So conflicted about my ring.

[Susan Diamonds]

SIL and me got engaged the same day:BIL was in debt because he was paying a mortage both for house and wedding and nonetheless he bought her an expensive solitaire,her dream ring,after two years of dating;my husband had no debt,he had a wealthy salary and a lot of saved money...we were both in our early thirties and,after 8 years together, he bought me a miserable pave band because
1)it was the first ring he saw in the shop window
2)I' m practical and quite frugal so he thought I would have been really upset if he wasted more than 250 bucks on the engagement ring.
...dear OP stop the toxic circle, take a breath and start enjoying the gifts you can buy yourself.

I sincerely appreciate this thoughtful post. First of all, my finger is 5.5, but not very long or elegant, which is another reason I just don’t like the look of my ring on my finger.

Your ideas are so helpful. My husband’s birthday is October, tourmaline or opal, neither of which would be quite right as a center stone, but I like the thought of the three stone ring, or the two stone one. One problem is the diamond looks slightly too small as a center stone, and slightly too large as a side stone. I have an antique wedding band, with diamonds, so the halo would not look great with the antique band. I honestly am looking for a solution but I’ve had a hard time coming up with one that actually makes me excited enough to go do it (I don’t want to just settle for something I dislike less than my current ring).

I honestly haven’t been stewing over this for four years, but I was really feeling down about it recently and really do want a solution. I will be okay and have plenty of other things to be happy about. Also, I don’t have the specs here on my phone, but I do have them and will try and add them soon.

Meanwhile, thanks again for your help.

 

[Susan Diamonds]

SIL and me got engaged the same day:BIL was in debt because he was paying a mortage both for house and wedding and nonetheless he bought her an expensive solitaire,her dream ring,after two years of dating;my husband had no debt,he had a wealthy salary and a lot of saved money...we were both in our early thirties and,after 8 years together, he bought me a miserable pave band because
1)it was the first ring he saw in the shop window
2)I' m practical and quite frugal so he thought I would have been really upset if he wasted more than 250 bucks on the engagement ring.
...dear OP stop the toxic circle, take a breath and start enjoying the gifts you can buy yourself.

Wow. Probably better to have the practical, responsible husband (which is what I have too). But wouldn’t it be nice to have the practical husband and the impractical ring!! I will take your advice and try and let it go (or fix it).

 

[purplesilk]

Practical husband and impractical ring seem to collide...

 

[whitewave]

We also just bought my husband a brand new car in cash.

Girlfriend, what kind of diamond do you want? Shape? Carat? Let’s find you a ring!

 

[missy]

Finances are not the issue. We own a house, cars, I am a lawyer and he is an established professional far along in his career. We save a significant amount of our income.

We also just bought my husband a brand new car in cash.

What's good for the goose...


buy your own ring and get exactly what you want... as @whitewave wrote:

Girlfriend, what kind of diamond do you want? Shape? Carat? Let’s find you a ring!

 

[JPie]

Let's do this!!!

 

[whitewave]

Seriously, what is the worst thing that will happen if you buy a ring?

Will he beat you?
Silent treatment?
Mad for a week?
Divorce?

Nothing?

Pout for a few days?

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Sometimes we can make things worse in our own minds and that leads to paralysis in making decisions. Maybe you have a thought about how he will react and that is keeping you from moving forward with getting a new ring. You know what though, life is too short, what if you get a new ring and his reaction is just "that's nice, I'm glad you're happy", not so bad right? Maybe make that diamond into a pendant like someone else suggested and then get going on your dream ring. You will have lots of help and support here and well, he did just get a car so.......

 

[MamaBee]

Finances are not the issue. We own a house, cars, I am a lawyer and he is an established professional far along in his career. We save a significant amount of our income. That’s another reason it makes me sad that my husband didn’t go out of his way to get me a ring that felt a little more special.

Okay..You’re a lawyer..and make your own money. You can definitely buy your own ring..Yes..it would be nice if he got all romantic and wanted to buy you the ring of your dreams but that’s probably not going to happen....You got the nice proposal. I got the weirdest proposal ever..If he doesn’t agree with how this ring makes you feel or want to buy you a new one..I would tell him that you are disappointed that he doesn’t understand how you feel..Tell him you are going to start saving for your dream ring..Hopefully he will come around and start contributing...If he doesn’t I’m worried that you may have deeper problems with him...I’m mad at him and I don’t get mad that easily..

 

[purplesilk]

I think your husband feels as he failed an important exam: he feels not adequated and frustated because he planned a wonderful proposal but he wasn't able to steal your heart with the ring he chose...don't tell him how you dislike your engagement ring, tell him how romantic and special would be to get a brand new rock to celebrate your enduring love ...

 

[vintageloves]

I'm not against a woman buying her own jewelry, but I wouldn't jump straight to buying my own ring if I haven't taken that first step of talking to my husband about it. He isn't even being given the chance to step up to the plate. I have to think he does not know how his wife feels, because if he does it would be cruel to brag about helping his friend pick out a ring. In all likelihood, while this has been eating away at the OP, he's been in blissful ignorance.

 

[Miss Marple]

@Susan Diamonds

I just read this entire thread. I agree with the posters who have said he will never read your mind and magically buy you the ring of your dreams.

So now that you’ve had a chance to vent and you’ve said that you’ve looked but haven’t seen anything you love, maybe it’s time to start from the beginning. Figure out how to approach your husband and figure out whether you’d like him involved in your search or if you’d like to pick it out yourself and let him know what you want. Determine your budget. Even if finances are not an issue, you still need a budget.

Now, Think about what you want today. You found PS. You know about the many choices and styles of diamonds and rings. You also know that PS absolutely skews your view of “normal” when it comes to jewelry. And you know that people’s tastes evolve and change. Have you shared PS with your husband? For my husband, my time on PSmade him feel like I was educated enough to know what I wanted and get a fair deal. Since bling isn’t his thing, he was quite happy to leave the research to me.

If you haven’t done so, try on different styles. What is appealing to you on a computer screen may be very different from what is appealing on your hand. Maybe order some inexpensive CZ rings with different sizes and styles of diamond. When you’re done, I’ll bet you can find a princess-obsessed little girl who would be thrilled with your test rings. If you can, view different colors. After years of a D color stone, you might decide that icy white is it. Or maybe you’ll decide you love warmer tones.

Go from there. View it as a hobby or an adventure. Picking out the perfect diamond can be a bit of a treasure hunt. Finding the right setting for that diamond might be just as hard. Maybe harder. Take your time.

Hopefully, at the end of the process, you’ll have a dream ring.

 

[mrs-b]

I sincerely appreciate this thoughtful post. First of all, my finger is 5.5, but not very long or elegant, which is another reason I just don’t like the look of my ring on my finger.

Your ideas are so helpful. My husband’s birthday is October, tourmaline or opal, neither of which would be quite right as a center stone, but I like the thought of the three stone ring, or the two stone one. One problem is the diamond looks slightly too small as a center stone, and slightly too large as a side stone. I have an antique wedding band, with diamonds, so the halo would not look great with the antique band. I honestly am looking for a solution but I’ve had a hard time coming up with one that actually makes me excited enough to go do it (I don’t want to just settle for something I dislike less than my current ring).

I honestly haven’t been stewing over this for four years, but I was really feeling down about it recently and really do want a solution. I will be okay and have plenty of other things to be happy about. Also, I don’t have the specs here on my phone, but I do have them and will try and add them soon.

Meanwhile, thanks again for your help.

Hi @Susan Diamonds -

Reading your answers here, I think you were responding to my post earlier, not purplesilk's. You also respond to her post in your next post as well. So I suspect you meant to hit reply on mine. Having said that, and either way....

You said your soli diamond is too big to use as a sidestone. The diamond sides on my 3 stone ring are .63ct each - so not that much smaller than your .7ct. As sidestone diamonds go, the proportions are small. You can DEFINITELY have 2 x .7ct sides. I used to have 2 x .72 ct sides, either side of a 2.05ct center, and I had finger room either side of my diamonds. However, if you want to stick with Tiffany's proportions, you'll go the 1 : 2 : 1 ratio. So your ring would be .7 / 1.4 / .7 - 2.8 ctw. That is DEFINITELY not too large for a size 5.5 finger.

Seriously - take a look at the diamond I linked you to earlier and let's do this! Y'know, Christmas is coming up.... You could conceivably make an offer that would be received and get a diamond with a degree of meaning and romance behind it. It you wanted, you could get your center stone for your 5 year anniversary, making it a lovely eternity 3 stone ring with PLENTY of meaning and significance.

C'mon girl, find your voice....

 

[tkyasx78]

Find what diamond you would like and the setting you want and then once you know how big you want...

Talk to your husband.

Many/Most of us here are not wearing our original e rings exactly as they were when we married!
I started with a pretty .50 carat becuase it was what we could afford! Both of us were in college and working our way through. We paid cash and later as time went on I upgraded !
DH has his boat and trailer and vehichles and I dont care about those but he gets that he likes different things than I do. Your DH should be able to get that people like different things and you would be happier wearing a ring you have a say in picking! The .7 is a perfect size for a pendant.

There is no issue imo with a lady buying herself the ring she wants since she is the wone wearing it!. I wouldnt let dh choose what ring I am wearing just like he wouldnt send me to the dealership to pick out a new truck for him.
Let us know what he says !

 

[Starfacet]

Example A: The center is a mediocre OEC, about 1/2 carat. High color, but the cut is asymmetrical and frankly I didn’t know better at the time. No matter; add enough diamonds and a fleur- de-lis on either side, and you’ve achieved full coverage! I’ve probably gotten the most compliments on this ring.

Gah, I'm drooling over this ring!! Who is the designer @JPie ?

 

[JPie]

Gah, I'm drooling over this ring!! Who is the designer @JPie ?

That's an antique Victorian ring that I purchased from Erstwhile a few years ago. Parks Fine Group used the design on a new ring: https://www.instagram.com/p/Bq0bApnHx2z/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

 

[purplesilk]

Being given a jewel is nice and romantic, but buying yourself lets the change/upgrade door open...

 

[Starfacet]

If it were me, I'd look into having Brian Gavin or Southwest Diamond Cutters do a recut, see what you get out of it, then go from there. Maybe the stone could be the start of a 3-stone, or keep it as a center and do a reset into a ring you'd love. Seems like after so many years, you need to let your husband know that you intend to do something about the situation and to not take it personally.

 

[Maria D]

You can fix this by reframing the narrative and symbolism about this ring. Stop thinking about it as “The Engagement Ring” that you had always dreamed of getting. This ring is “The Proposal Ring.” It symbolizes the incredible once-in-a-lifetime proposal that some girls (me) always dreamed of getting. Your boyfriend impulsively bought a ring in Greece and then romantically proposed because he he was excited to make you his wife. Who has a proposal story like that? Not me. Lucky you!

When I would hear those kinds of proposal stories I'd feel the same way you do about your ring. Why didn’t my husband do that with me? Am I not the kind of girl he could fall head over heels for? You only get one chance. For years I let it bother me that my husband never actually proposed. I’d frequently bring it up, in kind of a joking self-deprecating way. I finally stopped when I realized that me venting my disappointment in an attempt to get some kind of resolution was hurting him. He hated having disappointed me but he couldn’t change the past.

I let it go. (It was a relief actually!) So we never had the magical romantic proposal but we did/do have magic and romance in other ways.

Look at that ring on your finger. I’m looking at the picture of it now. It’s lovely! It’s the ring that your husband ran out to get without even knowing your ring size so that he could romantically propose to you in Greece, the pinnacle of romantic places! So what if it wasn’t worth the price he paid. Don’t we all have an overpriced souvenir that we love for what it reminds us of?

You can go out and get a beautiful diamond ring to satisfy your love of fine jewelry but it will never be The Proposal Ring. That ring is special.

 

[Starfacet]

You can fix this by reframing the narrative and symbolism about this ring. Stop thinking about it as “The Engagement Ring” that you had always dreamed of getting. This ring is “The Proposal Ring.” It symbolizes the incredible once-in-a-lifetime proposal that some girls (me) always dreamed of getting. You can go out and get a beautiful diamond ring to satisfy your love of fine jewelry but it will never be The Proposal Ring. That ring is special.

I don't think this will fix it. OP doesn't like the ring. Never has. Never will. Getting a new ring doesn't negate the wonderful and unique engagement story. It just insures that the OP will finally have a ring that she wants to wear, and love, every day.

 

[Maria D]

I don't think this will fix it. OP doesn't like the ring. Never has. Never will. Getting a new ring doesn't negate the wonderful and unique engagement story. It just insures that the OP will finally have a ring that she wants to wear, and love, every day.

By all means she should get another ring!

 

[Dancing Fire]

Susan
Tell your husband if he doesn't upgrade your Ering then you'll upgrade the husband.

 

[Dancing Fire]

I'm not against a woman buying her own jewelry, but I wouldn't jump straight to buying my own ring if I haven't taken that first step of talking to my husband about it. He isn't even being given the chance to step up to the plate. I have to think he does not know how his wife feels,

I gave my wife 10 yrs to buy me a 2.5ct stone....I think she have a hearing problem...

 

[MamaBee]

I'm not against a woman buying her own jewelry, but I wouldn't jump straight to buying my own ring if I haven't taken that first step of talking to my husband about it. He isn't even being given the chance to step up to the plate. I have to think he does not know how his wife feels, because if he does it would be cruel to brag about helping his friend pick out a ring. In all likelihood, while this has been eating away at the OP, he's been in blissful ignorance.

It’s true..I have to be very concrete with my husband sometimes. I expect him to intuit my feelings..but he never does. I just tell him whatever it is and it mostly works out.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I am a doctor and my partner went back to school for a post bac so he can apply to Med school. So not only will I be picking and paying for my own ring, I pay all the bills as his current income is 0. I don’t mind though, I personally love jewelery and would enjoy the process much more than he would. He does plenty to be caring and romantic, like drive me to work when it’s cold, cook dinner, clean the sink cause he know I hate doing dishes. I literally have not touched the sink since he moved in! He doesn’t have money for bling but he does plenty to show he loves me and cares.

My ex husband did buy my a ring, and I had similar feelings as you, not because of size or anything, but because he literally put no effort into the setting. He apparently thought there was just a universal stock solitaire that every diamond was sold with. When he bought the diamond and the sales person asked what setting he wanted he was totally blindsided and “just picked out the one that looked most like my moms”. It was really the lack of thought that irked me about the ring. I talked to him about resetting it about a year later and turned it into the 5 stone that I still wear and love because at this point it’s more a ring I gave to myself (I sourced and paid for all the side stones and designed the setting).

 

[Matata]

I haven't read the entire thread so if this has been suggested already, I apologize. Have the talk with your husband about the current ring and tell him you want another one, not a replacement, a 2nd ring. Then ask him if he wants to be involved in the process -- choosing the stone, metal, design. If he says yes, then it will be a cooperative project where you get ring you want and he'll hopefully feel that he contributed. If he says no, then you're completely free to do what you want.

 

[AprilBaby]

I have a feeling part of the problem is she wants HIM to pick a ring as nice as he picked for someone else. I understand that. Maybe have him get a new halo setting that makes it look bigger or have him pick a new diamond that is bigger. I doubt he is driving a car you picked that he hates.

 

[qubitasaurus]

Wow. Probably better to have the practical, responsible husband (which is what I have too). But wouldn’t it be nice to have the practical husband and the impractical ring!! I will take your advice and try and let it go (or fix it).

I think you may have tried that already, and this may be part of what the 4 years is about.

This is not going to be an e-ring. That ship sailed already. This is going to be something you do for yourself. That is way way more important than an e-ring, and signifies a healthy marriage that both people feel suported and able to express what they really want (even if it is something the rest of society would judge you for. Your partner is there to have a laugh and then say okay, if it is that important lets see how we can make it happen.).

Dont ask him for a new ring. Tell him how much you want to buy a ring for yourself. Ask for him to look at pictures with you so you can have the happy memroies attached to it. Then get excited and stay excited about it -- excitement is infectious (I have no idea how but even my 11 month old's excitement over finding a new stick to whack mummy with at 2 am is infectious. She is delighted with her whack-a-mole corodination skills. I am so so tired but honestly her happiness rubs off none-the-less.) Tell him how wonderul he is. And how genuinely happy you are.

Then just stay excited and keep generating ideas. This isnt a new e-ring. That construct is way too loaded -- and you dont want to carry all that negative baggage going forward. This is something you are buying for yourself. And that is great !

 

[Dancing Fire]

Susan
What is the stone size you have in mind? color/clarity?

 

[partgypsy]

What about an anniversary ring? I know many women (myself included to some extent) feel weird spending significant amounts of money on a ring if it is not for a milestone. Maybe a very extravagant 5 year anniversary ring? Another option is to get a diamond from a vendor who does trade ups. Then you can work your way up over a number of years. Another option are non-round or antique diamonds which you can sometimes find for bigger carat weight per price than a modern round. If you are open to colored diamonds, some yellow and brown diamonds trade at a discount compared to white diamonds. In that case would also recommend a non-round shape.

https://www.jewelsbygrace.com/2-11ctw-edwardian-transitional-cut-diamond-ring