So conflicted about my ring.

[mrs-b]

Get it recut to perfect proportions by BGD.

At 5 years, tell your husband you love your diamond SO much, you want another one just like it to put into a pendant.

At 10 years, ask for a larger, center stone to represent your 'past, present and future'. Boom. 3 stone ring - major presence.

Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. So is collecting jewelry. I didn't begin to start accumulating the things I really wanted till I'd been married for 10 years - and my taste changed radically in that time anyway. 25 years later (35 in total) and my collection has developed along with me into pieces and directions I never thought I'd be lucky enough to have. Be patient - your tastes, your finances - and sometimes your husband - will change.

 

[Susan Diamonds]

Thanks, everyone, for your suggestions and help. Since many of you asked, we are a one-income household. However, we are in a high income bracket, and most of my peers wear larger rings. I suppose this is why I feel that my ring is somewhat inadequate.
Sometime in the near future, I will be going back to work. When that happens, I will probably take the advice of many of you, and bring up the idea of making some changes to the ring for an anniversary. In the meantime, I will try and appreciate the ring I have. And the husband!
Thanks again--you've all been extremely kind and understanding.

 

[LLJsmom]

Thanks, everyone, for your suggestions and help. Since many of you asked, we are a one-income household. However, we are in a high income bracket, and most of my peers wear larger rings. I suppose this is why I feel that my ring is somewhat inadequate.
Sometime in the near future, I will be going back to work. When that happens, I will probably take the advice of many of you, and bring up the idea of making some changes to the ring for an anniversary. In the meantime, I will try and appreciate the ring I have. And the husband!
Thanks again--you've all been extremely kind and understanding.

Susan, I think you have been very kind and understanding. I know some of the advice/comments can be hard to take. You seem like a very kind and wonderful woman and your husband is very lucky to have you. I know that when you do go back to work and have your own income to bring home, you will make it happen. I hope at that time you will come back to Pricescope and share your journey with us. Health and happiness to you and your husband.

 

[Susan Diamonds]

Susan, I think you have been very kind and understanding. I know some of the advice/comments can be hard to take. You seem like a very kind and wonderful woman and your husband is very lucky to have you. I know that when you do go back to work and have your own income to bring home, you will make it happen. I hope at that time you will come back to Pricescope and share your journey with us. Health and happiness to you and your husband.

Thank you so much. That means a lot. I will certainly come back when I have diamond questions in the future -- hopefully, I will

 

[whitewave]

Yes, please do come back. I came back 4 years after my first post.

 

[marcy]

Susan, I agree with what many have said - communication is the key. It sounds like either way one of you is going to be unhappy but being open and honest is always the best policy. My husband would prefer I am honest with him even if it hurts his feelings. I know he'd want me to be happy with my ring and do whatever it takes to get me something I like. You don't care for solitaires and prefer something with more bling or wow factor and there is nothing wrong with that; everyone is entitled to their personal preferences. If the diamond is decent I think a new setting is a good idea or move it to a pendant and get an entirely new diamond and ring. They aren't very popular now but a ring wrap might be something to look for to wear with your current ring. I don't think your ring or diamond look bad; it looks nice on your hand but you are the one who wears it and should like what you see when you look at your hand.

 

[rainwood]

You're making exactly the right decision. There will be a better and different time to revisit your ring and get something you love. For now, you can be happy that the man you love gave you the current one!!!!

 

[cmd2014]

Thanks, everyone, for your suggestions and help. Since many of you asked, we are a one-income household. However, we are in a high income bracket, and most of my peers wear larger rings. I suppose this is why I feel that my ring is somewhat inadequate.
Sometime in the near future, I will be going back to work. When that happens, I will probably take the advice of many of you, and bring up the idea of making some changes to the ring for an anniversary. In the meantime, I will try and appreciate the ring I have. And the husband!
Thanks again--you've all been extremely kind and understanding.

I think it's hard when you feel that you have less than your friends, especially for something that might be prized and noticed in your peer group. But maybe it's a matter of priorities - those who can spend $$$ on jewelry often choose not to and to put it towards more pragmatic things instead....and might be ahead in the end because of it. Maybe some of the ring budget went into your wonderful and romantic proposal. I'm jealous of Greece! It sounds wonderful! Maybe just being open about what you'd love in a ring (and why you feel a bit less than with yours in comparison to your friends) will be enough to prompt an upgrade for an anniversary present. Or maybe it opens a productive conversation about shared financial goals and what's important to you both. Either way, you'll probably feel better. And once you're back to work, this might look different entirely.

 

[Susan Diamonds]

I'm writing an update because a year and a half later, I'm still agonizing about this engagement ring. As before, I feel terrible when I wear it--because I don't like the ring--and I feel even more terrible from the guilt of not liking it.

To make matters worse, everyone around me, especially people getting engaged, are receiving gorgeous rings. My husband even went with his friend to help choose a ring for his friend's girlfriend, and my husband chose the ring! Of course it was much nicer, larger, etc. than the one he chose for me. And he was so proud of himself for picking it out.

I just feel so sad looking at all these amazing diamonds on this website, and feeling like I'll never have one of my own that I love. My husband actually took me to a jewelry store to buy a new band, but I couldn't bring myself to get one because the band isn't the only problem--it's the diamond too.

Ugh. Everyone here is so sweet and positive, and you seem to understand that wanting a nice ring you love doesn't make you a bad person. So I just wanted to commiserate. Thanks for listening.

 

[monarch64]

Is it REALLY the ring? Or is it something else? Be honest. If this were really about a diamond/size/quality/keeping up with the Jones' I don't think you would be back here a year and a half later.
You're anonymous. Feel free to vent.

 

[AprilBaby]

We all got the rings we really wanted so we understand. I had to wait 29 years. Why can’t you just tell the hubby you want a ring like the one he just picked. Remember, you are totally anonymous so go ahead and let it out. It might be cathartic.

 

[KristinTech]

Susan
Don't feel bad b/c I have been waiting for a 2.5ct ring for the past 20 yrs now, and still haven't gotten it yet...

@Dancing Fire ... and you still haven’t gotten to that 2.5 mark!

Susan, I’m with the others—why not tell hubby, “I’d love a ring exactly like you picked out for her!” How would he respond?

 

[qubitasaurus]

I'm writing an update because a year and a half later, I'm still agonizing about this engagement ring. As before, I feel terrible when I wear it--because I don't like the ring--and I feel even more terrible from the guilt of not liking it.

To make matters worse, everyone around me, especially people getting engaged, are receiving gorgeous rings. My husband even went with his friend to help choose a ring for his friend's girlfriend, and my husband chose the ring! Of course it was much nicer, larger, etc. than the one he chose for me. And he was so proud of himself for picking it out.

I just feel so sad looking at all these amazing diamonds on this website, and feeling like I'll never have one of my own that I love. My husband actually took me to a jewelry store to buy a new band, but I couldn't bring myself to get one because the band isn't the only problem--it's the diamond too.

Ugh. Everyone here is so sweet and positive, and you seem to understand that wanting a nice ring you love doesn't make you a bad person. So I just wanted to commiserate. Thanks for listening.

I can imagine that really stings. From a complete outside perspective it is a good sign, as it means he can at least tell the difference between what you would like and what you have. He also may be better acclimated to what it is going to cost, so he doesnt get sticker shock and reach an impass half way through. This will make things a lot easier, as it removes two major hurdles.

I dont think what you are currently feeling will go away. It might help you to sort out why you are feeling this way, then I think you'll have to keep talking to him until you address it. On this front I'd be curious if you gave stayed arround in the last 18 months and read all the threads on rocky talk and know exactly what you're looking for and far too much about daimond stats and pricing on the side? Or have you mostly had other real life interests to occupy your time? Also did you go back to work, and if yes can you approach this from maybe using some of your income to fund an upgrade, if no was it a consideration of your husbands carea which influenced that choice?

It might be that you just love filling up your instagram with a zillion pictures of rocks -- lol who here doesn't? -- and you are just enamoured with jewlery. Or maybe this represents your unhappyness about something else -- like your husband not acknowledging how important this is to you and not being able to move forward, which is very relatable. Or it may be social pressure, or a mix of everything. It might help to sort out your feelings, and also vent some of them.

 

[missy]

I'm writing an update because a year and a half later, I'm still agonizing about this engagement ring. As before, I feel terrible when I wear it--because I don't like the ring--and I feel even more terrible from the guilt of not liking it.

To make matters worse, everyone around me, especially people getting engaged, are receiving gorgeous rings. My husband even went with his friend to help choose a ring for his friend's girlfriend, and my husband chose the ring! Of course it was much nicer, larger, etc. than the one he chose for me. And he was so proud of himself for picking it out.

I just feel so sad looking at all these amazing diamonds on this website, and feeling like I'll never have one of my own that I love. My husband actually took me to a jewelry store to buy a new band, but I couldn't bring myself to get one because the band isn't the only problem--it's the diamond too.

Ugh. Everyone here is so sweet and positive, and you seem to understand that wanting a nice ring you love doesn't make you a bad person. So I just wanted to commiserate. Thanks for listening.

Aww @Susan Diamonds I'm sorry you are still feeling this way and it hasn't been resolved yet. I for one believe that yes it can be about the ring and it doesn't necessarily mean there is a deeper issue.

I was not happy with my original ER and I think I waited 2 days into the proposal to tell my FI about it lol. I have shared this story before but for your sake I am sharing it again. I am a big believer in completely honest and open communication and so yes I brought it up 2 days (maybe less) after the proposal though others told me to wait etc. Anyway my FI was not thrilled and at first he was a bit hurt as he thought he chose a lovely ring (and he did it just wasn't aesthetically the ring for me) but I approached it gently and with love (because that is how one should approach everything with those we love and adore) and made it clear it wasn't a criticism or attack on him personally but more a superficial issue but one I wanted resolved so I could wear my ring with joy. And he got it and he did everything he could to get me my dream ring.

It took a few tries but with each ER (I went through a few lol) I got a bit closer to the one I wanted. I just didn't know exactly what I wanted at the time so my FI (now dh) wasn't at fault at all. And same for you and your dh. He needs to know what you want as he isn't a mind reader and I am not sure if you spoke to him yet about the details or what has transpired over the last year plus but IMO it can be just about the ring and as PSers and as human beings in general I get it. I was like this before PS so cannot blame PS as when we got engaged PS was not in the picture (for many years after our marriage PS was not on my radar).

Take heart and there is nothing wrong with you for being unhappy with your ER.That does not make you a spoiled brat or an ungrateful person or an unloving wife. It makes you human and if you can afford to change the ring you have for a ring more to your liking why not? Sending you good wishes for a successful resolution. Remember communication is key. Our men are not mind readers and sometimes you need to just come out and say exactly what is bothering you. With love and kindness of course. Don't be afraid to share what is on your mind because if you do it with compassion and empathy and love it will be OK.

Sending you (((hugs))).

 

[bludiva]

Hi, i agree with what Missy wrote and want to add another voice that you're not a bad person for having these feelings. It seems like you are trying to navigate this issue with sensitivity.

We learn from a young age to acceptgifts gracefully, even if they're not what you want, bit this isn't just any gift. You have to wear it every day and there are a lot of social expectations or pressures wrapped up in it.

Some people I know who didn't love their ring just quietly put it away and only wear it on occasion. Others do a reset or buy another in a few years. Others buy a rhr more to their liking. Only you know what might be feasible for you and your husband but just know you have more choices beyond sitting with it in silence that don't necessarily require totally replacing the ring if that's too fraught.

I've seen resets work wonders and some of the most elegant and stunning rings on here feature center stones of similar size. Have you taken a look around at settings you might like? Or do you feel that wouldn't be enough to address the issue?

 

[partgypsy]

I feel for you. I am easygoing in a number of areas but with jewelry I am picky what I want to wear (quality of gemstones, design). I echo what others have said, that this is a marathon not a race. First of all, you need to get over the fact that he spent 6K on a piece of jewelry you don't think was worth it. Money under the bridge. It's gone. If you keep being resentful about that it will damage your marriage. Keep in mind if you were married in Greece and he was buying your ring there, the options he had were probably more limited and more expensive (but- you got married in Greece!). And he loved you so much he did try to buy what he thought was the best option at the time. While Greek Americans can be different, I have some jewelry from the Greek side of my family and the gemstones are very small, chips almost. In Greece a .7 d color diamond WOULD be considered an extravagant expensive ring. As it would be in most of the world.
Moving on. I think you need to have a heart to heart, and say while you really appreciate the sentiment behind your engagement ring, you really would like a different ring and how can we arrange finances so this is a goal we can work towards? If you want a new ring there is no way around talking to him. Not in accusatory way (you messed up), but that this is something you really want and you are willing to wait up and save to make it happen. That it is on the list. Honestly the fact that you tried to return it when you first got it, and also that he helped pick out a ring recently, may make him understand this is not coming out of the blue. Good luck.

 

[House Cat]

It’s very easy to spend other people’s money. I used to go out shopping with my rich mother all the time and pick out the most amazing furniture, cars, clothes, shoes, etc for her. My tastes are amazing when the money is not mine.

 

[ABKIS]

I understand you're not happy with your ring. But, what is it - 4+ years now??

He gave you the opportunity to change the setting and instead of at least trying, you said you couldn't because you do not like the diamond anyway. Instead of adding or changing something, you're still upset and crying about your e-ring.

I think you need to stop comparing yourself with others around you.
Get your center recut if you do not like it. Sure you'll loose some weight but the extra sparkle should outweigh the loss.
Get your ring reset.
Try on different settings.
Try your setting with different bands.
Give it a really good cleaning. Maybe it's just dirty.
Take it off an put it away for a few months. Maybe when you look at it again after months of not wearing it, you'll feel differently.

My point is - Do something about it. Show your husband this post if you cannot tell him directly what you're feeling. Of all the things that could happen, I'm pretty sure telling your husband you really do not like your e-ring isn't going to be world shattering. I'm not trying to be mean. I just really don't understand why you're not being more vocal with your husband or trying to actually do something about it if it's still bothering you.

 

[MamaBee]

I really think you should brace yourself..have a glass of wine..and tell your husband that you would like to get a new ring..that you are willing to wait to save up for it if funds don’t allow for you to get it now. If you can afford it now then tell him that you have not been happy with this ring..and let him vent but stick to your guns in a nice way. Don’t insult him but use the wise words that many have told you on here. You really need to speak up and tell him..This is festering and I’m afraid this issue will cause resentment towards him and actually damage your relationship.

 

[bludiva]

i'm just going to put some inspo rings here in case it's helpful..... .3-.9 ct centers for scale. the only one over .7ct is sledge's. i hope you're able to figure out a way to discuss with your partner and work out a resolution that makes you happy

eilonwy's ribbon ring

sledge's DKJ custom "swirly" ring

marshmellowluver's ballerina setting


bossanova's oval halo


luxe's target ring

 

[JPie]

I like where @bludiva is going with this. Us ladies with modest diamonds need to get creative. I don’t have a single diamond over 1.02ct and I love my rings. You should really consider a reset.

Example A: The center is a mediocre OEC, about 1/2 carat. High color, but the cut is asymmetrical and frankly I didn’t know better at the time. No matter; add enough diamonds and a fleur- de-lis on either side, and you’ve achieved full coverage! I’ve probably gotten the most compliments on this ring.


Example B: This cluster ring features a center OEC stone of only 0.63ct, with 1.20ctw of smaller OECs around it. The proportions work and all I see is a shiny disco ball on my finger.


Do some research and have fun with this! Bigger diamonds have flair, but that doesn’t mean that the smaller ones are crap. It just means that you’ve got an opportunity to design something really special around it.

 

[amoline]

So, I hope my opinion won’t be completely invalid here, but I thought I might offer a little bit of a different perspective — as a guy (but just one guy’s opinion, of course), in my 20’s, but not engaged or even really dating someone at the moment. I have purchased gifts for ladies before, and I always like to think I do well (lucky that I’m an informed PriceScoper!) - Do forgive the lengthy post.

On the issue of diamond size - Please forgive me for saying this, but I was a little upset at first to hear that you thought a .7 ct *D COLOR* stone is inadequate. When my parents got married, they were by no means rich, but also didn’t exactly have a ton of money to burn. My dad spent $3,000 on my mom’s ring, and this was in 1990. Not exactly chump change. My mother’s ring is a simple 14k yellow gold ring with a .5 ct diamond. And it’s most certainly NOT a D color. And my father paid for the upgrade from .25 to .5ct. They've now been married almost 30 years and the ring is in no way indicative of how our lives have been. In fact my mom enjoys keeping it put away so she doesn't even wear it. It doesn't offend my dad (and hopefully your husband isn't offended if you actually do talk to him about it). My dad doesn't buy my mom much jewelry and if he does it's simple and mostly inexpensive.

I did my best to put myself in your husband's shoes. I don't think it's what I'd do but I see where the line of thinking comes from. To put it into a car analogy... it seems a little like buying you an SUV vs the two door Ferrari. What he bought you may not be the biggest - but it's as good as it gets quality wise in his mind - and more than just in his mind. As good as it gets on the actual scale. You may not be able to afford the 7 series BMW (3 carat D color), but the 3 series is in reach (your .7 ct d color), and in his mind that's better than a utility suburban (3 carat, J color).

If I were your husband and heard you didn't like your ring, I might not be happy. But it wouldn't be unhappiness at you - I'd feel bad that for the person whom I am supposed to know and love the most, I hadn't done what I was supposed to. But what would make me even more unhappy would be the knowledge that you've had so much apparent detestation to the point of tears for YEARS and never felt comfortable enough to tell me about it.

I save up and buy some nice jewelry for my mother for example. But at the end of the day I'm a teacher and photographer and not nearly as wealthy as some of my family. I do not know what I would feel if someone I loved felt inadequate because she didn't have a 2-3 ct diamond - something simply financially unthinkable for me right now.

It doesn't make your and your husbands story any different because you aren't wearing a diamond as heavy as someone else's. My grandmother doesn't even have a diamond in her wedding ring. But she doesn't care because she has one of the most enormous pearl collections I've ever seen - it's not only about the ring, either. She has a love for beauty and a passion for jewelry, not a love of comparison.

Case in point. A professor I had in college was a duke (yes, actual title "Duke") and his wife a princess - of somewhere basically unknown and probably barren now, but still. His wife had an 8.5ct emerald cut center diamond - something silly like E VVS2 or something. Would that make your 2-3ct friends upset? Liz Taylor had that 60-whatever carat pear ridiculousness on her finger. Someone will always have a nicer stone than you.

Just my 2c - so take with as much salt as necessary. And if you truly decide your diamond is inadequate, I'd be glad to take it off your hands. ;- ) Do hope that you find some comfort in the posts here and end up with something that you truly love.

 

[LLJsmom]

Hi @Susan Diamonds
You sound like a sweetie. But I’m just gonna say it. Time to put on your big girl pants and either tell him how you feel and make something happen together or just go buy something you like and tell him after the fact. Time to take responsibility for your own happiness. More than anything else, you must tell him. This is just a ring. What will happen when it’s something more serious in life? This is just practice for the rest of your married life. Suck it up girl and go do it. PSers will do the heavy lifting and help you pick out something you will love. We await your good news!!

 

[mrs-b]

I understand that you feel demanding, or like an ungrateful person, but you've been feeling like that now for years. That's not a single situation - that's a lifestyle choice. Years of self doubt and flagellation over a piece of jewelry? That's out of proportion.

Often as women, our problem is that we want the ideal diamond ring - but we want *him* to get it, We want it to have the emotional significance of an engagement ring, but we want it to be everything we want aesthetically. Well, in general, it just doesn't work like that. And for a lot of women - they don't care. But some do, and you're obviously in that category. And there's nothing wrong with that. But since it's important to you to have a nice ring, and since it seems like your husband isn't going to guess what you want - or even perhaps get it if he does figure it out - go get it yourself. No matter *what* ring you get at this point, it's not going to be the perfect engagement ring you wanted; that ship has sailed. So if you still want a beautiful ring, you either need to get it yourself, or have your husband buy it for you for another significant event. One thing tho; I'd DEFINITELY be asking him why he steered his friend to a nicer ring than the one he got you. Some things just need to come out into the open.

But no matter what you do, either change the situation (get comfortable with the ring you have OR get one more to your taste), or accept that you're prepared to live with disappointment long term. For me, option 2 is no option at all, but it seems to be what you're choosing.

 

[qubitasaurus]

I like where @bludiva is going with this. Us ladies with modest diamonds need to get creative. I don’t have a single diamond over 1.02ct and I love my rings. You should really consider a reset.

Example A: The center is a mediocre OEC, about 1/2 carat. High color, but the cut is asymmetrical and frankly I didn’t know better at the time. No matter; add enough diamonds and a fleur- de-lis on either side, and you’ve achieved full coverage! I’ve probably gotten the most compliments on this ring.


Example B: This cluster ring features a center OEC stone of only 0.63ct, with 1.20ctw of smaller OECs around it. The proportions work and all I see is a shiny disco ball on my finger.


Do some research and have fun with this! Bigger diamonds have flair, but that doesn’t mean that the smaller ones are crap. It just means that you’ve got an opportunity to design something really special around it.

Oh my goodness, your rings literally took my breath away. I can't believe how perfectly balanced they look!

 

[JPie]

Thank you, @qubitasaurus !

 

[vintageloves]

Not having your dream ring actually puts you in good company. I don't know many women who have rings like here on PS. Most just don't think about it much. They appreciate it because it's their e-ring, and then they get busy with life and it's not a priority with work, kids, and a home all needing attention. Some don't wear their ring anymore after a couple of years. So don't feel like you're alone and everyone but you got proposed to with a perfect ring. If it helps, I didn't get a diamond or a dream proposal in Greece, so you're two up on me.

What I think is maybe a bit different about your situation is how long and intensely you've been focused on this. You haven't had a moment of happiness since you got the ring, and that makes me sad. I do think it's not entirely the fault of the ring. You mention so many times how "no one" liked or complimented your ring. You seem to need a lot of outside validation. I worry that if you get a new ring, you still won't get those compliments you crave. You might even get judgement for upgrading so quickly. In normal circumstances, that's not something I would suggest taking into consideration, but the reaction other people have to your ring is really important to you. What if you show off your new diamond and everyone says they liked the old one better?

Have you designed your dream ring? Do you know exactly what it would take to make you happy? I think it would be helpful to know this before telling the hubby. And make sure your finances can handle it. If you're saving up for a home, or in debt, or only have a couple hundred in savings, it's not a realistic time to bring up wanting a 15K diamond (if that's the case). Not that all is lost if you can't afford a bigger diamond ring now. Looking at your picture, I think a reset would do you wonders. I don't think the thick band is doing your stone any favors.

I hope you get your dream ring. I also hope you come to the point where you don't feel the need to keep comparing what you have to other women. Sometimes happiness is a choice.

 

[whitewave]

Can you afford to get a new ring and make this one into a pendant?

If so, then I would do that. That is what I did.

 

[House Cat]

If I were in a marriage where I didn’t feel comfortable enough to speak my desires, I would be upset too. You’ve been upset about this for years and you haven’t said you want to save for another ring?

Who’s fault is this?

If it is your fault because you’re too afraid to hurt his feelings or rock the boat, etc...then this entire issue is your problem. It is time to get over it and do something about it...if it truly bothers you this much.

If it is his fault because you know that he will laugh you out of the park, then you have bigger problems than a diamond ring.

 

[partgypsy]

J pie I also LOVE that first ring you posted. Beautiful design!