She didn''t like the ring. Would you be offended?

[cdogstu99]

So i just proposed. She said yes. But now she''s upset with the ring. I spent a long long time deciding on what to get her; going from store to store in my local area and learning as much as possible about diamonds. Reading and reading every nite on pricescope to educate myself about the purchase. I ended up getting a stone from GOG and having it set in a Mark Morrell setting. The stone is beautiful, but there is a slight inclusion on the table (it''s an SI2) which can be seen if you look close enough. But other than that it''s gorgeous...F color, hearts and arrows, AGS triple zero. I figured that she would be able to live with it. She was saying things to the effect of that she thought i didn''t know her well to give her something like that and that she thought i got ripped off. She even went to Tiffany recently to price other rings. It started a big fight and i was really upset. She said that she has to wear this the rest of her life and that it really would bother her. Shouldn''t it mean more than that anyways? Has anyone else had to deal with this?

 

[Acadiamonds]

That sucks man. Let her know how much time and effort you put into choosing the ring and how you went out of your way to get her something she''d like. She shouldn''t be angry at you at all, and the fact that she didn''t like the ring doesn''t mean you don''t know her. I''d say to bring her to the forum and allow people to explain to her that you really got her a great diamond and if she''s still unhappy maybe you can return it and work on something that she''d like. Good luck.

 

[heb1976]

cdog, I'm really sorry that your proposal didn't turn out like you wanted.

I'm not sure if I understand what she is unhappy with, the setting or the diamond? I personally do not like visible inclusions in diamonds. I also don't care for solitaires but if someone gave me a MM I wouldn't complain!

I think this was a very emotional purchase for you but keep in mind that it's very emotional for her as well. Try not to take it personally and I think it's wonderful that you guys have the type of relationship that you can be honest with each other. Marriage is about honesty and compromise. I hope you can work this out and realise that in the end loving each other is what this is all about! Good luck!

 

[cdogstu99]

thanks aca, thanks heb...yeah the proposal went fine..nice romantic evening...but just the aftermath which sucks

i think she likes the setting..just the inclusion that has her acting all crazy. i contacted gog and i think i may able to exchange it, but it my mind it almost ruins the whole thought of it.

 

[Lula]

I''m so sorry that she didn''t like the ring. You obviously spent a lot of time, effort and money on choosing what sounds like a really nice ring. I would feel offended if somebody reacted that way to something I put so much work into with all the best intentions (I''m a woman, btw). I guess if it was me, I''d want an apology from her for frankly being quite insensitive and rude. Then I''d talk to her about what''s bothering her about the ring -- Does she like anything about the ring? The setting? The size and cut of the stone? Can you exchange it at GOG for something else (how in the world is she justifying her comment about you getting ripped off and then going to Tiffany to look at rings!?!). When she''s clear about what she wants, you could go shopping together and try to put the romance back into this proposal. Again, I am so sorry!

 

[Gypsy]

What doesn't she like about it exactly? Is it the inclusion... because I'm sure they can find you a similar diamond with higher clarity.

Or is the problem something else? Did she want a Tiffany ring, and only wants the name brand ring?

Does she not like the setting? You can change that, and sell the MWM.


Here are some thoughts about women liking their rings: https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/why-do-some-men-wait-till-after-the-ring-is-returnable-to-propose.114433/

Did you show her your threads, and how hard you looked? And um... did you ask her what she wanted before you started chosing things? And did you LISTEN TO HER? Or did you just go with what you thought she would like and override her input?

 

[RevChris]

Man , I''m sorry it turned out that way. I just purchased my girls ring and would be crushed if she didn''t like it after all the work and attention to detail I put into it.

 

[Gypsy]

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/why-do-some-men-wait-till-after-the-ring-is-returnable-to-propose.114433/

Ah. Got it. She wanted a Tiffany Ring. You thought you would get her something "better." Nope. For someone who wants a Tiffany ring, sometimes nothing else will do. If she sent you serial numbers... she was expecting Tiffany and only Tiffany would have made her happy. And you ignored that.

Yeah. I'd be upset if I told my fiance what would make me happy, did the research for the rings, then he went off on his own and got me a (granted gorgeous) non-Tiffany ring. Not because of the ring. But because SHE put time and effort into it. And you ignored her wishes and decided you knew better. Not good.

 

[iluvcarats]

I usually try to stay out of threads like this, but here goes...
I would be really disappointed. She ruined what was to be a very happy moment.
It would make me wonder if the ring was more important to her than my feelings.
And I would wonder if she realizes that getting engaged really isn''t about the ring. Priorities, ya know?

We all love our sparklies here, but I would bet that most of us would have said yes w/out a ring.
I did.

 

[cdogstu99]

Gypsy..nice intel..the thing is while she did initially tell me she wanted tiffany''s, i kind of hinted to her that it wasn''t worth it, and would get her something nicer, and she kind of told me to do what i thought was right.

Iluvcarats, those were my initial thoughts as well, and i even started yelling at her, saying that i thought that it shouldn''t even matter. I mean isn''t it the thought that we are going to be together for ever that should really matter.

FYI, here''s the diamond

http://www.goodoldgold.com/diamond/5380/

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 5/5/2009 11:47:11 PM
Author: iluvcarats
I usually try to stay out of threads like this, but here goes...
I would be really disappointed. She ruined what was to be a very happy moment.
It would make me wonder if the ring was more important to her than my feelings.
And I would wonder if she realizes that getting engaged really isn''t about the ring. Priorities, ya know?

We all love our sparklies here, but I would bet that most of us would have said yes w/out a ring.
I did.

I did too. I said yes and waited 3 years for the ring. And I considered myself engaged.

The ring isn''t the engagement. She didn''t ruin that. And it''s argueable who ruined it. He didn''t get her what she asked for... didn''t he have an obligation too? If it''s about priorities, then it cuts both ways. What were his priorities? Listening to her? Or going his own way.

But he did get her input then ignore it. He even says in the post I linked to that he knows she wants a Tiffany Ring, that she had sent him information about specific rings. That''s pretty specific. I''m not a name brand person. But if name brand was my top priority and I told my FI that... and he ignored it, I''d be upset too.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 5/5/2009 11:15:44 PM
Author:cdogstu99
I figured that she would be able to live with it.

You figured wrong. Honestly? You KNEW there was a visible inclusion *on the stone''s TABLE* (like the FACE of the stone) and you thought she could/should "just live with it"???????

That was imperfect reasoning. And perhaps her reaction is imperfect as well. Which makes you even. Would you buy someone a new car with a giant scratch across the hood? Would you buy a Picasso with a slash in it?

You say switching the stone ruins "the thought" of it ... what thought? That she should deal with whatever crumbs you throw her way the rest of her life & be grateful about it? I''d be insulted if I were her. And I''d be dissapointed if I were you.

Hopefully you''ll work together to find a solution that leave you both satisfied.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 5/5/2009 11:53:39 PM
Author: cdogstu99
Gypsy..nice intel..the thing is while she did initially tell me she wanted tiffany's, i kind of hinted to her that it wasn't worth it, and would get her something nicer, and she kind of told me to do what i thought was right.

Iluvcarats, those were my initial thoughts as well, and i even started yelling at her, saying that i thought that it shouldn't even matter. I mean isn't it the thought that we are going to be together for ever that should really matter.

FYI, here's the diamond

http://www.goodoldgold.com/diamond/5380/

Well, if that's what she said. Then... it sounds like she was testing you. Which is wrong. She should have been clear and kept true to herself. The inclusion on the table... since it is visible would bug me too.

 

[Imdanny]

She complained about receiving a Mark Morrell ring?

I don't know what was said between you, whether she said, "I want a Tiffany ring." but frankly, I can't imagine someone feeling entitled to "a Tiffany ring" in the first place, so I don't know what to tell you. Upgrading to SI1 and getting an eye clean stone is what I would be willing to do- and if she didn't like that idea, or she didn't like the ring- I'd rethink the proposal. This is a GIFT, not an invitation to find a pea under the 12th mattress IMO.

BTW, I lower the color to about H.

 

[iluvcarats]

Date: 5/5/2009 11:53:39 PM
Author: cdogstu99
Gypsy..nice intel..the thing is while she did initially tell me she wanted tiffany''s, i kind of hinted to her that it wasn''t worth it, and would get her something nicer, and she kind of told me to do what i thought was right.


Iluvcarats, those were my initial thoughts as well, and i even started yelling at her, saying that i thought that it shouldn''t even matter. I mean isn''t it the thought that we are going to be together for ever that should really matter.


FYI, here''s the diamond


http://www.goodoldgold.com/diamond/5380/

That doesn''t sound good

Well, I can understand her disappointment, but she should have been mature enough to let it go.
And even though your feelings were hurt, that is not a good reason to yell at her.
Just my .02.

 

[iluvcarats]

Date: 5/5/2009 11:56:13 PM
Author: Gypsy

Date: 5/5/2009 11:47:11 PM

Author: iluvcarats

I usually try to stay out of threads like this, but here goes...

I would be really disappointed. She ruined what was to be a very happy moment.

It would make me wonder if the ring was more important to her than my feelings.

And I would wonder if she realizes that getting engaged really isn't about the ring. Priorities, ya know?


We all love our sparklies here, but I would bet that most of us would have said yes w/out a ring.

I did.

I did too. I said yes and waited 3 years for the ring. And I considered myself engaged.


The ring isn't the engagement. She didn't ruin that. And it's argueable who ruined it. He didn't get her what she asked for... didn't he have an obligation too? If it's about priorities, then it cuts both ways. What were his priorities? Listening to her? Or going his own way.


But he did get her input then ignore it. He even says in the post I linked to that he knows she wants a Tiffany Ring, that she had sent him information about specific rings. That's pretty specific. I'm not a name brand person. But if name brand was my top priority and I told my FI that... and he ignored it, I'd be upset too.

I agree with you, but both of the above are what bother me.
But that's just my opinion.
I have a feeling there is a lot more to this story than we are getting.

 

[doodle]

Yeesh, that sucks! I can understand her being upset if she really hated the ring. I was engaged once before, and the ring I got was a round stone, fake btw, with baguettes and a yellow gold band. Anyone, and I mean ANYONE, who knows me longer than ten minutes knows that I DESPISE yellow gold. I also happen to hate baguettes, and I prefer square or rectangular gemstones. In that case, I really felt like he didn''t know me at all when this guy gave me a ring that was the definition of everything I personally hate. Your situation, from what you''ve said so far, sounds totally different, though. If her only real beef with the ring is that it didn''t come in an aqua box with a white ribbon, sounds to me like she''s being a little snooty. When you''re going to be wearing the same piece of jewelry for the rest of your life, you want it to be something you love, of course, but when you''re putting a brand name before the consideration of your partner''s feelings...well, that''s just not the same thing. Would she be okay with getting a less included stone, or is she just dead set on Tiffany? Sorry that things didn''t go how you had hoped, and I wish you all the best in getting things worked out!

 

[Gypsy]

I agree with you iluvcarats... in all your posts here.

 

[cdogstu99]

Well, I can understand her disappointment, but she should have been mature enough to let it go.

And even though your feelings were hurt, that is not a good reason to yell at her.

Just my .02.

Yeah, it more like the both of us having a very heated argument about it. I don''t think i was really being unreasonable, she was acting very irrationally in my opinion.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 5/6/2009 12:08:12 AM
Author: cdogstu99

Well, I can understand her disappointment, but she should have been mature enough to let it go.

And even though your feelings were hurt, that is not a good reason to yell at her.

Just my .02.

Yeah, it more like the both of us having a very heated argument about it. I don''t think i was really being unreasonable, she was acting very irrationally in my opinion.

Of course you thought she was.

I love it when men stop listening to their women using the ''irrational'' excuse. Is she typically irrational? Is that why you got her something other than what she wanted, though she sent you the #''s of the rings she liked?

 

[Imdanny]

Date: 5/5/2009 11:36:39 PM
Author: sarap333
I'm so sorry that she didn't like the ring. You obviously spent a lot of time, effort and money on choosing what sounds like a really nice ring. I would feel offended if somebody reacted that way to something I put so much work into with all the best intentions (I'm a woman, btw). I guess if it was me, I'd want an apology from her for frankly being quite insensitive and rude. Then I'd talk to her about what's bothering her about the ring -- Does she like anything about the ring? The setting? The size and cut of the stone? Can you exchange it at GOG for something else (how in the world is she justifying her comment about you getting ripped off and then going to Tiffany to look at rings!?!)., When she's clear about what she wants, you could go shopping together and try to put the romance back into this proposal. Again, I am so sorry!

That's not good!

 

[iluvcarats]

Date: 5/6/2009 12:08:12 AM
Author: cdogstu99

Well, I can understand her disappointment, but she should have been mature enough to let it go.


And even though your feelings were hurt, that is not a good reason to yell at her.


Just my .02.

Yeah, it more like the both of us having a very heated argument about it. I don''t think i was really being unreasonable, she was acting very irrationally in my opinion.

I am sorry that your proposal didn''t turn out the way you wanted it to, and that her proposal didn''t turn out the way she wanted it to.
I hope you can come to some sort of compromise. Good luck!

 

[bebe]

Date: 5/5/2009 11:57:39 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 5/5/2009 11:15:44 PM
Author:cdogstu99
I figured that she would be able to live with it.

You figured wrong. Honestly? You KNEW there was a visible inclusion *on the stone''s TABLE* (like the FACE of the stone) and you thought she could/should ''just live with it''???????

That was imperfect reasoning. And perhaps her reaction is imperfect as well. Which makes you even. Would you buy someone a new car with a giant scratch across the hood? Would you buy a Picasso with a slash in it?

You say switching the stone ruins ''the thought'' of it ... what thought? That she should deal with whatever crumbs you throw her way the rest of her life & be grateful about it? I''d be insulted if I were her. And I''d be dissapointed if I were you.

Hopefully you''ll work together to find a solution that leave you both satisfied.

my thoughts too, ditto.

Honestly, I couldn''t live with an inclusion on the table. She has a point, she has to live with it, look at it everyday, knowing that.
"just live with it" ? I''d be upset.
I''m sorry things turned out this way. Is there any way you can make it all ok?

 

[cdogstu99]

Date: 5/6/2009 12:10:05 AM
Author: Gypsy

Date: 5/6/2009 12:08:12 AM

Author: cdogstu99

Well, I can understand her disappointment, but she should have been mature enough to let it go.


And even though your feelings were hurt, that is not a good reason to yell at her.


Just my .02.

Yeah, it more like the both of us having a very heated argument about it. I don''t think i was really being unreasonable, she was acting very irrationally in my opinion.

Of course you thought she was.

I love it when men stop listening to their women using the ''irrational'' excuse. Is she typically irrational? Is that why you got her something other than what she wanted, though she sent you the #''s of the rings she liked?

Gypsy, here''s the deal: Yeah she wanted Tiffany''s at first. I went to Tiffany''s in my initial research and was ready to buy a ring there. But for what i was shown and what i had to spend, it just wasn''t worth it. I told her this a while ago when i was trying to subtly discuss the subject. She agreed with me at the time after i explained to her that at Tiffany''s you are paying a substantial premium for the name. I told her that for the same price i could get her something so much nicer in a custom setting. After i explained all of the research that i had done she agreed with me and said that she trusted me and that i should do what i think is right. So, no i''m not a mind reader. But yes in my opinion she was acting a bit irrational. I mean if you saw the ring, you would think it was absolutely gorgeous. I did so much research, looked at so many stones and this one just lights up. But yeah there''s an inclusion, but i thought it would be worth the sacrifice for having such a nice stone. Guess i was wrong.

 

[Gypsy]

Look , here's my advice.

Go talk to her. Don't mention the word irrational. Ask her what would make her happy. Ask her where to go from here. And show her the tutorials you studied. Take her to GOG to meet Jonathan. And tell her that next time she wants something specific you would just appreciate knowing that... and going shopping for it together.

Also... you say: "It wasn't worth it" in your opinion. But... it doesn't sound like she ever really changed hers. And it sounds like in her opinoin, it was worth it. And either you didn't hear that, or she didn't make it clear. Or both. That's a communication issue you guys need to work out. And... don't look at this as all bad. You guys can become closer and stronger as a result of this, if you work it out and if both of you admit your errors, and learn from them. I mean that. Best of luck.

 

[Bliss]

cdogstu99, so sorry to hear about this. I would tell you from a woman's perspective that it's not YOU she's unhappy with. It's not that she doesn't appreciate all of your effort, care and thoughtfulness. It's not even that she thinks you can't be trusted to get the best bang for your buck. This is her dream, too. Some girls care about the dream wedding. Some girls care about the dream ring. I've loved jewelry since I could walk -- so for my engagement ring, I really dreamt of something special. It didn't have to be a huge size or flawless quality. But I did want it to represent ME...and therefore US as well.

I think for most girls, receiving a diamond with a visible black spot would be a sensitive issue. You bought a stone that was a BIG size, amazing cut and etc., but maybe to HER, she was hoping for an eye-clean stone. Maybe a smaller diamond that was eye-clean would be better. It's also hard on her because when you get engaged, people GRAB your hand and inspect your ring VERY CLOSELY.

Even strangers will GRAB your hand and put their EYE up next to it. I would feel very very self-conscious if I had a visible black inclusion in my stone. It would be like wearing a wedding dress with a stain on the front. Couldn't the stain be near the hem at least or under the train? You know, just talking in girl terms that maybe a guy can understand. Say you got a new car but there was a big crack right in the middle of your windshield? I mean, you'd probably wish you had gotten maybe not such a big car or as nice a car with a windshield you could see through.

You did an amazing thing with such care and thoughtfulness. That is one AMAZING FIREBALL of a stone and a gorgeous setting to boot. I don't think that she doesn't appreciate that for one second. I think it's just that both of you are very hurt right now. It's all a misunderstanding. It happens. E-rings can be very symbolic and it's probably the inclusion that bothers her because here's this beautiful thing that represents purity and there's a teeny black blob in it. You know? No one said emotions were logical - often they are IRRATIONAL, yes. But you're marrying a person and human beings are emotional at times.

I hope that helps. Hey, at least you didn't get engaged to someone who was mad that it wasn't 2 carats and therefore wasn't acceptable. (I have heard of these horror stories, so consider yourself lucky!) The inclusion thing is a symbolic argument. The other arguments can be touchier.

I wish you two the best.

 

[cdogstu99]

Gypsy, Bliss..i think you put in perspective for me. I think maybe i made a bad decision, that i need to essentially own up to it and just trade it in for an eye clean stone. Thanks for the help.

 

[bowral1]

First off let me start by saying I am sorry to hear that happened.

Secondly it sounds like both of you are hurt by each others choices/actions. You hurt her feelings by getting her a S12 ring with a visible inclusion and not as Tiffany’s, and her by being ungrateful and basically (in your eyes) not likening the ring you put soooooo much effort into.

It may be that to her those inclusions might go deeper . . . . . like that fact that you thought a visibly deformed diamond is what you want your wife to wear for the rest of her life. Probably NO ONE would ever look that close, but she would know. I am not knocking the clarity rating at all; just that it sounds like that might be something that matters to her.

Thirdly, I too dreamed of a Tiffany ring when my boyfriend and I started the journey for a diamond. Once I started to do the research I realize how overpriced they where, but I don’t think that I could have come to that conclusion without doing the research on my own . . . . .looking at EVERY online vendor website etc. The more I researched the more I realized that it just wasn’t worth it for us.

Fourthly, I am not a materialistic person at all. I am cheap and conservative with my money (never pay more than $50 for any article of clothing, make up, hair cuts at Great Clips, etc).

However, having said that even someone who doesn’t get hung up on brand names a ring is a big thing . .. . . and it’s the one thing I have decided that I am going to be picky/shallow about. You are right the ring shouldn’t be that big of a deal. It’s the rest of your life with the person you love, but sometimes even the most un-materialistic people can want something that they consider nice for their engagement ring.

Melissa

PS women are emotional not irrational, unlike men who always want to be practical . . . . .but a ring isn’t a practical choice for some of us

 

[doodle]

Date: 5/6/2009 12:36:00 AM
Author: cdogstu99
Gypsy, Bliss..i think you put in perspective for me. I think maybe i made a bad decision, that i need to essentially own up to it and just trade it in for an eye clean stone. Thanks for the help.

I think this is a good idea, but I also think you really need to talk to her and make sure that once you do so, she''ll be happy with the ring. Make sure you two are on the same page and that both of you will be happy with the decision so that you don''t have to go through round two of this whole thing and have even more hurt feelings on both sides. Last piece of advice--post pix. We kind of tend to eat that stuff up!

 

[CharmyPoo]

Maybe you can look at the bright side of it all. You two obviously have a good relationship where she is open enough to speak to you about her feelings. You are comfortable to voice your feelings. Sounds like communication is two-way!

Would you rather she pretend to love the ring? I doubt that. At the end of the day, the engagement ring is really a material item (at least to me but maybe I am shallow). Your relationship and love goes beyond that (I mean she did accept your proposal). So treat the ring as an expensive gift and get her what she wants. You obviously spent a lot of time on it but it wasn't aligned to what she wanted. I wouldn't love a visible inclusion too although others may. You probably won't be able to start over and get a Tiffany ring but you can switch out the diamond. The Tiffany ring can come later for her. And heck ... if she really wants a Tiffany ring or start over ... ask her to chip in. Ruins it a little? Yeah .. probably but it was started when she told you she wanted another ring. It has already become a material item.

I was in a similar situation. I accidently saw the ring prior to the proposal and it wasn't what I wanted. I went back and forth trying to figure out if I should say something. At the end of the day, I did .. we talked it out and I found out he felt the same way (ring didn't turn out the way he imagined). My darling boyfriend just wants me to be happy so we have been working on the ring. None of this changes how we feel about each other. Is he upset that I want to change the diamond? Yes, he is because he loves it but he wants me to love it and he knows that I love him with or without the diamond.