Why do some men wait till after the ring is returnable to propose?

[Gypsy]

Okay I genuinely don''t get this.

Why do some guys wait till after the return period expires on their ring to propose?

It baffles me every time I read a post that mentions this.

And if a store doesn''t have a return policy... why buy from them unless it''s a crazy good deal? I''ve negotiated return windows with vendors that don''t allow returns. Or I''ve walked away. When I''m spending 1000s of dollars, I expect that either it will be perfect, or I will return it. Now, I''m not talking about custom settings (that''s different) or pieces, I''m talking ''the rock.''

What''s up with this?

 

[Circe]

I honestly have no idea, but I''d bet it was linked to the impulse to only ask a question on a diamond board AFTER making a purchase ....

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 5/4/2009 8:16:57 PM
Author: Circe
I honestly have no idea, but I''d bet it was linked to the impulse to only ask a question on a diamond board AFTER making a purchase ....

HA! Ditto!

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 5/4/2009 8:16:57 PM
Author: Circe
I honestly have no idea, but I''d bet it was linked to the impulse to only ask a question on a diamond board AFTER making a purchase ....

And then there is that. I mean, AGAIN if you are in the return window. ASK. But if you are not? I mean, really? Do you want to know?

 

[Snicklefritz]

I imagine that it has something to do with the fact that many men can''t even fathom the idea that their beloved would even consider returning the ring they chose.

 

[musey]

Date: 5/4/2009 8:16:57 PM
Author: Circe
I honestly have no idea, but I'd bet it was linked to the impulse to only ask a question on a diamond board AFTER making a purchase ....

LOL!

I have no idea, but I'd bet most of them don't even think about it. They can only handle one step at a time.


Step 1) Say you're ready to get married and actually mean it.

Step 2) Take a break - that personal discovery took a lot outta him.

Step 3) Start looking at rings. Get overwhelmed.

Step 4) Take break. Wait until SO gets obviously annoyed at waiting period.

Step 5) Now that SO is good and impatient, start looking at rings again. Make choice.

Step 6) Post on PS asking for feedback/advice when really only looking for positive reinforcement (but don't admit to this under any circumstances)

Step 7) Allow doubt to set in over not-so-positive PS feedback (skip to step 9) OR buy ripoff and/or poor quality ring (interchangeable) (continue to step

Step Reconsider ring purchase and return (OR in a few cases propose with said ring and wait for new fiancee to ask for something different)

Step 9) Return to PS with tail between legs and follow PSers advice

Step 10) Buy PS quality ring

Step 11) Ponder exhaustion over preceding 10 steps (including breaks) until long past return period

Step 12) Propose



Poor guys... It's a lot to handle.

 

[BeachRunner]

Date: 5/4/2009 8:47:47 PM
Author: musey

Date: 5/4/2009 8:16:57 PM

Author: Circe

I honestly have no idea, but I''d bet it was linked to the impulse to only ask a question on a diamond board AFTER making a purchase ....

LOL!


I have no idea, but I''d bet most of them don''t even think about it. They can only handle one step at a time.



Step 1) Say you''re ready to get married and actually mean it.


Step 2) Take a break - that personal discovery took a lot outta him.


Step 3) Start looking at rings. Get overwhelmed.


Step 4) Take break. Wait until SO gets obviously annoyed at waiting period.


Step 5) Now that SO is good and impatient, start looking at rings again. Make choice.


Step 6) Post on PS asking for feedback/advice when really only looking for positive reinforcement (but don''t admit to this under any circumstances)


Step 7) Allow doubt to set in over not-so-positive PS feedback (skip to step 9) OR buy ripoff and/or poor quality ring (interchangeable) (continue to step


Step Reconsider ring purchase and return (OR in a few cases propose with said ring and wait for new fiancee to ask for something different)


Step 9) Return to PS with tail between legs and follow PSers advice


Step 10) Buy PS quality ring



Step 11) Ponder exhaustion over preceding 10 steps (including breaks) until long past return period


Step 12) Propose




Poor guys... It''s a lot to handle.

LOL! This sounds about right! But, I''m sure they are thinking about so many others things, they don''t even think about RETURNING it.

 

[iheartscience]

HA! Nice steps, musey!

 

[ckrickett]

Date: 5/4/2009 8:47:47 PM
Author: musey

Date: 5/4/2009 8:16:57 PM
Author: Circe
I honestly have no idea, but I''d bet it was linked to the impulse to only ask a question on a diamond board AFTER making a purchase ....

LOL!

I have no idea, but I''d bet most of them don''t even think about it. They can only handle one step at a time.


Step 1) Say you''re ready to get married and actually mean it.

Step 2) Take a break - that personal discovery took a lot outta him.

Step 3) Start looking at rings. Get overwhelmed.

Step 4) Take break. Wait until SO gets obviously annoyed at waiting period.

Step 5) Now that SO is good and impatient, start looking at rings again. Make choice.

Step 6) Post on PS asking for feedback/advice when really only looking for positive reinforcement (but don''t admit to this under any circumstances)

Step 7) Allow doubt to set in over not-so-positive PS feedback (skip to step 9) OR buy ripoff and/or poor quality ring (interchangeable) (continue to step

Step Reconsider ring purchase and return (OR in a few cases propose with said ring and wait for new fiancee to ask for something different)

Step 9) Return to PS with tail between legs and follow PSers advice

Step 10) Buy PS quality ring

Step 11) Ponder exhaustion over preceding 10 steps (including breaks) until long past return period

Step 12) Propose



Poor guys... It''s a lot to handle.

You know men so well!
hah that was an aboslute BULLSEYE!

 

[musey]

Oh, and I forgot to add to my steps that they should wait until birthday/anniversary/Valentine''s Day/Christmas/New Year''s Eve is <2 weeks away before deciding that that, in fact, MUST be the day for the proposal. And then of course decide that they MUST have a diamond with super hard to find specs, as well as a fully custom setting - because nothing else will do.

Then post on PS and act flabbergasted when people say they they don''t have enough time to do what they want within said must-propose time frame.

 

[Kelli]

Date: 5/4/2009 10:48:14 PM
Author: musey
Oh, and I forgot to add to my steps that they should wait until birthday/anniversary/Valentine''s Day/Christmas/New Year''s Eve is <2 weeks away before deciding that that, in fact, MUST be the day for the proposal. And then of course decide that they MUST have a diamond with super hard to find specs, as well as a fully custom setting - because nothing else will do.

Then post on PS and act flabbergasted when people say they they don''t have enough time to do what they want within said must-propose time frame.

LOL!!! I''ve seen this a lot!

 

[Gypsy]

Musey... it''s like watching 4 years of my life flash in front of my eyes. That''s Rt to a T sometimes.

 

[kittybean]

Again, Musey, you are exactly on point. I don''t even post much in RT, and I find it totally exasperating to read posts like that!

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 5/4/2009 11:29:16 PM
Author: Gypsy
Musey... it''s like watching 4 years of my life flash in front of my eyes. That''s Rt to a T sometimes.

Hehe, we have seen it all....

 

[bee*]

Love the steps Musey! It always baffles me as well when the question is asked after the ring is bought, especially when it''s non-refundable.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 5/4/2009 10:48:14 PM
Author: musey
Oh, and I forgot to add to my steps that they should wait until birthday/anniversary/Valentine''s Day/Christmas/New Year''s Eve is <2 weeks away before deciding that that, in fact, MUST be the day for the proposal. And then of course decide that they MUST have a diamond with super hard to find specs, as well as a fully custom setting - because nothing else will do.

Then post on PS and act flabbergasted when people say they they don''t have enough time to do what they want within said must-propose time frame.

LOL, too true!

I had a friend do that to me - even worse he wanted a tsavorite centre-stone and a custom setting all in 2 weeks...

Amazingly Wink managed to pull all the stops out and we found the stone, did the setting and shipped the whole thing in time. I had no fingernails left...

I refused to help my BIL with his ring as I KNEW he''d pull the same stunt. I talked to the diamond dealer who did do his ring a few weeks ago and he asked why I hadn''t helped out - when I said it was because I knew he''d only decide to do it the week before he needed the ring, the guy thanked me for landing him in it - he was given 5 days notice!

 

[makemepretty]

I think it''s because it''s a GIFT. I don''t understand why it''s appropriate to think it''s ok to return a gift from a loved one. It makes my heart break every time I read a post about someone who hates their new ring. Until I started reading a diamond board, I didn''t know so many women PICK OUT their own ring.

I''m old fashioned so I see the old movies where the guy surprises the woman with an engagement ring on bended knee....it''s never occurred to me that a woman would say "Yes, I''ll marry you, but can we return what you''ve chosen and pick something I''d like better?" I think mostly people are getting what they want as an engagement ring because it''s not that old fashioned way anymore. It''s not the stay at home wife with a husband being the bread winner. People don''t get married as young or stay married as long either. I remember one sil picking out the ring she wanted before the proposal. She basically said "if you want to marry me, THIS is the only ring I''ll accept". I kid you not.

So, the real reason a guy waits is because he''s taken the time to pick out something pretty and risk asking a woman to spend the rest of their lives together and he waits for the perfect time to do that. He honestly does NOT realize she might not like the ring, that''s why he doesn''t mind that the return time has passed, because why would she return it unless she was going to say no...and I don''t think he''d ask at all if he thought she would say no to his proposal. That''s just my opinion though.

 

[babysteps]

Date: 5/5/2009 7:46:21 AM
Author: makemepretty
I think it''s because it''s a GIFT. I don''t understand why it''s appropriate to think it''s ok to return a gift from a loved one. It makes my heart break every time I read a post about someone who hates their new ring. Until I started reading a diamond board, I didn''t know so many women PICK OUT their own ring.


I''m old fashioned so I see the old movies where the guy surprises the woman with an engagement ring on bended knee....it''s never occurred to me that a woman would say ''Yes, I''ll marry you, but can we return what you''ve chosen and pick something I''d like better?'' I think mostly people are getting what they want as an engagement ring because it''s not that old fashioned way anymore. It''s not the stay at home wife with a husband being the bread winner. People don''t get married as young or stay married as long either. I remember one sil picking out the ring she wanted before the proposal. She basically said ''if you want to marry me, THIS is the only ring I''ll accept''. I kid you not.


So, the real reason a guy waits is because he''s taken the time to pick out something pretty and risk asking a woman to spend the rest of their lives together and he waits for the perfect time to do that. He honestly does NOT realize she might not like the ring, that''s why he doesn''t mind that the return time has passed, because why would she return it unless she was going to say no...and I don''t think he''d ask at all if he thought she would say no to his proposal. That''s just my opinion though.

I think this can get kind of murky - an engagement ring is usually considered a conditional gift, not an outright gift - there''s an implied condition of marriage attached to it. And it''s such an emotional, significant piece of jewelry - I think it needs to be something that the woman really likes (within realistic constraints of budget, etc.) and I think a lot of woman do want to have input into the ring. I wanted to be surprised, but my fiancee did suss out some of the basics - I preferred a round stone in a simple setting. I think the disconnect for me is when the hypothetical male poster in question proposes outside the return window and apparently had no idea what his girlfriend actually wanted (I have seen posts like this) - how do you not know? How do you not KNOW you don''t know what she likes? Did it never come up? Ever? And yet, you leave yourself no out via a return to get something that you both like? It does confuse me.

Don''t get me wrong, I am not talking about the situation where the guy has really tried to do his homework, and got it right, except the GF wishes it had been 2 carats larger, or whatever - I feel for those guys. And I also feel terrible when I read a post where some lovely girl has shown her future fiancee 73 pictures of a tiffany solitaire setting, and ends up with an Edwardian-style ring, or showed him 86 photos of an emerald cut only to be proposed to with a solitaire - they are all beautiful, but they need to feel beautiful to the person who will be wearing it.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 5/5/2009 7:46:21 AM
Author: makemepretty
I think it's because it's a GIFT. I don't understand why it's appropriate to think it's ok to return a gift from a loved one. It makes my heart break every time I read a post about someone who hates their new ring. Until I started reading a diamond board, I didn't know so many women PICK OUT their own ring.

I'm old fashioned so I see the old movies where the guy surprises the woman with an engagement ring on bended knee....it's never occurred to me that a woman would say 'Yes, I'll marry you, but can we return what you've chosen and pick something I'd like better?' I think mostly people are getting what they want as an engagement ring because it's not that old fashioned way anymore. It's not the stay at home wife with a husband being the bread winner. People don't get married as young or stay married as long either. I remember one sil picking out the ring she wanted before the proposal. She basically said 'if you want to marry me, THIS is the only ring I'll accept'. I kid you not.

So, the real reason a guy waits is because he's taken the time to pick out something pretty and risk asking a woman to spend the rest of their lives together and he waits for the perfect time to do that. He honestly does NOT realize she might not like the ring, that's why he doesn't mind that the return time has passed, because why would she return it unless she was going to say no...and I don't think he'd ask at all if he thought she would say no to his proposal. That's just my opinion though.

I think the whole e-ring being part of the proposal is the problem nowadays.

In the UK it is far more normal for the couple to shop together AFTER the proposal. Members of our Royal Family have all chosen their engagement rings together.

The ring is a symbol to celebrate the commitment and promises made - it is not a gift in the normal sense. Typically the man pays for it - but this is merely tradition and stems from the time when women probably didn't have independent money. So the whole 'old fashioned, wanting the man to pick the ring and suprise me' thing is actually a pretty modern concept.

Frankly if a man is taking a 'risk' in asking a girl to marry him then he shouldn't be asking - in today's world there should have been enough serious discussion between the couple that the answer is no suprise. Anyone who gets engaged in a whirlwind of pink-tinted romance and no underlying substance is more than likely to end up in trouble down the line. I wanted to be suprised by 'how and when' the proposal happened and hoped that my FFI put some thought and effort into it - I did not want to be suprised by the most important piece of jewellery I will ever own.

I chose and designed my own ring - with my then FI's input - after the proposal. He was only too happy to know that I was getting the ring of my dreams and even now says that although he doesn't personally 'get' how something so small can cost SO much, it was worth every penny because he sees the look on my face whenever I look at it even several years later.

Surely every man should want to see that look on their fiancee's face? Why don't they consider how they would feel if they had no input into something that they are supposed to wear everyday for the rest of their lives? I think it's actually quite arrogant for a man to think "This is my gift and she will jolly well like it because I chose it"... even worse is when the girl has taken the time to explain what she does like and they blatantly ignore that.

I bought my DH a camera as an engagement gift, but he got to choose it. I wouldn't dare try and guess the specs that he would want - and if I had, well I wouldn't/shouldn't be too suprised if we were taking it back and changing it a week later!

Some girls want to be suprised and will love whatever they are given, others - and especially girls who belong to a diamond forum are less likely to feel that way. That's not to say that a bit of graciousness isn't a good thing - I find women who DEMAND a certain type of ring to be rather tacky. You should go for the best you can within what you and your FI have decided is your AFFORDABLE budget, whether that is a 3ct from Graff or a 0.25ct - and no shame in offering to pay for some of it yourself.

I spend a fair amount of time helping friends with e-rings and I so prefer it when the couple come together. Even I feel slightly sick and nervous when we are flying blind on what the girl may or may not want and I almost always steer the guy towards something 'safe' - even with couples who have been living together for years, the man rarely KNOWS exactly what she will like!

 

[Steel]

Date: 5/4/2009 8:01:09 PM
Author:Gypsy

Why do some guys wait till after the return period expires on their ring to propose?

Must....delay...actual....proposal....until.....very......l....a....s....t..................m.......o.....m......e......n......t

 

[LaurenThePartier]

I never got this either . . . especially the idea that going browsing for rings and getting an idea of what she likes is going to spoil "the surprise".

 

[princesss]

If they can''t return the ring, she can''t say no.

Duh.

 

[musey]

Date: 5/5/2009 11:30:23 AM
Author: princesss
If they can''t return the ring, she can''t say no.


Duh.

 

[Circe]

Date: 5/5/2009 7:46:21 AM
Author: makemepretty
I think it''s because it''s a GIFT. I don''t understand why it''s appropriate to think it''s ok to return a gift from a loved one. It makes my heart break every time I read a post about someone who hates their new ring ....


.... I think mostly people are getting what they want as an engagement ring because it''s not that old fashioned way anymore. It''s not the stay at home wife with a husband being the bread winner. People don''t get married as young or stay married as long either.

*

You know, I used to think that returning a gift would be wrong myself ... and then I noticed that all the men in my life do it. It was one thing when it was just my dad (gift receipt a MUST, as that man is *picky*), but then I met my husband, and he did it too, and he explained it to me in a fashion I could parse. What good did a gift do if the receiver couldn''t use it/didn''t enjoy it? And what did it say about a relationship if you couldn''t be honest about it? I think that applies here pretty nicely ....

Re: the fact that the rules are changing because we''re not so old-fashioned anymore, I say hallelujiah! That implies that women aren''t trapped into being agreeable as they would have been with no autonomy and no paycheck. I''m liking the symbolism of women having a say in the ring more and more and more!

*Selectively quoted because I still haven''t figured out how to highlight ....

 

[princesss]

Date: 5/5/2009 11:35:24 AM
Author: musey

Date: 5/5/2009 11:30:23 AM
Author: princesss
If they can''t return the ring, she can''t say no.


Duh.

Typed in my very best valley girl voice, obvi.

 

[Rhea]

Date: 5/5/2009 11:30:23 AM
Author: princesss
If they can''t return the ring, she can''t say no.


Duh.

Best line ever!

 

[poshpepper]

Date: 5/4/2009 8:42:49 PM
Author: Snicklefritz
I imagine that it has something to do with the fact that many men can't even fathom the idea that their beloved would even consider returning the ring they chose.

I really think this is the reason behind it mostly.


And just want to add that ITA with Pandora, very well said!!! I am so glad that my hubby was open to (and asked me to) help him pick out the ring. It was so romantic and sweet.

 

[Gypsy]

On the one hand, yes it is a gift.

On the other hand, gifts don''t happen in a vaccum. I mean sure... your Great Aun Fanny knits everyone sweaters in rainbow colors for birthdays, but short of that (and especially for your significant other) people tailor gifts to the recipient as a general rule. I wouldn''t get a vegan a gift certificate to Ruth''s Chris. I wouldn''t buy a manual transmission for a person that sits in LA traffic and commutes long hours to work unless the specifically wanted one. You know?

So okay, I get ithat t''s a gift. But I guess I don''t get why ''normal'' gift giving rules don''t apply. Traditional or not.

I love it when a guy says he''s found out what she wants through either direct or indirect means. If my husband spent thousands on anything for me and didn''t do his homework, I''d be ticked. But most especially the ring that symbolizes his intent to marry me. I would hope he would spend more attention making sure it''s the right thing (or that I can return it if it''s not) than nearly anything else he''s purchased. And frankly, I''d be disappointed if he didn''t.

 

[vintagelover229]

Date: 5/5/2009 8:53:21 PM
Author: Gypsy
On the one hand, yes it is a gift.

On the other hand, gifts don''t happen in a vaccum. I mean sure... your Great Aun Fanny knits everyone sweaters in rainbow colors for birthdays, but short of that (and especially for your significant other) people tailor gifts to the recipient as a general rule. I wouldn''t get a vegan a gift certificate to Ruth''s Chris. I wouldn''t buy a manual transmission for a person that sits in LA traffic and commutes long hours to work unless the specifically wanted one. You know?

So okay, I get ithat t''s a gift. But I guess I don''t get why ''normal'' gift giving rules don''t apply. Traditional or not.

I love it when a guy says he''s found out what she wants through either direct or indirect means. If my husband spent thousands on anything for me and didn''t do his homework, I''d be ticked. But most especially the ring that symbolizes his intent to marry me. I would hope he would spend more attention making sure it''s the right thing (or that I can return it if it''s not) than nearly anything else he''s purchased. And frankly, I''d be disappointed if he didn''t.

I agee with you 100%.

I mean...if a guy wants to propose THAT BADLY...get her a stone in a temp setting and let her pick out her setting. And most vendors allow a return policy if she doesnt like the stone...for example: she didnt know that a cushion cut existed...and thought she wanted princess cut...until she saw a cushion...well...now she can get the cushion cut stone! YAY for both of you!

I know thats how I was. I saw the cushette and had to have it...thankfully GOG had one...but then I saw those chunky, large culet, old OMC...and dear lord...I was a GONER! I mean...my ring just didnt do it like THOSE DID....I mean...how could it? It''s like comparing the royal jewels to a piece of coal..except the coal sparkeld!

Thankfully my huuby is kind enough to use my b-day, v-day, and x-mas to upgrade my stone to the OMC that GOG is cutting. But if he would have proposed and those would have been out at the same time...I have to admit...I would have returned it because there is something speical that those OMC''s do to my heart...they make it go pitter patter and beat faster and stop all at the same time!

Its like they were cut special for me!

I think EVERY WOMAN should have her ring take her breath away every time she looks at it (unless of course she finds PS and then it happends everyday looking at the eye candy).




My big ??? for the guys are...why are you so offended? If I can''t pick out your jean, shoes, or even hair cut w/o you throwing a hissy fit about how it makes you look "unmanly" or you wont carry my purse...well dang it...dont pick out my ring without my help! I have to wear it EVERYDAY...and women LOOK at this thing ALL THE TIME! I mean...I should love it with my whole heart...its not like I love you any less because you picked out something you liked...its just that men and women are DIFFERENT...and well...its hard to read us sometimes (come on...most of us change our minds on our rings when we ARE helping pick them out...what are the ones who didnt have a say supposed to feel

)

 

[cara]

opps posted in wrong thread.