Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchase

[diamondseeker2006]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

This is so ridiculous that he has to be trying to fool you so as to suprise you with a lovely stone you'd love. He and his mom are in on it. That's only thing that makes sense, since he is American.
Otherwise, this is the craziest thing I've ever heard and you should get away from crazies.
Sorry. Just MHO.

I have to agree with this. But it isn't funny if it is the first scenario.

 

[sweetpea&babycorn]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Oh, Lemonpoppy this sounds like a terrible position to be in, I"m so sorry to hear this! You've gotten some amazing advice here, and I think it's really important to compromise somehow with your bf. I agree that this could be the beginning of a slippery slope.

This all sounds like someone or multiple people are feeling insecure for no good reason. The ring does not represent the strength of a relationship, nor does it make someone better than the other. But if you're going to throw down big bucks for a ring, why wouldn't you want to get the best quality possible? Maybe you can present this perspective to your bf, and tell him that since he is willing to spend such a large sum of money on your ring, you'd like to get as high quality as possible. I also don't know if it would be helpful to use a comparison for something he could relate to - like golf clubs, or watches.

Do you think you could try to talk a little more with your bf's brother and SIL to try to get an idea of where this could be coming from? Perhaps your bf's brother said something to his mother? It's definitely tougher when mothers get involved. It sounds like your SIL was very supportive of helping you find what you would like, so I don't think the source of making sure your bf doesn't "one up" his brother is coming from her.

Whatever you do, I hope it all works out for the best! Please keep us updated, and always remember to advocate for yourself! You are also in this relationship, and you'll be the one wearing the ring!

 

[OneNole03]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I agree that this does not make any sense. Has this been the first indication of any issues with his mother or brother? I just find it very hard to believe that your SO would pull a 180 like that so abruptly. Its either he does not have the money he led you to believe, or he is doing a joke and surprise you with the ring you have always wanted.

Guys are typically too competitive to want to settle to appease anyone. At least that is how I was. This would definitely be a huge red flag, especially if he has shown indications of this in the past.

 

[distracts]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I just spoke with bf's mother on the phone and she told me the same thing! She also told me to have a wedding at a city hall because just like her other son. I knew bf is a mama's boy, but this is ridiculous. "Oh honey, please think about A. How would you feel if you were her?"

I'd feel happy for you and your boyfriend taking the next step in your lives together! Like a normal person! I would have even said that to her! B---- needs to learn how to act, for serious!

You're asking for an opinion so I'll give it. Being told that someone's feelings will be hurt if you don't do x/y/z is emotionally manipulative. And if it is a cultural difference, then you have to decide if is one that will make you happy.

Yes, this. If this is happening now, it will happen with every major decision, and you have to work with your bf to resolve this, work on planned courses of action for future interference like this, and then decide whether or not you're willing to put up with this BS for the rest of your life. And I think you should really go to counseling to deal with it. My fiance and I went to counseling to deal with his crazytown family (among other things) and our relationship is much stronger because of it. It sounds like your situation may be a little similar, like maybe he just can't say no to his mom when she lays the big guilt trips on him, even though he feels horrible about it, and he may just need help to know it's okay to tell his mother to back off if she's being crazy. Sometimes that just escalates the crazy but if it does you just have to continue saying "no," like you do to a child throwing a temper-tantrum about something.

I honestly don't think you should try to "compromise" with the family by telling them yours isn't a brand name or whatever. Who the eff cares? They need to grow up and act like adult people who realize that the decisions of other adult people are not reflections on or judgments of their decisions. It sounds like it's the mom and not the brother/sis-in-law who has the problem, so just tell her to stuff it.

My bf's brother and his wife have been married for three years and have an adorable baby boy. I really wish my my bf had talked to me first. I don't mind getting a smaller, say a 1 carat or less stone, but don't want to settle on a solitaire like he suggested! I also don't want a diamond with a visible inclusion or tint.

DUDE NO. DON'T COMPROMISE ON SMALLER. If you compromise on this, you'll be settling for less forever, because you'll have shown your bf and his mom that it's okay to treat you like you don't matter. Don't let them do that - teach them how you want to be treated.

 

[Lemonpoppy]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I can't thank everyone enough for their nice comments. All I know is that money is not an issue for sure, we have cash much more than 20k in our joint account alone. I'm going to talk to my bf first, but if he doesn't want to say anything, I'll reach out to other members of his family. We've never had a big issue like this. One thing I can remember is he told me not to wear my Rolex watch in front of them. I didn't understand why. They make more many and can afford to buy one if they want, I'm sure.

 

[Joolz]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Let me get this straight, he wants to you to get a ring that you will not be happy with, so that his mother and SIL will be happy? And what about your siblings (assuming you have any), are they supposed to get something of lesser size and quality than your ring?
I can’t imagine how it will go down if you want to honeymoon somewhere exotic, buy a new car, etc. I think this is only the tip of the iceberg and only you can decide if you want to live your life this way.

I just spoke with bf's mother on the phone and she told me the same thing! She also told me to have a wedding at a city hall because just like her other son. I knew bf is a mama's boy, but this is ridiculous. "Oh honey, please think about A. How would you feel if you were her?" I love bf's family and they have been really nice to me, but again, this is ridiculous. As some of you suggested, I need to talk to him wen he gets home tonight.

Dreamer, my bf is younger than his brother. And if this matters, my bf is Jewish and was born and raised here in the US.

How are you supposed to feel being guilted into buying a ring that you are already disappointed in??

 

[sweetpea&babycorn]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I agree that this does not make any sense. Has this been the first indication of any issues with his mother or brother? I just find it very hard to believe that your SO would pull a 180 like that so abruptly. Its either he does not have the money he led you to believe, or he is doing a joke and surprise you with the ring you have always wanted.

Guys are typically too competitive to want to settle to appease anyone. At least that is how I was. This would definitely be a huge red flag, especially if he has shown indications of this in the past.

I hope it's the latter, but to go about it like this is cruel and he would've been better off starting off by saying that he wanted something lower quality! I also agree about how competitive guys are! My bf's twin brother recently proposed to his gf, but even before this, I told my bf what I was looking for without any idea or care for what his brother's gf wanted, and when we picked the ring the first thing he said was, "do you think this will be bigger and prettier than Emily's (bf's brother's gf) ring?" I hope Lemonpoppy can get to the bottom of what is going on here, it's very distressing!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I can't thank everyone enough for their nice comments. All I know is that money is not an issue for sure, we have cash much more than 20k in our joint account alone. I'm going to talk to my bf first, but if he doesn't want to say anything, I'll reach out to other members of his family. We've never had a big issue like this. One thing I can remember is he told me not to wear my Rolex watch in front of them. I didn't understand why. They make more many and can afford to buy one if they want, I'm sure.

I very seriously would NOT speak to the brother and sister-in-law about this! It is NONE of their business!!!! Long ago, my diamond e-ring was one carat. I can promise you that when my husband's only sister got engaged that no one sought our approval for him to give her a 1.2 ct. diamond. In fact, I have never ever thought about that!!! Of course, I didn't ask them when we upgraded mine to 1.5 either!!! Why? Because it is no one else's business!!!

And I'd get it straight that it feels dishonest to hide things like your Rolex watch from them, too! Good grief!!!

(Let me add that I would be sensitive to wearing too much bling to see people who are poor, unemployed, etc. But that does not sound like it is the case here.)

 

[SB621]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I can't thank everyone enough for their nice comments. All I know is that money is not an issue for sure, we have cash much more than 20k in our joint account alone. I'm going to talk to my bf first, but if he doesn't want to say anything, I'll reach out to other members of his family. We've never had a big issue like this. One thing I can remember is he told me not to wear my Rolex watch in front of them. I didn't understand why. They make more many and can afford to buy one if they want, I'm sure.

Why are you reaching out to other members of his family? They should stay out of it. Keep this between YOU and HIM. Stop asking your future MIL and everyone else. Talk to your boyfriend. And as an American Jew any wedding you have that is not done by a Rabbi (aka a court house wedding) will not be recongized. just an FYI

And I just have to add that this would be a huge red flag for me. perhaps you should think about pushing the engagment back if you can't agree on putting your needs first before his mother and sil especially with a situation like this.

 

[partgypsy]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I first off agree with everyone here, that you do NOT want to start a precedent that you have to get the MIL's, BIL's Sister IL's OK for every decision that you make as a couple are making. That is recipe for disaster. Picking out an engagement ring is you and your fiances own business. It would be nice if your fiance made that clear to the MIL.
Still, people do talk and I wonder where this is coming from. I don't buy it just because it is the older brother. One thing I find telling, is the comment to not wear your Rolex. Do they not approve of conspicuous consumption? (though a 1.2 carat Tiffany would certainly fall in that category). Do they feel you spend your money unwisely, or will not have enough money for the wedding if you spent that amount on the ring? Just speculating.

If you wanted to avoid the scenario of being more conspicuous than the SIL, then get a 1.2 carat, ideal cut in your favored specs. They would see it wasn't bigger than the Ilaws, and it's not "brand name" so you both have your cake (the ring you want) and would appear to be more modest than the SIL .

But in general, I would advise you to do what I would anyone who is buying an engagement ring. Have a heart to heart what the true budget is, and try to get the best stone and ring for that amount, prioritizing what is most important to you.
I'm hoping this will still turn out to be an exciting and fun process for you!

 

[jstarfireb]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

What an awful situation!

First of all, I want to say that there's nothing inherently wrong with J color and below and SI2 clarity (if eye-clean). Some people actually prefer those specs, but I also understand how it could be a disappointment if you have your heart set on something else. I prefer whiter and less included stones too.

The real problem is that he's placing his brother, SIL, and mother above you in major decisions, and this to me is a red flag for marriage. It won't change as he gets older. I'd have a serious talk with him again, and maybe even consider showing him this thread. And don't feel guilty about it...this doesn't seem to be a cultural issue and is not about you asking for something you guys can't afford; it's not even about the ring. It's about his priorities and promising you one thing, then changing his mind because he doesn't want you to have something "better" than his SIL. My guess is that this isn't even coming from his brother and SIL. Odds are they couldn't care less if you have a bigger or better ring.

If you can come to some sort of compromise, what about getting a 1-1.2ct non-name brand (e.g. not Tiffany, Cartier, etc.) AGS ideal stone, but keep the setting style you want and shoot for the color and clarity you want as well. If his brother would make a stink about the specs, just tell his brother it's a J/SI2, and unless he's a diamond expert, he won't know the difference.

 

[blessedchik]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Hmmm..Newbie here to the boards, but have to respond to this.

If ever there were 'red flags', I would say look carefully at this. Marriage is between the two of you. No one else. If he weighs more heavily his families opinions, desires, and wants more than yours before your marriage, what do you think will happen after your marriage? I've seen it happen time and time again, where the bride thinks "Well, it's ok, I want to fit in, be loved, will compromise", only to later on in years have bigger battles, a weak marriage and a lack of support from his family. There MUST be boundaries set in place from day one. YOU are HIS, HE is YOURS. He is to love, support, and care for you first and foremost, as are you to him.

Ask him why. Discuss how your marriage is to function. Who will make the decisions (him or his family). And tell him to 'set the tone'. If he won't...there's your answer dear.

 

[CrisM]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

LP, please be careful of inviting other people into your marriage.

If at any point a conversation needs to happen with any of the members of BF's family, he should be the one to do it. How else will they know he supports and respects you?

I don't recall who it was who already posted this but it bears repeating (I'm paraphrasing): you teach people how you want to be treated.

 

[rubybeth]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I can't thank everyone enough for their nice comments. All I know is that money is not an issue for sure, we have cash much more than 20k in our joint account alone. I'm going to talk to my bf first, but if he doesn't want to say anything, I'll reach out to other members of his family. We've never had a big issue like this. One thing I can remember is he told me not to wear my Rolex watch in front of them. I didn't understand why. They make more many and can afford to buy one if they want, I'm sure.

This is quite possibly the weirdest thing I've ever read on PS. Absolutely, under NO circumstances, should you 'reach out to other members of his family' about this. If he refuses to talk to you about this whackadoodle nonsense, refuse to get engaged at all. Seriously, is this for real?

Having a nicer ring, watch, car, house, whatever than somebody else has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH RESPECT! I mean, what?! That makes no sense!! This sounds like his family does not understand the meaning of the word 'respect.' Respect would be not rubbing it in their faces that you have a bigger ring or nicer watch, but simply owning and wearing it is not 'disrespectful.' I have nicer, larger diamond earrings than my own MOTHER but she's just happy for me because I love bling, and she isn't choosing to feel 'disrespected' that I have something of better quality. Getting engaged/planning a wedding brings out a LOT of weirdness in people. Impending marriage seems to bring out the skeletons. What in the world has happened in this family to make their sense of respect so skewed??

 

[decodelighted]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Ha! Your future mother-in-law is behind this whole thing and guess what -- she likes "A" better than you! I wonder how big *her* engagement ring is & if the brother chose what he did so as not to upstage MOM's ring!

WHY ON EARTH does anyone have to know the exact carat weight and stats of your ring ANYWAY? Ask your boyfriend if YOU can pick it out within your budget & you won't tell anyone what it is EVER.

Can you never have a nicer car or bigger house than everyone else has? This seems like a LIFE LONG PROBLEM that has nothing to do with "respect" and everything to do with "CONTROL" -- as in, your future fiance is CONTROLLED by his family. And seems to like it that way.

BEWARE.


ETA: And I totally think this is a test as to whether you'll roll over for the rest of your life & be a 2nd class citizen in their sickly established family pecking order. And if you are "greedy" and "insensitive" enough to ask for more -- YOU FAIL THE TEST. How awful for you. Maybe you'd be dodging a bullet w/this kooky group.

 

[smitcompton]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Hi,

I doubt your BIL or SIL care at all. I think the culprit may be MOM. It appears she may concerned about the money you need to spend on the ring and wedding. She may actually think the expensive ring is a waste of money and your future will be enhanced without the expensive bauble. After all, she doesn't know what is in your bank account.(don't tell her). Sonny-boy is listening to Mom. She sounds like a jewish mother.

Please, get the ring you want, no compromises. Good Luck!

Annette

 

[Natylad]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I can't thank everyone enough for their nice comments. All I know is that money is not an issue for sure, we have cash much more than 20k in our joint account alone. I'm going to talk to my bf first, but if he doesn't want to say anything, I'll reach out to other members of his family. We've never had a big issue like this. One thing I can remember is he told me not to wear my Rolex watch in front of them. I didn't understand why. They make more many and can afford to buy one if they want, I'm sure.

This is quite possibly the weirdest thing I've ever read on PS. Absolutely, under NO circumstances, should you 'reach out to other members of his family' about this. If he refuses to talk to you about this whackadoodle nonsense, refuse to get engaged at all. Seriously, is this for real?

Having a nicer ring, watch, car, house, whatever than somebody else has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH RESPECT! I mean, what?! That makes no sense!! This sounds like his family does not understand the meaning of the word 'respect.' Respect would be not rubbing it in their faces that you have a bigger ring or nicer watch, but simply owning and wearing it is not 'disrespectful.' I have nicer, larger diamond earrings than my own MOTHER but she's just happy for me because I love bling, and she isn't choosing to feel 'disrespected' that I have something of better quality. Getting engaged/planning a wedding brings out a LOT of weirdness in people. Impending marriage seems to bring out the skeletons. What in the world has happened in this family to make their sense of respect so skewed??

+1 Ruby...I agree with everything you said...And actually, my reaction since i read Lemonpoppy's post has been
This situation seems to me completely insane.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Do not talk to your BFs family anymore about this issue, it is not their business, and if you talk to them about it then you are compromising the autonomy of your relationship. If you WANT to have them intimately involved in your life on that level. Fine. Go for it. But if you want independence as a couple, then you need to always act in accordance with that goal.

This is not about a ring. This is a much bigger issue, specifically, boundaries between your life as a couple and your extended family.

Deciding -- mutually!! -- on the permeability of that boundary is an essential part of becoming committed. If he wants a life where his family has the ability to issue commands that he will follow, but you do not, well... better sort it now before the wedding. TRUST me when I say that these types of issues become bigger, not smaller, after marriage. Add kids to the mix and you have a really lovely recipe for arguments and unhappiness when a couple disagree on this type of thing.

Now is the time to hash it out, before you are engaged and before you are utterly committed. But don't hash out the ring yet. The ring is just a symbol of the underlying issue -- a difference in opinion between you and your fiance about how involved his family should be in your lives. That issue is the one you need to address, independent of the ring. Deal with this now.

 

[distracts]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Do not talk to your BFs family anymore about this issue, it is not their business, and if you talk to them about it then you are compromising the autonomy of your relationship. If you WANT to have them intimately involved in your life on that level. Fine. Go for it. But if you want independence as a couple, then you need to always act in accordance with that goal.

This is not about a ring. This is a much bigger issue, specifically, boundaries between your life as a couple and your extended family.

Deciding -- mutually!! -- on the permeability of that boundary is an essential part of becoming committed. If he wants a life where his family has the ability to issue commands that he will follow, but you do not, well... better sort it now before the wedding. TRUST me when I say that these types of issues become bigger, not smaller, after marriage. Add kids to the mix and you have a really lovely recipe for arguments and unhappiness when a couple disagree on this type of thing.

Now is the time to hash it out, before you are engaged and before you are utterly committed. But don't hash out the ring yet. The ring is just a symbol of the underlying issue -- a difference in opinion between you and your fiance about how involved his family should be in your lives. That issue is the one you need to address, independent of the ring. Deal with this now.

THISSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Dreamer_D, you put what I have been trying to say into much better words.

I was also wondering if there was some of the scapegoat/golden child dynamic in that family, with her bf as the scapegoat - http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/golden-child-scapegoat.html

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I can't thank everyone enough for their nice comments. All I know is that money is not an issue for sure, we have cash much more than 20k in our joint account alone. I'm going to talk to my bf first, but if he doesn't want to say anything, I'll reach out to other members of his family. We've never had a big issue like this. One thing I can remember is he told me not to wear my Rolex watch in front of them. I didn't understand why. They make more many and can afford to buy one if they want, I'm sure.

Don't quit your job EVER (even if kids come into the picture) because you're going to need your income if or when you get sick of this nonsense and want to walk!

 

[Lemonpoppy]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I'll follow everyone's advice and won't talk to his family about this. I'll talk to him tonight. I promise I'll keep you updated. FYI, bf's mother never had an engagement ring and she does not wear jewelry. She likes designer bags and spends a lot of money on them though. I think my spending habit is normal. The Rolex watch is something I bought for myself for one of my milestone birthdays.

 

[NonieMarie]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I can only hope this some ill thought out surprise engagement. If not, I'm sorry to say, this is not the man or family that I would want to spend the rest of my life with. You need to think long and hard if you are willing to compromise, and give away your imput in the decisions that will be made during the course of your marriage. You must go to couples counseling and lay out what each of you expect from your marriage. If you just go along, so as not to rufffle feathers, you will be miserable. We are just talking about a ring, once children are involved, you will find out where you stand in regard to his priorities.
Good Luck and don't bury your head in the sand.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I'll follow everyone's advice and won't talk to his family about this. I'll talk to him tonight. I promise I'll keep you updated. FYI, bf's mother never had an engagement ring and she does not wear jewelry. She likes designer bags and spends a lot of money on them though. I think my spending habit is normal. The Rolex watch is something I bought for myself for one of my milestone birthdays.

You fit in fine here, Lemonpoppy! I hope we are reading more into this than is really there, but if not, I hope your bf will be a man and stand up to his mother..or at least ignore her! I am sure the SIL's ring cost $20k or so. So what you choose for that amount can be anything you want!!! Let us know what happens...we're on your side!

 

[chicam]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

You heard everyone. Now don't cave on doing exactly what you need to do to get to the bottom of this craziness. And if its not a joke, then it's craziness like I've never seen nor heard of before. Be prepared to walk away from this mess of a family if this is not a joke.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I'll follow everyone's advice and won't talk to his family about this. I'll talk to him tonight. I promise I'll keep you updated. FYI, bf's mother never had an engagement ring and she does not wear jewelry. She likes designer bags and spends a lot of money on them though. I think my spending habit is normal. The Rolex watch is something I bought for myself for one of my milestone birthdays.

You fit in fine here, Lemonpoppy! I hope we are reading more into this than is really there, but if not, I hope your bf will be a man and stand up to his mother..or at least ignore her! I am sure the SIL's ring cost $20k or so. So what you choose for that amount can be anything you want!!! Let us know what happens...we're on your side!

The bolded is true! Though I would not ask because it will send the wrong message, but I wonder if the MIL knows this.

I too hope its a bad engagement plan. I suppose that is possible. He will be shocked when the OP comes in guns blazing about family issues, if that is the case

 

[milton333]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I don't mean to be insensitive, but you mention that your BF is Jewish. Are you? Is Jewish mom trying to discourage you and BF from getting engaged/married? As in, "buy her a cheap low-quality diamond and just get married at city hall"? That sounds like some sort of campaign to drive you away, no? It sounds like he's thinking about marrying a non-Jew and mom is not pleased. Just my initial impression.

ETA: And I'm just going to edit this to say that Jewish identity is matrilineal - mom must be a Jew for kids to be seen as Jews. So mom must be Jewish or must convert. Is it possible that sis-in-law is Jewish or converted, but you are not?

 

[Laila619]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

I honestly don't understand this post. Get what you and your boyfriend decide on, and who cares what anyone else thinks. If your boyfriend is letting other people dictate what kind of ring you should get, then he is not ready for marriage IMO.

 

[bernersnuggler]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

This is just the beginning of what is to be your future if you marry this man. I hope to God this is just some "super suprise weird engagement" ploy gone wrong. If not, he seriously needs to learn how to put on his "Big boy pants". When you get married, you put your spouse above your family. A marriage will never be happy or survive if this doesn't happen.

When I first got engaged to my ex, his Mother made several comments about my large engagement ring. It was a 1 carat pear for peats sake! Then it started with the wedding plans. My ex's mother is Italian and I am half Greek. They wanted the huge circus wedding. We're talking about 400-500 people here and of course, no offer from them to pay for anything. Neither my ex or I wanted this kind of wedding so we planned a smaller 100 person wedding that they were horrified with. I planned the whole menu around them beng Italian and then was devastated when they snubbed my menu and decided their family "wouldn't eat that sort of food". We're talking about antipasti platters, salads, lasagna, and filet mignon. WTF?!!!!

We eventually ended up eloping it got so bad. You will be battling that mother in law for a long time to come. It was a HUGE part of the ending of our marriage. It just escalated from there on. Holidays, the decision not to have children, any travelling we did (they didn't like us leaving the country at all) and expecting me to close my business and move 2 hours to where they live and start over. The craziness just got worse over time.

I'm not saying this will happen to you, there were other big reasons for the disolution of my marriage. Ex was a Police Detective and couldn't keep his dick in his pants. Classy

You need to resolve this before even thinking of geting engaged. This should be a happy time for you both. You sound disillusioned, confused and hurt, and I sure as hell don't blame you. If you don't deal with this now, you are setting yourself up to be walked all over. Your future MIL will know she will be able to get her way and it will keep escalating. You really don't want this for your future.

Who the hell cares about the stats on your diamond? Does your future MIL want you to whip out your certificate for everyone? As long as both your fiance to be and you are happy with the ring, that's all that matters.

 

[yennyfire]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

Take it from another one who's been there. I'm Jewish and first hubby was Episcopal, though Mommy was a born again Baptist. He never sided with me over her and it ended our marriage. If he can't choose you (as a couple) now, he will never learn to do so. Don't settle for less than you deserve (and I'm not talking about a ring here).....trust me, it's much easier to walk away from a relationship than it is a marriage.

Hope that he sees the light and that the process is much happier from here forward....

 

[Christina...]

Re: Sad and confused about my future engagement ring purchas

You've gotten a lot of great advice here, but I just want add a big DITTO to not discussing this with other family members, not just on bf's side, but on yours as well. I've personally made this mistake in a prior relationship and once you invite family members in, it's extremely difficult to kick them back out. It's easy for us to forgive our SO's for saying of doing something stupid, it's quite another to expect your mom, dad, brother, whom ever to be quite so forgiving. Needless to say it only adds unneccessary drama and hard feelings, and sitting around the Christmas dinner table becomes an uncomfortable instead of joyous event.

As all the others have already stated, this is an issue that needs to be discussed before the engagement can even move forward. You have every right to be concerned and upset, and every reason to expect that your future husband will put your needs and wants before anyone elses. I too feel that there must be more to this than just his reluctance to out do his brother and sister in law. I have three brothers and we have always had a friendly competiveness among us and it has never negatively affected our relationship. I can't think of a single time that I was ever anything but happy for their successes, in fact I would be ashamed if I could think of one. I can only guess that there is something broken in the relationship between the two brothers. I would be concerned that these behaviors could carry over into your marriage. As the others have already pointed out, there will be homes, cars, children, vacations, savings etc., will you always be expected to have less in order please bfs family? Where is the happiness in never celebrating your success? I truly hope that there is a reasonable explanation for his baffling behavior, if not though, I suppose it's a blessing to have the opportunity to address them now rather than much further along in the relationship.

Welcome to PS btw. I'm happy that you found us!