique or special about it. Also, it has a wide metal band that makes the stone look even smaller than it is. Even worse is the fact that he told me he almost bought a larger stone, but the jeweler convinced him to get the small one with the nicer color. My friends who are engaged or married all have nicer rings. It's crazy, I know, but I feel sad to have such a plain ring. You can get a ring this size for $2,000--a third of what he paid. Seems like a waste.
 

Susan Diamonds

Rough_Rock
Joined
May 7, 2017
Messages
46
I have to admit that after this description I was surprised to see your ring was just a simple solitaire, and nothing obviously offensive enough to make drag queens make fun of it or people politely pretend that they don't see it. I was expecting some kind of 'big fat greek wedding' type setting. Is there something about it in person that makes it so terrible? Is the diamond lifeless and non-sparkly? Is it just that it's smaller than you wanted? Is it the setting that you don't like? Did you want a halo or something with pave? What was it that made you cry? (if you can figure that part out it helps you to talk to DH about it).

If the stone is ok, maybe it's just a question of getting a different setting. If it's both, then maybe talk to him about selling the stone and getting something closer to what you want. But it's also a very expensive gift that he gave you with a lot of love in his heart, so I can see why he'd be hurt that you don't like it. It would be good to keep that in mind when you talk to him about it.
Thanks for responding. The drag queens made fun of it because it's small. I think these days, people who buy a ring this size try to fancy it up with a nicer setting. This ring has absolutely no wow-factor. I wasn't expecting a 3 carat diamond, but it's hard to have a ring that neither you, not anyone else seems to like. It made me cry, and makes me feel sad, because he spent so much on something I dislike, that he could have gotten something I do like for the price he paid, and that he could have afforded something else (for just slightly more) that I would have loved and adored.
 

Austina

Ideal_Rock
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I agree with the others, it should be something you love and want to wear, not something that you hate.

I didn't have an ER because I didn't want my OH choosing it for me (I just knew I wouldn't like it) and at the time, what he could afford wouldn't have been what I wanted! That sounds awful and ungrateful of me, but I really didn't see the point of having something I didn't want or wouldn't wear.

The pendant idea sounds a really good option, and if you can't afford what you really want now, set a time in the future, when you can have what you really want, and work towards it.

My husband prefers me to be honest about important purchases, otherwise it's just a waste.
 

pearlsngems

Brilliant_Rock
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Jan 4, 2010
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1,095
I was surprised when, the day after I accepted my DH's proposal, he presented me with his father's aunt's ring from her 2nd marriage in the 1930s.

We had not yet gotten around to talking about a ring, nor had we discussed rings as we dated. (We only dated 3.5 months before we were engaged!) So he didn't know that I would have liked to be included in the selection process. And I didn't know that he had a family ring to give whomever he married.

I loved rubies, yellow gold, and modern settings.
The ring I received was a diamond, white gold, 1930s illusion setting.

He had changed careers, begun an apprenticeship and money was not abundant. Of course I accepted his ring-- it was the most sensible thing to do. He said we could reset it, but I was afraid his father might be unhappy since it was an heirloom. In retrospect I am sure he would not have minded, but I just didn't want to risk starting my marriage with offended in-laws.

The illusion setting trapped every bit of dust and grime, so it didn't sparkle. The narrow band spun around on my finger. The setting snagged towels, ripped the linings of coats, etc. I endured it for 16 years, at which point one of the 4 prongs broke off and we found the entire head needed fixing. I decided enough was enough.

With DH's blessing, we bought a ruby and set it in a comfortable ring. I love it, and he loves that I love it. I never had any emotional connection with the first ring, because neither DH nor I had any part in choosing it. The ruby ring, instead, reflects my taste, and we did it together. This ring is about us.

I took the diamond, along with a diamond of the same size from a ring that used to be my mother's, and made a pair of stud earrings that I wear quite often, and which will someday be my daughter's.

Don't endure a ring you don't even like (much less love) for years, as I did. As your budget allows, either reset the diamond into a ring setting you like better (and plan an upgrade for a future anniversary maybe?), or get another ring entirely if you can afford to, and set the diamond as a pendant, or studs, or even a right hand ring.
But do something.
 

AdaBeta27

Brilliant_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 7, 2004
Messages
889
Unless that stone is very poorly cut and I1 or I2, there's no way you'd get that entire ring for $2000. You'd be looking at a minimum of about $3,000 to $3,800 just for a SI1 excellent cut diamond in that size and D or E color, then you'd have the cost of the setting on top of that.

That size of diamond does not look small on your hand in the photos. If the cut of that diamond is okay, then there are options like a bezel or a halo or a 3 stone that can increase the apparent size of the stone and frame it nicely. My e-ring was a .8ct about 5.8mm diameter and my solution was to wear it in an old fashioned '40s / '50s style illusion head. I loved that ring and it was very comfortable on my hand and made everyone else think the diamond was 1ct or larger. That setting did not trap dirt, not snag fabric. Every diamond has to be scrubbed fastidiously and regularly. Every ring needs proper maintenance and the occasional repair. If it's catching fabrics or hair, it needs a repair.

Brian Gavin recuts diamonds. You might investigate that. Tweaks might be possible without losing too much size and carat weight. But if you go all the way to modern H&A superideal AGS 000 range, it might lose a lots of weight and diameter. I own some older diamonds that are pretty but are not modern peak performers. If you pick the right setting for them, there's a synergistic effect and the setting and the diamond flatter each other. One of mine is shallow and has a window. I mounted it in a halo setting that has a peg head in it that sets the diamond up where light gets in the pavilion. It looks fantastic. Sometimes you can work with what you have and come up with a really nice solution. I am the problem solving type that studies things and doesn't buy on impulse, though. It can take study and patience and effort, but that is part of the fun for me. :)

One of the diamonds, an old one I got at a pawn shop, looks its best in yellow gold and the white metals (except for prong head) make it look sallow. Also, Certain skin tones might find that yellow or rose gold does more for them than platinum or other white metal. Keep your options open and maybe you can make that original diamond work better for you.
 

Octo2005

Brilliant_Rock
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Joined
May 23, 2016
Messages
1,036
I understand how you feel. My DH has tried to buy jewelry over the years and it has been very hit or miss. I have found that things that I didn't love, didn't get worn or worn very rarely out of a feeling of obligation.

Maybe you would like your ring better if you had a setting that you liked better. I think that your husband would understand if you preferred different setting and it would still allow to keep your stone and the sentiment behind it.
 

Tekate

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
May 11, 2013
Messages
5,595
Communication is key for sure!
How about resetting the diamond as a pendant so that it's "closer to your heart", and together with your DH design a new ring as your next anniversary present?
That was my thoughts EXACTLY! a pendant... it's wonderful have it on all the time and now it's time for an upgrade.. The way I explained to my hubster was this: I have my true and one stone hon, but I would also love some flash.. so I'd like to reset my engagement ring into a pendant and get a 3 stone wedding band type ring.. he was fine with it, also though we have been married almost 30 years.. but it did work for me.
 

cmd2014

Ideal_Rock
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Aug 6, 2014
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If the cut is decent you can halo it for a bigger look while only changing the setting. The Ritani Bellavita is one of my favorites, halo AND 3 stone look all at once, it will certainly increase the WOW factor.

belavita.jpg
Ooh, that's pretty (the setting that asscherhalo_lover posted). From your picture, the diamond itself is pretty (if maybe a bit smaller than you were hoping). So you could halo it or use it as a side stone for a 3 stone ring (3 stones for 3 years of marriage maybe?).

I also think that your stone would show to a much better advantage if you reset it into a different solitaire setting. A tapered cathedral setting (maybe with some pave down the sides) would probably show the stone off better, and you could add in a pave wedding band for a bit more sparkle. Part of the issue may be that the band style is a bit chunky and it's making the stone smaller and less lively than it should. It really is amazing the difference a good setting and a good band can make.

As for the jeweler's advice, there are often cultural factors that come into play in regard to diamond choice. Many Europeans would choose a "higher quality" (i.e., a higher colour, higher clarity) diamond over a larger one of "lower quality." In contrast, in North America people tend to be a bit more willing to sacrifice some of the less visible qualities (like colour or clarity) for size. So I can see your DH being steered towards a "better" diamond of smaller size if he bought it in Greece.

Hopefully you can find a way to get something that you both can like.
 

cmd2014

Ideal_Rock
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Joined
Aug 6, 2014
Messages
2,370
Maybe you could talk to your husband about how much you like the diamond, but not the style of the setting, or about how much you appreciated the magic and romantic proposal, but that even though the ring was something that you might have picked yourself had you been with him (even if it wasn't), now that it's on your hand you've realized that something else would probably suit you better (you have to try on clothes to make sure that they suit you, right? Because some things are beautiful on their own, but not beautiful on you.) Or that you appreciate the thought and care that he put into this, but that it's just not something that's 'you' if you are being honest with him.

Even after 18 years of marriage my DH still buys me stuff that he thinks I will like but that I hate. If it's expensive, I tell him how much I appreciate the thought, but (if it's returnable or exchangeable) I'd rather that we make sure that the money he spent is on something that I will get a lot of use out of, rather than something that I might not wear. He's gotten better over the years, but there's still the occasional misstep. Buying for someone else is hard.
 

Dancing Fire

Super_Ideal_Rock
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30,335
Thanks for responding. The drag queens made fun of it because it's small. I think these days, people who buy a ring this size try to fancy it up with a nicer setting. This ring has absolutely no wow-factor. I wasn't expecting a 3 carat diamond, but it's hard to have a ring that neither you, not anyone else seems to like. It made me cry, and makes me feel sad, because he spent so much on something I dislike, that he could have gotten something I do like for the price he paid, and that he could have afforded something else (for just slightly more) that I would have loved and adored.
What if he had spent $5K on a custom setting and you don't like the style, then what? . There goes $5K down the drain.
 

LLJsmom

Ideal_Rock
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Pendant!! Then get a new one. I know you will be able to make your husband understand. I'm sure he will just want you to be happy.
 

canuk-gal

Super_Ideal_Rock
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You've gone over your "details" for three years. Grief period over your ring.

What do you want to do?
 

Susan Diamonds

Rough_Rock
Joined
May 7, 2017
Messages
46
Ooh, that's pretty (the setting that asscherhalo_lover posted). From your picture, the diamond itself is pretty (if maybe a bit smaller than you were hoping). So you could halo it or use it as a side stone for a 3 stone ring (3 stones for 3 years of marriage maybe?).

I also think that your stone would show to a much better advantage if you reset it into a different solitaire setting. A tapered cathedral setting (maybe with some pave down the sides) would probably show the stone off better, and you could add in a pave wedding band for a bit more sparkle. Part of the issue may be that the band style is a bit chunky and it's making the stone smaller and less lively than it should. It really is amazing the difference a good setting and a good band can make.

As for the jeweler's advice, there are often cultural factors that come into play in regard to diamond choice. Many Europeans would choose a "higher quality" (i.e., a higher colour, higher clarity) diamond over a larger one of "lower quality." In contrast, in North America people tend to be a bit more willing to sacrifice some of the less visible qualities (like colour or clarity) for size. So I can see your DH being steered towards a "better" diamond of smaller size if he bought it in Greece.

Hopefully you can find a way to get something that you both can like.
Exactly! People in Europe go for smaller stones, and my ring just isn't in fashion here. You are 100% right.
 

Susan Diamonds

Rough_Rock
Joined
May 7, 2017
Messages
46
You've gone over your "details" for three years. Grief period over your ring.

What do you want to do?
I want a new ring to magically appear! Or I want the issue to come up naturally with my husband. I just don't think I could come out and ask for a different ring, even if its just the setting. I try to work it into the conversation sometimes, but he doesn't want to hear it.
 

Dancing Fire

Super_Ideal_Rock
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I want a new ring to magically appear! Or I want the issue to come up naturally with my husband. I just don't think I could come out and ask for a different ring, even if its just the setting. I try to work it into the conversation sometimes, but he doesn't want to hear it.
...I told my wife "take it or leave it" :!:
 

Calliecake

Ideal_Rock
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I want a new ring to magically appear! Or I want the issue to come up naturally with my husband. I just don't think I could come out and ask for a different ring, even if its just the setting. I try to work it into the conversation sometimes, but he doesn't want to hear it.
I guess I'm a little confused. Have you felt this way for 3 years and you won't bring up the subject with him? The chances of a new ring just appearing if you don't talk to your husband about how you feel are probably slim to none. Why not just sit him down and tell him you are unhappy with your ring and you would like to get a new one?
 

Matata

Ideal_Rock
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Sep 10, 2003
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I haven't read all the replies so if I'm duplicating something someone else said, please forgive. You stated you can't ask for a new ring/setting and trying to subtly discuss with your husband isn't working. You can keep your dissatisfaction bottled up until it eats its way out; buy yourself one or two diamond bands to wear with your current ring for added bling; buy yourself a new ring or new setting. Your husband's feelings may be hurt if you buy yourself what you want and he'll either get over it or he won't. Either way both of you is going to have to live with the consequences of your decision.
 
Last edited:

Dancing Fire

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Messages
30,335
I guess I'm a little confused. Have you felt this way for 3 years and you won't bring up the subject with him? The chances of a new ring just appearing if you don't talk to your husband about how you feel are probably slim to none. Why not just sit him down and tell him you are unhappy with your ring and you would like to get a new one?
And if he refuses then tell him you need a new husband...;-)
 

canuk-gal

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Messages
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I want a new ring to magically appear! Or I want the issue to come up naturally with my husband. I just don't think I could come out and ask for a different ring, even if its just the setting. I try to work it into the conversation sometimes, but he doesn't want to hear it.
Magic.
Natural.

Work it out.
 

LLJsmom

Ideal_Rock
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I want a new ring to magically appear! Or I want the issue to come up naturally with my husband. I just don't think I could come out and ask for a different ring, even if its just the setting. I try to work it into the conversation sometimes, but he doesn't want to hear it.
Hi Susan, I have a feeling you aren't that direct with him. How is your communication with your husband in general? Are you pretty straightforward with him about other stuff or are you very considerate, gentle and thoughtful of his feelings, and say things in a roundabout way?

It's hard for me to envision a relationship where you can't just blurt out what you want to say. And even if it hurts your feelings or his, (whoever needs to hear it), a person feels what he/she feels and they work it out. I don't know any kind of advice to give if you aren't willing to say what you feel in a clear and direct manner, especially about something you feel so strongly and so significant, except you need to be a big girl and suck it up and tell him. Straight. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness, and not rely on your non-mind-reading husband.

Thank you Susan. Yes, the stone in the pic is mine. My third one. I had the first one for 15 years. Never loved it. Never cared. Never wore it until my 15 anniversary, and then I decided WE would give me a decent 40th birthday gift and bought a 2.59 MRB. And then a couple years later traded to this one, an old european cut. THIS I LOVE.

And since you like this stone, and you are going to go rock shopping, maybe you would consider an old european cut stone. They are stunning when well cut. And there are vendors that cut their own in the current day. Victor Canera and Good Old Gold. Just FYI if you ever decide to speak up and out. :twisted:
 

Calliecake

Ideal_Rock
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Susan, I've had 5 engagement rings in 25 years, well 6 if you count the CZ I got married with. I don't count the CZ. We bought a house and paid for our own wedding so an enagament ring was put on hold until we were married 5 years. I found a 5 stone ring I wanted to buy and told my husband about it. He asked why I didn't just get a nice engagement ring instead and that's what we did. Every few years I end up getting a larger ring. The rings never just appear. I usually find something I fall in love with and we figure out a way to make it happen. He has his hobbies he spends money on and I like jewelry. If you are afraid to bring up getting a new ring due to the price of diamonds why not come up with a plan together?

I guess what I don't understand is why you aren't talking to him and telling him how you feel.
 
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