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Positive thoughts for my Dad, please?
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I ain't that old!.. 
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Skippy123
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Monnie -
I'm sorry to hear about your father's diagnosis. It's always tough.
My husband has been dealing with cancer (leukemia/lymphoma) for 16 years so I offer the following based on our experiences:
1. Support and respect your father's treatment choices. Your father will be facing a variety of choices regarding treatment now that there is a recurrence. The best thing you can do is support and respect his decisions about treatment, even if it's not what you would choose for him or yourself. Everyone should have the right to decide what path they travel, including the ability to say no or stop. You'd want this right for yourself so let your father have it as well. This can be the hardest of all for the family members to do.
2. Respect your parents' coping mechanisms. Some people like to talk about what's going on with them, including bad news, their feelings and fears. Others prefer to stay quiet or in denial. Respect whatever your parents' coping mechanisms are, even if it's harder for you. Also, it's okay for people to feel sad or unhappy about what's happened. It's a natural response and people shouldn't feel pressured to stay positive all the time. It's not going to endanger their treatment or recovery to think cancer sucks, and not want to stop and smell the roses. Some people remain positive and that's their coping mechanism, but for others it's not and that's okay too. And assuming your parents are still married, don't assume they have the same coping mechanisms. Honor both of theirs, even if they are different. It gets tricky, but you'll figure it out. Obviously, a coping mechanism such as excessive drinking or gambling or something bad should be viewed differently.
3. Help the caregiver. Your mother or whoever your dad's primary caregiver is will be going through something traumatic too so don't forget about making sure they're okay too. Sometimes it's just easier to do things for them than to ask what they need. Sometimes, it's the reverse. Keep your eyes and ears open on how you can help.
4. Don't snowball. Don't imagine all the bad things that could happen and then let it snowball into the worst case scenario. All you'll do is give yourself a big ball of worry. Focus on what's happening now and not on what could be down the road. If you let your thoughts snowball, you'll end up worrying about things that might not even happen and you will not have changed anything for the better.
Those are some of the big things we've learned. Feel free to ask anything else you want. I wish you and your family all the best.
I'm sorry to hear about your father's diagnosis. It's always tough.
My husband has been dealing with cancer (leukemia/lymphoma) for 16 years so I offer the following based on our experiences:
1. Support and respect your father's treatment choices. Your father will be facing a variety of choices regarding treatment now that there is a recurrence. The best thing you can do is support and respect his decisions about treatment, even if it's not what you would choose for him or yourself. Everyone should have the right to decide what path they travel, including the ability to say no or stop. You'd want this right for yourself so let your father have it as well. This can be the hardest of all for the family members to do.
2. Respect your parents' coping mechanisms. Some people like to talk about what's going on with them, including bad news, their feelings and fears. Others prefer to stay quiet or in denial. Respect whatever your parents' coping mechanisms are, even if it's harder for you. Also, it's okay for people to feel sad or unhappy about what's happened. It's a natural response and people shouldn't feel pressured to stay positive all the time. It's not going to endanger their treatment or recovery to think cancer sucks, and not want to stop and smell the roses. Some people remain positive and that's their coping mechanism, but for others it's not and that's okay too. And assuming your parents are still married, don't assume they have the same coping mechanisms. Honor both of theirs, even if they are different. It gets tricky, but you'll figure it out. Obviously, a coping mechanism such as excessive drinking or gambling or something bad should be viewed differently.
3. Help the caregiver. Your mother or whoever your dad's primary caregiver is will be going through something traumatic too so don't forget about making sure they're okay too. Sometimes it's just easier to do things for them than to ask what they need. Sometimes, it's the reverse. Keep your eyes and ears open on how you can help.
4. Don't snowball. Don't imagine all the bad things that could happen and then let it snowball into the worst case scenario. All you'll do is give yourself a big ball of worry. Focus on what's happening now and not on what could be down the road. If you let your thoughts snowball, you'll end up worrying about things that might not even happen and you will not have changed anything for the better.
Those are some of the big things we've learned. Feel free to ask anything else you want. I wish you and your family all the best.
Enerchi
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Thank you all SO MUCH. Reading your responses has truly given me strength and hope.
Quick update: he was released on Saturday (my mom isn't happy about it) and is at home with oxygen tanks. He will apparently only use the oxygen when he feels like he needs it, instead of the prescribed around the clock version. He tried to go back to "work" this morning, and lasted an hour. His bc was sent to Mayo this week and results won't be in until Friday. Yet my patents are already trying to determine where he will be treated and etc.
Rainwood, your post means the world. I know. I get it. I get all of what you posted. And believe me, I have removed myself from all of it for years. Tricky part is now that I'm closer to them geographically, making sure that I just support and don't hinder.
This is a very tough part of the life cycle. I can do this.
Thanks again for all the support. Please know that I am reading and hearing everything you all have to say.
Quick update: he was released on Saturday (my mom isn't happy about it) and is at home with oxygen tanks. He will apparently only use the oxygen when he feels like he needs it, instead of the prescribed around the clock version. He tried to go back to "work" this morning, and lasted an hour. His bc was sent to Mayo this week and results won't be in until Friday. Yet my patents are already trying to determine where he will be treated and etc.
Rainwood, your post means the world. I know. I get it. I get all of what you posted. And believe me, I have removed myself from all of it for years. Tricky part is now that I'm closer to them geographically, making sure that I just support and don't hinder.
This is a very tough part of the life cycle. I can do this.
Thanks again for all the support. Please know that I am reading and hearing everything you all have to say.
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Wow, Monarch, all I can say is that in reading your posts I have to conclude that you are a fabulous daughter, and can only be seen as helpful by your parents. You are so mature and show so much grace in handling some immensely tough stuff about your Dad. It sounds like he is in excellent hands. I am sending you, your Mom and Dad love, hugs, dust, prayers - take what whatever works best for you, all or some! I hate that he has some cancer in his lung, but take solace in the fact that it was visible two years ago, which must mean its not super aggressive, correct? That is a good thing!
Big, big hugs to you,
-Minou
Big, big hugs to you,
-Minou
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Update:
My dad will have surgery this week. The top lobe of his lung will be removed, along with the cancerous mass. They hope to do this laproscopically, (sp?) but may have to open him up from the side instead, won't know until they get in there and see what exactly is going on. My daughter and I met him and my mother for lunch after his cardiac stress test last week and he seemed to be in good spirits. His surgery will happen in my town, and the hospital is just a short drive from my house, so I can hopefully be there to see him before and after. He'll have to go to the cardiac/critical ward right after surgery due to a previous cardiac issue (his heart stopped for 30 minutes after one of his last surgeries several years ago) so they only let one visitor in at a time for 5 minutes. This is set to happen on Tuesday.
Thanks again to everyone for your kind words and support.
My dad will have surgery this week. The top lobe of his lung will be removed, along with the cancerous mass. They hope to do this laproscopically, (sp?) but may have to open him up from the side instead, won't know until they get in there and see what exactly is going on. My daughter and I met him and my mother for lunch after his cardiac stress test last week and he seemed to be in good spirits. His surgery will happen in my town, and the hospital is just a short drive from my house, so I can hopefully be there to see him before and after. He'll have to go to the cardiac/critical ward right after surgery due to a previous cardiac issue (his heart stopped for 30 minutes after one of his last surgeries several years ago) so they only let one visitor in at a time for 5 minutes. This is set to happen on Tuesday.
Thanks again to everyone for your kind words and support.
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Thank you so much, everyone!
His surgery isn't scheduled until 1 p.m. tomorrow, and we don't know if it will take a couple hours or several hours, depending on what they find when they get in there, so to speak. I will try to update the thread as I'm able.
Today I discovered what's known as a "hardy hibiscus" blooming in our backyard. I don't recall seeing it last summer, or the summer before when we moved into this house, and it wasn't in bloom yesterday. Sounds random, but it's a nice coincidence to me because when I was a baby we lived in Fort Lauderdale and there were lots of hibiscus (the tropical versions!) on the property. One of my very favorite pictures of my dad and me is him holding me next to a hibiscus and I'm grasping a bright red bloom in my hand. The one in our backyard is white. It was a happy surprise this afternoon. I'm not really into signs or whatever, but I thought it was nice and thought I would share:
His surgery isn't scheduled until 1 p.m. tomorrow, and we don't know if it will take a couple hours or several hours, depending on what they find when they get in there, so to speak. I will try to update the thread as I'm able.
Today I discovered what's known as a "hardy hibiscus" blooming in our backyard. I don't recall seeing it last summer, or the summer before when we moved into this house, and it wasn't in bloom yesterday. Sounds random, but it's a nice coincidence to me because when I was a baby we lived in Fort Lauderdale and there were lots of hibiscus (the tropical versions!) on the property. One of my very favorite pictures of my dad and me is him holding me next to a hibiscus and I'm grasping a bright red bloom in my hand. The one in our backyard is white. It was a happy surprise this afternoon. I'm not really into signs or whatever, but I thought it was nice and thought I would share:
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