So conflicted about my ring.

[YadaYadaYada]

Here is the thing about men, most of them will move heaven and earth to make their wives happy. However they were not gifted with the mind reading gene so we need to help them out a little.

I know when I upgraded my original diamond I hadn't considered a new ring, I was just looking to have my diamond put into a new setting. One day I turned to DH and said, you know I think I just want a bigger stone in platinum, we talked about a budget and then I was off to the races!

Granted everyone is different but guys are pretty simple most of the time, so just put the idea out there and see what happens. You might be surprised at his reaction or lack of even

 

[cmd2014]

It's hard for me to envision a relationship where you can't just blurt out what you want to say.

+1 x1,000,000.

 

[Kbell]

1st of all I wouldn't broach the subject unless you as a couple are in a financial position to get a new ring. And I would never just stop wearing it. If you are financially able I would break it to your husband gently how you feel about it. But I think you should know exactly what you want before hand. Find something else you're head over heels in love with - you can tell him how much you love it & why & also suggest resetting your original as a pendant because you value the sentiment so much you want to keep it close to your heart. Otherwise, you're basically just telling him you don't love your ring because it's simply too small & that could sting a little... even a lot.

 

[madelise]

...you're more comfortable talking to random strangers than your husband?


I don't understand. It's been so long. Why can't you just be honest? Communication is key for healthy relationships, even communication about "dumb ol rocks".

You should never wear what you don't want to. It is your body. Your outfit and accessories should be what makes you happy. I would stop wearing the ring. And be honest. So he knows you're not wearing it because you don't like IT, not that you don't like HIM.

Don't wear skimpy clothes because society tells you to be more sexy. Don't wear pink because society says you have to be more feminine. Don't wear collared neck, covered up clothes because society says you have to hide your chest otherwise you're a slut. And don't wear your e-ring just because society says women have to love whatever BS item their men chose for them with no input because it's "romantic". It isn't. It's just an item. You are allowed to not like it.

 

[Kbell]

...you're more comfortable talking to random strangers than your husband?


I don't understand. It's been so long. Why can't you just be honest? Communication is key for healthy relationships, even communication about "dumb ol rocks".

You should never wear what you don't want to. It is your body. Your outfit and accessories should be what makes you happy. I would stop wearing the ring. And be honest. So he knows you're not wearing it because you don't like IT, not that you don't like HIM.

Don't wear skimpy clothes because society tells you to be more sexy. Don't wear pink because society says you have to be more feminine. Don't wear collared neck, covered up clothes because society says you have to hide your chest otherwise you're a slut. And don't wear your e-ring just because society says women have to love whatever BS item their men chose for them with no input because it's "romantic". It isn't. It's just an item. You are allowed to not like it.

While I agree no one should wear what they're not comfortable with, there is a kind way to handle things and a "F it I'll do whatever I want regardless of anyone else's feelings" way. If I knew not wearing a ring would hurt the man I love, I would not do that. Communication is absolutely key and every relationship is different. I say anything & everything to my partner but he's my type in that he can take it...He knows me so well. BUT I also am sensitive to the fact that he is sensitive about certain things so I am gentler with regard to them... I always say what's on my mind but I may approach them differently. I am in tune with my fiancé's feelings & needs & he with mine. I chose my own stone & setting because I am super SUPER finicky about jewelry and my now fiancé knows this. This is my forever ring.

Yes you are absolutely allowed to not like something and have your own taste. You are also allowed to & should take others feelings into consideration especially those you love. It is also responsible to consider the finances.

 

[kylier]

It sounds like a great diamond, and that he did really try to pick what he was told was great. I was engaged with a synthetic sapphire because we were poor (our business took off several years later). I love that ring but have upgraded a few times because I felt like it. Then again, I had input on every ring, because hubs know I am a jewelry nut.
I have to say though, as much as my husband and I are open with each other, if I approached him with the kind of resentment that seems to have built up around this for you, it would make him react the wrong way. I think most reasonable men want to make their wives happy, and I don't know your husband but if you do talk to him I would suggest finding a way to decompress your feelings that have been held in and building for three years.
Sometimes when we are upset and try to bring things up the conversation can be more heated than we meant and there can be yelling and hurt feelings when there doesn't need to be.
The conversation will go best if you can be warm and supportive and loving and speak about your needs and wants while reassuring him he makes you happy (which I assume he does).
Let go of the fact that he could have bought something different. Stop obsessing over what it should have cost and what you could have had. That money is long gone and none of that can be changed and if you go in telling him how he got ripped off and everyone hates it he will get defensive before you even bring up your feelings.
Sometimes things happen with our partners to make us realize how much we take them for granted, like serious illness, death, or something that takes away their smile for some time.
In those moments, you will want to have been kind.

 

[LLJsmom]

It sounds like a great diamond, and that he did really try to pick what he was told was great. I was engaged with a synthetic sapphire because we were poor (our business took off several years later). I love that ring but have upgraded a few times because I felt like it. Then again, I had input on every ring, because hubs know I am a jewelry nut.
I have to say though, as much as my husband and I are open with each other, if I approached him with the kind of resentment that seems to have built up around this for you, it would make him react the wrong way. I think most reasonable men want to make their wives happy, and I don't know your husband but if you do talk to him I would suggest finding a way to decompress your feelings that have been held in and building for three years.
Sometimes when we are upset and try to bring things up the conversation can be more heated than we meant and there can be yelling and hurt feelings when there doesn't need to be.
The conversation will go best if you can be warm and supportive and loving and speak about your needs and wants while reassuring him he makes you happy (which I assume he does).
Let go of the fact that he could have bought something different. Stop obsessing over what it should have cost and what you could have had. That money is long gone and none of that can be changed and if you go in telling him how he got ripped off and everyone hates it he will get defensive before you even bring up your feelings.
Sometimes things happen with our partners to make us realize how much we take them for granted, like serious illness, death, or something that takes away their smile for some time.
In those moments, you will want to have been kind.

Very true as well, and wise. I do not claim to be wise. Maybe just old and impatient. But also another good reason to speak up quickly and soon so sadness, regret and resentment do not build up. I think that is more dangerous than any hurt feelings of the moment. I know not everyone is a grab the bull by the horns and deal with the issue immediately person. But letting this go on for three years is not the solution either. Good luck Susan! It's just the beginning for you.

 

[cmd2014]

I think sometimes in marriage we also have to think about whether we want to be 'right' or whether we want to prioritize our relationship (in many things, not just this).

I don't think your husband got 'ripped off,' I think he just emphasized quality over size. Honestly, this is not a bad thing (and higher quality diamonds may hold value more, especially in certain markets).

I also don't think that your ring is ugly or unfashionable, it's classic and won't go out of style, even though it's not the style that you wanted.

Plus, drag queens will poke fun at anything - if it was classic it would be 'tiny'; if it was big and blingy it would be 'tacky' - and your friends may be jealous in a few years when their rings become dated and imprinted in time (trust me, I can spot a late 1980's/early 1990's ring anywhere).

If you want to talk to him about it, talk to him. But don't blame the ring he bought - own the feelings that you have (as in, 'this is beautiful and I so appreciate the effort you put into buying it, but I was hoping for something different' - and be prepared to tell him exactly what). Also, be prepared for him to have sentimental feelings towards the ring that he picked for you that symbolized his love. Men don't want to give the women they love things that they perceive to be cheap or of low quality, because that means that they don't care. He put effort and care into buying this for you. Try to be sensitive to that.

 

[Susan Diamonds]

It is so nice to hear from everyone. As some of you noted, it is strange that I can talk about this to strangers, and perhaps that says something bad about my marriage. Either way, I feel a lot better after hearing your responses.
What I didn't say earlier was that I tried to return the ring, originally. The first jeweler I took it to, to have it resized, said the ring was made incorrectly. (I took it to many jewels in fact; none of them liked the ring, and many believed it was not such good quality as the certificate stated.) Eventually, our hope was to return the ring all together. I was hoping this could be my "out" so I didn't have to hurt my husband's feelings by telling him I didn't like my engagement ring. But when I told him the jeweler recommended the ring be returned, he was extremely upset. We tried to return it, and filed a complaint through the credit card company that the seller sold us a defective ring, but the jeweler wouldn't take it back. So I didn't even wear the ring for many months after we got engaged. Finally, we had to have it resized, remade, and now I'm stuck with it.
Ironically, a friend of mind just got engaged yesterday. I'm truly happy for her. But her ring is enormous and perfect (over two carats, platinum setting, four prongs...). It's exactly what she wanted. I wanted to hide my ring and cry. Stupid, I know, but it just made me sad.

 

[Austina]

I don't think it's odd that it's easier to 'talk' to strangers, you don't know us, we don't know you, so there's no emotional connection. It's very obvious that you don't want to hurt your husband's feelings, but you are clearly unhappy, and it's getting to you.

We don't know what your financial situation is, so if your dream ring is not within your budget now (or maybe in the future) then at some point you may have to accept that. It's not worth causing problems in your marriage if you want it to work.

My DH is a very kind man, a good provider, a good husband and father, but has zero interest in jewellery. He doesn't begrudge me having things, but he'd rather spend the money on something else!

Have you mentioned your friend's ring, told him how it would be your dream ring? If you have, I'd leave it at that, I wouldn't keep mentioning it, that's how arguments start, and once said, things can't be unsaid.

Maybe he feels really bad that you've been told the ring is no good, but if finances don't allow for a remodel, or upgrade, then there's nothing you can do at the moment. As I said earlier, maybe sometime in the future, an anniversary or a big birthday, you could ask him to consider the options?

 

[cmd2014]

Sometimes I think we need to be real. The money isn't always there for a 2 carat "perfect" platinum ring. Even a J SI2 (which I personally would not choose, as this would be visibly warm toned to my eye and would be unlikely to be eye clean) would run about $9K for the diamond plus another $800 give or take a bit for a simple platinum setting, plus tax. So unless he had $10-11,000 minimum, this wouldn't have been in your cards.

Also, if we are being real, for the money that you say that your DH was able to spend, even if he did go with a lower color stone (like a J SI2 - which, again, is not a compromise I personally would be wanting to make), the most you would get for the money spent (leaving aside some funds for a band) would be somewhere around a 1 carat stone. And it would be visibly warm toned (to my eye at least) and possibly visibly included. I'm not sure that's enough of a 'trade up' to be worth going that route from what you have.

As to your diamond not being the specs that you were told, I imagine that if you were able to prove that to your credit card company (via an appraisal showing this discrepancy in the diamond specs in comparison to the receipt given at time of purchase), you'd have a case given that this would be fraud (and I'm pretty sure the EU has fairly strict consumer laws about fraud). This isn't however, the same things as the band being poorly built or you simply not liking it. For that, you'd have limited recourse, I'm afraid.

 

[canuk-gal]

I want a new ring to magically appear! Or I want the issue to come up naturally with my husband. I just don't think I could come out and ask for a different ring, even if its just the setting. I try to work it into the conversation sometimes, but he doesn't want to hear it.

I know you are upset--but so is he. There isn't anything magical that will mitigate the "disappointment" you feel not having received what you wanted and he having planned what he thought was the perfect scenario only to have it "failed". You feel like crying and are sad, well, I suspect he feels the same. Seems to me you are both at the same point, stuck, and that is the natural part. Regardless of the reason, what persons in committed relationships haven't been there?

Getting unstuck is work for you both. 3 years is a long time for you both be be reminded of "failures" and to continue to nurture "disappointments". Wishing is just wishing.

Communication is the "Tiffany" key. And hope is genuine. That said, this is the Internet and my advice is worth what you paid for it. FWIW, Take your present reset $$ and talk to a counselor. They may be able to provide some perspective and hence, that rock you are pushing uphill might seem lighter.

cheers--Sharon

 

[LLJsmom]

I know you are upset--but so is he. There isn't anything magical that will mitigate the "disappointment" you feel not having received what you wanted and he having planned what he thought was the perfect scenario only to have it "failed". You feel like crying and are sad, well, I suspect he feels the same. Seems to me you are both at the same point, stuck, and that is the natural part. Regardless of the reason, what persons in committed relationships haven't been there?

Getting unstuck is work for you both. 3 years is a long time for you both be be reminded of "failures" and to continue to nurture "disappointments". Wishing is just wishing.

Communication is the "Tiffany" key. That said, this is the Internet and my advice is worth what you paid for it. SWIW, Take your present reset $$ and talk to a counselor. They may be able to provide some perspective and hence, that rock you are pushing uphill might seem lighter.

cheers--Sharon

As others have said, neither of you are happy with the situation. So let's get into problem solving mode. Your DH seems to know you're not happy because you both tried to return it. He doesn't want you to return it. It's a D color diamond. Why don't you just get it recut? Brian Gavin Diamonds can do this. It will be bright and beautiful when done. And then if you want a bigger stone, start saving girl!! Talk with your DH about it and get him on board. Yes, this is your engagement ring and it matters to your DH that you keep it. Fine. Keep it. It also matters to you that you have something you like. Nothing unreasonable about that. There is nothing to prevent you from saving up and buying ANOTHER diamond that you like. People here will help you choose a beautiful stone and a fabulous setting. No more "I'm so sad about this." You've had three years to be sad. Now have a plan. Execute. You need to make it happen.

 

[Calliecake]

Susan, Please take LLJsmom's advice above. Make a plan and start saving for a new ring. If nothing else it will show your husband that you are serious about wanting a new ring.

 

[MissGotRocks]

Marriages have all sorts of times to use problem solving skills. I'm just wondering how you and your husband handle other conflicts - children, money, jobs? Can you not approach the ring dilemma in the same manner that you discuss other issues? I realize that the ring carries a lot of emotion with it but somehow - after three years - you must be able to reach a place where you can talk this out. The problem just festers and your frustration must come out and color other subjects that you try to discuss. I think it is important that he at least understand how important this is to you - an acknowledgement of that might go a long way in starting you on a path of resolution. Sometimes when presenting a problem, you need to have a possible solution in mind to offer so that it doesn't sound just like a ring bashing. He may not realize that there is a possible solution to the problem - he may just think it is an opportunity missed and there is nothing he can do to fix it at this point.

 

[pearlsngems]

I agree with the above post. Marriage requires people to problem-solve all sorts of issues; apply your problem resolution skills to this as you would any other problem. You can get past this impasse.

 

[madelise]

She mentions CRYING about the ring. I don't know what kind of twisted bastard would put his own pride before his wife wearing something that makes her cry.

You're misinterpreting me for saying "DO YOU, BOO, YOUR HUBBY WILL BE FINE" for "DO YOU AND F YOUR HUSBAND". I'm not saying that at all. I'm saying, he hasn't even had the opportunity to show what he cares about or thinks about her changing her ring bc so far she hasn't been telling him how she really feels with 100% transparency.

While I agree no one should wear what they're not comfortable with, there is a kind way to handle things and a "F it I'll do whatever I want regardless of anyone else's feelings" way. If I knew not wearing a ring would hurt the man I love, I would not do that. Communication is absolutely key and every relationship is different. I say anything & everything to my partner but he's my type in that he can take it...He knows me so well. BUT I also am sensitive to the fact that he is sensitive about certain things so I am gentler with regard to them... I always say what's on my mind but I may approach them differently. I am in tune with my fiancé's feelings & needs & he with mine. I chose my own stone & setting because I am super SUPER finicky about jewelry and my now fiancé knows this. This is my forever ring.

Yes you are absolutely allowed to not like something and have your own taste. You are also allowed to & should take others feelings into consideration especially those you love. It is also responsible to consider the finances.

 

[madelise]

It doesn't say anything bad about your marriage. It screams, girlfriend, KNOCK IT OUT and just talk to him already!!!!

He may have been upset bc of the situation then- NOT at the ring or your feelings. You telling him it's not "you" or "your style" is a different story! He may be totally accepting. Plus, it's been years!

Girl. Sit him down. Laugh about it. And preface it with lots of "I hope you don't get offended but I thought about it a lot and I kept trying to ignore it but it's still bugging me and I know it's ridiculous BUT"... keep it light hearted! Cus it isn't that serious. Ain't nobody cheated or caught a disease. It is "just a rock". But it's "just a rock" you wear everyday and should look at with happiness!

I just am confused bc I literally have no filter w my husband. I say whatever thought that enters my mind and never worry about offending him bc he knows I'd never intentionally do it. ‍ Everyone is different!

It is so nice to hear from everyone. As some of you noted, it is strange that I can talk about this to strangers, and perhaps that says something bad about my marriage. Either way, I feel a lot better after hearing your responses.
What I didn't say earlier was that I tried to return the ring, originally. The first jeweler I took it to, to have it resized, said the ring was made incorrectly. (I took it to many jewels in fact; none of them liked the ring, and many believed it was not such good quality as the certificate stated.) Eventually, our hope was to return the ring all together. I was hoping this could be my "out" so I didn't have to hurt my husband's feelings by telling him I didn't like my engagement ring. But when I told him the jeweler recommended the ring be returned, he was extremely upset. We tried to return it, and filed a complaint through the credit card company that the seller sold us a defective ring, but the jeweler wouldn't take it back. So I didn't even wear the ring for many months after we got engaged. Finally, we had to have it resized, remade, and now I'm stuck with it.
Ironically, a friend of mind just got engaged yesterday. I'm truly happy for her. But her ring is enormous and perfect (over two carats, platinum setting, four prongs...). It's exactly what she wanted. I wanted to hide my ring and cry. Stupid, I know, but it just made me sad.

 

[whitewave]

You know what I did? I bought a ring and told him about it after I saw it and decided to keep it. 12k

He got over it and now 5 years later I have his support to have Caysie van Bebber reset it into a custom setting.

My DH has such tacky taste in jewelry that now he leaves all of the jewelry buying to me.

Can you afford to set a budget and get your own new ring? Maybe get the original one reset in a pendant first-- you will feel better about it and he "should" have feelings of compromise that you are still wearing it. Then when that issue ceases to be a problem, you can move on to getting a new engagement ring.

Phase I: ring to pendant
Phase 2: new diamond

Happy wife, happy life.....

 

[rainydaze]

Susan hasn't addressed the budget aspect of her dilemma, but keep in mind that she may not work and earn income herself, i.e. stay-at-home-mom, homemaker. If this is the case, saving up herself for a ring she loves may not be an option. Even in a lot of dual-income relationships, a purchase of this amount could warrant a discussion. I'd expect in a single-income relationship it's even more of a given (for both parties, not just the non-earner).

Susan, I'm sorry your ring hasn't brought you joy. I hope you can find a way to broach the topic with your husband in a way that he is receptive. Any chance he has an interest/hobby that can help you put it into perspective for him? Does he like cars? Golf? Ski mobiles? Ask him how he might feel if you had picked out and bought a car/club set/big toy for him, and he didn't like it but then had to use it for the rest of his life.

 

[rainydaze]

PS - my first thought when I read your dilemma was to see if your diamond is a candidate for a recut (Brian Gavin Diamonds is a good place to start). I think that tends to run around $350, so that's pretty doable.

Then have it reset into one of their platinum four prong solitaires (can be had for under 1k, I personally love their tapered 6 prong solitaire but I recall you saying you like four prong?). Then you might have yourself a ring you like so much better, while he might be pleased it's still your original diamond. And you haven't thrown a ton more money at it, since that's also an issue you seem to have with your current ring.

Of course, that doesn't make the diamond bigger, which sounds like your real desire? If so, once you've broached the topic with DH, it's time to cut your losses and get crackin' on a new ring that will bring you the joy you have been craving. It's tough making the decision to let go of the 'wasted money', but once you do it and move on, I promise you won't give it another thought. I've been there.

 

[whitewave]

Getting it recut is at least worth looking into.

 

[whitewave]

My point about getting it set into a pendant.... mine cost 400 to do that.

So for $400.00 you could be done with the ring, problem solved, and be wearing it as a pendant. I guarantee it based on my experience, that you will be much happier this way.

Did you want to post the ring specs like color, crown, pavillion, table and depth % so we can see what is going in with the stone itself? Just from the pic, I feel like it is poorly cut and cloudy? That is just from one pic though... it may just be a pic at a bad angle. If we can identify what the issue is, there may be a clear path to a solution.

Is your husband from a macho type ethnic group where that is the reason why this is such a touchy subject? And this is beyond the scope of this thread and is a little nosey, but.... are you happy in your marriage? I sort of intuited that maybe the ring issues sort of "personify" the state of the marriage... I get a sad vibe from this situation, hugs, hon. (((Hugs)))
(You don't have to answer)

 

[whitewave]

My point about getting it set into a pendant.... mine cost 400 to do that.

So for $400.00 you could be done with the ring, problem solved, and be wearing it as a pendant. I guarantee it based on my experience, that you will be much happier this way.

Did you want to post the ring specs like color, crown, pavillion, table and depth % so we can see what is going in with the stone itself? Just from the pic, I feel like it is poorly cut and cloudy? That is just from one pic though... it may just be a pic at a bad angle. If we can identify what the issue is, there may be a clear path to a solution.

Is your husband from a **no stereotyping please** group where that is the reason why this is such a touchy subject? And this is beyond the scope of this thread and is a little nosey, but.... are you happy in your marriage? I sort of intuited that maybe the ring issues sort of "personify" the state of the marriage... I get a sad vibe from this situation, hugs, hon. (((Hugs)))
(You don't have to answer)

 

[cmd2014]

Getting it recut is at least worth looking into.

I get the sense that the problem is that she wants it bigger. Also, I wasn't sure how clean her diamond was in the picture. Mine often looks like that when it needs a good scrub (which is 99% of the time).

 

[whitewave]

Very good point. I have noticed when my asscher is pristine clean, it looks bigger.

Susan, boil some water. Take it off heat and add a drop of dawn dishwashing liquid. Be super careful about your hands getting splashed and add a dash of ammonia. Soak your ring for 30 minutes, scrub with old toothbrush and then soak in tepid water for another 30 mins.

Let us know how it looks.

 

[lambskin]

Early on in our dating relationship I 'hinted' to my husband that only I should pick out my jewelry as I know what I want and like. As friends got engaged and their fiance 'surprised ' them with a ring that they did not like I told my husband. I get it if a your fiance wants to surprise you at engagement time. But unless it is a family stone that you knew about and previously approved (for example MIL shows or wears the ring with said heirloom stone) then OK. But if he wants a surprise then he should have bought a token promise ring or pendant then buy the ER together. If the tables were turned and you bought him a $6000 watch, ring,motorcycle, vacation, car, stereo system, or other items of which he will have for a long time or wear/use forever, I am sure he would want to pick that out himself in terms of style, color brand etc. Keep the ring, sell it or reset it in a pendant AND get a new one to wear using an anniversary to mark the occasion.

 

[AnnaH]

Lamb, this is a little off topic, but I agree that this idea of surprising the lady doesn't work for everyone, such as the op.
An inexpensive (or less expensive, depending on budget) ring, maybe colored stone, that could become a rhr makes sense.

OP, so sorry about your disappointment. I hope you work this out happily and will return to finish your story. I fear you may have left us due to more advice than you wanted. I do think you received much good advice and that it was well meant.

 

[imitcan]

You are not alone. I know 3 ladies that are less than enamoured with their engagement rings. They all moan and complain to me (they know I love jewellery) but are reluctant to speak to their husbands about an upgrade or something different. A fourth friend had a half carat solitaire that she thought was just okay and a little boring. It is now a side stone in a lovely trilogy ring. Her husband surprised her with a new ring by buying a matching stone to her original and a beautiful new center stone around .85. Her ring is beautiful. And the original stone is still as meaningful and as special as it was the day he proposed. He did this for their 25th anniversary. Just an idea. Good luck with starting the journey to a ring you'll be thrilled to wear.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Susan
Don't feel bad b/c I have been waiting for a 2.5ct ring for the past 20 yrs now, and still haven't gotten it yet...